In the dead of the night

There is something about suffering from insomnia. 

It allows you to scare the living daylights out of your counterparts, especially when they send emails after their hours and you're there to respond immediately - kinda make them wonder if they are in the right timezone.

It also allows you to think, except that when you're lost for clarity, it adds to the stress and grief ala "why is it not coming to me?!" Instead of focusing on what's at hand (and at stake!!), I instead allow my mind to wonder to the occasional passing of cars on the highway yonder ~ wondering who the occupants are, where are they going or coming from, and why in heaven's name are they out on the roads at this hour!

It's not raining tonight. But when it does, I can hear the howls of the wind, the rattling of the blinds and the rustle of the trees. And the sky turns a ambery red, making it look almost as if God has taken stock of the deeds of those asleep and we have incurred His wrath.

It is the 2nd week running now, that I have not had a proper night's rest. Once upon a time, this was a common place occurrence. But then, there was always work to fill my time. 

Why I do not consider the big assignment before as work, befuddles me. I really should. Perhaps then, these silent hours could be put to better use, instead of being wasted buying useless nonsense on a virtual farm that I would never become rich from.

I would kick my own arse if I were that flexible.

I know you would too!

Focus

en·vi·ron·ment ~ noun

 

• The aggregate of surrounding things, conditions, or influences; surroundings; milieu.
• The air, water, minerals, organisms and all other external factors surrounding and affecting a given organism at any time (Ecology)
• The social and cultural forces that shape the life of a person or a population.

One of my ex-colleagues got married over the weekend. Unfortunately, I was not able to attend due to this cold I'm having ~ wouldn't have been nice to be the cause of why half her guest list fell ill soon after she got married. She was my Admin Assistant from 2 years ago. Didn't work long for me, but till this day, I can remember her honesty at her interview, the reasons why we picked her out of 200+ candidates and why we hugged and cried together on my last day at work at that place.

Perhaps I am a sentimental fool, wanting to bring back the fond past, imprint it into the present.

Perhaps I am an idealist, believing in work culture that is now hard-pressed to find.

Whatever it is the environment that I am in, I can no longer run with it. The air has become so hard to breathe; to say I’m being asphyxiated by it would be an understatement. Yet, it is not a state that is 100% within my control.

It is frustrating. It is demoralising. It is dilapidating.

But I must push on. Bear in mind that it is transitory. That soon, all these will go away. I must remember all these cos one day, it will be in my hands to shape the environment and culture that I believe to be nurturing (with the right persons) and mutually (to both the people and company) beneficial.

As my favourite author says: We need to create a new revolution, and to do that, don’t waste your life: stop pleasing people, and become who you always wanted to be.

Wishes

I wish...

1. I could rant my heart out on most of the things that have been bugging me.
2. I had someone to clean my house for me.
3. I had a bigger and faster car - or at least one that doesn't feel as if it was flying when the needle hits the 100 kmph mark.

Luke's standing next to me and have just remarked that I was wishing for a lot of things.

I suppose I am. And that they are mostly very trivial or materialistic things.

Pardon me for being self-indulgent this evening. It has been a mentally grueling week in seven levels of purgatory!

Fussing

I am 34 years, 1 week and about 4 days old and I have 2 friends who still owe me my pressie. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't insisted on my part, but volunteered on theirs. And it's nothing fancy - just dinner (or lunch) which is an excuse or reason for us to catch up.

The LegalBeagle has claimed that there is a 30 day 'mourning' period - so yeah, boy I shall hound you for our feast at La Bodega after the 28th of this month.

But the Bear - the Bear is a whole different kettle of fish. Cos the Bear has just cancelled on me AGAIN for the 2nd time on this account.

Now traditionally, I would let it slide. But in truth, I cannot be asked to reply his text of "Heya Barbsie, got late mtg today so gotta cancel dinner. Sorry yah." cos it's well and truly getting to be an old ruse. 

Add to that, the Bear is the same person who kicked up a fuss when I said I was having dinner on the actual itself with the folks at home cos mum was in recuperation and it was Friday - the day my kids come home. After laying it on to me as to how it has been a tradition since we became friends, and that I could go pick up my kids after instead ~ it is indeed upsetting to think that I have been cancelled on not once but twice.

And I know I'm stirring up massive beef here but hell - my tv's broken so it's allowed - he used to chastise me for 'making excuses' for a certain someone when they had to work late and call in a rain check. I'll have you know - at least said person had the decency to be really sorry for standing me up at those times, which is more than a "sorry yah".

Perhaps Bear is assuming that as one of his good friends, I should know better how crazy his schedule can get. But he is also forgetting that good friends don't always stay that way unless some effort is made on BOTH sides to keep the friendship as it is - which is good.

As Mandy says - don't put your plans on hold until you are sure he's on his way. I'd really hate to say it out loud but there is a whole lot of truth in what Mandy says.

So yes Bear - I am officially mad with you this time and you can keep the griddle pan with its red ribbon for yourself. It should really be the last thing you give me - I might just clobber you on the head with it till kingdom come!

*Hrumph* Hell hath no fury like that of a girl denied her dinner!

Valuation

"At midnight next Friday, I shall make sure I mandi-bunga," I said to Mandy today. To wash away all the bad-ju-ju that this year has brought my way.

But Mandy disagreed. In fact, she thinks that this year has been a grand year for me cos she thinks I've actually FINALLY got my act together.

As the day winds day - and what a day this has been - I am trying very hard to keep what she says at the forefront of my mind, my thoughts, my entire collapsing being. Cos right now, I am just about flat out - in every sense of the phrase.

I look like crap, I feel like crap and I don't even want to go past looking beyond my own reflection. Cos just about everything else is equally crap right now.

Whoever said growing pains was a physical thingy – they were way wrong. They were also wrong on the account that it happens only during puberty – it’s a pain that never ends!

It is said in Proverbs 24, verse 13 & 14:

When you enjoy becoming wise,

There is hope for you!

A bright future lies ahead.

So I guess today, like every other day, too shall pass. Just gotta suck it up!

Like That Hor

I recall not too long ago, some political figure in our country was splashed all over the front pages of the morning paper, with the story being that his command of the English language was flawed. Flawed to the point that he should not be in the public's eye.

I never would have thought I'd see the day where one would be deemed to be flawed because one's command of the language is judged as above average. But that day has indeed arrived personally.

Unfortunately, my options to address the issue at hand are limited; I do not have a vast array of solutions at my disposable. *Doggone done it again with disposable!*

And if I were to follow Mandy's mantra of "Suck it up", I would soon end up with a internal system that comprise mostly of fume, frustration and toxic matters.

More importantly, I do know that I should remove "reading" from my list of hobbies and things to do daily cos it's turning my vocabulary into one that belongs to persons from literary circles (tho the only writer I know is Kelly!).

I was taught that one should always "speak as one wished to be spoken too." Seeing how I cannot unlearn what has been ingrained into me, perhaps I should just leave the letter writing and speaking to someone else. And if I were to do that - then perhaps I should not be here at all cos it would leave me with nothing to do.

Never have I felt so utterly idiotic in my entire working career. Talk about facing massive culture clash.

I think I should go back to wearing Crocs to work. Maybe then I'll be a happy unprofessional camper.

What About The Rest?

Our local papers has almost reached tabloid status with the recent incident that raised a whole lot of suspicions on "acceptable practices to persons in custody."

I have no particular comment on the mysterious circumstances surrounding the findings of a certain body, 9 stories below where the authorities had left him in the wee hours of the morning. A multitude of reasons could be the cause of a person "falling" out the window.

I do have particular sentiments on the sensationalisation of everything else that ensued afterwards. It is quite disgusting that almost a week on, pages and pages of print are still being devoted to it. And my most serious point of contention would be that of how everyone is rallying around a lady, that was virtually unknown right up to the point the man in her life fell out the window.

She has my utmost sympathy - don't get me wrong. To lose a loved one is tragic. To love a loved on the day before you get married is just soul-breaking. To love the father of your unborn child - even I would not wish that upon those I hate most.

But I must say, everyone caught up in the whirlwind of standing in for her lost knight in shining armour is getting to me just that wee bit. And the bee in today's bonnet would be Wanita MCA's call to the National Registration Department to allow her to register her unborn child's birth certificate in the name of her dead fiancee UNDER HUMANITARIAN GROUNDS.

Now the NRD and I are quite familiar with each other because I've been badgering them to allow my children to be illegitimate. Afterall, if their biological dad do not wish to acknowledge them after deciding he would, hey - who are they to insist that Lydia and Luke should have a father?

So yes, I fully subscribed to the fact that some of their rules ought to be changed. But that it should be done AFTER a due process of consideration and deliberation, in order for the implementation to be water-tight and free of potential future abuse.

To call for an exception to the rule in this case to me is just pure limelight-hogging-publicity-whoring-bullshit. Grieving lady is not the 1st to be caught out of wedlock with a dead partner, and she will not be the last. But hey - even if you're holding a number and waiting in line for this to happen - be sure you have your wishes stated when there's a reporter nearby. It might just happen for you!

And the bit of a trust fund being set up? That just takes the cake. Cos I do not see these overnight philantrophist(s) coming forward or scouring the streets for persons in similar situations doing the same.

Jumblestation - a small group of individuals in Subang Jaya has such a hard time raising funds to assist the single parents of USJ. And mind you - they are in worst off situations, considering they do not have any qualification to their name, thus denying them the opportunity to hold a proper paying job that could feed two, three or even four. MaryAnne, the lady who started it all, even has to go to the extent of helping them apply for housing, filling up the forms for welfare - simply cos some of them are illiterate.

Said saidly, none of their deceased partners worked for any politicians, nor did they depart under mysterious circumstances. They were your average joe who contracted some incurable disease, made worse by not having proper healthcare, or were terminated physically at some low-paying construction job they took. They left, quietly, sometime in the day, noon or night, with only those left living around them. Perhaps that is what I should advise MaryAnne the next time I email her on how we can get more publicity for her cause: make sure the cases she takes on fall into the category of having married some politically-linked individual and the circumstances of death states "Unknown." It would make her task a walk in the park!

I am not writing this piece whilst sitting on some high-horse. I know for a fact that life ahead for Ms Soh is going to be so challenging, she's gonna wish she fell out that same window too. Just because my children's father chose to leave instead of being taken, doesn't mean I had life any easier. And so I know that there would be mornings where she wished the sun did not come up, and there would be nights when she wished it would engulf her forever.

Each time she looks at her kid, her heart will break all over again. And when the harsh realities of life in forms of bills, fees and all that jazz creeps in - she's gonna wonder if she can live with herself if she were to quiting her day job and "putting on that red lamp" tonight instead, just so the kid would have enough.

Having said all that, I ALSO have to say this today:

She is but one of many. And she has the media on her side. Show your sympathy, apathy, whatever-you-want-to-call-it for the tragicness that has befallen the lady we read about in the papers today. BUT also show it to the rest who do not even have a whisper of their names in the news we read.

A lot has been said and done for the grieving "widow." So why don't we talk instead today, tomorrow and the days to come, for the rest?

Clean & Cleared

So yeah, it's now been 48 hours and no, the phone has not rung from the hospital to say I have to go back. So technically I have the all clear.

"Thank God!" said bff Mandy when she rang for an update this evening. And that was the most magical words said to me the whole of the last 2 days. For a brief moment, I felt that my existence in every day life did indeed matter - even if it was to just one person. That there was at least ONE person out there who was grateful and glad that I did not have to be further quarantined and is at no risk to everyone around me (as if there is a long queue for that right now!)

While driving back from my folks' place (where I had to leave my kids' stuff outside the front door and not inside, lest I contaminate the house), I couldn't help but reflect that our society does not condition us well to be loners. Sure we see lots of them out there with their kung-po-kai-fun and Chinese tea ice for dinner and the evening papers. But really, we're not structured to face days on end by ourselves. Or maybe it's just me.

Having just spent 2 weeks in Ireland by myself and coming home to this (this meaning being placed under home quarantine), I am shrivelling up like a grape forgotten at the back of the chiller cabinet. Add to all this, ultimatums that make me feel about as good as someone who has leprosy .. sighing is all I can do.

Perhaps I should sell my car so I have the funds to go get the crooked bone in my nose fixed. That way I won't be subsceptible to sinusitus. And my nose won't clog up at will when the pollen or dust count goes up a bit in the air. And the endless snifflings would stop. Then people won't look at me in this climate of virus scare and go all crazy around me or ask me to wear a face mask when there's nothing contagious about me.

I've been given a clean bill of health by the powers that be at the hospital. If only that bill would stretch to wiping out the stigma of being "suspected"!

Moving without Moving

I wrote Lydia's school principal the following email today after reading the papers:

Dear Ms Julia,

With the latest ruling of teaching of Maths & Science in BM from Year 2012, I write to enquire if Sekolah Sri Sedaya is required to follow this ruling and if so, would Lydia be affected?

Please advice.

Yours truly,

Barbara Er

A lot of angst have been expressed in the media over our government's latest decision. I too am questioning the rationale of the decision and the justification given. As our former PM rightfully said - we appear to be moving backwards! And he could not be more right on this account!

For my office has just received the results of the coming batch of scholars admitting into our unis and only half of them made the entry grade. Surprise! Surprise! The other half that did not make it was due to a poor Math or Science or BOTH score! And these are the cream of the crop - the best of the lot in their year which is why they are deserving of such huge tax-payer's investment in the hope of them advancing our country's growth.

While I am pleased that the schools would be re-introducing English Literature as a subject - I honestly doubt that my kids (if they have the misfortune of still having to follow the mainstream system) would be engaging me in a discussion of Yeats or Joyce (which makes me question the point of enrolling in next year's summer school on the works of John McGahern in Ireland even if the EUR 550 is being paid for me!!!)

At the end of the day, in my humble opinion, education today is wasted cos children are not nurtured to think for themselves which in turns translates to applying the knowledge they receive. It's not just in the poor scores that are being produced by our nation's top scholars but in the overall way of our system - and I can rant cos I was just sent from one end of a public hospital to another and back, despite my uncertain infectious condition, just so the pharmacist dispensing the drug could have 5 more minutes on her mobile with whoever it is that requires her attention! Which is a fine example of not applying knowledge received.

We talk of being a developing country. Perhaps the powers-that-be have mild dyslexia, getting their spelling wrong cos we seem to be more of an enveloping country - folding ourselves in.

We are told that our thoughts and opinions would now be taken into serious consideration under a certain concept - yet decisions still sway away from the cry of the public.

Maybe in time to come, I would be able to escape all these by putting my kids somewhere else to study tho if you were to ask me, there is no one perfect education system that exist in the world today! And if that be the case, then perhaps the only escape route would be to put them in an apprentice trade and say "Heck care!" to a paper qualification!

Afterall, it's pointless having a string of letters to your name if you can't think for yourself and contribute towards the betterment of society.

What A Joke

I have been nursing this nasty head cold prior to my return from Ireland on Monday.

I suppose going from an average of 18 degrees to 30-something degrees in a span of 24 hours did not help. I also suppose that pushing an entire 24 hours without sleep (my own remedy of countering jet-lag) would have maxed me out and bring on a nasty headache when I woke up yesterday. Last but not least, I suppose the pigging out on spicy food as a make-up of 12 days without chili did not also aid my fragile internal system.

Little did I think that all those "insignificant" actions of mine would result in my system completely turning on me today so that I am also having a slightly higher body temperature and the onset of a sore throat.

Now to really bring home the insignificance of my actions - the "repercussions" apparently mirrors the syptoms of *drum roll* H1N1! Which meant that when I finally ran out of my lil strips of Boots Max Strength Cold & Flu tablets (which, mind you, were EUR 0.70 a pop at 4 pops a day for the last 7 days), the doctor at the clinic would turn me away and send me to the nearest hospital.

So here I am, sitting in my work clothes still, scratching my head and counting down the next 48 hours.

If the phone rings with a certain PJ-area number within this time, I'll be packing my bags for a free stay at Sg. Buloh 'resort' and expecting a big whalloping from:

1) The hundreds of passengers on the return flight to KL from London (especially the dudes who were part of the Lord Mayor of London's entourage and who had spent yesterday with a bunch of head hunchos from Bank Negara!!!)

2) My best mate Mandy cos I'm the leader of the pack to rag her husband on their wedding day next week

3) My brother cos that would mean his whole family (and mine!!) would have to done the mask and stay home or have their throats swabbed

4) My boss cos I have put our lil Sam at risk by going back to work today and also not loading up on supplements and vitamins prior and during my travels,

and

5) Ben cos he told me to get myself some face masks and not catch the virus while on my travels.

So yeah, I'm ending up 7 days later:

• About RM 98 out of pocket from those lil Boots tablets,
• Stuck at home for the next 2 days without any human being for company - I was so looking forward to spending the weekend with my doh-doh and lukey boy! AND
• Without food other than bread (that's been in the fridge for the last month), eggs (that's also been around the same amount of time), some pasta sauce (which dates to about the same time as well) and instant noodles.

This is such a joke. I should have saved myself all that trouble and some RM 93 (the hospital bill was only RM 5 with an armload of meds!) and 3 kicks less in the butt.

Please God let that swab be negative!

Sid's Secret

I bumped into an old friend at dinner tonight. He’s actually a friend of Lydia and Luke’s biological father, but other time became my friend as well. I haven’t seen him for a while now, but for some reason, my gut did tell me I would be seeing him sometime soon.

I don’t know what possessed me to ask, after the usual round of courtesies – So how’s Ray? And that was my opening of Pandora’s Box for the year.

And so, Lydia and Luke has two half-siblings somewhere out there in the same geographical space. It is news that I have been preparing myself to hear from the grapevine eventually sometime thru this thing I call my life. But perhaps, I wasn’t prepared enough. And right now, 3 vodka cranberries on and pushing on 40 hours without sleep; I am not sure how to react to it.

I have learnt from my 10 hour dvd marathon that one should put a label to their feelings in order to know how to address it. And so this is my attempt:

I have some amount of rage going on somewhere inside – Did he think he could replace the two he cast aside with new ones, as one does with cars, homes, clothes, shoes? And knowing him, they would probably have closet full of branded clothing, shoes and toys as well while mine have what’s available and affordable. If he had any cow sense left in that pea size brain of his (see I told you I was raging!), they would probably be enrolled in the best pre-school in his neighbourhood, carrying the fanciest backpack and not having to wonder if asking for a McD’s lunch on the weekend would be too much.

But having said and expanded all that, I also have some amount of pride hanging abouts somewhere in here as well. Cos Lydia and Luke are beautiful, with Lydia certainly taking after me and my Straits Chinese features, which is probably why most people thinks she is of mixed-parentage. And through that, they would always be uniquely different in a crowd.

Plus tonight, in talking with my mates from around the world, exchanging parenting stories, my kids are equal to theirs – theirs who goes to the best international school in town and having the advantage of being global citizens.

I may not have much, thereby translating to Lydia and Luke not having much either. But in taking away all the things that money can buy, they are gaining a whole lot more. For they have values and appreciation of what money cannot buy. And they have me – all of ME, which more than makes up for a dad who, in the name of work, go out drinking till half past 3 in the mornings, and living beyond his means just to keep up with the Jones.

At the end of the day, in my opinion, there are somethings and some persons that you can replace. Cars, houses, jobs, watches. Best friends, neighbours, even parents.

But when it comes to kids – YOUR KIDS – a person whom you created – if you think they can be replaced – Buddy, I hate to say this. But you’re even more screwed up than I (and the rest of my world) gave you credit for.

But it’s okay. We shan’t rat on you. These kind of things cannot remain skeletons in the closet forever. Until then, we’ll let it remain Sid’s secret.

And we know Sid’s gonna come back and bite ya in the arse when you least expect it.

With that, we’ll close by adding vengeance to the list as well.

 

The Life of Riley

It’s another long, hot weekend. I’m sitting at the desk, occasionally skipping screens, waiting for the local lotto jackpot results to be updated on their website.

Lost in the Milky Way,

smile at the empty sky and wait for

the moment a million chances may all collide.

I'll be the guiding light,

swim to me through stars that shine down,

and call to the sleeping World as they fall to Earth.

Time sure does flies. In about 28 hours of so, June would enter our lives, tho the summer-type weather announced its arrival way before the calendars days did. And as the days wind down, I am beginning to feel more and more like Ishmael, the lead character in the book Man Gone Down (by Michael Thomas). Only, he had 4 days. I am more fortunate – I have about 14.

From cradles and sleepless nights,

you breathe in life forever,

and stare at the World from deep under eiderdown.

Although this World is a crazy ride,

you just take your seat and hold on tight.

I must say I am glad to see last week end, tho I am not grateful for the way it ended. Two days on, the bitter aftertaste is still very much present at the back of throat. And I am filled with dread when I think forward to Monday, and then there’s Tuesday, etc, etc, etc. In short – I am not looking forward to going to work. And unless I can wrap my head around it, cast the issue aside, I am gonna be hating work till... such-and-such a time when...

Blowing bubbles

A whole night of talking in circles,

searching for the reasons to save us,

and keep it all painless.

All the lies you've had to swallow,

just to face the World tomorrow.

The Bear asked today if I was okay. I am not. But it’s a round-hole, square-peg situation. I.e. What can I do about it? Tender my resignation in these glum economic climates? Throw away a possibility that tho fading in its brightness is still my closest shot by far? This is no ordinary situation. And so I cannot respond in my ordinary ways ~ packing it in and calling it a day.

Blowing bubbles it's the final straw,

they never last too long but for a moment

there's perfection floating through an open door,

but if you try to hold it

then it turns to nothing.

The page has loaded, another tenner wasted. I have yet one more shot at Lady Luck – as Ben says: Hang on to that buck of hope! Alas, faith is wearing thin. Seriously and dangerously thin. So much so, I am threatening to unravel these thin threads of sanity and well, ... just well.

Your whole world...

can turn on a moment,

some things can come back and haunt you,

but they're too late to warn you.

I’m trying my damnest best not to make a mountain out of a mole-hill. And in all honesty, I rarely rant – unless it is matters that truly deserve ranting. I do not rave about not having the right car, nor do I take the piss at someone better than. Yet for this one individual – I can find no words to fit as the right adjective. Cos I simply cannot understand nor comprehend.

Drinking in the dead of night,

tobacco clouds that sting your eyes,

you've locked your feelings deep inside,

growing pains that never die.

You need to sweep the picture clean,

and start to dream another dream,

and end this foggy yesterday that still reminds you...

All the lies you've had to swallow,

just to face the World tomorrow... 

I cannot let this happen. I have to wait my time even if it kills me. Cos it is the ticket out of this never ending misery of finding the right place, the right time and the right job. I have to find a way to believe in the opinions of those that matters. To cast aside the opinions of those that don’t. I am not a parasite, feeding on the pats on heads from my circle of friends whom I trust. And so, I have to even learn how to cast aside the lil voice in my head that says “Perhaps I’m truly not the ONE.” In.All.Instances.Of.Life.

So here's your life,

we'll find our way, we're sailing blind,

but it's certain nothing's certain.

I don't mind,

I get the feeling you'll be fine,

I still believe that in this World,

we've got to find the time...

for the Life of Riley.

Someday, the Life of Riley would be mine - a carefree, comfortable, and thoroughly enjoyable way of living! It might not be today (Yups - the last buck of hope gone in a flash!) And I bet you his life didn't have no psycho in it that veers from one extreme to the other, and redefining the phrase "I hate you" in the process!

I just need to get that voice in my head to Shut the F**K Up till then!

Stan

stalk ~ verb (used without object)

1. To pursue or approach prey, quarry, etc.,
2. To walk with measured, stiff, or haughty strides
3. To proceed in a steady, deliberate, or sinister manner

I never thought I would see the day when I conclude that I am being stalked. Thankfully not physically but electronically and digitally is enough for this girl.

I have not one but TWO electronic stalkers. And they do not go away no matter what I have done. Most surprisingly, both as professed "professionals" so you would think that their grey matter has some level of depth and substance to process No and GO AWAY to be as such.

Sadly, judging by the latest email that had popped into my inbox, perhaps by having to use their brains consistently thru out the work day, they do not know of any way of processing words without excluding its literal sense anymore.

Short of changing my mobile number and deleting my long-standing web-mail account, it looks as if these two jokers are not going anywhere. And I for one am not going to stoop to their level by having thugs call them out, breaking their mobile phones and laptops in the process.

I am not intimidated. I am merely pissed. Pissed that there are such jokers out there. And pissed that because of a brief moment of folly, I have been plagued and unfortunately would continue to be plagued by the two valley idiots who can't read.

What a fine mess we've gotten ourselves into Stan!

Real MONSTER

YOU are now OFFICIALLY my WORST NIGHTMARE!

Under~Stand

It was a disturbed sleep night. Can't say I am well rested at all. So I am very thankful that today is a holiday and that my brother has taken the kids to the beach for a break. I guess that is what happens when one goes to bed fuming and raging.

un⋅der⋅stand ~ verb (used witah object)

1. To perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend
   
2. To be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of
   
3. To assign a meaning to; interpret
   
4. To grasp the significance, implications, or importance of
   
5. To regard as firmly communicated; take as agreed or settled
   
6. To learn or hear
   
7. To accept as true; believe
   
8. To construe in a particular way
   
9. To supply mentally (something that is not expressed)
   

With a clear head this morning, waking up to a drizzle (correct me if I'm wrong, but our weather's gone way wonky hasn't it?), I have been trying to wrap my head around the whole concept of "dishonesty" and "betrayal". On one hand, I cannot get past the fact that given countless opportunities to wipe the slate clean, it wasn't taken. WHAT GIVES?! Yet on the other, I can fully comprehend... no wait, there is nothing that I can comprehend. 

Carrying on from late last night, I suppose I can say that I am anger and upset because I was the greater fool. And that doesn't sit well at all with me. And to have someone can make light of having misplaced my trust so easily and callously, just adds fuel to the fire.

I am sick and tired of all these half-truths. Truly - it wears me down more than anyone else can fathom. It doesn't throw me into a spiral of despair, but it does dig up a whole dejavu sensation of "having been there and done that."

Yes, I am having severe beef with something so trivial. But that's because I have been taken on one ride too many, and honestly - I am perfectly capable of driving myself off the edge of the cliff.

So do me a damn favour and stop jumping on the hood!

Names, Ages and Birthdays

I just updated my Facebook status, and it cannot be more honest than it is. I am fishing pissed off right this very moment, and it has been building over the course of the last 2 hours. To prove that I too can bite and not let go, I had to drive the point home. Cos honestly, I TOO have thresholds. And this was reaching it.

It doesnt matter how sad I made you

Doesn't matter how hard I try

Just remember the same old reason reflected in your eyes

You said you wanted me

I have never, ever in the past year lost my cool with this one person. For every action, I had an equal and POSITIVE reaction. But I have to say, if anyone ever thought that this lassy could be nicely walked over, not once, twice, thrice or more - they seriously need their heads checked. 

So yes, I am fish-sticks-and-frog-legs fuming right now (STILL!!!!) and I reckon, I would be for days to come.

And I hate to say it out loud, but it has to be done. The trust has been violated and broken. Which is the most likely reason why I am capable of reaching this level of angst and anger (Surprise! Surprise! It can be done!). Short of coming out right and saying "Do you realise what an utter fool you have made of me?!"

Seriously, right now - I'd tell ya to take your fucking frog and whatever else it is you are, and go straight to fucking hell.

Caught up in your wishin' well

Your hopes and sadness

Take your love and promises

And make them last

I so do not need to be your fucking hero. Cos being a hero to someone who can't even get the basics right - isn't very heroic at all in my books.

I'm just simply caught by my own word being my honour.

Sex, Lies, Videotapes!

con⋅demn ~ verb (used with object)

1. To express an unfavorable or adverse judgment on; indicate strong disapproval of; censure.
2. To pronounce to be guilty; sentence to punishment.
3. To give grounds or reason for convicting or censuring.
4. To judge or pronounce to be unfit for use or service.
5. To force into a specific state or activity.
6. To declare incurable.

There has been a multitude of news lately in our local media about so-and-so caught on tape, video, cameraphone, dvd, etc doing such-and-such a thing. Needless to say, a tonne of people have had their two-cents recorded about it as well.

It has spurred a round of debates on what is privacy and how people in positions of limelight, power, authority and public respect should conduct themselves, lest they get snared in this world of free-for-all that we now live in.

I have no particular opinions on whether what they have done is right or wrong. I mean – it is after all their own lives. At the end of the day, if they can sleep well at night and be able to face their Maker with a straight face – who am I to judge? I can be many things to many people, but GOD I sure ain’t.

I do have beef with them who feel so betrayed that they have to continuously remind people of this wrong-doing perpetrated. Do they not realise that by keeping this piece of tit-bit on the edge of their tongues, they are nothing but oxygen is to fire?

Sure, you feel betrayed – but who asked you to place mere mortals on pedestals in the first place? People of positions of power, authority and respect, are but mere vessels for you to connect to the truth ~ they are not the truth incarnate. And whether you’re doing it with the intent of causing more damage, it is irrevocably causing harm already.

True that there are some positions of authority that have strict rules that one must abide by, but let’s face it – we are all humans, subjected to frailties and moments of blindness. If them who have sinned, are able to make peace with God and be truly repent – again, who are we to hold it against them?

As it was said by Jesus in John  8:7 “Let him among you who is without sin be the first to send a stone at her.”  

We are all with sin. So let’s just zip our mouths shut and not reduce ourselves to being a mere atom of oxygen by spreading it on.

If you must do something about it, then pray for the sinner to find the courage to make peace and be truly repent.

And mind you – this prayer can remain between you and your Maker.