Halle Halle

So, a year has come and gone.

For some of us, it has been a fantastic year – a year where all our anticipations, our commitment, our hard work – they all took off and brought it home.

For others, it has been a year of endless pressure, facing life changing decisions – one after the other. A year where it may have felt like we had nowhere to hide.

And again, for others, it has been a year where the never meant to happen happened. The unexpected took place. It may have left us reeling from the aftermath or it may have left us wanting more.

I have run from the truth

Since the days of my misspent youth

I was hungry for kindness

I was lost in life's blindness

It has been my tradition, since I started blogging, to do a capping blog for the year. As I sit down to reflect upon the year past, I cannot help but ask myself – Where does the end of 2009, and this decade, leave me? BUT better yet, as we end that sentence, follows the thought – Where has this year BROUGHT me?

When you're born without wings

All you dream of, all you want

Is that feeling of flying

Of rising and climbing

The start of the New Year sees me standing on the precipice of an awesome new adventure – one I had dared to dream but never dared to go after. It is one that has been in the making for the last 18 months. As we go into the home-stretch, I am so filled with awe and at the same time, packed with trepidation. For a person with a multitude of commitment phobias, the strokes of the pen on the spots-marked-X come Quarter 2 2010 would be the biggest commitment I would have ever made.

If we left this year’s reflection at that, it would pass muster and join the ranks of years past. For in re-reading the cap for the last two years, I must admit that life has been kind - not one year has yet to end on a bad note. And to mark 2009 as my final year as an employee would definitely not qualify as a bad note. But the depth of what 2010 would come to symbolize would be lost if not for this year.

For this year, I understood and welcomed what it meant to love myself first; a notion that has been droned on and on by those in my circle. That it was not selfish to put myself first in all things. More importantly, that I need no other reason or motivation to go after what I set out to achieve – me, myself and I are reason solid enough to climb mountains.

We can all give the excuse that with living comes obligations - to our families, our employers, our friends. But surely, as this is our life, we owe it to ourselves to fulfill obligations to our own self as well. As an old friend mentioned over tea last weekend – I AM my most important person for if I were to collapse, everything and everyone who stands with me, collapses as well. Hence, I should be my NUMBER 1 priority.

I recall my ‘auspicious’ word (demanded at gun-point) from the love of my life (OMG! Did we just come out and say that?) said the day I turned 34 – the best thing to celebrate for the day, is the fact that I am ALIVE. Not just living and breathing but experiencing and embracing.

Always thought I’d die young
In these hands I help the gun
But it's too late for dying
Now there's nothing worth hiding

It was a scary step to take, especially when somehow, somewhere along the lines, you convince yourself that you’re “arrived” and there is nothing more to learn, no one credible enough left to teach. I am grateful, that these half-blind eyes of mine, was pried open to see the error of my ways; that I did not have to suffer a great fall to acquire such wisdom. Especially when the year brought so close to home the realness of human mortality.

I've lost love, lived with shame

I was humbled by my fall from grace

On the steps of decision

It's revenge or forgiveness

For this year also saw me burying one of my own. Yes, I know – but hey, we have to call it as it is and acknowledge that he was somehow one of my own. We cannot close the year without remembering that close encounter with the hooded one holding his scythe.

As I had corrected Mandy when she categorized it as being “happier times”, we will always remember it but as of “happy times.” My world and views have changed since then, that even the simplest of things brings me much joy, which probably explains why I was able to grieve and really close that chapter we used to call “being young and naïve.”

Halle Halle - We're one breath away

With the CIA World Factbook giving the 2009 estimate of the Malaysian female to live up to 76.21 years – I have about 32 years left out of this thing I call life. Tomorrow, Regret, Failure – these are not the things I want to be left thinking about when my time runs out.  

Halle Halle - From our judgment day

At the end of the day, of the year, of the decade – there can be so many lessons that I can scribe down. But nothing is as important as being fully conscious of the fact that this life is transient. What I achieve and amass today, I cannot take with me on the morrow when the sand in my hourglass runs out. 

So as I make our plans, set my goals for 2010, make that personal commitment to be better at who I am, and what I do. As I work toward it, I would do well to not forget to every now and then, look around. Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

AND I know I can do it – cos I am not going into it alone. While as this year passes, I may have been physically alone, experienced loneliness of a depth that cripples you – yet, my persons were always there. And though I have said it many times before, I will say it again – Because you, you and you (you know who you are), I am grateful to be alive.

You leave it all on the table

If you lose or you win

In closing, I will borrow the words of Brazilian writer Paulo Coelho and say: May love fill your heart, compassion guide your mind, faith rule your soul!

You got to learn to love

The world you're living in

Happy New Year folks! Experience and embrace everything 2010 throws your way – You might just Be Amazed!

Learn to Love

Bon Jovi – The Circle

Author’s Note:

The words in italics are taken from the NBA’s “Where Amazing Happens”. It is on this campaign that the tenets of “Study in Ireland - Be Amazed” was drawn upon. Needless to say, when it involves a round bouncy orange ball, it is inspired by none other. "Instead of fear, be inspired!"

Fractured

It has been a very long time since I felt that I was not worthy to go and stand in church, in the presence of God. For the last 18 months or so, when things have gone so badly wrong, it has been my sanctuary, the only place where I can find peace. Yet, today, when I needed peace most and the silencing of the demons in my head, I did not feel that I had the right to be in the presence of holiness and serenity.

I have been trying to figure it all out in my head the last 24 hours... why my own mother hates me so much that nothing I do or say in her eyes would ever be right. That is the only reason I can assign to her meltdown yesterday where I bore the only bulls-eye target in the house. That my existence must pain her so much, its name must only be HATE.

I admit as much, I have never been the perfect child. Never the brains of the family, I have always been mediocre in my studies. And with my headstrong ways and living an unconventional lifestyle, I must have brought to her a certain amount of shame in front of the relatives as well. In choosing to hold true to my values of a professional life, I have never really made it up the corporate ladder, bringing home only sufficient bacon but never the caviars or the trimmings of a hearty meal.

Perhaps as she looked at me, she is reminded of the child that came after me that she had to abort cos they just couldn't feed the both of us. Perhaps as she looked at me and all my failures, she wished it was me that she had chosen not to keep. That he might have been the perfect child, giving her less worries, bringing her only pride and joy.

Traditionally, by today, the 4th last day of the year, I would have my reflections all scripted out and ready for publishing. Yet this year, even though right up to yesterday has been one of the best years of my existence, I cannot get past this blockade.

The LegalBeagle said over tea that the beginning of a new year is always a good time and a good thing. "People are always hopeful" he said. Right up to yesterday, I would have agreed with him. But not right now.

For what's the point of having hope when the person who gave you life believes that there is no hope for you?

Author's Note - 30th December 2009:
I had wanted to delete this post now that the incident leading up to this is water under the bridge with mum. But to do so would be to deny that these vile (yes, I know they are vile) thoughts never existed in my head. So, this post shall remain as it is. But don't get me wrong - I love my mum and I know she loves me. When we do rub each other the wrong way, it tends to end up so ugly it puts Mafia Wars to shame. I have to admit, when it comes to her, I have a chip on my shoulder. Maybe in time to come, I will get over it ~ Accept and live with it.

Oasis

There's just 3 people in my life who can break me, bring me to my knees. Today 1 of them did so. As the bus trotts back north, I'm trying to forget that everyone else is being warmed this cold night by a Jap dinner and family love. Cos remembering is more painful than the last 2 seasons spent by myself. Perhaps folks remain by themselves cos they know letting people, family in only brings nothing but pain.

48 Hour Limit

No one has thot to ask me why I set a 48 hour time limit with my return trips. 

As much as they say to bring it out in the open is to jinx it, I've learnt it doesn't have to be that extreme. And the plain truth lies not in this city. But it being the duration my mum and I can be in close proximity without ending up in an argument. 

I thot pulling it a few hours would be fine but I've thot wrong. 

No matter how I try, I WILL NEVER be good enough.

Felices fiestas

As each of us make our way to our destination(s) today and tomorrow, here's a lil wish from me to you this season:

The light of the Christmas star to you
The warmth of home and hearth to you
The cheer and good will of friends to you
The hope of a childlike heart to you
The joy of a thousand angels to you
The love of the Son and God's peace to you.

Merry Christmas!

The Spirit of Christmas

"It's definitely very seasonal weather going on here," said my colleague Kathryn as we caught up quickly over the phone this evening. Temperatures are at a high of 7 degrees in Dublin with blasting cold winds and frost ~ it doesn't really ever snow in Ireland. And unfortunately for us, the rains seemed to have stopped crossing over our valley here in the tropics, bringing with it the same ole level of humidity and sunny rays.

I must say, there's something about the sight of people huddled deep and down in their woolies that make Christmas a wee bit more Christmassy in those parts of the world with four seasons (and winter being in the right time of the year). The twinkle of the lights on outdoor tree decorations seem to sparkle just that little bit more, possibly cos our eyes are watering from the exposure to cold. Perhaps wintery weather drives the spirit of the season a bit closer as we hurry along our way to get out of the cold, in the hope of a warm home awaiting.

And that would be my point for tonight. Cos Christmas, as my religion teaches, is a time of hope. For the birth of Christ was the beginning of our salvation. As God-turned-man, he was also given free will - as with all of us. Hence, to me, it is the essence of hope - hope that he would make the right choices as he grows to be the man who ultimately allows himself to be crucified on the cross, to redeem us lost souls.

While we now know how the story did eventually turn out, we should try and recapture the emotions of the world back then - when they did not have the Bible to fast-forward the chapters and pages to the end. And so they had to wait. And wait with heart overflowing with hope. To the point that kings traveled from afar and shepherds with their flock came to pay homage upon his birth.

And so as we open our year-end pay slips, read through our performance reviews, empty the bank accounts for the start of a new school year and put up that new calendar on the wall. As we steel ourselves for next month's credit card bill, where the indulgences in line with the festivities catches up with us and our partners start planning for next year's getaway.

Perhaps it might do us some good to have some of that hope that the people did so many thousands of years ago. That somewhere down the road, our salvation (in whatever form that applies to you) awaits us as well.

If we but have a little more faith and resist the urge to fast-forward this, as we tend to do with so many other things in our live - our patience and perseverance might just reward us in the end.

Happy days ahead folks! Happy days indeed!

Pussy Licking on a Sunday Morning

I recently did something really impolite in the cyber world. I removed a friend (and yes, I have come to consider this person as a friend) without saying so beforehand. 

Back-tracking into the week past, I have come to conclude that perhaps, it was a bit of jumping-the-gun on my part. But then again, when it comes down to having to face with really nasty people, I tend to not want to do battle these days anymore.

I woke up today to an email from said-person, asking "why?" and for the life of me, I could not formulate all my justifications and rationalisation into a proper sentence.

A week has gone by and in all honesty, not a day has gone by that I did not log on and think of my friend. Watching "You've Got Mail" in the midst of this wave of melancholy I have to say - does not help. Cos it is a movie, albeit only a decade old, set in a different time and space. Such notions can no longer survive in our space - notions of honesty and eloquence.

I chose not to deal with psychopathic dramas and so I chose to run away. And in that process, cost a friendship. I can claim that I'm doing him a favour - so he didn't need to get a guard-dog that is trained to kill or deal with hysterics on the home-front.

But the simple truth is I cannot deal with nasty people anymore these days and would not want any part of them in my life, in any way - even the remotest of all possibilities. But to say that would essentially mean saying in not so many words - choose. And it is not something I would want anyone to have to do. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

So while I am able to find laughter in me this wistful morning with the comments my friends are giving me over this grief, it remains as it is - a spot of bother this season.

Perhaps I should have added "I have missed you my friend". 

Alas, the morning handed me a pussy licking and the damn cat did not just stop there but ran away with it as well. And so it is only said here on the Shooter and not anywhere else.

Oh well. So much for "honesty, trust and integrity". 

Question Not

What a whirlwind the past few days have been. Going home always take a bit of a toil on my sanity - different environment, different roles. Not the adaptive person that I am, it puts me out of my elements, this environment that I have no control over.

But I am glad I made the trip - even if it was for the biggest day of someone I have only met once.

"Why do you have to go early? And why is it your responsibility to make sure your friend eats before the festivities begin?" my mum asked with a hint of wrath. And I know she's not the only with so many questions of "why?" Even our close circle of friends has asked the same.

These are not questions I can answer. Nor are they questions I would choose to answer. I can string together words that might seem justification enough for you. But the truth is - there isn't any.

You never ask why you're there when a friend calls on you. And do forgive me for taking a stand that departs from yours - if you call yourself a friend, a close friend, you do not really wait until the moment you are called upon.

I may not have done much but hearing folks who have known Alex longer than I have exclaim surprise and disbelief when he whipped out his speech from his jacket pocket "He prepared a speech?!" is enough for me. To be sitting there with a drink ready for him to gulp down in a moment's of respite is enough for me. To answer his text in the midst of the dinner, waving the pom-poms in the air and saying "It's all going well. Worry not." is enough for me.

Besides, Alex has done more for me these last 5 months than most folks I call my friends. He stopped mid-way wedding photo shot to call me and let me break down by the side of a road. He welcomed this position of BFF with arms wide open and judged me not once, despite all my moments of insanity and quirkiness. 

So the lil that I think I have done is nothing really.

Sometimes, we do not have to walk to the ends of the earth to make a contribution of sorts. Perhaps if more people realised that, then our world might be easier to live in. Perhaps if more people realised that, life would not always seem like such an uphill climb.

Journeys

It's been almost 11 months since I've been back to my hometown. It wouldn't have been another couple of months, except that BFF1* is getting married and the bride hails from the next suburb to grandma's house.

This trip breaks a number of rules.

For starters, I have only met Alex once. We have heard of each other's names and escapades through our mutual love, Mandy but we had only met at her wedding earlier this year. For someone I've only spent a day with, for me to be helping out at his biggest day - now that's definitely a rule-breaker. And let's not even go to where he wants to "present" his bride to me before Sunday so I can give the BFF seal of approval.

Secondly a WEDDING. As Donald said when I rung to make plans for tomorrow evening "I thought you DIDN'T DO weddings?" For the life of me, I can't even recall attending the wedding of one of my closest cousins ~ still not sure IF I had gone, and too embarrassed to 

ask to clarify.

Lastly, I am actually announcing ahead of my impending return. Trying to see as many friends and family as possible. Which is unusual to say the lest! And judging from some of the responses I've gotten - family seems pretty pleased that this prodigal one is going back, even if it was for just a weekend.

"I didn't realise your return was such a big deal," said the groom. Yes - not many people would either. Simply cos not many people knew how I was back then, how prejudiced I can be and how strongly I can be defiant when the maggots form preconceived notions in my head. But the family always did, and kept their own counsel.

Add to it, most know why I have always resisted going home and to hear of me voluntarily, eagerly and happily heading down south - perhaps they can all breathe a little easier knowing that I am no longer as damaged as I was when I left.

Perhaps as I get older, I realise that while I may have chosen a separate set of individuals to call my persons, it doesn't mean that I have reason to neglect those I am connected to by blood. As such, it is once again a joyous thing to look forward to - sitting with the family and talking into the wee hours of the morn as we once did as our tradition.

As an old friend from the days of school on top of the hill said to her sisters ~ Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or that smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still family.

So yes. A wedding may bring me home. A bond of loyalty may make the stay sweet. 

But it would be the blood that runs through our veins that would make me leave with a twinge of sadness.

Pet Shop Bouys

“You were right” I said to LB this morning as we spoke about my final contract. I have come to realize over the weekend that perhaps sometimes in my haste and suicidal need to save the world, I make a horrible judge of characters and situations. And in the end of it all, I gather unnecessary stress and jitters on to myself.

It’s December. And we all know that December is always a bad month for me, to be left to my own devices.

Perhaps I was being selfish in retrospect. Thinking that by playing a superhero of sorts, my own cold winter could be kept at bay.

Now we learn otherwise.

A Few Good Men

A friend of mine is all up in bolts right now as his family court hearing date draws near. It is perhaps a bit of a tough situation to comprehend seeing how my friend is the father parent. 

Traditionally, the physical raising of the child rests on the shoulders of the mother. She is expected to give up whatever she can afford to, to ensure the child is properly taken care of. Yet, traditions are changing. More and more fathers are stepping up to play their role. Doing everything within their powers and abilities to be the best parental figure possible.

I must say, I am somewhat prejudice against this changing tradition. Perhaps, I defend my stand simply because I have known fathers who have been nothing but selfish and irresponsible. And I know I must change my perspective soon enough.

After all, as my circle of friends change, I am presented with an increasingly evident set of dads who are far more capable of taking care of their own than most mums I know. 

And it is in them that hope remains.

These few good men.