Hear Us Please...

Today is the latest I had my bath after waking. It’s coming close to half past noon already but the chores of the morning were just concluded.

Coming home has always been poignant but it has never touched the depth that it did today. It drives home the point that life is so much easier to assimilate and adapt to when you’re many miles away. It less guilty for one to say “but what can I do with this distance in between?!”

My aunt asked if I could help her with my grandma’s daily shower this morning cos my other aunt and uncle have their own things to attend to. Doing chores around the house has become the norm – we are after all now grown adults, running our own households. Besides, with my grandma being so withered as she is now, how difficult can it be to assist in lifting her from the bed to the bath?! Add to that, I may not be professionally trained, but I’ll be the next in line after the two nurses in the family to be exposed to healthcare as a reality.

Little did I know that what I had expected to be a sit-and-wait-for-15 minutes turned out to be a 2 hour affair.

You see, grandma has been bedridden since her fall 2 Christmas ago. Add with the fact that she is now about 7 years shy of a century in age, it is more or less a serious state of internal systems failure. She no longer has any control over many bits of her body.

As I waited each time my aunt checked if she was ready to come off the throne, it was evident that aunty’s sanity is shaved off that wee bit more. When we finally got her cleaned and out of the bath, as we made the trip, encouraging her to take that step forward towards the bed so we could dressed her, I could smell that she would need another cleaning. And that was the straw that broke the camel on my aunt’s back.

My aunt is not a bad person. She really isn’t. To do this, day-in, day-out even as she is in her own golden years, is not something I can see myself doing. I would have the mental strength to be able to take it. And I know it pains her to see grandma in the state that she is.

Last night, as I read Gwen’s daily posting, my heart broke when I read of Jemima and Ezaye. I sat on the couch and tears welled up in my eyes as I read of how Gwen cradled these babies and sang to them of joy awaiting them in our Father’s house.

Today those same emotions are brought right back to the surface that I had to hide in the backyard, using cigarette smoke to shield the break I know that was and is evident on my face.

I ache not for the burden that has been given to our family. We were all brought up right to know that it is a privilege, not a burden.

I ache for one plain simple fact through all this, my grandma is well aware of what is happening to her – this loss of control and the pain she deems to be bringing on to the ones who are taking care of her.

I ache cos we were all brought up by her, and so we carry in ourselves, the one fierce sense of independence. And if even in my quarantine period from suspected H1N1 I had refused any one to bring me food, I cannot imagine what goes through her mind (though I do not really need my imagine – she voices out her wish to be released from this earthly world often enough).

I leave tonight and there are no immediate plans for me to come back, unless I am ‘summoned” to.

I do not have any concrete plans on how to spend the rest of today and I am sorely tempted to go sit with her, hold her hand and do what Gwen did many thousand miles away with the babies Jemima and Ezaye.

I am sorely tempted to sit with her, hold her hand and sing in English:

Do you want to go to my Father’s house,

to my Father’s house, to my Father’s house?

Do you want to go, to my father’s house?

It has joy, joy, joy.

Honestly, if I thought my words had any clout with God at all, I would spend the rest of the day, the week, the month to do this daily with her until He hears our prayers. Instead, I guess the best that I can do for now is to simply ask:

God – let this cup pass from her…

Big and Empty

I've been sitting on my couch, looking at my apartment, wondering why is it that it has somehow managed to retrieve the feeling of being big. And empty.

This was how it felt when I first moved in about a year ago. Though it is smaller than the old place, it actually feels huge. Over time and months, it no longer felt such a distance to get from the front door to the window.

Yet, that feeling is back.

"Why?" I am asking myself. How did I let this happen?

No Sanctuary

It is a bad foreign relations week. If I were an embassy, I would have the doors shut, the staff sent home and a sign saying "No sanctuary here."

I have literally unraveled at the seams at this goodwill, good karma building section. It has been such a long time since I've been here - this dark and twisted side that I've forgotten how to deal with it. Thus allowing it to brew, stew and fester like an untreated sore.

Truth be told, I really have no real reason to be here. But I can't muster the will to get out of here as well. 

Though I know I should - I'm burning bridges one day at a time, keep this up and soon there'll be none left.

Though I know I should - I'm right back at saying things in a manner that is meant to slice, dice and severe.

Though I know I should - I'm running away from persons who are important to me, persons capable of pulling me out, because somewhere in this pea sized brain of me, I seem to lay the fault at the doors of these same people.

If you've never been here, and if trying hard to comprehend what it is I mean - I'm sorry to say, you're the last person I would wanna help. Not when it feels difficult to breathe - literally. Not when I can envisage a vice, tightening its grip around my heart, making my chest cavity feel about as big as a 25 ml jam jar.

My dad once told me, in a distant memory flashback, that if I thought I needed to talk to someone, I should. If I thought I was going slightly off my meter, I should not be afraid to come out and say I need help.

I laugh at this memory (when he said it exactly, I cannot recall) cos right now, if I allowed myself to speak - to anyone, I am very sure that the words to come out would be this: 

Tell me what my use to you is - cos that's all I am here for ~ to be of some personal use to you. Best you tell me now so I can jot it down in my "What's Barbs good for" lil black book, which I can then use to justify my meager existence in this place we call world, and perhaps feel slightly good about myself.

And apart from me talking to a professional, another poor, kind soul is going to get hurt - see I told you things are meant at this very point to drive right thru.

Which is probably why the RSS feed to my Facebook page has been removed. Cos I cannot bear having persons, seemingly my friends, read this and go "Oh wow - she's really gone off her rockers!" Though I really shouldn't care who judges me - your opinion is not the sum of my existence. My use to you is.

I wish I can just get to the bottom of this devil's cauldron in a flash. So that the only other way out is up.

Or maybe solitude is the answer - that way, no one comes near enough for you to stay abouts long enough to be of any use.

Julia wants to be on her own

Sharing her thoughts, she is all alone

Dreaming of the things she wants to be

Where Julia dont belong

Once Upon A Time

I am doing something out of the ordinary this week. For starters - I'm actually eating dinner (gasp!) and I'm making plans to not dine alone. 

I have already met up with Brie which was great cos he's leaving for foreign lands in a week. And I had a lovely time, under the guise of work, with the LegalBeagle at Alexis last night. Tonight, I'm hosting my pseudo golf coach and friend Bob ~ celebrating his birthday (belated!) with him for the 1st time since I've known him (Mind you - Bobby was the one who orchestrated my smashing under the table session on my 30th!). Tomorrow night, Ballz and I will catch up again over dinner after many weeks of absence.

It is something out of the ordinary for I was the one who said - Let's meet up. And we all know I am the lousiest person on the planet in terms of friends to keep in touch. Yet, I felt that life is short and circumstances spiral lives beyond their control. And it was time I put my foot down to take back some semblance of control.

Once upon a time, no matter how busy the day got, my best buddy would never fail to squeeze in the couple of minutes to write me an email. And I on my part, would never fail to reply it as soon as the red envelope pops up on my Google talk. It's been months since I got an email from him and I have not taken the initiative to start one either.

Once upon a time, no matter how tired people got at the end of the day, my pals and I would somehow drag ourselves to the nearest watering hole, just to unwind over a drink and the looming dusk, talking about this-that-and-nothing-very-much. I have not seen my ex-colleagues in weeks, and they have not rung me either.

Once upon a time, no matter how dreadful traffic got, a man would get into his car, drive some distance to see two young'uns he called his own. And if he didn't get to see them, he would take note of the time of year and ask after them, their progress, their growth, their development. I've finally taken the decision to reverse the situation and move the two young'uns along, and this man has not objected to it.

Once upon a time, no matter how late work ended, or how one meeting blended into another, you never failed to text me on your cigarette breaks and we'd have our quickie catch up on how the day is going. You would rant and I would give the right responses, ending it with a "Chin-up ~ just x-days till gets here!" I have done all I can, and I will do no more while you go into your solitary mode for whatever reasons you may have.

Paulo Coelho once asked on his blog - how many times have we changed ourselves and what brought about that change. I do not have a clear cut answer except to say that it's probably got something to do with things ending and things begining. And perhaps these "once upon a time"s need not be left as they are; perhaps I could do something about them.

But really, I can't be asked to anymore. Nothing sums it up better than this line from PS I Love You:

Watch out for that signal,
when life as you know it ends.

Only these times - there is no post-script what-so-ever.

Alternate Realities

A week ago, the Bear wrote on his blog ~"My friend is in a lot of pain today and I know despite all, there is nothing I can do to help or soothe her pain. She is at a cross-road of whether she should continue on her current path which is without any heading, or does she stop and start on a new path."

I am sitting here and wondering would I be feeling any different today, if that didn't happen.

And caving in is NOT AN OPTION simply because the song says this:

Cos I got time while he's got freedom

While I'm wide awake he's no trouble sleeping

Cos he's moved on while I'm still grieving

No... when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... But that doesn't mean I don't get the option of walking tall, with my head held high and going on with a song.

Words Of The Day

Limbo

Not hanging to the left, nor to the right. Suspended in some kind of time and space warp. Not sure what to do. Not sure if to do anything at all. Comes from assuming too many things, and clarifying nothing at all. 

Inadequate

Unqualified, ill-equipped to be able to accomplish certain tasks, goals, objectives. Unfamiliar territory, unmarked grounds. Wanting to give up, yet not willing to admit defeat. Challenged and trying to figure out how to get past it.

Frustration

Coming up to a brick wall that seem to run for miles, with no end in sight. Wanting, needing, craving to move forward, yet stuck not by owner's choice. 

Maybe it's cos I'm feeling under the weather and fighting really hard to stay on top of things, on top of life. Trying very hard not to say out loud "I'm tired of all this." Trying very hard not to allow one stupid mistake to follow another. 

Anyhow, these are my words for today...What are your words for today... a Wednesday?

Let Me Go?

Home ~ noun

1. A house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2. The place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3. The dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
4. The place or region where something is native or most common.
5. Any place of residence or refuge.
6. A principal base of operations or activities

I am having a deep sense of melancholy as I sit in my study room, looking out on one of the city’s major highways, noting the doubling amount of traffic, heading north and south. I observe my neighbours, pulling trolley bags, baskets of goodies, dressed casually as they pile into their cars and head off.

It’s the rush to get “home” for most people, even the non-Chinese as we are a day shy of a new lunar calendar.

For the Chinese, heading home during this season is one of the most important acts as an adult person. It is a demonstration of the values one was brought up with, and still holds dear despite having grown their own wings. Our culture even extends it to the married ones, as the 3^rd day of the festivities is when husbands bring their wives back to visit their own families.

Tomorrow would see most homes bustling with a hive of activity as mise en place for the evening meal is kicked off. In our home, it would mean that the veges are washed, chopped, diced, sliced. The beef would go into a large pot with onions, potatoes, carrots, tomatoes and an old porcelain spoon, and the pot sitting over a charcoal fire till early evening. The chicken would be braised, steamed, dropped into curries.

Come late afternoon, the 2^nd dining table would come out. Spare cutleries would be washed, dried and set. Plates of all designs would be placed next to two large rice-cookers. Plastic chairs would be wiped down, counted and parked around the table. 

By 6 pm, everyone would have taken their turn in the shower, dressed and ready to open the gates as the others who lived away pulled their cars into the grounds and familiar faces seen only once a year appear behind the gates. 

Dinner is not a long affair. A whole day’s prep, done in less than 60 minutes. But in that 60 minutes, the banter, the laughter, the reminiscing would last us the whole year thru. And as one generation grows older, we cannot help but remark how blessed our family is to have 4 generations under 1 roof. 

I am having a deep sense of melancholy as I sit in my study room, remembering how it always has been, and how it would be tomorrow night. Except that I would not be there, but here alone, all by myself. 

I am having a deep sense of melancholy as I cannot go home.

Can you get that?

I cannot cave. Not right now. Not when my career depends on it and decisions need to be made. I cannot cave and not cope with this whole lot of missing you.

You would not want that. You would not want to hear about it.

But I need you. I need you so badly even I cannot believe it. And it’s scaring the hell out of me – this realization of how much I have come to depend on you to keep my sanity abouts me. How not being able to have you around when I want you to be makes me go somewhat looney and desperate.

You make sense. You make things make sense.

And I need you to tell me that I can do this – take on this project, on top of everything else and be alright. That I won’t go back to being that person I was before.

I need you to tell me that I can do this – that I have all the skills, experience and talents to do this. And not just do it, but pull it out in the style that I always do.

But most of all, I need you to tell me that it’s alright to have to wanna need you.

Can you hear that? 

Can you feel that? 

I really don’t wanna put this on your overflowing plates as it is. But I really need this. I really need you to step up and be that person.

I don't ask for much... just to hear you say the same would get me by right now.

Can you get that?

Apple Juice for Breakfast

By the end of today, I'll either be blissfully happy or consciously numb. But I think I know which way that one is gonna go, so let's give it a leg-up with a nice tall glass of apple juice to get the vibes going

SS is right - I haven't done all I can, and that being out in the clear and the open is a far better place than hiding in a bubble and going la-di-dah.

Yes. Horrible things DO happen.
Happiness in the face of all of that?
That's not the goal.
Feeling the horrible and knowing that
you're not gonna die from those feelings...
THAT's the point.

Whatever the outcome is, I think I'll be alright. Cos AT LEAST I won't be grey anymore. And while this is the least responsible thingy to do, who are we kidding that everything else that I've been doing HAS BEEN the most responsible thing either?

I owe it to myself.

Sod It

Very occasionally, I'd go and shove my big feet into my mouth. Royally. And THIS is one of them royal instances.

*Sigh* I wanna crawl under a rock and hide.

I'd much rather face the music than the silence. Just scream at me, why don'tcha?!

Free Bird

I spent the weekend at home with the kids, alternating between reading, hiding under my blanket and engulfing the young’uns in mindless trivia. We could have done more, such as go mall-ratting or hit Lydia’s school carnival but I couldn’t find the energy to go beyond what I have to. Not this weekend. And I am frankly disappointed with myself for I have made sure the past month or so that their time with me has been quality time.

The book that I’ve just finished is called “Goodnight, Beautiful”. It should not have been something to pick up and read. Maybe that’s why I have refrained from buying new books. Old ones re-read don’t contain many surprises to throw you off your seat. New ones – they tend to do that to me.

I am spiraling yet again. And I hate it. It’s a place I have not been back to in a long while (well, six months or so) – and I haven’t missed it long enough to be thrown back in here.

PEr comments in his latest posting ~ Where are the classes for dealing with the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, the failure of a relationship? No wonder so many people feel lost and alone when they are going through hard times. No wonder many turn to alcohol and even suicide. How many times have you heard someone in distress say, "I can't see a way out."

I sat next to a couple of strangers last week at the café downstairs. With my walkman plugged in, they thought my ears were oblivious to their conversation, during which she brought her friend up to speed with all that’s been going on in her life, ending with “I’m seeing someone I should not be seeing.” And in that moment, I wished with all my might, I had her good fortune ~ of having a friend to sit and talk to like so.

Yet, it is not to say that I have been abandoned by my friends but they are not what I seek. Not when they treat my life as something of the drama that is lacking in theirs. And because I can smell their need for gossip, drama and everything-else-Wisteria-Lane, I shy away from them and their mindless insensitivity.

LB goes along the same lines, albeit in a 1st person scenario ~ Spare me the madness. But the desperation is there, the moments of despair, all-engulfing loneliness - total and complete, even when I'm not alone it seems I'm still behind a pane of glass, unreachable; removed; untouchable.

I’m at my wits end. I have taken to storming heaven – my brother calls it a rampage of novenas but even in that, I do not know how to put into words my need for help in this downward free-fall.

I need to get away. I feel like a big black cloud has engulfed me and I am choking. Everywhere I turn, I am surrounded by dread…

I need to find my spot of serenity before I well and truly hit rock-bottom and no one can reach me once again... September's ended but I've obviously forgotten that it's time to wake up.

Dread

I jump each time my phone beeps in the early evening. I dunno if it would be the text that I'm dreading. It's a deep fear, one I don't wanna live with. And I'm stuck with it all in my head.

I can't bring it up with him - his world is mad enough as it is.

I can't tell any of my friends - no one would understand.

I hate being here, in THIS place ... please somebody - TAKE A GUN AND SHOOT ME!

Dashed Beaver

It's a rainy Friday afternoon. The skies are gloomy as I look out the office windows.

And someone out there is just as glum as the skies are. It just has to happen with the weekend round the corner, eh? Talk about rotten tomatoes and timing!

I think I should go buy that elusive lottery ticket tomorrow. Twenty million buckeroos would go a long way in terms of restoring smiles upon that face. Or at least, it'll bring back the car that could at least sit in the house when I can't.

Look left, look right

re·al·i·ty ~ noun

1. The quality or state of being actual or true
2. One, such as a person, an entity, or an event, that is actual
3. The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence
4. That which exists objectively and in fact

Here I stand alone with this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Well I tried but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

It is a harsh morning of stark realities. Not entirely on my front lawn but painful nonetheless. And no one is to blame for this. It is just one of those lil dark clouds that would roll in unannounced and pour as heavily as it can over your head, catching you unaware.

I told a dear friend this morning in not so many words this morning that he would never likely get what he wants out of life right now cos he's not ready to make that change. To accept that it's one of those 3-in-1 coffees - just add water. And I wish I wasn't the authority on the subject-matter.

Many roads to take
Some to joy, some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

I heard from Whites over email a few days ago. And he told me to drop Ben and find a good guy. My reply to him: He is a good guy. A great guy. And a number of people agree with me. Garlic just told me last night that he sounds like a fantastic guy for running by me what I thought of him taking a job in Singapore, and how that would affect this so-called-form of "us".

I may have accidentally evaded having to answer that question. But even if I was conscious about what it was he was asking, I would not have given him the answer to it. Not because I am less than honest, or hiding under the carpet next to the dust bunnies. But because there is a bigger picture that has not been drawn into the scene. And that bigger picture would be of Lydia and Luke.

And it would always be primarily Barbsie, Doh-doh and Lukey, no matter what. Should someone else want to be part of the scene, they have to acknowledge that the leading stars would always be these two. We would be merely supporting actors with quite possibly our own spin-off. But in the main show, it would always be them and it is not something up for debate or discussion.

Garlic always tells me that it is never easy for another guy to accept someone else's children to be his own. But it doesn't mean it cannot happen. It has and quite possibly one would be blessed enough to see that happening in our own backyard as well.

But for now, if you ask me why this whole Monday-thing is still in limbo: I would tell you it's because I know the harsh realities of life. He cannot give me any more than what is on the table and I know better than to ask for pain by wanting more than.

I do not want to go thru yet again what I have gone thru before. Even hearing of someone else being in that position right now just rips my guts out. And I do not want to put someone I love thru what another that I care very much about is going thru.

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed ... If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

Life and love is hard enough as it is on its own. What more when one tries to simplify it by going the route of Instant Coffee? Yes, it's called being scared and scarred. Yes, it's called being defensive. But someone's gotta draw the line and be the protector at some point in life. Unfortunately, the role almost always falls onto one and it is the one who does not speak of what goes on inside of their head but sit on their balcony and be very, very still.

Cos there is nothing else that we can do when we are in the position of looking right to love and joy, and to the left with love and sorrow. The right and left hand claps and we're caught in the middle.

What If
Kate Winslet

Shame and My Lil Blue Card

According to Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English ~ A blog is an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page.

I read with angst that a blogger has been detained for a period of 2 years, without trial under the country’s Internal Security Act. This “celebrity” has been on our front pages for jotting down his un-censored thoughts on the state of our country, and the people running it.

Al wrote an interesting piece on him recently and I agree with Al fully on it – this individual is dangerous and somewhat a loose canon. But THAT does not give anybody the right to lock him away without trial for a specific time period, just because he is giving the people what they want – minus the sex of course.

I am infuriated by this out-right violation of the Freedom of Speech laws by the powers-that-be. It is utter snobbery of them to think their signature is mightier than the pen. With this violation, they are deeming themselves to be greater than laws written and accepted by the rest of the world. They are deeming themselves to be God by denying a person of his human right to “hold opinions without interference.”

Have they not read Article 19 of the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights? Have they not spoken with their European counterparts on Article 10 of the European Convention on Human Rights? Have they not watched enough American movies citing The First Amendment?

I feel as though I belong to a nation of ID10Ts. The Poeple-in-Power has just made me feel like I have no brain with this "threat" into my personal space by trying to make an example of another.

IF their intent was one of keeping country-and-citizen harmony, they have failed horrendously (for lack of a better word!!). Can you not hear the strains of the song from Les Miserables: Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again! I may not work on a cotton farm, and I may not have chains around my ankles. But treat me the way you are, I might as well be a slave in old Missisippi!

IF their intent was one of continuing their stay in power, they have just cast the vote against their ownselves. Have an election today and you'll be going out in worse graces than those of Thaksin Shinawatra. (He's got a football club in a nice European country - what have you got?)

IF their intent was one of sending a message of warning to the Rakyat to behave like the schoolkids or risk being sent to the Principal’s Office, they have just created their own Columbine.

Our country has been generous to ensure that each of us receives a stipulated amount of learning. For Christ's sake, do not undermine the education system you have given your people by making them look as if they are incapable of forming their own opinions and knowing where the balance between Lies and Half-truths.

This whole issue of inciting the revolution via a news blog in my opinion is nothing but a whirlwind wordplay romance, hotter than Gone with the Wind. The notoriety of the said site of sedition precedes one reading it ~ it is to be read in place of having a teh-tarik conversation with the dude. As with any mamak outings so entrenched in our culture, one should know not to take each and every word exchanged as the Gospel truth. It is BUT the hot, fiery opinion of a very passionate individual. And just because I read it, doesn't mean I would act on it.

My sympathy today goes out to the family of RPK and the challenges they face ahead. Two years - that's a lot of kilometres for ferrying toothbrushes, toothpaste and soap!

But more importantly, it lies with the Them-who-think-they-be-God for their stupidity is now shining like a full-moon against the dark night. If they thought they could get away with another utter-no-brainer act like this and still be liked ~ they thought wrong. One fine day soon, they are gonna feel like the guy who held his kid down asking "Who's ya Dah-dy?" and getting the answer "Mummy says it's Uncle Bob" in reply.

It is truly a bleak day, despite the upbeat start. God help our country and her people who carry its lil blue MyKad. May it melt in our wallets the instant it sees light. For it is no longer a piece of card that bears any honour. I'd much rather carry a Zimbawean Dollar.

For once in my life, I hang my head in shame by having to call myself a citizen of Malaysia.

Here I am

It's a sad day. I'm feeling lost as to how someone can feel better and be lifted out of his doldrums.

If I knew him better, I suppose I would know what I can do or say. But truth be told, I don't know him all that well ... and so, I dunno how I am to be. I don't even know how to begin communicating the fact to him that he's not alone, that I'm here and would always be.

I suppose I can do nothing but remain here until he learns to look this way.

Lil Gal Blue

I am staying out as late as I can .. I can't bear to go back home.

It's a shame that it had to be this way
It's not enough to say I'm sorry
Maybe I'm to blame
Or maybe we're the same
But either way I can't breathe
Either way I can't breathe

I am quite amazed actually that I can go on this long without any mental melt-down, other than the few minutes when I wake up in the morning, and the few minutes before I go to sleep. A constant in my nightly mobile communication with the Man Upstairs has been ~ Please God, let sleep enfold me as soon as my head hits the pillow. Of course, this is said as I brush my teeth (kinda defeats the purpose if I say it when I am already in bed!).

I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive
Cause everything we've been through
And everything about you
Seemed to be a lie
A guiltless twisted lie
It made me learn to hate you
Or hate myself for letting it pass by

I am keeping myself busy - doing things that I don't have to do - like take work home when there's nothing urgent to look into tomorrow morning. Just so I don't have to sit on my couch and stare at the dent I have made on The Wall.

And every, everything isn't only what it seemed
So hold these words that you never told me
It's time to say goodbye

Bear says I am who I am, and my life is the way it is for a reason. I am trying very hard to swallow this one - I know, I shouldn't be questioning - S.U.R.R.E.N.D.E.R.

I asked today, if I should sign up for the programme that begins in February - at least I have something to look forward to. I am not supposed to.

I asked today, if I should forget about the whole moving thingy and stay where I am ~ cos right now, the only logical location for me to move to, is the last possible place I want to be - everyday. I am to move out of the current pigeon hole and move on to another.

Take my hand away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong

Someone reminded me today that if I had chosen to surrender and live life accordingly, then I must take each hurdle in my stride, and believe in that I am not walking alone. That if I ask to learn certain lessons in life, then I must see each as what I had asked and LEARN the lesson, once and for all.

All I had to say is goodbye
We're better off this way

I have a pack and a half left of fags before I call it a day on that vice. It's not the best of times to be quitting smoking (yes - there never is a good time!). My patience is failing me. My sanity is failing me. My tastebuds for enjoying the alcoholic buzz is failing me as well.

If I sat really still and be quiet - would it all go away? Would they then stop calling me the Lil Gal Blue?

Why does everything have to be so difficult?!

Goodbye
Secondhand Serenade

And So It Is

Okay - I have to state before I begin, that there are a great number of things that I'm gonna be blogging about tonight, all thanks to Garlic and his 3 glasses of Trout Creek Sauvignon Blanc.

~ ** ~

I have been right silent the whole day on the Shooter, though there were many thoughts that needed dislodging. I choose to stay silent, to mull over yesterday a little bit more. And here's a run down of what I did since my last post:

1. I went home and mixed up a litre of Screwdriver (half vodka, half orange juice), poured myself a big glass of it, took a sip, threw the glass's contents as well as the jug's contents down the sink hole.
2. Sat and watched the whole Season 1 of Army Wives, except that after 8 episodes, it got quite depressing cos every lady in there were either 1) Married for a long time but still in love or 2) Very much in love and newly married.
3. Thumped my head repeated into THE wall (I shall NOT elaborate why a wall has a name in my house) after getting a Monday text. It's not all that bad and it was done in lieu of breaking something, anything.
4. Sat on my couch and realised that I had absolutely no real concrete reason to be doing any of the above.

And so it is that Barbsie hasn't changed very much at all, despite Grey's Anatomy Season 4 ending on a bright and shiney note for Meredith Grey.

~ ** ~

I just spent the last couple of hours at Garlic's apartment, sitting on his balcony, drinking wine and talking. I told him he needed to get rid of the ladies shoes on the shoe-rack and the pics of his ex-gf around the house. I also told him what was up with the world which according to CNN, CNBC, BCC, Bloomberg and The Star Online this morning:

1. John McCain has managed to catch up with Barack Obama in the opinion polls since the Convention. He is now only 1% behind as the next President the people of USA would choose.
2. The prices of oil is now at its lowest, thanks to the rising USD.
3. The USD is rising and the Asian markets recovering becos the US Feds decided on Sunday to bail out Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.
4. Japan is likely to have its first female PM.
5. PKR is pissed cos their likely fence-jumpers have been shipped off to Taiwan for some study tour.
6. The hurricane is likely to skip Florida over the next two days and hit South America instead. It's not good news cos it's gonna cause flooding in Dublin and flight delays and I have students heading out there for the first time.

And so it is that the world is definitely in a lot of uncertainty and turmoil (way beyond the rising cos of our petrol prices) and it is being driven by many forces out of our control, AND it's not a nightmare that anyone is gonna wake soon from.

~**~

I have been neglecting my fave Astro channel off-late - Asian Food Channel. I can't even whip up a decent meal for myself in the last two weeks. It's been traded off with the 4 channels mentioned above.

Yes - that's what I do each morning when I wake up, while having my fry-up-in-a-mug, my coffee and my pot of yogurt. It's nothing much to shout about, except for the fact that I have the News Channel subscribed to, for the plain simple reason of knowing what to expect when the phone goes ding-dong and I see a familiar name pop up. Go on - smack me on the head! I deserve it.

Everything I know today, is a result of someone else. Mobile communications cos Darshen did his Masters in Satelite Comms. PR, A&P cos Ray ran his own A&P company. Property cos Sen's a Property Manager. And now this - the way the world is and the state of the economy cos said person is a bloody economist with an international bank.

But it's a good thing ain't it? Cos it keeps me on top of things that's happening in the world. Especially when I've been in jobs that are pretty much vacuum-packed Cryovaced pouches ~ Fairview being Godpa's world, the restaurants being contained within the limits of channel 707 and 703, and the current one all happening in Eire.

And so it is, that I'm a people-driven person and it's something that hasn't changed, despite 10 years on.

~**~

I guess a lot of people out there who reads the Shooter have been wondering how did my world collapse overnight, with a blink of the eye?! Pretty simple really - one wrong move, a wrong word said and literally kaboom! Especially when one has played the game so well.

Monday once said to me that Sex is the City was a whole bunch of crap cos in real life, Mr Big doesn't have the time in the world to do the stuff he does with Carrie on the telly. Back then, of course, I laughed it off and agreed that life in the celluliod is way different from reality. And I have done pretty well - keeping his comment in mind, every time some shits hits the fan, somewhere else in the world. But I am only human, and I can only remember a passing remark made yorns ago for so long.

And so it is, that it was only a matter of time, when my base personality and character took over and let it rip, right up where the sun don't shine.

~**~

I have been thinking it over and over again in my head, trying to rationalise the whole situation. Where did I go wrong? How did I screw up? Would it not matter an ounce to me, if I had remained in my old job where I worked from sun-up to sun-down? Would it make a difference if I didn't live on the wrong side of the valley and that it takes 40-fucking-minutes and 28 kilometres, going thru 2 tolls, to get to my house?

I was so afraid that in my state of mind yesterday, I would go commit something so irreversible, that I boldly and politely told some people where the line was, and how they should no longer cross it. I even deleted Charlie's name from my list of contacts (which by the by is in there only so I could commit it to the "ignore" list of numbers when it rings).

LegalBeagle said to me last Friday that I was living such a sham, and now I agree with him. His equation is simple - friendship, sex and fidelity = a relationship. You don't need big displays of affection to solidify an emotional attachment. All these subtleties - says it all. I have gone way over the hill, down the mountain and died upon arrival at Base Camp Zero.

~**~

And so it is, that while he has absolutely no reason, no need to lie, even to get out of an obligation, I couldn't buy it.

And so it is, that while I know for a fact from my 55x-series of channels if a day is going to be good or bad for him at work, I still doubted.

And so it is, that while there are people in such positions where they work from sun-up to sun-down, my ownself being one of those, I thought it was another load of crap thrown my way/

And so it is, that because I could and would probably never be able to buy that 100% each and every time, despite the physical evidence being so apparent, I walked away.

~**~

Wounded heart I cannot save you from yourself
Though I wanted to be brave, it never helped.
Cause your trouble’s like a flood raging through your veins
No amount of love’s enough to end the pain

Tenderness and time can heal a right gone wrong,
but the anger that you feel goes on and on.
And it’s not enough to know that I love you still
So I’ll take my heart and go for I’ve had my fill

If you listen you can hear the angel’s wings
Up above our heads so near they are hovering
Waiting to reach out for love when it falls apart
When it cannot rise above a wounded heart.

And so it is... I've gone and screwed up yet again.

I think I shall go home and sleep now, lest I cause more harm than good by being awake and conscious.

Wounded Heart
Bonnie Raitt

Blink Once

Sometimes I wonder, why the people who read the Chemical Shooter, do what they do - read it. It is but the mutterings of a soul amongst the billions out there. It is nothing but a virtual dumping ground cos the other beings in the house who reside with me have cotton between their ears and cannot talk back. It is the space where I use up my alloted number of words a day.

I just went and had lunch with the Bear. Poor him - getting the brunt of my foulness today. But that's the good thing about true friends - they acknowledge that sometimes you just need to let it out, just a little. And with that, I have to say that Barbsie wasn't too bad and ill-behaved (right Bear?)

Tonight, I'm gonna take in a dvd, make some pasta, pour some wine and vegetate in front of the telly. And no matter how tempted you are (for whatever reason you may have) to 1. remind me that it's Monday and 2. ask why - please don't.

Sometimes, things happen and we're destined never to know 1. why it happens and 2. WHY it happens to you. There are days when I wish I weren't such a firm believer of the Faith and today is one of those. There are times when I realise that sometimes praying might not be the best thing to do, and this is one of those times.

I was brought up to "never question" and to accept that how life plays out, is not determined by me but by a higher authority - One who is said to know me even before I was born. I wish for once that He would talk to me and tell me the Plan - the Grand Plan - so that every tumble I take, I know how many more there is left to go. Cos frankly, there ain't much skin left on this extremely scrapped knee.

But seeing how I can't do that, I will do the next best thing according to the Sisterhood of Heart, Lung, Liver and Sanity - make Vodka your best friend and you'll never walk the rest of the day alone. Hey - whatever floats my boat and brings nightfall to an end.

And, if you genuinely think it is unwise - let me try and redeem my afternoon by stating that THERE ARE WORSE THINGS I CAN DO, other than be an Absolute air-head. So see - I'm not doing all that badly. We have nothing to worry unless I start dialling Charlie, or anybody else for that matter. But yes - you heard me right - Charlie.

They say you only get one shot at Life, and you should seize the day, not let it pass you by. Cos time, once passed, cannot be reclaimed. And no amount of wishing and praying will bring time back.

And so, maybe after a few shots, I'd be able to say I'm alright and I'm okay and that truly - it's just another one of those things that happen, and it's not a result of my own doing (literally and spiritually!)

Nonetheless, if you are ever asked to do something for me this year - let this be the one and only thing you do - leave the past where it is. The escapades of Days of Our Lives ends here. If you cannot contain yourself and must give in to either temptations - I have to state that I am not liable for any ill-fate that befalls you subsequently.

Blink once if you understand what it is I'm saying.

Where ...

The weekend is coming to an end. I have 1 less thing to plague my mind. It's a relief. It was a place I didn't wanna go back to. I'd probably lose all my soul if I had to.

I woke up this morn wishing an old buddy of mine lived in the same town as I do. That way, I could call him and he could come sit wif me. Except this time round, we'd be all grown up and loading up on fags and alcohol as we watch my world fall apart again.