Beatle Bugs

I have always like to think of myself as having grown, becoming open to the differing opinions, paradigms, perspectives and values.

Perhaps I've been ambitious in my thought. Perhaps I've taken a wrong line of acceptance - isn't it that when you accept you do not question the whys, the hows, the whos and the what? 

I am bugged and bummed out. Cos when it comes down to certain matters and state of affairs (no pun intended here!), there are some lines I cannot cross, try as I may to be accepting. And it was with that that I had to tell a friend that from henceforth, there is one area which I will NOT go there with. That for one part of his journey called His Life, he walks the rest of the way, without me. 

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?

I'm bugged cos this is the same friend that I had said - anytime, anything just call and I'll be there, in the next barstool. I feel as if I'm bailing out on him. Yet, I've tried and tried till I'm turning blue in my unseen face. And I have to admit defeat. 

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

I'm bummed cos everyone else in the same circle seems to take it in their stride, this on-going saga. And it has left me wondering if I may have inadvertently hoodwinked myself into thinking that one day, one wedding and numerous online chats later, a strong bond of friendship has blossomed. Blossomed to the point that I think I know said person well, when in fact, I know them not at all. And the who I thought I knew, I placed on some angelic pedestal. And now he lies in a heap of broken marble on my floor.

Tis sad. Tis heartbreaking.

But this is not a case of asking one to choose. There is nothing to choose. And we're not 8 year olds in the school yard, having a recess time disagreement. 

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends.

While saying I'm sorry may not mean very much here and now, I will still say it nonetheless. Cos that's just who and how I am.

So as I crawl away like a beetle bug, I'm sorry mate. You've sung way out of tune and it's jarring my ears.
 

The Only Difference

in·dif·fer·ent

• marked by impartiality
• That does not matter one way or the other

Someone remarked that the only difference between us was our indifferences. Some things that I choose to take a stand over, he doesn't. Some things that he chooses to take a stand over, I have no particular opinion.

In many ways, we are as different as night and day. Yet in many ways, we could be two peas in the same pod. If I focussed on our differences, it would drive me crazy. If I focussed on our similarities, it would drive him crazy.

But I guess my question then is this: do I even need to focus on one or the other?

Perhaps I should just appreciate the fact that my differences and indifference are taken as they are. And I would do well to do more of the same.

Shame on Me

Someone told me that he is on a mission to discover himself. I could have said "well done you," or "how can I help?" or even just give a simple nod of head that says "I hear ya!" But I did none of the above. 

Instead, I became needlessly mean and vicious. Venomous to an extent even. And it’s uncalled for. Totally and thoroughly.

And while I may take some pride in knowing that I can realise all this because I know myself. It also comes with some amount of disappointment because the pattern of behaviour is slowly coming to light.

I am pushing the self-destruct button. Again.

I can say ‘old habits die hard’ but truly – this is not a habit to inculcate or even hold remotely close. And I’m disappointed with myself.

I’ll go sit in a corner and repent for a mo. Wake me up when September ends….

Passerà

My best friend Mandy is going off to Europe next week for a holiday. Funnily enough, I have been covering my tracks since her itinerary was drawn up, making sure no opportunities for drama can occur. Yes - recall the last time she went on holiday in February of last year, innocently thinking that all will be fine and well while she's away. Only to come home to a right mess of a best pal.

And that's how unhappiness is: it doesn't really come without a warning. It brews but you ignore. It screams but you shut it down. Until it comes right at you, and catches you in what you think is a state of unawares. But hell, you can't really blame it when you've been living in a state of denial.

It used to be easy to know how to tell when someone you're close to is unhappy. They'll cry, they'll sulk. Some may even skunk around a little bit. But as we grow older, we shut these reactions down. Perhaps it's cos we've sang the song "Pack all your troubles in your old knit bag and smile, smile, smile" too many times it manifests itself as actions.

Which is why one of the phrases I am always telling my best mates is this : No matter what you do, I'm the one you call when you need someone to come get you off this end of the bar. Cos at the end of the day, when you're swallowed up whole by that big bad emotion, there really isn't any place for the 3Rs - Recrimination, Reprimand and Rebuke.

And whether you're the cause of it, a party to it or an innocent collateral damage - there's really nothing much else to do except breathe. 

Passerà - it will pass.

This and That

I've been thinking all day (and all night) how to make sense of all this. Of the fact that for a good hour, you talked and I did not even want to look at you (though some may say "Well Done Barbsie!") Of how I was on the verge of walking to the door, opening it and saying "Please leave and don't ever come back!" Of how I waited and waited and waited for the stabbing pain right in the pit of your tummy to hit, and it never did.

I was told last night that my BFFs were not Mandy and Alex. But trust and commitment, with disappointment and risk trailing behind. And how we're gonna work through them, one at a time but eventually we're gonna returned me whole and healed.

I laugh now as I recall that. I laugh still at how you disregard my warning - many have come before you and tried and they have walked away, failed.

Oh dear God. How did I come a full circle? Right back where we left off - where we worked so hard to stay away from. Do we say then now that nothing's changed? Do we say we've tried, and it didn't work and perhaps this is rightfully where we're meant to be?

So many questions in my head, and yours. So many said out-loud in the open, in the still of the night. With it, so many answers I am trying to squash in my head - silence them back into the deep dark recesses of my mind.

Yet, try as I may, there's one that just won't. And not because it's the one that I need to hear, dark and twisted that I am right now. But it's the one that I'm gonna put down and lock forever in my virtual metal box. Cos it's the only one that's gonna keep screaming louder and louder and louder until I break it down. And this one - I do not want to break down.

You're still here cos you chose to.

If only I can believe it myself.

Choices

It's the 2nd weekend of the 7th month of the year. I'd like to think that after 2 years, I have learnt to brace myself for the silence that rings louder than 10 church bells peeling away simultaneously.

There is nothing particularly special for this said weekend of this month, except that it is the time that you steal yourself away from everyone else to go and reflect. Or rather, you call it reflection, I call it self-flagellation. All done under some tree, in some cemetery up north, looking over some small hill.

And one can't help but wonder - how long must it be, before you can actually come to this weekend, without any sense of remorse or regret? Has time not passed sufficiently for you to come to a point of realisation that no - you did not let her down, you're doing alright in her eyes and yes, she will still be proud of you and who you are today?

Many things have changed. And yet, some things remain the same.

The human life is made up of choices.
Yes or no. In or out. Up or down.
And then there are the choices that matter.
Love or hate. To be a hero or to be a coward.
To fight or to give in.
To live. Or die.
Live or die.
That's the important choice.
And it's not always in our hands.

I can tell you this in all the ways I can think of, and using all the words I know. Yet, it will come to nothing if you do not choose to let go of the regret and live in the pride of the joy you had been.

It is the 2nd weekend of the 7th month of the year. It is the weekend where you delayed returning home and hence missed saying goodbye to your mum before she left this world. I hope this year, you only had good things to tell her and that it ended with you telling you're okay and really knowing in your heart that you are.

Plans

One of the grand plans for the time I was to spend away was to start on my book project. Yes, the same project that I've been going on about for the last millenia or so. But hey - the bright side of it was I got on the plan with a file full of notes and thoughts. Only problem I did not factor is was the lack of time ~ last year I had so much time on my hand I ran up a grand on my mobile phone bill!

I hate making plans. Okay - that may not be utterly accurate. I love making plans. I just hate having to carry them out. As it was once said of me - I make everything look so darn good on paper. And of course, I do. It's easy once you set up a grid and meticulously plonk things into them. 

I currently have one new grid running. Hell, who am I kidding?! It's more than a grid. It's pages full of information drawn from countless people, strangers. And it's more than just one file - it's grown so much in size, I had to open a folder for it. And this lil folder is named "Summer 2011" - some 11 months away. And the grand plan of it would be that a certain someone would be coming with me, on my business trip and finishing it with an outing to Paris to celebrate the big 4-0.

It is a "grand" plan simply because for starters - we have never been folks who makes plans. Not to say that we go whichever way the wind blows. He has plans in his head. I have plans in mine. They just never had the chance before to come out and say "Hi! Nice to meet you." So the fact that this one actually got that far ~ I don't need to tell you I do occasionally pinch myself to see if this is real or not.

And here's an example of why I hate executing plans; of how I will somehow get it in my stupid lil pea size brain that it will fail, or not happen at all. On the drive back home last night, I got to thinking - if this doesn't take off, if you do not show up on the appointed time at the airport, do I still go ahead with everything that's planned or do I walk away miserable as hell?!

I know 11 months is a long time, and so many things - expected and unexpected can happen, would probably happen. But for now, I shall simply revel in the fact that me going off 3 days before you, and you coming after - was not part of your plan. 

Like I said - we're not planning folks. But I guess, plans do change afterall.

Priceless

They say the best things in life are free ~ and the last two days have proved exactly that. While it may not have come without its own dollar amount, as I put aside the various entrance tickets for the eventual scrape book ~ the priceless item of the family's first "holiday" is really the quiet moments of one-ness, unity and family-union.

I may be a grand down. My feet may disown me once again. My body might retaliate by refusing to move without protest. It was all worth it!

Months of planning, keeping cool and calm when well-intent protests came up from the folks ~ The Highlands Adventure has come and gone.

And I'm thinking - Doggone it! It was something I should have done a long time ago (cos seriously, the savings from the many bottles of alcohol would have more than paid for it!) - but I'm glad that I still had the chance too.

Barbsie is off to bed tonight a very happy camper!

Gains

 “Would you still be here, if there wasn’t the business?” the words finally came out of my mouth, after some 3 hours and 2 years of trying to find the correct tone, the correct words, the correct moment.

The skin is the largest organ in the body - it protects us.
Holds us together.
Literally lets us know what we are feeling.
The skin can be soft and vulnerable.
Highly sensitive, easy to break.

One of my saddest memories is that of a woman I’ve only recently seen in person, telling me how I was supposed to be the “winning ticket”, the person of influence who would turn her family life around – bring them out of the rags and back into the riches. It is the saddest because the person who told her that, her husband, was also the man I love.

– verb (used with object) 

• to get something desired, esp. as a result of one's efforts
• to acquire as an increase or addition
• to obtain as a profit
• to win in competition
• to win someone to one's own side or point of view
• to reach, esp. by effort

Amanda told me that one time, how she thought that decision of mine was a big mistake. Perhaps she knew how my mind worked more than I do. Perhaps she just knew me. That I would be standing at this question mark, all my life. Perhaps she even hoped that someday I would have the guts to bring it out to the open, hoping that I would have grown in strength to do such a thing, knowing I never did before.

I’ve fumbled through life enough. Been over-indulgent when I shouldn’t have been. Been over-compensating when there was nothing to make amends for in the first instance. Been collecting dust bunnies when I haven’t an inch of space to spare.

– verb (used without object) 

• to improve; make progress; advance
• to get nearer
• to draw away from or farther ahead of the other contestants

We’ve watched enough movies, read enough books to know that there is a fine line that is drawn between celluloid fantasies and daily realities. We can try as we may to reconcile ourselves with the past, and make peace with the present. But we all know that what is accomplished in months of script writing, years of planning and shooting, and mega-millions of dollars in marketing – does not come to real life even with a thousand positive thoughts and many hours of mental strengthening.

We may think that we’ve made progress – we have seen the pits of hell and licked the devil’s cauldron – everything else is bumps and bruises only. And because we want that peace so badly, we cannot let today be the bad day. We cannot say put off saying ‘tomorrow will be a good day’. And what do we get at the end of that day, if we do that?

– noun 

• profit or advantage.
• an increase or advance.
• gains, profits or winnings.
• acquisition.

“I never thought I’d still be here. And even if there wasn’t the business, or if that one ran its course, I would still be here. Cos each time I see you, there is something to be gained.”

No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in there.

What could have been quite possibly the worst answer anyone can give me in that given situation, has in fact, achieved the opposite effect. In another life, it would have possibly driven me to finishing the 3 bottles of whiskey that sits on our lil make-shift bar – though we all know that would have only been the surface of what I can do, and have done.

Open and exposed and feeling way too much.

But it had to be done. And as you exasperatedly declared - it took me so bloody long to come out and ask, because the result could be so otherwise scary. Knowing there is a fifty percent chance that you would prove to be my haunting of my worst nightmare. Knowing that my old adage holds water - if I stay very silent and very still, I can let it pass me by another cycle of the moon.

Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable.

Everybody uses everybody at some point in their life, be it for financial, spiritual or emotional gains. Some do it intentionally, some do it without knowing. Yet, all achieve the same result – gaining.

The most important thing that I have gained from this insane yet stable adventure is not the mental and emotional growth. It is not reaching a paradigm shift.

I’ve gained back trust in my life. Trust in myself, and trust in someone else.

Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling.

Ponderous Quiet Melting

Alex told Amanda that I am on a melt down. I suppose it is only natural for him to supposed as such, considering it has been a very long time that I have done a Loaded posting.

The last 24 hours has been somewhat topsy-turvy. Try as I may to expel the episode to the deep dark depths of Barbsie Doodle land, it was in nought. At 2 am I was still tossing, turning and channel surfing.

I still cannot conclude which hurt more - the feeling that I was let down (can we say again?) or the feeling that I had to mask it all cos I had absolutely nothing nice to say. The silence, allow me to clarify, was not a display of anger. It was just because I had nothing nice to say.

Like I said yesterday (though it must be noted at this point, allowing the fingers to spew the words out is far easier than digesting and accepting them in my head) - you know me better than anyone else. And my silence said as much to you.

Right now, I shall not think any further about it. You have started to make amends. I give you an A* for effort. And again, with the waters much calmer, I have to find time (not excuses) to sit down and re-evaluate what are my acceptable parameters and how I can best communicate them to you without me flying off the handle.

We can all say we live a life without expectations. But that is furthest from the truth. Not voicing out or acknowledging the existence of some expectations does not equate to having none at all. And as it was said in the movie - Did you hear about the Morgans ~ maybe having expectations is not such a bad thing after all. 

So long as it does not stem from any form of social, cultural, religious and what-have-you-not pressure.

So long as it belongs to you and it belongs to me. 

So long as we say it out loud.

More than 140 text characters

It was a beep I knew would come - sooner or later before the 17th. And Mandy and I have already said - when it happens, I will kill him, and she will sweep up the remains with a vacuum cleaner.

I have had 30 minutes to digest this. And it's not anger that comes to mind. But rather, saying it sadly, it is disappointment. And it's said sadly cos I know myself. When you start disappointing me, there's really not much left to talk about.

And so I'll say it here - I'm really not mad. Cos "getting mad" doesn't go with living without expectations. How you want to read that latter half of the sentence - I really do not have it in me to speculate. You know me well enough to know what my words say and do not say. You know me well enough to decipher and decode. But this really isn't about you and how you read it. But about me and how I read it.

It's really about me - being in this position and thinking to myself - "Who are you trying to kid?! Don't you know I've been lied to by the greatest of all liars, conned and hoodwinked by the biggest wolf in sheep's skin?" Which only tells me one thing and one thing alone. As much as it sounds as if I am yet again making excuses for you, I am not. I am being honest. I do not trust you. I have not yet learn to trust you. And if after all this time, I cannot naturally trust you - I don't know if I ever can.

As for my two best buddies ~ I know you mean well. But seriously - I've read the blog, I've rolled on the floor and I've hugged the bowl. And this is the choice I made. So love me with all my shit and emotional clutter; talk me down, not into a corner. Be for me what I have always promised to be for you - the one who'd sit alongside quietly at the bar when I need you to. No more. No less.

And this is all we're going to say about this. Ever. Kays?


We all know what I am like. One fine day - I will come round to it. But on my own accord.

Ain't It A Good Thing?

Mandy was doing a virtual twirling taunt yesterday morning as she learnt of what's on my playlist. And in the mêlée of a Tuesday-thinking-it-was-a-Monday, I couldn't sweep her tease away.

I think having been through so many dark days and nights, it is a good thing when your BFF proclaims that you're in love. And it's a really good thing considering that it's been a while to be in this state, with the same person.

You make me smile like the sun

Fall out of bed, sing like bird

Dizzy in my head, spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Ohh, you make me smile

So yes Mandy - you get digging rights here without any protest.

Onions

Like an onion, every layer reveals a different taste and texture. I've never thought of myself akin to an onion. But I've been proved wrong. Every once in a while, it is good for the soul to be reminded that people can and will surprise you when you let them. Thank you ... for letting me know nothing escapes you even though it's the most unconventional story we're living.

In and Out

The Bear rung me late last night, whining about how he couldn't feel his feet. One of his resolutions for the year is apparently to spend more time with me, his supposed best buddy.

The Bear has not been mentioned much here off-late simply cos he has been almost non-existent for the better part of the time. It got quite apparent just how far gone the carcinoma of this friendship has taken root when I opened my Christmas gift from him and found it to be a right smack in the face. It was a book that I had read and written a review for sometime last year which was also my 1st review published in our national daily. 

I have a bottle of bath salts sitting in my car that I am to drop off at his place on my way home today - something to ease his poor feet, since the bottle has been laying around my house without being touched.

And that, I shall take as my one and only effort for him for the year. If I am expected to do more, to keep the cancerous cells from spreading, he's gotta put in his two-bits as well. 

Making it a resolution is a start. But seriously, I am quite insulted. While friendship needs work, it really should get to the point you resolve to do it at the start of the year. Furthermore, as with everything else - we all know that 359 days from now, them resolutions are usually never kept.

So while it sound hurtful and hateful, Barbsie is taking it one ear in and the other year out. I can just as easily write it off as a resolution of mine to no longer be hurt or let down by the people I care (or should it be cared) about.

THIS Side Please

Unknown to a lot of folks, I am a brooder. I lie awake most night, twisting and turning, this way and that, turning thoughts, ideas, dreams over and over in my head. When close friends throw me an opinion opportunity, I would mostly likely assume automatically the role of Devil's Advocate.

My last day of last year started with a long conversation with my partner, my sounding board, my cricket; him showing me the picture in his head for the decade that lies in waiting, and me trembling in fear at how he could be setting him (and us) up for plenty moments of failure.

These are grand times ahead of us. Both of us as I step forward to assume a role that I have worked towards all my professional life. As I said in my last posting - it was a dream I dared to dream, but never dared to go after. In my last 3 jobs, it was the "secret" hope that they would come to this bountiful harvest. And with each let down, I pushed that dream a little further away until this one came along.

Even with a mere 273 days left standing in between me and this life-changing moment, I am half-convinced that something, somewhere would creep up out of the ground like a cheeky gofer and trip me over. 

"If you want to change the action, you have to change the thinking" says Zig Zigler in my never-ending calendar for today. And I know this saying is very true.

And so if I were to consciously make a resolution for the year ahead, I guess it would be to choose to stand more often on this side of the fence - the side of positive thought and energy. 

As Paulo Coelho says: When our heart wins the battle against our fears, wonders lie ahead.

And indeed, grand times awaits me. And if ever I forget, my Chief Whip Officer will not hesitate to remind me.

Fractured

It has been a very long time since I felt that I was not worthy to go and stand in church, in the presence of God. For the last 18 months or so, when things have gone so badly wrong, it has been my sanctuary, the only place where I can find peace. Yet, today, when I needed peace most and the silencing of the demons in my head, I did not feel that I had the right to be in the presence of holiness and serenity.

I have been trying to figure it all out in my head the last 24 hours... why my own mother hates me so much that nothing I do or say in her eyes would ever be right. That is the only reason I can assign to her meltdown yesterday where I bore the only bulls-eye target in the house. That my existence must pain her so much, its name must only be HATE.

I admit as much, I have never been the perfect child. Never the brains of the family, I have always been mediocre in my studies. And with my headstrong ways and living an unconventional lifestyle, I must have brought to her a certain amount of shame in front of the relatives as well. In choosing to hold true to my values of a professional life, I have never really made it up the corporate ladder, bringing home only sufficient bacon but never the caviars or the trimmings of a hearty meal.

Perhaps as she looked at me, she is reminded of the child that came after me that she had to abort cos they just couldn't feed the both of us. Perhaps as she looked at me and all my failures, she wished it was me that she had chosen not to keep. That he might have been the perfect child, giving her less worries, bringing her only pride and joy.

Traditionally, by today, the 4th last day of the year, I would have my reflections all scripted out and ready for publishing. Yet this year, even though right up to yesterday has been one of the best years of my existence, I cannot get past this blockade.

The LegalBeagle said over tea that the beginning of a new year is always a good time and a good thing. "People are always hopeful" he said. Right up to yesterday, I would have agreed with him. But not right now.

For what's the point of having hope when the person who gave you life believes that there is no hope for you?

Author's Note - 30th December 2009:
I had wanted to delete this post now that the incident leading up to this is water under the bridge with mum. But to do so would be to deny that these vile (yes, I know they are vile) thoughts never existed in my head. So, this post shall remain as it is. But don't get me wrong - I love my mum and I know she loves me. When we do rub each other the wrong way, it tends to end up so ugly it puts Mafia Wars to shame. I have to admit, when it comes to her, I have a chip on my shoulder. Maybe in time to come, I will get over it ~ Accept and live with it.

Oasis

There's just 3 people in my life who can break me, bring me to my knees. Today 1 of them did so. As the bus trotts back north, I'm trying to forget that everyone else is being warmed this cold night by a Jap dinner and family love. Cos remembering is more painful than the last 2 seasons spent by myself. Perhaps folks remain by themselves cos they know letting people, family in only brings nothing but pain.

48 Hour Limit

No one has thot to ask me why I set a 48 hour time limit with my return trips. 

As much as they say to bring it out in the open is to jinx it, I've learnt it doesn't have to be that extreme. And the plain truth lies not in this city. But it being the duration my mum and I can be in close proximity without ending up in an argument. 

I thot pulling it a few hours would be fine but I've thot wrong. 

No matter how I try, I WILL NEVER be good enough.

Pussy Licking on a Sunday Morning

I recently did something really impolite in the cyber world. I removed a friend (and yes, I have come to consider this person as a friend) without saying so beforehand. 

Back-tracking into the week past, I have come to conclude that perhaps, it was a bit of jumping-the-gun on my part. But then again, when it comes down to having to face with really nasty people, I tend to not want to do battle these days anymore.

I woke up today to an email from said-person, asking "why?" and for the life of me, I could not formulate all my justifications and rationalisation into a proper sentence.

A week has gone by and in all honesty, not a day has gone by that I did not log on and think of my friend. Watching "You've Got Mail" in the midst of this wave of melancholy I have to say - does not help. Cos it is a movie, albeit only a decade old, set in a different time and space. Such notions can no longer survive in our space - notions of honesty and eloquence.

I chose not to deal with psychopathic dramas and so I chose to run away. And in that process, cost a friendship. I can claim that I'm doing him a favour - so he didn't need to get a guard-dog that is trained to kill or deal with hysterics on the home-front.

But the simple truth is I cannot deal with nasty people anymore these days and would not want any part of them in my life, in any way - even the remotest of all possibilities. But to say that would essentially mean saying in not so many words - choose. And it is not something I would want anyone to have to do. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

So while I am able to find laughter in me this wistful morning with the comments my friends are giving me over this grief, it remains as it is - a spot of bother this season.

Perhaps I should have added "I have missed you my friend". 

Alas, the morning handed me a pussy licking and the damn cat did not just stop there but ran away with it as well. And so it is only said here on the Shooter and not anywhere else.

Oh well. So much for "honesty, trust and integrity". 

Question Not

What a whirlwind the past few days have been. Going home always take a bit of a toil on my sanity - different environment, different roles. Not the adaptive person that I am, it puts me out of my elements, this environment that I have no control over.

But I am glad I made the trip - even if it was for the biggest day of someone I have only met once.

"Why do you have to go early? And why is it your responsibility to make sure your friend eats before the festivities begin?" my mum asked with a hint of wrath. And I know she's not the only with so many questions of "why?" Even our close circle of friends has asked the same.

These are not questions I can answer. Nor are they questions I would choose to answer. I can string together words that might seem justification enough for you. But the truth is - there isn't any.

You never ask why you're there when a friend calls on you. And do forgive me for taking a stand that departs from yours - if you call yourself a friend, a close friend, you do not really wait until the moment you are called upon.

I may not have done much but hearing folks who have known Alex longer than I have exclaim surprise and disbelief when he whipped out his speech from his jacket pocket "He prepared a speech?!" is enough for me. To be sitting there with a drink ready for him to gulp down in a moment's of respite is enough for me. To answer his text in the midst of the dinner, waving the pom-poms in the air and saying "It's all going well. Worry not." is enough for me.

Besides, Alex has done more for me these last 5 months than most folks I call my friends. He stopped mid-way wedding photo shot to call me and let me break down by the side of a road. He welcomed this position of BFF with arms wide open and judged me not once, despite all my moments of insanity and quirkiness. 

So the lil that I think I have done is nothing really.

Sometimes, we do not have to walk to the ends of the earth to make a contribution of sorts. Perhaps if more people realised that, then our world might be easier to live in. Perhaps if more people realised that, life would not always seem like such an uphill climb.