96 Hours Without Ah Ma

The deed is done.

We sent Ah Ma off the way she would have wanted it to be done - with our shoulders squared, heads held high and words of praise to God on our lips.

I have yet to grief. Sure, there has been the brief spurts here and there. Tried as I may to keep it together, when memories locked away from my childhood and my adulthood come flooding back, the memory of "Ah-Bab-Bab" in Ah Ma's voice come ringing in my ear, grief could not be kept at arms' length.

I will continue to miss her, just as 13 years later, I still miss Ah Kong (grandpa). I used to think that Ben was insane to speak to his mother (God bless her soul) in the presence tense. But over the last few days, so did I of my grandparents. And I am pretty sure, when I am old and grey, I would still do the same. They were the only grandparents I had ever known. I did not have the good fortune of knowing my maternal grandparents.

96 hours later, I am holding it together till I get on the plane and get home tomorrow night.

I think if I hold on tight to the fact that both my grandparents would be damn proud of who I am today, I'll be alright.

Fourth Day without Ah Ma: Half Strength

Ah Mas body will be cremated this afternoon.

I have been digging very deep in for the strength to carry through the last 3 days and 4 nights. It wavers, it breaks me, it brings me to my knees. But each time it happens, I go and sit by her body and I find solace.

Ah Ma would always tell me: Have patience, be strong. I can still hear it in my head that clear strong advice of hers. Even in the face of the worst adversity of my life, her forgiving nature never faded.

But I am drained - emotionally and mentally... And today, as my cousin already warned me last night: I have to be strong to carry the rest of the through.

I have to cast aside all my regrets - the number of New Years and Christmas that I shied away from her and the family as I hung my head in shame and disgrace: all wasted years. For never once did Ah Ma judged me nor barred me from entering the family home.

As I prepare to send her body off, I can only hope that wherever she is, looking down upon me, she would give me the grace to make good on her lifelong advice ~ for like a desperate person, even a half-strength shot of coffee would do plenty good.

Third Day without Ah Ma: Chasing Cars

One day more.. one day more before Ah Ma goes the way of the Bible saying: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

It is a bit more poignant today as I look through the social networks and blogs and find that my cousins seems to have recent pictures taken with her. While all I have of her is a picture we took together 21 years ago and the smiling face she gave me at Christmas.

I have been feeling rather left out as I was assigned the responsibility of ensuring things went smoothly and the finances are fully accounted for. I watch from my "station" as everyone else throngs at their whim and fancy to go in to sit with her at the wake.

I keep telling myself, that it is alright. That I do not need that physical closeness with her body to mourn. That I can hold on until I reach home, shut the doors, turn off the lights, stop the clock and bawl my heart out. But that is not true.

This is now know. I need my fair share of having last gazes at her face with eyes closed, trying to push my hands through the glass pane to grasp hers one last time.

I need time still to ask Ah Ma: would you still chase cars with me, even though you're not gone?

First Day without Ah Ma: Perfect Day

I had finished Sebastian Barry's latest book: On Canaan's Side just last week. A book that struck me strange as each chapter was marked by "X-Day without Bill". Yet, there is a certain poignancy this morning: Our 1st Day without Ah Ma.

My grandma passed away peacefully yesterday evening - on the eve of the new Lunar calendar. She quietly slipped away as we - her children, grandchildren & great-grandchildren, surrounded her with hymns praising the Holy Mother Mary.

It was the "release" she needed, after being bed-ridden since Boxing Day 2008 when she had a fall. For if you ever wondered where I got my strength, my stubbornness and my need to be constantly independent - look no further, it was all from my elders and Ah Ma was one of them. So I can only imagine what the last few years has been like for her - not able to do anything for herself.

We have had time, plenty of time, to prepare ourselves mentally for this day - yet, no matter how many times we have said our goodbyes, the finality of it drives a certain sense of extreme loss home like a stake being driven through the heart.

Oh what I would not give to see her face light up once again when my kids call her "Lau-mah" and she recognize that it is them, that they have come home once again.

Oh what I would not give to cook another roast chicken meal for her to enjoy.

As I watch my aunt, my dad, my uncles - we're all holding on so tightly to the fact that she had slipped away, after all her pains and sufferings of the last couple of days. And how that it was with holy choirs of angels that she left our side.

So while it was a day of deep, deep loss for all of us, it was also a perfect day.

Ah Ma is now free.

Ah Ma is now gone...