Saturday, March 27, 2010

Strike a Pose?

I'm sitting here at Lydia's school, hardly able to catch a glimpse of her, but stuck behind a group of folks who feel they rule the school. Which is funny cos all I can see different about em is the skin color of half their husbands. And we thought our day has no place left for white supremacist mentality - obviously someone left these women out of the memo loop. Or perhaps they didn't include the Reader along with the memo.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Multiplication

I have opened and shut this page for the umpteenth time as I wait for our final candidate of the season to conclude his interview.

It's been a long season - the longest I think in the existence of this business. But something tells me it's worth the wait, the anxiety and the unbelievable amount of time spent on the phone and email. I have to believe that it will pay off cos if it doesn't, I'm just as good holding a live grenade in my hands.

I cannot believe though that I am picking this day to say out-loud that I'm overwhelmed. Yes, I am. Stressed doesn't underpin this emotion but overwhelm does. And I should have recognised it as it is a long time ago - after all, hasn't been "Defying Gravity" the theme song for the last 2 months?

The realisation of how far I have come, and how much further I have to go (when one thinks this is the pinnacle!) is blowing me away.

Life is an un-ending cycle, I know that. There never really is a finish line. It's like a relay - you get from one pass-point to another, except you're always the other runner waiting with his or her hands for the baton. Foolish me to think that at the end of this run, I'm done and home-free. There.Is.No.Such.Thing!

Especially if next year I do not want a repeat of tomorrow. And just what is tomorrow? The Sports Day of both my kids. Woo-Hoo you say? Yeah - woo-hoo indeed, except that they go to different schools. And so, unless I am able to miraculously wake up and find that I have physically and mentally split into another ME, one is going to be disappointed when the sun sets tomorrow.

It's things like these that gets to me. Things like knowing for a fact that one goes to a fee-paying school and another has to sweat the day out in an un-airconditioned classroom. That when my friends call me for lunch, half the time I shouldn't go cos I'm never the one reaching out to take the bill. Cos honestly, half the time, our lunch bill is massive enough to cover my entire month's grocery bill. That when the school holidays come round, everyone can make plans and take vacation days cos they are going off somewhere. But my vacation days are taken so my folks have a break from minding the kids. And yes, we stay home and veg out on the carpet in front of the telly.

As you can see, I can go on-and-on-and-on on the wee many things that overwhelm me. And no matter how I keep telling myself that it's just a few more months (6!), then the sun will come out and things will be alright. Or if not alright, at least better.

The road is long, windy and I cannot see the exit sign.

Perhaps multiplying me might not be such a good idea after all. This is not a scenario where the more is merrier. Having more simply means an extrapolation of the things that have been overwhelming me.

And we really do not need any more of those.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Lesser of Two Evils

I want to write. I want to unload everything that is clogged up in my head. That has been clogged up in my head. I do. Believe you me - how much I crave it.

For the last few mornings, when BFF Mandy asks me "What's been happening?" I want to just spill it all. But the truth is this: they have been shoved in, packed away and stuffed so far in, I don't know where to begin retrieving them out one-by-one.

So there. I want to write. I need to write. But I have yet to find the trigger point that will bring it all out. 

So for now, until that happens (which for those who know me will know that it lays waiting), we'll go with the lesser of two evils and say that "everything is just fine."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Heffalump

I awoke today to a posting on my Facebook wall saying "Bill wants to know what Barb is thinking... Her thoughts are scattered all over:)"


Now Bill is an old old old friend who I have lost touch with for a number of years. It brought a big smile to my face yesterday when he 'found' me on Facebook and I cannot wait to get some time and start filling in the gaps with him since the last time we met some 10 years ago at La Bodega.

It's funny how with some folks, time and space does not erase anything. I reckon he'd probably spent about 10 minutes going through my profile page to come to that conclusion as he did. But he was spot on cos my thoughts are indeed scattered all over the place.

I am trying to spend today, re-charging myself emotionally, physically and mentally. It has been a crazy month and the 2 days of vacation leave I took last weekend didn't really amount to very much. The body can recover over time spent under the smelly blanket but the mind doesn't work the same way. The mind needs quiet. The mind needs fuel. The mind needs peace before the soul can get back to where it was.

Nothing extraordinary has happened. Just a whole load of things going on, all small and almost negligible but begging to have attention paid. And I want to make the time to give that attention cos some of those episodes I do not want repeated again.

One of which would be my almost insane self-meltdown in my car, driving from my office to the hotel for a reception. It was utterly insane just because I was bringing a boy to a function and I was afraid he would do a no-show. It was utterly insane cos he worked his arse off for the whole week to make sure his back was covered at work sufficiently for him to split his own scene, and show up at mine for 2 hours before going back to work. It was utterly insane cos for what it is worth, I didn't give him the benefit of doubt when I would give him anything else that he can possibly ask for, dished up on a silver-platter to boot! It was not a pleasant place to be at and I can slap myself for thinking the non-existent elephant was going to fall from the sky. And because of that, I missed out on a whole lot of things that I cannot go back, reclaim and savour.

Another would be actually waking up soon from this sense of surrealism. The new future is already here. It is no longer in the distant horizon - it has arrived. Yet, I cannot bring myself to believe it in. I may say the words and all that jazz but each night, I go home and I cannot reconcile the present. Once, again, my lil imaginary elephant friend swings his trunk and lets out an imaginary tweet.

Pardon me if this posting does not make any sense. And it likely wouldn't until I have a little chat with my heffalump.

Wish me luck now!









Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Golden Years

I have often pondered, the wisdom of taking an "early retirement" especially in our country, where they shake your hand and send you off packing from the work desk at age 55 - which I think is a prime age.

Yesterday I had a quick chat with an Irish colleague who is reaching his retirement age of 65 later this year. An esteemed professor who exudes an air of long-forgotten nobility and gentlemanliness, I had somehow imagined his plans including a lot of travel and gardening.

But John is not going to be doing anything of that sort. He is in fact going to immortalise his illustrious teaching career by publishing a text book. And I am so blown away.

Cos for most of us, when we think retirement, we think of not having the responsibility of being obligated to deliver anything anymore.

Yet, here is this man, who is going to spend his golden years, delivering (in my opinion) the biggest obligation of his life.

*Double Wow* indeed!

 

Monday, March 15, 2010

Taking Stock

I'm sitting here and trying to catch a moment to take stock of the on-goings. Unfortunately, it has been an attempt that has been in progress for the last 10 minutes of so.

I am not sure if the trends have changed again. It some how feels too good to be true - this fueling of my sales spirit. Right up to the weekend, we have been processing applications and moving things forward towards the admissions line. And I must say, from where I am standing, even with some generous sprinkling of pessimism, it is still looking good.

"Don't count your chickens before your eggs hatch" - that is the golden rule I learnt from last year. Perhaps that harsh lesson was so traumatic that I have applied it to every instance, blocking out a lot of realities even though it is already there, right in front of my face.

Don't get me wrong. I am most certainly pleased. This is after all what every person with ambition and drive strives for in their career. Reflecting on my professional journey, in a place filled with many professional memories - I have come a long way. Never for once, way back then, did I ever think I'd stand in the same ballroom where an "Umph" (as a sign of assent) was eagerly awaited upon, and hear my own private limited company's name being mentioned, signalling the beginning of a new chapter.

I feel blessed. I AM BLESSED. 

Breathe in, breathe out 
There's only now 
And all I got, I'm holding in my hands 
We're breaking out of 
Brokenpromiseland 

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Ponderous Quiet Melting

Alex told Amanda that I am on a melt down. I suppose it is only natural for him to supposed as such, considering it has been a very long time that I have done a Loaded posting.

The last 24 hours has been somewhat topsy-turvy. Try as I may to expel the episode to the deep dark depths of Barbsie Doodle land, it was in nought. At 2 am I was still tossing, turning and channel surfing.

I still cannot conclude which hurt more - the feeling that I was let down (can we say again?) or the feeling that I had to mask it all cos I had absolutely nothing nice to say. The silence, allow me to clarify, was not a display of anger. It was just because I had nothing nice to say.

Like I said yesterday (though it must be noted at this point, allowing the fingers to spew the words out is far easier than digesting and accepting them in my head) - you know me better than anyone else. And my silence said as much to you.

Right now, I shall not think any further about it. You have started to make amends. I give you an A* for effort. And again, with the waters much calmer, I have to find time (not excuses) to sit down and re-evaluate what are my acceptable parameters and how I can best communicate them to you without me flying off the handle.

We can all say we live a life without expectations. But that is furthest from the truth. Not voicing out or acknowledging the existence of some expectations does not equate to having none at all. And as it was said in the movie - Did you hear about the Morgans ~ maybe having expectations is not such a bad thing after all. 

So long as it does not stem from any form of social, cultural, religious and what-have-you-not pressure.

So long as it belongs to you and it belongs to me. 

So long as we say it out loud.

Monday, March 8, 2010

More than 140 text characters

It was a beep I knew would come - sooner or later before the 17th. And Mandy and I have already said - when it happens, I will kill him, and she will sweep up the remains with a vacuum cleaner.

I have had 30 minutes to digest this. And it's not anger that comes to mind. But rather, saying it sadly, it is disappointment. And it's said sadly cos I know myself. When you start disappointing me, there's really not much left to talk about.

And so I'll say it here - I'm really not mad. Cos "getting mad" doesn't go with living without expectations. How you want to read that latter half of the sentence - I really do not have it in me to speculate. You know me well enough to know what my words say and do not say. You know me well enough to decipher and decode. But this really isn't about you and how you read it. But about me and how I read it.


It's really about me - being in this position and thinking to myself - "Who are you trying to kid?! Don't you know I've been lied to by the greatest of all liars, conned and hoodwinked by the biggest wolf in sheep's skin?" Which only tells me one thing and one thing alone. As much as it sounds as if I am yet again making excuses for you, I am not. I am being honest. I do not trust you. I have not yet learn to trust you. And if after all this time, I cannot naturally trust you - I don't know if I ever can.

As for my two best buddies ~ I know you mean well. But seriously - I've read the blog, I've rolled on the floor and I've hugged the bowl. And this is the choice I made. So love me with all my shit and emotional clutter; talk me down, not into a corner. Be for me what I have always promised to be for you - the one who'd sit alongside quietly at the bar when I need you to. No more. No less.

And this is all we're going to say about this. Ever. Kays?



We all know what I am like. One fine day - I will come round to it. But on my own accord.

GAP Kids

It was a marathon DVD Sunday night. And again I am reminded that if one's mind is somewhat clear, there are lessons or reminders waiting to be picked up at every which corner you turn. 

The one that stuck clear in my head was a line from the new Robin Williams - John Travolta movie called OLD DOGS. In which the lady said:
For 7 years, my son had never seen the inside of the men's room cos I am the only one around to take him to the bathroom.

The same thing happened to me on Saturday evening as the kids and I sought shelter from the rain in a shopping mall. Luke needed to go and off he went. Except that he exited the men's room in under 10 seconds. Cos there was no one else in there. That to a 7 year old kid is pretty creepy. So I had to cover his eyes and off to the ladies we went.


It was a bit of a hard pill to swallow, especially since that morning I had just witnessed a scene I have not seen in a long while for my kids ~ they had spent the morning playing football with their uncle. They wrapped up the session, got into the car and declared it was the "best day ever!" simply cos they got to do the outdoor thing.



So while I had plenty of laughs from the comedies last night, it also reiterated that in an ideal world (i.e. such as the movie world) it is always to the advantage of the child to have a complete set of parents. 

I can try to do many things for them, to make up for whatever I think is lacking simply cos they do not have a daddy in their lives. But as they grow up, I am increasingly challenged on how to cover these gaps. And these gaps will remain.

Run

There will always be somethings that you can away from but you can never hide.

Case in point ~ an email I received from the kids' uncle, informing that the attached was a list of the kids' chinese names and birthdates in chinese characters, written by their grandpa.



And while they know who Adrian and Danial are, one fine day, if we were to have to use this piece of paper - a whole can of worms are gonna come flying right out at me. Hibbie-jibbies!

Yes, they will always have this half sister running around out there somewhere. 

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Ms Big

I've been silent again here on Barbsie. A lot of thoughts have come and gone in this wee brain of mine. Some stayed and some vanished. And better yet - some vanquished.

A new pattern of living has emerged. Days are getting longer, simply by setting that alarm to go off an hour earlier. The extra time is once again channeled back into work. It's quite scary - these glimpse of a life I had abandoned 2 years ago. Scary cos I might lose balance all over again.

I remember a year ago, someone commented that the career change I made was akin to going into semi-retirement. The comment stayed not cos of the person (cos he is one we do not like, despite cited to be having ears that looks like mine) but cos at that time it was like "Wait a minute there!Hell NO boy! But over time, learning to lead a balanced life has made me sit down and realise that in all that busy-ness, I was really stuck in a vacuum space.

My favourite author, Paulo Coelho says this: Tal vez solo hay una vida para ser vivida. Pero si lo haces bien, una vez es suficiente ~ You may only live once. But if you do it right, once is enough. 

Living right used to be having a position that is respected and envied. Living right used to be driving the right car, wearing the right clothes, sending the kids to the right school and mixing with the right crowd. Boy was I blind! And it took a bit of semi-retirement to see the light.

The world shook once again last week, even as we are still grappling to recover from its last bout of “itchies” (Luke’s way of understanding earthquake) it had. And while they may be deaths of people who are absolute strangers to me, there is a lesson to be learnt – if we but open ourselves to it.

Perhaps it is a bit premature, but today, I will celebrate the life of a lady named Margaret who I read about in Tara’s blog. I will go to church this evening and light a candle in her name. For she has gone ‘home’ to await the angels who will come to take her back to her Father. And I will celebrate the people who have made it possible for her to do this.

The last time I wrote, I asked myself “What can I do then today, on my borrowed time, that would make me proud of who I have become?” I have yet to find my answer. I have many thoughts, many plans – all stuck in this wee two bit head of mine, waiting to be downloaded.

Something is holding me back. Something is keeping me from moving forward. I do know what it is and I’m trying to wrap my head around it so that I can be unwrapped from it.

Maybe Ben is right – Why do I always have to seek to change the whole world? Why can I not be satisfied if what I do today, this minute, this moment, can help change the life of just one?

I do not have the answers for those questions. Not yet at least. All I know is this for now ~ I don’t want to be blind again. Not when I see and read of so many folks who really see the light and is living being led by it. And because I do not want to be blind again, I do have to find the answers to those two questions.

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye ~ I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down