Some People...

Inspire you to go beyond what you can do. The methods with which they do, could be either persuasive, coersive or abusive. No matter which they employ, it is only with your best interest(s) at heart, and that is all that matters.

Persuades you to see the other side of the coin. Sometimes they might do the Jedi-mind-trick on ya, especially when the coin only has one side. But the fact that they made you look, is a first.

Brings sense to the senseless. It could be with statements of motivation, bashing on the head with size-12 shoes or just being there. There's just something about it that cannot be explained when the impossible is made to be seen as possible.

A few nights ago, after a day of the sky falling down at work, a dear friend told me to go do something for myself for once when I got home. Not normally the obedient type, I did it nonetheless. Hey - the STARE was given twice over the phonelines. And so, it was off to jobstreet I went when I got home.

Shock of shocks to be called this morning for a chat tomorrow on something that is 1) right up my alley, and 2) my incomplete mission whilst at Fairview.

No matter what the outcome of it is - the mere fact that an opportunity has presented itself, is good enough for Barbsie this rough week.

And it's all thanks to that ONE PERSON, who despite being equally busy himself, can still find time to be all of what SOME PEOPLE are to this wee lil Barbsie.

No amount of thanks can be said to relay the depth of this day. I can only hope that one day, I would be able to reciprocate the same in turn, when the moment calls for it.

Big hug Bear!

Days like these...

A pair of hands such as these would be very gratefully welcomed!

Volunteers, anyone?

Wanted Ad

Wanted - Dying rich guy who is still quite decent looking. Responsibilities include to provide shelter, food and spending money. Key critirion would be thorough willingness to fill bank account with woddles of money and transfer all material assets to my name. Must not be alive 365 days from today.

Okay. So I've gone and written down a very nasty bit there. But hey - if it's in the head, what's wrong with letting it see light? Besides, it's been a long-standing joke between my friends and I as the ultimate solution to this thing we call my life.

I know - life has no quick fix to it. And I am just ranting cos it's 10.30 pm, I have not had much of a weekend. I just spent the last hour or so of my own time looking thru financial reports and what-have-you-not. So yeah, I think I kinda deserve this lil bit of space to unwind a bit.

Besides, according to the Bear, I am not the only one who reckons such a thing would solve all of life's mysteries and miseries! I am currently, standing in line for his introductory services and waiting at spot #5.

Oh, I know I can hold my own. Afterall, name me another girl who woke up to a shag invite and a brunch invite! From two different people! *LoL* Yeah - I find it extremely funny. And even funnier still that I opted to a "NO" to the both, quite simply cos neither was dying. At least, not from anything I would know of.

In truth, if I were to truly meet someone who matches all the above criteria, I would likely go sit by the pavement for a whole day and kill myself with lung and skin cancer. Cos no matter what I say, I've never been that sort, and would never likely to be. Dying, or not dying.

So yeah - go on.. indulge me a little bit and laugh out loud for a while. The world's gone Barbsie crazy and hey - it's quite a ride. Trust me - if it weren't such a rush, I wouldn't still be hanging on.

I know what I'm worth. And a rich dying chappie would be cutting myself a whole lot of slack.

In God's Hands

I have been sitting here, with Nelly Furtado playing on my WinMedia, wanting so much to unleash everything bad here on my blog.. and at the same time, not wanting to do so cos - WTF is it gonna do anyways?!

Wrote a nice long tipsy email to my Bear cos it's been awhile since I actually had time to sit and write something right and proper to him. It has been all mad-dash and rush on both ends, particularly mine. Bear - he's been busy but not so busy as I have been cos he's had time to skip, hop and run across my blog *wink*

I have had half a bottle of a French wine. No matter what Loicky says - the French may be only half decent.. but they do make a mean bottle of wine *grin*

It's been a bad week at work. I have clocked in about 71 hours and there's a Saturday to go. I have been going in while the sun is still on the other side of the planet, and leaving work when the sun has worked its way back to the other side. AND I have had yet another Italian experience. I tell ya - I should time the pills with this dude cos he is about as accurate as they are in meeting the cycle! Anyways, Adam says my fuse is SHOT. It must be a lack of sunlight.

I think I shall sleep on it. Cos you know what - it's just ONE bad day.. ONE bad week.. It doesn't mean that everyday and every week is gonna be like this one. Fast-forward to 6 months from now (fingers, ears, and toes crossed) I am gonna look back to today and this week and say "Oh! That lil bump?!"

Afterall, I have many things to be pleased about this week... One such would be this - Without having been on the other side of the pass (the place where your orders come out from), I held my own! Yeah - I ran a restaurant like a seasoned soul, and I did it well!

SO.. instead of changing out of my PJs and risking my life in the Wink Mobile to go dancing... I think I am just gonna finish off my 5th glass of wine and leave the rest in God's hands...

And Dear Lord - please! It has to rain soon!

Me Thinks...

Gawd it's been a gruelling week! Physicall, mentally and emotionally.

It's only Wednesday and I have clocked in 36 hours at work. Throw in another 8 and I'm done for the week. AS IF!

But you know what? I don't think I've been more satisfied than I am now, in a long time. I know the Bear (and everyone else) is gonna be saying that WORK should not be the be-all-and-end-all. But hey - if it works (*ahem* no pun intended here), why break it, right?

AND - check this bit out - I am finally alright with coming home, whipping up dinner for one and not talking to anyone for the rest of the day! Woo-hoo!

So yeah.. Me thinks Me is good. And it's not just FOR NOW.

Good night world.. sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!

My Valentine

In my wildest of dreams, never would I have thought that a Liverpool song would ring in my head! never, Never, NEVER! But tonight it is ringing, and ringing loud and clear. For today is a day unlike any other.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark

I should be raging mad. I was. Raging mad, to the point of crying whilst sitting on the pavement. But being mad ain’t gonna change anything. And changes has to be done out of the necessity to survive.

At the end of the storm
There's a golden star
And the sweet silver song of a lark

I cannot elaborate what took place today that has brought me to hum a rival footy club song. A mistake has been made, and it is to be repaid a thousand times over. A family has been crushed, and it might never be the same again. And life as we know it, would change forever with the rising sun tomorrow.

Walk on... through the rain...
Walk through the wind
And your dreams be tossed and blown...

My friends have been cautioning me, that I have my limits. My hands are tied and I cannot do very much. Those who know me would know that it is THIS that pains me the most. It is THIS that is going to keep me awake tonight when I should be asleep. But there are lessons to be learnt from this episode. And mine would be to exercise patience – that a miracle is happening somewhere but yet to reach us.

Walk on... Walk on...
With hope in your heart...

They say true power shines thru in the face of adversity. And it is so true today, for in solidarity, the path of righteousness is seen. So even though my friends all told me that I should kick the person real good, I can't. Because forgiveness is not mine to bestow, though I have been severely affected. For I am a mere mortal being, and forgiveness can only be given from above and from within.

And because I realize that now, I can only be there and say…

You'll never walk alone…

In closing, I cannot imagine spending Valentine's Day in a better way. For tonight, love shone through so brightly, that despite all our adversities, we stood as a family. And THAT is the most important lesson of all.

Happy V Day

It’s Valentine’s Day. The stores are abuzz and decorated with hearts and lil cherubs ala Cupid with bow and arrows.

It is yet another ordinary day for me. Nothing to expect, nothing to hope for.

For some strange reason, there’s a song in my head that won’t go away. And it goes like this..

Love, exciting and new
Come Aboard.
We're expecting you.
Love ~ life's sweetest reward.
Let it flow, it floats back to you.
The Love Boat soon will be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure,
Your mind on a new romance.
Love won't hurt anymore
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.
Yes LOVE! It's LOVE!

*lol* Yups – the Theme song from The Love Boat. And no, it’s not strange to have this song in my head. It wouldn’t be Barbsie if it wasn’t something as quirky as this.

Happy Valentine’s ya’all… Many hugs and kisses across the bits and bytes!

Crashed Out

It's been a gawd-awful last couple of days with a lot of things failing me miserably.

~ ** ~

I guess it was about time - for me to fall desperately ill. And when I say desperately, what I mean is the high fever till ya toes turn purple type and your glands swelling and throbbing as tho one is on ectasy pills or something of that sort.

And no - I did not overdose on CNY cookies and tidbits, nor touched any mandarin oranges. In fact - I stayed away from them consciously! Goes to show that the body has a different way of thinking and working against ya.

So yeah, I have been dreadfully ill, still am and well.. you're welcome to poke at the gland if you see me.

~ ** ~

I woke up Sunday morning only to find that my notebok had died on me for no apparent reason. I tell you - I always had my suspicions about the bears that I live with, and the missing System32 file overnight only goes to prove my theory right! How can a file go missing just like that?! Not to say that I muck around with my system files at all! And no - I don't download porn so there is no likelihood of a virus coming in from that door.

Anyways, 48 hours without my notebook, suffice to say, left my hands trembling, my mind reeling and my nerves a complete wreck. Throw into that mix a bunch of numbnuts at the HP Helpdesk and my week of woes is complete.

My return here is only made possible by 1) The Garlic Boy from work who was kind enough to reformat and reinstall Windows for me, 2) The Bear who stopped me from systematically push parked motorbikes over along the pavement while I raged and 3) The nice boy from the HP Service Centre who sorted it all out in under 5 minutes. Oh and let's not forget the nice people at the hospital who wouldn't lift a finger to help just cos this is not a hospital asset.

~ ** ~

My one trusted supervisor at work walked out on me with 24 hours' notice. To say I am pissed off, would be taking the whole matter too lightly. And if one knows me, one would say that I didn't care very much if I were merely pissed.

I am disappointed. Cos I actually sat with him and explored his options, knowing his intentions. I asked him to not pull out on me this way - yet, it appears that it all fell on deaf ears.

Needless to say, if he knew better, for his own safety, he would run the other way if he ever saw me walking down the opposite side. Cos wringing his neck would be letting him off the hook.

~ ** ~

Add to that, I have no idea why a certain friend of mine has just decided to drop me like a hot potato, which is so rude in my opinion. And also that from the notebook crash, many hours of music as well as conversation has been wiped out just like that! I'm not too sure of which I am more sore about - the music or the words.. I think it's most definitely the words.

So yeah.. I am all crashed out. Can you really blame me for feeling so low that I have to sit and eat a cheesecake all by myself?!

Weirdness Defined

I. Am. Weird.

I have been thinking how I am so weird since I got home at 5 this morning. It was the only thing I could think of when I drove home from town, smoking one ciggarette after another. It was the only thing running thru my head as I had my supper by myself at the mamak in front of the apartment.

~ ** ~

I have been just chilling at home and out eating since I got back Thursday close to midnight. Not really my plan to spend my hols this way, but apparently this is how it's to pan out.

Had brunch yesterday with this chap I've just met, who gratefully is only gonna be in town for another 9 days or so. As my lil white boy puts it - it's in his favour to be around only long enough to pique my interest and scoot outta here before he rattles my nerves. I cannot agree more cos seriously - he's a nice enough chap for me to actually wanna have a conversation with, and that it extremely worrying.

And that was the start of my whole weirdness episode cos as soon as he got into the car, he looked me in the eye and said, "I cheated on you yesterday." *Duh* Is that even remotely possible, considering we've only been out once, spoke on the phone the whole night once and I gave him directions to get out of town and home once?!

~ ** ~

I had dinner with Bear. For once, I think I actually ate more than he did and he wasn't even close to having anything resembling a migrain (which is when he stops eating). I also tried to pin him to another car with mine as I was picking him up, which again is a bit unlike me.

I've come to realise that over time, Bear sees this side of me - this serious, un-Barbsie side that is not-quite-me. And that is scary cos internally, I know it's really the start of the down-hill slide-tumble-fall of losing myself, and with it, all my capabilities of being a level-headed human being that is fun and interesting.

I could have inched the car just that tad bit closer for a louder laugh. And should have done it with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on my camera to register the look on his face when it occured to him what I was "attempting" to do.

~**~

I went clubbing in Chinatown last night. Yeah - clubbing AND Chinatown in the same sentence. Good Lord - what has the Year of the Rat done to me?! It seems to be bringing out all the dirty, notty sides of me!

I danced, I drank and my pimp daddy for the night went about his mission of finding me a Rainmaker. And we decided to put Adam's theory of bandwith (10 up and 10 down) to the test (again!) with a 23 year old Swedish exchange student! I am laughing my head off as I write this bit cos seriously - I think Barbsie kinda left the building at that point and headed off somewhere else - really far, Far Away!

But hell - the boy looked like Nigel from Tyra Banks' show and who really cares if we all didn't get his name.

~ ** ~

And that's where the whole I am weird thingy started crashing in on me. I started out thinking that men / boys are weird. Cos when we were in our twenties, we learnt that to be a cling-on is not a good thing - it just doesn't fly with em boys. Kinda like - do what you have to do and then get the hell right out of there bit. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. All the whining and pouting that goes one when it's mentioned that it was time to go - Hey! Did I miss a memo or what?!

It evolved from them boys (apart from being stupid) being weird, to ME being weird came about when one of my buddies, at 4 in the morning said - "Barb, why do you do the F&F?! It's so not right! People don't do that shit anymore! Girl you're so weird!"

~ ** ~

Okay, anyways... so yeah I am weird. Weird in a good / bad sense. I guess being weird is better than being stupid, eh? Or maybe this.. is stupidity in a weird way on its own? We don't really care do we?

Seeing Light

People think a soulmate is your perfect fit,
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soulmate is a mirror,
the person who shows you
everything that's holding you back,
the person who brings you
to your own attention so
you can change your life.

I have just read Elizabeth Gilbert's last book - Eat, Pray, Love: One woman's search for everything.

A true soulmate is probably
the most important person you'll ever meet,
because they tear down your walls
and smack you awake.
But to live with a soulmate forever?
Nah. Too painful.

I'm not too sure why I picked up this book, but it was not a random buy. There was something about the write-ups and reviews that told me, if there was one book that I was to read and learn something from it, it would be this book. And it was right.

Soulmates,
they come into your life
just to reveal another layer of yourself
to you,
and then they leave.

Cos I have been stuck in a rut for the longest time and exhausting all possible means to get out of it. I seriously think I was at the point of resigning myself to the one useless fact that I was not going to be able to get over it, and hence, there was no point in fighting it. Which would have just been so wrong as it would see me as you have been - on one massive roller-coaster ride.

Your problem is -
you just can't let this one go.
It's over.

I have even been thinking to myself that hey - maybe there's some basis to all this. I mean, a rut is like 2 weeks, a month. But when it stretches as long as the calendar change? And I have been fighting down all the flaws that I now recognise, wanting to keep an all perfect image of the imaginary.

His purpose was to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and your addiction,
break your heart open so new light could get in,
make you so desperate and out of control that
you HAD to transform your life,
then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.
That was his job, and he did great,
but now it's over.

Somebody asked me the other day - was I contented? And I found myself replying by asking back, What was contentment? If it meant, do I have all the things that I wanted and is okay with not having the things I don't - then the answer would be NO. I came home and thought about it, have been thinking about it. And you know what? I am content, save for one. It's tiring, to be like a cat, chasing after their own tail. And I am dog-tired. So bone-weary that somedays, it weighs me down like a tonne of brick.

You're afraid to let go of

the last bits of him because then

you'll really be alone,

and you are scared to death

of what will happen when

you're really alone.

Reading this book, if not for anything else, has opened my eyes and my mind to this - that I do not have to be dog-tired. That it is of my own choosing. That my present is in my own hands for me to change so that the tomorrow can be another care-free day.

But here's what you've gotta understand -
if you clear out all that space in your mind
that you're using right now to obsess about this guy,
you'll have a vacuum there,
an open spot - a doorway.

In truth, maybe a part of me thinks that for me to be happy, I needed that one spark that re-ignited the flame of happiness to always be there. Like your trusty lighter that you must keep on you at all times. But that's not it is it?

And guess what the universe will do with that doorway?
It will rush in and fill you with
more love than you ever dreamed.

True that maybe this one person knows me on a level that most other people don't. But it would also be the truth that maybe this one person knows me as such, only because I allowed him and no one else to see those sides of me.

So stop using him to block that door.
Let. It. Go.

Yeah - it's time. He could be one of my bestmates and show me the different sides of the same story. But that's over now and it's time to move on.

And with that, it's also time to go shower up, get dressed and head on out to my fave cafe, cos We Need to Talk About Kevin *grin*

Reflections at 120 kmphs

I was back in my hometown after many years of absence.

It was a strange sense of excitement to come home to the festivities. Oh sure – there were things that I was not looking forward to, like the endless stream of visitors, distant relatives that I have no wish to make acquaintances of, and the lack of familiar things that make up my everyday life. But yeah.. I was still excited nonetheless.

This is a picture of the end of the road that we live on. It’s called Jalan Bijaksana or Wise Street. I would walk this way to head on out to the shopping mall that is round the corner, or on my way to tuition classes, or church. There’s a house at the end of this road – a single storey semi-detached that I used to admire. I don’t anymore.

This is my grandfather’s house. The place I called home right up till I was 17 years old. So many things happened in this house. The rooms still look the same with its built-in wardrobes and our stickers all still there.

We’re a family full of traditions. But I find that traditions are being changed without us being asked. Like the Reunion Dinner which was held at a restaurant instead of being home. But I guess that’s part of growing up. You grow out of things and well, people grow old.

I’m zipping away with my camera this year. Cos looking at the faces of my family, I cannot imagine how many more years we would have without having an empty chair in the midst and talking of someone as if they are still there.

Luke remarked this morning as we were heading out to the market to grab some groceries for our pasta lunch, that our family is getting too big. And I surprised myself by remarking to him that it’s good to have big families. And to remain close with them all.

But as with everything in life, as the old grow older, the young come up as well. I remember a time when my cousins were not even 5 feet tall. And look at us now, with families of our own. I was telling Bear that I wanted to come home so that this picture would be complete for once.

And it is. Cos at the end of the day, our families are all we’ve got. We could have close friends and all… but nothing beats the people you grew up with and called Family. And for that, it was worth the long drive back home for CNY.

Author's Note:

Many thanks goes out to a certain person who in the last year has made me realise the value of the word "family". You have no idea how much of that went into motivating me to go home this year voluntarily!

The Strange Ones

Boys are really strange. I mean, one would think that after a certain age, they'll grow out of it - but here's the truth - they DON'T!

Dudes - here's a tip: Don't rock the boat if it's floating along nicely!

And people wonder why after 2 years, I'm still single!

Simply put:

And that's the polite version *grin*

dance, Dance, DANCE

The last few days have been good.

I suppose that is how life goes ain't it? Like a roller-coaster ride, twisting, turning, going high and low.

And right now, I'm on a high. So high, I got home after my lil company's Annual Dinner (with free-flow wine woo-hoo!), plugged in my lil pinkster (seeing how it was past midnight already) and danced, Danced, DANCED in my living room.

Yeah - sometimes we've just gotta let our hair down and do what it feels right in the moment.

We only live once, right?