Raison d'être

For the last 2 hours, I have been trying to recall a time when "work was not everything to me". A time when I spoke of things other than work, colleagues and episodes related to work. A time when I spoke of my children, of my house / my home, of what I read, watched and discussed. Apparently, there was a time that I did go through all that. A time when I was "contented". And the timeline was actually defined to me. Yet... I cannot recall any of it.

From my period of "contentment" I can only recall the arguments, the breaking of doors, the yelling, shouting, smashing of the mirror in the hallway and finally the walk-away. From my period of "contentment" I can only recall the discussions of how everything was burning to the ground, and not of the dream-building.

Often, and most particularly lately, I have been wondering what my raison d'être is. I have been lost and adrift since leaving my last employment cos work, to me, was what defines me. I often think that the only aspect of life where I have been par excellence is the aspect of my career. I have failed in almost every other aspect of my life except for my work, that I cling to it like a sailor, clinging to a piece of driftwood in a stormy sea.

It now makes absolute sense to me as to why I have been resentful of this lack of activity at work, lack of need for me to exercise my brain. If my work defines me, then this lack of work translates to me amounting to nothing. This idée fixe has been my greatest fear - that I amount to nothing, and no one. And I have not been able to move on, particularly to the new job, even though I know that great things await me in time to come.

Monday told me within our second conversation that I was fearful. I laughed in his face and my soi-disant instead was that I am someone who knew what I wanted and merely vocal about stating it as fact. I guess I really am transparent. But my friends around me, have grown so accustomed to my "dust-bunny" routine that they no longer state the obvious. And truly, only a stranger would dare to say something like that to my face.

Yet once in a while, one of my friends would catch me by the wrist and lay it to me straight in my face. Someone who is able to see through the sang-froid and get thru my own thoughts to ME. And someone did just that today. I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort on her part but she did have the authority and credibility to do the deed today.

Her words of wisdom includes

1. No one likes to fail but it doesn't help to start out with negativity
2. Reminisce about the past, but you've gone way past that time and mark
3. There's more to YOU than the work you did in the past
4. Someone will come along and make you accept all the things that irritate you

I am not "found" yet. It takes more than one conversation (okay, maybe more than one) to turn me around. But at least, I think I am not so lost either. I will come round to it, soon-ish.

Acceptance will come by some tour de force. And it would be some force of strength on my part for sure, to find that au contraire to what I have perceived to be my only achievement in life, there have been and would be many others as well in time to come.

For the past is gone and nothing can be done about it but to accept, forgive and forget. The future is still waiting to be painted and, if it is in my hands, then it is my carte blanche to determine the shape with which it is to come out.

... If I want to send my kids to a better school, it is for me to determine how my new business contract works out in 2010.

... If I want to be a leader and not a worker, then I must cross the risk boundary that I have caged myself in and pull my thoughts together to better use.

... If I want "contentment" then I have to take the first step in reversing that which started out on the wrong foot.

All the above scares the living daylights out of me. I shudder internally even as I commit thoughts to words. But it is comme il faut.

They say that life shapes you, how you think, makes you who you are. They also say, you assimilate the good and you learn from the bad. Learn so that you do not make the same mistake that others or yourself have made before. It suddenly appears to me, that I have been so focused on the latter that I have foregone all other experiences that are there to teach me. And this is not a way to attain joie de vivre.

It has been a highly productive evening, a thoroughly enjoyable and well-spent one with my best girl, Mandy along the corridors of Suria KLCC.

Author's Note:

This lodgement is laced with French terminologies simply because I have been reading books written originally in the language. And instead of letting the beauty I find in those words go to waste in my head, it is now here for your reading pleasure as well. I hope it helped somewhat in giving my thoughts the depth which I sought.

What a Blur

Okay - I finally got the snooze I have been deprived off. Looking back, I think it was a serious case of restlessness that got to me. Restlessness from the lack of activity. While I have been lounging it off here and there, I guess it had to manifest itself somehow so that I would finally sit up and say "This is So Not Good!"

I can't believe tho' that I have subjected myself to almost 3 weeks of this sitting around and doing nothing very much. This is SO NOT ME!!! And it's gotta come to an end soon. My boss reckons that once August kicks in and we have ten days to get some 40 kids on a Dublin-bound plane, I'd feel much better with myself.

Hello! This is ME we're talking about. The person who got a cafe opened in 24 hours - from architectural hand-over to food-tasting to service-testing to commissioning! If you thought Restaurant Makeover was crazy - you ain't seen nothing yet! So please don't go telling me that putting 40 semi-adults on a plane in ten days is madness. It ain't.

Nonetheless, I guess THAT is something to look forward to, for lack of anything else better to do.

Anyways, I decided today to put my evening to good use - in no particular order:

1. Pick up Monday's birthday present (and it's a bloody good thing I'm getting it 2 weeks in advance cos the modification of it is gonna take 2 weeks!)
2. Go visit Mandy in her house
3. Get the candles for Dad that he requested for
4. Have myself a proper meal for dinner

And now here I am, trying to make some sense of the muddle in this thing we call my head.

It's been a right blur... I even lost count of what day it was today... And I'm not too sure if I should be glad that it's already Thursday tomorrow and the weekend would soon be upon us... Or should I be dreading that the week is coming to an end and... And a new week would soon begin.

I can be at so many other places right now, than where I am. Indeed. But yet, I choose not to. I feel like Vera, the main character in the book I've just finished (The Woman Who Waited by Andrei Makine)... Someone trapped in between space and time... knowingly and willing trapped. For I could have chosen to...

... Stay on in the mad-house with its whirlwind of activities, but in truth, I could do that for the next 4 years and be getting no where closer to my own goals.

... Go sit at some club somewhere with WhiteBoy, drink and talk till the cows come home, but in truth, that would not rid me of the conversation build-up in my head.

... Be at my folks' place, watching my kids watch Dibo the Gift Dragon, but in truth, that would not change their day, any more than me not being there.

... Have dinner with Charlie, and silently watch him try to weasal his way back into my life, but in truth, that would not satisfy the sense of connection that I seek.

See I told ya the mind is a right blur. Maybe a shot of Red Hair would set it right again. But then again... we all know that's not gonna do either. There appears to be one antidote and one only, which itself is a poisoned cup to drink from.

Poision and Cure... Emotions and Logic... Maybe life is a blend of both ... And we just have to take care in the measure which we deal each portion out...

What a blurry mess this task we call Life... If only we had recipe cards for it!

Need Em Zzzzzz's

I have not been able to sleep well for the past 2 nights. It's not to say that I haven't slept in 2 days but rather it was the doze for 30 minutes, lie awake for 90, that kinda thingy. And today it's taking its toil on me - can hardly keep my eyes open.

Seriously - need to get 'em zzzs done in soon-ish!

Quick somebody - slip the valium under the desk right over, wun ya?

I Don't Speak Girl

Yes.. yes.. I know - two postings on one night - On a Monday night from me... WTF?! Precisely that, I would think - WTF?! The American financial markets goes soft, taking with it the Asian markets and I find myself sitting at the noisy cybercafe, blogging away on a Monday night. A tad bit ridiculous ain't it?!

Anyways, the above was not the excuse proferred. In fact, none was except for the mere explanation of "heading out to destination now for two days and back only tomorrow night." But well, when you have heard enough of whinge-ing about work, you get the drift that some shockwave has rippled thru the financial markets. Duty calls.

I am quite determine not to make a fuss out of this whole thingy cos once upon a time, my time was my company's as well ~ recall Valentine's Day 2006 and being summoned to see the Big Boss at lunch, told to go home, grab my bags and passport to fly out in 6 hours to Sydney - while I have lamb marinating in the fridge for dinner!!!

But somehow, I get the feeling that some form of fussing in reply was required... Unfortunately, being quite dumb in this sense, my reply of "Have a good trip" didn't quite cut it cos the conversation ended there with that. Maybe if I tried harder, I could have come up with something along the lines of "Oh shucks! That's horrible news! How is Monday gonna pass on by now?! But have a safe journey and get back soon!"

As WhiteBoy once told me - try and speak girl once in a while. And that has been bugging me the whole day - this concept of talk that I have not appeared to master. And apparently according to this online quiz which I just did - I just don't get it either! *Duh*

Oh sure I can be cutesy-wootsy once in a way.... but unfortunately, it is not in my genetic make-up to whine and pout. I blame it on my mum - the inherited stylings of a fiery unleashing of a slew of burning words that does as they intend - burn and burn right down to the core.

I think, the closest I have come to speaking girl would be "Pat me on the head and tell me you're so proud of me"... but then again, that was seriously aided by like a lot of whiskey! *Hmmm* In reflection actually, that did work cos while he had nothing to be proud of in that instance (in fact, I think he so wanted to wring my neck!), he still said Okay and I got the pat on head.

Where am I going with all this? I'm not too sure actually... Maybe I need a speech guru... maybe I don't... maybe 'this is me' needs to be re-looked and re-examined... Good grief! I can freaking believe this - 32 going on 33 and I've gotta go learn how to speak girl! Makes you kinda wonder how I survived the last 32 years as a girl then eh?

I'll let you be the judge of this kays ~ Can you imagine Barbsie Speaking Girl? Drop me a line either here or anywhere else you know of and lemme know what you think! Seriously!

Author's Note:
And no - the name Barbsie was not the 1st step in that direction - it wasn't coined by me and it is in fact being used simply cos it's not a name that sticks in your head when it comes to me and so is in a way, my pseudonym :o)

Frozen In Time

Fresh off somebody's phone memory card... pics of my last 48 hours with Swiss Concept / Prince Court...And it's only appearing here simply because no one can really believe the egg-flour-curry-wash story!

This was Monday - in the Raw Food Kitchen - before the curry / Maggi-smelling soup came a-raining down on me... Yes - I had a hairnet on and WhiteBoy claims some form of pardon for that bit - of saving the prawn legs from getting in my hair by suggesting I wear I hairnet.

This was the dinner itself. And no, my shirt is not that deep a shade of red! And yes, if my smile looked stiff - well, that's what you get for having some 30-raw eggs pelted at ya.

These pictures - memories frozen in time... which I will call up on my computer once in a while (tho I hope the memory recall doesn't bring with it the smells!!)... just to remind myself that I was once a part of a very big happy family!

Love ya guys bunches!!!

This One's For..

I know.. I know.. Barbsie silence is never a good sign.

I'm still alive.. and kicking... maybe a tad bit harder today than most days.. but then again, if you live outside the city and worked in it today - you'd be kicking as hard as I am, what with the traffic mess that occurred this morning. Talk about insecurities - these people take the cake!

Nothing very much has been happening and so the Shooter has been silent.

The ONLY good news would be - the Bear and I have mended the patch, crossed the bridge, offered-and-accepted the olive branch (or chee cheong fun). And yes, for a Monday - THAT would be THE ONLY good piece of news to broadcast for the day - the REST OF THE DAY.

Seriously - somebody ought to go shoot the dogs at the you-know-where... they are ruining my life is more ways than just blocking the entry points into the city!!! All this political instability - wrecking havoc in waves!

As Lydia has taken to saying ~ "Damn You! Curse You!"

Author's Note:

Please do not question why my 7-year-old is saying phrases like these. I only regulate what they watch from Fridays, 8 pm to Sundays 5 pm. Anything other than that, I should not be held personally liable. And if you are holding me personally liable - Damn you! Curse you!

Pride and Prejudice

Someone's gone and rained on my parade today. This week where it has been going great, with work and with my head. This same week where Monday chilled out longer than he intended to with me cos we just sat and talked while time flew by. This same week where Monday said has been the best week ever and that sleep and rest lost over quality time, was well worth it.

I know I really can't blame the person who did it ~ I honestly believe that he's done it unintentionally, definitely without malice or ill-intent and absolutely with my best interest at heart. HAVING SAID THAT – I'm still seething mad and I cannot deny that feeling.

I carry one solid principle in life – one must work to earn what one has. It's a concept of "deserving” that is idealistic and not quite realistic, I know. Which is probably why people get away with a lot of things and I don't – cos I don't ask for it cos I didn't think I have earned it. Which again is probably why a lot of the simple things in life surprises me.

If I had to state my one biggest challenge in life, it would be to trust someone else and ultimately, my own self. I don't need to tell you that – you have read all the wonderful yo-yo rides I go thru day-in-day-out inside of my head, all revolving around the issue of Trust and its accomplice, Doubt. And this is where my idealistic principle back-fires cos trust has to be given, not earned when it comes to people.

And so I say this to the person who has assigned himself the title of Barbsie's Bodyguard – you have earned the right to be everything else to Barbsie except for when it comes down to the aspect of who has the ability to drive a stake thru me or not. Simply because a year ago, I sat one evening, in Sen's garden, systematically drinking shots and breaking his entire flower pot collection, after finding that you had lied to me, blatantly to my face.

I know that there are good people in this world and that there are bad people in this world as well. I've lived with both kinds, remember? I also know that while we should learn to trust people, it shouldn't be given blindly either. But understand this about me – I'm not even at the point of giving trust blindly! I'm not even close to it. I'm just going, one-day-at-a-time, trying to make sense of my life and where I can take it and where I can't, after all the crap and shit I have been thru.

I'm raging, I know. And I really shouldn't be blogging. I should have stuck to my original intent of going home, turning 30 Seconds to Mars up at full volume and throw back one shot after the other until I resign and sleep on the couch.

But more importantly, I'm hurting cos the one nice thing in my life, you have now gone and made me doubt it to the point I have to put my phone off, and hide it before I drink cos I cannot trust myself to do the unthinkable in my state of unconsciousness.

If I don't say this now, it's just gonna boil and brew and I don't think we should go thru that anymore. I have lost enough of friends simply because disagreements could not be discussed and deliberated. And between you and me, after all the things we've talked about and gone thru, our friendship deserves honesty in its purest form.

So what if it turns out that Monday is nothing but a pretty-face great-guy two-bit lying son-of-a-bitch? I walked into that one with my eyes wide open and so it is nobody's fault and nobody should have their face bashed in. He never painted any paintings of bunny rabbits running in a green field towards a gorgeous rainbow and so if it is less than that, we can only say that Barbsie was went off tangent. BUT on her own two feet.

And so this is said out loud, for which you have no other option but to accept. I TOO can be disappointing in life when it comes to the aspects of "pride" and "self-respect".