Lucky Stars and Leprechauns

I just had an interesting discussion with my brother on the country’s silent frenzy – the RM 10.5 million jackpot prize money of one of the lottery places. Like every other dreamer on earth, it was of course on what we would do with the money if we were indeed the lucky ones!

And here is my list for posterity sake:

1. My kids – RM 1 million each (Total Usage = RM 2 million)
2. My brother’s kids – RM 1 million each (Total Usage = RM 5 million)
3. My folks and my aunt – RM 500k each (Total Usage = RM 6.5 million)
4. My brother and his wife – RM 300k (Total Usage = RM 6.8 million)
5. My dad’s brothers – RM 100k each (Total Usage = RM 7.2 million)
6. Housekeeping – RM 500k (Total Usage = RM 7.7 million)
7. Savings – RM 500k (Total Usage = RM 8.2 million)
8. Trust-fund for charity – RM 1 million (Total Usage = RM 9.2 million)
9. My Beemers – a 1-series for weekdays and a 3-series for the weekend – RM 400k (Total Usage = RM 9.6 million)
10. My MBA at INSEAD - RM 400k cos it's Eur 50K just for tuition (Total Usage = RM 10 million)

Before I had put it down in words – RM 10.5 million felt like a lot of money. But it can only allow me to do 10 things, of which, only 1 would give me immediate pleasure! Go figure!

Sometimes I do wonder where my brain is… Fortunately for me, it's only wishful dreaming, much like trying to catch a leprechaun to grab his pot of gold!

Such is life eh?

What a Cow!

I was trying to recall what life was like a year a go… and so I decided to just read thru some of my postings from then… And here’s an excerpt from one of them:

But as I prep my work bag for another brand new work week, I cannot help but ask myself this Sunday evening – is this all there is to life? My Life? Sure I’ve always wanted to be a force to reckon with, and yes – it’s a well known fact my thirst for a fulfilling career is a key driver of my life… but.. but.. but.. what about everything else? Now that I’ve “arrived”, what else is there?

I used to see almost all my friends at least once a week. The fun-filled Friday nights of crawling from one pub to another, with good food, conversation and company. The lazy Saturday afternoons of catching up with my girlfriend. The anticipation of cooking Sunday night family dinner.

The only things that I have had got going for me for the last few months seems to be nothing more than a quick dinner Friday night with you and Saturday morning breakfasts with the guys at work. That is all life has been reduced to.

AIYO! *Smacks self on head over-and-over again*

And we're so stumped, we shall say it again... AIYO!!!

I know… don’t say it… I see it Loud and Clear!

But being the ME that I am, I don’t know what to do with the sun, the moon, the cow and the spoon, when it is served to me on a silver platter.

I shall be careful with what I wish for this year as I blow out the candle kays?

Warming Up

fear ~ noun

1. A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. A specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling
3. Concern or anxiety; solicitude

J.A. Froude once said that "Fear is the parent of cruelty".

There appears to be varying degrees of this most common term. Every one has fears. The only difference between yours and mine would be the quantum at which we allow it to gripe us in it vicious tentacles.

Sen made a notation yesterday over tea that I appeared to be like his sweets. She’s sit and hesitates, willing herself forward, and suddenly without warning, she will be spurred forward into action. Now, if we are to examine it closely, I would conclude that it was not fear but fright that she was over-coming. She was frightened of the consequence of her action and what would happen if it went wrong. Fright ~ sudden, usually momentary, great fear.

I rang my brother last night, in a moment of collapsing, over seeming trivialities. We sat and talked for close to an hour, during which he asked me over and over again – WHAT are you afraid of that it’s stopping you from discovering WHO you are?

In a past post, I mentioned that the only thing I feel some form of achievement attained was work. The current situation of transforming from driving on the Autobahn to the Federal Highway has had me in consternation. It’s not to say that I do not know what I need to do - I do. Only thing is consternation paralyzes its victims, and makes them feel confused and helpless.

A few people have been trying to bump me off this road to perdition that I seem to have parked myself on. Unfortunately, I am my own biggest dismay. No one needs to say anything, or do anything – I do it pretty well myself. And dismay has robbed me of courage or the power to act effectively.

A fact remains as they are - facts. Acknowledgement doesn’t change them. Action does. And plans help put thoughts into actions, and the follow thru of implementation. And so the ChemicalShooter is under-going an evolution – from being a rant-board to a plan-board.

I have long aspired to stand on the other-side. I have watched enough of Grey’s Anatomy to know that the view over there might just surprise me. I have read enough books to know that even if it doesn’t, the miracle lies in the journey over. I have consulted enough persons-whose-opinions-matter to have it etched in my brain that I have been standing here long enough.

I’ve bought the gun and I’m at the starting block.

I’m pulling the trigger.

Who Am I?

I've been told a lot of things and quite a bit has registered. FINALLY. I should do the things I want, not the things that people expect of me. And this is the 2nd thing I'm doing for myself. Writing this blog is an extension of my passion for the written word, for literature. And stopping it was a mistake. As was keeping quiet and accepting. I said I want to simplify my life. It's time others know who I am really.

All Good Things

Ah it’s a brand new day. I had a bit of trouble figuring out what day it was this morning as I lazed in bed. Yes – it’s Thursday already – time flies!

As I wrote last night off my mobile (yes – the wonders of technology!!), yesterday ended on a high note, hanging out with the boys – Garlic and White. Needless to say, when the 3 of us get together we do 1) bitch about people we know and 2) exchange notes on sex.

On topic 1: Garlic thinks that I should have just held on a wee bit more and I would have gotten what I wanted out at the old place. Whites is stunned that I am idling my time away. I thought the both of them looked ready to burst open and die right there by the pool table from work overload.

On topic 2: Whites has just got way to much going on, and I had to remind him on the additional cost all these activities adds to his already stretched expense list. Garlic has to play his cards right and “get his head in the game.” Me – heading right down the road to perdition and a down right disappointment to these 2 who considers me the guru of the game.

It was absolute good fun to be able to let my hair down and just be myself. I didn’t even give a damn that I was not in clubbing clothes and my hair wasn’t washed, but tied up in a simple chignon. We could share secrets that we would never tell anybody else for fear of being judged. And that was what I meant when I say it was not exhausting to be with them.

Sure, I got knocked on the head a few times by Whites but they didn’t make me feel like I was committing some great cardinal sin. They gave their views on what I should do next but yet accepted that it might just be alright to leave things as they are.

I wrote yesterday about my circle of friends. A pretty damning and angry piece. Hell – that’s how I feel about it and it still stays with me. I’m not even gonna begin to make some form of apology for my harshness cos I wouldn’t be fair to myself if I pretended to feel even the slightest bit of remorse.

I feel like I have been pulled in way too many directions lately and in part, The Shooter contributed largely to it. People read about my life here and draw their conclusions from their interpretation. Now here’s the deal – if you cared enough, you’d be hearing it from me and not reading about it, like some lil sneak peaking thru the kitchen window. And then I get hit out-of-the-blue with someone’s off-the-cuff opinion.

I have no issue with this sneak-peak thing. I just have issue when you think by virtue of reading, you have the right to tell me what I should or should not do.

At the end of the day, it’s quite simple and I intend to keep it that way. Life – it’s a two way street – you give a little, you get a little. Everybody has everyone’s best interest at heart. But there comes a time, when you have to learn that what you have in mind, may not go hand-in-hand with what the other person wants, seeks.

I’m not about to go burning bridges over something so small. But with the sense that it would eventually escalate to a seething, red boil of contention, I’m pulling the plug on it.

My blog header says this: A chemical shooter is a drink consisting of a sweet mango liquer, a cognac lime mix, a bitter concoction that’s blue in colour, and a lychee liquer that’s sweet. It’s Barbsie's tale of life’s journey where your senses are exposed to a series of sweet, sour and bitter experiences. But if you persist, you will find the sweet again.

As Sen once said ~ you don’t really need to blog your thoughts when you have real people who actually listen to you. It’s been one hell of a ride these last 1 year and 3 months. I am pleased to say that my label count does indeed see me persisting and finding the sweet again.

It’s been a journey of awesome self-discovery. I had dreams of speaking and now I speak. Life has reached a point where I can continue on without the need of a blog, an avenue to expand my thoughts.

Thank you to those who made it a point each day to stop by, for whatever reasons you felt you had to. I hope you enjoyed the laughs, the songs and the drinks as much as I did!

Superheroes

It's a good ending to a lousy day. Chilling out wif GarlicBoy and WhiteBoy, just talking crap as if tomorrow didn't exist. It reminds me why I choose my company carefully as I do. They allow me to be WHO I AM, without worry that I'm itching for a spanking. They are not exhausting to be with. And ultimately that's what we want - to be happy, without a song or lark. And it's worth it JUST AS Monday is. They are my Superheroes who brings flight.

Opening the Box

For those who have read the Shooter in the last couple of days, and wondering where did all the postings go – well, some things are best not said out loud. In any case, my head is so clogged, my words are not making any sense on their own. So rather than it be lost in translation, best let the sleeping dogs lie. Or until I can find a better way to put it all in its proper perspective.

I have once again picked up on my reading. Currently reading yet another IMPAC book called The Speed of Light by Javier Cercas. Have yet to really get into the book, tho one bit has already struck me in accord. It is where one of the characters says that a writer is able to see reality in a way that no one else can. And that writing is the ability not to make the invisible visible but bringing a dimension to the invisibility that you see what he or she sees on your own.

I have also been reading up on phrases that we use. For instance, the phrase of the day is “That’s akin to opening Pandora’s Box.” Did you know that in this Greek mythology, the opening of the box let out all forms of evil? And the only thing that did not escape before Pandora closed it was “Hope”. So here I am thinking – shouldn’t the opening then let out Hope? Or are we referring to the past act of Pandora, before only Hope was left?

The last 24 hours has left me feeling trapped. I didn’t really identify that THAT was it until just now. It suddenly feels that everybody wants a piece of me – for all the wrong reasons. Albeit camouflaged with goodness. I may not be fair in making this statement but so far, no one except for Mandy has proven me wrong on this observation.

My frustrations are boiling over once again. I feel like a headless chicken running after my own rump. It’s been too long a spell for this and I am wondering, “How long more?” Along with it, I am also wondering “What IS worth?” I am, according to Mandy, the best person to know my worth. But how do you put a value to something tangible yet intangible.. like ME?

Today, I envy the cashiers of departmental stores, the busboys of run-down Chinese restaurants, the DVD seller. For them, Pandora does not quite exist and so they do not have to fuss with the worry of opening it or not. And their views on things are so common that it does not make them feel alone when they speak their mind – everyone’s on the same page.

Today, I’m making a stand – I’m telling everyone in not so many words to SOD OFF cos you ain’t gonna get anything from this girl, at least not in the sense which you think of. And if you think I’m wrong on this account – doesn’t mean jack to me. I’m not here on earth to populate my phone book or keep busy thru 9-to-5 with useless, senseless idle chats online. I'm not here to entertain you. And even if I am, I'm at least gonna be sure that I'm getting out of it in return.

If you think I’m on a self-inspired spiral downwards, keep your thoughts to yourself. Only a handful of people have achieved credibility to give me their thoughts and they know who they are.

I’m un-complicating my life. I’m doing away with things that bring me grief. I’m not sweeping them under the carpet – I’m binning them. I want quality, not quantity. I want depth, not breath. I’m not running away from reality. I just define what I want in ways that you don’t. If you can’t give me either, then you have no business to deem yourself part of my circle.

Which is why my circle remains small and cloistered.

Which is why I am fine with the way some things.

Until you have sat across someone and really felt as though nothing else matters in the room, around the table except for you, how you feel, what you think – you would never understand what I’m trying to achieve with this posting.

And for now, even if it's only 2 people in this whole world who makes me feel like a diamond, in my sense of the word - I'll take my little wonders as they are.

Keep the Faith

Something's just come up, quite out of the blue. I can't really elaborate on it here and I'm not too sure how to react to this turn of events. Some of you would probably hear about it from me over time, but not from here. Shooter's letting you down on this one.

And I think it's a weird coincidence - how THIS has happened today, when I thought to do some housekeeping of sorts (again - I'm sorry I can't divulge what it is.)

Monday told me that one has to keep the faith, and that if we leave it all in God's hands - He'll know how to sort it out for us. But most importantly is to surrender that trust to the Big Brother.

I know I may be jumping the gun ~ as my brother says - I have to learn patience and endurance.

I may keep the faith, I may leave it all in God's hands. But then again, wasn't it said that God helps those who help themselves.

A random stroke of coincidence? Or God's invisible hands moving things about? Only time will tell.

Until then... we'll rock to Bon Jovi.

A Silent Thought

a·maze ~ verb

1. to overwhelm with surprise or sudden wonder; astonish greatly

Very few people amaze me. And when they do, it's normally a one-off affair. Yet, there's this one person who never fails to amaze me each time I learn more about him, his life, his experiences, his perspective, his values.

But most of all, what overwhelms me each time we meet, is how much in synch we are - almost like two peas in a pod. Sure we have our differences of opinions, but even then, it seems to compliment, rather than conflict - bringing a side of the subject-matter that the other didn't think of.

He has his quirky ways, like his obsession with a round orange ball that bounces, giving names to stuff that has a physical form but not a presence, eating a tonne and a half and not putting on an ounce of fat, abhoring anything to do with the Dutch, standing in the middle of my kitchen - daring himself to match my neighbours in their fashion show. The list goes on, and some of them irk me. But I know that without them, it wouldn't be him.

I have known him for coming 5 months now. While it's been quite the ride, it's also been a quieting calm. He takes away the drama and leaves just the picture as it is. He makes me want to better myself, not to impress but just to be the best that I can be. He believes in me, even without knowing very much about me, who I am and where I come from. He leaves me wanting more, but content with what I have.

There's this jest between us.. about Superman, saving the world and all that jazz. Little does he know, he doesn't have to save the world to be Superman. He just has to be who he is and he's wins the right to wear the tee.

He rights and rocks my world.

This One's for the Boys

I just had to lodge this one down cos it never fails to amaze me when something like this happens.

Guys - you have got to listen up, and listen good on this one kays?

You don't need to tell a girl she's good at what she does!
She'll know if she's good or not!

Unless we're a SYT, your telling us - doesn't amount to jack. Plus, it might even cause you to lose some brownie points in the suave-department. To us - this act - it is what separates the men from the boys.

If you think that I'm wrong cos no girl's ever gone and slapped ya in the face for it here's another secret: We might not say anything in response, cos sometimes we like to give you enough rope and watch you hang yourself.

Seriously ~ Someday, you're gonna be thanking me to the highest heavens for it.

Large Enough...

Wow… the weekend’s come and gone. It was a good weekend and I think I’m beginning to enjoy these 5-day weeks! I mean, to actually have a full Saturday and Sunday with the children, without feeling tired or dragged down by work!

So yes – am finally doing the Mum-sy thingy with a bit of mall-ratting (we even cooped front row seats to the Highschool Musical Dance thingy at 1U!!), a bit of leisurely eating and overall chilling in the house. They were even on time for Sunday School for once! Trust me – that is no mean feat, this being on-time business on a Sunday morning!

Also did some entertaining at home – this weekend was GarlicBoy coming over for some curry, cocktails and chit-chat. This is the 2nd weekend is a row that I have had people over for some chow – the week before was Sen and Nat, and it’s nice – to have other people in the house as well! I would have to take a break from this entertaining thingy this coming weekend cos I’m heading out of town for a business trip. But the seat for the weekend after is open for takers!

I have also been consistently getting my laundry done over the weekend and it’s nice to start the week with a full closet of clothes for my picking! Yes, this was a serious issue when I was still in the SC job – there were times when the laundry bag went to work and back with me, day-in, day-out.

The house is clean. the dish rack is not over-flowing with crockery that needs to be put away. The freezer is filled and not a bottle of vodka in sight to take up precious space. I think I’m finally getting my life back in shape, back on to the track that it’s suppose to. And that's why we took this new job!

Nonetheless, while everything went well this weekend… Barbs being Barbs, I still had my moments. Woke up at 3 am this morning and stayed awake for the next hour. And I think I finally recognise the pattern of this fitful sleep. I suppose “recognise” might not be the most accurate of adjectives to use. “Admit” might be more suited. But let’s not dwell on that.

It’s Monday and a brand new week. I may have fought silent battles in my head (which is still on-going!) and there would be many more silent battles to be seen out – it is nonetheless a new week. As the Facebook Tarot reading for me today says: I will pursue my dreams and what makes me happy -- life's too short. I will allow time for me today. I am immortal! Sometimes it's better to burn out than just fade away.

Now all we have to do is remember that Patience is a virtue... And that good things comes to those who wait. Ah.. all the world's a stage .. and like Mandy used to say, If we had the Oscars in Malaysia, I would win it hands down.

With that, I’m off to chew whatever that’s left of my fingernails now! If only WhiteBoy and I still worked in the same office - I could then go running to him and ask him to hold my phone for me! Oh well.. we can't win them all!

Tally-ho dudes and dudettes!

I'm large enough to contain contradictions!

Raison d'être

For the last 2 hours, I have been trying to recall a time when "work was not everything to me". A time when I spoke of things other than work, colleagues and episodes related to work. A time when I spoke of my children, of my house / my home, of what I read, watched and discussed. Apparently, there was a time that I did go through all that. A time when I was "contented". And the timeline was actually defined to me. Yet... I cannot recall any of it.

From my period of "contentment" I can only recall the arguments, the breaking of doors, the yelling, shouting, smashing of the mirror in the hallway and finally the walk-away. From my period of "contentment" I can only recall the discussions of how everything was burning to the ground, and not of the dream-building.

Often, and most particularly lately, I have been wondering what my raison d'être is. I have been lost and adrift since leaving my last employment cos work, to me, was what defines me. I often think that the only aspect of life where I have been par excellence is the aspect of my career. I have failed in almost every other aspect of my life except for my work, that I cling to it like a sailor, clinging to a piece of driftwood in a stormy sea.

It now makes absolute sense to me as to why I have been resentful of this lack of activity at work, lack of need for me to exercise my brain. If my work defines me, then this lack of work translates to me amounting to nothing. This idée fixe has been my greatest fear - that I amount to nothing, and no one. And I have not been able to move on, particularly to the new job, even though I know that great things await me in time to come.

Monday told me within our second conversation that I was fearful. I laughed in his face and my soi-disant instead was that I am someone who knew what I wanted and merely vocal about stating it as fact. I guess I really am transparent. But my friends around me, have grown so accustomed to my "dust-bunny" routine that they no longer state the obvious. And truly, only a stranger would dare to say something like that to my face.

Yet once in a while, one of my friends would catch me by the wrist and lay it to me straight in my face. Someone who is able to see through the sang-froid and get thru my own thoughts to ME. And someone did just that today. I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort on her part but she did have the authority and credibility to do the deed today.

Her words of wisdom includes

1. No one likes to fail but it doesn't help to start out with negativity
2. Reminisce about the past, but you've gone way past that time and mark
3. There's more to YOU than the work you did in the past
4. Someone will come along and make you accept all the things that irritate you

I am not "found" yet. It takes more than one conversation (okay, maybe more than one) to turn me around. But at least, I think I am not so lost either. I will come round to it, soon-ish.

Acceptance will come by some tour de force. And it would be some force of strength on my part for sure, to find that au contraire to what I have perceived to be my only achievement in life, there have been and would be many others as well in time to come.

For the past is gone and nothing can be done about it but to accept, forgive and forget. The future is still waiting to be painted and, if it is in my hands, then it is my carte blanche to determine the shape with which it is to come out.

... If I want to send my kids to a better school, it is for me to determine how my new business contract works out in 2010.

... If I want to be a leader and not a worker, then I must cross the risk boundary that I have caged myself in and pull my thoughts together to better use.

... If I want "contentment" then I have to take the first step in reversing that which started out on the wrong foot.

All the above scares the living daylights out of me. I shudder internally even as I commit thoughts to words. But it is comme il faut.

They say that life shapes you, how you think, makes you who you are. They also say, you assimilate the good and you learn from the bad. Learn so that you do not make the same mistake that others or yourself have made before. It suddenly appears to me, that I have been so focused on the latter that I have foregone all other experiences that are there to teach me. And this is not a way to attain joie de vivre.

It has been a highly productive evening, a thoroughly enjoyable and well-spent one with my best girl, Mandy along the corridors of Suria KLCC.

Author's Note:

This lodgement is laced with French terminologies simply because I have been reading books written originally in the language. And instead of letting the beauty I find in those words go to waste in my head, it is now here for your reading pleasure as well. I hope it helped somewhat in giving my thoughts the depth which I sought.

What a Blur

Okay - I finally got the snooze I have been deprived off. Looking back, I think it was a serious case of restlessness that got to me. Restlessness from the lack of activity. While I have been lounging it off here and there, I guess it had to manifest itself somehow so that I would finally sit up and say "This is So Not Good!"

I can't believe tho' that I have subjected myself to almost 3 weeks of this sitting around and doing nothing very much. This is SO NOT ME!!! And it's gotta come to an end soon. My boss reckons that once August kicks in and we have ten days to get some 40 kids on a Dublin-bound plane, I'd feel much better with myself.

Hello! This is ME we're talking about. The person who got a cafe opened in 24 hours - from architectural hand-over to food-tasting to service-testing to commissioning! If you thought Restaurant Makeover was crazy - you ain't seen nothing yet! So please don't go telling me that putting 40 semi-adults on a plane in ten days is madness. It ain't.

Nonetheless, I guess THAT is something to look forward to, for lack of anything else better to do.

Anyways, I decided today to put my evening to good use - in no particular order:

1. Pick up Monday's birthday present (and it's a bloody good thing I'm getting it 2 weeks in advance cos the modification of it is gonna take 2 weeks!)
2. Go visit Mandy in her house
3. Get the candles for Dad that he requested for
4. Have myself a proper meal for dinner

And now here I am, trying to make some sense of the muddle in this thing we call my head.

It's been a right blur... I even lost count of what day it was today... And I'm not too sure if I should be glad that it's already Thursday tomorrow and the weekend would soon be upon us... Or should I be dreading that the week is coming to an end and... And a new week would soon begin.

I can be at so many other places right now, than where I am. Indeed. But yet, I choose not to. I feel like Vera, the main character in the book I've just finished (The Woman Who Waited by Andrei Makine)... Someone trapped in between space and time... knowingly and willing trapped. For I could have chosen to...

... Stay on in the mad-house with its whirlwind of activities, but in truth, I could do that for the next 4 years and be getting no where closer to my own goals.

... Go sit at some club somewhere with WhiteBoy, drink and talk till the cows come home, but in truth, that would not rid me of the conversation build-up in my head.

... Be at my folks' place, watching my kids watch Dibo the Gift Dragon, but in truth, that would not change their day, any more than me not being there.

... Have dinner with Charlie, and silently watch him try to weasal his way back into my life, but in truth, that would not satisfy the sense of connection that I seek.

See I told ya the mind is a right blur. Maybe a shot of Red Hair would set it right again. But then again... we all know that's not gonna do either. There appears to be one antidote and one only, which itself is a poisoned cup to drink from.

Poision and Cure... Emotions and Logic... Maybe life is a blend of both ... And we just have to take care in the measure which we deal each portion out...

What a blurry mess this task we call Life... If only we had recipe cards for it!

Need Em Zzzzzz's

I have not been able to sleep well for the past 2 nights. It's not to say that I haven't slept in 2 days but rather it was the doze for 30 minutes, lie awake for 90, that kinda thingy. And today it's taking its toil on me - can hardly keep my eyes open.

Seriously - need to get 'em zzzs done in soon-ish!

Quick somebody - slip the valium under the desk right over, wun ya?

I Don't Speak Girl

Yes.. yes.. I know - two postings on one night - On a Monday night from me... WTF?! Precisely that, I would think - WTF?! The American financial markets goes soft, taking with it the Asian markets and I find myself sitting at the noisy cybercafe, blogging away on a Monday night. A tad bit ridiculous ain't it?!

Anyways, the above was not the excuse proferred. In fact, none was except for the mere explanation of "heading out to destination now for two days and back only tomorrow night." But well, when you have heard enough of whinge-ing about work, you get the drift that some shockwave has rippled thru the financial markets. Duty calls.

I am quite determine not to make a fuss out of this whole thingy cos once upon a time, my time was my company's as well ~ recall Valentine's Day 2006 and being summoned to see the Big Boss at lunch, told to go home, grab my bags and passport to fly out in 6 hours to Sydney - while I have lamb marinating in the fridge for dinner!!!

But somehow, I get the feeling that some form of fussing in reply was required... Unfortunately, being quite dumb in this sense, my reply of "Have a good trip" didn't quite cut it cos the conversation ended there with that. Maybe if I tried harder, I could have come up with something along the lines of "Oh shucks! That's horrible news! How is Monday gonna pass on by now?! But have a safe journey and get back soon!"

As WhiteBoy once told me - try and speak girl once in a while. And that has been bugging me the whole day - this concept of talk that I have not appeared to master. And apparently according to this online quiz which I just did - I just don't get it either! *Duh*

Oh sure I can be cutesy-wootsy once in a way.... but unfortunately, it is not in my genetic make-up to whine and pout. I blame it on my mum - the inherited stylings of a fiery unleashing of a slew of burning words that does as they intend - burn and burn right down to the core.

I think, the closest I have come to speaking girl would be "Pat me on the head and tell me you're so proud of me"... but then again, that was seriously aided by like a lot of whiskey! *Hmmm* In reflection actually, that did work cos while he had nothing to be proud of in that instance (in fact, I think he so wanted to wring my neck!), he still said Okay and I got the pat on head.

Where am I going with all this? I'm not too sure actually... Maybe I need a speech guru... maybe I don't... maybe 'this is me' needs to be re-looked and re-examined... Good grief! I can freaking believe this - 32 going on 33 and I've gotta go learn how to speak girl! Makes you kinda wonder how I survived the last 32 years as a girl then eh?

I'll let you be the judge of this kays ~ Can you imagine Barbsie Speaking Girl? Drop me a line either here or anywhere else you know of and lemme know what you think! Seriously!

Author's Note:
And no - the name Barbsie was not the 1st step in that direction - it wasn't coined by me and it is in fact being used simply cos it's not a name that sticks in your head when it comes to me and so is in a way, my pseudonym :o)

Frozen In Time

Fresh off somebody's phone memory card... pics of my last 48 hours with Swiss Concept / Prince Court...And it's only appearing here simply because no one can really believe the egg-flour-curry-wash story!

This was Monday - in the Raw Food Kitchen - before the curry / Maggi-smelling soup came a-raining down on me... Yes - I had a hairnet on and WhiteBoy claims some form of pardon for that bit - of saving the prawn legs from getting in my hair by suggesting I wear I hairnet.

This was the dinner itself. And no, my shirt is not that deep a shade of red! And yes, if my smile looked stiff - well, that's what you get for having some 30-raw eggs pelted at ya.

These pictures - memories frozen in time... which I will call up on my computer once in a while (tho I hope the memory recall doesn't bring with it the smells!!)... just to remind myself that I was once a part of a very big happy family!

Love ya guys bunches!!!

This One's For..

I know.. I know.. Barbsie silence is never a good sign.

I'm still alive.. and kicking... maybe a tad bit harder today than most days.. but then again, if you live outside the city and worked in it today - you'd be kicking as hard as I am, what with the traffic mess that occurred this morning. Talk about insecurities - these people take the cake!

Nothing very much has been happening and so the Shooter has been silent.

The ONLY good news would be - the Bear and I have mended the patch, crossed the bridge, offered-and-accepted the olive branch (or chee cheong fun). And yes, for a Monday - THAT would be THE ONLY good piece of news to broadcast for the day - the REST OF THE DAY.

Seriously - somebody ought to go shoot the dogs at the you-know-where... they are ruining my life is more ways than just blocking the entry points into the city!!! All this political instability - wrecking havoc in waves!

As Lydia has taken to saying ~ "Damn You! Curse You!"

Author's Note:

Please do not question why my 7-year-old is saying phrases like these. I only regulate what they watch from Fridays, 8 pm to Sundays 5 pm. Anything other than that, I should not be held personally liable. And if you are holding me personally liable - Damn you! Curse you!

Pride and Prejudice

Someone's gone and rained on my parade today. This week where it has been going great, with work and with my head. This same week where Monday chilled out longer than he intended to with me cos we just sat and talked while time flew by. This same week where Monday said has been the best week ever and that sleep and rest lost over quality time, was well worth it.

I know I really can't blame the person who did it ~ I honestly believe that he's done it unintentionally, definitely without malice or ill-intent and absolutely with my best interest at heart. HAVING SAID THAT – I'm still seething mad and I cannot deny that feeling.

I carry one solid principle in life – one must work to earn what one has. It's a concept of "deserving” that is idealistic and not quite realistic, I know. Which is probably why people get away with a lot of things and I don't – cos I don't ask for it cos I didn't think I have earned it. Which again is probably why a lot of the simple things in life surprises me.

If I had to state my one biggest challenge in life, it would be to trust someone else and ultimately, my own self. I don't need to tell you that – you have read all the wonderful yo-yo rides I go thru day-in-day-out inside of my head, all revolving around the issue of Trust and its accomplice, Doubt. And this is where my idealistic principle back-fires cos trust has to be given, not earned when it comes to people.

And so I say this to the person who has assigned himself the title of Barbsie's Bodyguard – you have earned the right to be everything else to Barbsie except for when it comes down to the aspect of who has the ability to drive a stake thru me or not. Simply because a year ago, I sat one evening, in Sen's garden, systematically drinking shots and breaking his entire flower pot collection, after finding that you had lied to me, blatantly to my face.

I know that there are good people in this world and that there are bad people in this world as well. I've lived with both kinds, remember? I also know that while we should learn to trust people, it shouldn't be given blindly either. But understand this about me – I'm not even at the point of giving trust blindly! I'm not even close to it. I'm just going, one-day-at-a-time, trying to make sense of my life and where I can take it and where I can't, after all the crap and shit I have been thru.

I'm raging, I know. And I really shouldn't be blogging. I should have stuck to my original intent of going home, turning 30 Seconds to Mars up at full volume and throw back one shot after the other until I resign and sleep on the couch.

But more importantly, I'm hurting cos the one nice thing in my life, you have now gone and made me doubt it to the point I have to put my phone off, and hide it before I drink cos I cannot trust myself to do the unthinkable in my state of unconsciousness.

If I don't say this now, it's just gonna boil and brew and I don't think we should go thru that anymore. I have lost enough of friends simply because disagreements could not be discussed and deliberated. And between you and me, after all the things we've talked about and gone thru, our friendship deserves honesty in its purest form.

So what if it turns out that Monday is nothing but a pretty-face great-guy two-bit lying son-of-a-bitch? I walked into that one with my eyes wide open and so it is nobody's fault and nobody should have their face bashed in. He never painted any paintings of bunny rabbits running in a green field towards a gorgeous rainbow and so if it is less than that, we can only say that Barbsie was went off tangent. BUT on her own two feet.

And so this is said out loud, for which you have no other option but to accept. I TOO can be disappointing in life when it comes to the aspects of "pride" and "self-respect".

Late Edition

I have to say this upfront and on the onset: It’s quite amazing that on Tuesday mornings, there are a record number of people who log onto ChemicalShooter for an update *lol* Come on people – seriously? Seriously!

Anyways, sorry to have disappointed all who came on bright and early, expecting a late night posting – still ain’t got no computer at home and didn’t feel up to walking to the cybercafé at 2 a.m. Besides, it’s a bit of a slow day so it’s taken a long while to get thoughts going.

It’s not particular good news – the fact that am slowly getting out of it ~ being there on top of my game. Yes – hard to believe cos it’s only been 2 weeks since my brain has been severely taxed and whacked. But yes – signs of slowing down are coming thru. So.Not.Good! Took me 2 bloody hours to draft an email to my counterpart and even that, it so very nearly became a professional disaster.

So, it’s been a week in this new job and I think I am starting to break my boss in – she’s starting to give me some leeway to move and do some of the stuff. Or could it be like my ex-boss used to say – give a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves? *Hmmmm* Ah – let’s not complain – it is after all work.

Just had lunch with Mandy at KLCC – at the Spot of Serenity *lol* Gosh – it has been a long while since I had an SS, haven’t I? And to think it used to be a daily ritual! It was good – the pasta salad and her burger. Now if only someone, at some point in time, would stop and tell us why they actually stare at us when they walk on by, each time we lunch there?! I mean, what’s there to gawk at?

I suppose it goes to show that society is not one that is readily unflustered by the un-common cos there is always some form of reaction that is highly visible and sometime audible too! Get involve in some kind of highway-auto-sodomy or spooning and everyone’s ready with their camera phones to video it all. Leave the windows open on a rowdy night and the playground loiters would think it’s a PodCast that they can log on to, throwing in the cheering, clapping and hooting as if it was LinkinPark on show.

Oh well – such is the world that we live in right now. Guess we’ll just have to live with it eh?

Happy Tuesday y’all!

Author's Note:
Yes, it is intentional that this Tuesday post is one without the use of a particular day of the week. One's gotta do what one's gotta do, just to keep the brain working and looking sharp!

Unexpected Twists of Thoughts

Another weekend has come and gone - time sure does fly cos we're already into Week 2 of July. In a past life, I would be right now pissing in my pants, trying to figure out if I have cleared my Goals and Objectives for last quarter, and racking my brains on what next to focus on for the next 3 months. In a past life.

When the door of happiness closes, another opens,
But often times we look so long at the closed door
That we don’t see the one which has been opened for us

It was a very good weekend tho, despite the fact that at the back of my head, I had the nagging thought of "Oh God! What am I gonna do this week at the office?!"

Went for the Luke's 1st Sports Day. A bit chaotic and poorly organised. Plus it was on the other side of the world (Bukit Jalil) and at the ungodly hour of 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Nonetheless, as I watched Luke come out in the general march pass, and his constant searching of the stands for Lydia and I, giving up another 2 hours of sleep was well worth it. Especially when his face lit up upon finding us among the hundreds of faces.

Had a wonderful dinner with Pups and Nat - their treat! There's something to be said about free food - it's always good *lol* But nah.. it wasn't so much the free food but the fact that 3 unrelated adults could come together once in a way, over their mutual bond of 2 rugrats.

Spoke at length with a dear old friend on Saturday evening on the phone. It's amazing how over 30 minutes, gaps of time spanning slightly over a decade closes. It's not really the same but hey - what was once lost, is now somewhat found and we shouldn't really complain about stuff like that, right? I mean, sometimes, somethings once lost, stays lost. It is still somewhat surreal to me tho and I guess I have to shift the cards with his name on them and give it a big update.

Sat with GarlicBoy at the mamak downstairs of his apartment last night for hours, just chatting about this and that - like old times, good times. Before I knew it, it was already past midnight and we trod on home. And there I was yesterday afternoon, wondering what I could do with myself after I sent the kids on back to my folks'. But more importantly, I wouldn't be able to write about this if I hadn't picked up the phone and rung GarlicBoy in the first instance.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,
You can’t go on well in life
Until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

So yeah, this weekend had me stepping out of some of my boundaries which I seemed to have created for myself. Some of them were easy to cross and erase, some - took a lil bit more conscious thought and effort on my part.

And this would include actually having a 3-hour text conversation with Monday, which is 2 hours and 55 minutes longer than I normally do. Plus, it taking place on a non-Monday, to boot! Now, this is a real first from this person who does not call or text unless it is in reply. And if I were in Monday's shoes, I would be scratching my head in puzzlement over this slight turn of behaviour on my part.

Anyways, that week is now officially over as I sit at my desk this Monday morning.

And as I scribble bits of pieces of information for work, I cannot help but recall Pup's reply in recent months when I ask if he is happy. It was never a 'yes' or 'no' answer but instead, he would tell me he was 'contented'. And with this email I got this morning, I guess I know what Pups was saying...

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want;
Tis the realization of how much you already have.

So in short, I really shouldn't be whinging about how I don't really have anything to do at work, or how I only get 1 day a week cos that would be aiming for "happy". I guess life would be quite alright if I gunned to be contented.

Happy trails now!

Thick-Headed

pro·cras·ti·nate ~ verb

1. To defer action; delay
2. To put off till another day or time

I'm a think-headed dufus who should be quartered and hung out to dry. There is no value in proscratination. It is not money - it will not grow.

I shall procrastinate no longer.

In Flames

Just had dinner with Mandy and another friend. I am beginning to seriously think that for some strange reason, God intends to make the mark of the town of Ipoh in my life, some way, somehow ~ everywhere I go, I am surrounded by Ipoh boys! Anyways, it was the collective thought over dinner that my life was full of excitement, colourful even. And all we spoke about were children and religion.

My life is not full of excitement - did you stop for a moment to think that maybe instead, I am an entertaining recounter of tales and experiences? My life is not colourful - if it were, I wouldn't be sitting here writing a blog post and not out somewhere. I know, being out all the time doesn't an event maketh nor excitement incite. But truth be told, being anywhere other than in my lil pigeon hole (on any other day except that one day of the week) is better.

We were one in words
You finished my sentence

Where am I going with all this? Bear with me - there is a whole point to this diversion in my journey home tonight. My head is, has been, overflowing with maggots and it's gotta go somewhere. And while I think I have done everything within my own personal capacity to prevent reaching this point, I have very obviously failed disastrously.

I can never attract tomorrow
It pushes me aside

Had a chat with my Bear online today. Told him that Mondays have got to come to an end soon. For the simple reason that if it didn't, I would likely end up throwing myself over the balcony at some point in the very near future. Bear thinks I should just sit tight and enjoy the ride cos he (and for that matter, most of my friends) think Mondays are good for me - that at least I have one day in the week that I am happy.

I sink in waters deep
Your presence kept me floating
Far from depths where secrets lie

But here's the thing - one day in the week is no longer sufficient. I find it ridiculous to accumulate the whole week's happenings and recount like at one go, as if it is some weekly report both ways. It is ridiculous that someone who can make me smile more radiantly than anyone else has been able to do in a long time, is not the same someone I pick up the phone to call when something good or bad happens to me.

Maybe in another lifetime
I could be the first you meet

There is NO forward to move on to. Come on - who are we kidding here? Game rules are set up for a reason, and that is to ensure that the players know what is a right move, and what is a wrong move. And you don't change the rules mid-way thru the game. Sure, rules change - petrol prices go up. But this ain't a bloody economic game. I can't draw boxes and work out the theories accordingly, even though one of us is a bloody economist.

I once read a poem
Held my breath
But that moment's gone

Life may not be complicated and it is very true that it is WE who make it complicated. But then again, you don't have a life like mine and this is NOT the movie The Holiday. If Pups couldn't do it then... if you Bear couldn't do it yourself as well... why should I even hope that Monday can?

First time I felt life somewhat hurts
I need an option, a reason and some hope

Bear thinks I'm always such an extremist in actions. And yes, I know what I am risking ~ been there, done that, sat and watched that face with the thought "Can I live without seeing this face, hearing this voice and seeing this smile?" week after week. And it is precisely because each week, the answer is a resounding "NO" that Mondays must come to an end.

Yell at me
I want to be your light that shines
But my ground is shaking and I might fall

But not right now... give me just one more week... just one more month... Give my head just a bit more time to get use to the idea (God help me figure out how I am gonna do that one!)... Lemme make one great proper dinner to celebrate his birthday just this once... Then I'll do it.

I wish that I could say...

I'd likely throw myself off the balcony in any event cos regardless of what has been said... Bear - I suppose if I am truly honest with myself, the answer to your first question would be YES. But then again, we all know that it's a 4-letter word that exists only in pain.

I wish that I could be your evil in a closet

I am the evil in the closet... And that only happens in Narnia or any other fairytale that you can name.

Evil in my closet
In Flames

What a Party!

It was glitzy, snazzy and there was a champagne fountain. I was led to the room's closet and told that I could wear anything in there that i wanted! And that I had half an hour to get ready as all the other guests had already arrived and the party was under-way. To speed things up, the butler (who looked curiously like the butler from Different Strokes) thought I should tell him what my poison was, so it could be ready when I went down.

Apparently Bear decided to splurge out - and splurge out he did, judging by the people in the room (none of whom I recognised except from American TV) and all the great foodie and drinks that were going around. *Wowzers* seriously!

I must say, I didn't know what the occassion was, but hey - a party is a party is a party and I was having a blast of a time! That was UNTIL James' Sit Down drifted thru the sound system and it dawned on me... Hot damn! It was only a dream!

*Sigh* Nonetheless, thanks for "inviting" me Bear to what I think was your 50th birthday bash :o)

More of that please...

*Yawn* and *Stretch* .. Wowzers! It's already 10 past 5! Time sure does flies when you're watching your fingernails grow *grin*

So Day 2 has come and gone and it's much and more of the same. Except that I did learn some stuff today (like how much marketing money I have to spend in a year) and am now subsribed to the online version of the Irish Independent! Oh and yeah - I should start keeping track of the bloody Euro (as in currency and not football) as well, since it'll affect the decision-to-enroll outcome.

*Sigh* Going from reading recipes to this? ....

Life sure has changed!

It Was a GOOD Day

And so, there I was, lounging on my couch, not having moved since I got home at 7 this evening, thinking to myself - there must be something better for me to do this evening - other than what I've been doing the whole day. So up I went, showered off, got dressed, laced up my shoes and took a stroll over to the neighbourhood cybercafe to lodge my thoughts of the day.

~**~

My Tuesdays are always a high day - well, no prizes for guessing that it's cos it's the day following Monday. And rightfully so, Monday was, to quote another - One word... Awesome! I'm gonna curb myself from entertaining the thought - when it all this 'awesome-ness' gonna come to an end cos I truly do not have a rightful reason to think so.

Having said that (and this is to clarify all thoughts of the readers), it's not exactly going anywhere as well. Or is it? Once in a while (which isn't very often cos there's only 1 Monday out of every week), he tends to surprise me with his intensity; of telling me what's been going on with him and well, we shall leave the other bit to your hyper-active imagination. And yesterday was one of them occassion, bordering to the point of "possession".

Health Warning:

Don't ask! Truly - don't! These are areas which can only be explored verbally when sitting under a huge tree along Jalan Alor - one big enough for you to run and climb up to squirmishly and sheepishly! And we're gonna do that someday soon cos I so do need a guy's perspective on the whole possession thingy!

So, in a summary of not so many words, it is in a way going somewhere. Just that destination remains unknown and unaddressed. While there maybe a rising need to, I'm gonna do what Barbsie does best - sweep it under the carpet and leave it be. Let it grow dust bunnies! Afterall, we all love em bunnies, especially when they do that bunny-thing that they do *wink*

~**~

I started my new job today. Never have I had so many people text me to wish me a good day. Thanks you guys - bunches loads! But it has been a bit of a mixed up day.

I can't write it off and say it was a bad day just cos I could sit and watch my fingernails grow - not something you thought you'd be doing, especially not when you've spent the last 6 days doing that!

When one moves from one job to another, they always anticipate bigger, better things / tasks awaiting to be accomplished. I mean, I have been looking forward to starting this new job, anticipating a whole load of things having waited 3 months for me to come on board and get done. NOT having been given any particular assignments was not what I had anticipated, expected.

But in keeping with the Tuesday Bright-and-Shiny theme, we're going to go with the good bit of me managing on my own for a full 1st half of the day, going thru stuff, figuring things out for myself until my boss came in at noon. And as Mumsy rightly stated just now when we spoke on the phone - God knew I needed a break, professionally and this is His way of doing it.

~**~

Had lunch with Mandy at the Galleria. 1) She didn't drive and so I had to do the driving, and the parking finding, and 2) the old menu is back.

It was good to be back there after a week - I don't think I've ever seen any of my boys give me a bigger smile than they did today. And it was from the heart - I know, I felt it. *Grin* They missed me, shit-and-buckets loads! And hell, I missed them too! As I told the Bear - even walking down the stairs to the restaurant felt like going home.

Leaving wasn't easy, especially when I see the hive of activity going on, knowing that I could be in the thick of the action. Especially when I knew the office I was going back to was so quiet, I daren't type a word in case the glass windows get a shock and break! But nonetheless, that chapter is over and done with.

~**~

If I had to rate today, on its own, and not as the day-following-Monday, I would have to say it's warrants a rating of at least 7 1/2, despite a 2 hour meeting with my new boss that didn't give me much more insight into what is expected of me and getting use to nothaving freshly brewed coffee! Cos I realised something - a boss doesn't wait for assignments to be handed out. And so, if I am going to be that someday, I've gotta start creating my own assignments and THAT was what I did and would be doing for the few days to come.

So yeah - all them wishes from Monday, Bear and everybody else did come true today - I did have a good day.. and in a small way, I did have fun to.

You guys have a good day yourselves now tomorrow!

Author's Note:

You have to excuse this extremely long post for today / tonight. I have, afterall, been badly deprived of conversation and the need to type endlessly and at a speed that scares everyone else. I promise it'll all be contained really soon!