No Sanctuary

It is a bad foreign relations week. If I were an embassy, I would have the doors shut, the staff sent home and a sign saying "No sanctuary here."

I have literally unraveled at the seams at this goodwill, good karma building section. It has been such a long time since I've been here - this dark and twisted side that I've forgotten how to deal with it. Thus allowing it to brew, stew and fester like an untreated sore.

Truth be told, I really have no real reason to be here. But I can't muster the will to get out of here as well. 

Though I know I should - I'm burning bridges one day at a time, keep this up and soon there'll be none left.

Though I know I should - I'm right back at saying things in a manner that is meant to slice, dice and severe.

Though I know I should - I'm running away from persons who are important to me, persons capable of pulling me out, because somewhere in this pea sized brain of me, I seem to lay the fault at the doors of these same people.

If you've never been here, and if trying hard to comprehend what it is I mean - I'm sorry to say, you're the last person I would wanna help. Not when it feels difficult to breathe - literally. Not when I can envisage a vice, tightening its grip around my heart, making my chest cavity feel about as big as a 25 ml jam jar.

My dad once told me, in a distant memory flashback, that if I thought I needed to talk to someone, I should. If I thought I was going slightly off my meter, I should not be afraid to come out and say I need help.

I laugh at this memory (when he said it exactly, I cannot recall) cos right now, if I allowed myself to speak - to anyone, I am very sure that the words to come out would be this: 

Tell me what my use to you is - cos that's all I am here for ~ to be of some personal use to you. Best you tell me now so I can jot it down in my "What's Barbs good for" lil black book, which I can then use to justify my meager existence in this place we call world, and perhaps feel slightly good about myself.

And apart from me talking to a professional, another poor, kind soul is going to get hurt - see I told you things are meant at this very point to drive right thru.

Which is probably why the RSS feed to my Facebook page has been removed. Cos I cannot bear having persons, seemingly my friends, read this and go "Oh wow - she's really gone off her rockers!" Though I really shouldn't care who judges me - your opinion is not the sum of my existence. My use to you is.

I wish I can just get to the bottom of this devil's cauldron in a flash. So that the only other way out is up.

Or maybe solitude is the answer - that way, no one comes near enough for you to stay abouts long enough to be of any use.

Julia wants to be on her own

Sharing her thoughts, she is all alone

Dreaming of the things she wants to be

Where Julia dont belong

Dress For The Best

My friend Al, a male 30-something made this comment on his Facebook today: "If young adult fashion trends continue on this path, soon all colleges will be built next to the sea: can't run a nudist beach without sand, can you?"

And I fully concur with Al - though my opinions extend beyond the college environment. Take a look around you - be it in the office, in a place of worship, in a restaurant / cafe / mamak, in a shopping mall. Don't you think people no longer have any sense of what is appropriate and what is not anymore when it comes down to their dressing?

The number of people falling into the sensibly kitted out category seem to be no longer the majority ~ I mean it would be that the fashionistas and the walking-closet disasters were the top 10th and bottom 10th percentile, with everyone else falling in between. But we appear now to be the middle 20% only!

And you would think with the Internet and so many fashion magazines and articles being easily available and affordable these days, people would be able to develop a common sense when it comes to dressing!

Perhaps every establishment should do as the churches do these days: Boldly display what is appropriate and what is not.

Perhaps then people would start wearing the right clothes THAT project the right image, NOT ONLY FOR THEMSELVES but the establishment that they represent - either by virtue of working there, or being there.

After all, the office is not the wet market, nor is it the set for Madonna's remake of her music video for Holiday or Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

Fussing

I am 34 years, 1 week and about 4 days old and I have 2 friends who still owe me my pressie. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't insisted on my part, but volunteered on theirs. And it's nothing fancy - just dinner (or lunch) which is an excuse or reason for us to catch up.

The LegalBeagle has claimed that there is a 30 day 'mourning' period - so yeah, boy I shall hound you for our feast at La Bodega after the 28th of this month.

But the Bear - the Bear is a whole different kettle of fish. Cos the Bear has just cancelled on me AGAIN for the 2nd time on this account.

Now traditionally, I would let it slide. But in truth, I cannot be asked to reply his text of "Heya Barbsie, got late mtg today so gotta cancel dinner. Sorry yah." cos it's well and truly getting to be an old ruse. 

Add to that, the Bear is the same person who kicked up a fuss when I said I was having dinner on the actual itself with the folks at home cos mum was in recuperation and it was Friday - the day my kids come home. After laying it on to me as to how it has been a tradition since we became friends, and that I could go pick up my kids after instead ~ it is indeed upsetting to think that I have been cancelled on not once but twice.

And I know I'm stirring up massive beef here but hell - my tv's broken so it's allowed - he used to chastise me for 'making excuses' for a certain someone when they had to work late and call in a rain check. I'll have you know - at least said person had the decency to be really sorry for standing me up at those times, which is more than a "sorry yah".

Perhaps Bear is assuming that as one of his good friends, I should know better how crazy his schedule can get. But he is also forgetting that good friends don't always stay that way unless some effort is made on BOTH sides to keep the friendship as it is - which is good.

As Mandy says - don't put your plans on hold until you are sure he's on his way. I'd really hate to say it out loud but there is a whole lot of truth in what Mandy says.

So yes Bear - I am officially mad with you this time and you can keep the griddle pan with its red ribbon for yourself. It should really be the last thing you give me - I might just clobber you on the head with it till kingdom come!

*Hrumph* Hell hath no fury like that of a girl denied her dinner!

Darn - It's Just a Box!

I often marvel at the many things in my life that I take for granted. And today, the one thing I shall contemplate upon is this wonderful box, that comes in various sizes, called the television.

Since it exploded on the scene back in the 1930s, the tv or telly as some calls it, has become a must-have in almost every home, with some homes having more than 1 or 1 in every room of the house ~ I should know cos that was what we had when we moved from JB to KL over a decade ago - a telly for the each of the 4 persons living under the same roof.

Over the last month or so, I have been wondering why the picture didn't seem to fit the screen of my LG anymore. For starters, I had the thought that the kids have been fiddling with the remote and zoom settings. Yet, the 'N' in AXN never did seem to wanna be seen no matter how I adjusted the darn thing.

Needless to say, because I went to an all-girls school, we did not have the lesson that all guys seem to have where the mechanics of electrical and mechanical items are explained in detail. So it didn't occur to me that my trusty set of 9 years was on the verge of blinking out of me. And blimey it did with a lil soft *poof* to boot!

So yeah, the goggle box in the house has died and my dilemma is that no one seems to wanna repair it. Sure, I can get a brand new one for about RM 250 more than what I would pay for the repair. But that doesn't mean that I should go do it just because! I did pay over a grand for my 29 incher and hell, no way am I gonna throw it out just like that!

But all said and done, and after one evening alone at home, my conviction and my stubbornness is failing me ~ the sound of the cars from the highway just on the yonder is not going to sustain my sanity.

Try as I might to tell myself I am not missing Monday night lame-o reruns on all the Astro channels, I am missing the ritual of tucking my feet under me and channel surfing while eating my dinner. I am missing the noise of different voices coming from it even though it's outside in the living room while I tap away on the computer. I am missing the silly remarks and witticism that some hosts spew out, giving me legitimate reason to talk to myself or laugh out loud alone.

Darn it that it's just a freaking box! But it sure has left a gapping hole in my day, and no amount of Facebook games or reading is gonna make up for it.

Barbsie without her telly is just making for trouble.

Wonder Boy

Luke shocks me to no end with his thinking process.

His latest - to buy loads of oranges, cook them down and sell orange syrup for cordials (he's taken a liking to orange squash drinks lately.)

It's not so much how he is thinking of ideas on making extra monies that blows me away... it's his implementation process thought out that is causing this jaw to drop.

He reckons we can sell them at the junction corner to my mum's house - there's always a traffic jam there and people can buy stuff while they wait for the lanes to move.

And he reckons that he could sell them at the following prices:

1) 1 bottle = RM 15.00

2) 2 bottles = RM 20.00

3) 3 bottles = RM 25.00

Packaging it on the principles of economies of scale? From a 6 year old? Hell - I know some adults who would go blink blink blink when I even mention this principle!

My son - the wonder boy!

Rainbow Chaser

"I hope you're alright with this, that you're comfortable with it cos I am. And that's why I'm gonna be around for a very long time.. cos I'm the sort who chases rainbows."

Perhaps I was off-form. Perhaps I was dog-tired. It did not deign to register in my pea-sized brain to ask "Just what IS a rainbow chaser?" Which is probably why I'm here at my desk, still in my work clothes, trying to figure it out from the various pages that come up.

And what are my deductions so far? I'm not too sure...

The one site cites that chasing rainbows is the act of trying to achieve something that is not possible or practical. Pray tell which bit is impossible or impractical? 

*Barbsie goes into a deep frown*

Another tells me that it is another way of keeping grounds for feeling hopeful about the future. What's so bad about now that there has to be the feel of hope about the future? 

*Barbsie's frown gives way to a raised eyebrow*

Kermit on the other hand, sings that he's heard it too many times to ignore it - There's something that he's supposed to be. Which is quite the possibility, impossible dreamer that you are.

*Barbsie drops the arched brow and returns to the comforts of a deep frown*

I know I can find the answer to my un-asked question, somewhere in all of the above. Why it's escaping me right now could likely be written down to the fact that I'm tired, my latest book weighs heavy on my mind and I'm quite awed by the fact that you too can sprout profound idioms of sorts!

As for why I'm not taking the easy way out of sending a text out asking just what is a RC, I suppose it would be cos I know the recipient would feel somewhat let down - that I'm not exercising my usual route of wonderment, reflection and self-deduction. Where would the fun and intellectual stimulation be, if one cannot count on me being me?!

And while I am still going in a bit of circles on what's been said, I'm already getting ahead of myself by formulating a delayed answer of sorts. I might not have all of it yet but I do know this much: A rainbow, can only be visible when the sun, the observer's eye, and the center of its arc are be aligned. 

Which element are you hoping to shift into position, so that your chase comes to an end?

Earth Calling Angels

I have always pondered on the wisdom that couples, in a failed relationship, hold on to ~ keeping up a farce of a marriage when clearly neither is happy. I have always felt that it would be far better for both to part ways, give life a second (or third or fourth or n-th) chance to get it right. 

Spen/S$~rKC time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there's always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it's hard at the end of the day

Some have mentioned that they stayed together for the sake of the children. And as a parent myself, my argument has always been - Don't you think the children has eyes to see what's happening, and ear to hear it as well?

Yet, the last few days have made me re-think my position on this whole issue from a completely different perspective. A re-thinking process that has been shared only with a few, trying to find perspective on an old issue; an issue that I wish I could leave as sleeping dogs lie. But as BFF Mandy says: it never ends.

I need some distraction

oh a beautiful release

memory seeps from my veins

let me be empty

oh and weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight

And I don't think it would end anytime soon. Despite some well-meaning advice from experience to give a time-frame as to when "all would be revealed", I know this child. She, like her mother, would not have the inner patience nor peace to wait till she's 21 (tho I think in this day and age, 16 would be more like it!) 

So tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there's vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

you keep on building the lies

that you make up for all that you lack

In all honesty, if I thought I could find all the right words, string them in the correct sequence, with its appropriate punctuations, that if I did all that and she at 8 would understand, I would not wait another 8 years. Cos there is nothing worse than a mother walking on egg-shells with her child. 

It don't make no difference

escaping one last time

it's easier to believe 

in this sweet madness oh

this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

But what else is there to do ~ When some distant memory creeps its way to the forefront of her mind, giving her snippets of conversations, quick stills of images from a time now gone? When her surroundings get the better of her carefully created sanctuary, bringing her (and me) to her knees, wanting to know why is it that everyone else has one, but she doesn't? When a normal Friday movie night ends in shreds, simply cos you picked the wrong movie (Mama Mia!) and under-estimated the power of a song (Winner takes it all) that has moved adults to tears, to not affect a child?

I suppose those who have or are living in my blatant and harsh categorisation of a farce of a marriage have more foresight than me. Cos for a child, regardless of how dsyfunctional it may be, it is far better a position to be in, than to have none.

I never thought I can say this: if I had known that this tale would not come to its own end, many years later, I would have gritted my teeth, swallowed all the emotional poison and just put up with it all, come hell and sunder. Never mind that I would probably feel like crap everyday for the rest of my life, so long as my doh-doh feels that her world is right, and at peace. I would have sucked it all up.

But I cannot turn back time. And I know that this caving in of regrets is only cos I am at my wits end and the 'end' is the truth, for I am drafting an email to a colleague in Ireland who happens to be a retired psychiatrist, asking for professional advice.

If I believed firmly in angels, I would call upon her Guardian Angel - to nurture, counsel and heal... I would call upon the Virtues - to bring the answers she and I both seek in words of love... and I would call upon the Seraphims - to bask her in the illuminating light and love of the Almighty.

For Lydia is aching and slowly breaking, despite all the nets that we have weaved around her and there is nothing more in my power that I can do except to hold her as her tears gush forth but to deliver her to the angels.. so that she may find some comfort there...

In the arms of the angel

fly away from here

from this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverie

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort here