Return to the Beginning

Another year is soon upon us.

They are strange times; times of beginning and endings.
Dangerous and powerful.
And we feel it even if we don’t know what it is.
These times are not necessarily good, and
not necessarily bad.
In fact, what they are depends on what we are.

As I sit here on my balcony (yes – a balcony after 2 New Year’s Eve!), with my vino by my side and the view of the city in front of me, I cannot help but heave a sigh of relief that 2011 is almost over. For if I had to sum it all up – it has been a physically, emotionally and spiritually tiring year.

To set this year’s capping blog in motion, I have to go back to the beginning – where my resolution 365 days ago was to “always find salt” in all that I do this year. It was for that resolution that I sat at the J&R downstairs of the office and told my buddy Simon, my big hairy audacious dreams for 2011. A tall order at that time. But hey – it has all been done!

In many ways, 2011 will go down as a somewhat surreal time of living. For while achieving's one's dreams are important, surpassing them is a blessing. And that is what this year has been. For who was to say a year ago, that I would have gone on one of the most important journey of my life - walking the Camino de Santiago de Compostella. 118 kilometres and 4 1/2 days - funny how little it takes to change your life.

It is important that we know where we come from,
because if you do not know where you come from,
then you don’t know where you are,
and if you don’t know where you are,
then you don’t know where you’re going.
And if you don’t know where you’re going,
you’re probably going wrong.

As I reflect on the days past, I cannot define exactly what it is that has changed, but changed indeed has taken place. And I can only write it down to the fact that it wasn’t so much the trail I took, but the process of being myself and the subsequent continuous emptying that took place.

Again – we have to return to the beginning.

And it is when we continuous take each step as a beginning that each moment is a salt-filled one. For if anything else that I learnt in my 118 km, it is that while it is easy to keep going one-foot-in-front-of-the-other, the monotony of it will eventually drive your feet over the edge. And before you realise it, you’ve strayed so far off and did it subconsciously, that you don’t even know where to start getting the right way back.

I count myself fortunate, extremely blessed – for I am always surrounded by folks (or fairies if I wanted to be Irish about it), who will hold my hand and gently guide me back to the road I have to travel.

And I pray that 2012 will continue to be the same – that my life will continue to have the presence and blessings of angels (again, or fairies) especially those who are only meant to be there for the moment. And that I am in turn, seen as a blessing to their lives as well, serving them the way I am meant to serve.

We pride ourselves on
making a good history of our lives –
a good story to be told.

And yes, though I close 2011 with a gazillion ion of pride bursting out of me, I also look towards 2012 with an equal amount of humility. For at the end of this year and at the turn of the New Year – I am but a foundling. A foundling with much to learn, much to experience and in return – as most foundlings go – much to share.

Here’s wishing you a very happy 2012. May each moment in the year to come be a return to the beginning for you – so that joys can be relived a thousand folds over, and wrongs be righted.

And Then There's Only 2

After a half bottle of vino all by myself, here was how it went:

Barbsie: Here's the keys to the apartment and the room.
Monday: Okay. (Takes keys in hand)... but why when you're just a text away?
Barbsie: Just take them.
Monday: Okay - this is incase you lose your keys, right?
Barbsie: Yeah - of course! Just put them in pouch, whatever. Use them when you feel like it.
Monday: Okay (and puts then in pouch)

So that wasn't so bad.

And the only thought that comes to mind in this hazy state of La Luna is this: It's not perfect but it works.

I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

"Going Home" more often

Many years ago (about 10) in another life and another job, I was interviewed at a Tech Fair. Back then, GPRS was just coming out - 3G was a distant dream. And I remember saying "I would like to see technology help me check up on my kid(s) as I drive home from work, not just hearing them but also seeing them."

3G has been out on the marketplace for so many years now. But I never made good on that goal, that vision. Like everything else in life, I took it for granted. Until...

I bought 2 iPods today - one for our ancestral home in JB and one for my parents' house in Subang. Spent hours setting them up before sending them back down south with my brother. For the amount of money spent, I could easily have gotten myself a fancy-smanchy branded bag. But you know what, the thought didn't even cross my mind until I saw an ad online promoting luxury goods.

I think everyone comes to a certain point in their life when they realise that the bag that hangs behind the door, the big-arse tv that sits in front of the couch, the posh car with its leather-seats and all kinds of navigational tool in ti - they are all things that would mean something for a couple of days, weeks, at most a month and then fade into nothingness.

I wish I had thought of doing this sooner. That way I wouldn't have been walking "alone" in Spain last June. That way my kids perhaps could have said good-bye in person to their grandfather. That way my cousin sister could have seen her mum on the bed for the last time, and not in a box at the wake.

As Ben likes to always remind - Make the most of each and every moment! Because life is such, we cannot always be as near as we would like to. So here's keeping my fingers, ears and toes crossed that with technology - we could at least be as close as circumstances allow us.

Let's all "go home" that little bit more often.

It's not always easy to speak your mind,
sometimes you need to be forced to do it.
Sometimes, it's better to just keep things to yourself,
play dumb, even when your whole body is
aching to come clean.

I stumbled across a song on the radio that has been on repeat loop on my mp3 player since I got home an hour ago. The lights in the house are all off, save the Christmas tree. And in the distance, the skies are so clear I can see Genting Highlands from where I am.

We're going to be waking up in Paris on February 14, 2012. Ask me if I started 2011 thinking that was ever going to happen and I will cheerfully tell you - NEVER! I barely started the year with great faith as it was - Dublin, London and Barcelona in a whirl-wind of 10 days. I stood at the departure gate in June, texting - You're going to show up right? So yes, the city of lights and love barely 9 months after? With only 2 months of planning? God forbid!

So much has happen, I am finally allowing myself to take stock and well, hopefully at the end of all this - come to my senses and do what I need to do ~ reduce one item less from my desk drawer. Yes, the keys are still there - right at the back of the drawer to boot.

I am lame, I know. Using each and every excuse in the book, throwing logic; left, right, front, back and center. And I accused a friend of the same not too long ago - shame on me!

It is only because of the vino that I am admitting this - I am afraid. Of anything and everything when it comes down to it.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

One part of me (added of course by reading past posts) is nagging at me that I have failed him. That he hinted, he waited and I have let him down. Simply because I am afraid. I can say ~ he'll understand. After all,  aren't I the famous one for coming round to my senses, in my own time?

And another part is driving home - we do not have a thousand years Barbsie. If anything else, I have been taught that lesson very well in the last few weeks - life doesn't go on forever as we assume it would.

I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

The year ends is a little over 20 days. I do not know what next year may bring me but if I do not give it a chance to show me, I'd never know.

He may not have said it all, but he has said enough for me to do this...

One step closer

Guilt

My children's paternal grandfather had a fall Monday of last week. I was informed of it on Wednesday. I had the whole weekend to do something - drive and visit by myself, take the kids on a pseudo-outing to visit - a whole bunch of stuff I could have done.

This morning, the text came in to alert that he has passed on. And the whole bunch of stuff I could have done became as it is - stuff that I could have done BUT DID NOT!

As I got ready to leave the house, I was washed with grief - funny considering I was never close to him. Yet, in my heart at that moment in time, and even now, I knew him to be a man who tried and gave his best. He never wronged me, nor did he ever fault me for keeping his grandchildren away from him. Even in the last 2 years, despite me promising that I would take them to visit and not fulfill it, never once did he chastise me on it.

As my mum rightfully explained to my kids last week - his blood runs in them. That is a fact that we cannot avoid nor deny.
 

I always pride myself for being one to do things so that when I go to my grave, I will go without any regrets. But my inaction, for whatever reasons they may have been, will cause me to take this one to my grave.

These are the things we beg for.
A root canal, an I.R.S. audit, coffee spilled on our clothes.
When the really terrible things happen,
we start begging the god we don't believe in to bring back the little horrors,
and take away this.
It seems quaint now, doesn't it?
The flood in the kitchen, the poison oak,
the fight that leaves you shaking with rage.
Would it have helped if we could see what else was coming?
Would we have known that those were the best moments of our lives?

I can only pray that God gives his soul rest and peace, and that over time, I can learn to forgive myself.

3 Sets Of

I went and made duplicates of my new house keys today, weeks after moving in. And for once, I hold 3 sets of keys when it has been the traditional 2.

I have the extra set in the key-ring and all that. And then I tucked it away at the very bottom of the drawer so that I do not have to see it each time I open.

I realise something today. That there is a name to all this madness of the week past. And this name comes with its own colour ~ green. No prizes for guessing correctly. Insomuch as I said to my mother - there is no shame in saying "I'm jealous" for when a cat is a cat, no other name can be used to disguise it.

It is such a difficult feeling to admit to because it means that we are dependent on someone else. And we (my mum and I) - we never like to admit that. We have no qualms to admitting to anything else in life - I am poor, I am fat, I am angry, I am disappointed - but NEVER to being the green-eyed monster. Pride? Perhaps. Shame? Maybe to an extent. But at the end of the day, it is because we condition ourselves to never have to need someone else.

How did I come to realise this? Quite easy and out of the blue really.

I started to compare myself with this phantom figure - this person from yesterday whose name I do not even know. And I started to feel less-than I already am. Feeling of under-achieving, being inadequate... True I have dreams yet to fulfill but it doesn't lessen any of the dreams I have already reached, touch and hold in my hands.

So that was when it struck me - how could this person - this person who was allegedly successful and upcoming - put me to stand only 6 inches tall? How could this person make me feel that everything I have today is less than sufficient when Lord only knows what it took to climb out of the bottom of the devil's cauldron.

I am glad I realised this today, even though I said we need to talk about this next week. Because I will know then what I would say, and what I would do. And if I didn't reach this conclusion on my own, it would be no different from before and those are mistakes I do not want to repeat.

I am my own person. And I am God's gift to this world in my own way. I am special and I am unique. And I should not allow someone else to make me feel any less than. Or rather - I should not allow the threat and insecurity of someone else to make me feel any less than.

If Amanda were still talking to me - she would be so proud to see me come to realise this ALL ON MY OWN. So if you're reading this my dear dear friend - yes, it takes one big step forward to make me see things the way you've always been trying to tell me. But hey - you've always known me to be like this, never one really for small baby steps. And maybe that was what was holding me back from loving me, myself and I.

And as you always say - until I can love myself, I cannot love someone else.

11 Minutes

I have been troubled. I have tried to brush it off, sweep it under the carpet, surrender it to the heavens. But nothing is working. When it is quiet and the wine has worn off, the maggots come back again and in gusto.

In my desperation to survive the next 7 days and night, I turned to Paulo Coelho - the one author, who God seems to have destined to be His Voice of my reasoning. It was a book that I put off reading - thinking what has a book about sex got to teach me through Mr Coelho. I was so wrong.

The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free. That is why, regardless of what I might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense.
For the past 5 months, I have been meandering - trying to figure out why I went all the way to the north of Spain only to come back and have my life do such a big turnaround. I had expected to come back, feeling more love than anything else - because when you have been rung of everything there is in you, there is only one way to fill it all back up - thru love. And if that is so, why have I instead been burning my bridges?

And if I was suppose to learn patience and surrender to a higher will and being, why am I finding it so hard to accept what is in front of me? Why is the faith, the trust, so difficult and long in coming?

I've learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you're with my, even when you're not by my side.

I have been troubled. I have been running through in my head snippets of conversation that could exist, that may exist, that could very possibly never ever take place. I have been fighting down the urge to pick up the phone and write away till my heart's content. But then I ask myself - what do I want out of doing that? And because I cannot answer that question, I refrain from doing so.

I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of living in the same body and doing battle with each other.

Objectivity. That has been hard to come by - burnt the bridge to my one and only objective-looking person in life. And though I have the name and number, pride stops me from asking. Shame stops me from screaming "I need you." Fear stops me from saying "tell me it is not just in my own head."

Someone told me that if I believe that what was said and what is happening is my answer from a knee-mail, then I should not let logic win. But yet, my logic has been my greatest struggle in the last 6 days. The thought of "people always say things they do not mean" has been plaguing my soul.

If you live your life intensely, you experience pleasure all the time and don't feel the need for sex. When you have sex, it's out of a sense of abundance, because the glass of wine is so full that it overflows naturally.

I should be happy. As I said in 2 posts ago. I should be overjoyed. Yet, something in me refuses to let me bask in the warmth of the joy and the "love" if you can call it that.

So tonight I pray to God - let me find withing me the capacity to love. Because if I don't - I will never believe nor deserve any of the good that comes my way. Simply because I will fail to recognise it when I should.

I have had more than 11 minutes for the last 3 1/2 years and from what I have been told - I have more than 11 minutes even when we are old and grey.

Fonts in italics are excerpts that from the book
11 Minutes by Paulo Coelho.

Patience

Every once in a while, I get smacked with an earth-moving situation that requires me to sit very still and do nothing. And over the course of yesterday, after 2 days of being in a very dark place- I have come to conclude that this is another one of them.

I have no control whatsoever over how this will play out. And so, why should I spend my days fretting?

I just need to remind myself, every second, every minute, every hour, every day that this is a lesson in patience.

I Should Be...

I should be happy, over-joyed, elated even that you trust me enough to tell me what may possibly exist today in your life. That you feel I should know and that to some extend my opinion on it matters.

I should be happy, over-joyed, elated even that you get along with both my children so well and how each have taken to the other so well. That Luke looks up to you and Lydia does not cut you off.

I should be happy, over-joyed, elated even that 2 years is to far ahead to make plans. That we should get away as early as we possibly could afford to.

I should be happy, over-joyed, elated that you think where I have moved to is not too close. That it is somewhere you think you could live in.

I should be happy, over-joyed, elated. But I am not.

Simply because I am always the one left-behind.  And I am afraid that after all this happiness, joyfulness and elation - I would come crashing down to earth and break open into a gazillion pieces.

When we were beautiful

"I think the storm has cleared. All you guys need is the opportunity, is all," Des said over a glass of wine.

To ask for her to take the first step is pure selfish and I wouldn't come to that. This is it is all at my end - there is no compromise.

If there is to be a resolution to this stalemate, I'd have to eat crow and take that first step.

In many ways, all the other things she mentioned was also true. But the fear is there. Cos at the base of it, if the one person in this world who accepted me as I was rejects me now, then that will say it all about me.

New Beginnings

I move house tomorrow. And it will likely be my last time moving from one rental to another; the next move would be 2 years down the line, into my own pad.

The house is currently in a mess. I cannot remember how I managed moving homes so many time - the next stop would be my 7th place in a span of 9 1/2 years. And no matter how I keep throwing things out, I am still finding things that I have managed to hoard over the years.

As I take a moment, have a smoke and list down the things for the movers tomorrow, I am taking stock that this move was not scheduled for this year. And as the year unfolded, it became even more unthinkable to be able to afford a new rental. Yet, it is not only a new rental, but it is almost 3 times more than what I have paying now.

We have had happy times here, in this place in the clouds in the neighbourhood of OUG. To think that I was filled with trepidation moving from that side of the valley to this side, and now to the next place being almost a stone's throw away.

To top it all off, to have you ask for an access card and if the unit came with 2 car park bays to let you have the other ~ We have come a long way, babe!

But more importantly, I have come a long way.

So thank you this lil box in the sky. We made it through without any nights staring listlessly at the moon.

Disappointing Child

We have started the renovations on the house in Subang. It is now Week 2 and the workers are going head-on full-swing.

Very few would understand when I say this effort has taken the biggest toll on me. My schedule and my budget have already gone out the window. But that aside, it has wrecked me completely emotionally. And as I sit here this morning, I have never felt more alone - yes, not even my Camino beats this.

I keep thinking, maybe I jinxed my own self ~ this year at my birthday, I didn't write my usual yearly reflection on whether I make my parents proud. I assumed that after everything I had done this year, I have already proven myself. And thus, it was a given fact. *Beep* WRONG! Nothing in life is a fact except perhaps death and taxes.

If anything these last week (and it's only Wednesday!) has taught me is this: I would always be that disappointing child. The one that can never do right, no matter how hard I try.

And so today I stand and say "I'm done." 36 years of trying is a long hard time to try and to swallow it all in. When some don't even need to try, and in their not "trying" they get rewarded. So why should I bother?


If I were to not see the sun go down today, let it say on my head stone

Here lies the one who tried and failed.
The one who was always the let down.
Here lies our disappointing child.

Clarity

I came to realize this evening that sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind. And again, that money is not the "be all and end all" of life. Since the beginning of this year, I have been waking up frustrated with myself, and my life when I should be waking up feeling joyful. I have been grumpy, frumpy and behind on most things that are important. Simply because I felt obligated. I am still obligated but now there is light at the end of this tunnel. And while I know this decision will irrevocably make life a little bit harder, it is also a necessity. For I am not like you, decent as you are. My beliefs are different from yours. And frankly, I do not like your beliefs and as such, I do not like jumping when you tell me to. And so, my countdown begins. To the day life as I know it returns to normalcy and decency.

By the wall

Today was a wretched day.

As I stood in the mid-day sun by the letterbox, tears streaming down my face, text messages flying back and forth with Ben, I realised in the midst of my despair, just how much I miss my friend.

How you understand

Some times, some bits of my life begets a whole lot of explaining. Half the time I refrain from saying too much simply because it will likely end up with my conversation partners giving me the "raise-eye-brow-are-you-crazy?!" look.

Often Ben surprises me at his maturity - comes with the age difference I suppose. But even then, his ability to accept and understand the bits that requires the most faith still takes me by surprise.

If most other things you can understand my whys and yet, fail to see eye-to-eye with me on my faith, it is a deal breaker for sure.

Yet, it is with my faith that you stand strongest - indeed I am blessed.

The 4th

For most people, arriving at a decision is a rather easy process. Take all your parameters, put it in place and the answer will more or less show itself.

For me, doing all that only serves one purpose - a process of shortlisting for the ultimate decisions. At the end of the day, I do not have the last say.

I am now coming down to the wire. By the end of this week, I would have signed over a cheque for a place. But it is not the place that I have thought I would end up with. Or rather, it is beginning to look like it is not the place.

For this, there are a lot of sacrifices that would need to come in. And I have been tossing and turning, trying to come to terms with these changes that I need to make. For instance, Rome may no longer happen! And these are hard terms to accept cos just over the weekend, I thought to myself - after 8 1/2 years, I have fought back from the brink of destitute. And this final act is more or less going to see me heading back that way.

Yet, I cannot neglect or cast aside the "joy" that is flowing from my parents with my decision. It is reflecting in every which way possible!

What does one do in this instance then? What should I do in this instance then?

I suppose, nothing less than following the 4th to the T with full gusto!

So Far Ahead.. and Then?

I am in the midst of searching for a property to call my own. My yardsticks for it have shifted so many times, I am still dizzy from all the spinning.

Ben asked me last week - why do you have to buy another when you already owned one? He pushed and prodded, threw every reason I came up with out the window, knowing there was something more that I was not saying. Until it came out ~ I am tired of moving from one place to another, trying to make it into a home and never succeeding cos it was never mine to begin with.

Tonight it dawned on me just how big a leap I have taken in the last 12 months. And it is overwhelming me to the extreme. If I were wiser, I'd get up and reach for the gin. But I want a clear head cos I know somewhere out there, there is a reason for all this..

This is the furthest I have ever gone in all these years of living. And tt is not just committing a large portion of my income into a piece of air in the sky.

I tell myself it could only have come this far because it is not real in the traditional sense. And after I tell myself that, I go to church and pray that if this is not what that is written, please take him away. And then what happens? He sends him to me, suggesting we start a joint investment account affectionately called "The Devil's Fund" cos it is to pay for our way to Old Trafford to catch a ManU game live in person next year. A trip that is purely holiday - no work to flank it with.

And the year after, we have the grand dame of all plans - my folks, my kids and us off to Ireland, with my folks moving on to a visit to a holy site in Europe while he tours Ireland with Lydia and Luke while I work. And after all that, they will come back and we will go to Rome.

To cap it all off, if I do buy a property, the year after that would be the year I take possession of it.

Like I said - such big leaps and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps I am trying to shy away from seeing it. Perhaps it is a fuzzy dot out there in the distance but I am putting on my blinders.

I always said I'd be happier alone.
I have my work, my friends,
but someone in your life all the time?
More trouble than it's worth.
Apparently, I got over it.

Sunday

My cousin Paul wrote on his blog that "ecause his "dialect" with which he communicates love is different (perhaps his is by tell her how much he loves her), these deeds she does for him didn't seem important to him, and she feels unloved."

I am quite possibly able to write this posting tonight only because I have had nothing to eat since lunch and half a bottle of vino in.

I turn 36 on Sunday. And this year, it should be something I am looking forward to. To borrow an expression from Mandy - I have "arrived" after having licked the very bottom of the devil's cauldron.  But not only that, since knowing a certain someone since 2008, this is the 1st birthday of mine that we are celebrating together.

Try as I may to tell myself to not make a fuss about it - I know deep down that he has made efforts to shift his life around, so that he is around this Sunday. I knew it 4 Sundays ago. (Though at that point in time, I was miffed big time but yes, the light bulb did come on eventually).

And in order that I do not end up disappointed, I have been telling myself that it is a coincidence. That it was not intended.

BUT if I know him, like I have come to know him and as Paul wrote - I am denying myself joy. Real JOY! Fore he has made effort and I am not giving him brownie points for it. Simply because I have been left out in the rain far too many times.

I have been asking myself today, playing scenarios in my head, wondering "Who am I to you?" when I didn't have to. Wasn't it said before not too long ago?

"I shake the hands of my friends when we meet!"
"But you don't shake mine!!!"

"What nonsense are you going on about?! Please - you are miles ahead of all of them!"

I am such a fool. I shall enjoy the rest of my wine and look forward to turning 36.

Life awaits!

The Sweet Smell

I am done for the operational year. My first. And we have a full house. And then some!

If you asked me a year ago, could I see myself in the position I am in today? I would have told you NO. In fact, I DID say NO, it won't happen! Yet it did.

I have had to work my arse off. But you know what - it was what I had to do that makes this day, this moment so much sweeter than it would have been!

Some would say, I didn't aim high enough. And in all honesty, it may have started out as such. But towards the middle - it wasn't enough anymore.

I shot for the gold and got it.

I must remember this day. And this smell. And this smile. Baby I'm a firework and they are going Oh-oh-oh!

Breaking Habits

After my last posting, I went back to read how I felt last August. And I realised something - I have been going towards this trend, with this year being the 2nd year running.

Have I not learnt anything the last 365 days to know that despite the maggots in my head - they are what they are - maggots in my head! If not for anything else, this year should be further testament that I am my own spiral downfall catalyst.

I need to break the habit. Break these chains that hold me, tripping me up when I give it the opportunity to.

Another Year…

Another year is coming to an end – both on the work front and also on the age side.

So much to think about and reflect upon, yet my thoughts and head is all over the place – where do I begin?

I was overwhelmed by a deep sense of loss last night. Perhaps it was because with most of the sales seats sold, the deluge of emails that has been keeping me occupied almost 24/7 is dwindling down to a trickle. Soon it would be a small cry from being absolutely silent. What do I do with myself then?

This year has been all about work – getting the business off the ground. And off the ground it did take, and not stopping at just there. We could be slightly snobby and say that we shot for the moon and got the stars. Yet I do not feel the sense of accomplishment and achievement – not when I think that how maybe I got lost along the way.

I “FBeed” this morning that I was feeling weepy. I still am. If I had it my way, today would have been a day where I stayed holed up at home, the blue bottle in hand and the sampoerna in the other. All because I have counted the losses and it has stacked up so high against me, it is too much to bear.

If I could have one wish for the year ahead it would be this: That I could grow some coldness in me – so that I can be like them out there who could easily take things up and put them down. My work has drained me. Squeezed me dry. And I allowed it to happen by taking such a deep personal interest in each and every person who came through that door.

It is not the draining of energy that I am wallowing on about. But rather the reminder of something someone once said to me: How could you be so wonderful to a customer, and so rotten to those who really are in your life?!

Sunday looms large and lonesome ahead. I can’t even begin to think about how I can go about filling the day so that I do not start a new age all red-eyed and moped out.

Cos at the end of the day, I may be going into 36 far wealthier than I have ever been financially, but my life is so empty, invoking the bankruptcy act won’t even cut it.

Lost Highway

An old and dear friend messaged me on FB last night. And it was only then that I find out that he has been going through a lot of pain in the last few months.

Despite what people may have been thinking or saying - I have not been on a rampage of forgetting where I "came from" nor cutting ties with those who sat with me at the bottom of the devil's cauldron.

I suppose this is where "cultural" (for lack of a better word) differences comes into play. I have been associating and working with folks who have no qualms in coming on board and going "Have you got a minute?" And I forget that our culture is one where if we see the other going round like a headless chicken, we say to ourselves "Let's not bother them with our troubles."

I am disappointed in my own self. For all the walking I do, I am still like a horse with its blinders on. I should be more intuitive and know when a simple "Hi" may mean more, need more.

It now seems that I have been running on this lost highway. I suppose there is no time like the present to get myself back to the main roads.

The End of an Era

I had a big pow-wow with Mandy over the weekend.

Even writing that line was hard as I couldn't write "BFF" anymore. And it makes me think - the acronym is just an acronym. It went out the window as fast as acronyms are created.

I am 36 this year. And that would mean that I have known her for over 16 years. It sure didn't take long to dissolve something that many years took to build. But then again, we wouldn't exactly be lying if we didn't admit that it has been brewing and fermenting for the longest time.

I have realised that a friendship is just the same as any relationship - it takes a lot of work to keep it going and to keep its shape intact, especially as we grow and change. Perhaps I forgot that cardinal rule in this instance, choosing to ignore that even between friends, sheets must sometimes be aired before the stink sets in so hard, no matter how many times you wash it, you will never be able to get the musk out.

16 years - come hell or high water, we have always been there for each other. And yes, she was always in my corner, waving my flag for me. Have I come to think that I have 'arrived' at a point in my life that I can do without this staunch supporter? Alas, I have not. Cos who else knows more about me in my circle of friends than her?

Yet, it was a point and a decision that I had come to reach. And despite what another friend Dzul tried to remind me, it was a painful decision to take. My colleague Sam just told me that perhaps I too have changed. And maybe that it is. I realised that we have both branched out in different directions of life - so far apart that the chasm seems too wide to cross.

These are all decisions that I have taken on my own. In all fairness, she has not had her say. And I cannot apologise enough for breaking her heart the way I did.

But that era has come to an end. And I'm sorry it ended the way it did. I can only wish her well and that all she has her heart's desires set upon, she will be blessed by them.

Shame and My Lil Blue Card - Part II

When I first wrote Part I, I never really thought there would be another incident that would inspired me to the point of sitting down at my desk to write a follow up. I never thought 9th July 2011 would happen.

The last 36 hours has been nothing but a bundle of anxiety, angst and shame. Traffic disruptions and all aside, I think my main bone of contention was the gripe of terror that took hold of my insides as I watched the events of the day unfold on- and off-line.

The people of the city and country stood up today and marched with one intent, one voice and one purpose - Enough of this bullshit! Clean up your act or get the hell out of here! Of course, they are far more eloquent than I am, hence fewer words are needed.

And while I started today being apolitical, as the sun set and the sounds of traffic on the highway next to my window is still less than what it normally is - I am infuriated! For today, if not for anything else, my government held me a terrorist hostage IN MY OWN CITY!

For the first time in my life, I feared for my own safety and the safety of those I know and care for. For the first time in my life, I bundled the kids in the car and headed out to make sure the larder had provisions to last us at least a few days.

I still recall the last time we came this close, I had nonchalantly told my folks that if anything happened, since I was at the office, I would simply run next door and seek asylum. And in 1998, when the roads in front of the then-office (which was Lee Rubber across from the High Court) was cordoned off much like it was today, I play the eye-in-the-sky ~ providing updates via phone on where the water canon trucks were parked at. Even as the FRU stormed our building to evacuate us and I walked alongside men in amour - it was another day in my city.

But today was a different story. Simply because I waited and waited and waited for a voice of reason, for a voice in power to step up to the plate and call an end to the madness - it never came. I waited and waited and waited for the Main Man to speak yet again. But alas, apparently his voice and words are like the cards in Monopoly - you only get to use it once!

Add to it, the visual and written reports of police brutality just further befuddles me. It is so difficult to reconcile, especially since it is still fresh in my mind how I was advised to head to the nearest police station along the way of my Camino if ever I was in dire need of a stamp for the day and no one else was open.

Today was not the day for you to prove to those who put food on your table that you know which side you are on! Today was not the day for you to be trigger-happy with whatever weapon you were equipped with! Today was not the day for you to cast aside your brain and just be a stupid kambing-biri-biri! And for that matter - NO DAY EVER IS! For aren't you in uniform to protect and serve the people? Instead, you held us all at your ransom. AND, no prizes for guessing what your rationale of it is going to be tomorrow: We were following orders.

When we were away last month, one of the things that hit us really hard was the fact that "there is no place like home". But right now, if this is what home is going to head towards - I'll gladly sing in the metro for my supper and have my kids stand with a tin in hand in front of a phone booth anywhere else in the world!

When you terrorise your people the way you did today - you can only be sure of hell to pay when the time comes.

The Great Escape

Okay so I have not really sat down and blogged much about the great escape that I had in June. I do apologise for that lapse. Having said that, I hope you had also given me the allowance of letting things settle down before committing to words the events of June 2011.

The Camino to Santiago De Compostela

This was the first part of the great escape. 6 days in the Galicia region of Spain, walking 118.5 km through its wilderness, villages and towns on my own. All to fulfill a vow. I shan't elaborate much about it as you can read the whys and the hows in my Camino blog.

Perhaps the only thing that I can add here is this: I found no clear wisdom nor have I learnt anything profound. I do not have any life changing decisions to make. But it was clarifying. Would I do it again? It's a definite NO. Simply because if I do - it only means I didn't clean enough on the first attempt. And if that is the case, then perhaps the Camino is not the place to do some soul cleaning.

Ireland for Work

This trip to Ireland was a partial wash-out. Weather-wise, this was the worst I have seen in my 3 visits. Not only were the skies grey most of the time, it poured at its own whim and fancy! And when it poured, it poured! I kid you not - torrential rains in Ireland?!

I suppose I would also have to add to it that I was ill and in pain. Yup - busted my right ankle and left knee on the Camino and was hobbling about a fair bit. But it gave me time to rest up and rest indeed I did! And yes, I did complete the work that I had to do before me - so no goofing off there.

The Vacation

I suppose for most folks, this is the bit you've been waiting for. The much-talked about vacation with the heard-off-but-not-seen person in my life.

For starters, even as I got on the plane, I still wasn't sure if I would be at Dublin Terminal 2 on the night of 22nd June waiting in vain. Fortunately, it was again all just maggots in my head. Did I go flying into his arms? Nope. In fact, it was a very sedate affair overall - the airport welcome. Let's write it down to me being ill and out of sorts.

I had this immense trepidation of sharing a space with someone else, after being on my own for so many years. And the first few days of Dublin and London was just me trying to shake it off. I do not think there is another person out there as anal as I was about the whole thing. So unless you can tell me that you actually did your business in the restroom of a restaurant not because you really had to go, but because it was an opportunity to go - I win hands down!

And what would a vacation be without any tantrum throwing eh? I must say, it was a fine one that I threw the first night of London after discovering that the B&B meaning of a double-bed is actually that slightly bigger than a super-single. Add to it walking out of the bathroom to find your sleeping partner laying down beddings on the floor for the night - it was a watch me walk out the door event for sure. But I must say, Ben took it all in his stride - leaving me to heave, huff and puff out in the cold on my own, knowing that I will calm down and head back in.

So with that, I do not know why the memories of Barcelona still blows me away. How he let me sleep, went about and got dinner ready (his birthday dinner to boot!) and had a glass of proper warm tea with fresh lemon juice waiting when I woke up. Yups - warm fuzzy feeling all around now!

I suppose it was a trip that was much needed. A break from the norm of the last 3 years. He got to see sides of me that was never shown before and I got to see a side of him that I never thought existed before.

Has anything changed since we got back exactly a week ago? I really cannot say. And I shouldn't. It wasn't happiness that I was seeking from the great escape. Hence, nothing really should happen afterwards.

I was seeking to make a solid memory and boy did I succeed at it. Not only at my end but at his too!

Question that hangs now is: Where to next and when? And hey - that didn't come from me so perhaps if we really had to quantify it - that is some measure of progress then yes?

Wouldn't It...

This sums up the value of the time spent on our vacation: we're willing to pack up our bags, skip town and busk by the streets for our supper.

Now that is time and money well spent indeed!

Loopsided

The mattress shifts just once when I turn my body.

The sound of pillowcase crunching happens only when I turn.

I can stretch my leg across the other end of the bed and there is nothing stopping it from going further.

10 days is long enough a time to get used to so many things, so many habits.

Oh dear.

End or Beginning?

Time flies as we sit here at Doha Airport, waiting for the final leg home.

A year of planning (and fretting), it comes down to this ~ a 6 hour transit?

I am holding on to what a passing stranger told me: You won't know, until you get home and go back to normal life.

Yesterday, by forgetting those words, I was ready to walk off La Rambla straight to the airport and catch the next flight home.

Today, I am wishing we are back on the terrace with peaches and wine.

Nope - I can't and I won't conclude. If this is the end or the beginning.

Of a Lifetime

I am sitting the terrace in a suburb in Barcelona. In all honesty, I really never thought I would be writing a post from here - right here, right now. Yet, I am.

I have been and is still on a trip of a lifetime. Like it was said at Hyde Park a couple of days ago - if the plane falls out of the sky tomorrow, I'd die happy.

The sun is out and it is coming close to 11 am but I'm in no hurry. While they say "time and tide waits for no man", this is different. The cities we have been and is in - they are only backdrops.

And that - that is enough for me!

Next stop: Home. But as every journey ends, a new one begins.

Now & Forever

I sat in the train in from Cork to Dublin today and I looked out the window to a scenery of wide open fields, cows and sheep grazing happily away and horses trotting along. Funnily enough, it brought about a sense of loss for the Camino which ended a week ago for me.

Perhaps it is because Ben has gotten on the plane and is physically making his way half way around the world to me. And his words that we will sit somewhere tomorrow to talk about my Camino experience.

Perhaps it is because since the Camino ending and right up to today, I have not been able to discuss my experience over with another person who was on it or who had done it.

I went out to dinner with a business associate I met once in KL not too long ago. She was pretty determined that we met up when I came around and for that I was sceptical – am I just another business contact to milk for my worth?

Yet, 3 hours later, we had just parted ways outside my hotel, leaving the restaurant because it was closing. And the banter tonight was a bit about work. But it was also a lot of discussions about “living in the now”.

I have no plans made ready for Ben and his first European experience. It is so unlike me. But here’s the thing – I am not having to fight down some internal demons to not type up so itinerary to fill his day. It is REALLY a ‘we will do whatever we feel like doing’ kind of trip and not a ‘we must do everything because we might not come back this way again’.

It is so difficult to reconcile tonight that no more than a week ago, I was at my most vulnerable – the memory of breaking down at some intersection of a road and sending out a Facebook plea is still so fresh in my mind. And yet today, for more than an hour, a room full of highly respected persons in their industry had their attention paid to me and what I said.

It is also so difficult to reconcile that I am taking the whole family away on a family vacation at the end of this year. Yups, all 5 adults and 6 kids to Singapore – simply because I want when I am 80 and my brother is 76 and our parents long gone, that we sit with our evening cup of teas and reminisce on the memory that we made. That when our kids grow up and get together they can chat collectively about the holiday they had – together.

One of my dinner companions remarked that at the end of the day, we all have to go back to basics and that is doing what we must to live in the present.

As I close this and head for my shower, my thoughts are with a particular friend of mine. I will not say you are lost. Neither will I say you are clueless. I have no wise words to share with you my darling friend except this – we only have one life to live. And sometimes we have to be selfish to live that one life.

It has not been said before (and Mandy I know you will likely be going WHAT?! after reading this) - Ben’s trip to Europe is a gift. My gift to him. It may seem much and yes, indeed there is a whole lot more than I can do with the money that I have and will be spending.

But at the end of the day, I am making a memory. And that, just like my Camino, will always be something I have to carry with me for the rest of my life – come what may.

If the walk in the wilds of Spain has thought me anything – it would be that: Plans are all fine and well. But what matters most is what I do with the “now”.