Fare the Well Charlie Boy!

Every time I think of Charlie, Robbie William's song comes to mind...

 So unimpressed but so in awe
Such a saint but such a whore
So self aware, so full of shit
So indecisive, so adamant
I'm contemplating, thinking about thinking
It's so frustrating, just get another drink in

Watch me come undone

After many furtive attempts to rid myself of this one introduction from years ago, I have finally succeeded today. HOORAY!

Perhaps, I had hoped it didn't have to come down to a whole load of recriminations. Alas, Charlie is never without any drama. Oxford-Harvard-education and Goldman-experience and all that jazz.

So rock and roll, so corporate suit
So damn ugly, so damn cute
So well trained, so animal
So need your love, so fuck you all
I'm not scared of dying I just don't want to
If I stopped lying I'd just disappoint you
I come undone

So an era of Charlie has come to an end (and it's pretty definite this I'm very sure off) and so it must be commemorated. For Charlie did indeed provide quite a number of laughs, shits and giggles - especially between Balls, WhiteBoy and I. Their man of envy - Ballz used to say "You've gotta hook me up with Charlie Barbs - he never runs out of lines!" and of course, with weed under the coffee table and coke on the dining table, he was also the man Whites wanted to meet.

But that's all washed and done with. Charlie's gotta carry his own cross and I want nothing of it. Nothing what-so-ever, not even front row tickets to watch.

Fare the well sweet boy. There's hope in you yet! Go do your growing up and we hope you don't fizz out your remaining braincells in the process! 

In Good Spirits

It's been a harrowing and crazy morning, with a false start that mum was on the list for today's surgeries. And now that it's all sorted out that she'll go under the blade either tomorrow or Thursday, I'm just glad she's in good spirits!

Let's pray it holds up.. else this gal's gonna be the one needing the spirits!

~ Ma in bed! A sight you hardly ever see! ~

What a Day!

They say, there would be certain moments in your life, where you WOULD KNOW that the things to come would change your world. Forever.

If that be true, today would be one of those days.

My last lodgement wrote of how the gun was jumped and how awkward it was with my superior. I suppose that was a premonition of things to come, tho not on the front with her. Cos after 9 months, I had my 1st official review with my Irish bosses, and the outcome of it was the mandate to have my plans for the business, which is to include geographical expansion, as well as the partnership contract drawn up by summer so we could have them signed off by January 2010. To think that I had only interviewed for this job a year ago ~ Things sure are moving at a faster pace than I had grown accustomed to.

I am excited and eager to move forward. And I am mightily pleased to say that my folks were with me all the way, before and after the review with some 340 kilometers in-between. And I am also mightily pleased to say that while I have to throw in a few more kilometers for a certain somebody, he was also a part of that joyous tho brief few minutes after I came out of the room. 

My long day is just ending, what with the observation of St Patrick's Day (which is also Ireland's National Day) at the embassy reception. And as we wound down the night with a glass of wine in the lobby lounge of the Shangri-la, I couldn't help but appreciate the truth in the statement: Success is made even sweeter when you have people to share it with.

So while I may have turned the keys to the door of an empty house, it didn't at all feel bad cos I know these persons are with me, despite whatever song they have to sing.

Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig oraibh!

Walking One Hundred Thousand Miles

“It’s shameful, to be 35 and not be able to take care of yourself.”

It’s tough to look yourself in the mirror when you know you’re physically falling apart due to self-neglect. Especially when you’ve always been the sort to not depend on other people to look out for you. And then there’s the whole internal struggle between letting someone else step in to do the needful, and the toughing it out bit.

I know all this because I am one of those persons. It took me forever to learn how to alert those closest to me when I’m down, unable to crawl out of bed. Gone are the days when I hauled myself to the nearest hospital, lie there bed-ridden for days, acting all chirpy and cheery when I spoke to my folks as if I was taking a stroll in the park.

“There is nothing wrong with having to let someone else take care of you. It doesn’t mean you’re any less independent, and it doesn’t mean that you’re pitiful either.”

So while I may be worn out thin yesterday, I can at least find comfort in the fact that someone had a proper meal this week because I went the extra mile. I may have to spend the next hour cleaning my kitchen from the grease that’s stuck to every available surface, but heck – it’s all worth it, so long as my tall Utopian refugee stops shrinking any further and losses that glassy-eyed look.

Yes, I’d walk one hundred thousand miles for this Utopian cos there’s nothing more beautiful a sight than that of seeing someone’s face progressively brighten up as the hours go by. 

Ready, Set... Go!

Luke has been muttering that today is the last day of December and how tomorrow would be January. The concept of tomorrow being the 1st day of 2009 and today being the last of 2008 has yet to kick in with him. Lydia on the other hand, is worried with the change of year tomorrow; people she loves are going to start dying. Me – tomorrow appears to be coming around as just another day. I just need to remember to sign off dates with ‘09’ instead of ‘08’.

But it is more than just another day isn’t it? For most people, it would be the starting block to push off in new directions, goals, promises and dreams. But as I wrote on Christmas Day, it should be Christmas every day, and the same applies for the New Year.

“Every choice has an end result” says Zig Ziglar on my never-ending calendar for the day. And 2008 I would have to say, would be the year where I made the most conscious choices since 1975. Oh okay – maybe not 1975, but probably since 1990. Yes – I am one of those, who ‘go with the flow’ even though I am a control freak. But the last 365 days saw me thinking things thru very thoroughly and then making my choices based on the best set of circumstances and consequences.

As with all decisions, there have been the good, the bad and of course, the dark and twisted too. But to take stock, on an overall count, I would have to declare 2008 a pretty good year to me.

There are plenty to be grateful for and I cannot let the date change without making a list of them. So here goes:

1. My family – mum, dad, Lydia and Luke who has been my constant driver to do better than I have ever done.
2. My best buddy – The Bear who has also been officially adopted by Mum and Dad as their “eldest” son, and who is still my best buddy despite it all.
3. My best girlfriend – Mandy whose life has changed in so many ways we did not expect a year ago, but nonetheless have remained my best girlfriend in between pumps and nappy changes!
4. My bosses – Past and present. These are two individuals who have helped me see that I deserve more than a casual “Um” and broke me out of that box.
5. My ex-staff – They have become my adopted family and even tho time have moved on, they still remain the 2nd home that welcomes me back with open arms and yummy food, no matter what the weather is outside.
6. My unexpected surprise of the year – Who shall remain nameless and faceless, but without him I would not be a sack of potatoes lighter and looking forward to the dawn of each new day. 
7. God – for constantly catching me every time I fall and always opening doors, windows and crevices, AND pointing the follow-spot towards that direction.

The Jews call it Lezikaron: The importance of looking forward as well as remembering the past. And while the list can go on and on and on, as with the Oscars, we shall place a limit on it.

For at the end of the day, of this year we call 2008, as with every other day of our lives, let us always live it knowing that each second, each minute, each hour and each person we encounter – it is always a blessing to be still alive, breathing and living.

Happy New Year’s to one and all. 

May we move forward towards more of the joyful 

and strength to handle the sorrowful!

Up, Up and Away...

I.Am.Pooped.

Tired beyond belief. But I am damn proud of me, myself and I. Oh yes – and my wee two hands.

This is the last blog that I am going to be posting from this pigeon hole that I have called ‘home’ for the last 2 years, 6 months and 28 days.

Every box is sealed and ready to go. I am quite pleased actually that I have kept my junk down to a minimum of 5 boxes. A far cry from the time when the numbers spanned into double-digits. The fridge is shut down and the telly will be unplugged in the morning. Every item that needs to go has been moved into the dining room.

There is a pang that is slightly bittersweet. I can still remember the day I moved in here, with my pillows in tow and a few pieces of RM 20.00 foam mattresses. Mandy was helping me carry my stuff and it must have been quite the sight that she told me to go stay with her instead.

Many things have taken placed in this house. Many conversations with myself, and with others.

In the midst of all the harrying here and there and smelling like something the cat dragged in, I told Ben I was quitting this shift. That I was gonna ring my landlord up and say – Oops, I’ve changed my mind! But as he rightfully said: The next place I move to is gonna really be HOME, and that would be where life would start a new chapter. And that it was about time I lived properly, and not falling down.

So yes, in that light (and the light of all my other friends) – we say farewell to unit A213A of Palm Springs. It’s been real super occupying this space in the sky with you. I hope you give as much pleasure to the next occupants as you did me. And I hope they give you as much laughter and cheer as I gave you!

Onward bound now ~ till I update next from the Pearl Tower!

 

 

Is It Ending Already?

Life is full of sweet surprises, everyday's a gift

The sun comes up and I can feel it lift my sprit

It fills me up with laughter, it fills me up with song

I look into the eyes of love and know that I belong

I’m not one of those who send forwarded festive messages. No two years would you find a text greeting from me sounding the same. And there would always be that small handful of people who would get one that hopefully encapsulates all that they mean to me. And this year’s message goes like this:

It’s said that Christmas is a time of HOPE and JOY.
Here’s an early wish to someone who makes it
Christmas every day for me!

I couldn’t have said it any better cos the persons, who received them, did indeed make this day without my blood family, a much easier one to go through. Each of them surprising, carrying and pushing me in ways that no one else can do better.

Bless us all, who gather here ~ the loving family I hold dear

No place on Earth, compares with home

And every path will bring me back from where I roam

Bless us all, that as we live

We always comfort and forgive

We have so much that we can share

With those in need we see around us everywhere

Let us always love each other

Lead us toward the light

Let us hear the voice of reason

Singing in the night

Let us run from anger

And catch when we fall

Teach us in our dreams and please, yes, please

Bless us one and all

Somewhere in my hazy memory, I recall this line of thought: You don’t really want the day to end, because that would mean one more day of your life is over. It’s a strange concept to us who would sometimes do anything, just to get the day over and done with.

Bless us all with playful years

With noisy games and joyous tears

We reach for you, and we stand tall

And in our prayers and dreams 

Christmas Day is coming to an end. The official day that is. Cos if truth be told – it should be Christmas everyday!

We ask you ~ Bless us all

Choices

choice ~ noun

1. An act or instance of choosing; selection
2. The right, power, or opportunity to choose; option
3. The person or thing chosen or eligible to be chosen
4. An alternative
5. An abundance or variety from which to choose
6. Something that is preferred or preferable to others; the best part of something

Every day, every hour, every minute, every second - we all have a choice to make.

In my books, the most famous perspective on choices comes from Lewis Carroll's character of the Cheshire Cat:

Alice came to a fork in the road. 

 "Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." 

It's a week to Christmas - my first Christmas where I will have no plans other than attend morning Mass. Where I will not have my family nor friends at my table, sitting down to a home-cooked roast luncheon. Where I will not be wondering what's in that box under the tree that has my name on it.

I could choose to say "Bah-Humbug!" to it all and lose the spirit of things.

Or I could choose to say "It's only this year cos of the timing of things. And it is in to help me prepare for bigger, better things to come!"

As it was once wrote here on the Shooter, and also one of the features sayings in a certain Christmas pressie:

Contentment is not
the fulfillment of what you want;
‘Tis the realization of
how much you already have.

I'm gonna go with the choice of remembering that Christmas is about HOPE. And so it's alright that it's just my snowmen and me on Christmas Day this year.

There would be bigger and better things in my days to come!

Have a happy one y'all!

Ordinary and Extraordinary

o∙ver∙whelm ~ verb (used with object)

To overcome completely in mind or feeling.

I have had about a whole day to digest:

• The present explained and the past shared,
• Thoughts exchanged and dreams woven,
• Questions asked and answers given,
• Hands held and hugs lavished,
• Fears allayed and peace obtained

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away

To cover or bury beneath a mass of something, as floodwaters, debris, or an avalanche; submerge.

Everything came together… Sentences finished by the other, without any leading on… The allowance of being one true’s self, without any mask… Emotions felt without it being portrayed.

I am wondering if there were some kind of unseen force, moving about the house last night – the energy levels just swept you away on every account, and it pulled you the harder you tried to fight it, unless exhausted and resigned, you give in to it carrying you along.

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now

To load, heap, treat, or address with an overpowering or excessive amount of anything

I am sitting here, and I am sobbing. I am drowning in a sea of joy, an ocean of comfort, a heaven full of confidence, a valley of peace, and also a forest of acute loss. Each and every emotion so sharp it lifts me, so deep I feel the physical pain.

To overpower or overcome, esp. with superior forces; destroy; crush

I started out being the pom-pom girl, the cheer-leader ~ I ended up being the one rallied to carry on. He broke me ~ Broke me completely with simple words. All the words that we have all sought to quell my dust-bunnies, my demons: he had them all.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you

When you consciously relinquish your trust to somebody else, is when you realize that there are bigger things in this world than you. I have always heard it said that if you allow it, life will surprise you. But I never expected it to be this way or in this form. I was always the giver of words, but I’ve been a stranger to receiving them. Which is why this has to be recorded down here.

You and me
We can ride on a star, we can light up the sky
If you stay with me girl, if you stay by my side
We can rule the world

I have always known deep down inside, despite all the self-doubt and fears, that I was not ordinary. I didn’t think I’d live to see and hear the day when it’s said that not only am I extraordinary, but I make someone else extraordinary as well.

I have only one wish tonight – and that was that I could paint. Cos no amount of words can paint the clarity of this picture for you. A picture of someone once broken, slowly being pieced back together again.

"I won't let you fall ~ trust me on this."

Rule the world
~ Take That ~

Photo Shot

Today, while I was in my car, enroute to church, I had stopped in front of a yellow box, behind a long line of cars. All about me were grumpy looking people, trying to inch their way out the traffic mess that has ensued after the brief rain (Yes - when it rains, we forget how to drive right!). But to my left, was an African young couple (college-looking), trying to have their lovey-dovey picture taken ~ together ~in front of the water feature of the condo complex. I watched the image thru the display screen which was facing me, and I knew it was gonna be horribly awful ~ the girl was much shorter and the guy was the one holding the camera.

I watched as the lights turn green and readied to move. And when traffic lost their senses again, I decided - screw it and put my passenger window down and called out to them. I told the guy - I could help you do it again, if you want by prompting you where to move. And so, in the midst of all the grumpiness - we did it and the picture was one that put a smile on his girl's face - at least there's all of her in it now.

I didn't do very much except shout "A bit lower!" and "To the left, to the left - NO! MY left!" But, many years from now, they might come across this picture and remember how hard they tried to get it right. And perhaps, they might remember the weird girl in a wee WiNK mobile who had put down her window and shouted directions.

That's what living is all about isn't it? Finding opportunities to create simple pleasures that might eventually bring much joy.

And so, while I may have missed out on a few hundred buckeroos by not buying my lotto numbers - It has been a great day, nonetheless!

Bear of Reason

My best buddy leaves for his travel in a few hours. The last time he went away, all hell broke lose and I was floundering without an anchor.

Tis a strange relationship we have. The unlikeliest pair of best buds. I smoke too much, he doesn't smoke at all. I drink too much, he won't offer me a glass of his vintage on display. But yet, we are able to find middle ground and when push comes to shove, assume the voice of reason when all others fail.

I was spiralling out of control today. Look at the postings in the last 24 hours - need we say more. All cos I went and stuck my foot in my mouth in one silent moment too close to midnight. And needless to say, Barbsie being Barbsie - who in the words of the Bear: Barbsie is a control freak - could not sit still and wait.

Fortunately for me, my voice of reason kicked in, and I would have to say, if his office was any nearer, some actual kicking would have taken place with his sized 12 shoes. And as I close off this tiring Tuesday, I am thankful for it.

I'll try to keep on behaving Bear while you're away. Wouldn't want ya to try swimming from the Harbour right to Port Klang now.

Love ya bunches!

Unloading Barbsie

Last Sunday, the priest at confession asked me to say something good about myself. He said I was telling him all the things I failed at. He wanted me to say something I succeeded at. Needless to say, I couldn’t.

Cos I was so hung-up over the fact that I cannot give my folks, my kids, my family the sort of life that they deserve.

Cos I was so hung-up over the fact that I have taken so many wrong turns in my 33 years of living, that it has almost ruined my life ahead.

Cos I was so hung-up over the fact that if I am not in the position of giving, I am merely a charity-basket-case.

At the end of the day, it’s always a lot easier to blame someone or something else. Cos it makes me less hung-up about my hang-ups.

It’s HIS fault that I’m here.
I have done all I can to show, the ball is now on HIS side of the court.
It just GOD’s way of playing with me.
I’m still stuck here cos THE boss can’t see just how good I am.

I was at the mamak last night with two brothers. Both of whom are in their 40s and in very different stations of life. We talked about life, about being tired and the lack of weed supply in the world. Food crisis indeed! It was meant to be a bitch-slapping session and bitch-slapped me they did when the brother from Penang asked me this: Why are you in this situation and this game of "I won’t say it, if you don't" with him?

As with tennis, when someone gives you a backhand, you volley it right back and mine was turning around and told him it was HIS entire fault. That if he hadn't told me 6 months ago that "sometimes, you've gotta ride the train", I would have gotten off the "train" then and would be fine today.

I am here, sitting in the train, watching the scenery change, the colours of the trees change, and I’m going “Wow – that’s gorgeous! I wanna be there!” but when the train pulls into the station, I sit and wait while the door opens, standing up only when the bell offs goes, signaling the doors are closing. Just so I get to the door as it closes. Just so I can say “Darn it, I was a second too late.”

And that leaves me wondering IF I am so safe in my “blame it on XYZ” blanket that I wanna just make like Linus and stay there? Cos in truth, there is nothing new that no one has told me in recent years or months, that I didn’t already know or realize: Yes, I am scared. Yes, I live in the world of “What-ifs”. Yes, I don’t think that good things CAN happen to me.

I am re-reading Tuesdays with Morrie yet again. It is the second time I am picking it up. And it was a conscious decision when I drew the book off the shelf. I wanted to be reminded that life is short, and that a meaningful life is not about a bigger car, a bigger house or more money in the bank. It’s about giving, and not just to everyone else but also to myself.

This morning, I’m all smiles cos I made the day of a former colleague by asking if he could make the birthday cake for my dad’s 60th this weekend. His comment of “Jared Cjl so excited now! Gateau le Blanc going to born this Sunday! Thanks Barb for giving me such an opportunity!” is giving me so much pleasure, I could cry. But more importantly, I realize that in giving Jared this opportunity, I am taking pleasure for myself of having done something out of the ordinary for someone else.

As it was said by my SS brother:

Sometimes you have to take some happiness for yourself.
It’s alright to say ~
“It’s now my turn to give something to myself”.

I think I shall start recognizing that sometimes, in giving, I am also receiving. And I should not deny anyone and ESPECIALLY myself that opportunity.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that I am a charity basket case. And I can find better things to do with the shoulder space than carry a chip around on it.

I am not naturally dark, twisted and loaded. It's time I stop trying so hard to be.

Back in 1927

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Simply because I do not this day to end. This way when the world did belly-flops and what-have-you-nots.

If I could paint ~ I'd paint a portrait of you
The sunlight in your eyes a masterpiece of truth
And a single tear like a silent prayer
That's shining so much brighter than a diamond ever dared
If I could do anything at all,I'd do it for you

I was the one he wanted to call. I was the one he had words to tell to cos he was afraid he might not have the chance to do it. And I was the one he asked.

If I could write ~ I'd write a book for you
A tale of hidden treasures with an I.O.U
And a million words couldn't say a thing
That won't be said in three words
Where love's the central theme
If I could do anything at all, I'd do it for you

And all this while I was driving home. With my kids in the back seat. And all the time he was talking, I didn't know if I wanted to jump up in the air and just do a whoop-dee-do or sit on the sidewalk and cry while smiling.

If I could play, I'd play up a storm for you
A raging sea of passion that you never knew
Every whispered sound would touch your heart
And maybe for a moment I could be your favourite star
If I could do anything at all, I'd do it for you

So yes, I don't think I would be able to sleep tonight. And I'm sure you'd understand why. Cos never did I think this would actually come true.

Sometimes I feel so second-rate
Seems loving you was my greatest mistake
I know I'm insecure
And love don't keep score
But I wish I could give you more

I wasn't in the frame of mind to answer another curve ball question. But here it is, in the borrowed words of another (cos we all know at times like these, my words fail me!)...

Darling can't you see
What you mean to me
Anything that I can do ~ I'll do it for you
And darling don't you know
Just how far I'd go
Anything that I can do, I'd do it for you

Just for today - I feel like I'm standing on top of the world! And the view from up here is FANTASTIC!

1927
If I could

Fur and Ash

How time flies (even when one feels that it is not moving!) for it's already Thursday. And for a week that started out alright, crashed to the ground mid-way, it has gone on an upward swirl as prettily as the twirling ribbons on a rhythmic gymnast.

My brain is not working all that well this morning... my words are once again failing me.. and so I have to resort to borrowing the words of another by the name of Dean Blehert... hopefully you'll recognise the small blessings (follow this link to read full poem) in your life as I have come to see mine.

Blessed are the stones I tread,

for they hold the universe together with their faith in gravity,

while I indulge in levity.

Blessed is the weather,

for it enables polite discourse among strangers—

which can lead anywhere.

Blessed are the falling leaves,

for they steep in the wind and flavor it.

Blessed are the tortured,

who endure much so that

even torturers can be good at something.

Blessed are the walls—

they turn space into places.

Blessed are the windows,

for they allow excess buildup of PLACE

to leak off into space.

Blessed are doors,

where walls can change their minds.

Blessed are ceilings,

for when we lie on our backs with our eyes open,

they become the walls within which

we feel safe enough to dream ourselves anywhere.

Blessed are the children,

for though they are much smaller and frailer than I,

they trust me to roam freely.

Blessed are fathers,

who must love deeply to believe this hocus pocus

about how babies are made.

Blessed are mothers,

for our visits to earth greatly inconvenience them,

yet they greet us with a smile.

Blessed are the signs on the road,

for they tell me that someone knows

I am here.

Blessed are the music makers,

for they create holes in time

to be filled up with the words of poets.

Blessed are the lovers,

for they so thoroughly saturate each other with admiration

that the rest of us are free to look elsewhere.

Blessed are the hands,

for where I am too far away

for the hands that would reach out and touch me,

they touch each other loudly.

Blessed is the beggar,

who wakes us from our unseeing

by giving the street corner a shadowed intricacy

that MUST be looked at or looked away from.

Blessed is the Lord God Almighty,

for we must have been taught to say this for SOME reason.

Blessed is my head,

for when I am inside it my thoughts resonate,

just as do my songs in the shower.

Blessed are the readers,

for they make this voice in my head a voice in many heads,

freeing me to find new voices.

Sometimes we wonder if anyone is listening when we speak. Sometimes we wonder IF there IS anyone at all that we can speak to. But someone has gone out on all limbs to prove to me that not only am I heard, I. Am. Heard.

And so my own lil contribution to the poem above would go something like this:

Blessed are the fuzzy bears,

whose fine fur lands amongst the ciggie ash on my coffee table,

as I pluck at his ear while I let my head wonders.

For even tho he has cotton in his belly

he's made me feel a lil taller, a whole lot better

And definitely very much loved!

You know who you are... and truly - all the languages in the world, would not cover what it is I want to say!

Commit to Memory

There are 4 things I must commit to memory for good. They are:

1. Patience is a virtue. I mismanaged my expectations badly today and that caused me to fall. And no where feels further a drop that when you think you were right at the top. And while it seems like I'm not being heard, I am. Indeed.
2. Trust is the basis of all. I let my trust wonder, forgetting the lil things I've learnt, that what we see on the telly might not necessarily be the bubblies boiling under the surface.
3. Blessings do come in big packages and size 12 shoes. Need I say more?
4. Last but not least, I got thru today and will get thru the month, God willing

Being alive is a miracle in itself. So long as I have tomorrow, I'll be fine.

Guardian Angels

What a crazy week it has been. So many things have been happening, within my world. So much so, taking time to hide is a risky thing cos the world moves not one notch but a whole nine yards. It’s hard to believe it’s only the middle of the month, and with 2 more months to go before the New Year, I cannot determine which way the winds would blow.

Add to all that, the weather hasn't been my favourite kind. I know ~ I should be jumping for joy for the big fat droplets that have been falling from the clouds – allows for deep, melancholic rain walks. But here’s the funny thing – it didn’t even cross my mind to attempt it, until I heard it as a line on the telly. We’re an equatorial climate country – we only have heat and rain. Yet I have been having the winter blues!

I have been seeking refuge in the Bear (that’s why we call him the Bear *wink*) and in prayer (right down on me knees!) and sitting in church like the people you see in the South on the telly. I couldn’t go back home to mum’s cos a whole new war zone has broken out there. And whilst being with my kids would have lighten my day, I really couldn’t tell them another lie when they ask “Mummy why are you looking so sad?”

I can do so many things, take so many things in my stride but the two things I cannot fight off is deafening silence and the lack of ability to turn things around. To change darkness to light, tears to laughter, worries to solution. I’m a thinker and an implementer. I have to see things to the end. And everything is always needed to be done “yesterday.” Which accounts for why this week has been Mournful Monday, Testy Tuesday, Lost Wednesday and Turdy Thursday.

My folks cannot understand what it is that has driven their out-standing Catholic of a child to storming Heaven so fervently. Never in my hour of needs, even when I was right down on my luck and starving with two young kids in tow, have I consciously asked for graces such as I have been this week past.

When I see your smile, tears run down my face
I can’t replace
And now that I’m strong, I’ve figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I’ll find deep down inside me
I can be the one

While there are many more miracles that I seek to right this thing I call my Life and my World… While the rains will continue to pelt down on our window panes, clogging up traffic and drains… While the roads ahead lies dark, twisty and ridden with potholes… The clouds have given me one burst of light and warmth.

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow long
I can show you I’ll be the one
I’m here for you

I have fought my monsters in the closet and I have come away with some scratches but nothing that would leave permanent scars. And with that experience, comes a realization.

Any assurances I give…. Any promises I make …. Any emotions that I express… They would be nothing but the most honest truth ~ Truth that comes from within, and without any fears or anxiety. Nothing something done or said, to cast me in a better light, to make me out to be someone I think I should be, and most importantly, not out of desperation.

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you send me to Heaven

See I told you so… I’ll get round to it… soon-ish and eventually *grin*

Your Guardian Angel
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

One of Us

If God were one of us, He would probably have smacked me by now. I've gone from one request to another. But I think I finally hit the right one. For my world is calm once more, in the turbulence.

Ask me again ... I have your answer ready. And this time, it'll definitely be the correct one to give.

It's the hardest, yet easiest place to arrive at. But I'm glad I'm here finally. And if I stumble on this way, I'm not alone.

Aye Cap'ain

I left the office yesterday evening, in the great search for candles. Not the fancy ones that you would find scattered around my house but plain white ones. Finally found them in this wee lil mum-and-pop shop out in Section 5 and headed on to my next destination.

Last night was spent in front of the telly. Not being used to watching the telly on Monday nights, I instead spent it trying to beat my already high score on Channel 882. I also tried to convince the Bear that he should invest in a caravan, paint it purple and go on a great driving adventure to no-where with me. We'll be the 1st in town to have a purple caravan, and it'll create a sense of community spirit as we'll have the Barney song blaring out of speakers attached to the roof.

Paul said this morning : Conquer your fears the Nike way ~ feel it and take action anyway. Very similar lines to the context of the book: Tuesdays with Morrie, where he says - recognise the emotion, embrace and then move on.

But these are not ordinary days of our lives. These are unchartered territories. We're no longer talking about dust-bunnies and carpets. This is REALITY. And as my favourite character (perhaps, once upon a time) says in her latest attempt at being bright, shiny and whole:

Reality is much stormier.

Much murkier.

Much scarier.

My action: Sit very, very still and draw pictures of my purple caravan. Ask anyone who's been out to sea ~ the best thing to do in a storm is to do NOTHING but let the waves carry you. Which is why I have not consumed a drop of alcohol nor popped any z-type pills. And I must say, I am feeling darn proud of myself for that. No lolling on the balcony either.

It may not seem much, but sometimes for a person of action, the "inaction" itself is a big step.

Then when it's all died down, I'll slowly make my way back to course and hopefully, land once again.

Slaves & Free Men

I'm a FREE person. I'm not a SLAVE. I should behave like a free person, and not one with chains. ... I'm alright and come what may, I will be alright. Seriously.

Dey Who?

Not too long ago, I was told not to get anymore goodies. I defied that instruction yesterday as I headed over to Hock Choon and bought bucket loads of cereal bars and Pop Tarts. I reckoned all the way thru the hour long drive home, that I was sure to be smacked on the head for it. But I was armed and ready with an explanation that couldn't lose ~ I'm bad at taking instructions and I'm stubborn.

They say that what you DO is sometimes worth more its weight in gold than what you SAY. And if you were to ask any of my closemates, they would probably tell you that I'm more of the doing-kind than the saying-kind. Yes, I have a lot of words to use per day but when push comes to shove, I am almost always out of words.

So yeah, there was a lil baggy stuffed with all kinds of grab-grub that would hopefully see the end of the week. And no, I didn't get smacked in the head but got great bear hugs instead. Which is very, very nice (see - told ya I sometimes lose my words).

All in all, it was an excellent start to the week and month. I can hardly believe it's already October. Something in my bones tell me, it can and will only get better. Afterall, it ain't everyday that someone tells ya he would buy you a house if he 1) remembers to buy a lotto ticket tomorrow and 2) picks the winning numbers! Nor is it everyday that someone says that having a security pass to my new place would be a great thing.

Sometimes, you've gotta take the risk to enjoy the rewards.

Through the fire, through the rain
Through the joy and the pain
Through the fights, through the change
Through the nights, through the days

It damn all remains the same
I'm gonna you the world

The "world" right now seems contained to great bear hugs, knowing my thoughts before I speak them out and a whole lot of love. But that's rewards enough for this girl.

Give you the world

The Dey