Return to the Beginning

Another year is soon upon us.

They are strange times; times of beginning and endings.
Dangerous and powerful.
And we feel it even if we don’t know what it is.
These times are not necessarily good, and
not necessarily bad.
In fact, what they are depends on what we are.

As I sit here on my balcony (yes – a balcony after 2 New Year’s Eve!), with my vino by my side and the view of the city in front of me, I cannot help but heave a sigh of relief that 2011 is almost over. For if I had to sum it all up – it has been a physically, emotionally and spiritually tiring year.

To set this year’s capping blog in motion, I have to go back to the beginning – where my resolution 365 days ago was to “always find salt” in all that I do this year. It was for that resolution that I sat at the J&R downstairs of the office and told my buddy Simon, my big hairy audacious dreams for 2011. A tall order at that time. But hey – it has all been done!

In many ways, 2011 will go down as a somewhat surreal time of living. For while achieving's one's dreams are important, surpassing them is a blessing. And that is what this year has been. For who was to say a year ago, that I would have gone on one of the most important journey of my life - walking the Camino de Santiago de Compostella. 118 kilometres and 4 1/2 days - funny how little it takes to change your life.

It is important that we know where we come from,
because if you do not know where you come from,
then you don’t know where you are,
and if you don’t know where you are,
then you don’t know where you’re going.
And if you don’t know where you’re going,
you’re probably going wrong.

As I reflect on the days past, I cannot define exactly what it is that has changed, but changed indeed has taken place. And I can only write it down to the fact that it wasn’t so much the trail I took, but the process of being myself and the subsequent continuous emptying that took place.

Again – we have to return to the beginning.

And it is when we continuous take each step as a beginning that each moment is a salt-filled one. For if anything else that I learnt in my 118 km, it is that while it is easy to keep going one-foot-in-front-of-the-other, the monotony of it will eventually drive your feet over the edge. And before you realise it, you’ve strayed so far off and did it subconsciously, that you don’t even know where to start getting the right way back.

I count myself fortunate, extremely blessed – for I am always surrounded by folks (or fairies if I wanted to be Irish about it), who will hold my hand and gently guide me back to the road I have to travel.

And I pray that 2012 will continue to be the same – that my life will continue to have the presence and blessings of angels (again, or fairies) especially those who are only meant to be there for the moment. And that I am in turn, seen as a blessing to their lives as well, serving them the way I am meant to serve.

We pride ourselves on
making a good history of our lives –
a good story to be told.

And yes, though I close 2011 with a gazillion ion of pride bursting out of me, I also look towards 2012 with an equal amount of humility. For at the end of this year and at the turn of the New Year – I am but a foundling. A foundling with much to learn, much to experience and in return – as most foundlings go – much to share.

Here’s wishing you a very happy 2012. May each moment in the year to come be a return to the beginning for you – so that joys can be relived a thousand folds over, and wrongs be righted.

And Then There's Only 2

After a half bottle of vino all by myself, here was how it went:

Barbsie: Here's the keys to the apartment and the room.
Monday: Okay. (Takes keys in hand)... but why when you're just a text away?
Barbsie: Just take them.
Monday: Okay - this is incase you lose your keys, right?
Barbsie: Yeah - of course! Just put them in pouch, whatever. Use them when you feel like it.
Monday: Okay (and puts then in pouch)

So that wasn't so bad.

And the only thought that comes to mind in this hazy state of La Luna is this: It's not perfect but it works.

I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

"Going Home" more often

Many years ago (about 10) in another life and another job, I was interviewed at a Tech Fair. Back then, GPRS was just coming out - 3G was a distant dream. And I remember saying "I would like to see technology help me check up on my kid(s) as I drive home from work, not just hearing them but also seeing them."

3G has been out on the marketplace for so many years now. But I never made good on that goal, that vision. Like everything else in life, I took it for granted. Until...

I bought 2 iPods today - one for our ancestral home in JB and one for my parents' house in Subang. Spent hours setting them up before sending them back down south with my brother. For the amount of money spent, I could easily have gotten myself a fancy-smanchy branded bag. But you know what, the thought didn't even cross my mind until I saw an ad online promoting luxury goods.

I think everyone comes to a certain point in their life when they realise that the bag that hangs behind the door, the big-arse tv that sits in front of the couch, the posh car with its leather-seats and all kinds of navigational tool in ti - they are all things that would mean something for a couple of days, weeks, at most a month and then fade into nothingness.

I wish I had thought of doing this sooner. That way I wouldn't have been walking "alone" in Spain last June. That way my kids perhaps could have said good-bye in person to their grandfather. That way my cousin sister could have seen her mum on the bed for the last time, and not in a box at the wake.

As Ben likes to always remind - Make the most of each and every moment! Because life is such, we cannot always be as near as we would like to. So here's keeping my fingers, ears and toes crossed that with technology - we could at least be as close as circumstances allow us.

Let's all "go home" that little bit more often.

It's not always easy to speak your mind,
sometimes you need to be forced to do it.
Sometimes, it's better to just keep things to yourself,
play dumb, even when your whole body is
aching to come clean.

I stumbled across a song on the radio that has been on repeat loop on my mp3 player since I got home an hour ago. The lights in the house are all off, save the Christmas tree. And in the distance, the skies are so clear I can see Genting Highlands from where I am.

We're going to be waking up in Paris on February 14, 2012. Ask me if I started 2011 thinking that was ever going to happen and I will cheerfully tell you - NEVER! I barely started the year with great faith as it was - Dublin, London and Barcelona in a whirl-wind of 10 days. I stood at the departure gate in June, texting - You're going to show up right? So yes, the city of lights and love barely 9 months after? With only 2 months of planning? God forbid!

So much has happen, I am finally allowing myself to take stock and well, hopefully at the end of all this - come to my senses and do what I need to do ~ reduce one item less from my desk drawer. Yes, the keys are still there - right at the back of the drawer to boot.

I am lame, I know. Using each and every excuse in the book, throwing logic; left, right, front, back and center. And I accused a friend of the same not too long ago - shame on me!

It is only because of the vino that I am admitting this - I am afraid. Of anything and everything when it comes down to it.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

One part of me (added of course by reading past posts) is nagging at me that I have failed him. That he hinted, he waited and I have let him down. Simply because I am afraid. I can say ~ he'll understand. After all,  aren't I the famous one for coming round to my senses, in my own time?

And another part is driving home - we do not have a thousand years Barbsie. If anything else, I have been taught that lesson very well in the last few weeks - life doesn't go on forever as we assume it would.

I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

The year ends is a little over 20 days. I do not know what next year may bring me but if I do not give it a chance to show me, I'd never know.

He may not have said it all, but he has said enough for me to do this...

One step closer