Stupid Lemon

I'm being an absolute fuck-wit that I would want to slap myself with a trout right now. If I were a character in a book, I'd wanna pull my fucking self out of the pages and just whack my head so hard, the aftermath would make for a good gory read.

As Lorcan rightfully said in his blog: When you make a life-altering, perhaps even emotionally catastrophic mistake, you want to convince yourself you're doing it for the right reasons, whatever they may be. When you realise that you've been fooling yourself all along, to avoid pain or hurt, you slowly start to wonder just how fucking far into denial a person can drive themselves when they really want to.

I am insanely awake at 5 in the morning all because of one stupid line. One stupid line that says "if I never hear from you again after this email, I would understand." Cos NO - I would never fucking understand. I would never understand why I would toss words into the wind and then go assume that everything has been signed, sealed and delivered - WHEN I KNOW BETTER!

Unbelievable. How I get into these awe-inspiring moments which for one awesome second seems so right, but after many hours, just spells my name in bright-Hollywood-Hills-type prints. It reeks so badly of the me I don't want to be!

I am such an emotional fuck-wit that even I would not want to be with my own shadow. I am doing nothing but proving my own lemony self right yet again, and that I would never be able to reconcile myself to.

I'm running away.
I'm leaving this place.
Yeah, I'm running away.
I'm running away.

Over Breakfast

Seeing how I woke up at 5 this morning, I was in the office before 9. Thinking I should sit down, have a proper breakfast and read the papers, I chanced upon my smoking buddy from the 9th Floor - James, waiting for his coffee.

Now James is this dude that does something or other with the International Red Cross. Tall, big - he's like this teddy bear - except that he smokes - which makes him my buddy. Our usual conversations are normally about the weather, the traffic, the weather, our kids and occasionally, international humanitarian efforts and / or disasters.

As he read his portion of the New Straits Times and I read mine, conversation just drifted to why people do the things they do, even when they have no real reason to do so - 9/11, war, etc James cited that his latest pet peeve is this dude who has been on the local telly, justifying why he up and left his wife and 3 kids to marry a younger woman and calling it all in the name of fate.

What James said was this: he could never be like that dude. That while he may not be an outstanding Christian, he does understand what was said when he exchanged vows on his wedding day - for better or worse, till death do them part. And no matter how bad or noisy it gets at home, he would always be grateful for the noise cos with it comes love.

I tried to explain to James that there are people out there, who no matter what age they are at, do not and probably will not understand the meaning of the words "commitment" and "responsibility". That I should know - I've been on the receiving end of such individuals. Needless to say, it left James speechless.

The whole time it took to finish breakfast, I could not help but think that yes, there are men out there who are born, bred and built like James. That they have been there and done all that, and now know what is important and what it keeps to keep things and life going. And apart from James, I know of many other people who have done the same.

I went to Ireland for 2 weeks and came back, and life did not change. Why  one weekend is scaring the living daylights out of me utterly defies even my own twisted logic.

And when scared, I am immobilised. Everything freezes, and history tells us that the only way I get out of it is by doing something terrible or drastic, which I don't want to do - I have been said that I have grown from that - I do not want to regress.

So what do I do? Have a long continuous breakfast perhaps? I don't know and lost. So if you have a much better suggestion - please feel free to bring it on.

Calling Mr President

Where are you when I need you?

So I can tell you that my telly broke down. Then you can tell me that it's only a telly and how I can use the useless hours I have wasted in front of it, watching re-runs of Grey's Anatomy and whatever else it is I watch, to better use - like writing my book or reading more.

So I can tell you that that for 3 nights in a row I keep dreaming of dead people. Then you can tell me that it was only dreams and remind me again how death is a natural part of life, and walk me through yet again how I must always anticipate death as part of my reality.

I am feeling well and truly lost right now. To the point that even if I hear from you, I'd probably leave the message un-read and thus un-answered, the phone to ring until it goes to voice mail.

So I can tell you I've had a fight with my best buddy. Then you can tell me that you've always thought him to be a fair-weathered friend and have said so a thousand times to me. So I can find reason in me to defend him to you yet again, and in that process be reminded of all the goodness in him. 

Days like these, I wish you spent more time reading this page. And I'm asking you cos you're the only one who bothers finding out what's happened to me when you don't hear from me, or when messages and calls goes unanswered. You're the only one who doesn't assume that I've gone underground yet again, or if you do, you deign to find out there and then what's caused me to shut myself off from the world I know and love.

I'm asking you so you can remind me, that by defending those who you think do not deserve it, there is goodness in me too. 

Message in a Bottle

There's this folder on my computer that I have not added to in a long time. And tonight, I added just one more note to it. Looking back, it wasn't a very politely written note but it was my message in a bottle.

It was a very bad day. And despite all logic telling me otherwise, I really couldn't keep it from not becoming a bad day. Which probably accounts for why all respectful decorum went out the window on that note.

"I think she has been through enough in her life and she deserves to be happy, even if it's just a short term solution. I also know that whetever she does now, she will do with some thought and in the course of 'self preservation'."

At the end of the day, someone out there read my lil message, and respite was given. 

The world is not right again and in all honesty, would never really be. But as the Bear said even if it's just a short term solution, I'll take that very, very gratefully for now.

Land mines

Where we advance, retreat, try to remove all the land mines...

I'm in this place today. This place where nobody can reach me. I know. I couldn't find a rock, so I decided to wedge myself into this place instead. It's been a long time since I came back to this place. But you know what, it's comforting.

Just like my smelly blankey is. Or the numbness that creeps up your body as you load it up with one kind of drowsy medication after another. Or the euphoria that sweeps over you as you down one shot of vodka after another.

I must remember today. I must. For to forget it would only bring about my own downfall.

And just when you think you've won the battle,
made the world safe again.

Never again, will another person bring me to my knees and make me seek out that place. Never again, for as long as I shall live. I cannot self-destruct one more time. There would be nothing left to destroy.

Along comes another land mine.

I know I'm being irrational. And I'm probably making you feel frustrated that you can't pull me out. But you know better than to try and do that. That given time, and space, I'll find a reason to come out again. And as for the rest of you - welcome to Wisteria Lane! Hope this makes for good reading. Lord knows how boring I've been lately without my dramas and what-have-you not!

Yes, we all love Barbsie when she's dark and twisted like so. For doesn't it say in Famous Last Words:

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone

Mullance

Someone asked me yesterday “How are things?” and I couldn’t give an honest reply. Simply because. I have to admit, my head was not all there. I blamed it on taking a tumble on a wet surface just after I got home on Monday. I blamed it on the rain, wetting the floor and the lack of space in my bedroom. I blamed it on the bruises that caused me to sleep without rest.

I can blame it on so many things, other than what I ought to blame it on.

In the day, in the night
Say it right - say it all
You either got it or you don't
You either stand or you fall

But this week is not about me. It’s about being there for a Bear who is rather lost at the moment. A Bear who, if he were the drinking type, would be opening bottles of Louis XIII and Patron tequilas (thus making his best buddy here the happiest chic on earth!) A Bear who is as sad as Winnie-the-Pooh when Christopher Robin went off to school.

I wish I knew what I could do or say to make my beary friend feel somewhat better. I would even send FuzyB out on loan, if I thought a goldie would somehow make up for the emptiness he is feeling.

When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking
There's a hole in the plan

I cannot understand why is it that it has to be so hard. This thing we call ‘relationship.’ It really shouldn’t be if there was so much love around. Isn’t love after all a coming together of two like-minded individuals who know that they are better off as half of another, than one of a whole? And if that were the case, then wouldn’t everything else be neglible?

I am not sure if I’d rather be in my place or Bear’s ~ to know real loss or pseudo loss. True that I maybe jumping the gun just a tad bit as the reason given am very much valid. In fact, it was one that I had anticipated seeing how when you travel at the speed of light, something’s gotta give sometime soon. Yet, there is a keen sense of loss that I reckon, if weighed alongside Bear’s, it would cause us both to be licking the floor.

I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show you tonight

Maybe we should both go buy a dog. Maybe I should move out of my apartment tomorrow. Maybe we should take the rest of the week off and me hide under my blanket and Bear go off on a holiday to anywhere. I don’t know which of these maybes we should do … or maybe none at all.

So many things I don’t know … so many things to think about.

But I do know that I cannot go through another day of going into my office car park, forgetting that I have a season pass and taking a ticket.

I do know that I cannot consciously take a blink and realize that I am driving too closely to the curb, and it pedestrians.

I do know that I cannot walk from my car to my apartment, realizing I left my keys somewhere in between.

From my hands I could give you something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy
Do you really want to go?

Apart from all that, there’s really nothing very much else to be said. Nothing that’s not be cautioned before. Maybe said someone is right in that I mull too much. Yet, there is something to be thought over and that would remain in my head until I decide what I want to do with it.

Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean anything at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

Say it right

Nelly Furtado

...

For whatever reasons you may have ... I never want to go down that rabbit hole again ... No more ...

A Plan-less Day?

Almost half the day is gone. I have done some work – or what work that is available. But truly, the mind is not here at this desk today.

I woke up this morning, feeling upbeat and on the right side of life. Yes, it is a daunting day but I was not going to go into it with a feeling of dread. I was going to liberate in the freedom of being honest. I was going to take a risk and take the outcome as it comes.

On the drive in, I could even sing along to the radio. And I took a moment to feel the warmth of the sun on my face as I drove alongside strangers in cars, thinking to myself – why do you look so harassed when it’s only Monday?

How did in a span of 2 hours all those sentiments of peace, serenity dissipate? I have been telling myself inside my head, regardless of what happens – I do today as a plan-less day. If so, then why do I feel an invisible vice tightening its grip around my heart? Why am I thinking of "what ifs?”

Save me a place, down in your heart.
But don’t let the road, take you too far from me.
And late in the daylight,
Turn your head slowly, turn it away.
Call me when you need me
but please believe me...

A big part of me wants to scream and turn back. Make a stand – THIS IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA. I can do many other things but I cannot do this – be plan-less and surrender. My brother told me to go read today’s Word of God. I did. And what struck me was the contemplation note that I’m not alone and this fear is not felt by me only.

And if you get lonely, part of the time.
If you start losing, part of your mind.
Down in a mystery, you live and you learn.
You breaking so easy, everywhere you turn.
Come on and call me when you need me
But please believe me...

Why then do I feel so alone, so abandoned, not just by one person but by everybody else? Why do I feel that I'm speaking English but everyone I talk to only understands Greek? Have I been talking to the wrong people?

The silence is so deafening. You have no idea how crazy it's making me!

Because I came around for everything I never told ya.
How could I know that you were leaving?
These days are falling out,
I’m stuck inside my self and I can’t see it,
But I believe it.

I don't ask for much... for today... Besides, I feel so fragile, I don't think I can do more than a pat on the head and a smile.

Believe me that you’re standing
On the edge of something good.
And it’s the hardest thing you ever had to do.
Truth be told your begging on your knees
Singing please don’t let it
Please don’t let it

Please don't let it be
The Alternate Routes

Author's Note:
I'm not even going to think I can engineer today so that I can get even that!

Wrong

I learnt a new word today, while watching telly just after waking up at 10 a.m.

pro·pin·qui·ty ~ noun

1. Nearness in place; proximity
2. Nearness of relation; kinship
3. Affinity of nature; similarity
4. Nearness in time

To put this word into use today, I would have to say that I have been sorely lacking in propinquity, not just in the last week but in reflection, a lot of the times in my life.

I just had lunch with Pups and it was good, chatting over meatballs, coffee and Sampoernas with a familiar face, who I do not have to explain very much and still know where my point comes from and lies in.

I am raising a feud with my best buddy, tho he'd probably read about it only here. And for the silliest reason to boot. He's probably gonna tell me to "grow up" and I'm probably gonna get hell raising raging mad with him when he says that. Which is why it's coming on here, instead of somewhere else. Cos I really don't wanna get into a disagreement with him. I'm miffed cos I had rung him for an opinion, as someone I respect and listen to, and got blown off in under 10 seconds. *grumble grumble, curse curse*

I am slowing getting increasingly irritated with Monday.I don't really have a beginning point on elaborating this. I just feel that certain expectations or assumptions have been made and I do not like it. I know, it's really partly my fault for not demarking the zones and areas and I can't really cry hell and sunder over this. But nonetheless, I am seething and it will blow at some point in time. (And right now, taking Charlie's offer up seems to be the best return I can serve up in my wee bit lil head!)

There are a whole list of other things I can state there which are falling on the wrong side of me. But there's no point to it cos at the end of the day and line, I am lacking in propinquity only for one reason and one reason alone ~ a total thorough lack of communication on my part.

I think I'll go bury my head in the sand for the rest of the day until I can think this one thru again.

Going Green

en·vy ~ noun

1. A feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.
2. A longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another

It is apparently one of the seven deadly sins. I am using the term "apparently" cos the Bible doesn't exactly states that these are the seven that would condemn you straight to hell. In any case, it is a wrong-doing in the eyes of God.

So anyways, I am gonna burn in hell for this then yes... going green.. and for the silliest of reasons as well, and of people I know exist but do not know personally.

I'll hear you laugh
I'll see you smile
I'll be with you just for a while
But when the morning comes
And the sun begins to rise
I'll lose you

So.Not.Good. What am I gonna do with Monday?

In My Pad

Here's the best way to come home:

1. Head straight to the freezer
2. Whip out the vodka
3. Pour ya self a nice ice cold shot
4. Top it up with ya fave mixer
5. Putting the best trance tracks
6. Light one candle
7. Take off your top
8. Down ya drink
9. Light up a fag
10. Dance ya heart out without a care in the world

Works all the time - EVERY TIME!

Hey - I'm entitled to it. After the crap week I've been put thru, and I've put myself thru - I DAMN BLOODY HELL DESERVE IT!

Go on - judge me all ya want.. I don't give a rat's arse about what you or the neighbours think.

This IS Barbsie Loaded. Can you handle THAT?

I didn't think so too.

Closer

A good friend told me about a year ago, that I should watch this movie. I just caught it, 365 days later.

“Twisted” was what one of my old friends said last night when I mentioned it. It’s apparently one of those movies that make you wonder why the world is such, why we are such, and that everything in the movie is quite true.

And so I came home after a wonderful dinner with two old friends and downloaded the movie.

~ ** ~

It’s a holiday today. I got to sleep in a lot later. But then again, I woke up at half 4 to watch the game and to see a text message come in at quarter past 5 from Charlie.

It was funny cos Charlie comes and goes as he likes. I tried for a very brief moment to figure out what make Charlie ticks and why Charlie keeps on coming back. And then I stopped. I stopped trying to figure Charlie out cos WhiteBoy gave me my answer.

No one will ever love you as much as I do. Why isn't love enough?

I’m as perfect as anyone of them could ever ask for. I know that for a fact. I think at times, they can’t believe their good fortune on this note. And so now I ask a new question ~ at what price do I pay for being so perfect in another’s eyes?

You don't know the first thing about love, because you don't understand compromise.

~ ** ~

We sat around last night, trying to piece together a joint memory. Each one of us seemed to only recall bits and pieces of the 2 days and 1 night that we all shared together. It brings a smile to my face especially when I recall how carefree we were back then. No pretense. No excuses. No pauses.

Why do memories fade away? Why do we only remember the things we do? What qualifying criteria do we subconsciously apply when we have to free up space in our head and let go of things that we now forget?

Don't stop loving me. I can see it draining out of you.
It's me, remember? It was a stupid thing to do and it meant nothing.
If you love me enough, you'll forgive me.

~ ** ~

I’m having a late lunch with an ex-boyfriend in about an hour. We’re heading out to this suburban neighbourhood that we used to hang out in. As I said in my text to him just, “You used to try and kill me by making me walk up those hills early Sunday mornings!”

And we’re gonna talk cos in the end, he’s one of those people that I can sit and tell the truth to. One of those people I can risk bearing it all to cos he’s seen me at my best and he’s seen me at my worst. One of those people that I have said things to that I can never take back.

And I’m gonna tell him that I’m tired. That years on, I’m still tired. That I’m tired of being tired. But that I don’t know how to rest.

Everybody wants to be happy.
Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed.
If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore.
They'd have to go out into the world and live.
Which can be depressing.

~ ** ~

I live for 2 days in a week.

Sundays cos I can lie in with L&L, horse around with them, walk with them by my side and hold their hands. And lately, Mondays cos that’s my name. Yups.. not Barbs or Barbsie but Monday. And strangely, it’s a name I’ve come to like.

The rest of the week – it comes and it goes. The sun rises and the sun sets. Work goes on and so does the traffic and the rain clouds. I fill them in with dinner with old friends, chill out sessions with my staff, my books and the Astro remote control.

Mondays are as perfect as days can be. Everything seems balanced and for a brief spell, I know that life is indeed a mystery. For a few hours, I know that I am a victim of Fate yet again.

How can one man be so endlessly disappointing?

~ ** ~

I think everyone seeks something in life when we almost have it all. That one big thing that eludes us most of the time. Some of us, when we find it, find that it’s not enough and we go on seeking it out. And for the rest of us, when we find it, we resist it, telling ourselves it’s not what we want and we go on.

Charlie’s text went unanswered. Knowing him, it’ll leave him pondering for a bit, then he’ll probably hit it up and drift off to sleep. That’s Charlie. Strange ain’t it? For someone I do not know well, I can bet my bottom dollar that I do know that much about him.

And in that moment when I chose to turn my phone off so he gets his answer in ways other than words, I became the Not Perfect person, without you knowing it. Just like everything else. And now I do not look forward to Mondays, at least not the next one.

There's a moment, there's always a moment,
"I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it",
and I don't know when your moment was,
but I bet you there was one.

I think I chose the wrong option in my moment. The very wrong option.

But then again, I think you already knew.

What dreamz

I’m not the sort of person who dwells on dreams and what-have-you-not in that general direction of seeking answers in life. Yet I am apprehensive about going to bed tonight. And it’s only 8 pm.

I can’t recall all of it. Which is strange cos normally I can recollect my dreams very vividly. I can remember who was in it but not quite what it was about.

All I can recall from it is this: I felt safe, happy and calm.

I dare not look forward to bedtime cos I am fearful that I will get the same dream again (tho Jay says it doesn’t happen) and at the same time, fearful that I won’t.

Doesn’t make sense does it? Nothing seems to anymore off-late. Adam says it’s cos the force is drawing me to the darkside. Resist I must!

I think I should go get some books to read. Tuesdays are becoming a real tosser!

Mall-ratting

ther·a·py ~ noun

1. The treatment of disease or disorders, as by some remedial, rehabilitating, or curative process
2. A curative power or quality.
3. Any act, hobby, task, program, etc., that relieves tension.

I have been shopping. Not an activity that I should particularly indulge in. But it’s been a what-the-heck mode. Doesn’t help that there’s aiding and abetting going on as well from all quarters of my social circle.

See who am I to say this situation isn't great?
It's my time to make the most of it

While it has been getting things that I have been putting off getting… like a proper pair of shoes for work (in the form of Crocs Islander with 2 jibbitz for good measure) and a new pair of slippers (seeing how the old ones were from the Year of the Dog)… we all know that Barbs been hitting the malls for reasons other than to dress her feet.

Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me ~ not that easy.
If all along the fault is up for grabs why can't you have it?

Jay calls it getting big plastic pills for the tired heart… Me – let’s just say it’s therapy for dust bunnies …

If it's for sale what is your offer,
I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for

For now.. it's easier to get lost in the weekend crowds, deal with kids who wants everything they see in sight.. and pulling price tags out of merchandise when I get home.. Whatever floats my boat – I’ll buy it for now.

And I will make sure that I…

Pay no more than absolutely zero

I'm not cut out for stuff like that... Who the hell are we kidding?

Lights Out

Today has been a wonky day. So wonky, almost each of my staff asked me out for a ciggarette break. One of them even insisted I go have my BP checked again (that would be twice in 4 days) cos he said my face looked strained.

I am strained. Jay calls it "self-imposed misery". Everyone else who has known me longer would just say it's Barbs being Barbs. Hell - I'm having yet another battle in my head, of course I'm strained!

I have tried to break out of this whinging and bemoaning (actually I have not done much of it!!)... had a fun lunch at the Galleria with Adam and Ian - teasing Ian to high heavens and even finishing an entire slice of cheesecake... sat thru 90 minutes of some departmental management exercise on perception and made it hilarious with answers like "The Staff is King" and emoticons thrown in as illustrations to each of my answers....

Yet... nothing feels right. Not even sitting here at home before 7. Not even cruising thru evening traffic without having to really stop-go-stop. Truly.. someone's stole my bounce and sold it to the Far East. And I am a bit lost as to how to ransom it back.

There seems to be only one solution to all this bad-ju-ju. A simple enough solution but which is one I refuse to take. Mandy was and is right. But I also have every right to preserve myself. Pickle it, can it and store it at the back of the cupboard.

If that is really so, what I want to do, as the Bear says... then why is it that there is one smile that I seek?!

I think I should stop thinking for the rest of the day, finish up my drink, smoke my last fag and turn off the lights and sleep.

Self-Indulgence

I really should stop these early mornings blogging before it becomes a way of life once again. oh yes - we've all been there and we do not want Barbsie to go back there again. But at 5 in the morning, I can't possibly ring somebody up and ask stupid questions, now can I?

I really have a lot I want to say at this hour today. It is afterall Tuesday and in 10 hours time, I've gotta sit like a criminal being tried for things that I supposed have done wrong. And I really don't need this rain on my parade. Particularly when I do not feel like I have my bosses on my side.

But anyways, coming back to my point... I have a lot I want to say this morning... But do I really want to indulge myself on it? Is it important that I do? Do the words I want to say have a space here? Or should it be said out loud in person instead?

I'd like to think that through the years, I have come to some form of full circle. Maybe this is one of them. I do not have to prove myself, my life, the way I see the world to anyone. At times, it's better to keep my knowings to myself. That there is such as thing as T.M.I.

This is not getting off to a very good start is it? Well Mandy - here's another one of Barbsie's infamous R&R in action then eh?

And it all fell apart

It's been a rocky week so far. And being a person who have so few friends, I have been kept bouyant by my Bear. But today, the sky fell down hard on me, in a manner so unexpected.

My heart is broken. My spirit snapped in two. Everyone says not to take it personally. But it only goes to show they who said it, do not know me. For what I am, and the work I do, if it is not my personal touch.

I wish I could say I am done crying, but I am not. It doesn't seem real until it is said out-loud to my sounding board. But he's not here and I'm banging my head against the wall over and over again.

If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me to
Before you went away,
if only for a day.
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me back to
The tune we played
before you went away.

Goes to show... at the end of the day, there's no one you should depend on except for yourself.

Crashed Out

It's been a gawd-awful last couple of days with a lot of things failing me miserably.

~ ** ~

I guess it was about time - for me to fall desperately ill. And when I say desperately, what I mean is the high fever till ya toes turn purple type and your glands swelling and throbbing as tho one is on ectasy pills or something of that sort.

And no - I did not overdose on CNY cookies and tidbits, nor touched any mandarin oranges. In fact - I stayed away from them consciously! Goes to show that the body has a different way of thinking and working against ya.

So yeah, I have been dreadfully ill, still am and well.. you're welcome to poke at the gland if you see me.

~ ** ~

I woke up Sunday morning only to find that my notebok had died on me for no apparent reason. I tell you - I always had my suspicions about the bears that I live with, and the missing System32 file overnight only goes to prove my theory right! How can a file go missing just like that?! Not to say that I muck around with my system files at all! And no - I don't download porn so there is no likelihood of a virus coming in from that door.

Anyways, 48 hours without my notebook, suffice to say, left my hands trembling, my mind reeling and my nerves a complete wreck. Throw into that mix a bunch of numbnuts at the HP Helpdesk and my week of woes is complete.

My return here is only made possible by 1) The Garlic Boy from work who was kind enough to reformat and reinstall Windows for me, 2) The Bear who stopped me from systematically push parked motorbikes over along the pavement while I raged and 3) The nice boy from the HP Service Centre who sorted it all out in under 5 minutes. Oh and let's not forget the nice people at the hospital who wouldn't lift a finger to help just cos this is not a hospital asset.

~ ** ~

My one trusted supervisor at work walked out on me with 24 hours' notice. To say I am pissed off, would be taking the whole matter too lightly. And if one knows me, one would say that I didn't care very much if I were merely pissed.

I am disappointed. Cos I actually sat with him and explored his options, knowing his intentions. I asked him to not pull out on me this way - yet, it appears that it all fell on deaf ears.

Needless to say, if he knew better, for his own safety, he would run the other way if he ever saw me walking down the opposite side. Cos wringing his neck would be letting him off the hook.

~ ** ~

Add to that, I have no idea why a certain friend of mine has just decided to drop me like a hot potato, which is so rude in my opinion. And also that from the notebook crash, many hours of music as well as conversation has been wiped out just like that! I'm not too sure of which I am more sore about - the music or the words.. I think it's most definitely the words.

So yeah.. I am all crashed out. Can you really blame me for feeling so low that I have to sit and eat a cheesecake all by myself?!

sor·ry

~ adjective ~ Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc

I was commenting.. or lamenting this evening, how one of my closest friend and I can walk right smack into an argument, even when we see it coming. We’ll each know and actually state it out loud that the line of conversation should switch before we end up arguing. Yet it still happens.

And the increasing frequency of it scares the living daylights out of me.

Much can be placed down to me being fast-finger-Freddy, but then again we have never really been able to determine the definition and expectations of this friendship. And more often than naught, that becomes a pain in the arse.

It hurts each time we have a fight. And being the darling that he is, he often backs down and apologises.

And tonight, I ponder… how many more ‘sorry’s is he gonna say before it becomes just another word in the day-to-day conversational vocab with me?

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

Sometimes I do wish I knew more of him. Just so.

Funky Barbsie

It's not all that hard to understand me. That's the conclusion I have come to today.

Occassionally I go into this cycle where nothing I do is right enough for me to the ones around me. And in the midst of that, I tend to live my life as if it is short and I died yesterday.

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

Some of those closest to me have learnt how to just let me be and slowly test the waters to see if I have come out of it. And then there are some, who after a while, just plain gives up. And so, I don't like it when it happens. But it does and it's ugly cos I become this mean person who doesn't give two-hoots about how damaging I can be.

Don’t close your eyes
This is your life
And today is all you’ve got now

Sen once told me that I can become so difficult to talk to. And today, somebody else close to me said the same thing. And I am sitting here wondering if it's me subconsciously pushing people closest to my heart away.

Are you who you want to be?
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

I feel like crap. Absolute and utter crap. So crap that I'm going home - which is a rarity! That's how crap I feel.

And no, this is not who I wanted to be. I did not for a moment in growing up, anticipate that life would get like this.

There are lines that I have sworn never to cross, yet I find myself tempted to. There are people whom I have sworn to always cherish, yet I find myself saying things just to incite spite in them. There are levels which I have sworn I would never stoop to, yet I find myself going way that low just to get thru another day.

How do I get back to where I once stood? Please - tell me. I'm so lost you would not believe me if I told you the half of it!