Is That ME?

I thought you might find this funny... I sure as hell did:

Language: 

You enjoy enjoy saying, hearing, and seeing words. You like telling stories. You are motivated by books, records, dramas, opportunities for writing. 

Logic/math:
You enjoy exploring how things are related, and you like to understand how things work. You like mathematical concepts, puzzles and manipulative games. You are good at critical thinking.

Self (Intra-personal):

You have a very good sense of self. You like to spend time by yourself and think things over. You will often take in information from another person, mull it over by yourself, and come back to that person later to discuss it. You like working on projects on your own. You often prefer to learn by trial and error. 

These are my top 3 intelligences, out of a possible 7.

Wowzers ~ is that really ME?

Loaded as Loaded Can Be

Wow! It most certainly has been a loaded evening, when it was suppose to be a relaxing one. 

Tea @ 33

"When I think of a business idea, and I think it'll make some profits, I'd go for it cos I see the opportunity in it; not the risk," said LB as we sat down to tea before his footy. And it's nothing new this statement of his ~ yes, he tends to repeat himself. But hey, he's a lawyer so we'll excuse him for that.

As my unofficial legal counsel (ah - now you can't say no!), I am most comfortable talking bout my half-frog with him. Maybe cos he presents me with an unbias opinion. Or there is no history to muddle the waters or words.

I get what he says. I just need to wrap my head around this concept of stretching myself beyond my safety levels. 

The Imam and The Pastor

I attended this short showing of the above titled documentary at an Action For Life conference. A Nigerian-based documentary,  it tells the tale of how 2 leaders from separate sides of the city, re-discovered the essence of their faith and came together for a common good.

Surrounded by a roomful of strangers, I really did wondered what I was doing there - apart from the fact that I was a guest of my boss! I mean, what right or reason did I have to be in the presence of people who have gone beyond themselves, by taking up the challenge posed by Mahatma Gandhi years ago ~ Be the Change You Want to See in the World?

I am humbled, by these people (and the Imam and the Pastor too) ~ how they are able to change themselves, engage others, create answers and give hope to humanity. The very same things I am trying to achieve in my own life. 

I cannot help but recall these words that I read recently in Brida by Paulo Coelho: "Judging oneself to be inferior to other people was one of the worst acts of pride, because it was the most destructive way of being different." 

Oh! And let's not forget the words of one of the participants which has stuck with me since she said them, and they are: "There is goodness in all man, even though we might find it hard to believe."

Slumdog Millionaire

I finally sat down to watch this highly-aclaimed movie. It's been sitting there on my DVD rack since the begining of the month, but I did not want to watch it - simply cos everyone was talking about it. Plus the reviews of it being a "hopeful tale" didn't quite sit with me. 

I like the way the story unfolded and weaved within itself. I am really not surprised it won the Oscar for Best Screenplay, having watched all the other nominated movies. 

But far from being impressed with its success, or how it captured the life of a poor boy in one of the two largest populated countries in the world - I am taken rather by how life's lessons imprints itself into your memory. Which was how the lead character managed to win the prize money.

Half-past midnight

It's raining now, and I have just put to rest the dilemma of the bug in my head. While I really should be going to bed, my mind needs to unravel itself first before I can find rest. And I need to find rest, trust me. But I have yet to find the connecting points on these 3 events that have taken place this evening. I know there is a lesson to be learnt, what it is precisely ~ I haven't figured it out.

I know what the main themes are ~ they sure are floating right in front of my eyes. But what is the correlation between 1) going beyond my personal boundaries, 2) forgiveness, trust and dependency, and 3) using life's experiences lead you forwards? (No, don't say the answer's in the song!)

Which is why this posting is called as it is: Loaded as loaded can be. Cos when Barbsie is feeling befuddled, she is wound up the tightest. And frankly, this coil is already so tight - pull it any tighter, it's not gonna just snap but break into a gazillion pieces.

So if you think you know the answer(s) to the above, be a good soul and shed some light. I really can't think anymore tonight. Not even for Clarkson.

Dark Skies

The more I read (or google to be more exact), the more depressing it seems. 

And I'm helpless to do anything! And it's not in my nature to NOT DO anything!!!

In a way, I'm glad our local newspapers is doing the ostrich-with-head-in-sand bit by not providing full-reporting. But it doesn't keep away the awful fact that dark clouds have indeed rolled in and is looming large on the horizon.

The way I look at it, my options are far and few. And by far, the best todate is head to a place of santuary and go on my knees and pray.

It's worked before. It should work.. again.

Perhaps

Perhaps there is some truth in some form of overkill. I am not sure if yesterday was a better to be at, or today would be better. 

Either way, at least yesterday, at 3 in the morning, I was fast asleep and not sitting my desk, smoking one fag after the other, writing post-it notes and thumping them right on the wall to remind myself... of what, we have yet to figure out.

I thought I'd drop you easily

But that was not to be

You burrowed like a summer tic

So you invade my sleep and confuse my dreams

Turn my nights to sleepless itch

Holding on the telephone

I hear your midrange moan

You're everywhere inside my room

Even when I'm alone I hear your mellow drone

You're everywhere inside of me

I can't escape your incessant whine

When you beam it out all across the sky

No I can't escape your insipid rhyme

When you shoot it deep

Straight into my mind

Stuck on you 'till the end of time

I'm too tired to fight your rhyme

Stuck on you 'till the end of time

you've got me paralyzed

Perhaps, we're destined to always be invisible....

A Round Table

It was meant to an Annual General Meeting. Yet, I think most of us braved the rain for an evening of free food, free booze and camaraderie.

And it was well worth it too. But then again, I probably gravitated to the right people.

I have just spent my wet Wednesday with a roomful of almost strangers at a pretty rustic spot in town. A round table of characters, half of whom whose names I don't even remember! But then again, when you have things like caffeine, nicotine and booze in common - who really needs name!

A year ago, I didn't think I'd be spending my evenings finding pleasure in such pursuits. But these folks are from a different bolt of cloth. They are Irish!

So while we've only seen each other a month or so, I'm pretty certain that over time, we'd have more fun (and booze!) than most friends would have had in their lifetime!

Here's to Jon, Paul, Michael, Anne and the dude whose name I never got! And Michael - here's hoping you don't mess up another St Patrick's Day Ball with mis-texts!

Bring me to LIFE

I once wrote a piece about independent people. But yet lately, I have been asking myself this question ~ How can some people go without ever needing anybody? What had happened in their life that made them think that the world would not miss their presence at all? And that people would not always be there, and therefore to rely on someone else is just not to be done. (Ooh - deja vu! *duh*)

Wake me up inside

I can’t wake up

I'm asking all this because I have been getting emails and text that provides a jist of what's going on, and ending with "I'll tell you when I see you." Which would be.. err.. WHEN pray tell?

Save me

Call my name and save me from the dark

If it's happy news, I can understand. But when the going gets tough - you let your safety-net catch your fall you dweeb!

Bid my blood to run

Before I come undone

Maybe it's cos I'm one of those people who would burst into a million pieces if something were to happen to me, and I had no where and no one to run to. But I have been fortunate cos my person(s) would always be there. And I suppose while there were not always this many, I at least had that 1 person in Mandy. So to come up against somewhere who is more damaged and twisted than I am - it's like bloody hitting a brick wall!

Save me from the nothing I’ve become

People shouldn't have to live like this. Seriously! They.Don't.Have.To.Live.This.Way!

I've been living a lie ~ there's nothing inside

I'm probably ranting cos it's *arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* and beyond!And it's probably not what I had expected. Not from the person who brought me back to life, to being among the living once again. And probably also cos I cannot believe that I didn't go with my gut feel and rationale (which for once both agreed on the same thing!) and chose to doubt.

Bring me to life

Whites was right - I so deserve a slap on the head from whichever snow-capped mountain he is on right now! And while he's at it, having a right-go at me, he might as well take a swag at this far too independent person as well so he could be brought back to life.

Urge Overkill

There's this line from a short article by Jeremy Clarkson (from his book called The World According to Clarkson) that says: Music has become something in the background, playing while we're doing something else.

While music forms a big part of my world (I am currently spending about 2 minutes getting my music set up for the drive into work and back!), I can't help but agree with Clarkson. Which is why I think it's hilarious to get this instant message this morning: "Hmm....was reminded of you when I heard Overkill by Men at Work "

Upon googling the lyrics (cos honestly, this is why a 7-year age gap makes a whole lot of difference), it's struck me that even if music is sometimes in the background, it can skip to the front of the line when something in it strikes ya! 

I can't get to sleep

I think about the implications

Of diving in too deep

And possibly the complications

Especially at night

I worry over situations

I know will be alright

Perhaps it's just my imagination

Day after day it reappears

Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear

Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets

Only brings exasperation

It's time to walk the streets

Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights

And though there's little variation

It nullifies the night

From overkill

For the record ~ I am NOT all THAT bad kays? AND I am trying to do things without so much of a fuss :o)

Moving it Along

I just completed 3 hours straight of my yoga class. The body has yet to start yelling at me, but I reckon it would by tomorrow. Morning, to be precise.

I wouldn't say I have develop a passion for this. THAT would be the day if you ever hear me say I have develop a passion for a sport - it's just not in me. But I am pushing myself to diligently go for the classes and do the stuff that I never thought I would do (like standing on one foot, looping my arm round my butt to meet the other arm, then raising the hooked foot up into the air ~ OUCH!) quite simply cos I feel this need to prove to myself that if I put my head down - I really can achieve what it is I have set out to do.

Through it all the last month, yes there are nice tangible results (1 lbs shy of being under 59 kgs!) but more importantly, I know now that I can put aside whatever coloured hats that I am wearing, don another and move on.

There's been way too much drama in the last month. And I need it to stop. Or rather, I need to stop it.

Life is crazy enough as it is ... why spoil whatever moments of temporary sanity that we have eh?

On a Dark and Stormy Night...

"The business idea is good. The model it takes on is good. But the partnership is doomed."

This came from my online exchange with the LegalBeagle this afternoon while we were discussing what I have decided to do with this piece of document that I am required by law to have signed. Apparently, it doesn't adequately spell out the true scenario of how things have been functioning and is foresawn to be functioning. And because of that, at some point in time in the future, it would break things down and apart when day sees light.

Being the good and obedient girl that I am, I have made what necessary amendments on advisory and sent it off with a note that expressed how much I have come to hate this piece of document since its creation 5 days ago, and how much I abhor all that it represents.

Business is business, that I know. And I should take my red hat off and replace it with another. Red hats have no place in business. Yet, how can you work with someone or a group of persons, if there is no trust? And that is what I am trying to establish before I go and commit to an act, either way of the line.

It is probably prickling me a whole lot more than it would simply because I know. 

I know to any sane person out there, there is no basis for this person to be entitled to my trust right now, and I am torn between taking that chance and still giving the benefit of doubt, or saying I am drawing the line here ~ which is what that lousy piece of thingy has come to represent. The closest thing I can find to describing this connendrum that one must think I have parked myself into for the sheer joy of having something to do would be this extract from the novel The Reader by Bernhard Schlink:

I wanted simultaneously to understand Hanna's crime and to condemn it. But it was too terrible for that. When I tried to understand it, I had the feeling I was failing to condemn it as it must be condemned. When I condemned it as it must be condemned, there was no room for understanding ... I wanted to pose myself both tasks — understanding and condemnation. But it was impossible to do both.

The philosophies of life that were laid out for me, that fine night earlier on this year haunts me. I guess there is no easy way to do this, other than to come outright and ask ~ What else have you lied to me about, even though you say that was the last of the things I did not really know? 

As much as I like to say I have not been lied to, the truth is: I have been. And my trust, while easily given away, is the hardest thing on earth someone can ever earn back. And was it worth it: on something that is so basic and factual! And though I know and understand the answer behind the "why" even without having to ask, I cannot comprehend why it took you this long to come clean. And if you did only because you had to - we had arrived at the crux and the cat would soon be let out of the bag in another manner with another motive.

It is a very dark night. Especially when I can still hear the anguish in the voice when it let out the words "I wanted to tell you sooner. But I didn't know how to. Or how you would react to it." 

CAN I?
Can I REALLY trust you?
Are you really WILLING NOW to shoulder this responsibility?

Don't get me wrong ~ I AM standing on the side of understanding, not condemnation.

Affirmation?

"You are good!"

Some people are born dreamers. Some people are born executors. Some people are born followers. 

Some people run after their own tales like headless chickens. Some people sit and plan before taking a step. Some people have to be poked then lead forward on a leash.

The world is made up of all sorts of people, and while only one kind would become the acknowledged Rainmaker, I'm begining to realise that the Rainmaker is not really the one who dreams. For dreams remain as they are, if they are not brought to life.

I may not have the ability or strength to think up the weirdest, most out of this world dream - but tell me your dream and I'll turn your vividity into reality. And the end result would be something so surreal, you'd be pinching and slapping yourself for the rest of your life. 

So in reply to that opening line that sat in my inbox slightly past midnight ~ *Duh* Please tell me something I don't already know. 

Good Business

"If you don't mind, could you email me your mailing address? I could courier the samples to you by morning as it is better to review them physically than through email pictures."

This text message came in at slightly past 9 pm tonight and surprised the hell out of me. For starters - it's a Friday night, with the weekend looming ahead. Secondly, my quantity requested isn't exactly big - a mere 200 pieces at most.

Yet, this chappie in some sleepy town down south, thought it good enough to courier their products to me - even though I have already decided which of his items I am going to go with.

Now that is good business.

In these desperate times, nothing is more important than investing the time and effort in your customers. I should know. And in fact, I'm banking on that - all the way to the bank.

Going thru the accounts we have on hand earlier this evening with my boss, we counted about 6 to 7 that are raking about 90% success rate. Baring the kids screwing up their interviews majorly, these kids would actually be able to get on that plane and head out to Ireland come autumn. And I should have these accounts wrapped up before spring ends.

6 to 7 may not be a lot out of my quota of 20. But that would mean, I have met the number of kids we sent last year ~ any one else on top of that is gonna be pure luck. And even if there would be no one other than these 6 to 7 kids, I'd still be happy. 

Cos I know I got them in by doing good business. My investment in taking the time to answer each and every question they threw at me, staying up late to place calls to my colleagues at my own expense, acknowledging every email or skype message that popped up, would have paid off.

Something so simple, yet so neglected. Leave it to us Southeners to bring on the charm and treating customers the way they should be treated ;o)

Touching Base

Okay so I have not written very much on what I have been up to, or as some would say: the low-down on Barbsie.

The Irish Escapade

Work has been alright. A bit chaotic cos yet again - my eye's not quite on the ball. And I'm beginning to wonder if a person could really serve more than one master. Nonetheless, I do know which one is the priority and yes, would not neglect that.

If you're one of those who wonders if the economic downturn affects the education sector - my reply to you would be a resounding YES. It's 3 days to application deadline and it's pretty obvious that the number of families out there with over RM 1 million to invest in their child's education has shrunk significantly. Heck, even an application fee of RM 150 seem mighty precious these days. 

Judging by the small bundles of forms for each university, I would say that the competition for seats this year is not gonna be all that tough compared to previous years. Which doesn't bode well for me at all. This is bonus money people!!!

The Froggie

As for the froggie, the first steps towards actually converting what's on paper to reality has been taken. Yesterday, I got the company name registered. Which was quite a thrill actually. One of those whop-dee-do moments!!! Sadly, it was marred by the fact that the other parent (which was coined by the LegalBeagle) of the frog is out of the country and thus, this 1st of many 1st went uncelebrated. 

I've also gotten the partnership agreement vetted by none other than the LB himself and he's given me the go-ahead to have its "i"s dotted and its "t"s crossed. I did detect a level of skepticism in his tone but I'm writting it off to his confidence level in the 2 parents maintaining sanity and harmony, despite it all :o) 

On this note, I have to say that I hate agreements. It is a necessity I know. But at the same time, it makes things so *ugh* And while many slippers would come flying my way if I were to skip this step, to me - it's a mere formality required by law, and not by my own choice. So yes Bear - I do trust him, fake name, age and all that jazz.

Fingers crossed, sometime in the next two weeks, we're gonna be having it done and then it's off to have the whole thing incorporated. And hopefully you'll see a posting on this sight in the next 30 days announcing a new website and product, that hopefully would benefit the people its to benefit. WHICH is not our own pockets, I might add.

The Workouts

Seeing how work has been quite stressful (juggling many balls with many bosses is definitely not easy), I have been diligently going for my workout classes of yoga and aerobics. And as mentioned a few days ago on my Facebook, I do apologise to everyone I have laughed at for taking yoga classes. It's a bloody pain in the arse - LITERALLY. 

And to all the guys out there who equates taking yoga classes to being able to live out some outrageous tantric sex moves - go smack the person who put that notion in your head!

I have yet to weigh myself but hey the clothes are fitting better, so it's all good. I might actually be able to keep up with my bosses when they come in two weeks time again *grins*

Mad March Hare

March is looking to be quite the month on my calendar. There's a wedding to attend ~ yes, I am finally attending weddings once again :o) My bosses coming to town and a whole host of social events for the company. Not forgetting it's green month with St Patrick's Day. And my alumni rep would be in town as well so it's free food and drinks at the Apartment @ KLCC. Add to that, and all the other projects on the plate, I might land myself a side-thingy doing book reviews for one of our local dailies as well (free books woo-hoo!!)

Lydia and Luke

You might be thinking, amidst all that, where does it leave Lydia and Luke? The same place as before, and in fact better! We've developed a routine of reading together Saturday mornings, a brunch at home, swimming in the evening and then a tosai dinner at our neighbourhood mamak. Sunday is of course Sunday School and then it's more play at home. 

I still make it Mum's to see them a few times a week and I've already put in my leave application for a few days in their up-coming school hols. Hopefully, a cheque would arrive before then so we can scoot off and have our family portraits done by a friend at a very reasonable rate. Which is I have decided, my birthday gifts to all of us for 2009. 

Add to that, a certain uncle they have yet to meet has said that he wants to

1) Blow up 200 balloons to fill up their room as a surprise when he comes back from wherever he has been sent to. (I promise when this happens, I'll post the pictures here as evidence!)

2) Teach them to play ball if they are keen.

I should be concern on this note cos I think he believes they are gonna grow up being absolutely straight as a stick by my influence and not give in to their crazy side. And he reckons that by doing this, he's gonna give them an opportunity at breaking free from mummy tyranic ways and influence them in being as crazy as he is *hmmmm* And we wonder why the twains have yet to meet!

Time for you..

Needless to say, I have not been able to catch up with you ~ my buddies in a while. But hey - you know what my schedule's like, and how I can be once I put my head down and get cracking. But don't let that stop ya from saying "Barbs - today is MY day! Meet me at such-and-such a time and place or I'll freaking ring your neck you hear?!"

Cos at the end of the day ~ my life is not complete without that cuppa latte at the Bucks, the din-din under the tree at Alor, or our fish-and-chip nasi-goreng lunch at JayTee's!

So don't be a stranger now - Barbsie can go without sleep just so everything fits!

Life's a Laugh

I have had this one framed thingy of sayings entitled "Life isn't always easy" and it's one of the few items that have moved along with me from one home to another.

Which is why I find it hilarious that after so many years (and yes, I am pretty certain it has been years!!) that I notice this message on the back that says:

Dear Barbie my Butt,

I am sending you this scroll becaue I have got less $$ to buy you luxury gifts in appreciation of your aging.

From,

Your other half-Ass

And for the life of me - I cannot remember who gave this to me, and thus who my other half-ass is!!!

Whoever you are - your gift brought a crackle and a laugh to good ole Barbie many years on! So to heck with luxury gifts eh?

Whispers in the Winds

Today was a very important day. Yet, I know exactly how the bear in the picture feels.

If words could turn into bits and bytes, one can only hope it could also get carried in the winds... 

Somebody wants you

Somebody needs you

Somebody dreams about you every single night

Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely

Somebody hopes that one day you will see

That Somebody's Me

Today was a very important day.. and you're not here to share it with me as you rightfully should be.

The Art of Stretching

"Hey that's the plan ~ just like playing the lottery. If we win, it's a bonus. Otherwise, we have got hope. Nothing to lose."

I read that line while rushing about the MPEX after missing my alarm this morning. And the first thought that came to mind was: He doesn't know me very well, does he?!

The bottomline is this: My ego is just way to big to take a loss. I.HATE.LOSING. 

Yes, yes - such a contradiction I know. Especially when I get myself into all sorts of loss-making situations. But the above is actually the sad, sorry, sordid truth - I do not like to lose. My pride cannot withstand such a beating, especially when it comes to my professional skill-sets.

Unfortunately, as LB and I have come to conclude: It's a shame I am not more nice to my own self. 

So off we go - just one more thing to add to my already-groaning-under-the-weight-of-stress-plate.

Basement Days

On Friday evening, GarlicBoy wrote me this: "Excellent barb! So you! I love it dude! Miss so much seeing your emails love… Miss ya dude!" It was in response to an email and a draft of something I did for my ex-boss, which he nicely circulated to the team for comments. 

nos⋅tal⋅gia

1) A wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, one's home or homeland, one's family and friends; 
2) A sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

"Why don't you go back to your former job?" is a question I get asked once a week (sometimes once in two weeks). And while my answer has always been "No way Jose!", deep down inside, I have often entertained that thought.

I do not know what it is about that environment ~ long days, long nights, endless hair-pulling, ceaseless game-playing ~ that draws me back constantly, like a moth attracted to the flame. I have been burnt there before, yet it is also one of the most fulfilling times of my life.

I have no complaints about where I am now. It leaves me time for things like help my friends out, build my smarts (cos apparently you're smart if you build something of your own, rather than have a job), spend time with my kids, write, read and exercise.

Still - moth attracted to the flame.

*Sigh* such is life isn't it? The grass is always greener on the other side, and sometimes, there is nothing more comforting that the familiar front lawn you tumbled, rolled and laughed around in.

Dog-Fights

re·luc·tant 

1. Unwilling; disinclined
   
2. Exhibiting or marked by unwillingness
   
3. Offering resistance; opposing.
   

I have a long list of things that I need to either 1) complete or 2) implement. The list started out small but it is growing as we speak. And it's not to say that I do not know how to do them. I'm just putting them down on paper, then folding them in half, and again in half, until it can fit snugly in a corner of my desk.

"I don't understand why you're so reluctant. You're like a fighter-pilot who has got the target locked in. Push the red button!"

It can be exasperating I know. Even I get exasperated with myself just thinking about it. And subconsciously, it is giving me a lot of grief (translate to read: STRESS). My sleeping pattern is again all out of whack, my eczema is flaring up, and half the time I am walking around with my head / mind / consciousness being somewhere else. 

It's really not a lot of things to complete - half of them fall under category (2). But this firecracker just doesn't seem to wanna be lit for some strange reason. And that is what I need to determine, in order to be like a cow and moo-on.

"If I were the chap in Mission Control - I would be yelling my head off at you to bloody push the red button ALREADY. But I'm not, so I am just going sit here and wait for you to come to your senses on your own. But please - you're already locked on. Just press it?"

I'll think about it - that much I can promise you.