Monday, March 19, 2012

Lady Month of Balls

March shall go down in history as the month I spent the most time with my girlfriends. In all forms - from someone who knew me from long ago, to someone I share books with and to someone who is also a client.

You can seek the advice of others, surround yourself with trusted advisors.

I suppose in the face of it all - the aftermath of February - I was seeking ways to justify my thoughts, as well as to keep the new ones at bay. But tonight, I can no longer keep that new dust bunny at bay. It has been gnawing away at my insides that it has unsettled me so much. I can no longer be untrue.

But in the end, the decision is always yours and yours alone.

Like it was recounted to me - Was it all in my head? Did it happen? - I sure would like to think it was only ALL in my head. But no, it was said outloud and it un-nerves me. For you see, all my life, I have always left the ball in someone else's court. And for once, someone is telling me "It's your call".

And when it's time to act and you're all alone with your back against the wall,
I suppose it is MY call - what I wish to do with MY life. Yet, it is not so much the words but the manner in which is was said. And because I do not want the responsibility of having to decide. And because I do not want the responsibility of setting myself up for a fall - I brush it aside and be all uppity-bitchy.  

the only voice that matters is the one in your head.

But all said and done. And all the false bravado aside - I have to ask "What was it all for?" when I could be happier with the thought that while it may not be conventional, it is what it is. And didn't we already knew that from long ago? Hadn't I already make that decision? And so far, hasn't it proven me right?

The one telling you what you already knew.


Perhaps then I should be asking my lady friends a different opinion. Not one of why men will always be boys. But rather, what it takes to stick it through.

The one that's almost always right.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Where is Barbsie?

It is a very bad place that I am in right now. And I know that for a fact simply because I have had to walk back to the car 3 times over the course of the day, forgetting to take my phone with me.

Right now, I cannot help but recall a question an old friend once asked over Facebook ~ What is on Barb's mind. Cos it feels like there is a thousand and one things that is running through it - much like a thought-montage, each one blurring into the other, only to come back again like in a loop.

Another friend tells me I should stop reading and watching depressing materials. Yet, I cannot help but feel - the books I have read and the movies I have watched - in someone else's hands, the outcome would be different, less morbid.

Perhaps it is a series of realisations, without a pause in between. I am overwhelmed. By my own self. Go figure!

Now, I know what they say ~ Acknowledgement is the key to recovery. But hell, how does one recover when the various things one is acknowledging are all contradicting?

For example: Barbsie is stuck in 48 hours in Paris. Not so much the sights, the sounds and definitely not the weather. But the shared conversations just after the lights go off for the night; the mumblings just before sleep takes over. Yet, at the same time, Barbsie knows that close proximity is not something she is ready for right now. That sharing living quarters, scheduling plans in between plans is going to be too much for her pea-sized brain and her egg-shell consciousness.

Or how Barbsie feels that life is too short to let her head rule her life. That there are many things that she over-thinks when it should be one of those things in life that she should just Nike-it. Yet, Barbsie knows that jumping the gun is not always the best solution. That it only leads to a lot of "Oh good grief! I did not just do / say that!"

So yes, Barbsie is lost. In her own head. To the point that she feels she has lost her words.

Perhaps, it is time for less thinking on one's own and time for more talking. About the things that really matter.