Names, Ages and Birthdays

I just updated my Facebook status, and it cannot be more honest than it is. I am fishing pissed off right this very moment, and it has been building over the course of the last 2 hours. To prove that I too can bite and not let go, I had to drive the point home. Cos honestly, I TOO have thresholds. And this was reaching it.

It doesnt matter how sad I made you

Doesn't matter how hard I try

Just remember the same old reason reflected in your eyes

You said you wanted me

I have never, ever in the past year lost my cool with this one person. For every action, I had an equal and POSITIVE reaction. But I have to say, if anyone ever thought that this lassy could be nicely walked over, not once, twice, thrice or more - they seriously need their heads checked. 

So yes, I am fish-sticks-and-frog-legs fuming right now (STILL!!!!) and I reckon, I would be for days to come.

And I hate to say it out loud, but it has to be done. The trust has been violated and broken. Which is the most likely reason why I am capable of reaching this level of angst and anger (Surprise! Surprise! It can be done!). Short of coming out right and saying "Do you realise what an utter fool you have made of me?!"

Seriously, right now - I'd tell ya to take your fucking frog and whatever else it is you are, and go straight to fucking hell.

Caught up in your wishin' well

Your hopes and sadness

Take your love and promises

And make them last

I so do not need to be your fucking hero. Cos being a hero to someone who can't even get the basics right - isn't very heroic at all in my books.

I'm just simply caught by my own word being my honour.

Reflections of A Year Past

It feels like it's been forever. Yet it's been a mere 365 days. A full year.

It's quite amazing and fascinating, if you were to take a step back, consider then and now, and see how vastly different things are today.

Nonetheless, a year has come and gone. And truly back then - if you were to ask me if I ever thought that I would be here today ~ I would have honestly laughed at you in the face till tears rolled down my cheeks.

I honestly didn't think that life could be better back then, for today.

And even if a year from today, things were to be different than they are now, I would have no regrets. None at all.

Sex, Lies, Videotapes!

con⋅demn ~ verb (used with object)

1. To express an unfavorable or adverse judgment on; indicate strong disapproval of; censure.
2. To pronounce to be guilty; sentence to punishment.
3. To give grounds or reason for convicting or censuring.
4. To judge or pronounce to be unfit for use or service.
5. To force into a specific state or activity.
6. To declare incurable.

There has been a multitude of news lately in our local media about so-and-so caught on tape, video, cameraphone, dvd, etc doing such-and-such a thing. Needless to say, a tonne of people have had their two-cents recorded about it as well.

It has spurred a round of debates on what is privacy and how people in positions of limelight, power, authority and public respect should conduct themselves, lest they get snared in this world of free-for-all that we now live in.

I have no particular opinions on whether what they have done is right or wrong. I mean – it is after all their own lives. At the end of the day, if they can sleep well at night and be able to face their Maker with a straight face – who am I to judge? I can be many things to many people, but GOD I sure ain’t.

I do have beef with them who feel so betrayed that they have to continuously remind people of this wrong-doing perpetrated. Do they not realise that by keeping this piece of tit-bit on the edge of their tongues, they are nothing but oxygen is to fire?

Sure, you feel betrayed – but who asked you to place mere mortals on pedestals in the first place? People of positions of power, authority and respect, are but mere vessels for you to connect to the truth ~ they are not the truth incarnate. And whether you’re doing it with the intent of causing more damage, it is irrevocably causing harm already.

True that there are some positions of authority that have strict rules that one must abide by, but let’s face it – we are all humans, subjected to frailties and moments of blindness. If them who have sinned, are able to make peace with God and be truly repent – again, who are we to hold it against them?

As it was said by Jesus in John  8:7 “Let him among you who is without sin be the first to send a stone at her.”  

We are all with sin. So let’s just zip our mouths shut and not reduce ourselves to being a mere atom of oxygen by spreading it on.

If you must do something about it, then pray for the sinner to find the courage to make peace and be truly repent.

And mind you – this prayer can remain between you and your Maker.

To Love

This post is inspired by the book Brida by Paulo Coelho as well as 1 Corinthians Chapter 13. In the ever great search of answers, as to why I do the things I do, feel the things I feel, put up with the things that I put up with: maybe the answer will come to us in this. And if it doesn't ~ does it really matter?

We all sing the songs that speak of love and devotion, of endless sacrifices, waiting on street corners in the rain, just to find love. While these songs may teach us a thing or two about this greatest of emotions, it does not always say that this emotion helps you understand and learn. 

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,

But do not have love,

I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 

If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge;

And if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains,

But do not have love, I am nothing. 

And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, 

And if I surrender my body to be burned,

But do not have love, it profits me nothing. 

They say love allows you to understand all the mysteries of life and the universe. Things which seem stupid to others, you see the wisdom within ... and without. And you understand that to love, is to give wholly as each of these act stated above requires ~ without expecting anything in return.

Love is patient;

Love is kind and is not jealous;

Love does not brag and is not arrogant, 

Does not act unbecomingly;

It does not seek its own, is not provoked,

Does not take into account a wrong suffered,

Does not rejoice in unrighteousness,

But rejoices with the truth; 

Bears all things, believes all things,

Hopes all things, endures all things. 

Virtues, virtues, virtues. Nothing but virtues that only saints can comprehend and achieve in one lifetime. So then, what hope can a mere mortal have of reaching the heights of the saints?

There surely must be a way we can meet all these requirements, at least once in our lifetime? For is it not each person’s destiny to live life to its fullest, and that includes giving and experiencing love in all its glory?

Again, by using “experiencing” and not “receiving” which goes synonymously with “giving”, why is it then so difficult to most to accept that love, again, is unconditional – to give without expecting in return.

Love never fails;

But if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away;

If there are tongues, they will cease;

If there is knowledge, it will be done away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 

But when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child,

Think like a child, reason like a child;

When I became a man, I did away with childish things. 

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face;

Now I know in part,

But then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

Many may think that to love one’s self is to give the best for one’s self ~ I beg to differ. For to love myself, would be to understand my own self, my reason(s) for living and daring to go on, day after day, for those same reasons, accepting with this commitment the fear of pain, loss and separation. And if I can accept myself, then these same elements of fear would not be the emotions that kill me.

But if I cannot accept myself and my commitment, these elements of fear would be the ones to make me stop living. Do we allow the disappointments in life, which brings these wild horses of emotions to reign supreme, renouncing all that we know is of most importance: that of giving and experiencing?

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three;

But the greatest of these is love.

In Brida, it was said: 

It (faith) only existed because she believed in it. Miracles couldn’t be explained either, but they existed for those who believe in them. Faith is a Dark Night. And that’s hardly a surprise really, because for us each day is a dark night. None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, and yet still we go forwards. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.

The Bible says of Faith, Hope and Love - the greatest of these is LOVE.

And it is indeed the greatest of all because it brings us back to being the closest we could ever be with the intent of our creation: For God created us in his Likeness, and the most supreme virtue of being God is His great capacity to Love.

 

Is That ME?

I thought you might find this funny... I sure as hell did:

Language: 

You enjoy enjoy saying, hearing, and seeing words. You like telling stories. You are motivated by books, records, dramas, opportunities for writing. 

Logic/math:
You enjoy exploring how things are related, and you like to understand how things work. You like mathematical concepts, puzzles and manipulative games. You are good at critical thinking.

Self (Intra-personal):

You have a very good sense of self. You like to spend time by yourself and think things over. You will often take in information from another person, mull it over by yourself, and come back to that person later to discuss it. You like working on projects on your own. You often prefer to learn by trial and error. 

These are my top 3 intelligences, out of a possible 7.

Wowzers ~ is that really ME?

Loaded as Loaded Can Be

Wow! It most certainly has been a loaded evening, when it was suppose to be a relaxing one. 

Tea @ 33

"When I think of a business idea, and I think it'll make some profits, I'd go for it cos I see the opportunity in it; not the risk," said LB as we sat down to tea before his footy. And it's nothing new this statement of his ~ yes, he tends to repeat himself. But hey, he's a lawyer so we'll excuse him for that.

As my unofficial legal counsel (ah - now you can't say no!), I am most comfortable talking bout my half-frog with him. Maybe cos he presents me with an unbias opinion. Or there is no history to muddle the waters or words.

I get what he says. I just need to wrap my head around this concept of stretching myself beyond my safety levels. 

The Imam and The Pastor

I attended this short showing of the above titled documentary at an Action For Life conference. A Nigerian-based documentary,  it tells the tale of how 2 leaders from separate sides of the city, re-discovered the essence of their faith and came together for a common good.

Surrounded by a roomful of strangers, I really did wondered what I was doing there - apart from the fact that I was a guest of my boss! I mean, what right or reason did I have to be in the presence of people who have gone beyond themselves, by taking up the challenge posed by Mahatma Gandhi years ago ~ Be the Change You Want to See in the World?

I am humbled, by these people (and the Imam and the Pastor too) ~ how they are able to change themselves, engage others, create answers and give hope to humanity. The very same things I am trying to achieve in my own life. 

I cannot help but recall these words that I read recently in Brida by Paulo Coelho: "Judging oneself to be inferior to other people was one of the worst acts of pride, because it was the most destructive way of being different." 

Oh! And let's not forget the words of one of the participants which has stuck with me since she said them, and they are: "There is goodness in all man, even though we might find it hard to believe."

Slumdog Millionaire

I finally sat down to watch this highly-aclaimed movie. It's been sitting there on my DVD rack since the begining of the month, but I did not want to watch it - simply cos everyone was talking about it. Plus the reviews of it being a "hopeful tale" didn't quite sit with me. 

I like the way the story unfolded and weaved within itself. I am really not surprised it won the Oscar for Best Screenplay, having watched all the other nominated movies. 

But far from being impressed with its success, or how it captured the life of a poor boy in one of the two largest populated countries in the world - I am taken rather by how life's lessons imprints itself into your memory. Which was how the lead character managed to win the prize money.

Half-past midnight

It's raining now, and I have just put to rest the dilemma of the bug in my head. While I really should be going to bed, my mind needs to unravel itself first before I can find rest. And I need to find rest, trust me. But I have yet to find the connecting points on these 3 events that have taken place this evening. I know there is a lesson to be learnt, what it is precisely ~ I haven't figured it out.

I know what the main themes are ~ they sure are floating right in front of my eyes. But what is the correlation between 1) going beyond my personal boundaries, 2) forgiveness, trust and dependency, and 3) using life's experiences lead you forwards? (No, don't say the answer's in the song!)

Which is why this posting is called as it is: Loaded as loaded can be. Cos when Barbsie is feeling befuddled, she is wound up the tightest. And frankly, this coil is already so tight - pull it any tighter, it's not gonna just snap but break into a gazillion pieces.

So if you think you know the answer(s) to the above, be a good soul and shed some light. I really can't think anymore tonight. Not even for Clarkson.

Dark Skies

The more I read (or google to be more exact), the more depressing it seems. 

And I'm helpless to do anything! And it's not in my nature to NOT DO anything!!!

In a way, I'm glad our local newspapers is doing the ostrich-with-head-in-sand bit by not providing full-reporting. But it doesn't keep away the awful fact that dark clouds have indeed rolled in and is looming large on the horizon.

The way I look at it, my options are far and few. And by far, the best todate is head to a place of santuary and go on my knees and pray.

It's worked before. It should work.. again.