Terrible waste

It's a terrible waste to wake up and not appreciate the sunrise.

It's a terrible waste to use a one glorious sunflower plant as an ash-tray.

It's a terrible waste to sit here and use my morning trying to conjure up some form of emotion as a reaction.

Nope. Nada. Nothing. Maybe except for a deep melancholy.

It's funny that two people who were once so close, can grow so far apart to the point that what the other says doesn't matter anymore.

I guess this must be what you call an evolution of time.

Trust me - I, too, can't be asked to argue anymore.

Bleeping the sheep

I have been silent. Simply cos it’s now T+1 at work. And the countdown to receiving our first “guests” has begun – even though our RM 10 million kitchen ain’t really working. Which only means that a whole new set of system needs to be redone.

I have also become a 100% pure insomniac. I know this cos I sleep for about 90 minutes, then wake up and stay up for another 3 hours or so, only to fall about asleep for another 2 hours before the alarm goes off. Yes – I know. Keep this up and there would be nothing left.

I have not seen my children in 2 days. They have not been home in 5. They are coming home tomorrow for a night and then it’s probably off for another 3 to 4 days on the out-side.

This is not a life. At least, not a balanced one. And as such, I find myself fighting harder to get that balance back, which always brings a lightbulb or two on.

Got a major massive shelling from a good friend over dinner. And it’s not one of those You’re an idiot allowing everyone to walk all over you kind that only sets you down. It was with good intent (as with the other kind that I get as well) but it had a learning to go with. A corporate lesson so to speak. And the lesson goes like this

• I’m putting in so much of my time, energy and commitment into this thing that everyone else calls a job.
• There is no “I” in team and as such, I am in denial that I have a team.
• I should speak up and tell my boss what’s going on cos that’s what he’s paying me for. (Now this one I am fast learning to do efficiently!!)
• I should learn what I can from here, then move on to greener pastures. (This one I am still doubtful about.)

Oh sure – someone else must have said one or all of the above to me at some point in time. And in all honesty, it never really clicked cos I probably never thought them having seen or experienced enough to fully comprehend the “why”. I know I am very likely to be pissing people off at this point. But then, what are friends if we cannot speak our thoughts?

So hold your head, and hold your tongue
But only say what you have to

Which brings my thoughts to this – could people possibly be best friends forever? I used to think that it was possible. But lately, as my own time become far more precious than it ever has been, I am beginning to have my doubts. Serious doubts!

Sure, you’ll have friends that you can click with, even though a long time has gone by without a word or sight. But to remain best buddies, one has to work at it. And filling me in at your convenience – it’s not working at it.

The devil inside won't control my life
Too much love, so little hate
The devil inside won't control my fate

I may be unfair in my line of thoughts here. But then again, life is never about being fair. It’s about knowing when to sink cost or cut loss.

And so, as tired as I was today, I found it far more interesting and worth my time to:

• Go help someone place an order for a leg of lamb
• Have my knives sharpened by my Executive Chef so it could be used to cut the damn thing up
• Pick him up to go get it
• Run into the grocer’s to get the dry goods to dress it
• Spend Friday night shoving garlic and badly chopped rosemary into lil incision holes, only to have the ones previously shoved in pop out again.

AND – I’m not even gonna be at the dinner where the lamb would be served. But I sure had a good laugh and good fun doing all of that. Which was the reason why I decided that it was a good way to spend my free time today.

My colleague calls me a sucker for this. But I say – it’s cultivating a friendship. There are days where I give, and there are days where I take. And it has been demonstrated that there are days when I receive even without needing it.

So here I go to see the world
With my eyes and with my soul

I said before that in life, some people are plain substitute people. Maybe I felt that way because I WAS one. Maybe I'm being unfair in this which could be easily construed as not comparing light to light. But then again, what is light in your definition?

So hold your head and run my time
The "what" of life no man can rhyme

And maybe that itself is another lesson I should start listening to learn. There are some friendships worth cultivating. And there are others – well… let’s just say.. if I’m not worth driving out for just cos you've voluntarily offered to take care of someone else's property while she parties, then I’m not really your best buddy.

So here we are and here we bleed
To be a victim there's no need

Come to think of it - it never bothered before that I had MY notebook in my car in a public car park. But then again, maybe there never truly was a REAL need for me anyways. And as such, I was never a cause for concern of any sort.

Oh well... that's enough of lambing for one night. And by the by - it's not called being jealous.

It's called seeing the world, NOT through rose coloured glasses.

The worth of..

Here are my achievements for the day:

• I made a friend laugh with the silliness of my dreams
• I made my colleagues break the tension of their day when I dared my Exec Chef to go get the boss to sign document we knew he wouldn't
• I gave my best buddy the opportunity to turn me down for tea in his chase for a shag

I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed
I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day.…
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

Some of these I am glad I was able to do. Others - I would rather live without.

That's about the worth of my existence these days.

Innocent Stick People

Have you ever been taxed to the point, you either shrivel up and die, or laugh hysterically until you cry? Today was such a day. And it’s probably cos it’s now T-3 to the D-Day of services commissioning. I have to say, I am looking forward to Thursday with much anticipation.

But besides all that – the panic buttons are being pushed. And as I sit here at my desk, at half past 9 on a Monday night with my kids away, I am trying very hard not to think of work. For I need to sleep.

And in the quiet of the night, I can close my eyes and still remember the feeling of joy as I cradled Lydia not more than 24 hours ago, dancing to this tune that was the closing credits of a movie that made me cry.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.

Maybe it’s cos I had such a wonderful moment with my little girl, that it’s influenced me today to some extent. Well, it’s either that or I had a long chat with Mandy, my girl. Either way, the day at work ended with me drawing stick people to illustrate how we could resolve an issue of an orphaned beverage pantry.

*Raised eyebrows*

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?

I wanna do something utterly senseless right now. Like ring up my friends and ask “What do you use to wash your face with?” Or “Are you a morning or evening poop person?” And maybe, just maybe, I might even go to the extent of “Have you ever farted in my presence?”

All of us under its spell
We know that it's probably magic....

*Egad* Did I actually write that down? Oh well – I drew stick people today to my boss. Anything can happen!

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.

And sometimes all we need is a lil belief in something, anything. And if we sit back and watch, it'll carry us a long way.

Like the man who lost his job, stepping out of the building where he spent the last decade, into the pouring rain, looking up to the sky only to catch the rainbow breaking thru.

Or the girl who cried so hard, she thought she would die from her broken heart, and upon gazing across the horizon, thru her haze of tears, she spots the 7 shades arching in front of her sight.

Someday we'll find it,
The rainbow connection ~
The lovers, the dreamers
And me.

Like I said – maybe it’s the innocence of the moment that lingered with me thru dawn and thru the weird and mad day. Whatever it is, I hope it carries thru to tomorrow. I like myself much better like that.

And I can think of a few other people who would like me to stay this way too! And you know what? I might just pop those questions. Cos I know after the initial shock, there would be great big guffaws of laughter. It's just so the Barbsie you know, right?

And that is always a good thing. Just like em rainbows!

The Past, the Present.. and September

It’s 2.30 am and I should really be in bed asleep as the alarm is set to go off at 5.15 later so I can make it in to work on time. Have been pottering around the house and reading some mails that sits in my mailbox, never to be deleted.

I’m one of those people that always had a need to know the rationalization behind things, why and how. In fact, during my past review, I asked my boss if he had sent me to do the dirty on the termination of our staff recently cos a pre-employment test thingy indicated that I have trouble dealing with things that clashed with my own value set. And yes – I hit the nail on the head with that according to him.

Maybe that’s why one of the things I am still struggling to come to terms with is the fact that last week got so thrown out of proportion. I know all about the ‘nothing you can do about it’ conundrum but that is quite unlike the person in question to lose sleep over it.

Anyways, maybe one fine day when the stars are aligned, we’ll talk about that. Just like the many other things we’ve said we’ll do *grin*

And as one week goes from the being the present to being shelved as the past, I wonder what it would be like from now on … if people are resilient to the point of being able to let go of all that and really put it as water under the bridge.

It worries me as I’m the sort who means what she says. To be fake just absolutely takes the life out of me. And so, if I say I’m cool about things – would you believe me and be yourself?

There used to be a lot of fun – a lot of laughs. But then again, I think I was much warmer and funnier, less high-strung and such. I’m tired of this deep melancholy especially with time moving faster than I have ever known it to be ~ I truly do not want to wake up from this piece of the present and find that the future’s gone by as well. And I was too busy sitting at my spot under the big tree to enjoy it.

And so I have come up with a solution. There's this brilliant place that I know of – it’s called “Where it used to be fun”. It’s one of those places that one stumbles across on a rare chance. And it’s kind of like the places that people go when they consumed non-prescribed drugs *ahem* - you’ve got to be absolutely at ease to get there.

I have a spare ticket around here somewhere and I’d like to give it to you for the trip cos I can’t think of another friend whom I am comfy enough with to enjoy the ride. Got to warn you though – lots of laughing out loud over whimsical nonsense is required.

Cos in looking back, I miss the funnies that used to be, amidst the occasional seriousness. And maybe in part, I am responsible for the funnies disappearing as they did, when my perspective got off the train and went on the bus.

I did this. So let me correct it.

Say you’ll come.

Reality TV

It's funny how a summer has gone past and come Sept 27th, it will be the 1st episode of Season 4 of Grey's Anatomy. I'm quite excited by it cos Season 3 ended with a whole lot of tears and heartbreak. Everything that all of us had held up for in hope was burnt down to the ground. And so, I'm like the rest of the fans - waiting in eager anticipation to see if the phoenix rises up from the ashes in this new season.

Alot of the times, some of my closes friends say that my life is one big tv drama. The Grey's Anatomy drama. Yeah - apparently, I have adapted the google-box script to real-life. *Duh* Now why would I wanna go do something like, especially if the characters are a bunch of screwed-up individuals looking for a way to live life happy, despite everything?

Breathe in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubts
Everybody bleeds this way, just the same

Take the main character - Meredith Grey. She went to a pub, met a guy, got drunk, shagged him silly, fell in love - only to find out that he's married. After many months of watching ding-dong back and forth, they finally got together last season. Only to have it all fall down at the very last moment. Apparently, he was in it but she wasn't. Or so he says.

I don't know what to expect of these 2 characters this season. Are they gonna hold on? And if they don't, will they once again attempt being friends like they did when he tried to make his marriage work?

I'm not sure which side to stand on in this case. I so want to clobber her on the head - damn it! Here's a guy who loves you despite all the flaws she so obviously has. He's always there. And she's always - running. Girl - where are you running to? One fine day you're gonna wake up and find that he's gone. Gone for good. Then whatcha gonna do? Stay up all night and think of what you could have done differently? Too late by then, I'm telling ya.

Breathe in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away, I will stay

And then there's her best friend, her PERSON - Christina. She who lost her eyebrow and her man, just cos she thought that she loved him enough, and he didn't want her to think. He wanted her to KNOW that she did.

The season ended with her, standing in her apartment, in her petticoats, weeping cos her man was gone. Left her at the altar and *poof* She was relieved - He's gone. I'm free. Damn it. But what is she gonna do now that the person she was gonna spend the rest of her days can no longer be found?

Sometimes I watch these two and it makes me wonder if being in a relationship is all as great as we make it out to be. Sure - you have someone there to come home to at the end of the day. And you both say you give equally to make it work. Just watch these two, you'll see that there's no such thing as giving equally.

Hold on, hold tight
If I’m out of your sight
And everything keeps moving on, moving on

I think the character I watched most closely the last season is Alex. How with each episode, I sit, waiting for the moment that the light bulb comes on in his blockhead so that he knows that he's fallen for this patient he's rescued. It did happen - the light bulb. But it was way to late. I will always remember her saying - Did you sniff too much glue as a child? Do I have to spell everything out for you?

Now Alex is the kinda person who would put on a grim face and go on with life. Sure, he'll sit at the bar a bit more often now but you won't really be able to tell that he's hurting cos no one knows truly what goes on in his head.

Hold on, hold tight
Make it through another night
In every day there comes a song with the dawn

The 2 characters that I did not like - Izzie and George - well, it's one of those misfits of fate and destiny. To be best friends and then find out that you're in love with your best friend. So not happening. Especially when he went and got himself married in the process.

I don't think I want to go and wonder what will happen to them this season.

Look left, look right
To the moon and the night
Everything under the stars is in your arms

So there you have it. A run down of the show (in case you didn't quite know about it).

We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
And I’m not letting go, you hold the other line
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

In between the time I last logged my thoughts this morning, and now, I was suppose to have been somewhere. I didn't go. I rung off citing the gloomy skies when in truth, I did not want to be in full company of people that I didn't think was worth the effort. And it was sad that I have come to think this way. Cos this was something that was talked about and planned as "one of the things we must do."

Lately, I am beginning to think that this list - this running list of things to do - it is gonna remain as it is - A list. Cos for some strange reason, I think the other person feels that being in just my company is not good enough. And as for me - I don't mix with strangers very well. Especially when there is nothing in common. And I reckon it's gonna come down to a point where I am gonna be brutally honest and say - if Friday night is happen again, it's not gonna be like the last. And as such, it was not worth the effort.

Breathe in, breathe out

Now tell me - is my life and am I remotely even close to any of these characters or the theme of the show in general? I'd like to believe that my life is more than just 40 minutes of non-stop bitching, shagging, saving people and crying.

Cos if it was, I'd be a much happier person in truth.

Normality and congruency

It's my last normal Sunday morning. I cannot foresee being able to laze about the house on a day such as this for a long time to come. At least, not until work settles down after commissioning.

Yes - the long awaited opening of the hospital where our food and beverage services are being carried out, is finally happening come Thursday. And we even have patients scheduled for surgeries the first week of October.

We're excited. We're nervous. We're wound up as tight as a spring on a new car. We're keeping a lid on our tension by telling ourselves that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

~ ** ~

I had my review yesterday. For the first time since joining the workforce, I had a boss tell me "Thank you for the work and dedictation you've given to the company." It's usually something said when you're parting ways. Not when you're sealing your fate with the company.

I did well. Very well, in fact. But then again, I am not surprised. It was my expectation to put in this much. Maybe what surprises me is that for once, it was pronounced to be very appreciated. It's a weird feeling. But I'm sure I'll get over it soon.

~ ** ~

Since 5S-ing my study room, it's been used most by the children. And last night, the very reason why somethings were boxed up came back to bite me in da bum.

They were in there an awfully long time. I had thought they were drawing and stuff. But low and behold - both Lydia and Luke were leafing thru the old photo albums. I didn't know until Lydia came out to ask me who the man with the short hair was, holding her as a baby, in the pool.

For an instant, I wanted to say, "His name is Ray Chang and he's your dad." Instead, I tried to buy some time, alternately asking her why she wanted to know and if it was important to know, and looking to Puppy for help.

At the end of it all, I told her the truth. That he is her father. That she has 2 daddies but that the first one went away. She asked where did he go to, if I knew where and if I had a map that would help us find him.

I am plain grateful that this 6-year-old's thoughts ran only along the lines of finding him, and not on the route of why he went away. Maybe in 6 years time she and I will get there. So yeah - I still have time to find the words that would likely break her heart, even though she does not know it yet.

~ ** ~

I caught up on my blog readings, i.e. the blogs of like-minded individuals I have chanced upon the Internet over the last year or so. I am agog that September was as bad for them as it was for me. And I'm even more stunned to see that a couple of them had the same life situations that I have been in.

It's strange. These are people I would likely never meet in this lifetime. Yet, as I read their thoughts, I find myself comprehending their fears, their tensions, their choices of life. Bungee - we were all there at some point in time this week. Some of us jumped and fell without a safety net. The rest of us - we're still on the ledge.

~ ** ~

I wrote my first normal email in a very long time to a dear friend. It's worth a mention cos it's an indication that I am alright. It's also worth a mention cos it's an indication that maybe I've grown up just a wee lil bit to get here.

Most of the time in life, we do not get the things we want. But in the wake of the loss, we sometimes reflect and realise that it may not be really what we want. Kinda like, give me the sun, the moon and the cow to jump over it and I wouldn't know what to do. Half the time, our grief could be lessen if we but accept that life is such. I know that now.

It's a big relief cos I am myself. And it's not a concerted effort to be. Plain and simple - that was me in all the paragraphs and words. And you know what - I think that too would be appreciated.

~ ** ~

A new work week beckons. There would be decisions to be made. Shoes to step in to. I am getting ready for it by scheduling the rest of the day to get stuff going. I should be taking a day of rest. I probably would catch a nap in the afternoon.

The standards that I go by are finally put down on paper. It's worth over 80% according to the scale that my company uses. And I think, now that I've set it in stone, I have no other choice but to walk the talk and live it out.

Other than all that has transpired, I would have to say that it has been a normal week. Congruent with the life of any other 30-something. You wake up, you go to work, you try to have some form of life for yourself, you take care of your kids, you go to sleep.

Anything else that happens in between is what makes life, LIFE.

Same-o, same-o

I'm awake. Again. At slightly past 3 in the morning. From the same theme of dream. Yet again.

~ ** ~

It was dark. Pitched dark. So dark, you cannot see the face of the person next to you. We were in a car. I don't know whose. I was being driven home after dinner. And I wasn't smiling. The tension was so thick yet there had been no argument, no discord.

The journey seemed to take forever, going past road signs of places that I have heard of but never been to. And I remember thinking to myself, "So this is what Serdang looks like." Stupid. Silly.

And then we had arrived. At a shopping mall carpark, after going through rounds of the spiral twirls to where my car was. And I got out and got into my own car.

~ ** ~

Why is it so hard for me to believe some of the things that I have come to know? Operative word in that thought is believe. Has life thrown me that many disappointments and lies, that nothing is now worth a place among the shelf of truth?

I hate self-examination. It makes me go to places that I'd rather not go. But go I must. For at the end of a week like this, one must take stock of one's life. If not for anything, then for the simple reason of finding the reason to believe. In life. In the sunrise. In the night. In ME.

~ ** ~

I said I would not be less than who I am. I tried. I really did. And it is only here that I am willing to admit that I really had to put in all my effort. It's a good thing I have this appraisal thingy in the morning to lay down as my excuse. For I was seriously less than.

I did not want to hear that I looked dead. I know I did. I looked at my reflection just before I left the office. And told myself that I should really just go home instead. That I could not put myself up to it. Yet, I pasted a smile on my face, forced a spring into my step and went the wrong way. Stupid. Stubborn.

~ ** ~

Baby steps. That's what I should do with my life. Take each day, each moment, each event, each experience with baby steps. It's alright that sometimes I have to crawl my way through cos no one is always expected to spread their wings and fly. Even Jonathan Seagull started slowly before he could achieve speeds that no other seagulls could.

I know all this. I should know all this. I am no longer a young and naive child of 25. I've seen things happen that no person should see. I have swallowed pills so bitter, it should not be allowed for production. And I know that just because life has not been a bed of roses, doesn't mean that I should go about it in flight.

~ ** ~

So why am I pushing myself so hard? At home, at work, at play, at life. Why am I pretending that I am holding up very well when one only has to look at me to know that I am not? I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Opening one door into another and another and another. Sometimes being too big but often being too small. Yet I don't believe that staying still is going to make things any different.

Maybe that's why most people prefer to live in denial. It's a hell a lot freaking better. With a drink in your hand, and a fake smile to go. Cos this being among the living thing - seriously over-rated. And it's fast becoming not worth it. Especially when there's only death to look forward to at the end of the day.

I know. Looks like another rabbit hole looks ahead. Or did I ever got out of the last one I got into?

~ ** ~

Somebody wake me up please. I cannot think another thought like this. I cannot dream another dream like this. I will eventually stop taking just one valium and go for the whole bottle if this keeps up any longer.

I tried all night not to break down and cry
As the tears rolled down my face

I felt so cold and empty
Like a lost soul out of place

And it just makes me wonder
Why so many lose, so few win

You take the high road and I'll take the low road
Road you gotta take me home

Sometimes I wish to God I didn't know now
The things I didn't know then
If there's a Lord above

You gotta give me something to believe in

~ ** ~

I have many things to believe in. I have many things to be grateful for. I've been told I'm extraordinary. That I do things which others feel I am being unfairly asked to do. I've been told that I'm worth going the distance for. That I'm not worth losing.

Maybe I'm just hearing and not listening. For if I did, then there is no reason for me to be here in this deep melancholy. And to be stuck at here for days on end. But I think what I really need or seek - is something to believe in myself.

Maybe then, I'll be able to believe in you.

~ Ends ~

In the end..

There's so much to be said, yet remain unsaid. I have a voice, but I do not use it. Instead, I sit and sit and sit. It's not that I don't try to speak. Just that no one wants to listen.

I'm probably not being fair to myself and the people around me in saying so. But then again, I don't have the guts to try and find out if that opinion holds water.

Maybe that's why.. in the end... it remains but the unsaid.

I think I should log off now before I kill myself with my thoughts. As Puppy said before - Barbsie thinks too much and she makes you think but yet she doesn't think at all.

Shaken, not stirred

Statement of Personal Goals and Achievement
By Barbara G. M. Er

A decade ago, as I was approaching my point of legal independence, I made a list of ten things that I must achieve by my 31st birthday on 28th August 2006. Reflecting upon that list, which contained mostly of material wealth, I find that it no longer applies.

It cannot be denied that the general measures of an individual’s success in their thirties are their profession, annual income, assets owned and spending power. I used to benchmark myself by these same criteria. However, I have grown to believe that for one to reach their true potential, it is life’s experiences that mark one as a human being who has made a difference in their existence on earth and who is a success.

I chose the last ten years as my benchmark in comparing where I am today, and where I would like to be ten years from now, for it was in the last decade that has shaped and moulded me to be who I am today. It is with this in mind that I shall seek to improve and better myself.

Living in a generation of “paper-chasers”, I used to look back with regret towards the qualifications that I had worked hard for, but where the scrolls lies in a folder, untouched and un-used. But over the last five years, I have begun to see, that while my academic background of accounting and economics are not directly applied in the career that I have built for myself, the knowledge gained during the course of study have always proven to be useful. Not only has it given me an edge in managing the financial aspects of my job responsibilities, it has also solidified my self-confidence; knowing that I am not a quitter; I am able to start a journey and complete it.

This confidence brings about a sense of maturity that money cannot buy. It has driven me to go the extra mile when I felt that all was lost and beyond recovery, be it in my professional or personal life. Having taken the choice of raising my two young children on my own, this maturity is crucial when days bring me down - for I am no longer responsible for my own self, but also for two young lives with eyes who look to me for direction and guidance.

I have been told that I have been identified as a potential leader in my organization. I would like to believe that I have been given an opportunity that not many other 31 year olds have been given – the opportunity to learn the ropes so that one day, in the not too distant future, I am ready and able to take over the helm. This programme is meant to bring about a growth in me so that I would be ready when the time arrives.

I had wondered about the correlation between successful individuals and the graduate degrees they hold. If it is so important, how then could there be success stories from those who graduated from the “school of life’s hard knocks”? Is an MBA programme really that much of a life-changing experience?

I had always wondered why this should be so when it is but another paper qualification. Yet, in the last one week as I prepare my application submission, I have come to realize that education is not about the qualification you gain at the end of the line, but the entire process of structured growth that changes one’s life as they progress. It is the synergy of combined experiences, resources and knowledge exchange that gives an educational qualification the value that it holds, upon which I will receive over the course of the next three years.

So as I sit down to complete the last outstanding portion of my application, I am excited by the prospect of being able to interact, learn and engage like-minded individuals throughout the world during the course of the programme. The eager anticipation of exchanging thoughts and ideas, while sharing my perspective on the corporate world today.

I consider myself a witty and intellectual person. I derive a tremendous amount of satisfaction when I know that my mind and thought process is being engaged in a level higher than norm. While these feelings may be viewed as temporary to some, it has and always will be the fuel that keeps me going.

As a person who has an inert need to constantly be of use to life, society and community, I hope that this journey would take me to a level where my perspective is further widen so that I can look beyond what I am already seeing, and be able to bring about beneficial changes in this industry which I have chosen to drop my anchor.

As I embark on this new chapter of life, I am filled with trepidation. Am I going to be able to manage my time well enough to successfully go through this journey of studying, working and parenting? Would my fire and inspiration to be a better contributor to my organization, bringing about a better future for myself, and consequently, my children, stay lit through out this time?

After a week’s worth of soul-searching, I stand firm and pronounce a resounding “YES” for I believe that it is time I did something which will ultimately result in boundless benefits to me, myself and I as a human being – as Barbara Er.

I once read somewhere that more powerful than the will to win, is the courage to begin. I hold within me the power to achieve anything and everything that I have dared to dream for myself, my family and my organisation. It is time that my dreams come true.

~ Ends ~

I'm not the same person who wrote it a year ago now am I? Has the last 365 days shaken me up so good that all my molecules are scattered to the opposite ends of the earth, never to find their way back home? Should I even begin to retrace my steps and start a journey to find this girl again? And what if I did and she can no longer be found?

Cos you know what - I think she's gone for good. And nothing ain't gonna get it back to good.

Definitions, Expectations

def·i·ni·tion ~ noun

1. The act of defining or making definite, distinct, or clear.
2. The formal statement of the meaning or significance of a word, phrase, etc.
3. The condition of being definite, distinct, or clearly outlined.

I sat at a food centre for 20 minutes at dusk, looking at a questionnaire that contained 76 questions. I’ve done 6 months of service and it’s now time for the confirmation appraisal. It’s been scheduled for over a week now, so I should be mentally prepared for it.

But no matter how prepared we tell ourselves that we are, it never really is the case. Especially when it’s a defined process. 76 questions ranging from values and personal attributes, people, decision making, communication, leadership to control.

For 20 minutes, I sat and wondered what’s the definition of high, met and low.

This is the second time I am going to sit with my boss to do some benchmarking. The first time, he said I was too self-critical. Maybe I was. I don’t know. And I think he’s kinda worried that tomorrow I’ll be the same self-critical person he spoke with 3 months ago, cos he told me to down a few beers before I started answering the question. To quote him, “It’ll help you loosen up and go easy on yourself.”

Maybe he has a point.

She grabs her magazines, she packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall
She burns all her notes and she knows,
She’s been here too few years to feel this old

It’s been a long hard month and an even tougher week. It used to be physically tiring but mentally challenging. The last couple of weeks has just been plain emotionally draining and I’m not sure I am up for another self-beating.

It’s always been known among those who know me that I am my own worse enemy. That my greatest fear in life is letting not myself down, but other people down. And so I set my own standards and dance to my own tune. Cos there ain’t another’s that I can use.

I used to blame it on my former boss. For always raising the benchmark and making it so difficult to achieve his compliments and praise. Now that I have stepped out of his shadow, I kinda realise that after a while, he kinda stopped doing that and it became all my own doing. Even when he had nothing to find fault with, I still felt it wasn’t ever good enough.

He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside till it’s gone
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn’t be alone
He knows
She’s been here too few years, to be gone

It’s tiring – to know for a fact that the possibility of having someone else know what it is I feel and go thru in my own head, is practically zero.

I get the feeling that there was a part 2 to the learning process that I never quite learn. And quite possibly, it’s the lesson that it’s alright at times to not achieve what one set out to. Maybe it could also be the lesson that it’s alright at times to say – I’m not gonna make it or I can’t do this.

And if indeed, these were the lessons – then yes, I have yet to learn them. For right up till now, my best buddy is still commenting - don't just sit there looking pained. Ask if you want help.

The trouble understand, is she got reasons he don’t
Funny how he couldn’t see at all, till she grabbed up her coat
And she goes, she’s been here too few years to take it all in stride
But still its much too long, to let the hurt go

I’ve done my 76 questions. And while there are some items that I know my boss would rate me as “higher than expected”, I have rated myself as merely “met”. Clobber me on the head as much as you want – but that is really how I feel about myself.

I don’t think that anything that I have done in the last 6 months (or for the whole 32 years in fact) has been extraordinary. And so, things that are considered to be “the extra mile” are just to me – the expected. Or maybe I have a huge chip on my shoulder that I just can't shake off. Afterall, don't you always hear me say - don't let this cool exterior fool you.

I don’t know when I changed. When did I learn to live by the rule that if we set our own expectations, the less we can be hurt by anyone or anything? Or that if we tell ourselves we’re not worth it, then it’s alright when it really is true.

I know it’s contradictory. To say that one should live one's life without any expectations, yet set up a gazillion ones for youself by yourself.

Maybe that’s why I think one day, I would leave this place – the place where everything and everyone is. So that I could stop doing that. I suppose if I drank enough and such, I would quite possibly come out loud to say that the reason I want to leave this place is cos I am tired. Tired of my ownself.

And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if things don’t work out like we think
And there’s nothing here to ease the ache
But if there’s nothing there to make things change
If it’s the same for you, I’ll just hang

By going away, I could be someone else - someone that I have always wanted to be. Instead of living out the rest of my days in this ME that I've become. And if I went to a place there, then they wouldn't know what my tune is like. And I'll just be dancing like the rest of em.

It's a conscious declaration I make. Cos I know my life is in my own hands.

But until that day comes, I suppose I’ll just have to hang.

Control

It's been a crazy 48 hours. To summarise it - one would have to say that nothing happened, yet something's happened. A question was asked, and a decision was made. Call it intuition. Call it experience. Call it knowing someone well. In any case, this whole tug-of-war of words ensued and a lot of sleep was lost. And as the morning sun peaked, a decision was made and I went and sat under my colleague's desk for a long while.

~ ** ~

They say that one's life and the direction it takes is in the palm of one's hands.

I did not quite realise how true that statement rings until I got caught in the rush hour home. What started out as a journey to get home as quickly as I could so I could crack open the bottle of wine and drink myself silly (and probably get into a fight with my best buddy at that as well!), ended up with a deep sense of peace. With myself, no less.

You see, it's a matter of perspective and weighing out what is worth losing sleep over and what is not. Making a list of all the pros and the cons. Taking two steps back and looking at things from a different angle.

~ ** ~

It's amazing how many things we swear never to do, we end up subconsciously doing. And oh God! There was a reason why we swore never to do those things again.

For if truth be told (or realised) I was fast becoming someone else that is not me. And I think it was becoming pretty obvious to the point of losing all sense of comfort that was once the drawing point.

I had forgotten the feeling of being free. Of being me. The one thing I exaulted in finding sometime last year after the last relationship failed. But I remember it now. Oh Lord - this is so Grey's Anatomy ala Christina Yang going "He's gone. I'm free. Damn it! I'm free" and crumples to the floor weeping.

~ ** ~

So if I look at my life right now as glass half full, I could probably find 10 good things that have come out of this and none on the bad side. And no - it's not temporary. This feeling of euphoria. I am not going to slump and end the night badly.

Quite simply, one learns to let go at a faster rate as one grows older and wiser. And it's not meant to dilute whatever it was that happened. Just a question of weighing out the pros and cons of each decision and making the best of it.

And so, no mourning. No more weeping ~ I must have freaked half my department out this afternoon. And no more lamenting. Very definitely no pot breaking as well. Oh and let's add boozing to the list while we're at it.

Life is good right now. Yes - you heard me folks. From being unsure if I even had a friend (at the very least!), I'm now confident of the fact that yes - I do. And a damn good one at that. Cos anyone daring to chase down the rabbit-holes after me, definitely gets brownie points. Maybe someday even - the boys would learn to accept him as one of Barbsie's Boys (that would be stretching it I know, but one can hope to bring peace to the community *grin*)

~ ** ~

I could not really have reached this conclusion today and so quickly if not for my best buddy. You see, he's my person. Telling him things makes it real. And when it becomes real, the fog clears and you see things clearly. Yeah - that's what you did, in case you haven't seen it yet.

It's taken us a long time to get here cos you see, when we first broke up in a relationship that was never going anywhere, I wanted to do the Barbsie thingy (which is disppearing out of one's life for good). But Puppy was insistent that it could be done - the friendship that started it all off, could still remain and grow.

I remember texting him past midnight from the guest room of my god-pa's house saying "I don't know how to do this." And his reply - "Baby steps will do." Baby steps have grown into big strides. It can be done. We now laugh about shags and supper. Sure we've had our share of arguments - major, massive door-breaking ones. But now we're here and he's demanding a t-shirt.

~ ** ~

At the end of a long week like this... we can either lay the blame on someone's door. Or some phrase or word.

Expectations - it's a terrible bane to society and how we function.

But hey - the control is in our hands to manage it. And if you manage it right, and let go of your monsters - the view on the other side, can be quite nice.

There need not always be blame.

~ Goodnight world. Sleep tight. ~

Answering Amanda

Amanda said I have to sit and decide what I want. That’s my life has been adrift for far too long, too many moons. And when I decide what I want, I have to act on it. Either cut the string to the kite or reel it in and bring it home. She says that after so long, I should know and should let it come to the surface.

So here's my answer to Amanda after a night of sitting on my balcony, staring at the moon...

I want to wake up each day, knowing, that someone out there is thinking of me and wishing I was there, just as I would be of him.

I want to come home at night, to someone who would be there, to have dinner with, to share the workday with and then to sit down and snuggle up to.

I want to be able to say everything and anything, to just be myself with that someone and not have to fake my way through a smile.

I want to turn round a corner, and know that I am missed the minute I took my first step away.

I want to turn round a corner and see a face with a smile that could light up a thousand Christmas trees just cos I popped into sight.

I want to laugh, to tickle and be tickled, to horse around and have pillow fights and to surrender myself to a long passionate kiss that speaks volume of what I stand to mean.

I want to be inspired by someone else’s confidence in me, in my abilities, in my intellect and my work. I want to inspire someone else, to strive to be always as good at what he does as he is now, if not better.

I want to sit with someone to share the serious side of life. To talk about the state of the world and the events that unfold. To voice out its impact on my life, our lives.

I want someone who would hold me as I cry and I hurt until that hurt has passed.

I want to know that when I fight with someone, it’s alright. That it happens to be the best of soulmates. And that when everything has calmed and cooled down, it’s alright to say I’m sorry and to come back. That he’ll still be there when I come back or that he will always come back.

I want to have a hand to hold mine as night turns to day.

I may be idealistic. I may be a dreamer.

But I’m no different from any other girl. I want to be loved, cherished, thought of, missed.

No one can promise the world or the future. But that’s not what I am seeking. To live through a day at a time is good enough for me, if I have all the above that I have listed as my wants.

Mandy, I don’t quite know how I am going to pass today. After I have spilled my guts in the most truthful and honest manner that I have yet to be in, in a long long while. Do you know how long it’s taken for me to get here? To this point, when I steeled myself against it for the longest of time, thinking that it would never happen again. That it must never happen?

*Sigh* ... if only I could really believe that at the end of the day, I can be consoled by the fact that there's always death to look forward to.

These Dreams

viv·id ~ adjective

1. Strikingly bright or intense, as color, light, etc.
2. Full of life; lively; animated.
3. Presenting the appearance, freshness, spirit, etc., of life; realistic.
4. Strong, distinct, or clearly perceptible.
5. Forming distinct and striking mental images.

That's it. That's 4 nights in a row that I have had disturbed sleep. The dreams are getting quite bad. Vivid to the point, I can taste the smells that plaque it even after I have awoken.

And it's always the same stupid theme! Something going wrong with the hospital opening!

And I'm not the only one from the office being haunted by these nightmares. Just yesterday, my Executive Chef Adam was just telling me his nightmare about having to file his recipes by cooking methods! Cooking methods - all 164 recipes!

*Argh*

I'd say - Let's not wait for the freaking 27th to come. Let's just open the damn thing now! Today! This morning! We freaking need proper sleep for crying out loud!

But wait - I cannot open today, tomorrow! I have no ready physical structure, cups, mugs, straws, plates, spoons, tables and chairs! I don't even have gas to boil water!

*Argh* Real monsters!

Famous Last Words

I am hurting.

Maybe it's because I know that life has once again changed course. And nothing can make it turn its tide for things to be the same again.

And so I mourn.

Why is it when I think of you
I feel like crying
But i hold my tears in
In case others can see

I owe it to myself
to let go of you and everything that was
Let it lie and
be just a memory

I was the fool
I was the one who went beyond
I'd rather let go of you now
Than to keep hitting the wall

Maybe by laying the cards on the table, it has somehow opened my eyes to the things that I have not been seeing.

And so.. this is my way of saying I'm letting go, not sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And when the mind decides,

the heart has no choice

but to follow.

It may fight, it may argue

But over time, it too will tire

And give in to the conscious

graciously.

While my heart and my mind may fight

your life will go on

just as it did yesterday,

and today.

But someday

my yesterdays and todays

will go back to the way it was...

Before I learnt how to breathe.

I had asked previously - give me a reason to stay. All I got in return was silence.

You couldn't find a reason to ask me to stay then.. and you still can't now.

Post script:

19th Sept 07 - I had wanted to come delete this post when I got home. It's a reminder of a dark side that should not exist, has no real reason to exist. But it stays. If anything, just to be a reminder of how far people can travel - if they allow themselves to.

Said Sadly

Oh what a night! It’s 3 minutes to 3 am and I have just come back home. Yes and Yeay! Barbsie’s done it – actually go hang out on a Friday night and be home past midnight *grin*

It may seem a small matter to most of you readers, but it’s a big thing among my old friends. For it has never been known since June 2006 for Barbsie to be found at home on the one night she is not Mummy. Yet, she's abandoned that lifestyle for some months now.

Anyways, with 2 of my boys out – how could I turn down what they have come to call The Gangbang. Yeah – you heard me right. Put 2 ex-boyfriends together and that’s what you get *smiles* And to define for you – it’s meant to be taken as 2 people putting their all to bully me in every way possible *grin*

But anyways, for a girl who has been out at dinner, then drinks and a listen at Backyard to the resident band play, I sure have done a hell of a lot of thinking. Maybe it’s being with these 2 chappies who know me inside out. Where whole words are not needed. Where a call at night meant that I was in shambles.

It is when there is such honesty around me that it breaks me down, taking me out of the freaking river called De-nial, and putting me on dry ground.

~ ** ~

I sat with my friends and watched people dance, drink and twirl. A group of well-dressed professional looking chaps worked so bloody hard to get my attention tonight. Yet all I could think about tonight was this: It’s Friday once again. This is not where I want to be.

Highway run into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round, you’re on my mind
Restless hearts, sleep alone tonight
Sendin all my love along the wire

~Faithfully~

Journey

~ ** ~

My 3 days of silence ended yesterday.

Looking back, I can’t quite say what the objective was. Alienation yet again? Not really. Too busy with work? Definitely not. To put it simply and in a detached manner, one could say that it was a self-test. The type where you put something through extreme pressure and see how it holds up.

Needless to say, it was quite a wasted effort. Sure – I kept up about half of it. But it was so draining. Yes – it was draining to not do the things that you’re used to doing. Yet it needed to be done. Cos I wrote it on 13th June 2007 the following words…

Maybe ‘twas meant to be so. After all, everything has a shelf-life, a life-cycle. And when running on such full speed, we are bound to run out of steam sooner than later.

Right up to now, you still make me laugh so hard with your funny ways that seem refreshing even though it’s not new. But I have to stop looking forward to your mails, text messages, calls and chats before it ends.

As it is, I am in withdrawal. Withdrawal from a drug called YOU.

And I hate it. I would rather give up cigarettes.

Since you’ve gone I been lost without a trace

I dream at night I can only see your face

I look around but its you I can't replace

I feel so cold and I long for your embrace

I keep crying baby, baby, please...

~Every Breath You Take~
Police

~ ** ~

And with that, life still does not make sense. Should it? Could it? Nobody would ever be able to tell me. And well, I suppose life, like many other things never does make any sense.

~ ** ~

But then again, I cannot really question life when I stand accuse of the same kryme for I guess while I have said a lot, I’ve not really said what is important to me. And in doing so, I’ve probably been leaving pieces out of the 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle set.

But it’s not really leaving out the pieces of the puzzle. I would likely call it more of embedding the truth. Just like this which was written in Closure:

DEREK: “So, I'm asking you, if you don't see a future with us. Please... please just end it because I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

~ ** ~

I can think of a thousand and one reasons why this posting should be written and then discarded. And among them would be this which was received on 28th August:

There are so many things to do each day

There is so much going on in the world of great concern

that often we do not stop and think about

what is really important to us

One of the nicest things in my life is my friendship with you

and even if we don’t have a lot of time

to spend with each other

I want you to always know

how much I appreciate you

and how much your friendship means to me..

But as Donald-boy said – Barbs, at 25, you can afford to have your head messed with. And even that, a 25 year old has more sense to let it continue to get messed up. So at 32, don’t you think you ought to do better than to hide behind walls?

And so this 32 year old shall listen to the 31 year old.

~ ** ~

You said at the beginning to think of you before I sleep – that way you’ll grow on me. And grow you bloody did. Then you pulled away.

I don’t know what your definition of friendship is for it seems to vary and sway as with your moods. I don’t know what you mean when you say that I’m someone who you can count on to watch your back.

Maybe 8 seconds was not long enough for you to have caught it. And in case you didn’t, I’ll say it here and now:

So, I'm asking you, if there is nothing good other than a best buddydom that could come out of this.. if you don't see a possibility of a us... Please... please just end it because I'm in it. Put me out of my misery.

~ Ends ~

You'll know when...

You'll know that life has gone absolutely bonkers on you, when after 13 hours of work, you come home to work some more. Plus, instead of writing your thoughts out in an email, you end up scribbling away on your blog instead.

You'll know when some form of normalcy has returned to your life though when your best girlfriend rings you up shortly after getting in to work and goes, "Okay - shoot. Tell all. Who have you been staying away from for 3 days?" Plus she signs off her email with a statement saying "all will turn out right .. and if not .. well .. there's always death to look forward to at the end of the day .."

You'll know you've gone past all roadblock signs and such when you cannot keep to your own word. And that no matter what anyone else tells you, it ain't gonna make a damn difference cos at the slightest of excuses, you take the window of opportunity to turn your back on your own honour and valor.

Sometimes life is one big game ~ We wish that we knew things when everything is grey and fuzzy. But when we know ... we kinda wish we didn't instead.

A Reminder

I am quite afraid to actually start writing. It maybe yet another one of Barbsie's befuddled statements, but well.. it's there. So instead of an original thought.. here's something from 28th May that I wrote somewhere. And today - it shall serve as a reminder.

~ ** ~

Once upon a time, I could not see the world as it is - that every living and breathing moment is a blessing. And that all things happen for a reason, even though in THAT moment, we cannot understand nor begin to comprehend that there could be some good in the 'why'.

It's taken a long time to get here. I wish I could pin point the exact moment in time, or the incident that opened my eyes. So that I could share it with all those who feel that hope is a word only for dreamers.

It's a learning process and then there are good days, and bad. But we learn to take the bad as they come as just and as they are ~ a few hours of standing in someone else's shoe.

You say that I am matured, yet somedays I feel that I have so much more to learn.

You say that my smile is full of warmth and it makes me wish that the number of times that I could actually smile that way was more.

I'm just glad that we've met in the 'here and now', and not the 'then and before'. And that you make the 'here and now' somewhat easier to accept, and achieve.

~ ** ~

Wasn't too long again when there was so much to be said, that was said, and that was left unsaid. Guess that's what happens when time passes its hands... it becomes only but then and before. But even as time passes, I still wish the same 2 things I had wished for then.

Guess somethings just don't change...

Barbsie Cola

I am begining to wonder if this month is one-long bad dream that I cannot wake up from. One thing to another, and now my physical form is begining to fail me. Just when I thought that Mama's remedy had come to save the day, I find myself going *ouch* and griping the pantry cabinet for dear life, with the floor and walls going bright then black. Yeah - I passed out at the office today.

So.Not.Good.

Maybe it's the level of stress and the magnitude of something(s) that I have stepped into that is driving me to this edge. Maybe I've been pushing myself silly and like my WiNK mobile, I've been neglecting to have it taken care of and as such, I'll find myself blacking out physically.

As much as I have been denying it, yes - I am stressed. You would only need to look at my face, my hands, the amount of antihistamines that I go thru in a week to know that it is taking a lot of effort to keep my inflamations from exploding like a blow-fish in this space and time.

And it's not the easiest thing to manage. Unlike in Fairview when everyone rides it out together. Well, not exactly. But I have no lack of people to go off-load all this worries to.

When did it all change? Where did it all go wrong?

I wrote today in an email that I do not feel like I want to be around people. And in fact, after writing that, I wrote something else as well which goes like this:

I told myself this morning that I am going to go 3 days without any sign of you in my life. No calls. No text. No emails. In short, you’re gonna find me missing for 3 days. I’m not sure why I choose 3 days – it probably has something to do with Amanda telling me before that I should do this and see how I feel afterwards.

And just the other day, I told my best buddy that when it comes to him, I've learnt how to shut him off mentally.

Let's not even go as far as analysing the fact that one of my boys can leave me a text to say, "This is not working out. Text me your postbox number and I'll drop your birthday gift off in the morning."

Why am I drawing up lines and boundaries when what I need most are my nearest and dearest around me? Sure, I have intimacy issues. But this is also the ME who would sit on her balcony and pour her heart out to her closest group of friends, wallowing from A-Z, at least once a month!

I have not done that since June.

I am cracking. Cracking like you would not believe it. And I would rather leave the tell-tale signs of it here, than over a cup of teh tarik with a good pal.

Do I really hate the word Friends so much that I am dropping it not just from my vocabulary but from my life as well?

What is happening to me?

Who is this that I've become?

It's all been bottled up, and I am consciously putting the fizzing bottle right to the back of the fridge where I cannot see it.

Yups - I am definitely going to die and not have anyone know about it.

And yes - I would not be able to say it was anybody else's fault but my own.

Closure

Too much sleep during the day sure as hell screws up your night. None of my potpourri of pills contains anything remotely close to a sleeping drug. So I have been lying awake in my bed for the last 2 hours… thinking.

And like a moment of truth, I see my light and it’s gone in my head – I shouldn’t have to be here, like this. Stuck in a moment, not moving forward and not backing out.

After weeks and months of sitting around, I think it’s time this moment stops here.

Don't stray ~ don't ever go away
I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better of me

Nothing’s happened. Nothing’s changed. No one’s gone and done anything wrong, and as such, no one is gonna get any emails with a link to this – yet another one of Barbsie’s thought.

Sometimes, when you and I collide,
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time, don’t let me drown
Let me down - I say it’s all because of you

So why then this ya? I am not too sure either.

And here I go, losing my control
I'm practicing your name
So I can say it to your face

Maybe it’s cos I don’t want to have to sit through another week of yo-yo-ing with myself. Not quite knowing when to let loose the reins or when to reel myself in. Not quite knowing where the line is, and if there even is a line.

It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed its time - tell you why I say it’s infinitely true

Maybe it’s cos I find that I cannot be a hypocrite – to have said this to one of my boys this evening – One fine day you’re gonna wake up and find that she’s grown tired of waiting, and gone off swimming with the dolphins in search of her mer-man, and not take some of my own medicine.

And there's no cure, no way to be sure
Why everything’s turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt It makes me so tired ~ I feel so uninspired

I’ve done the “be there for the joy, be there for the tears, be there for each other bit”. And I’ve done the drink courage and be coy bit as well. And seriously – that is where I am gonna draw the line. Cos I’ve never been on of those who believes in exerting their feminine wiles, and I don’t think I should. Ever. Again.

REBECCA: "I'm asking you to give me a reason to stay here, Alex. A reason from you!!"

My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now, it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

I seriously think I have done all I can in this thing called a moment. Not to say that it’s all been a farce, cos it’s not. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – everything that has been done so far, has been from the heart and as such, it should be seen and expressed as so. Yet I seem to be hitting a brick wall from time to time, and I don’t know why, nor what else to do – if there is such a thing.

DEREK: “So, I'm asking you, if you don't see a future with us. Please... please just end it because I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

It’s a risk, it’s a gamble.

But if you take away space, you’re only left with here. And if you take away time, you’re only left with now. And between HERE and NOW, I’ve gotta find some middle ground before this consumes all of me, and all that's left of me and I walk away hating the fact that I'm living and breathing.

It’s no fun to be wondering and to be missing. It’s no fun to be sitting here at half past midnight, and trying to figure life out.

IZZIE: [to George] "I am an optimist. I am a fool. I am not sure. But because I'm your best friend, because I love you, I also have to say... that I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I can't promise a future, I can't promise perfection, because we're us, I'm me and you're you. No one knows what will happen. But in my heart, I am sure. I'm in love with you George. And I hope you're in love with me too."

Say you'll stay

Don't come and go like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know all about you

Lyrics by Bic Runga ~ Sway~
Quotes from Grey's Anatomy ~ Didn't we almost have it all~

Mama's Remedy

Here's an idea on how much drugs I've been pumping into my system for the last 36 hours

To list it down, it would go like this:

• Charcoal tablets
• Gascoal
• Imodium for the runs
• An antibiotic called Flugy
• An anti-spasm pill called.. I don't know what it's called
• And that lil bulb thing - yeah - let's not go where the sun don't shine.

RM 85 and some 36 hours with those drugs running through my system - I was still in pain.

UNTIL mama came along by way of a phone call and a suggestion for this drink she used to make for me.

A handfull of rice grains and a whole load of ginger. Sliced and mixed, then into the microwave to be nuked for half hour. It smells great but taste like rice with water. Steep it in hot water for 10 minutes and it's a brown murky colour.

But you know what - 3 glasses of it later, I am at least able to walk upright, not doubling over in pain and I can throw that plastic bulb thingy away.

Yeah - pit science against mama: Mama always win hands down.

Barbsie's back with a bounce *grin*

Of Flats and Duck Confits

They say - when it rains, it pours. And I could not agree more than that today. For all the gung-ho crap that I spewed yesterday afternoon, I had to remove the "big chip" off my left shoulder when

1. This damn food poisoning got so bad I was loiling in pain the whole night
2. My car battery decides to die on me IN Section 14 AT 7.05 am

It didn't occur to me immediately though - to ask for help. Kinda sat at the mamak, staring at the WiNK mobile for a good 5 minutes, wondering if I should just leave it there, take a cab home, and worry about it tomorrow. That was until another bout of tummy craps sent me doubling over and wincing.

But yeah - it wasn't all that tough to start screaming help all across town to my boys once I came to my senses. And hey - they did come and they did help. If I hadn't been feeling so poorly, you'd be looking at a lot of photographs of my 2 boys - one in office wear and his trusty gloves, and the other looking like a shaggy dog that tumbled out of bed, poking their way under the car hood.

I suppose, in this day and age of fierce independence and every man for him / herself, I could have continued to sit the whole day at the mamak, staring at the WiNK-ster and no one would have been the wiser. And I wouldn't be able to fault anyone at that. Cos if I don't ask - I am never gonna to receive.

So yeah, sometimes the lectures are there for a reason. The *tsk* *tsk* *tsk* all serve a purpose.

Yeah - sometimes, there's just no escaping the fate of being duck confit.. especially when you know you damn well deserve it *grin*

Back to the loiling in pain.

The seagull and life

One of my boys gave me my birthday present yesterday over dinner. Both the gesture and the gift was a surprise. He knows I love to read but his choice for me - Jonathan Livingston Seagull, is a strange one. For this book is about a seagull learning about life and flight, and a homily about self-perfection and self-sacrifice.

As I finished up a long-lost book that I have unearthed in my clean-up last week, I look at this book on my table, willing myself to pick it up. But I cannot. For I am afraid of the things that I will read about and associate with my life as I turn the pages.

Maybe I am only feeling this way cos it's about to rain and I am feeling unwell. Maybe I am feeling this way cos I am seeing for a long time in many moons, that I am ill-equipped to live this life that I have embarked upon.

Tis a dreadful life when you're racked with a fever that turns your toes blue and a stomach ache that has you bent doubled over. AND the only people who know about are a 6 year old girl and a 4 year old boy.

Tis a dreadful life when your family is not 30 minutes away and people you call your friends are even closer, yet the thought of picking up the phone to ring for help and comfort is enough to drain whatever energy that's left of me.

Tis a dreadful life that I've built for myself. For years from now, when my children have established their own life and patterns, I'll have nothing and no one.

Have I become like Jon - in my quest to put some right to my life, be expelled from my flock? Will I be like Jon, never realising that the secret to life is by begining with knowing that I've arrived? Maybe then I would cease to live by always "leaving" first.

I think it's cos I'm ill and I have to run out in this dreadful state with the kids in tow to get to the shops for some toiletries and medication.

I think it's cos I'm bought myself 2 new oven dishes, and with no one to cook for.

I think it's cos I know I should stay home on medical leave tomorrow, but know that I will ultimately drag myself through yet another 12 hour day, grimacing with each new wave of pain that runs through my tummy.

I think it's cos I am thinking too much and never doing anything about the thoughts that come to mind, except write it down here for strangers to read.

I think I see it now. Why you thought this book appropriate. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much again.

It's okay by me

This post is inspired by a statement made just a few nights ago, over drinks and somebody remarked - everyone at this table is so jaded.

*smiles* Betcha never thought it to be so when you made the statement...

Everyday, someone out there gets disappointed
Especially when you've pinned your hopes

On nothing but the wind
You’ll lose some sleep, shed some tears

Everyday, someone out there gets their heart broken
Especially when they trusted everything

In what they thought was love

Who can they believe in now?

Unless there was something they've missed,

They can only blame themselves

They've hurt so much, cried all they could cry
Until the tears won’t come anymore

It’s okay by me for the emotions

To be as far removed as they are

I’ve been hurt, and I’ve cried

I've been lied to, and I've died

It’s okay by me for the world

To be jaded as it is
I’m cold as ice

Nothing can touch me now

Time will slowly pass it by

Until it becomes but a faded memory

And maybe one day

I’ll believe in the wind again

All I care about now
Is to live life as it is
Watching it as a movie

Non-recriminating, non-committing

Until I have a reason to wanna go thru that again,

Nothing really matters much - not anymore
I'm not disappointed and I'm not broken

It's okay by me to be so