Emotionally Spent

I never knew how tiring it was to be who everyone else wants you to be. To be sure in saying things just the right way, so that you are not misunderstood.

For a person who once represented the state in an international public speaking competition, I sure am getting very bad at speaking / communicating cos everything I have said or written in the past week has been grossly misconstrued. And it's only Tuesday, mind you!

Either that, or at the back of the mind of all who know me, I must be made of pure evil and venom. Filled with feelings of inferiority that is just raging to come out at every single opportunity available.

If I have to think and re-think every thought that comes to mind, with every single person I call my friend.. I might as well not have any. And if I have to lie to you just to make you feel good, then I might as well be your enemy and stab you in the back with a butcher's knife.

What happened to being free and who you are when you're among friends?!

It's bad enough that I have to be this whole other person at work and with my family, now I have to include my "best friends" among that category as well. To have to lie my way thru a conversation. To have to walk on egg-shells with the ones I would trust my life with.

It just ain't right.

Maybe there just ain't an ounce of goodness in me at all.

Maybe it's me who has been the one having disillusions.

Maybe I should just join a cloister and keep my thoughts in my head and call it praying.

I am tired. Just well and truly tired. Do not push me to the point when I would once again feel the need to walk away and say au dieu. Cos I am fast reaching there. And this time, I would not back down.

For it's pointless to be in close association when we no longer know who the other is.

But.. but.. but..

stu.pe.fy ~ verb

1. To put into a state of little or no sensibility; benumb the faculties of; put into a stupor.
2. To stun, as with a narcotic, a shock or a strong emotion.
3. To overwhelm with amazement; astound; astonish.

And that is what I'm feeling right now...

This is the last time that I will say these words
I remember the first time - the first of many lies
Sweep it into the corner, or hide it under the bed
Say these things they go away - but they never do

In spite of myself, I laid down my wager and placed the bet nonetheless. I did not reckon I would bet on the wrong horse though. That the invitation would be taken up.

This is the last time that I will show my face
One last tender lie and then I'm out of this place
So tread it into the carpet or hide it under the stairs
Say that some things never die - well I tried

I should have listened to the wise of words Chris Rock, who according to Puppy, said this:

All men want are 3 things - food, sex and quiet ~
Feed me, fuck me and shut the fuck up!

And it is the last line that lingers on my mind. I should have bloody shut the fuck up, instead of being all gung-ho, no holds barred!

Something I wasn't sure of but I was in the middle of
Something I forget now but I've seen too little of

It is sometimes, a bane, to be eloquent... to be able to put your innermost thoughts down in a manner that, though is not intended to cause grief.. does in the end anyways.

And no - I do not think that "we" are gonna bounce back from Chemical Shooter, any stronger.

No... I seriously doubt there would be any bouncing at all from now on.

I wish I could say I am a person of more faith. Especially faith in being acceptable, despite everything else that is not right about me, and with me. But alas, no. Among all my possible "virtues", faith is not one of them.

I'm gonna go crawl under the table now. And I don't think I'm the only who's feeling like sitting under the table right now.

I'll say it again - I am stupefied!

Being Boring

There’s this game that I play with a friend when we run out of things to share. There’s no name to it, but it’s basically music trivia. I always cheat cos I’m not very good at remembering song titles, nor the artiste’s name.

I came across a cache of old photos and invitations to teenage parties
Dress in white one said, with quotations from someone’s wife, a famous writer
In the nineteen-twenties

And so yesterday, for some sense of normality in the chaos that has ensued, we played the same game. And the song Being Boring came on up. He asked if I remembered the video. And having downloaded it today – naughty naughty is all I can say.

When you’re young, you find inspiration
In anyone who’s ever gone and opened up a closing door
She said: we were never feeling bored

It’s funny how this song has stuck in my head.. and is playing on my WinMedia now cos I’ve been nothing but melancholic for the way things were and how it all changed.

When I went, I left from the station with a haversack and some trepidation
Someone said: if you’re not careful,
You’ll have nothing left and nothing to care for
In the nineteen-seventies

Looking back, I almost wished I didn’t have the need to find “perspective”. Looking back at all the mails exchanged, the thoughts shared… perspective is over-rated. It didn’t make things any better. In fact, it almost is single-handedly responsible for making things worse. Cos right now, it feels like there’s nothing left and nothing to care for.

But I sat back and looking forward, my shoes were high and I had scored
I’d bolted through a closing door -
I would never find myself feeling bored

That paragraph rings so true. Everyday was a roller-coaster right of thrills and spills. And it’s not so much the emotions that ran thru like adrenaline pumping thru a footy player on the pitch. But there were no inhibitions on expressions. Not a conversation was boring.

Now I sit with different faces in rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing, some are here and some are missing
In the nineteen-nineties

To be ponderous about what had gone on, is a useless state of mind. Cos it’s gone out the door, taken by the dog to the moon. Which was why it was sausade on Saturday morning. I sit here and I reflect and I feel as if I have cheated my own self by being the old me and thus, bringing life to a stop, as always.

I never dreamt that I would get to be the creature that I always meant to be
But I thought in spite of dreams
You’d be sitting somewhere here with me

Maybe in the shadows of the moonlight, I would be brave enough to face the facts and state what is real. And ask it out loud in the manner it should be done. How easy we see it on TV… my fave show Grey’s Anatomy comes to mind. The scene where Derrick asks Meredith – What does this mean?

What DID it mean? What is going on? What am I suppose to make of it all?

Cause we were never being boring

Ask me what I want and I would only be able to tell you in general sense, that I want to go back to when we were never being boring. When everything was funny or fun or unique or sweet. And for either one of us who wanted to know the answer, all we had to say was "question", knowing that there would not be any repercussions of any sort. Oh! ~ The questions we have asked.

We had too much time to find for ourselves

To when no matter how crazy our day got, there was always time to say hello or to write that short para, giving an update on what’s been happening and commenting on what had happened. And no hour was too late, despite the fact that I thought people over 34 needed to sleep by 11 pm.

We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends

To when getting out of the office at a decent hour was not cos we were sick of the place, but cos we had something better to do. To when deciding what to wear was something that warranted 4 phone calls to 4 different persons, and wearing a shirt warranted a discussion that spanned a whole week.

And we were never holding back or worried that time would come to an end

To when time felt like it was going by, but not for us.

And maybe in a way, it still feels this way.. cos while it’s only been a short time, we seem to find it hard to believe that only 100 days had passed.

It’s like I’ve stepped off the roller-coaster and went on the carousel instead with the engineer on his lunch break. It’s just going in circles and I can’t get off. No matter how hard I try, I can’t.

And because of that, I want to go back to when we were never being boring, when we had so many things to explore and find.

It's not fair that time has come to an end.

How to do the shooter

I have declared Chemical Shooter as a no-go zone to a certain someone. Yes - outrightly in text said it - You cannot ever go in there again.

I know I have no right to tell someone that they cannot type in this URL and read what is written. But it had to be done.

For Shooter is my space. Space to spill out my thoughts and the things I will never say.

And so, there's a certain way that it has to be read. Exactly how, I haven't quite figured it out yet. For starters, it should not be the place to come and seek information when you need it.

It's just not done.

Not so much cos it'll then be an invasion of my personal space. But rather, you'll be reading the words that are not spoken for a reason.

I said earlier this evening... that I was sorry for always sweeping things under the carpet by saying let it go.. or we'll talk about it another time.. that I'm not too sure what it is I'm avoiding by doing so...

Here's the secret - I do know and I have always known.

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead

This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears, the tears I shed
This is the fear, this is the dread
These are the contents of my head

And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel, do you know how I feel?
Cos I don't think you know how I feel

I don't think you know what I fear
You don't know what I fear

And that is why only few can handle the Shooter the way she should be handled..


With a whiskey by the side and a cigar in hand..

And knowing that Barbsie will come out of it eventually.

And it's called..

No other language describes the feeling of looking at this morning's sun other than Brazilian.

And it's called sausade.

A sense of longing for something, such as a place, a person, a dream, happy memories... a sadness that is felt when you think of these things cos they are gone and can no longer come back.

Alas... ignorance was bliss...

I don't want wanna be nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How long do I have to be.. a shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall - it cannot be seen at all
At all.

31.. the year that was..

A year ago, I got absolutely wasted celebrating turning 30 years and 11 months. I absolutely did not want to turn 31.. and looking back at the year that was, I suppose one could call it premonition of things changing majorly in my life.

Turning 32 is not that big a milestone. But if you walked a mile in my shoes, everyday, every year is a milestone. A celebration of the fact that I am still standing.

It’s been a year of changes. The change in job, the change in life for a spell. Right now, “there” is not exactly the pretty picture that I had expected. And I am struggling majorly to accept things to be the way they are, to balance life up nicely so I don’t fall off any one end.

And looking at my blog postings for the last 3 weeks or so, it is a mirror effect of just how busy life has gotten for me. To the point, I cannot think when I come home. Think enough to unload my thoughts in an eloquent and insightful way. Any writing that I have done in the last 4 weeks had not had much profoundness in it.

It should be something that I should be proud of. I believe that my mentor would be silently proud of me as well. That I am able to carry my own weight without him backing me up. That was also his wish. And now, I think I’ve finally learnt the lesson and applying it.

I’ve finally learnt what it means to nurture other people the way that I have been nurtured. And it is with quiet excitement that I anticipate the moment when I see the fruits of my time investments paying off. It is not expectation. It is anticipation.

I’ve also realize that I have a yearning for adding on to my own knowledge and applying it in my work life. And that is what learning should be about. It does ease the pain a bit, of watching my former colleagues advance in their MBA, knowing that it would take a huge windfall before I step forward with mine once again.

Most importantly, in the last 365 days, I have realized that despite insulating myself personally against taking gambles and risk, I am but only human. And the wall can only remain up for that long.

I learnt what it was like to walk with a spring in my step or to hear the phone ring or to see an email or instant message pop up with anticipation. I learnt what it was like to have someone hold your hand and in that instant, everything else did not matter and no matter how crazy the world is, I was safe. I learnt what it was like to trust someone else with myself, pushing away desperately the nagging doubt that I was just going to fall flat on my face once again.

Was it worth it? Breaking it all down? I’m not too sure, to be honest.

For one, there is nothing really to show for it except maybe for some memories, when invoked, still bring smiles to my face on a dreary day. While it warms the heart, it chills the soul. It’s not a nice feeling. Definitely very bitter-sweet.

They say that as you grow older, you grow wiser.. and life becomes easier. Life should not be this hard.. that you have to think so deeply and keep your head above water, just to know who you are.

I used to be able to speak my thoughts.. fearless… uninhibited. These days, the only way to get it all out of me is make me mad to the point of not giving a rat’s ass.. or load me up with lots of alcohol so I get into the spirit of truth. And even then, one has to find out about it by logging on to my blog.

But the truth is this - Life is hard. And it only gets harder as you grow up and grow older.

You get paid more, but you also put in more.

You fall less often, but when you do, it hurts a hell lot more.

Your judgment and instincts improve, but the disappointments get harder to forget.

The year that was… 31.. a year of achievement.. and one big disappointment.

Here’s wishing that the remaining 25 days would bring some form of salvation for the year that was.

The Kill

It's a Friday night and I'm home when I have every reason to be out. I was so looking forward to the weekend! As my best buddy said just now - I'm so "chilled" this evening. *Ha* You have no idea how pleased I was to hear those words!

But I'm chilled no more. In fact, you would not believe how angry I am right now.

What if I wanted to break - laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

In the last 3 months, I think I have been this person that I'm not. Though I may have had my dark and twisty moments, it has never been vented out at a particular individual. For some strange reason, I felt the need to keep up this up-beat cheeriness. Maybe cos this person had expressed profound "hope" in my strive for happiness.

What if I fell to the floor - couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do?

In the one instant that all hell had broken lose, the thought that he had to go sit and ponder over a drink for the longest time, traumatised me so. It made me feel small. It made me feel silly.

I feel no more.

What if I wanted to fight - beg for the rest of my life?
What would you do?

Maybe, I wouldn't be this angry if things were placed in its proper perspective. If the unsaid was said out-loud. If the air was cleared and the stand made clear. Maybe it's my fault. Like I said - maybe I'm just being mightily idiotic!

You say you wanted more - what are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

But you know what? For once, when he's gone and done something that actually pisses me off (yes - it was and still is very possible!), I actually decided to say "Heck care! He's gonna bloody know I'm mad!" And I did. In under 450 text characters as well, mind you! That my dearies - is a fact to be darn proud off!

Look in my eyes - you're killing me!
All I wanted was you.

And sitting here, ranting and venting my anger, ignoring the message that says "I'm sorry I handled it wrongly.. PLEASE FORGIVE ME" I've come to realise that I'm actually quite glad things were left the way it was - hanging in the air. Cos lately, after the dust has settled, my lateral thought had finally caught up with me. It would have been yet another big mistake of my life. And it would be one of the worst cos then all my good buddies would have been right to say "I told you so!"

I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change
I know now this is who I really am inside.

I'm done. Done with being walked over like a doormat. What started out as a genuine affection is fast becoming a bitter pill to swallow.

Come break me down - bury me
I'm finished with you

I honestly do not give a rat's arse if you're just across the balcony, the carpark, beyond the stall facing my apartment unit. In fact, I think I shall boldly stand right at my balcony and chain smoke. And I hope you're sitting right where you can look out the shop window and onto my balcony. Maybe then you'll know how pissed off I am with you right now.

But then again, I had forgotten that it's nothing but a game.

Play hard, play fast... Play loose and free.
Play as if there were no tomorrow.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

Whatever. Bottom line is - I'm done.