Point of No Return

With the parting words of "I will see you next in Dublin!", it is no past the point of no return.

I shall take a dose of my own medicine: It is an adventure.

True Love

After going to bed past 3 am this morning, I got woken up with a text beeping in shortly after 7 am. And I have been on the get-go ever since.

It's a strange sensation and I suppose those who are in it would understand what I mean when I say - it creates a passion in you that rages in a positive way, and in such overwhelming volume that you cannot help but allow yourself to be engulfed by it.

After 2 weeks, I am certain where my heart truly lies and it reignites in me once again my dream from long before.

It may be a canteen but having been there and done all that, it can be a fancy place or it could be just a roadside shake - it is the industry that is my true love. How it is set up - immaterial.

Thank you LegalBeagle for showing the light and giving the opportunity!

Perhaps...

It's been so long since I have sat down and not written in angst. It is such a strange sensation now - but don't get me wrong, it is very welcomed here.

And so, it is about two weeks before I head off for my summer escapade. Went and got our plane tickets sorted out today. And yes - the generally response to that is a resounding FINALLY. I know - smack me on the head, go right on!

I am extremely nervy. So I am glad that I got my work act finally together, all the balls safely staying in the air, one after the other. Otherwise, lord only knows what I would be breaking right this moment and who would be suffering from my wrath.

Nonetheless, I am extremely nervous. Not so much for my camino - I have come to reconcile that it is not a race. I have 5 days to get from point A to point B each day. While I have been training to do 5 km per hour, I really don't have to. And I shouldn't. This is going to be one of life's fine example that it is not the end but the journey.

So what am I nervous about? I guess, it would be this "giant" leap forward. And however much I have tried to put safety nets (ala apartment with big Big BIG balcony and separate living spaces with a sofa bed thrown in for good measure), the inevitable truth is 11 days is a hell of a long time to really break me down.

My good friend (and ex-boyfriend) calls it progress. And he says it has to be done - just to prove to the rest of us that there is hope. I laugh when I recall this command of his - yes, it was a command for sure.

I can be a lot of things in this life time of mine. But a bringer of hope would be a first. And I guess we will only have to wait for what I would have to say when the return to the real world happens.

Perhaps. Just perhaps....

Bittergourds

My aunt has a daily lunch of bittergourds, tidy and porridge. As she told me what she was having, all I could think of was 'Isn't life bitter enough?'

From inside the house, family laughter filters out to the garden. Why do they have so much to laugh about, while I have so much to vent?

I am tired. Really really tired. And I'm tired of being tired.

A Time for Solidarity

We belong in the generation of nuclear families. Yet, there comes a time when solidarity calls and your family's strength expands and extends.

My aunt, the wife of my father's 3rd brother, passed on this evening. I am glad that I managed to go say my thank you and goodbye. It wasn't very much, compared to all that her family and her has done for ours in our time of need(s). But nonetheless, we do what we can.

While my cousin brother and my uncle seemed to had reconcile themselves to the fact that she would be leaving them soon, I know that grief is a strange lil bugger. It whips you upside down when you lest expect it.

I do not profess to be a grief guru - how many people have I had to bury in my lifetime? But, I would like to think that just being there, being an extra pair of hands, an extra voice in prayer and an extra shoulder to rest one's head on - these are not things you need much experience of.

We are going to go home. As tired as our bodies are tonight, we are going to rest and we are going to go home. And anyone who says otherwise, who tells me - leave it for another day - I will personally buy them a bus ticket and they can take the bus.

The family needs us. And so we will go.

Both Sides Now

In between spending time with family and trying to organise my week, I am having to chase up on work, take calls and manage instructions.

In snatches of moments, I stop and wonder why is it all on me?! Why am I the only one working more than 1 job?

Perhaps a visitor said it most accurately: My dad is free. The house is free. It's transferred to Barbara.

Now if only someone else can see it both sides now.

Wearing Black

It is without a doubt that my favoured colour is black. Yet right now, I wish that my next reason to wear black did not exist.

My aunt is dying. Seriously. As in like a given number of days left.

It is such a stark reminder that we  are all grown now. No longer the young ones running rings around our parents and grandparents.

If there was anything that I could do, I would take this away from my cousins. Cos I know when it is my turn, I wouldn't want to walk it.

But there is nothing we can do except hold their hands and hold them up as we say goodbye.