Love & Other Disasters

I apparently look like a panda today. Probably didn't help that I wore a white shirt to work as well - adds to the paleness of it all. And this was all because I decided at a late hour that I should get off my bum and burn some calories. The rush of adrenalin, plus a too-light a dinner kept me awake till 6 am this morning.

A few good things came out of that sleepless nights in the Heights though and they are:

1) No scary monsters. Yups you heard me. I did not lay there with my mind falling over itself. I even calmly drew on the realisation that it was already Thursday and to brace myself for yet another disappointed weekend. THOUGH when that bracing came up - it was more of a "ah - I would not be surprised!"

2) Love & Other Disasters. There's something about satellite telly - they show all these really corny movies in the dead of the night. They definitely have their audience segmentation squared off right. A light-hearted romantic comedy, full of gay people, not only was it a nice dose of walking down the streets of London (with a prolong  scene at Bank Tube Station), it also had a lot of truths.

One of those 'truths' would be that we all have this image in our heads - of perfection, of fantasy, of the un-real. It is more often than not, what we use to over-shadow what we're running away from. In the case of the movie, the lead character, Jacks (girl) decides that she would only be with gay men cos she feels safe from them, and that the chap she has actually fallen for is gay (hot-blooded Argentian gay? An utter waste!!). Just so she cannot really be hurt by them.

When she finds out that assumed-gay-dude is actually straight, she flips as only Brittany Murphy can. Yet she comes to realise that nothing has changed - he is still the same person that he was before. If ever, the only thing that has changed is her own perception, her own 'coming to terms with'.

We all hate confrontations. I know I do. I would cleanly sweep things under the carpet, just so I can avoid a look-me-in-the-eye-and-talk situation. So in truth, the last week of silence (again!) has been a quiet respite for me. Yes, I did wonder just that little bit. But it did followed quickly with a *phew* that's one more day of not-having-to-face-up-to-the-music. And there was that lil hope that email-in-question might have not been read as yet. Though with the choice of words received today, it appears that I would have no such luck...

Well, what's done is done and there can be no avoiding it over dinner on Sunday. As I told Mandy earlier this week when she asked if I got a reply - if I know receiver as I think I do, any answers (good or bad) would never come in the form of an email. He is not that sort of person to take my words, throw it back in my face and leave things as it is. 

Part of me was kinda hoping that the silence was actually an answer, which would then mean it would have been the bad answer. And perhaps deep, deep, deep down, I was hoping for this to be it. Just so that it would be another piece of 'evidence' to say that I didn't know him as I thought I did ~ justification, rationalisation, call it whatever it may be.

So yeah, since there is no avoiding it, I had better sit myself down and really think once and for all, what the hell it is I'm gonna say. Cos these sort of conversations - just not done if it has to be done twice.

Love and all other disasters indeed!

Dark-haired Men and Spanish Guitars

I was warned not to watch this movie ~ "It'll put thoughts in your head" was what the warning said. But being one to never heed the ACHTUNG! sign up ahead - I just had to go and do the opposite on a balmy Sunday night.

Now before the lil boy in the head starts straying off in the wrong direction - I do not have any remote tendencies to fall for dark-haired Spanish men, nor harbour any fantasies of sorts to engage in a daily arrangement of Ménage à trois either.

A short movie (or at least it felt short), I thought it was done in a funny fashion - with a narrator and dialogue lines written in short sentences, no rambling ons what-so-ever. The scenes do take one's breath away and left me wishing I had not booked my flight ticket back from Europe - I could maybe, just maybe, find some way to hop over to Barcelona and find a spanish guitar player performing in a gazebo somewhere on my own.

And that was where the danger sign came in handy. For what the hell would I do in Barcelona all on my own? To be immersed in such beauty and to turn to my left or right , only to find an empty space there, some presence demanding to be filled.

Cristina, on the other hand,
expected something very different out of love.

For some strange reason, my mind kept bringing me back to this snippet of conversation that took place in the wee hours of Friday morn, where a discussion took place on whether he would get along with a colleague of mine who is coming in from Dublin early June. "So long as he's crazy and he likes having a drink, I'm sure I'll like him, even if he's half German!" *Hmmm*

She had reluctantly accepted suffering
as an inevitable component of deep passion,
and was resigned to putting her feelings at risk.

It's all quite fuddy-duddy and I have resolve to conclude that men indeed are from Mars and women from Venus. And tis sad to admit as much cos I have always prided myself on being queued in on the male psyche. Yet, this one chap befuddles me absolutely, totally and thoroughly.

Or maybe it's just another one of my "reluctant acceptance" and needing to find some way of labelling this poor sorry tired excuse.I don't know and can't quite figure it out.

If you asked her what it was

she was gambling her emotions on to win,
she would not have been able to say.

And so Mandy was right - I really shouldn't have watched this movie. Now I'm gonna have to go and bug all my guy friends and ask them if all men were weird or it's just this one!

Loaded as Loaded Can Be

Wow! It most certainly has been a loaded evening, when it was suppose to be a relaxing one. 

Tea @ 33

"When I think of a business idea, and I think it'll make some profits, I'd go for it cos I see the opportunity in it; not the risk," said LB as we sat down to tea before his footy. And it's nothing new this statement of his ~ yes, he tends to repeat himself. But hey, he's a lawyer so we'll excuse him for that.

As my unofficial legal counsel (ah - now you can't say no!), I am most comfortable talking bout my half-frog with him. Maybe cos he presents me with an unbias opinion. Or there is no history to muddle the waters or words.

I get what he says. I just need to wrap my head around this concept of stretching myself beyond my safety levels. 

The Imam and The Pastor

I attended this short showing of the above titled documentary at an Action For Life conference. A Nigerian-based documentary,  it tells the tale of how 2 leaders from separate sides of the city, re-discovered the essence of their faith and came together for a common good.

Surrounded by a roomful of strangers, I really did wondered what I was doing there - apart from the fact that I was a guest of my boss! I mean, what right or reason did I have to be in the presence of people who have gone beyond themselves, by taking up the challenge posed by Mahatma Gandhi years ago ~ Be the Change You Want to See in the World?

I am humbled, by these people (and the Imam and the Pastor too) ~ how they are able to change themselves, engage others, create answers and give hope to humanity. The very same things I am trying to achieve in my own life. 

I cannot help but recall these words that I read recently in Brida by Paulo Coelho: "Judging oneself to be inferior to other people was one of the worst acts of pride, because it was the most destructive way of being different." 

Oh! And let's not forget the words of one of the participants which has stuck with me since she said them, and they are: "There is goodness in all man, even though we might find it hard to believe."

Slumdog Millionaire

I finally sat down to watch this highly-aclaimed movie. It's been sitting there on my DVD rack since the begining of the month, but I did not want to watch it - simply cos everyone was talking about it. Plus the reviews of it being a "hopeful tale" didn't quite sit with me. 

I like the way the story unfolded and weaved within itself. I am really not surprised it won the Oscar for Best Screenplay, having watched all the other nominated movies. 

But far from being impressed with its success, or how it captured the life of a poor boy in one of the two largest populated countries in the world - I am taken rather by how life's lessons imprints itself into your memory. Which was how the lead character managed to win the prize money.

Half-past midnight

It's raining now, and I have just put to rest the dilemma of the bug in my head. While I really should be going to bed, my mind needs to unravel itself first before I can find rest. And I need to find rest, trust me. But I have yet to find the connecting points on these 3 events that have taken place this evening. I know there is a lesson to be learnt, what it is precisely ~ I haven't figured it out.

I know what the main themes are ~ they sure are floating right in front of my eyes. But what is the correlation between 1) going beyond my personal boundaries, 2) forgiveness, trust and dependency, and 3) using life's experiences lead you forwards? (No, don't say the answer's in the song!)

Which is why this posting is called as it is: Loaded as loaded can be. Cos when Barbsie is feeling befuddled, she is wound up the tightest. And frankly, this coil is already so tight - pull it any tighter, it's not gonna just snap but break into a gazillion pieces.

So if you think you know the answer(s) to the above, be a good soul and shed some light. I really can't think anymore tonight. Not even for Clarkson.

Lions and Lambs

I updated in my Facebook status bar that I've got a bee in my bonnet and I had better do something about it. And I also told the LegalBeagle that I miss having a great big shouting match.

I am thinking, maybe I should make a list ~ but then again, it would only go the same way as all other lists have gone - stashed in some folder somewhere, hidden but not forgotten.

And then I was thinking, maybe I could write a note instead, and find a suitable reason to send it off.

Which ultimately led me to thinking: WTF?! Why the hell do I need to do all these things when I should just do what I want to do, say what I want to say, without fear of the outcome!

And WHY am I wondering what would happen if I just disappeared?! WHY am I going down that road again?!

Maybe it's the 4 days devoid of human contact and company that's gotten me into this state. 

Maybe I let my expectations get out of hand.

Or maybe, just maybe, he's just a sick masochistic lion and I'm just the stupid lamb.

Moofies

I have a horrendously bad habit of buying DVDs and hoarding them. Yes - hoarding them. The number of movies that were released in the last 2 years that have been sitting on my tv rack is just shameful. And so I decided to put this holiday season to good use by going on a movie marathon. Here's a quick run thru on what's been keeping glued on my blob-tube:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. 

How else would we know how important they are to us? 

I have to say: I have not seen Brad Pitt in a movie in a very long time. And I'm glad that this one did not disappoint. A boy who was born old, and the world thru his eyes. It is one of those things where we can never imagine happening to us, or anyone we know. Yet, if we ponder on the stories within the movie ~ hey, LIFE happens to everyone whether you're born old or the right size and age.

The Women

This one has almost an women cast. In fact, I cannot recall seeing any male actors in it. And when it's a story about all women, you don't need a brain to tell you that it's gonna be about (in the following order) Friendship, Cheating Husbands, Parenting, Fashion. And oh - a friend who "works best under the desk." For all my girlfriends who have just transitioned to a different phase of life - you're welcome to borrow this DVD. In fact, you HAVE to watch this. I would not be your friend if I didn't show this one down your throats.

Mamma Mia

I have always loved musicals, but having watched Mamma Mia when I was last in London, I wasn't too keen on watching its screen adaptation. Plus, I had a benchmark to measure it by ~ Across the Universe which features songs from the Beatles. Add to that a cd containing metal cover versions of great ABBA hits. Anyhows, the afternoon just needed something with music in it and I'm glad it was this one. It is by far one of the best movies I have ever seen Meryl Streep in. Add to it Colin Firth *droll* And, even tho "The Winner Takes It All" has always made my heart drop a metre of so, watching it brought tears to my eyes. They definitely had a dream, and the song to sing!

Revolutionary Road

When you reach a certain age, you're expected to have accomplished certain things. When you move in certain circles, you're expected to go along with certain opinions. What happens when these certainties do not fall in line with yours? What do you do? 

A thought-provoking movie, I would not recommend it for those who watch movies with their minds turned off. It would be great for you who do, as therapy for insomnia. But if you're like me - where movies make you think in a different dimension, or remind you of your perspectives ~ this is one not to be missed.

Hopeless emptiness. Now you've said it. 

Plenty of people are onto the emptiness, 

but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness.  

Seven Pounds

For the last month or so, everyday on my way to work, I'd come up to this digital screen showing the trailer of this latest Will Smith. So when my DVD lady had it, I had to buy it. And no regrets indeed.

Since watching Twilight, I have pondered on this: To what extent would you give up your life for the one you love? And Seven Pounds will reveal the ultimate length. And that was what I got from the movie, not so much the "atonement" factor.

Why me? 

Because you're a good man. 

Even when you don't know someone's watching. 

I have about another 8 or so to go, but I think I'll give it a rest and stop at that. While some of the moofies I have watched have been nothing but pure entertainment. I reckon I should let a couple of them sit for a bit.

Afterall, one popcorn too many does indeed spoil your dinner.

And yes, it was indeed a coincidence - a great one - that more than one movie's character had the same name that stars with a "B" and ends with an "N". TRUST ME - it was really a coincidence!

Talking to the Hand

I have just watched the movie Twilight. And trust me – it is not a moofy you wanna watch by yourself, on the day when it is suppose to be your day.

*Argh*

I have tried cooking. I have tried snapping at people in checkout lines who take one plastic bag too many. I have tried taking on more projects than I can manage right now.

I need to rant and I need to rant it to his face! And for once, I really shouldn't care that his plate(s) are over-flowing and he's already up to his neck trying to clear things off it.

*Argh*

We all know that's not what I have / would / going to do. Which is why I am here - talking to the loaded hand (excuse the pun boys!)

I’ll go thru this curve and right now it’s pitting. And I hate the pits. The worse times are when it curves downwards and I sit in the pit, waiting for the curve to pitch upwards again. What's a few measly days when the only way is up right?

*Argh*

What a conundrum it is when you’ve painted a picture of this ultra-sensible person who knows which priority to stick to!

*Sigh*

You're like a drug to me. 

Like my own personal brand of heroine.

I hate being addicted!

 

The Christmas Feel-good Moofie

"If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspision love actually is all around."

If there's one movie you have to watch this season - make it an old one. Go back to 2003 and pick out Love Actually.

Despite it's chick-flick title, it's one that even the blokes will love. Simply cos it's British and it's got the word "Bug'er" and "Wanker" and "Fuc' it!" most every five minutes.

So go on - catch it if you can.

If all else fails - there's Denise Richards at the very end!

Sex in the City

I decided yesterday that after missing 3 cars on the road, due to my own neglect, nothing could really go wrong with the day. No – I didn’t see no peeky-pok-cutes in the trees enroute to Banting (which is past the airport by the way). And so it was a day of almost kicking back and taking it easy.

~**~

Did my 1st proper enquiries session and 3 hours later, with aching feet - I’m glad to report that Barbsie is back in the saddle again. It wasn’t all that stressful as the kids I met yesterday are all scholars, bound for Ireland as it is. And so, it was more of telling the kids what to go out and expect. Some of them were focused and all out there. But some were well and truly lost. And I couldn’t help thinking that this is the crème de la crème!

I knew I was in like Flint with the group cos they kept asking if I had an email address they could write me at, or if they could have my business card. AND the funniest bit would have to be how most of them looked at our company name and jumped to the conclusion that I was the unis’ rep FROM Ireland! *lol* When I said I was from JB, Johor – their jaws dropped. I dunno what was so “Irish” about me but they kept going on that I didn’t speak like a Malaysian. *lol*

~**~

I finally watched Sex in the City – The moofey on DVD.

A fictional tale of 4 women, each successful in their own right, living up the high lives in New York City.

I’ve never been a fan of the series – can’t really remember ever sitting thru one full episode either ~ I’m quite the loyalist when it comes to being a series-addict. There’s only so much space for one female character and it’s been Meredith Grey all this while. Yet last night I watched the whole movie version of it mesmorised.

I can more or less identify why people all over the world, for a great many years, stayed glued week after week. Afterall, Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha live the lives that every girl aspires to live – independent, successful, beautiful and confident. Make it all happen in New York and that’s a double whammy. And the icing on that cake would be the friendship and love of good friends.

A sidetrack - New York is one big fascination of mine – the buzz, the lights, and the endless motion. I have been told by Monday who lived and worked there for a year, that it’s not all as great as it’s painted to be. But then again, Monday is the kind of guy who wants more out of life than just slaving away.

Anyways, while the hype on the movie was quite about the fashion, I thoroughly enjoyed the camaraderie the ladies had. I could only wish I had a circle of friends like they do. Though, if I really think about it – I do. We might not hang out everyday like these ladies do, but they are there.

~**~

I have been thinking a lot lately about my circle of friends and I realize that I have been too hard on them as well. I’ve not been adaptive enough or humble enough. And if I allowed them, they will surprise me in their own way.

But anyways, tonight – I’ll be having my own sex in the city (shame on you if you’re thinking of something else that involves creaking bed springs!!!) Tonight, we will form a circle at a table somewhere, to usher in a new year for one of us.

Cos that’s what friends do – they sit with you at the curbside when your world falls down, they dish out advice to you, saying the things you don’t wanna hear cos if they don’t, no one else will, and they come together to toast the day that you were born. For without it – you wouldn’t be here today to share a laugh, a tear, a cuppa teh tarik and some recipes with.

So here's an early toast - Happy birthday GarlicBoy! May this year bring you the things that you seek! *Ahem* AND lotsa sex in THIS city *grin* Have a good one Ballz!

Possibilities

How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman
whom he kept at a distance
so that when she was gone, he would not miss her.
Only then does he realize that wanting part of her,
and not all of her, had hurt them both and
how he cannot justify his actions
except that... well... it was life.

Those are possibly the saddest lines that I will come across this whole week...

Lessons..

They say that men and women are wired differently.. but it was something that I never thought was true.. UNTIL I was watched Shopgirl last night.

It was the bit of the morning after Steve Martin shags Claire Danes.

And he goes, "I wasn't really looking for anything permanent right now. Though I really liked seeing you. I'm just traveling so much right now. But I thought maybe we should just...keep our options open." He further stresses that it's a "We're not dating only shagging" basis by asking her - Do you understand?, to which she replies "I do."


Now that would be something that is pretty normal by our standards.. well, maybe not so normal cos people don't make "speeches" anymore... but it's the next scene that really had me laughing.


He, being the chappie that he is, goes and visits his shrink. She, being the young girl, goes and have lunch with her friends. And the 'speech' is recounted, in the following fashion

He to his shrink

He: I told her there was no possibility that this was a long-term relationship. She's.. you know, she's really too young for me.
His shrink: But you wanted to sleep with her.
He: Oh yeah. And I said that even if I know that this is not long-term, I still want to see her.
His shrink: And she understood?
He: Oh yeah.

He: ..I actuallty said that I like to sleep with her when I'm in town.

He: ..That it's a sexual relationship....we still should be able to meet other people.

His shrink: So you were really clear with her that this relationship has no future?
He: Absolutely.

She to her friends

Her friends: Yes, Mirabelle, the fourth floor. How do things go with the glove man? Oh yeah! Tell us all about it! Spill it ! You like him ? Does he like you ?
She: What.. He said he was surprised he was interested in me. He said he wants to give it a try.

She: He said he wants to cut down on his traveling..

She: …he might..you know, stop traveling-- completely.. ..and then we'd decide what to do it at that point.

Her friends: So he was really talking it with you?
She: Yeah, it seemed like it.

And I've been thinking to myself since the show ended.. are we really like that? Do some of us modify what we hear just so that we have something, someone to anchor to in life? Are anchors really that important?

Oh, I'm sure I'm guilty of the occassional getting carried away.. but after a while, you should gain perspective of it and grab a hold on reality again, right?

I shudder to think that it maybe possible that one fine day, I will be as clouded as Mirabelle Buttersfield, and exist in a paralel world all by myself.

Let this blog be then a reminder .. of the things that should never happen... to me.

My chick flick

I raided the DVD shop today and for once, I picked up a couple of romantic comedies.

Frankly, I do enjoy them. Just that in the recent dark and twisty mode, I have stayed away from them. So today, in the name of self-indulgence, I picked up The Holiday and Music and Lyrics.

Just finished watching The Holiday. And I must say that while the movie has 4 main characters (Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and Jack Black), it was really more on

1. the budding romance between Cameron Diaz and Jude Law, and
2. the relationship between Kate Winslet and an old man played by Eli Wallach.
   

Jack Black.. kinda did not quite fit in.

Nonetheless, it is what it is - a romantic comedy, which always bring the feel good factor. It's a definite winner by my books simply cos:

• Jude Law IS the original McDreamy. So move over Patrick Dempsey. Except when Patrick Dempsey is in a white-based buttoned down cotton shirt with stripes.
• Half the movie was shot in Godalming, Surrey. That's not too far away from where I spent my year in the UK.
• It has a few nice songs and a few good lines.

So yeah. It is a good Labour Day and the movie choice was a splendid ending to it.

Lovely. Simply lovely.

It sounds corny, I know. I love corny.