Week 3 and counting

It's a long, long month.. and it's not even the middle of it as yet.

I honestly did not think it would be this hard. But in truth, it is. And it's messing with my mind, my sleep, my whole-being. 

Yesterday, as I stepped into the shower, I was thinking ~ "I'm not cut out for this. I'm gonna bolt and run - in the opposite direction. This is far too hard and I do not need to put myself thru this". And I know a whole load of my friends would so agree with me, and be glad that I am seeing their light.

But even if I did see their light and threw in the towel ~ I know deep down, I'd still be walking around feeling as if I'd lost an arm.

Empty Chair

It is official - this house has been warmed with the first family dinner held here tonight. Over a feast so nicely sponsored by kind-hearted souls, 5 adults and 5 kids sat down to a night of idle banter and happiness.

Each time I host my family over to dinner at my place, I feel a pang with that left over empty chair. And tonight, it was more profound as somebody sits down to yet another room-service dinner in a room that has become "home" for 2 weeks running now.

"I am so home-sick and so looking forward to being able to come home soon," said the text message yesterday and I really cannot blame him. 2 weeks away is a long time. And while his home may not really feel like home to him, it's the bigger definition that he's falling back on ~ his friends, his routine of activities and hopefully somewhere in that equation, me.

I wrote on the comment box of a friend of mine when he posted his thoughts of missing his partner, that I wished I had his guts. And it's really quite the laugh ~ especially when my 8 year old can say "Just pick up the phone and dial mummy!"

There are certain lines I will not, dare not cross... a year on in - this is still one of them. And quite possibly, there will always be that empty chair at the other end of the table the next time I sit down with my folks, brother and sister-in-law to dinner.

If only there were some other way...

I want to be next to the one I love.

I don’t care what this will cost me.

I don’t care whether this will do my life good or bad.

I don’t care whether this person loves me or not.

All I want, all I need is to be close to the one I love.

The Good Person of Szechuan

Bertold Brecht

Of Eggs and Bunnies

I am concluding a week of astinence from all forms of meat in my diet. It has more or less reduced me to having one main meal a day but on Day 7 - it doesn't seem to bother me at all anymore.

"Why are you going vegetarian?" asked Mandy earlier on in the week. And it has been something I have been pondering on as I prepare myself for the biggest feast in the Christian calendar of Easter ~ the Resurrection of JC from the dead. Having began this "ordeal" by likening it to the Hindus shaving their heads and breaking coconuts in return for favours asked (Seeking Divine Intervention was how I had put it), I have come to realise that it is not so much of what I am asking, but what I have received so far.

I have always had this up-and-down relationship with my religion. There are days when I am full of praise and then there are days when I could look at the heavens and curse and swear, asking in my loudest voice WHY?! I used to think that if I lived faithfully by His Word, I would be spared all misery and misfortune. But then again, God never promised us an easy life ~ at the core of it, as said by the priest in my church ~ We have to take the good WITH the bad. 

I am currently sitting on a panel of judges for an essay writing competition with the title - The Best Things in Life, and 15 essays in (ranging from an UMRAH pilgrimage, to Money and Internet), I have come to reflect and realise that the Best Thing is Life is the human ability to Adapt, Evolve and Survive. For without these 3 elements, we would never progress or grow. But most important, we would not be Living as we ought to be.

As it was reported in an article today - "Now the professionals of prayer are praying, saying mass. Everybody prays: popes, archpopes, bishops, archbishops, excellencies, eminences, Saint Peter and Saint Paul, and yet Jesus Christ sends us an earthquake," said Francesco Pagani, an aged survivor sitting in one of the emergency camps in Italy's earthquake disaster zone. Reading that line made me want to go up to that old man and say ~ at least you're still alive!

It may sound so self-righteous of me, and I do beg your pardon for having that line of thought. But it is the truth in the end. Despite all the hard luck, pains and suffering, HIS life was indeed spared.

And so as we head towards commemorating the day when a mortal person broke ranks and exposed himself to be God the Son as the be-all-and-end-all way of opening his mortal peers' eyes to his divinity, let us also celebrate the fact that WE are ALIVE today.

May the Peace of the Risen Lord be with one and all this Easter!

Billie's Here

In recent months, you would have read on this lil froggie project that Ben and I have been working on. 

I'm very pleased to say that we're now ready to go to market and you can learn all about Billie at his new home of http://billiebuddies.webs.com

So far, abut 5 people have been invited to view and give feedback on Billie and what we're trying to do with him. Thankfully, each one has been very kind (and forgiving!) in their comments.

We hope to have the products rolled out soonest possible (the one holding back is yours truly ~ person of lil faith and hope!!) but do go on by and take a peek, walk around a bit, have a laugh with a lil green frog. 

And yes - drop me a line either here or there itself, to let me know your thoughts. OR better yet ~ pledge your support!

It's a day I never thought would materialise, all said and done.

In Corners

"You need to let go of the traumas and past hurts," said my dad one fine evening.

As much as I have been the coolest person on earth, I cannot honestly say this two cities thing is not taking a toll on my mental health, even tho I am not going down on any rabbit's holes... I know simply cos when any one says a certain word, or makes a comment ~ my skin starts to crawl, my mind jumps 3 steps ahead and I have to reel myself in before I break and start hyperventilating.

Sigh.. such tragedy...

Missed Days

It's April already. Which means that it's the birthday month - Luke on 18th and Lydia on 27th.

I had wanted to do something special for them as their pressies this year: making them a scrap book that they can keep and flip thru when they feel like it (cos all the photo albums are packed away ~ far, far away.) And so, last night, I sat down to open the box that has remained sealed, to look for a selection of photographs for each of them.

With Lydia, I was spoilt for choice. Even before her 1st birthday, she had already taken enough pictures to fill one big album. And even her baby book was stuffed with all sorts of things - notes, scribbles and more photos.

Luke on the other hand, I have very little to work with. In fact, it broke my heart that our first picture together was only taken at his christening - 4 months after. His baby book hardly has anything written in it ~ I can't even recall when he took his first steps in my effort to "backtrack" data entry.

"How do I go back to then, to do it right for Luke?" I asked Mandy over lunch today. A rhetorical question I know cos obviously I can't go back in time. And even if I could, do I want to?

They always say, the first few months are the most important months in a child's life. Yet, I missed all of that simply cos I was there yet not quite there. Mandy and mum tried to assure me, it really wasn't all my fault ~ this lapse of memories for my lil boy. "You were grieving" was how Mandy phrased it. But it's no consolation.

Luke between 3 and 6 months

For him to have those cherub cheeks in the photo above, I can stake no claim of pride. For without Mum, he would still be the longbean at that age as he did at birth.

I can only hope that as time passes, I can make amends to this young man, who is above average in intelligence and maturity for a kid his age.

Luke aged 5 and 9 months

Obviously *Duh*

o⋅pin⋅ion ~ noun

1. A belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.
   
2. A personal view, attitude, or appraisal.
   
3. The formal expression of a professional judgment
   
4. A judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.
   
5. A favorable estimate; esteem
   

It is my opinion that each person likes to believe their point(s) of view can stand some amount of validation; that if they had to take their stand on it, their opinion would prevail.

However, we all know that sometimes in life, opinions can be unwelcomed. Be it cos the receiver is doing the ostrich thingy of sticking their head in the sand, or simply cos hey - truth hurts and opinions can sometimes be merely stating the obvious.

I have been reading (due to thumbs being sore from idle twiddling) this online forum and one particular post caught my eye. The situation is one that a number of girls would likely go through in life. But honestly, reading the thread of thoughts on display, it brings me back to the phrase from the Bible - Let him who has not sin, cast the first stone.

And it got me thinking - it was not a posting placed, asking for your opinions. It was a posting placed, asking for help, for possible solutions. If you have neither - keep your bloody thoughts in your own head for Christ's sake! Often people state what comes to mind, without first going back to the baseline - define the operative and go on from there. 

The next time someone says to you - HELP, let us try and keep in mind that they are asking for our help, not our judgements. And we'd do best keep our judgements to ourselves, and offer solutions as asked.