Degrees of Belief

I am stressed. You'd only have to take a look at the skin on my arms to know the degree at which I am stricken with anxiety. And the race has not even officially begun. Yet, I am already having sneezing fits from hay fever, interrupted sleep plagued by all sorts of nonsensical dream (tho' a reoccurring one of me having problems with home renovation is nice to have!) and the endless glum that something - anything - can and will go wrong.

I know my folks and friends will say - just go through the motions, everything is already there for the receiving. Yet, I cannot help but worry and doubt and fear.

Our resident priest writes a weekly thingy in the church's bulletin. And his this week was one that made me almost one to cry. As he writes about the fears that grips our souls, he also confesses that at age 80+ and wheel-chair dependent, his greatest fear is of falling - finding himself on the cold cement floor of the bathroom or at the end of the corridor where no one can hear him call for help.

And I look at Father Voile. And then I look at my folks who live off whatever small fruits that God bestows on them. And then I look at the pages I read - of Troy and Tara, of Gwenn and most recently of Gwenn's mother, and I hang my head in shame. For their fears are so much more real than mine - which I do admit to a certain degree, stems from my lil maggot in the head.

We all have different degrees of belief. I can only pray that as I journey along, with the support from both Heaven and earth, the depths of mine will only grow deeper.

Turn of a Dime

It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting at my desk, in my cubby-hole in the sky, listening to the kids argue about what cartoon they want to watch.

It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting at my desk, knowing I must spend the next few hours, plowing through a pile of reports sent through by Enterprise Ireland, building my case why the business funding can be cut, but not at the levels I have read.

It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting at my desk, trying very hard not to remember that some 10,888 miles away, people are suffering at a depth that I have found so hard to comprehend.

Our generation are no strangers to news of natural disasters, heart-breaking calamities. The first thing most of us do when we wake up in the morning (if we have the luxury of time) is to turn on the global news network and our computer, to see what's happened in the world while we slept soundly in our beds.

When the Tsumnami struck in the Asian region years ago, many of us stayed glued to our tellys, watching re-runs of people getting swept away, home-movie makers screaming as they filmed these moments of life OR death, joining queues of people packing aid items much needed.

I'd be very honest with you and admit that prior to the last week, Haiti was a blur thing in my knowledge vault. It still is. All I know about it is what I have read on CNN, BBC and Wikipedia. We have poor countries here in our region as well. Philippines, India, China and its shanty towns. So really, Haiti would be no different.

Yet it is. It feels vastly different to me.

And while I know I should not question why God has allowed such a stroke of pain to befall an already sad country and her people, I find myself nonetheless asking "Where is God is all this?"

As I read the blogs of individuals who have chosen to dedicate some part of their lives and skills to the people of Haiti, even before the earthquake struck, I am hoping I'd find the answer to my question (before I march up to my parish priest tomorrow morning, that is and ask him in his face). As it is, it is a strange sensation - as a blogger - to read of a seemingly normal life in a foreign country, and to have days of silence in between and a fresh posting telling of the destruction and loss. But I will continue to plow through these silent thoughts of these individuals, feeling the pain in the words they have chosen.

Perhaps through it all, I will find some sense in this madness. Sense that will ease my ever-growing feeling of helplessness and selfishness. And hopefully, my faith will be restored and be used for the glory of the Almighty.

As one blogger's moment of irony says: Avec Jesus Tout Va Bien ~ with Jesus everything is going to be alright.

At the end of the day, when we can do nothing more or nothing at all, perhaps the best thing we have left are the very words of our Lord ~ Into Your Hands, I commend my spirit.

Follow the situation as they unfold from those who had chosen to devote their lives in a way you and I can never do:

http://www.mangine.org/

http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/

Life can change at the turn of a dime. Let us do well to remember that.

A Dark Day Passing for Malaysia

When I started the day with a status tweet of “Barbs is looking out at the sky and feeling dreadful, simply dreadful” little did I think how far that statement would go as this 8^th day of the New Year unfolds.

There has been recent uproar in the country, over prohibition of certain quarters of the community on a certain word of the Malay language. Something that should never have started, escalated over the course of the day to a near boiling point, fueled (pardon the pun) of course by both tunnel vision and a lack of vision.

Being a Christian (and a Catholic for that matter), of course it angers me that my house of worship, my sanctuary was violated (Yes, I’m an Assumption parishioner). It angers me that my dear Father Voile, in his state of immobility could have been hurt if the attack had really worked. It angers me that there are folks – individuals who could be neighbours, friends, dudes from the next table at the mamak, audacious enough to think that my faith would be weakened, threatened by a few bottles of petrol.

But most of all, it angers me that both parties had allowed this to come to head as it did over the course of time.

The first – the powers-who-be at the helm of the publication Herald. Fine and well that they are transcending beyond the lines of religion and playing their part in racial unity by wanting to bring the word(s) of God closer (in a communication context) with the insistent usage of a “sacred” word. But I think that entire nobility behind the idea lost its steam when its insistence made it way to the corridors of law. That, my friend, to me stinks of nothing but ‘personal assertion’ and egotism.

Mind you, these are learned men (even if they are men of the cloth – do you know how many PhD holders there are in the realm of the Church??!!) and so they must know that the sociological impact of such a move. It would be shameful if they wake up tomorrow and read the papers then go “Oh I didn’t know that bit.. hmmmm…. What should I do now?”

The second – the powers-that-be in the running of this country. Fine and well that by virtue of majority, we are a Muslim country. Yet, if we prided ourselves extensively on the fact that we are a multi-racial society, then the issue of language falls out of the scope of religion and comes under that multi-racial unity bit. If this were not true, then why did we then in the 80s (or was it the 90s) change the naming of the language from Bahasa Melayu to Bahasa Malaysia, just so that citizens not of the Malay race would feel encouraged to use the language more extensively?

Add to that beef, people in office should bear in mind that everything they say and do, reflects on the running of the office, the country. Having individuals come out with nerve-jarring statements – did you really pick the right person for the job there?

The papers have termed this as a dark day for the country, for the nation. They have categorized these acts of violence and violations as taking a step back from progress and development. And I agree. People – we’re no longer in the deep dark ages. Education is now compulsory up to a reasonable level. It may not be a great one, but being able to read and write does bring one a big step further than being held at ransom at what others tell you. Attacking one Christian place of worship every 4 hours is not gonna get you anywhere – not when there are over 3000 denominations of Christianity in the world. (At this point, I must applaud the perpetrators for being impartial and not just targeting one denomination. Thanks for spreading the luv mates!) It is nothing but a simple act of cowardice and puts your learning (regardless of the level you stopped) to shame.

Christianity is no longer a repressed religion. Hell – the Catholic Church has our own state for crying out loud – what more advancement can we ask for? Heaven on earth? God playing a round of golf with you on Sunday morning? And honestly, if you know your Holy Book well, you would know that the Old Testament speaks of a race being oppressed. Their religion was not the cause of that oppression. So don’t turn this into a song and dance about our basic rights being repressed in our country.

As my long, Long, LONG day ends and an even longer month begin, I hang my head in shame. Not because of who runs my country. Nor is it because of who leads the order of my faith.

I hang my head in shame for the loss of rationale and humility in my community.

I hang my head in shame for the loss of solidarity among friends, among neighbours.

I hang my head in shame for the emptiness of words that I should hold in high esteem from persons whose office I respect (I may not respect them but hey, it’s the chair that matters.)

But most importantly, I hang my head in shame at the flagrant breakage of the commandment – Thou Shall Not Use the Name of the God in vain.

I don’t know about you. But I for one know that I have solid reason to ask for forgiveness from Abba / God / Tian-zhu / Allah as I stand contrite for letting emotions of fear and anger overshadow my fear of His commandments.

And I will take comfort in knowing that regardless of what I call Him, God listens to the language of the heart and the soul. And that He will overlook the bout of temporary insanity and know in our heart of hearts, He is all that matters.

With that, sleep tight Malaysia. The dark day has come to an end. Tomorrow is yet to be written. And it's all in our own hands, how we want it to end. 

Count Your Blessings

We should always make a list of our blessings so that it reminds us that at the end of the day - there's always a silver lining to every cloud. So here goes, mine for the days:

1) Having a really good conversation with my higher authority at 5 where He 'smacked' me on the head and literally said - 'Quit whining, I hear ya already!'

2) Having my bff reassure me (inadvertently) that she is my bff for a reason ~ yes, Mandy figured it all out what is this 'hell' I'm in right now. It's quite an incredible feeling, to know that there is someone out there, close to you, who can read you like an open book, even though you've completely shut down.

3) Doing a solid day of work and getting majority of the bits completed even though deadline is a week away. This is a huge improvement considering I've been like Facebooking 8 hours straight for the last 2 weeks or so.

4) Managing to complete a 2-mile run and doing the distant of another 1 mile on the stepper machine ~ big pat on back, especially today I find out that a few years ago, some of my friends actually was shocked I had 'let myself go' physically and did not say a word to me *hrumph* Well, with the grand plan to go back to 5 hours of yoga a week, this is a good head start. Target goal - trousers have got to start falling off again (which means the 3rd trip to the alteration tailor) and the weighing scale to read 55 kg.

5) Getting that notification that I am one of three winners for this blog contest organised weekly by a certain bookshop. This one is utterly blowing me away cos it was written a long time ago and written for the Shooter. To think that the Shooter's words came be deemed as "a lovely piece" ~ *ah* heaven!

As Paulo Coelho wrote on his blog: Each and every morning brings a hidden blessing, a blessing that is only good for that particular day, for it cannot be kept or re-used. If we don't take advantage of this miracle today, it will be lost.

So yes, while there is still this nagging thought at the back of my mind that goes "why isn't the phone beeping?" or "why is there no reply?", it is not driving me crazy-up-the-wall or to my freezer where a full bottle of vodka lie sleeping.

I'm a work-in-progress but for once I am conscious of it and I am not pushing that self-destruct button.

With that, though we're only entitled to one blessing each morning, I had 5 miracles that followed.

Clarity of Moments

I have come to realize that the world is made up of all sorts of different folks.

I may be the sort of person who would go out of my way to help a stranger, bring medicine for a friend, drive across town to sit with my best friend, and take on more than my plate can handle just because I do not wish to be seen as a letdown.

But not all folks are like me.

There are those, who are afraid of being there in the moment, and hence they shun the situation and come back only when things are cut and dried.

There are those, who have been in the moment, and have embraced what pain is. Hence, they have no fear about doing it again, if they had to.

And there are many other types – the two above being what I deem to be extreme cases. But people move across the spectrum, depending on what they are comfortable with.

What I may be, what my preferences are, I cannot deign to impose it on others. And hence, I cannot be seen to be feeling letdown by the points of the spectrum that they have chosen to take up residence.

I feel that in the turmoil of the last few weeks, I have lost sight of what wisdom I have had the good fortune to acquire, what knowledge I had been able to transform. And with that, my ability to accept people as they are, without questions, without needing to know the answers, without accepting that I may not know, but out there, perhaps in another fabric of time, someone knows and that is good enough.

I know I can get back to that place – of peace and serenity. Of acceptance and adventure. But in order to do that, I have to surrender once again to a higher will, authority and being. Perhaps in my arrogance, I have taken back what I had relinquished and thus have to suffer the consequences of my actions – said and unsaid.

I had wanted earlier today, to write that once I was loved. That once I had people to call my people. But those are not true. I could choose to hold on to those thoughts and continue my dark nights. Or I could vanquish my demons and remove them from my dreams through my own discipline of mind.

I believe I still have my people. I believe I still am loved. Perhaps not in the context or degree that I hold as an impression in my mind’s eye. Perhaps that is why it is also said – give people enough room, space and opportunity and they will surprise you.

I shall go back to spending my evenings in the only sanctuary I know where solace prevails, where arms unseen enfolds me in a warm and comforting embrace, where my tears being words unformed are read and understood. It is by far better than coming back to an empty house and letting the devil get into the details.

It may be a dark week ahead, one that I have to continue to walk. But if I allow it, it will be an adventure that will surprise me in the end.

Bring it on - I'm ready.

Moses of Two

I would not say that I am a deeply religious person. I believe in what I was taught to believe in and yes, I do know where my anchor lies. Bibble-trotting and verse-spewing, I am not, together with messing up which commandment is what number.

But I do believe that everyone was created for specific purpose(s) and it could be as brief as 10 seconds (pushing someone out of the way of a moving bus) or going on as long as days, weeks and months (holding a friend's hand thru a rough patch.)

But that's not my point. My point is: I am not a deeply religious person. And so why some people think I would bring some form of intellectual perspective to the statement "Heaven and Hell is not a separate place or time but is actually our time on earth. How can I make more people realise that the 'future' is right here, now in their hands and so they should live their lives by God's Way and be in heaven already?" befuddles me.

After 3 hours of head-tail-debate, I said in resignation that perhaps he didn't have to find some river somewhere to part like the Red Sea, but merely keep the people he thinks fits into his category above and simply pray for them.

Cos in all honesty, we have had many stimulating discussions and debates in the past. But that one there - made me simply want to wring his neck.

Maybe I should take a page out of my own book and simply just pray for Boy-who-might-now-change-his-name-to-Moses: pray that he stops fighting it or putting too much thought into every as divine, and to simply just go with the flow.

Yes, I think I shall do just that. Me can't talky no more.

State of Grace

I sat in church this morning in front of a child, having some kind of developmental challenge.

All thru service, she giggled and proceeded to laugh aloud to herself, yelling "Yeay!" as well over and over again. It was most distracting and even though I kinda realised after a while that she was mentally challenged, I still couldn't help but cast some accussing glances at her mother's way.

It has bothered me all thru the day, if what I did was right, and if there were some form of middle ground in places of worship, etc where these "disturbances" could be minimised. My initial thought of a special room did not grow beyond that - I have no right to ostracise God's child. And so I was back at square one.

Until someone highlighted to me, that if I were truly in a state of grace, deep in my communique with God, the distracting noise would have faded away on its own.

*Hmmmm* makes a whole lot of sense, which also makes me feel that wee bit 'tall'... shameful person that I am.

Q&A

I put in my Facebook, a status of ponderous this morning. And as the sun set over the city skyline, that could not be further from the truth. For today, I helped a friend bury his younger sister, and afterwards shared the joy of another friend in welcoming her 1st niece.

The LegalBeagle asked when I told him of this two conflicting events happening in my world in the span of one day: "Can't you have an ordinary boring life like the rest of us?" My reply is that I wished I could cos Lord knows how I cannot get a grip on the amount of empathy that flows from me.

I didn't have to be there for the first. I had already paid my respects. Yet, something in me felt compelled this morning as I woke up, to ring the church, get the priest to go by, and then taking time off myself to attend the cremation of a total stranger. Walking the round of respect, holding up his girlfriend as grief overcame her. Steeling my heart against the wails of a mother as she watched her child gets taken away (trust me on this one - you do not want this to happen, even to the worst of your enemies!). 

Why? Why did I get myself involved in such a close way? Brie is not exactly the closest of my friends. And the family are virtual strangers. Could it be that cos the saying for today on my never-ending calendar says that "Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness"?

And in the aftermath of death, comes the news of birth. A pretty lil girl, a first born, a child who is born to live out every dream that she can think up. Though not much was said on this news, I can picture the smiles on the grandparents' faces as I was there when this lil girl's cousin came into the world. 

I suppose this happens, every second, every minute, all around the world. Yet for it to take place, in the span of 12 hours, in my world - it goes beyond irony.

I asked Ben to give me perspective on it. Cos as I drove home, all I could think of was "Where's the balance?"  Two households in the valley has two empty beds tonight. One awaits the return of its owner and a newcomer to the family. The other will remain forever empty. Two sets of parents. One beaming at their child, the other sent off their child to eternity. Where is the fairness in life?

LB says it's just a day I need to get thru, without understanding why or needing perspective on it.

I would like to think that there is always a reason for things to happen, and that there's a lesson in it for me to become aware to, and learn from. Not to say I'm reaping from the sorrows of others, or stealing the joys of some. But for these two contrasting events to happen in my two bit wee small world on the same day ~ it's as close as the spirit smacking me on the back of my head.

Ben says I really shouldn't ask why, that it's all been pathed out. The stories are unfolding, one page at a time and that Brie's family is merely unfolding some very sad pages but not for long. And that we should all be grateful for all blessings.

To every thing there is a season, 

and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; 

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; 

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; 

A time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; 

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; 

A time of war, and a time of peace.

I guess there is truth and wisdom in the perspectives of both LB and Ben: It's one of those things that have been written, but unseen to the human eye. And I can only take it as it is as try as I may, I may never understand the timing of things. It is not my place to ask why, what more demand for an answer to it. If anything else, it only goes to further prove that there is a God somewhere out there. And it is to HIS will, not ours that things happen.

To Love

This post is inspired by the book Brida by Paulo Coelho as well as 1 Corinthians Chapter 13. In the ever great search of answers, as to why I do the things I do, feel the things I feel, put up with the things that I put up with: maybe the answer will come to us in this. And if it doesn't ~ does it really matter?

We all sing the songs that speak of love and devotion, of endless sacrifices, waiting on street corners in the rain, just to find love. While these songs may teach us a thing or two about this greatest of emotions, it does not always say that this emotion helps you understand and learn. 

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,

But do not have love,

I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 

If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge;

And if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains,

But do not have love, I am nothing. 

And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, 

And if I surrender my body to be burned,

But do not have love, it profits me nothing. 

They say love allows you to understand all the mysteries of life and the universe. Things which seem stupid to others, you see the wisdom within ... and without. And you understand that to love, is to give wholly as each of these act stated above requires ~ without expecting anything in return.

Love is patient;

Love is kind and is not jealous;

Love does not brag and is not arrogant, 

Does not act unbecomingly;

It does not seek its own, is not provoked,

Does not take into account a wrong suffered,

Does not rejoice in unrighteousness,

But rejoices with the truth; 

Bears all things, believes all things,

Hopes all things, endures all things. 

Virtues, virtues, virtues. Nothing but virtues that only saints can comprehend and achieve in one lifetime. So then, what hope can a mere mortal have of reaching the heights of the saints?

There surely must be a way we can meet all these requirements, at least once in our lifetime? For is it not each person’s destiny to live life to its fullest, and that includes giving and experiencing love in all its glory?

Again, by using “experiencing” and not “receiving” which goes synonymously with “giving”, why is it then so difficult to most to accept that love, again, is unconditional – to give without expecting in return.

Love never fails;

But if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away;

If there are tongues, they will cease;

If there is knowledge, it will be done away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 

But when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child,

Think like a child, reason like a child;

When I became a man, I did away with childish things. 

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face;

Now I know in part,

But then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

Many may think that to love one’s self is to give the best for one’s self ~ I beg to differ. For to love myself, would be to understand my own self, my reason(s) for living and daring to go on, day after day, for those same reasons, accepting with this commitment the fear of pain, loss and separation. And if I can accept myself, then these same elements of fear would not be the emotions that kill me.

But if I cannot accept myself and my commitment, these elements of fear would be the ones to make me stop living. Do we allow the disappointments in life, which brings these wild horses of emotions to reign supreme, renouncing all that we know is of most importance: that of giving and experiencing?

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three;

But the greatest of these is love.

In Brida, it was said: 

It (faith) only existed because she believed in it. Miracles couldn’t be explained either, but they existed for those who believe in them. Faith is a Dark Night. And that’s hardly a surprise really, because for us each day is a dark night. None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, and yet still we go forwards. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.

The Bible says of Faith, Hope and Love - the greatest of these is LOVE.

And it is indeed the greatest of all because it brings us back to being the closest we could ever be with the intent of our creation: For God created us in his Likeness, and the most supreme virtue of being God is His great capacity to Love.

 

Dark Skies

The more I read (or google to be more exact), the more depressing it seems. 

And I'm helpless to do anything! And it's not in my nature to NOT DO anything!!!

In a way, I'm glad our local newspapers is doing the ostrich-with-head-in-sand bit by not providing full-reporting. But it doesn't keep away the awful fact that dark clouds have indeed rolled in and is looming large on the horizon.

The way I look at it, my options are far and few. And by far, the best todate is head to a place of santuary and go on my knees and pray.

It's worked before. It should work.. again.

*Shush* Silence Please

I have been spending a fair amount of time in church off-late and the experiences have been mostly one of obtaining serenity. However, on a number of occasions, it has also been on that is most trying on one's patience. Sunday was no exception, and it left me short of going up to two sets of parents and slapping them squarely across the back of their heads. For they were entirely oblivious to the fact that their rugrats were behaving exactly as the term use: RUGRATS!

Now being a parent of two young-uns, I fully appreciate that it is difficult to get children to sit quietly through anything other than a cartoon or a story-telling session. And that would have to be within the 30 minutes time-frame. But surely, there must be ways where one can make the child understand as to why they should not be playing Ultraman while others are trying to worship.

We have all, at one point or another, come across the lament of "What is society becoming to?" or that "Young people these days have no values." We blame the media, the entertainment industry, the Internet, the schools, etc. We blame everyone but ourselves - the parent. And Sunday's outing in Church is a fine example as to why the adults out to be smacked and sent to the corner, and not the kids.

One of the 6 Pillars of Character Education is none other than RESPECT (alongside Trustworthiness, Responsibility, Fairness, Caring, Citizenship). And the Josephson Institute seeks to use this pillar as a basis in teaching children to:

• Be tolerant of differences
• Use good manners, not bad language
• Be considerate of the feelings of others
• Don’t threaten, hit or hurt anyone
• Deal peacefully with anger, insults and disagreements

I am a firm believer that children are not as ignorant as we make them out to be. Their minds work at actually an amazing speed - explain something to them in ways that they understand, and it goes in forever. Which is probably why most feedback from my friends and family with regards to Lydia and Luke are that they are extremely well-behaved.

I know for a fact that I have not found the secret recipe (or weapon in some cases) to handling my kids. Afterall, I learnt it from someone else. AND it is merely a case of not shoving values down their throats without helping them understand why things should be the way you want them to be.

Alas, not everyone has had the good fortune of citing Early Childhood Educators as their group of friends. So if only they had Character Education for adults. Maybe then the world wouldn’t be in the state that it is. Or at the very least, I wouldn’t have to go around giving strangers dagger looks in church while muttering in my head a vehement *shush*

Which in itself, is meeting the tenets of this pillar of CE.

A Price For Everything

I learnt today that you could earn between RM 3 to 5 grand for every young person you convert to a particular Christian sect.

Needless to say, I'm aghast by the intel. I mean, here we have Christians who are less-than, and there's money to be made in making more of them?! I always knew there's a price for everything and everyone but THIS takes the cake.

Talk about selling your soul to the Devil!

So-not Barbsie

Just sent my brother and dad this text message: "Guess who signed up as a volunteer for Assumption Church's Golden Jubilee Celebration :o)" Ironically, both replies came back with a "ha ha" at the end of it.

Now, don't get them wrong - it's not a laughing matter. It's just funny when you associate Barbsie with Church work. I mean, that was like so 16 years ago!

But nonetheless, it is the truth *grin* Heard it at service on Sunday and for once, I did something about it *lol* (Yes, there have been times when I thought about it but never got down to action).

I guess, with time on my side now, I can indeed go ahead and do stuff like that. Well, at least I'm putting my experiences, knowledge and skillsets to good use, other than watch DVDs. Plus, I'm certain the experience will put for good blogging material *wink*

It's rather nice actually - to do the things that Barbsie doesn't normally do. It's actually making me having the shits and giggles all to myself :o)

Shine

The day has ended. I left the office drained from fighting my ownself.

You, you’re such a bit star to me
You’re everything I wanna be
But you’re stuck in a hole
And I want you to get out
I don’t know what there is to see
But I know it’s time for you to leave
We’re all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out
All your anticipation pulls you down
When you can have it all

But that's all gone now, not cos it's Monday. On the contrary instead.

Stop being so hard on yourself
It’s not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good
And you might want to smile
Don’t let your demons pull you down
Cause you can have it all

I wish I could note down this epiphany, put it in words. All I can say is this - when we speak, and is listened in earnest, we'll get the answers we seek.

So come on, get it on
Don’t know what you’re waiting for
Your time is coming
Don’t be late
See the light on your face
Let it shine!

It's not listening closely. You just have clear ya mind and it'll be so clear in front of you, it'll leave you in a state of awe!

Let me know you
Let me show you
Let me love you
You’re all that matters to me

Shine
Take That

The S-word

I can hardly believe that it’s already Monday morning.Where did the last 48 hours go to? Someone once told me, that as we grow older, and the world shrinks, what we achieve in a year is equivalent to what used to be achieved in three. Looking back at this weekend, it sure feels that the statement is true.

I have been posting a number of short “notes” to my blog in the last few hours. All thanks to this lil tool I downloaded to my phone called Opera Mini. With it, I am able to check to see if I’m a multi-millionaire while waiting for my laundry to dry. With it, I am able to formulate my thoughts in a structured manner and expunge them to a virtual box so they don’t clog up my brain. With it, I am able to immortalize snippets of insights that my kids give me, providing proof that they are my equals in thinking, if not in size.

Overall, it’s been a quiet weekend, doing things around the house though looking at my study room right now – there’s still a tonne more to be done!! I also caved and brought a desktop back from my folks’ place so that I have a proper computer to do stuff off. Like I told Garlic, kick me in the head and call me Byte-Addict.

It’s also a weekend of deep self-reflection. I know, I know… I really shouldn’t be thinking cos I’ve done it way too much already. But it has to be done cos right now, I feel like I have no idea where I am heading, how I’m gonna get past from one day to the next, yet I am to stay on this course and not sway from it.

I came across this blog the other day in the office. It’s by this chap who wrote a book called The Principles. And apparently, if you apply these principles of living, everything would be smooth sailing. And the one principle he keeps coming back to is to “surrendering to a higher power”, which would be God, if you believe in Him.

Now, for someone who lives in black or white, surrender is not a word that exists in my extensive vocabulary. I told Bear and my brother last week that I have been the Rainmaker – I make things happen, I bring order to chaos, I put out the fires that others start. Which is probably why Al has me described as Orchestrator on his blog-link!

I do not go into a task without seeking out all its parameters. I do not play a game unless I understand all the rules. I do not fight a war or join a cause if I am not at least 75% confident of my strategies and tactics. And if I am less than confident, I walk away from it, regardless of the cost or casualty.

How can I then let someone else be my Rainmaker?! It is not a possible thing to accomplish, particular when it asks of me to live in the grey, to put my trust in a plan much bigger than my own and have faith.

But apparently this is the lesson I have to learn at 33 ~ To do more than just say I have faith in God and that He will lead me on to the path He has intended for me. It looks like it’s crunch time between the Man and I – lip-service is no longer sufficient. And in doing so, I must face my greatest personal hurdle – that of living in the grey, not expecting a certain outcome that I have formulated in my head.

I would like very much to believe that at the end of this journey, I will come out a better, more wholesome person. Lord only knows (pun unintended) how scarred and damage I am. I mean, if Mandy can ask me a question like “Are you pro-longing it cos you enjoy the suspense?” something must be seriously wrong with the ME that I AM! Cos this girl has credibility in knowing me, how I work, how I think. (For the record girl – I was not!!)

And so at church yesterday, I prayed, really prayed. Prayed not so much for guidance, but for strength to surrender. There may be things that I want to do this week, but I think currently, my interpretation of how I should be, is to go into these situations with an open-mind.

I have much to learn about living. I feel like I have been asleep. Do you see that? Do you realize that? Cos you should, then maybe you can cut me some slack. Things that are common to you and the person next to you, feels so foreign to me. From talking to someone about what and how I feel, to picking up the phone and dialing, to breathing. All these things are foreign to me even though once upon a time, I probably did do them.

Before I sign off this proper post, I have to say this - don’t be confused as there is difference between this S-word and Hope (lest you think I’m living in denial yet again!). To surrender is to entrust on to someone or something other than myself, without thinking of the end or the outcome. To hope is to believe in the positive end or outcome. One is about the path itself and the other is the destination.

I wrote yesterday before Mass that far from here (which is a song from the season finale of Army Wives that have stuck in my head), is a Barbsie that is an open book, with its ending waiting to be written.

Enjoying and being in the journey - this is the first step.