Between BFFs

This is a conversation between bff Mandy and me not ten minutes ago ~ "And i wanted to tell u this" she said following it with "You cannot run away from me.."

Okays Mandy - you win. I'm IT.

Winter Blues

The Bear asked me to catch up with him tomorrow when I shared that I had taken the day off. My reply to him was that he's blown me off so many times before, I didn't quite see a point in it. I further added that in my current state of mind, if he did do that, I'd probably disown him for good in fury.

Today was not really a good day. As I told Alex - I'm all blue and wanted to hole up at home under the covers and wait for the day(s) to go by. The rain outside my window is not helping much either - it'll be strange to say this but it is true - I suffer from the Winter Blues in a tropical climate country.

I could say, that this is precisely one of the reasons why, people choose not to go down this path. That it was not worth all the endless moaning at the end of the day. That sometimes, poor quality is still better than zero quantity.

I could say, that I'm not brave enough to take matters into my own hands. And say enough is enough - I am drawing the line. I do not, not for an abundance of cowardice. But because I know that the random bits of good far outweighs the massive black hole.

There is nothing wrong. Just a lack of communication. A lack of knowing that the other person is still there. And I should know better when he is off on his rainbow chasing expeditions - and literally in this case, looking for the pot of gold at the end of it. 

And under normal circumstances, I would cope better. I have coped better. But these days and weeks have been anything but normal. Just as I think I have sent the Grim Reaper away, news of yet another death comes my way. And while it is of someone who is of not much personal consequence to me, it is still a piece of news - of someone who shares some of my DNA passing. Another life lost not even old.

If I had a genie in a bottle, I would cast my wish like John Donne's Bait and simply say:

Come live with me, and be my love

And we will some new pleasures prove

Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,

With silken lines and silver hooks.

Hands - Yours

I have been wanting to write about Rihanna's coming out about that fateful night in February when even the rich, famous and gorgeous is not spared the woes of the common woman. In particular, the common woman in most countries where what goes on in the house does not see the light of day.

I recall thinking as I read the article(s) of how sad this young lady's life is - that she had to firstly make the decision of leaving the one she loved cos it was just not right, and secondly coming out in public to declare her stand because it was her 'duty' as a role-model of sorts for people around the world.

Rihanna admits to being embarrassed ~ that she was capable (or perhaps a better choice of words would be gullible) of falling in love with someone of that nature. And I thought to myself - it could be any nature or character flaw for that matter - abusive, drunkenness, weakness for gambling, cheating without a qualm - this would have to be the most painful part of the whole experience.

I guess I can finally sit down and write out my thoughts on this simply because I have just heard this evening of how a lady, twice Rihanna's age, is in a relationship conundrum. And I dare to bet my last dollar on which choice she would make. 

Whilst I shake my head over her predicament, I cannot share my sympathies on how her life turns out from here on out. Of course, you can argue that a decision in such circumstance is never an easy one to make. You try to imagine life on both sides - with and without. But I know for a fact, that despite all that is said and how most of the odds are stacked against her, for the moment while she is standing at this cross-road, her life, her future lies in no one's hands but her own. 

As the Dixie Chicks say in their song You were Mine:

I can't find a reason to let go

Even though you've found a new love

And she's what your dreams are made of

I can find a reason to hang on ~

What went wrong can be forgiven

Without you, it ain't worth livin' alone

Perhaps for some, the vision of being without is slightly easier to bear - if they know that they would not be alone through it all. But I acknowledge that not everybody is as blessed as I was, to be supported in the manner that I was supported.

And what Rihanna says about being finally able to think back on that night - applies to everyone, rich or poor, black, white or yellow. Sure - you'd feel as if there is nothing left in you that is going to enable you to go on if you choose to walk away.

But if you take a brief moment to reflect on your hands - be they covering your body to shield you from the blows, or be they wrapped tightly around your own self in a metaphoric way of keeping the broken heart from falling out - try to always remember this: they are YOUR hands. What you do with them - no one can make that action but you, yourself.

And whichever way you turn that steering wheel, it may not be much of a consolation.. but hey - 

It won't rain all the time.

The sky won't fall forever.

And though the night seems long,

your tears won't fall forever.

Keep On Walking

"You should update your blog more," Mandy wrote last week in our daily GoogleTalk conversations. And I know why she said what she said. For indeed, the Shooter has been silent, despite so many things taking place. Things that in the past, I would scramble to the nearest computer to write down.

But things are not quite the same anymore is it? For starters, it occurred to me - we've not had the phrase "dark and twisted" suffice in any of the postings for a long while now. And all the booze in the house that were here 3 months ago, are still here - in the exact same quantities they were last touched at.

While it is all good, it also scares me. Scares me that I have chosen to keep my words and thoughts, choosing to share its deepest darkness with only one. And one whose perspectives and opinions differ so vastly from mine. Yet the difference is so complimentary, I no longer find any relief in merely putting my thoughts down, here or anywhere else.

It used to be that we would have some normalcy in the craziness of the world. But those times have grown so far and few in between - I have gone from counting the days in the week to counting the Sundays in a month. And lately, my state has been so drained, I cannot find even the mental energy to do any counting. And his state has been so drained that he doesn't have any spare mental energy to prop me up in the way he used to.

Don't get me wrong - I am not going down on a spiral into one of those non-existent rabbit holes. I am merely putting down the facts. The facts of my life. The fact that the one I would give my life for, the one who pieced me back together again, is one who we are not familiar with.

For as long as I have been allowed to, I have been with men who believes in relationships where two lives cleave together. Didn't quite matter if the time spent were quality time. It was more or less a question of quantity over quality. So much so that most of my friends when they hear from me, they would know that that one has come to an end.

But now it is different. Once, when nothing I did was pretty much for myself; now everything I do is for my own self. Once, when I lived for another; now I live for myself. And it's all good cos there is this separate entity altogether for once, that is ME.

Yet sometimes.. just sometimes.. despite all reminders that we have to "than chiak" (make a living)... I do so want to say...

Why don't you come home, its not very far.

I wait up each night, for the sound of your car.

Well, we both knew it wouldn't be easy.

Oh how we both knew it wouldn't be easy.

Oh yeah , but oh I never thought it ever be, ever be this hard.

I'm bored and alone, it's been far too long.
Why don't you come home, it's where you belong.
Well, we all could do with the money,
But oh whats the use of the money,
When we ain't got no time...

It's been three weeks, since I got a decent sleep.
I've a restless head and an empty bed,
these dreams are killing me
So, I keep on walking
'til the sun comes up.

Some Things Remain The Same

One of my nightly rituals is to flip the page on my never-ending calendar. As I turned the page for tomorrow, the saying caught my attention and brought me up short. It quotes William James' saying: The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

As I went back through my blog archive, I verified that yes indeed a year ago, I sat at my desk and wrote about people, management and the most important thing about working - the need to be appreciated.

The last year has been more or less a drastic slowdown in pace for me. When the economic world continued on its turmoil-filled spin, life has been quite a walk in the park for me. As friends and loved ones slaved at the grind, not to get a better percentage of increment but merely to save their jobs, I have to crack my head for work to do just to pass the time from 9 am to 5 pm, Mondays to Fridays.

It is indeed hard when the accounting balances do not justify a huge payout of festive incentives and what-have-you-not. But I have learnt that sometimes (not all the time) it is not all financial reward that matters.

As I told my colleague of my plans for next year, and how I think we can work out a path for her that would justify and enable her to go up a little bit more, it occurred to me that sometimes.. just sometimes.. the simplest gesture of "thank you for standing by me" would be enough.

I would do well to remember that.

Unk-ka

One of the things I have learnt about being an adult and a parent is the importance of keeping to one's word. Try breaking your promise to a child and you'll never live it down.

We've just come back from afternoon tea with the children's uncle (so very tempted to say long-lost but heck - water under the whatever!). And I was most surprised when he messaged last night to set up the meeting. Surprised because it was one thing to had wanted to take us to lunch two weeks back, but weeks on, it's not something I would expect him to honour.

Perhaps this low level of expectation stems from my personal low level of obligations ~ I never hold anyone to their word in this sort of instances for often it was said without being thought through and thus may be just the polite thing to merely say and not do.

Perhaps it is because his brother never kept to any of his promises way back then. And so, the thought of a common value system comes into play.

He's just made plans for the kids to catch up with him again next week, and later in the month for some outing when their blood cousins come down from Penang for their hols. 

Do I do expect him to follow through on these? Yes, I do. For he's always been the better son and adult. And if he has been diligently going back to Penang every fortnight to see his kids, I know for a fact that he's knows the meaning and value of making and keeping promises to children.

And people like that in Lydia's and Luke's life are far and few. Which is why, there is no doubt at all that I will allow them to continue to catch up with him, their Uncle.

Another Phantom Letter

The event of the last month has made me seriously take stock of my life – the full 34 years worth of it. 

You said we should live life to the fullest or else it would mean nothing. But then I’d have to ask – what is living life to the fullest? Is it doing what we want, when we want and in whatever fashion we want? 

I used to say I must go bungee jumping so that when I lay dying, I can say “I did it all.” But that was when bungee was all the fad. So what then? Does the list never end? 

I recall this movie – Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman – The Bucket List – where the two men, dying of cancer, makes a list of things they should do before they die. Do I do the same? Write my bucket list now and set out to achieve it? What if there is more to life than what I put on that list? Then what?

Or would it be more important to focus on what is important... on what really matters as another person living on this insane and lonely planet?

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.
Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall..
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day...
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.