Translated

I dug around my box of CD and found one that I thought I had lost. *hush* Don't tell anyone but it's in Chinese *wink*

It's music from another life but as I sit here by my desk, willing my brain to shut down so I can go to sleep, I cannot help but wish that I could read and write Chinese characters. For words are not coming to mind sufficiently for me to contain my exhausted thoughts. And maybe these words would help put things into context.

I have my phone shut off, and my messenger is not signed on. The house phone is unplugged and after this, I am going to go sit on my balcony until I fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. I am cut off from the world and it's fine by me for once.

Don't ask me why I'm doing all this. I don't really want to be alone right now, tonight. But I don't really want to be around people as well.

It's ridiculous when one's life swings like a pendulum.. and how one statement can cause it to go in endless circles.

Something's up in the wind. I do not know how else to express it, except with these songs. And I don't want to have to go into any lengthy explanations as to why it is such and it is so.

It. Just. Is.

Now if only someone can help me transcribe and translate these damn songs.

Jeng-ging away the blues

It is now officially T-23 days to when operations start. And as things count down to D-Day, the cans of worms are suddenly being thrown open one after the other.

Each day at the office is now a sun-up till moon-up thingy. I don't think I have ever been involved in something as big as thing. It's thrilling yet extremely scary. And in my 5 months and 3 weeks since assuming this position, I would have to say today is one of the most challenging as one fire came up after the other.

Trust me - I never thought being in management would be this bad. Not to mention, going from one meeting to the other - it is not funny at all.

Once upon a time, I used to dream of holding a position like I do today. Yet I was ready to put a note on my door saying "Wake me up when September ends". In a moment of despair as I worked up the energy to eat my lunch, I ended a mail with an anguished cry, seeking reassurance that I can make it thru this month.

And some 4 hours later, right when we were all ready to give up and say "This is not bloody worth it" and "I want my old job back", I get my break in the form of words borrowed from Gloria Gaynor.

Yes - I am still smiling about it. How can one not - when at the end of a dreadfully long day, week and month, you read these words just:

Come on sing with me.....I will survive......I will surivive....just the chorus bits.....jeng jeng jeng...jeng jeng jeng jeng jeng jeng jeng jengjeng jeng jeng jengjengjengjeng je jeng......*hmmm*..wonder if I got it right ~ the jeng-ing bit..

And with that, even though I have yet to even get started on my proposal paper and presentation which is due to go on in 12 hours, I am going to smile some more then grab 40 winks for about 2 hours.

I can save the world
Since the night you saved me
Maybe I can't save the world
But as long as you believe
Maybe I can save the world

And I know I will find the energy to wake up at 2 a.m., drink my can of Red Bull and get cracking for a proposal that will see little to no objection from my bosses.

Baby all it takes is just a little faith in me
To feel like I can save the world

*smiles* I know it doesn't make any sense. But then again, coming from someone who doesn't sing, it'll do me just fine - this jeng-ging away the blues *grin*

And yes - you're reading this on my blog *wink*

~ Save the World by Bon Jovi ~

Far and away...

A colleague of mine was sharing his thoughts of being away from his family, just to earn a living to put bread on the table. And how after a long weekend back home, his wife broke down after he left.

It brings to mind a time in my life. Not too near in the past, yet not far enough to forget the feeling.

Baby I've been here before

I've seen this room and I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

He was at a loss as to what to do. Cos she was living alone, as a single mum until he came along.

And as I looked at him, torn and broken, holding the phone to his ear while she wept her heart out, all I could think off was this... I never want to go back to that place again.

Never. Ever.

Well maybe there's a God above

But all I've ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

I know I've said before that if we constantly stand out from the rain, we're gonna miss the rainbow. But if we stand out too long, waiting and hoping for the sunshine to pierce thru the rain clouds, casting the rainbow over you, we might just end up with nothing more than a bad cold.

It's not a cry that you hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

It's not easy to let someone in your life. And then find out that when you do, the safety net was one big hollographic picture that you dreamt up one night in some strange sugar-induced dream.

Then you sit up straight in bed, cradle your head in your hands and weep... whispering a broken hallelujah...

~ Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley ~

The Thinking Conundrum

It's raining so heavily tonight.. it has not stopped since I came home. And there's a chill in the air that I cannot shake off. I try to warm myself with candles and lights on all thru the house. Yet, the chill remains...

I don't wanna be adored

Don't wanna be first in line

Or make myself heard

Maybe it's cos I had a strange dream last night. One of blood and gore. Don't know where that came from. But it's one of them that leaves you shaking as you wake up. Or maybe it's cos the whole morning felt off ... and when it did finally feel right, I found myself at a loss as to what to say when there were too many things to be said.

I'd like to bring a little light

To shine a light on your life

To make you feel loved

I have this awful nasty habit of putting myself before other people. And yesterday, I found the same thing happening again. Old habits die hard. And no - I do not need another child, to use the words of a wise white-haired man. And I don't think that's what that is wanted as well.

I lay myself down to make it so

But you don't want to know

I give much more than I'd ever ask for

Why is it that when there is a gazillion things that can be done in this modern world, we always fall back on the tradition, the trusted, the failed ways in which we use to demonstrate what it is that cannot be said?

Will you see me in the end

Or is it just a waste of time

Trying to be your friend?

And why is it that we feel that it is only when we give that we're worth the ground that we're standing upon? Why must the sum of our existence be reliant upon us, having done something, and to do it cladestinely to boot?

Just shine, shine, shine

Shine a little light on my life

Warm me up again

So on this chilly night.. when some warmth would be much welcomed, I wonder if it's too late to say this to myself...

Fool, I wonder
If you know yourself at all
You know that it be could be so simple

Maybe in my trying to not be a shadow on the world, I have made my existence more transient than I had liked it to be. And in that, I had forgotten that transient people are often invisible as well. Not seen, nor felt.

Say a word or two to brighten up my day
Do you think you could see your way
To lay yourself down and make it so?
But you don't want to know

I think in the process of not thinking about thinking, I have managed to confuse myself. And maybe even you. So I really should take heed to my own words.. and stop thinking for once.

Which only leaves one thought..

No, I don't wanna be the only one you know

I wanna be the place you call home

Scary... what "not thinking" can do to one such as me.

And you say that it's good to see me happy like this *grin* Boy oh boy... you're falling a bit out of touch there now *wink*

~ Hamburg Song by Keane ~

The Guiding Hand

prin·ci·ple ~ noun

1. A basic truth, law, or assumption.
2. A rule or standard, especially of good behavior.
3. The collectivity of moral or ethical standards or judgments.
4. A fixed or predetermined policy or mode of action.
5. A basic or essential quality or element determining intrinsic nature or characteristic behavior.

In this day and age, I often wonder what sort of principles guides our lives. Cos as much as we tell ourselves, society has become more or less amoral.

What used to be wrong in the eyes of society, went from being frowned upon to an acceptable norm. If this is the case in our generation, what about the next?

The word principles weigh heavy on my mind this evening, as I watch as dust falls over the skies of the city... It didn't use to bother me. But now it does. Not so much for my lack of it, but for the fact that living by another's set of principles is not the easiest thing to do.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It is. But on the same token, it just drives home the point that I may have fallen into the class of the amoral.

Salvation? Let's see how long it holds out for.

Jimmy Hoffa - not found

I moved out of my parents' house some 6 years ago. And since then, I have moved house oh only about 5 times. And in the 5 times, I have added on boxes to my life. With each change, more things get packed away, deemed never to be opened again.

Since moving into my current place 15 months ago, the boxes have been thrown to one corner of a room and well, it's just been getting a tiny-bit messy. So much so - someone commented the other day - do you have Jimmy Hoffa buried in there somewhere?

So anyways, taking the opportunity of a 3-day weekend, I have decided to empty 'em boxes and face up to what needs to be kept, and the others thrown out. Needless to say, with 2 curious kids on hand, questions of "what's that?" was abound. Some can be easily answered with the word "junk" and some ... well... shall be addressed in the next bit.

We came across old photo albums and Lydia wanted to look at them. I am sitting here, taking a break, trying to put myself in her 6 year old shoes as she looked at pictures of her as a baby, being held by a strange looking man. I cannot tell if she remembers who he is.. but for a spell, I thought I saw a shadow cast over her face. And it was heart breaking to see her try to squeel the memories that are probably very foreign to her.

I guess by putting things in boxes, I may have just been building up another jar full of maggots for my children to address. Which is not my intent. And so, the boxes have been opened, chucked out and things that should be left out in the open are.

I'm glad I did this. To be rid of them boxes and live out in the open once again.

Oh and no - we did not find the body of Jimmy Hoffa *grin* and yes - I do have a reading room now *smiles*

To do or not to do...

The question for today is this:

If you wanted something to move your way, but you know deep down, that for IT to happen, you're gonna have to make some changes first. What would you do?

Would you go ahead and do the needful so as to pave the way? Or do you make a stand and say - I am not meeting you halfway?

.... I suppose it's a question of whether one deems the "sacrifices" that is being called for, as worth the pay-off of attaining what one wants.

I shouldn't think anymore today.