Broken Crackers

crude ~ adjective

1. Being in an unrefined or natural state; raw.
2. Lacking tact or taste; blunt or offensive
3. Characterized by uncultured simplicity; lacking in sophistication or subtlety
4. Not carefully or skillfully made; rough
5. Undisguised or unadorned; plain

I've got crackers to break this morning for I have just gotten a remark in reply that is so crude I am in a state of utter disbelief! But I guess that's people for you ... shooting their mouth off when they can think of nothing else to say.

Here's a hint - Next time stop at "I'm cool" or I'll even let you borrow my signature "No biggy". Freaking "am not animal" doesn't cut the same effect.

Yes, I am cheesed off and you can bet your bottom dollar that I will say something about it, once I get my wits about me.

And if you think it floats my boat, such language - I'll freaking break your crackers the next time I see you.

Look left, look right

re·al·i·ty ~ noun

1. The quality or state of being actual or true
2. One, such as a person, an entity, or an event, that is actual
3. The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence
4. That which exists objectively and in fact

Here I stand alone with this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Well I tried but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

It is a harsh morning of stark realities. Not entirely on my front lawn but painful nonetheless. And no one is to blame for this. It is just one of those lil dark clouds that would roll in unannounced and pour as heavily as it can over your head, catching you unaware.

I told a dear friend this morning in not so many words this morning that he would never likely get what he wants out of life right now cos he's not ready to make that change. To accept that it's one of those 3-in-1 coffees - just add water. And I wish I wasn't the authority on the subject-matter.

Many roads to take
Some to joy, some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

I heard from Whites over email a few days ago. And he told me to drop Ben and find a good guy. My reply to him: He is a good guy. A great guy. And a number of people agree with me. Garlic just told me last night that he sounds like a fantastic guy for running by me what I thought of him taking a job in Singapore, and how that would affect this so-called-form of "us".

I may have accidentally evaded having to answer that question. But even if I was conscious about what it was he was asking, I would not have given him the answer to it. Not because I am less than honest, or hiding under the carpet next to the dust bunnies. But because there is a bigger picture that has not been drawn into the scene. And that bigger picture would be of Lydia and Luke.

And it would always be primarily Barbsie, Doh-doh and Lukey, no matter what. Should someone else want to be part of the scene, they have to acknowledge that the leading stars would always be these two. We would be merely supporting actors with quite possibly our own spin-off. But in the main show, it would always be them and it is not something up for debate or discussion.

Garlic always tells me that it is never easy for another guy to accept someone else's children to be his own. But it doesn't mean it cannot happen. It has and quite possibly one would be blessed enough to see that happening in our own backyard as well.

But for now, if you ask me why this whole Monday-thing is still in limbo: I would tell you it's because I know the harsh realities of life. He cannot give me any more than what is on the table and I know better than to ask for pain by wanting more than.

I do not want to go thru yet again what I have gone thru before. Even hearing of someone else being in that position right now just rips my guts out. And I do not want to put someone I love thru what another that I care very much about is going thru.

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed ... If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

Life and love is hard enough as it is on its own. What more when one tries to simplify it by going the route of Instant Coffee? Yes, it's called being scared and scarred. Yes, it's called being defensive. But someone's gotta draw the line and be the protector at some point in life. Unfortunately, the role almost always falls onto one and it is the one who does not speak of what goes on inside of their head but sit on their balcony and be very, very still.

Cos there is nothing else that we can do when we are in the position of looking right to love and joy, and to the left with love and sorrow. The right and left hand claps and we're caught in the middle.

What If
Kate Winslet

Mahogony

Ben once told me an average human being only has about 15% of his entire life to do the things he likes to do, i.e. time for him or herself. A vast majority of his life would be spent working. The remaining time would be spent between time in the bathroom, time sleeping and time traveling.

Now, assuming a person lives to age 70, which would be a grand total of 613,200 hours. 15% of that would be 91,980 hours to yourself. At that time when he shared this “discovery” of his, he seemed quite contented to have only about ninety-thousand hours of his entire lifetime, doing the things he liked to do which was play ball and hang out with his mates.

Yet, the last few months has just been so crazy, ninety-thousand hours don’t seem to be enough for him anymore. And this was a position I didn’t ever think I would see him arrive at.

I once wrote that there are “so many definitions and so many interpretations of 4 lil alphabets. Seen the same way via the calendar and the many variations of time-keeping equipment, yet different in each person’s mind’s eye.”

I have friends who envy me for having so much time on my hands these days. They wished they were in my shoes – working the requisite 9-to-5 and having the full weekend off. I in turn, listen to their stories of “chaos” and “crisis” at their workplaces with droll running down my lips. Go Figure! It’s not to say that I do not appreciate having a more laidback life these days. I do. I have time to spend with my kids. I have time to read and still sleep. But I didn’t get here by accident.

I have done my time – 5 years of it – and so I count it that I am now reaping the fruits of my labour. I have been at the beck-and-call of my bosses. I have dashed out the door on important dates and not looked back in that instant, but regret it till kingdom come later on. I have decided that was not a life and I am done with it.

Al once said that “Time management isn't about time or management. It's about knowing what's important in life.” It is not merely the physical consciousness of the moving of hands on the face of the clock. It’s about being there In.The.Moment with another.

While I miss my 16-hour days, 4 pm lunches at the desk and 10 pm dinners eaten like a zombie, I know that all that I achieved in those hours, cannot make up for hearing my kids squeal with glee as I walk thru my parent’s front door. The energy I give up in dealing with customers and staff, cannot equate to the pleasure I derive from wiping down the house with L&L on a Saturday morning or being the tow-truck in the pool on a Sunday afternoon.

I quite like seeing things clearly, as one does when one is not harried. I quite like having my mind uncluttered so that when people speak, I am truly listening and not making a mental list of what needs to be boxed off the next day at work. And I suppose that is what Ben (and perhaps maybe even the Bear) has come to realized.

But if a change is to be taken, no one can force their hand to it. It is something that each of them must consciously decide to take up and do. Cos people like us – we’re not built like the cashier or the dvd seller. And thus the effort to free up more time for ourselves, to tip the scale towards a simple life, is much harder to achieve.

You have to decide that watching the sun go down outside of your office space is something you wanna do – on an almost daily basis. It’s kinda like quitting smoking – if you ain’t got the will-power, you’re only gonna end up stressing yourself out and smoking even more. And then you’d be left with solo papayas that dry up and become prunes.

So here's my question for the day: Is this just stemming from the frustrations you're feeling from being caught in the eye of the tornado, or have you reached a pivotal moment where you will change the way your life is, for the better?

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life's been showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Is the trade-off going to be good enough for you? Cos if it ain't - I'd suggest you leave it as be then.

Theme from Mahogony
Diana Ross

Ask and Ye Shall Receive?

A whole lot has been blogged about. But seeing how it's a Tuesday, none of them have been the post-Monday type posting.

Lying here with you, listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face

For the better part of the day, and the whole of last night, I have been stuck in a place inside my head. A place that was both happy and sad at the same time.

Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me

What was once a grey area, has either 1) gotten murkier or 2) gone clear. I can't decide which it is, though 33 years of living tells me it's gone the way of the latter only to reach the infamous Barbsie dam.

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life

It wasn't suppose to go this way. Well, there was hope but there was also the negativity. And now that we are there, I do not know what to do with it. If I was an actor, the critics would write it up as a severe case of stage-fright. Monday's writing it off to me being me.

These are the moments I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this

I can sit and tell the Bear - he's got a lil London Tube gap going on over there in his life, yet I cannot take my own medicine. And I've got a much better gap than the Bear has. I got the 'directive' in the form of "Don't move too far cos I'm the one who has to drive." Errr... *Duh*

Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true

I also got the Question! Well, not the question that all of you are probably thinking, but it doesn't fall into Garlic's definition of "nice and easy" ones as well. And I think I aced that one, given it was THE MODEL answer, except that it was the model answer for a different examination board.

I could not ask for more than this time together with you
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you, here with me

So yeah... grey area is not quite so the grey anymore. Doesn't mean I am pure happy and accounted for. And it doesn't mean I am any less frustrating, to both Monday and my own reflection. I'm exasperating I know. But if you have made so many mistakes in life, you really don't wanna make another. And so we sit and do nothing. Say nothing. But hope and pray that we're showing everything that's gone un-said.

Maybe I should just make life easy. Not say anything but do what I have always done before with the men in my life - send them a link to The Shooter and let em read all about it! Cos I really can't think of any other way or a possibility where I could sit down, look him in the eye and say the right answer to the right exam....

I found all I've waited for
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I think I shall go home and sleep on it... And yes, I can hear what you're saying - I'm thinking too much!

... Eventually, I'll round to not doing that and listen to you, kays?... but not right now.

I could not ask for more
Edwin McCain

Wave Back Dad!

The Shooter entered new territories today and I am proud and pleased to see it come to this stage. It hit a record number of hits today, and it's pretty much thanks to one new reader, who I am surprised to see, interested to follow the links and read on.

Those of you who follow, would know that this is my rant box, my virtual dumping ground. My version of no-holds barred on my life, the everyday that I go through, the things I think about. It's not something I go out and broadcast (Hey! Check out my blog!) because sometimes in my rant, I know I would surely offend.

I have in the past, imposed sanctions on persons much written about. I have also, come to terms that to know me the best, it is thru The Shooter. Which is probably why I choose to do what I did today.

par·ent ~ noun

1. One who begets, gives birth to, or nurtures and raises a child; a father or mother.
2. An ancestor; a progenitor.
3. An organism that produces or generates offspring.
4. A guardian; a protector.

Most people are lucky to have a full-set of parents. And for those who don't, I can only pray that they are as lucky as my Lydia and Luke to have persons stepping forward to fill their world endlessly with the love that a father should give.

One of the things that I wonder about a lot as these two rug-rats of mine grow, is what kind of relationship would we have in ten years (when she's 17 and he's 15). Would they yell and scream at me, telling me "You don't understand me!" Or would they come by the room at night and say "Mum, have you got a minute to listen?"

We all have our own versions of the ideal parent-child relationship. It could be the type that we share with our own parents or it could be something we've read about or watched on the telly. Truth be told, there is no one ideal status of relationship when it comes down to parent and child. Cos as we grow older, so do they.

I remember enjoying a very close bond with my dad but over the years, the one who is in the know with what's going on with my life (or at least lil bits of it) has been my mum. I'm not sure if what she gets from me, she passes on to dad - I can only assume it's mentioned in passing at times.

But lately, as I recollect the conversations I have had with dad, it has always been rather business-like ~ talking about the weather, about colleagues, about bosses, about crisis at work. Never truly about what we each thought and felt - the several occassions would normally come to a heed with someone blowing up or just staying mum.

It's never really dawn on me that the "closeness" was superficial - it may have had breath but it lacked depth. And it's not something I want to continue.

Our parents are our safe haven. They are the ones who would sit with you, hold your hand and tell you you're gonna be alright. But they can only do that if we allow them to. And honestly, I have not. I have been keeping them at bay.

And that's probably why I sent Dad an email with a link to something I wrote earlier today - adding with jest that if he didn't hear from me, the link would roughly give him an indication on where I can be found.

I didn't really count on him hopping, skipping and running through the blog but he did.

*Pause*

It's unchartered waters - this much I know. I remember Pups anguishing over what to write after his mum found his blog. But to do that - impose censorship on myself, my thoughts, would be akin to placing myself under the ISA, minus the front-page publicity.

Dinner was kinda awkward, I thought. I think Dad's trying to make sense on the facets of Barbsie that he has read about. I think he's trying to reconcile his little girl with the unseen face behind the words of The Shooter. It's tough and I do not want to be in his place right now when it comes down to this.

But hey - it's kinda liberating. Cos at least I know now, if he keeps up a following, he'll know where I am in life. And if the basic parenting instinct kicks in, he'll fish me out of the deep end of the ocean if he reads of me doing my occassional drowning.

So Dad - you're very welcomed here, as my Irish bosses would say.. Wave back with a smile!

Shame and My Lil Blue Card

According to Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English ~ A blog is an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page.

I read with angst that a blogger has been detained for a period of 2 years, without trial under the country’s Internal Security Act. This “celebrity” has been on our front pages for jotting down his un-censored thoughts on the state of our country, and the people running it.

Al wrote an interesting piece on him recently and I agree with Al fully on it – this individual is dangerous and somewhat a loose canon. But THAT does not give anybody the right to lock him away without trial for a specific time period, just because he is giving the people what they want – minus the sex of course.

I am infuriated by this out-right violation of the Freedom of Speech laws by the powers-that-be. It is utter snobbery of them to think their signature is mightier than the pen. With this violation, they are deeming themselves to be greater than laws written and accepted by the rest of the world. They are deeming themselves to be God by denying a person of his human right to “hold opinions without interference.”

Have they not read Article 19 of the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights? Have they not spoken with their European counterparts on Article 10 of the European Convention on Human Rights? Have they not watched enough American movies citing The First Amendment?

I feel as though I belong to a nation of ID10Ts. The Poeple-in-Power has just made me feel like I have no brain with this "threat" into my personal space by trying to make an example of another.

IF their intent was one of keeping country-and-citizen harmony, they have failed horrendously (for lack of a better word!!). Can you not hear the strains of the song from Les Miserables: Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again! I may not work on a cotton farm, and I may not have chains around my ankles. But treat me the way you are, I might as well be a slave in old Missisippi!

IF their intent was one of continuing their stay in power, they have just cast the vote against their ownselves. Have an election today and you'll be going out in worse graces than those of Thaksin Shinawatra. (He's got a football club in a nice European country - what have you got?)

IF their intent was one of sending a message of warning to the Rakyat to behave like the schoolkids or risk being sent to the Principal’s Office, they have just created their own Columbine.

Our country has been generous to ensure that each of us receives a stipulated amount of learning. For Christ's sake, do not undermine the education system you have given your people by making them look as if they are incapable of forming their own opinions and knowing where the balance between Lies and Half-truths.

This whole issue of inciting the revolution via a news blog in my opinion is nothing but a whirlwind wordplay romance, hotter than Gone with the Wind. The notoriety of the said site of sedition precedes one reading it ~ it is to be read in place of having a teh-tarik conversation with the dude. As with any mamak outings so entrenched in our culture, one should know not to take each and every word exchanged as the Gospel truth. It is BUT the hot, fiery opinion of a very passionate individual. And just because I read it, doesn't mean I would act on it.

My sympathy today goes out to the family of RPK and the challenges they face ahead. Two years - that's a lot of kilometres for ferrying toothbrushes, toothpaste and soap!

But more importantly, it lies with the Them-who-think-they-be-God for their stupidity is now shining like a full-moon against the dark night. If they thought they could get away with another utter-no-brainer act like this and still be liked ~ they thought wrong. One fine day soon, they are gonna feel like the guy who held his kid down asking "Who's ya Dah-dy?" and getting the answer "Mummy says it's Uncle Bob" in reply.

It is truly a bleak day, despite the upbeat start. God help our country and her people who carry its lil blue MyKad. May it melt in our wallets the instant it sees light. For it is no longer a piece of card that bears any honour. I'd much rather carry a Zimbawean Dollar.

For once in my life, I hang my head in shame by having to call myself a citizen of Malaysia.

Restless Bones

wea·ry ~ adjective

1. Physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain.
2. Characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey.
3. Impatient or dissatisfied with something (often fol. by of): weary of excuses.
4. Characterized by or causing impatience or dissatisfaction; tedious; irksome: a weary wait.

It was another house hunting weekend. And I am tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Finally, after weeks of going thru ad after ad, I found a unit in the area I was looking at, only to be severely disappointed. And this was HOW disappointed I was - I couldn't wait to return to my sandiwara-type pigeon hole and curl up in bed! It was small, run down and well, let's just say it was so bad, nothing would convince me to live there.

I also found the apartment of my dreams - in the vicinity of the area I would like to live in, quiet, set on a hill, brand new (yes - brand new in a very old area!), huge (over 1300 square feet!) and I'd have my garden, while living in a box. Unfortunately, good, new and nice things don't come in 3-figure rental rates. And we don't believe in paying a ringgit over RM 999.00 in rent, do we now?

That's a total of 4 places I have been to seen in a span of weeks. For the life of me, in my years of living away from mum and dad's, I cannot recall another time when I so diligently sourced for a place to rest my bones and call home.

I am seriously on the verge of giving up, caving in and buying a Little Tikes playhouse, park it in the Bear's 2nd carpark lot and call it home.

It wouldn't be all that bad and I'd save some RM 500 from paying rent. Plus, I'd have a fully equipped kitchen, living room, balcony (with plants!!) and AV room with Plasma TV at my disposal. Only thing would be - where would I park my WiNK Mobile and what do I do when it rains and I need to pee??? And do you think the neighbouring cars would mind very much if I had the occassional visitor over?

What do you think? Should I get one in country colours or go with the Barbie Doll pink?

Author's Note:
Seriously now, we all know this Lil Tikes house thingy ain't gonna work.. so be a doll and help me keep a lookout for a nice pigeon hole that is:

1. Not too far away from the city (not more than 10 km and RM 2 in toll??)
2. On the same side of the Valley as Subang, and
3. On or under RM 1K in rent.

I promise I'd be eternally grateful, you'll be on the invite list to the 1st meal cooked in new hole!