Broken Crackers

crude ~ adjective

1. Being in an unrefined or natural state; raw.
2. Lacking tact or taste; blunt or offensive
3. Characterized by uncultured simplicity; lacking in sophistication or subtlety
4. Not carefully or skillfully made; rough
5. Undisguised or unadorned; plain

I've got crackers to break this morning for I have just gotten a remark in reply that is so crude I am in a state of utter disbelief! But I guess that's people for you ... shooting their mouth off when they can think of nothing else to say.

Here's a hint - Next time stop at "I'm cool" or I'll even let you borrow my signature "No biggy". Freaking "am not animal" doesn't cut the same effect.

Yes, I am cheesed off and you can bet your bottom dollar that I will say something about it, once I get my wits about me.

And if you think it floats my boat, such language - I'll freaking break your crackers the next time I see you.

Look left, look right

re·al·i·ty ~ noun

1. The quality or state of being actual or true
2. One, such as a person, an entity, or an event, that is actual
3. The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence
4. That which exists objectively and in fact

Here I stand alone with this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Well I tried but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

It is a harsh morning of stark realities. Not entirely on my front lawn but painful nonetheless. And no one is to blame for this. It is just one of those lil dark clouds that would roll in unannounced and pour as heavily as it can over your head, catching you unaware.

I told a dear friend this morning in not so many words this morning that he would never likely get what he wants out of life right now cos he's not ready to make that change. To accept that it's one of those 3-in-1 coffees - just add water. And I wish I wasn't the authority on the subject-matter.

Many roads to take
Some to joy, some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

I heard from Whites over email a few days ago. And he told me to drop Ben and find a good guy. My reply to him: He is a good guy. A great guy. And a number of people agree with me. Garlic just told me last night that he sounds like a fantastic guy for running by me what I thought of him taking a job in Singapore, and how that would affect this so-called-form of "us".

I may have accidentally evaded having to answer that question. But even if I was conscious about what it was he was asking, I would not have given him the answer to it. Not because I am less than honest, or hiding under the carpet next to the dust bunnies. But because there is a bigger picture that has not been drawn into the scene. And that bigger picture would be of Lydia and Luke.

And it would always be primarily Barbsie, Doh-doh and Lukey, no matter what. Should someone else want to be part of the scene, they have to acknowledge that the leading stars would always be these two. We would be merely supporting actors with quite possibly our own spin-off. But in the main show, it would always be them and it is not something up for debate or discussion.

Garlic always tells me that it is never easy for another guy to accept someone else's children to be his own. But it doesn't mean it cannot happen. It has and quite possibly one would be blessed enough to see that happening in our own backyard as well.

But for now, if you ask me why this whole Monday-thing is still in limbo: I would tell you it's because I know the harsh realities of life. He cannot give me any more than what is on the table and I know better than to ask for pain by wanting more than.

I do not want to go thru yet again what I have gone thru before. Even hearing of someone else being in that position right now just rips my guts out. And I do not want to put someone I love thru what another that I care very much about is going thru.

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed ... If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

Life and love is hard enough as it is on its own. What more when one tries to simplify it by going the route of Instant Coffee? Yes, it's called being scared and scarred. Yes, it's called being defensive. But someone's gotta draw the line and be the protector at some point in life. Unfortunately, the role almost always falls onto one and it is the one who does not speak of what goes on inside of their head but sit on their balcony and be very, very still.

Cos there is nothing else that we can do when we are in the position of looking right to love and joy, and to the left with love and sorrow. The right and left hand claps and we're caught in the middle.

What If
Kate Winslet

Mahogony

Ben once told me an average human being only has about 15% of his entire life to do the things he likes to do, i.e. time for him or herself. A vast majority of his life would be spent working. The remaining time would be spent between time in the bathroom, time sleeping and time traveling.

Now, assuming a person lives to age 70, which would be a grand total of 613,200 hours. 15% of that would be 91,980 hours to yourself. At that time when he shared this “discovery” of his, he seemed quite contented to have only about ninety-thousand hours of his entire lifetime, doing the things he liked to do which was play ball and hang out with his mates.

Yet, the last few months has just been so crazy, ninety-thousand hours don’t seem to be enough for him anymore. And this was a position I didn’t ever think I would see him arrive at.

I once wrote that there are “so many definitions and so many interpretations of 4 lil alphabets. Seen the same way via the calendar and the many variations of time-keeping equipment, yet different in each person’s mind’s eye.”

I have friends who envy me for having so much time on my hands these days. They wished they were in my shoes – working the requisite 9-to-5 and having the full weekend off. I in turn, listen to their stories of “chaos” and “crisis” at their workplaces with droll running down my lips. Go Figure! It’s not to say that I do not appreciate having a more laidback life these days. I do. I have time to spend with my kids. I have time to read and still sleep. But I didn’t get here by accident.

I have done my time – 5 years of it – and so I count it that I am now reaping the fruits of my labour. I have been at the beck-and-call of my bosses. I have dashed out the door on important dates and not looked back in that instant, but regret it till kingdom come later on. I have decided that was not a life and I am done with it.

Al once said that “Time management isn't about time or management. It's about knowing what's important in life.” It is not merely the physical consciousness of the moving of hands on the face of the clock. It’s about being there In.The.Moment with another.

While I miss my 16-hour days, 4 pm lunches at the desk and 10 pm dinners eaten like a zombie, I know that all that I achieved in those hours, cannot make up for hearing my kids squeal with glee as I walk thru my parent’s front door. The energy I give up in dealing with customers and staff, cannot equate to the pleasure I derive from wiping down the house with L&L on a Saturday morning or being the tow-truck in the pool on a Sunday afternoon.

I quite like seeing things clearly, as one does when one is not harried. I quite like having my mind uncluttered so that when people speak, I am truly listening and not making a mental list of what needs to be boxed off the next day at work. And I suppose that is what Ben (and perhaps maybe even the Bear) has come to realized.

But if a change is to be taken, no one can force their hand to it. It is something that each of them must consciously decide to take up and do. Cos people like us – we’re not built like the cashier or the dvd seller. And thus the effort to free up more time for ourselves, to tip the scale towards a simple life, is much harder to achieve.

You have to decide that watching the sun go down outside of your office space is something you wanna do – on an almost daily basis. It’s kinda like quitting smoking – if you ain’t got the will-power, you’re only gonna end up stressing yourself out and smoking even more. And then you’d be left with solo papayas that dry up and become prunes.

So here's my question for the day: Is this just stemming from the frustrations you're feeling from being caught in the eye of the tornado, or have you reached a pivotal moment where you will change the way your life is, for the better?

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life's been showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Is the trade-off going to be good enough for you? Cos if it ain't - I'd suggest you leave it as be then.

Theme from Mahogony
Diana Ross

Ask and Ye Shall Receive?

A whole lot has been blogged about. But seeing how it's a Tuesday, none of them have been the post-Monday type posting.

Lying here with you, listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face

For the better part of the day, and the whole of last night, I have been stuck in a place inside my head. A place that was both happy and sad at the same time.

Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me

What was once a grey area, has either 1) gotten murkier or 2) gone clear. I can't decide which it is, though 33 years of living tells me it's gone the way of the latter only to reach the infamous Barbsie dam.

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life

It wasn't suppose to go this way. Well, there was hope but there was also the negativity. And now that we are there, I do not know what to do with it. If I was an actor, the critics would write it up as a severe case of stage-fright. Monday's writing it off to me being me.

These are the moments I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this

I can sit and tell the Bear - he's got a lil London Tube gap going on over there in his life, yet I cannot take my own medicine. And I've got a much better gap than the Bear has. I got the 'directive' in the form of "Don't move too far cos I'm the one who has to drive." Errr... *Duh*

Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true

I also got the Question! Well, not the question that all of you are probably thinking, but it doesn't fall into Garlic's definition of "nice and easy" ones as well. And I think I aced that one, given it was THE MODEL answer, except that it was the model answer for a different examination board.

I could not ask for more than this time together with you
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you, here with me

So yeah... grey area is not quite so the grey anymore. Doesn't mean I am pure happy and accounted for. And it doesn't mean I am any less frustrating, to both Monday and my own reflection. I'm exasperating I know. But if you have made so many mistakes in life, you really don't wanna make another. And so we sit and do nothing. Say nothing. But hope and pray that we're showing everything that's gone un-said.

Maybe I should just make life easy. Not say anything but do what I have always done before with the men in my life - send them a link to The Shooter and let em read all about it! Cos I really can't think of any other way or a possibility where I could sit down, look him in the eye and say the right answer to the right exam....

I found all I've waited for
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I think I shall go home and sleep on it... And yes, I can hear what you're saying - I'm thinking too much!

... Eventually, I'll round to not doing that and listen to you, kays?... but not right now.

I could not ask for more
Edwin McCain

Wave Back Dad!

The Shooter entered new territories today and I am proud and pleased to see it come to this stage. It hit a record number of hits today, and it's pretty much thanks to one new reader, who I am surprised to see, interested to follow the links and read on.

Those of you who follow, would know that this is my rant box, my virtual dumping ground. My version of no-holds barred on my life, the everyday that I go through, the things I think about. It's not something I go out and broadcast (Hey! Check out my blog!) because sometimes in my rant, I know I would surely offend.

I have in the past, imposed sanctions on persons much written about. I have also, come to terms that to know me the best, it is thru The Shooter. Which is probably why I choose to do what I did today.

par·ent ~ noun

1. One who begets, gives birth to, or nurtures and raises a child; a father or mother.
2. An ancestor; a progenitor.
3. An organism that produces or generates offspring.
4. A guardian; a protector.

Most people are lucky to have a full-set of parents. And for those who don't, I can only pray that they are as lucky as my Lydia and Luke to have persons stepping forward to fill their world endlessly with the love that a father should give.

One of the things that I wonder about a lot as these two rug-rats of mine grow, is what kind of relationship would we have in ten years (when she's 17 and he's 15). Would they yell and scream at me, telling me "You don't understand me!" Or would they come by the room at night and say "Mum, have you got a minute to listen?"

We all have our own versions of the ideal parent-child relationship. It could be the type that we share with our own parents or it could be something we've read about or watched on the telly. Truth be told, there is no one ideal status of relationship when it comes down to parent and child. Cos as we grow older, so do they.

I remember enjoying a very close bond with my dad but over the years, the one who is in the know with what's going on with my life (or at least lil bits of it) has been my mum. I'm not sure if what she gets from me, she passes on to dad - I can only assume it's mentioned in passing at times.

But lately, as I recollect the conversations I have had with dad, it has always been rather business-like ~ talking about the weather, about colleagues, about bosses, about crisis at work. Never truly about what we each thought and felt - the several occassions would normally come to a heed with someone blowing up or just staying mum.

It's never really dawn on me that the "closeness" was superficial - it may have had breath but it lacked depth. And it's not something I want to continue.

Our parents are our safe haven. They are the ones who would sit with you, hold your hand and tell you you're gonna be alright. But they can only do that if we allow them to. And honestly, I have not. I have been keeping them at bay.

And that's probably why I sent Dad an email with a link to something I wrote earlier today - adding with jest that if he didn't hear from me, the link would roughly give him an indication on where I can be found.

I didn't really count on him hopping, skipping and running through the blog but he did.

*Pause*

It's unchartered waters - this much I know. I remember Pups anguishing over what to write after his mum found his blog. But to do that - impose censorship on myself, my thoughts, would be akin to placing myself under the ISA, minus the front-page publicity.

Dinner was kinda awkward, I thought. I think Dad's trying to make sense on the facets of Barbsie that he has read about. I think he's trying to reconcile his little girl with the unseen face behind the words of The Shooter. It's tough and I do not want to be in his place right now when it comes down to this.

But hey - it's kinda liberating. Cos at least I know now, if he keeps up a following, he'll know where I am in life. And if the basic parenting instinct kicks in, he'll fish me out of the deep end of the ocean if he reads of me doing my occassional drowning.

So Dad - you're very welcomed here, as my Irish bosses would say.. Wave back with a smile!

Shame and My Lil Blue Card

According to Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English ~ A blog is an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page.

I read with angst that a blogger has been detained for a period of 2 years, without trial under the country’s Internal Security Act. This “celebrity” has been on our front pages for jotting down his un-censored thoughts on the state of our country, and the people running it.

Al wrote an interesting piece on him recently and I agree with Al fully on it – this individual is dangerous and somewhat a loose canon. But THAT does not give anybody the right to lock him away without trial for a specific time period, just because he is giving the people what they want – minus the sex of course.

I am infuriated by this out-right violation of the Freedom of Speech laws by the powers-that-be. It is utter snobbery of them to think their signature is mightier than the pen. With this violation, they are deeming themselves to be greater than laws written and accepted by the rest of the world. They are deeming themselves to be God by denying a person of his human right to “hold opinions without interference.”

Have they not read Article 19 of the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights? Have they not spoken with their European counterparts on Article 10 of the European Convention on Human Rights? Have they not watched enough American movies citing The First Amendment?

I feel as though I belong to a nation of ID10Ts. The Poeple-in-Power has just made me feel like I have no brain with this "threat" into my personal space by trying to make an example of another.

IF their intent was one of keeping country-and-citizen harmony, they have failed horrendously (for lack of a better word!!). Can you not hear the strains of the song from Les Miserables: Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again! I may not work on a cotton farm, and I may not have chains around my ankles. But treat me the way you are, I might as well be a slave in old Missisippi!

IF their intent was one of continuing their stay in power, they have just cast the vote against their ownselves. Have an election today and you'll be going out in worse graces than those of Thaksin Shinawatra. (He's got a football club in a nice European country - what have you got?)

IF their intent was one of sending a message of warning to the Rakyat to behave like the schoolkids or risk being sent to the Principal’s Office, they have just created their own Columbine.

Our country has been generous to ensure that each of us receives a stipulated amount of learning. For Christ's sake, do not undermine the education system you have given your people by making them look as if they are incapable of forming their own opinions and knowing where the balance between Lies and Half-truths.

This whole issue of inciting the revolution via a news blog in my opinion is nothing but a whirlwind wordplay romance, hotter than Gone with the Wind. The notoriety of the said site of sedition precedes one reading it ~ it is to be read in place of having a teh-tarik conversation with the dude. As with any mamak outings so entrenched in our culture, one should know not to take each and every word exchanged as the Gospel truth. It is BUT the hot, fiery opinion of a very passionate individual. And just because I read it, doesn't mean I would act on it.

My sympathy today goes out to the family of RPK and the challenges they face ahead. Two years - that's a lot of kilometres for ferrying toothbrushes, toothpaste and soap!

But more importantly, it lies with the Them-who-think-they-be-God for their stupidity is now shining like a full-moon against the dark night. If they thought they could get away with another utter-no-brainer act like this and still be liked ~ they thought wrong. One fine day soon, they are gonna feel like the guy who held his kid down asking "Who's ya Dah-dy?" and getting the answer "Mummy says it's Uncle Bob" in reply.

It is truly a bleak day, despite the upbeat start. God help our country and her people who carry its lil blue MyKad. May it melt in our wallets the instant it sees light. For it is no longer a piece of card that bears any honour. I'd much rather carry a Zimbawean Dollar.

For once in my life, I hang my head in shame by having to call myself a citizen of Malaysia.

Restless Bones

wea·ry ~ adjective

1. Physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain.
2. Characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey.
3. Impatient or dissatisfied with something (often fol. by of): weary of excuses.
4. Characterized by or causing impatience or dissatisfaction; tedious; irksome: a weary wait.

It was another house hunting weekend. And I am tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Finally, after weeks of going thru ad after ad, I found a unit in the area I was looking at, only to be severely disappointed. And this was HOW disappointed I was - I couldn't wait to return to my sandiwara-type pigeon hole and curl up in bed! It was small, run down and well, let's just say it was so bad, nothing would convince me to live there.

I also found the apartment of my dreams - in the vicinity of the area I would like to live in, quiet, set on a hill, brand new (yes - brand new in a very old area!), huge (over 1300 square feet!) and I'd have my garden, while living in a box. Unfortunately, good, new and nice things don't come in 3-figure rental rates. And we don't believe in paying a ringgit over RM 999.00 in rent, do we now?

That's a total of 4 places I have been to seen in a span of weeks. For the life of me, in my years of living away from mum and dad's, I cannot recall another time when I so diligently sourced for a place to rest my bones and call home.

I am seriously on the verge of giving up, caving in and buying a Little Tikes playhouse, park it in the Bear's 2nd carpark lot and call it home.

It wouldn't be all that bad and I'd save some RM 500 from paying rent. Plus, I'd have a fully equipped kitchen, living room, balcony (with plants!!) and AV room with Plasma TV at my disposal. Only thing would be - where would I park my WiNK Mobile and what do I do when it rains and I need to pee??? And do you think the neighbouring cars would mind very much if I had the occassional visitor over?

What do you think? Should I get one in country colours or go with the Barbie Doll pink?

Author's Note:
Seriously now, we all know this Lil Tikes house thingy ain't gonna work.. so be a doll and help me keep a lookout for a nice pigeon hole that is:

1. Not too far away from the city (not more than 10 km and RM 2 in toll??)
2. On the same side of the Valley as Subang, and
3. On or under RM 1K in rent.

I promise I'd be eternally grateful, you'll be on the invite list to the 1st meal cooked in new hole!

Exasperation!

My folks didn't let me study Hospitality cos they said it wasn't a life with its hours. So I studied Accounting, Economics and International Finance instead over the years. I'm sure they'd be glad to not see me practice any of it professionally right now. Not when those who do are telling me they've gotta get back to work - At.This.Hour.

I'm exasperated! Seriously? SERIOUSLY!

i'm not the one who's required to be awake at this hour to work but I'm equally exhausted. I'm smoking way too much and drinking coffee way too much as well. I'm also snacking on way too many Kit Kat bars and SunMaid raisin packs. And the stupidity of the whole thing is - I could just bloody turn my phone off and snooze.

But I can't do that.. or rather, can't bring myself to do that.

Them who know me, would know that I'm the sort who would sit up till 4 am just so no one comes back to a dark, silent and still sleeping house.

Them who know me, would know that I'm the sort you can ring at all hours of the day, and unless I'm drugged out - I'll take your call, even if it's my day off and it's 6 in the morning.

And so I suppose... it's more of this...

...until Life becomes normal once again... Which I'm told wouldn't be any time soon...

Oh Santa come quickly!

Au Dieu Font-tane Man!

Slightly over a year ago, I was handed this resume of a chappie with an unpronouncable surname. It caught my then boss's eye cos he was his fellow countryman (tho Martin was doubtful cos he said the surname didn't sound anything remotely Swiss!). But nonetheless, we rung the chap up and we met up with him one fine morning. Little was I to know then, that what was another face in a whirlwind of interviews, I was to make a new friend - a very good friend.

You know him here as the WhiteBoy and in the space of 18 months, he's inspired a number of blog postings here ~ from hilarious observations of the boy-mentality on sex, to what it takes to cut the mustard at work.

Through the WhiteBoy, I learnt to live life once again. Without Whites, the following would never be among my list of "Be there, done that:"

1. Pick up my one-and-only touching the Below-10-bandwith dude
2. Have cheese fondue
3. Have absinthe (!!!)
4. Dance like a 18-year-old on a work night

Despite the many-things he's not (though he aspires to be), the one thing that he is and would be is a GREAT GUY WITH KIDS! He single-handedly restored my faith in chaps by showing me that kids and men can go hand-in-hand. I don't recall my kids ever showing that much affection to another chap who is not family, save for Whites! He even took them to the bathroom when they needed to go at some futsal tournie!

Whites has been there through the good and he's sat there though the bad. He was the first person to know about Monday in some back alleyway stairwell one Tuesday afternoon. He was also the only chap who sat with me in the blazing sun when I had that dark day in March at work.

Why am I harping about this WhiteBoy so much tonight? Simply because today, as we had our last outing together before he gets on the plane and head on home in 48 hours, I realised that Whites has become about the only person I could ever tell everything to - and I do mean everything.

I may have gotten used to not picking up the phone and going "Rokok?" every few hours in a day and I may have gotten used to not crashing some party mid-week. I know with emails, Facebook and blogs, the distance is a mere physical hindrance.. Plus we're suppose to meet in Europe each summer when I go for our 1-hot-sizzling-affair every 365 days! But that doesn't mean I will get used to the fact that my ciggie-buddy-turned-soulmate is no longer just a hop, skip and run away.

So here's my tribute to this dude who has brought lots of smiles to my face and certainly brightened many a gloomy day and night.

All the best Boy! Here's to you enjoying the rest of your life!

The best picture I could find that captures the essence of this boy.
Whites is the one with the googly-eyes in the thick of things.

Numbers Bummers

I wrote the following to Monday yesterday morning:

The world has gone all topsy-turvy. From right round the other side of the world from the bursting of the investment banking bubble, to our own shores with all the "he-says, he-said". Everytime I turn on the telly or read the papers, I find myself shaking my head in angst. I wonder if it could get any worse - would my head one of these days soon roll right off my neck from the endless shaking?

For the life of me, I cannot recall a more dark and sinister period in my entire 33 years of living. It appears to be one crisis after another! "What's wrong with everyone?!" is a phrase that is constantly at the back of my head, awaiting the moment when it would rip lose from my vocal chords. My mum is praying it doesn't happen when I'm at some open space somewhere, lest she has to bring me toothbrush, toothpaste and soap at Kamunting. But don't you feel the frustration?

I certainly do and I'm trained in the field to manage and manipulate numbers. Yet, one can only take so much of it. $ 613 billion in debts, $ 85 billion in loans, RM 2.55 per litre, 911 disaster, 513 racial unrest, 916 Malaysian Day - You name it and they'll numberise it for you, Free-Of-Charge!

I recall someone once saying that you can rationalise everything that happens in our world through the theory of numbers. But in the last 2 weeks or so, I feel it has gotten way out of hand. I mean, all these numberisation is nothing but a terminology that someone somewhere said in some speech and thrown to the public at large.

Enough of the "he-says, he-said" thingy-ma-jig! Consolidate if you must to prevent the markets and iBanks from seizing up and shutting down. Storm the offices and demand a face-to-face if the Mafia style table-talk invites aren't being accepted.

For once, I wish someone somewhere would shut their trap and focus their thoughts on correcting things, instead of pushing the blame elsewhere, out in public to boot. Them who remain seen, should realise that each and every word uttered is noted and used a thousand-times over.

And the world today, with the aid of technology, has just too many bummers sitting along the sidelines, waiting for yet another set of numbers to bum along to the next!

Author's Note:

If you fail to see this blog being updated ever again, be a nice soul and offer my mum the drive to Kamunting so that I would still have my own full set of teeth after 60 days.

Medium Rare?

A week ago, I wrote about being asked a question for which I do not have an answer for ... Well I have it now...

Just thought you might like to know that.

What have I been up to?

... Well, here's a run-down:

Fiddling with the remote on Astro @ Play

Yups folks - hit Channel 882 on your Astro remote control and enter in an addictive world of TV-games.

Watching the world churn on Bloomberg

Need I say more?

Pigging Out All By Myself

If you've watched Sex in the City (the Movie), you'll know where I'm heading - down the Samantha road!

Good grief - I seriously have to stop this one! I will not end up being as fat as Samantha (the character) is!

Sporadic Kicks

And when I do manage to pry myself off the couch, away from the food and the remote, I try to make up for the extreme binging with another bout of binging!

Is it working? Not really - not when one goes only when one feels the extreme need to release a whole load of pent-up pressure!

The BJJ Project

Last but not least, I'm working on a small project - affectionately called the BJJ-Be-Gone in a box.

Nothing much else has been happening.. I'm still alive... and occassionally kicking... And no.. the thumbsies have not gotten pissed with the increased in activity and walked off my palms yet!

Try and have a good day now y'all!

When A Big Boy Falls

Tonight, over 20,000 families would not rest easy. They probably haven't been. That is the harsh reality of the fall of the big brother Lehman.

We can be like ostriches and say it's got nothing to do with us. But from a employee to another, it COULD happen to us some day too. Upon graduation a decade ago I wanted nothing more than to work for them (or Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan for that matter). In hindsight, I'm lucky to not have been good enough for them.

At least I can sleep easy tonight, knowing I have my job tomorrow.

Of Statues and Sanity

in•fal•li•ble ~ adj.

1. Incapable of erring
2. Incapable of failing; certain

I have been agonizing since Wednesday night over a situation. A situation which has made me feel very much alone cos 1. It’s not my place to discuss it with my buddies and 2. The person, who’s brought me into it, has chosen to just not talk about it.

Them, who know me, would know that I am not the sort who can sit still and do nothing. I cannot be thrusted into a situation and be expected not go into “rescue”-mode. So this is a freaking round-hole-square-peg situation.

Let’s face it. They say that one should never put another on a pedestal ~ them idols tend to be made of cement or some sort of plaster and can almost never survive the fall. But I have been thinking – did I really put this person on a pedestal? Did I think so highly of him, that I thought he was infallible ~ when he’s done his fair share of failing!!!

*Sigh* I suppose at the end of the day, it’s not really my problem and there’s nothing I can do about it if said person chooses to not involve me. And because there is no other option – the best that I can do is to turn him and his challenge over to the Higher Authority and pray that he’ll come out of this without a scratch.

And that I don’t lose even more of my own sanity over this! One broken statue on the ground is enough to clutter. We don't need another.

Here I am

It's a sad day. I'm feeling lost as to how someone can feel better and be lifted out of his doldrums.

If I knew him better, I suppose I would know what I can do or say. But truth be told, I don't know him all that well ... and so, I dunno how I am to be. I don't even know how to begin communicating the fact to him that he's not alone, that I'm here and would always be.

I suppose I can do nothing but remain here until he learns to look this way.

Doneness

Someone asked me yesterday: What have I done to deserve having you in my life?

It's a funny thing to ask me (tho I know a lot of my close pals would disagree). It's so funny, it's almost surreal.

Maybe I'm just that TOO NICE a girl - the one who feeds the sick and invalid... the one who removes all the staples from stacks of documents so that everyone's recycled paper tray remains full... the one who volunteers to take on the bound-to-die-project and be its hospice nurse.

Or maybe it's cos I'm a simple person, so lil things don't escape me.

I dunno. I am who I am. I do the things I do cos it feels right.

I haven't found the right reply yet and seriously - I doubt I will (cos I have been asking myself the same question for the past 72 hours and can't even sniff the smoking of an answer!)

But then again... maybe someday I will... I'll let you know then.

Lest We Forget

What were you doing tonight, 7 years ago?

The day that changed ... the way we feel about our neighbours, our family, our world.

The day that changed ... the casualness one feels when one travels, to a feeling of dread and fear to some extent.

The day that changed ... how we feel when we leave the house in the morning, after an argument, often making us stop and turn back to say "bye" despite our anger.

I would always remember, despite 7 years on, the grippling fear that crept through my alcohol buzz as I sat in a hotel room, watching CCN show images of the buildings falling down. All I wanted to do was to get home as soon as I possibly could to see one face.

7 years on.. this face still remains as gorgeous as she did then... and seeing her face still brings the same joy and relief that it did the day after 9-11.

Lest we forget, how much more fortunate we are as compared to those who never got to have the day after.

Lil Gal Blue

I am staying out as late as I can .. I can't bear to go back home.

It's a shame that it had to be this way
It's not enough to say I'm sorry
Maybe I'm to blame
Or maybe we're the same
But either way I can't breathe
Either way I can't breathe

I am quite amazed actually that I can go on this long without any mental melt-down, other than the few minutes when I wake up in the morning, and the few minutes before I go to sleep. A constant in my nightly mobile communication with the Man Upstairs has been ~ Please God, let sleep enfold me as soon as my head hits the pillow. Of course, this is said as I brush my teeth (kinda defeats the purpose if I say it when I am already in bed!).

I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive
Cause everything we've been through
And everything about you
Seemed to be a lie
A guiltless twisted lie
It made me learn to hate you
Or hate myself for letting it pass by

I am keeping myself busy - doing things that I don't have to do - like take work home when there's nothing urgent to look into tomorrow morning. Just so I don't have to sit on my couch and stare at the dent I have made on The Wall.

And every, everything isn't only what it seemed
So hold these words that you never told me
It's time to say goodbye

Bear says I am who I am, and my life is the way it is for a reason. I am trying very hard to swallow this one - I know, I shouldn't be questioning - S.U.R.R.E.N.D.E.R.

I asked today, if I should sign up for the programme that begins in February - at least I have something to look forward to. I am not supposed to.

I asked today, if I should forget about the whole moving thingy and stay where I am ~ cos right now, the only logical location for me to move to, is the last possible place I want to be - everyday. I am to move out of the current pigeon hole and move on to another.

Take my hand away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong

Someone reminded me today that if I had chosen to surrender and live life accordingly, then I must take each hurdle in my stride, and believe in that I am not walking alone. That if I ask to learn certain lessons in life, then I must see each as what I had asked and LEARN the lesson, once and for all.

All I had to say is goodbye
We're better off this way

I have a pack and a half left of fags before I call it a day on that vice. It's not the best of times to be quitting smoking (yes - there never is a good time!). My patience is failing me. My sanity is failing me. My tastebuds for enjoying the alcoholic buzz is failing me as well.

If I sat really still and be quiet - would it all go away? Would they then stop calling me the Lil Gal Blue?

Why does everything have to be so difficult?!

Goodbye
Secondhand Serenade

And So It Is

Okay - I have to state before I begin, that there are a great number of things that I'm gonna be blogging about tonight, all thanks to Garlic and his 3 glasses of Trout Creek Sauvignon Blanc.

~ ** ~

I have been right silent the whole day on the Shooter, though there were many thoughts that needed dislodging. I choose to stay silent, to mull over yesterday a little bit more. And here's a run down of what I did since my last post:

1. I went home and mixed up a litre of Screwdriver (half vodka, half orange juice), poured myself a big glass of it, took a sip, threw the glass's contents as well as the jug's contents down the sink hole.
2. Sat and watched the whole Season 1 of Army Wives, except that after 8 episodes, it got quite depressing cos every lady in there were either 1) Married for a long time but still in love or 2) Very much in love and newly married.
3. Thumped my head repeated into THE wall (I shall NOT elaborate why a wall has a name in my house) after getting a Monday text. It's not all that bad and it was done in lieu of breaking something, anything.
4. Sat on my couch and realised that I had absolutely no real concrete reason to be doing any of the above.

And so it is that Barbsie hasn't changed very much at all, despite Grey's Anatomy Season 4 ending on a bright and shiney note for Meredith Grey.

~ ** ~

I just spent the last couple of hours at Garlic's apartment, sitting on his balcony, drinking wine and talking. I told him he needed to get rid of the ladies shoes on the shoe-rack and the pics of his ex-gf around the house. I also told him what was up with the world which according to CNN, CNBC, BCC, Bloomberg and The Star Online this morning:

1. John McCain has managed to catch up with Barack Obama in the opinion polls since the Convention. He is now only 1% behind as the next President the people of USA would choose.
2. The prices of oil is now at its lowest, thanks to the rising USD.
3. The USD is rising and the Asian markets recovering becos the US Feds decided on Sunday to bail out Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.
4. Japan is likely to have its first female PM.
5. PKR is pissed cos their likely fence-jumpers have been shipped off to Taiwan for some study tour.
6. The hurricane is likely to skip Florida over the next two days and hit South America instead. It's not good news cos it's gonna cause flooding in Dublin and flight delays and I have students heading out there for the first time.

And so it is that the world is definitely in a lot of uncertainty and turmoil (way beyond the rising cos of our petrol prices) and it is being driven by many forces out of our control, AND it's not a nightmare that anyone is gonna wake soon from.

~**~

I have been neglecting my fave Astro channel off-late - Asian Food Channel. I can't even whip up a decent meal for myself in the last two weeks. It's been traded off with the 4 channels mentioned above.

Yes - that's what I do each morning when I wake up, while having my fry-up-in-a-mug, my coffee and my pot of yogurt. It's nothing much to shout about, except for the fact that I have the News Channel subscribed to, for the plain simple reason of knowing what to expect when the phone goes ding-dong and I see a familiar name pop up. Go on - smack me on the head! I deserve it.

Everything I know today, is a result of someone else. Mobile communications cos Darshen did his Masters in Satelite Comms. PR, A&P cos Ray ran his own A&P company. Property cos Sen's a Property Manager. And now this - the way the world is and the state of the economy cos said person is a bloody economist with an international bank.

But it's a good thing ain't it? Cos it keeps me on top of things that's happening in the world. Especially when I've been in jobs that are pretty much vacuum-packed Cryovaced pouches ~ Fairview being Godpa's world, the restaurants being contained within the limits of channel 707 and 703, and the current one all happening in Eire.

And so it is, that I'm a people-driven person and it's something that hasn't changed, despite 10 years on.

~**~

I guess a lot of people out there who reads the Shooter have been wondering how did my world collapse overnight, with a blink of the eye?! Pretty simple really - one wrong move, a wrong word said and literally kaboom! Especially when one has played the game so well.

Monday once said to me that Sex is the City was a whole bunch of crap cos in real life, Mr Big doesn't have the time in the world to do the stuff he does with Carrie on the telly. Back then, of course, I laughed it off and agreed that life in the celluliod is way different from reality. And I have done pretty well - keeping his comment in mind, every time some shits hits the fan, somewhere else in the world. But I am only human, and I can only remember a passing remark made yorns ago for so long.

And so it is, that it was only a matter of time, when my base personality and character took over and let it rip, right up where the sun don't shine.

~**~

I have been thinking it over and over again in my head, trying to rationalise the whole situation. Where did I go wrong? How did I screw up? Would it not matter an ounce to me, if I had remained in my old job where I worked from sun-up to sun-down? Would it make a difference if I didn't live on the wrong side of the valley and that it takes 40-fucking-minutes and 28 kilometres, going thru 2 tolls, to get to my house?

I was so afraid that in my state of mind yesterday, I would go commit something so irreversible, that I boldly and politely told some people where the line was, and how they should no longer cross it. I even deleted Charlie's name from my list of contacts (which by the by is in there only so I could commit it to the "ignore" list of numbers when it rings).

LegalBeagle said to me last Friday that I was living such a sham, and now I agree with him. His equation is simple - friendship, sex and fidelity = a relationship. You don't need big displays of affection to solidify an emotional attachment. All these subtleties - says it all. I have gone way over the hill, down the mountain and died upon arrival at Base Camp Zero.

~**~

And so it is, that while he has absolutely no reason, no need to lie, even to get out of an obligation, I couldn't buy it.

And so it is, that while I know for a fact from my 55x-series of channels if a day is going to be good or bad for him at work, I still doubted.

And so it is, that while there are people in such positions where they work from sun-up to sun-down, my ownself being one of those, I thought it was another load of crap thrown my way/

And so it is, that because I could and would probably never be able to buy that 100% each and every time, despite the physical evidence being so apparent, I walked away.

~**~

Wounded heart I cannot save you from yourself
Though I wanted to be brave, it never helped.
Cause your trouble’s like a flood raging through your veins
No amount of love’s enough to end the pain

Tenderness and time can heal a right gone wrong,
but the anger that you feel goes on and on.
And it’s not enough to know that I love you still
So I’ll take my heart and go for I’ve had my fill

If you listen you can hear the angel’s wings
Up above our heads so near they are hovering
Waiting to reach out for love when it falls apart
When it cannot rise above a wounded heart.

And so it is... I've gone and screwed up yet again.

I think I shall go home and sleep now, lest I cause more harm than good by being awake and conscious.

Wounded Heart
Bonnie Raitt

Blink Once

Sometimes I wonder, why the people who read the Chemical Shooter, do what they do - read it. It is but the mutterings of a soul amongst the billions out there. It is nothing but a virtual dumping ground cos the other beings in the house who reside with me have cotton between their ears and cannot talk back. It is the space where I use up my alloted number of words a day.

I just went and had lunch with the Bear. Poor him - getting the brunt of my foulness today. But that's the good thing about true friends - they acknowledge that sometimes you just need to let it out, just a little. And with that, I have to say that Barbsie wasn't too bad and ill-behaved (right Bear?)

Tonight, I'm gonna take in a dvd, make some pasta, pour some wine and vegetate in front of the telly. And no matter how tempted you are (for whatever reason you may have) to 1. remind me that it's Monday and 2. ask why - please don't.

Sometimes, things happen and we're destined never to know 1. why it happens and 2. WHY it happens to you. There are days when I wish I weren't such a firm believer of the Faith and today is one of those. There are times when I realise that sometimes praying might not be the best thing to do, and this is one of those times.

I was brought up to "never question" and to accept that how life plays out, is not determined by me but by a higher authority - One who is said to know me even before I was born. I wish for once that He would talk to me and tell me the Plan - the Grand Plan - so that every tumble I take, I know how many more there is left to go. Cos frankly, there ain't much skin left on this extremely scrapped knee.

But seeing how I can't do that, I will do the next best thing according to the Sisterhood of Heart, Lung, Liver and Sanity - make Vodka your best friend and you'll never walk the rest of the day alone. Hey - whatever floats my boat and brings nightfall to an end.

And, if you genuinely think it is unwise - let me try and redeem my afternoon by stating that THERE ARE WORSE THINGS I CAN DO, other than be an Absolute air-head. So see - I'm not doing all that badly. We have nothing to worry unless I start dialling Charlie, or anybody else for that matter. But yes - you heard me right - Charlie.

They say you only get one shot at Life, and you should seize the day, not let it pass you by. Cos time, once passed, cannot be reclaimed. And no amount of wishing and praying will bring time back.

And so, maybe after a few shots, I'd be able to say I'm alright and I'm okay and that truly - it's just another one of those things that happen, and it's not a result of my own doing (literally and spiritually!)

Nonetheless, if you are ever asked to do something for me this year - let this be the one and only thing you do - leave the past where it is. The escapades of Days of Our Lives ends here. If you cannot contain yourself and must give in to either temptations - I have to state that I am not liable for any ill-fate that befalls you subsequently.

Blink once if you understand what it is I'm saying.

Leaving San Sebastian Behind

One of my earliest recollection of our trips out to neighbouring Singapore, is passing thru some huge colonial times mansion in this place called Sembawang and asking my folks why the people living there looked so sad, and the meaning of the cloth banners that were tied to the chain-linked fence. It wasn't until I was older did I find out that the sad people were the Vietnamese Boat people caught in Singapore, and that they were awaiting deportation.

Migrant worker

• A person who moves from place to place to get work

In the year 2001, according to the Asian Migrant Yearbook, we had an estimated 1.9 million migrant workers in Malaysia, out of which an estimated 1 million are undocumented. Indonesians, Filipinos, Bangladeshis, Sri Lankans, Burmese, Cambodians, Indians, Pakistanis, etc, all leaving their homes and family behind to come here to put food on the table.

Though we hate to admit it, majority of us either 1) view them with utter disdain, often staying clear of them unless they are our domestic help, or 2) completely ignore their existence and our dependence on them. It is far and few who include them as their friends or social circle.

With this in mind, it was a humbling experience in Church this morning as the parish invited a migrant community to participate in the service. These individuals made up almost half the congregation. But even in this community ~ a supposed community of brotherly love ala Philadelphia and one united in Faith, it was hard to be oblivious to the following in the hour that I was there:

1. They all were allocated a section of the church to sit in. Why were they not invited and encouraged to sit spread out among the normal congregation?
2. The congregation who came just on time for service, had a look of digust when they found themselves having to sit outside due to the increase in crowd. Did they think themselves more worthy to be seated in the normal pews inside the Church than these individuals?
3. The service remained business as usual, with no effort to "culturise" the service. I was sorely disappointed on this note, particularly when half these workers do not know the English language and thus, was merely being in the presence.
4. The migrants were dressed in their Sunday's best to worship in the Church proper. I was rather glad that I did not don my usual kit of my torn Levi's and a t-shirt. I would have felt unworthy to be participating alongside them as their reverence stood out so clearly!

I'm not saying that I am holier-than-thou but in all honesty, I do not think my perspective is as narrow. Sure, there would be some bad eggs among the almost 2 million residing on our segment of earth, but that does not give us the right to sideline these people and discount them from our communities.

My kids asked me who were those people on the other side of the church. My explanation, in as simple terms as possible, that they were from other countries, coming to ours, to find work. Luke then asked where they all brothers and sisters and if they had any children. And And I felt my heart breaking as I told them that they were possibly related but unlikely. And that their families were back in their own countries.

Have we become so arrogant that we believe that we would never be Migrant Workers but only Expatriates when we leave our land and gain employment in another country? In all honesty, no matter how bad our country is, we would never achieve true citizenship in another country ~ that is how the way of the world is. Hence the term, 2nd class citizens. But we have gone a step further - we downgraded them another class.

We have forgotten that they too are human beings, and should be given the same rights to earn a living - particularly when the number 1 reason they are here stems from our own community's snobbery of being too-good-to-do-menial-labour.

Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) for Programme Consultation Meeting on the Protection of Domestic Workers Against the Threat of Forced Labour and Trafficking reported in 2003, that half of the 1.9 million are made up of undocumented migrant workers. I'm not condoning their rights to be here without legal permission granted. But I'm also not discounting their desperation of existence that forced them to accept such a way of life.

By being undocumented persons, they will have virtually no access to legal recourse when their rights are violated as they will be reluctant to let their presence be known to the authorities through reporting. Their decision in this thing we call life has rendered them as invisible and vulnerable. Do we have to add on to it by pinning the blame of every theft in the neighbourhood, every snatch-robbery in the malls or every new shanty town that comes up on them?

I have been thinking for the last five years, of wanting to leave this country and move to San Sebastian. I have to admit though, that lately... that dream has been vaporising and I think tonight, I am finally ready to say out loud that it's been cast so far from my mind, I no longer think it's gonna happen.

And that is precisely why I am alright tonight, to say that San Sebastian would be somewhere I would take Lydia and Luke, someday for a vacation. Quite possibly, I might even tell them that I had dreams of us living there. But that for the time being, until we have no one left but ourselves, our roots remain where they are - where our families are. You don't need having a 5-year old telling you innocently that it must be difficult for these individuals, to be far away from their mum and dad, to know that there is no place like home!

We would never live in a global village unless we ignore the colour, creed, religion and income statement of the person next to us. And so for once, let us not be more ignorant than a child.

To move ... or Not

I've been thinking of shifting out of my pigeon-hole.

It's something Whites said - that I could do so much better than where I am currently. And frankly, I think I'm just tired of having to trudge a 100 metres from car to my front door. Try doing that twice in a week, in the pouring rain, when you realise that you've left your house keys in the car!

And so, I've been looking. Pinning down the location itself is one big headache and I took my folks and kids out to look at a couple - on the other side of the Valley today. Surprise! Surprise! They all actually liked it. But here's the question - can I give up my Ikano, Curve, Laundry Bar, Ikea and a hop-skip-and-run to Mont Kiara / Sri Hartamas?

Add to that, do I wanna live in another pigeon hole or am I ready to go back to a landed property? Dare I risk another run-in of a wanker, doing precisely that, less than 10 feet from my backdoor? And IF I choose a house, will the walls make me go crazy on the days and nights that I am alone in it?

It has been so long since I consciously thought about where I am gonna lay my head down each night. In the last few years since Damansara Utama - a house has been just some place I go back to.

But I've been thinking - I wanna make it more than that. It's about time I have a home, where my family are comfy bout spending time in.

I think I'll sleep on it for a bit ...

Unhappy Meal

My breakfast was screwed up when I had to return to the order counter. Twice. Needless to say, on the 2nd go, the Manager's ass got chewed. And rightly so.

It's peak service time - why isn't she out front? Why is she manning the drive-thru?

McD's - my disappointment today. A symbol of absolute service failure. I'd be ashamed to call it an American brandname. And to think, not too long ago, our banks used to study the service sequence of McD's as they moved into the error of Relationship Banking!

No wonder I have not stepped into a banking hall for yorns and prefer to do all my transactions online!

It was a very un-Happy Meal and the toy can't compensate for it.

Mullance

Someone asked me yesterday “How are things?” and I couldn’t give an honest reply. Simply because. I have to admit, my head was not all there. I blamed it on taking a tumble on a wet surface just after I got home on Monday. I blamed it on the rain, wetting the floor and the lack of space in my bedroom. I blamed it on the bruises that caused me to sleep without rest.

I can blame it on so many things, other than what I ought to blame it on.

In the day, in the night
Say it right - say it all
You either got it or you don't
You either stand or you fall

But this week is not about me. It’s about being there for a Bear who is rather lost at the moment. A Bear who, if he were the drinking type, would be opening bottles of Louis XIII and Patron tequilas (thus making his best buddy here the happiest chic on earth!) A Bear who is as sad as Winnie-the-Pooh when Christopher Robin went off to school.

I wish I knew what I could do or say to make my beary friend feel somewhat better. I would even send FuzyB out on loan, if I thought a goldie would somehow make up for the emptiness he is feeling.

When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking
There's a hole in the plan

I cannot understand why is it that it has to be so hard. This thing we call ‘relationship.’ It really shouldn’t be if there was so much love around. Isn’t love after all a coming together of two like-minded individuals who know that they are better off as half of another, than one of a whole? And if that were the case, then wouldn’t everything else be neglible?

I am not sure if I’d rather be in my place or Bear’s ~ to know real loss or pseudo loss. True that I maybe jumping the gun just a tad bit as the reason given am very much valid. In fact, it was one that I had anticipated seeing how when you travel at the speed of light, something’s gotta give sometime soon. Yet, there is a keen sense of loss that I reckon, if weighed alongside Bear’s, it would cause us both to be licking the floor.

I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show you tonight

Maybe we should both go buy a dog. Maybe I should move out of my apartment tomorrow. Maybe we should take the rest of the week off and me hide under my blanket and Bear go off on a holiday to anywhere. I don’t know which of these maybes we should do … or maybe none at all.

So many things I don’t know … so many things to think about.

But I do know that I cannot go through another day of going into my office car park, forgetting that I have a season pass and taking a ticket.

I do know that I cannot consciously take a blink and realize that I am driving too closely to the curb, and it pedestrians.

I do know that I cannot walk from my car to my apartment, realizing I left my keys somewhere in between.

From my hands I could give you something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy
Do you really want to go?

Apart from all that, there’s really nothing very much else to be said. Nothing that’s not be cautioned before. Maybe said someone is right in that I mull too much. Yet, there is something to be thought over and that would remain in my head until I decide what I want to do with it.

Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean anything at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

Say it right

Nelly Furtado

1st Rights

This one's for the Bear... You get first rights!

Just say when you're breaking open the bottles in your wine chiller and I'd be there to make sure you don't dirty your couch!

Home and Away

They say that a house is a floor with 4 walls and a roof. No matter how big or small it is, it remains the same structure. A home on the otherhand, are made up not of bricks and mortar, but living hearts and hands that hold on no matter which way the wind is blowing.

I went home for the long weekend and I sure am glad I did. For little did I realise how selfish I have been the last few years by staying away without any proper reason or rhyme.

Time has passed. I have outgrown the town and the town has outgrown me. Neither of us feel much of affinity for the other, and well - it is to be expected. But I have not outgrown my family, and neither have they me.

And given the scene of the last 18 hours, I am glad that I went home and not spent my weekend in my own house, musing. At least I know that there is somewhere I belong and can always go back to.

...

For whatever reasons you may have ... I never want to go down that rabbit hole again ... No more ...