The Ballad of a Bitter End

I had no idea how words, made up of 26 lil squiggles could bring about such pain.

I had always thought that to write it all down, was to expunge the psychological tumours before it consumed you.

A Glass full of Bitter has turned out to be a can full of worms.

So fine - I went and probably pushed the envelope... I made the jump. And yes, there was a bloody ferret at the bottom. So take a gun and shoot me. Trust me - you'll be doing me a favour right now cos I do so wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

For I've gone and done it again. Not say what is meant to be but the complete opposite. I sat and waited, knowing that somewhere there is a shoe waiting to drop. And because I cannot stand the wait any longer, I pulled at the string till it broke. Just so the bloody thing would fall.

So you think my silent friend would resign from being one of my boys when he's read A Glass. And that you saw this coming.

And you - you think you should just stay away for my sanity's sake? And you rail at me for not letting you read it, when I allowed the rest of the world to.

Is everyone so pre-occupied with having their say that what I say no longer has meaning or place?

I'm tired. Tired of walking on eggshells.. broken glass and everything else.

I'm tired of being there for everyone when they fuck up royally, yet having only Mandy to turn to when I fuck up.

If I had more guts, I will climb the rail and jump. And even with broken limbs, I would get back up into my apartment, and jump again. Until I can get back up no more.

That is the state of my mind right now.

But who gives a shit. This is just my ballad of a bitter end. And I'm singing it alone. Cos there's no one else about.

It's now a broken mirror.

Do you see what I see?

A glass full of bitter

I have so many things I want to blog about today. And it’s only half past 11 on a bright and sunny Saturday morning. I have my rum mix next to me, a glass half empty and I have Jared Leto screaming his lungs out on my stereo, saying “Don’t save me, cos I don’t care, cos I’m not okay.”

I should have a spring in my step. After all, when I woke up this morning, I realized that a chap that I have great levels of affection for actually does have some ounce of honour in him. For he knew where to draw the line and bring truth to the statement he once made about friends with benefits, which was “One must know where to draw the line.” So yes, it doesn’t matter that some truths were omitted in the beginning, maybe there really was nothing very much to tell.

And I have a house-warming to go to. The house where I am supposed to live in, in a perfect Happy Family scenario. It’s not a really big house. The last house we lived in was much bigger. But this has a garden. And we had even planned to buy the children bicycles so they could cycle in the yard. We had even talked about the parking configurations for an oh-too-short driveway.

And I have tea-time plans with Grover, which would be a good laugh, if not for anything else.

But yet, I am sitting here, with tears running down my face and drinking mug after mug of Bacardi cos I can and I so desperately want to.

A song comes to mind…

I'm right back where I started, when it comes to wanting you,
I can't have what I wanted
But I did, I can, I was, I am,
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind, , If love's a drug
It always is, It always was and
Love was surely made for fools like me

And I laugh as I sing out loud to it. Cos you once commented that I have this dual personality. And you said it so correctly – “One side that puts on this defense mechanism and you express it as and when you think you need to, to avoid the past to repeat itself. But then there's another side to you...one that is the total opposite... the hopeful side that put the tag line love was surely made for fools like me.”

And you were so right then, as you are now. And I wonder if you came to these conclusions yourself, or did I push you to it?

My girl-person said to me yesterday that we are runners. But we keep coming back. And I hate it. That we kept coming back. I would be equally contented to sit on my balcony, with mug in one hand, and fag in the other, looking into nothing cos then I know that I will never fade away.

I once said in another blog life the following words:

It's no longer a question of having hope. For what good does hope hold when you're not the one saying when, saying who, saying how.

It's now a question of me stepping up to the plate and going after 110% what I want, what I think I deserve. What I know is rightfully mine.

I say WHEN.
I say WHO.
I say HOW.

I don’t know what I want, so it’s bugging the hell out of me. I don’t know if there is something out there, that I want to pursue to the ends of the earth. And when I lose that battle, I will at least be contented in having tried. But because I don’t know… I dangle like a yo-yo.. back and forth, up and down. I don’t have a When, Who nor How.

Last night didn’t have to end feeling as empty as it did at 1 in the morning. But as I drove back from work just now, I can’t help but wonder if I would be feeling any worse this morning after, if I had indeed again had the chance to hold you in my arms, tight as if the rest of the world didn’t matter.

It’s no longer a game. I know that for a fact now. No once drives across the valley and town just to get me for dinner I’m an independent girl and you know it. You know you could have asked me to meet you there and I would not throw a fuss. It throws me off when you say the company was well wroth the drive and effort and that if I missed that fact, you don’t know what else to say.

I also asked once.. Have you ever been a situation where you are destined to meet someone but not fated to be together? Like the invisible hands somehow brought the both of you together but the circle is meant to be left three-quarters complete only. And try as you may to make the circle smaller so that maybe, it would come round by itself... it does not happen.

My life is fast becoming a ridiculous joke of fate – everything coming almost close to a circle but never quite.

~ Pause ~

You just rang. A burst of sunlight and salvation thru my dark hour. It was to check if I had fixed my one broken headlight. I cannot remember anyone else who would actually take such pains to nag me for 2 weeks to get a light fixed. Nor can I remember anyone else who would think to wish me luck for a silly, simple presentation that brought on a migraine attack.

My best buddy asked me the other day ~ why is it that despite everything that you’ve done wrong, I still continue to associate with you.. and sound so happy doing so. Well Pups – I am plain sucker for pain. That’s all I am going to say about that.

DAMN IT! This wasn't supposed to happen!

It was suppose to be nothing more than a game, between you and me. And it didn’t have to be said out loud, cos we both know the rules and neither was suppose to have crossed the line. But well Stan, I’ve dog-gone and done it, by golly me! I'm suppose to be still standing on the edge of the bungee platform, or maybe after standing for so long, still at the edge of it, still wondering to jump or not to jump.

WHO PUSHED ME?! Did you? Or was I so lost in my own thoughts of don'ts that I fell without realising?

~ Pause ~

I just love my girl-persons. They say the wisest words. Some of the things said just includes:

Barbs – we both know that no matter how hard we try not to do the things we say we won’t do, we end up doing it anyway. And when the weight of being crushed actually becomes a reality, you hole up, drink, cry and blog.

Barbs – you choose to leave the house. Remind yourself then as to the reasons you did what you did. And if you can't find happiness today, there's always tomorrow.

~ Pause ~

Alas, in this modern world where the rat race is suppose to wear one down to the point that you ought to have someone at home waiting for your key to turn in the door, and water you up like a dying wilting plant.

I suppose that's where I am different.

Sure, I would love to come home at the end of a long day and have my aching feet massaged. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle me up like I'm a soft teddy bear. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to go to tescos to help me pick what fabric softener we want our clothes to smell off.

But all that doesn't guarantee that I would go to bed at night a lot more satisfied with my station in life, nor would that it guarantee that the wary days end. If there's one thing I have learnt in my wee dreary life of broken hearts and broken dreams, it's that I want guarantees. No more playing around, wearing my heart on a sleeve.

And because a life of guarantees would mean developing expectations… and expectations inadvertently leads to heartache, we shall remain as we are. Back right where we started.

~ Pause ~

I have expanded all I have to expand. My neighbours must think I’m crazy. To be crying tears of anguish in the middle of the day…

You had no idea that I was so freaking drunk and trying to maintain my composure in front of you, just so you don’t know the kind of mess that goes on in my head. And how much I need it to be raining, so that I can go and walk around my complex, trying to gain perspective.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, boys

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe…

Life for people like me will always be as it is. One big giant circus with all the acts coming on at the same time. They say that a clown is saddest with their painted faces.

I feel like a clown.

And it is so apt that the song Throw it all away by Brandi Carlile comes on my lil black box.. and it goes..

When you're near me I have no fear

When I'm untrue you see right through me

You know me as deep as the sea goes

Calm my head whenever the storm blows

In my restless hour I'm holding

The words you say that lay my soul to sleep

I dream of buildings that burn

The sky turns black I toss and turn

When the stars, and the moon

And the sky, fall through

I'd throw them all away when I'm hollow

Deep as the sea goes, all I know is

I would throw it all away...away

~ Pause ~

You’re online now.. and we’re discussing the virtues of a hug. And I’m laughing thru the tears. And I am asking you questions I would normally never do. But I do it anyways.. cos I would throw it all away.. And you're saying that I'm acting weird and different.. and I try to cover it all up.. but alas, I do the truth about the apple juice..

Why? Tell me why?

~ Ends ~

Lame-o

My words are failing me.. and I was once so full of them, rich ones that evoked the heart and the soul...

And because my words are failing me, I have to rely to what I once had..

This was posted over a year ago on another blog life..

Did not make it thru as what i had set out to do yesterday evening. All that's left of me this morning is a dried out Barbsie, with a nasty hangover and the knowledge that i had to take my medication at the end of it all.

Did i disappoint you my friend now that you know Barb is not as strong-willed as you thought she would be? That when it rains too hard, she gives up walking in the rain and seeks shelter even though she is already soaked thru?

I am but another human being, just like you. And when the pain gets too bad, and the cries becomes the tear-less sort, I look for my medication just like any other person would.

Stand there and judge me all you want. Stand there and chastise me till kingdom come. I am sorry if i had disappointed you.

I just asks that you give me time.. time to rehabilitate myself. For once, I do not want to go thru pain without taking pain killers. Nor do I want to trade one addiction for another. So let me go thru the motions of someone whose sands of time is running out, and just let me live and .. let leave.

It's strange that something written over a year ago, still applies today... Goes to show, one never really changes...

Realisation

I realised tonight that I have a lot of pride. And I have a lot of fear. And as much as I resist having traits of my cultural roots, I place a lot of emphasis on "saving face".

It's a lot for a girl with a spinning head to come to conclude.

I stood on my balcony and looked up at the full moon just. And as I was looking at it, a breeze blew a patch of dark clouds by and it covered up my moon.

I wish that I had better things to do with my time, other than ponder over the state of life.

Why?

Why is it that each and every time I try to do what I have to do... to put aside what my heart tells me not to... you have to go make me smile.. and laugh..?

Why...?

Please tell me why... cos it's fast rising from a whisper ... to a scream.

Life ~ According to Granny Sugars

Granny Sugars believed in bargaining with God; that he was that old rug merchant.

And according to Granny Suagrs

1. God expects to be conned more often than not, and HE would be a good sport about it. But only if you con him with charm and wit.
2. If you live your life with imagination and verve, God will play along - just to see what outrageously entertaining thing you'll do next.
3. God will cut you some slack ~ IF you are astonishingly stupid in an amusing fashion.

But you must never do hard to others in any serious way ~ you'll cease to amuse HIM if you do so.

Granny Sugars is definitely a wise-woman, even if she's a fictional character.

And largely, I do believe Granny Sugars is right. How else can I account for the way life is today *grin*

NB: Granny Sugars is mentioned in the book Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz.

Crazee Crazy

In a fit of utter madness, the following was written and sent:

I have decided that you shall ask me anything you want .. about "cards" or anything else and I shall answer without hesitation, without fear of judgment and the likes of it. Even this short email.

WHAT in heaven's name was I thinking of to have gone and done a "Barbsie-laid-bare"?!

Oh well... it is done...