Finding Salt

"A grain of salt, without its saltiness, is just another grain of mineral," said my wise man of the decade. 

So here I am, at the desk, some four hours before the old calendar gets thrown out and replaced with a brand new one. For a year where I had hardly written anything, the pressure of doing the 2010 capping blog is intense. Yet, some 10 days ago, the title for this closing reflection was already decided. So it really shouldn't be all that difficult, right? Or should it be even tougher?

Salt ~ noun :  

1. A crystalline compound, sodium chloride, occurring as a mineral, a constituent of seawater.
2. A product formed by the neutralization of an acid by a base.
3. An element that gives liveliness, piquancy, or pungency.

In the last day or so, I have been trying very hard to recall what transpired this year. A momentous 365 days, no doubt about it. Yet, nothing really significant comes to mind when it is called. A strange occurrence indeed, except that it is not when I really sit down and think about the whys and the how-could-this-be.

I have been so wrapped up and warped by fears and trepidations that it had pushed everything else aside. Have I really lived in 2010? Or did I let the better part of it pass me by?

Life is all about experiencing. And I did not do much of it the earlier part of the year. But as we flip another page, open another chapter, I am grateful and glad that I was awaken from it soon enough to be able to still savour what was left of it.

 

And that is what I want to remember today, the last day of the the year 2010: all the lessons I have learnt this year. Yes - the lessons, not the accomplishments. 

For it is the lessons that will see me through the rest of the days and years to come. For it is the lessons that will shape me to be a better person. And I could not have acquired such knowledge if not for the guiding hands of the Almighty and the persons He put in my path.

As I googled the definition of salt, I could not be more blown away to see one of its scientific definitions come up as a product formed by the neutralization of an acid by a base. As Paulo Coelho writes in his closing blog for the year - Stop being who you were, and change into who you are. It could not be more apt as I look forward to the future.

And it is a future that shines bright, with some possibilities of bad thunderstorms along the way. But I am ready to weather it through, even if I come out of it slightly less intact than before. Because I am reminded yet again, that it is the experience of it that is of most important. And not what I am left with (or without) at the end of the journey.

If I had to write a resolution for next year tonight, it would be to always find salt. For wasn't it also said, "So be like salt: stay true to who you are!" 

Happy New Year 2011 one and all.... I hope your year has been as fruitful and rewarding as mine has been. If you had to suffer some form of hardship, feel some heartache, sit through some very dark nights - I hope you'll be able to see it like I do. If you had nothing but endless days of joys, I wish you the same for the days to come and that you'll wake up each day thanking the heavens for your continuous blessing. And that you also start the day thanking the heavens for the blessing of the day itself. 

As the LegalBeagle rightfully said it earlier: Did you realise nothing is really ending? We'll see you tomorrow!

Author's Note:

I am thankful for each and every day that you have filled my days with. Yes, it is not perfect but it is simple enough for me to see it as it is, and appreciate it for what it is. 

Starts, Finishes and the Bit in Between

The end of the year is already upon us ~ where did the time go? It feels as if so much had taken place in 2010, yet it feels so unimportant.But 2010 was an important year, not just in a specific milestone but in so many other milestones that weren't marked down.

How do I end this year with a blog worthy of all that has happened in between? How do I put words down to a period of growth and learning that I never thought possible before? Even now, as I try to start reflecting, I cannot pin down one major theme of the year to anchor my thoughts to.

There was a song that one of my yoga instructors played towards the end of our session. And the words go something like this - "I am stand here before you, covered in gratefulness."

And that's all I can think about... perhaps that should be it...

Roundabout

Here's another reason why: you go this roundabout way to tell me something, without quite saying it out loud in plain a-b-c.

Maybe one day i'll figure why is it that you do that.

And ok - shoe thrown.

Coincidence or Timing

I've just finished my new read. And the last few chapters were not quite how I expected them to be.

And while there are possibly many more nights to go in digesting it, one  thing is for sure: God speaks to us in the manner in which he knows us best able to receive.

For the whole year, my reading  list has been as strange as snow in May. But in this A-ha moment it has dawned on me that it has quite possibly been leading up to this book; training my mind to be  receptive to the obvious.

I want to be free.

I want to be free of the feelings of inadequity that I carry around me like an invisible  cloak. I want to be free of the anger rushes that creep up on me at every available opportunity.

I want to be free.

I will be freed.

I am free. Thank God for that.

I.Am.Free.

Piles

After an evening of running around, falling down on my bum and all that jazz, it dawned on me that I really could have been spared all that if ONLY a decision was taken much earlier, like when the suggestion came out.

Spilled laksa gravy and sore tailbone aside, it was this thought, and what is quite possibly the deeper unspoken thought behind it that kept up awake till 3 this morning, wishing deep down in my gut that I could pull said persons right up to my face, slap them really hard and then tell them to get the fish out of my life.

But 12 hours on, I realise that I really can't do that. Sure you can if these people are your friends. But when they are family, that's a whole different kettle of fish altogether!

Why do I have this run-around in my head year in, year out at this time, that no matter how hard I try, nothing I ever do would stand up in the eyes of the family? This year it's come early (no close proximity required) cos truth be told, if my brother was not going to go back to our hometown, next week's reunion would not be happening. The folks would have voted me down and head on home.

Perhaps it's just me and it's all just in my cobblestone-paved brain, but it sure as hell hurts to see the reflection as it is. And to recall the years I've spent Christmas and Chinese New Year by myself, and nobody gave two hoots.

Two hoots. Two simple words that seem to say so little yet so much. And it's so painful to put this all down. But I know I have to if I was to exorcise this demon that has come and reside in my mind, my subconscious - yes, angry dreams and all! And I want to get it down before I get on that plane that takes me home. Cos for this going-home was never for me to begin with. And so it should not transform to be some shouting match (recall last year) that makes it become all about me.

"Her dad's advice came back to mind, "Make a list - make two lists," he would say. "Start with the positives and end with the negatives; bundle the crap into a pile and let it go where it belongs. Cut your ties Eve - if it doesn't serve you, ditch it"

It is as if by falling down, landing on my bum had shaken loose some lodged chip in my shoulder, telling me that once and for all, to let it go. Cos even now, as I fumed, fretted and teared, tossed, turned and moped - life goes on for the individuals I deem involved in this fiasco. And really, even if they knew something was up in the wind - it really wouldn't be as if today would be any different.

Maybe if I hear it enough times, then go run it out again after work, head on home and write my piles, I may really be able to say these words and mean every single one of them...

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

Excerpt of text in bold italics is taken from the book Dressing for God by JF Tallon

Permission to throw

I picked up Paulo Coelho's 'By the River Pieces I sat down and wept' again this evening.

It's a book about what it means to love, to trust, to surrender. But it appears I am merely skimming words tonight, even tho I'm a firm believer that books mirror what you think / feel.

Why do I say that? Cos I just went and asked what now seems to be an idiotic question. And the reply that followed may well have been a flying shoe.

What is it gonna take before I can believe what I cannot see?! Or rather what I cannot show...

That's twice  now and I know there cannot be a third. Even he can take only so much distrust. And we all know that the solution to quell that lies not in  what he can do. No one can give me what I cannot give myself.

And that right now feels downright shitty.

Simple Complexity

Here's something that I only really said out-loud to 2 persons during my vacation: I think I've been lied to.

It puzzled me. Why would you think that you needed to 1) provide an explanation as to why it went the way it did and 2) that whatever it was, if you felt I needed to know, had to be a lie.

It hurt me. That you could possibly be caught up in something that you thought would hurt me, if I knew. And we all know that could very well be only one thing.

It pleased me. That you considered my feelings well enough to spare me from any hurt.

None of that makes sense. And yes, it never does when one speculates. I wore myself out every single day during the vacation so that my body is so tired, I fall instantly asleep when I hit the pillow. So that my thoughts will not spiral out of control, as it always does. And when those failed, the words "I caught him in a lie" came tumbling out.

I could have spared myself all that unnecessary wonder and pain if I only had the guts to keep things simple earlier. Much earlier. The phrase "sooner rather than later" comes to mind, followed by "better late than never."

There is much truth in what was quoted ~ Complexity exists only in Simplicity. In trying to remain simple, things can get so damn complicated as well. The trick is to keep the goal in mind. Finding the right balance. And when you do, the results will be surprising. I promise you that. 

For all the sentiments that followed, only one can now stand firm - with some changes.

I wasn't lied to. So simple.

Surroundings

One of my fave original sayings is that common is as common can be. It is shaped by your surroundings and your environment. The people you use to form that fence around you.

Right now, my common is to go the way of single-tons. Yes, in the last 7 days, I have heard of nothing but good friends deciding to call it a day in their fairy-tale relationship. And mind you, it's them doing the dumping.

Is this the way things are going to go? It weighs heavy on my sleep-deprived mind this evening, as I sit here and type away, instead of chopping garlic, frying bacon and cooking pasta.

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there

Vacay

I took my kids and folks down to Singapore for a quickie vacation.

These close family time tends to get to me cos it reminds me that time is a darn fluid thing. The hairs get whiter, the lines of thoughts get blurrer.

It is something beyond my control - I realise that now. The best I can do is make the most of it and just go with the flow - their flow.

I'm glad I see it now, sooner and not later.

All For...

At the end of the day, everything I do is only for...

Lydia & Luke
November 2010

Stick to Ya Guns

This email came in this morning as I was huffing and puffing away at 8 miles per hour on the treadmill:

"Sorry for not updating you as much as I've been busy with Adam and work. Adam has turned 1 yesterday. I felt like it has only been 4 or 5 months since the day I give birth to Adam. But doesn't mean everything went smooth sailing. There are those hard times that left me tensed and  depressed but I'm trying my best to do the best for Adam."

I do not know the sender, don't even know her name. Her paths and mine crossed almost 2 years ago when she sent out a cry for help on some web forum somewhere. For the life of me, I cannot recall if it was sheer busy-body-ness that made me sent her a mail in reply but reading her email this morning, made me glad that I did write her back.

Hers is a story that is not mine to tell. But it is old an age-old trend. Despite what a lot of folks told her, she made the decision and stuck to it. How she did it - honestly don't ask me. I mean, till today, her family does not know of this child and they lived with her through her pregnancy.

I am not pro-life nor am I pro-choice. It's not that I have no sentiment on this matter - I just don't think being pro-something is the way to go - not everyone's station in life and tenacity is the same. So you really cannot go hanging a stand and make everyone fit to it.

Life may not be easy for this girl, and perhaps even this child and only time will tell. But she made a conscious decision way back then and she rode it out. And something tells me that she will continue to ride it out, always.

And that is what it means to stick to your guns.

Of Buns

Friday night was a bit of a surreal thing. Got a call from someone I would call now an acquaintance - one of those folks you used to say is your friend but then found that it wasn't really a balanced act and so relinquished the status and life was so much better after. (Dreadful thing to say about people, but it is the truth!)

Sadly, I'm not able to say now that this lil bit of "catch-up" was all that catch-ups are made out to be. In fact, days after, I'm still slightly disappointed.

Perhaps it's just me - my line of thought that if you left people be, they'd go about their own way and eventually find wisdom and grow up.

Perhaps some folks just aren't meant to do any growing up at all, no matter how they are pushed and plodded on.

But to give said person credit, he has guts (well, come to think of it, he's always had blind guts!) to take the stand he took. Callous as it may be, I have but to agree with him, just this once. Buns are never a good enough reason to wise up and be a man.

I can only hope, that somewhere out there, someone else is waking up and realising the same thing.

It's not an easy journey to walk - deciding to open your own bakery and be the baker, the commis and the sales person tending the storefront. If I had my way, I wouldn't want to do it all over again, on my own. But honestly, sometimes it is the only way to go, especially if the potential co-owner is one that you know will run off with the week's worth of buttermilk somewhere down the line.

It hurts now, for sure. But trust me on this - this too shall pass.

Valve Failure

I'm sitting here, waiting for dawn to come. And it's not even 10 pm.

Every pressurized system needs a relief valve.
There has to be a way to reduce the stress, the tension,
before it becomes too much to bare.

I've been hitting the gym or working out Every.Single.Day. Not cos I have a lil black dress to fit into for Christmas or the New Years. I'm much fitter now compared to 6 months before, granted. But that was not the real aim.

There has to be a way to find relief because if the pressure doesn't find a way out,
it will make one. It will explode. 

It's only the middle of the month, and my mind is already 2 weeks ahead to pay day, 3 months ahead to the application date, 6 months ahead to applications acceptance time, 9 months ahead to when results come out.

It's the pressure we put on ourselves that's the hardest to bare.
The pressure to be better then we already are. 

I've spent the better part of the last 6 weeks, running from one government office to another. Reviewing one write up to another. Throwing up one copy after the other. I have yet to strike one clean relationship with a potential customer!

The pressure to be better than we think we can be.

It's worrying me cos in my line of business, it's all about relationship (incidentally, I just took a stupid quiz that told me I'm 100% not-chinese - so much for Quan Xi!) and I have yet to build any with next year's customers.

It's my perfect nightmare. To want to be the employee yet being caught being the employer. To want to be the runner, the salesperson, yet caught being the one having to review every single fine print.

It never ever lets up.
It just builds and builds and builds.

And so I cannot wait for morning to come. So that I can go into the gym bright and early, to kill myself again lifting heavier, pushing harder and running faster. Just so that in the midst of feeling as if I have lost control, I remain in control.

A Can Of...

So it's been a while since I last found the words to put down in writing. Not that anything has been happening any ole ways.

I suppose what's spurring me on to do some wordly deposits tonight, is finding a friend's blog closed off to me. Hi-how surprise! Surprise! But then again, should I really be?

I told Ben last night, that it has been feeling as if I'm carting around baggage that do not belong to me. And how I've been trying to work it out in my puny pea-sized brain if it was me. Cos no matter how I've been turning it around, the only common factor that I could see in each scenario that irks me, is ME. And if it's really ME, then I have no right to come out and throw open the cover to my lil can of worms. 

It's sad cos his reply makes so much sense - friendship and relationships should never be compared to a can of worms. But Cindy Lauper sings True Colours in the background, I cannot help but not be able to finish the line that goes "I see your true colours, that's why I ..." 

The LegalBeagle once told me not to hang a category over our friendship. "Labels only brings about expectations!" I should have listened to that old boy and applied it categorically across the board for everyone.

Then maybe having to occasionally play Charlie Chaplin or constantly being "reprimanded" for not hanging out anymore won't bug me so much. Then maybe I can put aside the lil barbs as just plain stupid whimsical utterances, and not sit and wonder "Why do you have to go and say stuff like that?!"

And while, my gender, is famous for being the gender who speaks their hearts - somewhere along the way, this girl forgot how to go about it.

And so it's now a bulging can of worms. My lil can. With something in it for everyone I know. And I don't know how to throw the can out over the edge for the waves to carry it far, far away. Nor do I know how to slowly pull out on, hang it on a hook and use it as bait.

Life is a funny old thing. Sometimes we hang on to things, people, relationships when it has really gone past its use-by date.

What do you then do?

Beatle Bugs

I have always like to think of myself as having grown, becoming open to the differing opinions, paradigms, perspectives and values.

Perhaps I've been ambitious in my thought. Perhaps I've taken a wrong line of acceptance - isn't it that when you accept you do not question the whys, the hows, the whos and the what? 

I am bugged and bummed out. Cos when it comes down to certain matters and state of affairs (no pun intended here!), there are some lines I cannot cross, try as I may to be accepting. And it was with that that I had to tell a friend that from henceforth, there is one area which I will NOT go there with. That for one part of his journey called His Life, he walks the rest of the way, without me. 

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?

I'm bugged cos this is the same friend that I had said - anytime, anything just call and I'll be there, in the next barstool. I feel as if I'm bailing out on him. Yet, I've tried and tried till I'm turning blue in my unseen face. And I have to admit defeat. 

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

I'm bummed cos everyone else in the same circle seems to take it in their stride, this on-going saga. And it has left me wondering if I may have inadvertently hoodwinked myself into thinking that one day, one wedding and numerous online chats later, a strong bond of friendship has blossomed. Blossomed to the point that I think I know said person well, when in fact, I know them not at all. And the who I thought I knew, I placed on some angelic pedestal. And now he lies in a heap of broken marble on my floor.

Tis sad. Tis heartbreaking.

But this is not a case of asking one to choose. There is nothing to choose. And we're not 8 year olds in the school yard, having a recess time disagreement. 

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends.

While saying I'm sorry may not mean very much here and now, I will still say it nonetheless. Cos that's just who and how I am.

So as I crawl away like a beetle bug, I'm sorry mate. You've sung way out of tune and it's jarring my ears.
 

Timing and The Bit on The Side

When I sat down and wrote about Raphael Selbourne this morning and his book, I didn't think that at the end of the day, it would come back and hit me in the face.

But it only goes to show that in the list of many "perhaps" - there lies the reason shrouded in a puff of smoke that we often use as a screen. And because I don't think YOU heard me the first time round, I'm saying it here again - FOR YOUR BENEFIT:

The key to freedom lies within each and everyone of us. It is a conscious decision to choose and accept the consequences of the path we take.

Enough with the skirting, the excuses and whatever else you wanna hide behind. I cannot call myself your friend (let's not even add the 'b' and the 'f' if I didn't start throwing my shoes at you in quick succession:

Grow some bloody Cojones!

And in case you're wondering: Yes I am pissed at you and with you! Lie to everyone else if that pleases you. But the minute you start lying to US - don't expect us not to be upset with ya!

Free

I've just finished reading Beauty by Raphael Selbourne. It is a book that has made me sit up on my bed, in the middle of the night, with its message.

It is an old one, yet seems to be one lesson that refuses to stick in our heads for some strange reason.

Perhaps it's because we're not subjected to an extreme opposite end of it. Perhaps we're not truly in a state of forced oppression that we fail to remember.

The key to freedom lies within each and everyone of us. It is a conscious decision to choose and accept the consequences of the path we take.

I suppose, living in our democratic world, we do have the freedom to choose and make our own decisions. I also suppose it's the 2nd half of this two-step that many of us fall and fumble with. And while some may choose to hide behind the "why do I need to justify myself to you?" mode - in part, perhaps, it's because we cannot justify it to our own true self.

In this case then, it sure is nice to be a literary figure - your life starts and ends only on paper. And once set in type and print, there is no justification needed.

Coming Of

I really should have written something, anything, last Friday. But things were just so crazy that to scribble anything without much thought, would have been blasphemous.

So yes.... I am now a business owner. I clock my own time, I determine my own direction, I sit in the biggest chair in the office. But really - what does it all mean? There must be something about it that I am missing in the midst of all the felicitations that I've been receiving. Yet, I do not see it.

All I see is endless days of worrying, especially around the payment dates. Sleepless nights of wondering - am I doing the right thing, the best thing for the campaign. Headless days of running around errands that never before crossed my path.

I suppose, after much thought, the point I am missing is not physical or material. It is a mental state - the shifting of paradigm that goes on unexplained. And there are no marks to indicate that changes have happened, had happened. No tangible that one can see in the second it happens.

In the olden days, they would say it is a coming of age, this subtle change. A cross-over point from one stage of life to another day. And because I believe that all cross-overs must have some demarcation, because I am like a cow with a short-term memory, I must mark it.

And mark it I did. Not so much for myself but for the people who stood by my through it all.

So instead of a COACH bag that I've had my eye on for the longest time, I've traded it in for a set of dining chairs, a series of bookshelves and a brand new sofa for the living room of my parents' house.

And it's not because I now have a little more disposable income. But because I've come of age.

I'm an adult now. You can have kids, you can drive your own car.  But truly, nothing hits you harder about that fact than you're responsible for people who are not related to you by blood or social ties.

I'll have to say it again - I'm an adult now.

Close Your Eyes

It is a rare occasion that I'm at a loss for words. But yet, we all know, somehow, sometimes, the situation is so overwhelming, all the words in all the books you've ever read will not come to mind.

Part of me wants so badly to transcribe what was written and have it lodged here. But an even bigger part of me just wants to savour it quietly as the rain falls outside.

Grand gestures used to be the yardstick, the measure. But as one grows older, one realises that it is all the lil things that should be the measure.

And so as the clock winds down to T-3, this is all I can say:

Close your eyes and see my blue skies breaking
through these dark clouds
You are the light
In my mind I see your red (cap) and my arms are reaching
through the night
I'll never give up the fight
I'll go the distance

Thanks babe! Love ya!

Savour

I went and busted my elbow, trying to protect 4 packets of Walker's crisps from being crushed by this gigantic weight I'm currently carrying. And the whole time as I sat in the emergency room, waiting to know if it was severely busted or merely causing me intense and acute pain for the day, the only thought that ran through my head was - I cannot be with a useless right hand for the days ahead!

In my last post, I wrote about how next Friday would be just another day. But as I opened my enveloped left by the my predecessor, I read the lines and realised that Yes it may just be another day, but it is still a milestone day.

Savour - to relish or enjoy.

Perhaps a day may be too long to savour. Perhaps an hour or two would be decently and gracefully sufficient.

I know it is unChristian-like to say that maybe I'd buy myself a new suit to wear. But heck, that is what I will do. If not for anything else, it is just to tell myself, my days of having to mend and re-mend a torn seam, is just about over.

Call me vain. Call me materialistic. Call me anything you want just because a new suit would make my day. I really don't care and you wouldn't either. When you know that every piece of clothing in my closet right now, has either been there 1) for the last decade or 2) a hand-me-down from my bff.

I will savour this day and I will savour it my way. In my soon-to-be new black pin-striped suit :=)

Just Another Race

The checkered flag is raised and finishing line is just up ahead.

It has been a long and arduous journey. 2 years, 2 months and 20-something days. Lots of ups. Lots of downs. Lots of occasions and opportunities to throw my hands up in the air and scream "I quit!" 

I'm glad I stuck to it. As I told the young ladies who came yesterday to inquire - "Figure if this is really what you wanna do. Cos it's not the time and money spent that will be wasted. But the blow to yourself that you have failed that would be the biggest loss if you turn away."

But here's the thing that I also remembered a few seconds later - another phrase that I always tell the students - "This is just the beginning."

I'm nervy. But I'm also trying to realign my expectations. 1st October is going to come and I will wake up and find that it is just another day. Nothing's changed very much outwardly. And that I'm gonna have to be ready for.

It's just the end and only the beginning.

The Only Difference

in·dif·fer·ent

• marked by impartiality
• That does not matter one way or the other

Someone remarked that the only difference between us was our indifferences. Some things that I choose to take a stand over, he doesn't. Some things that he chooses to take a stand over, I have no particular opinion.

In many ways, we are as different as night and day. Yet in many ways, we could be two peas in the same pod. If I focussed on our differences, it would drive me crazy. If I focussed on our similarities, it would drive him crazy.

But I guess my question then is this: do I even need to focus on one or the other?

Perhaps I should just appreciate the fact that my differences and indifference are taken as they are. And I would do well to do more of the same.

Shame on Me

Someone told me that he is on a mission to discover himself. I could have said "well done you," or "how can I help?" or even just give a simple nod of head that says "I hear ya!" But I did none of the above. 

Instead, I became needlessly mean and vicious. Venomous to an extent even. And it’s uncalled for. Totally and thoroughly.

And while I may take some pride in knowing that I can realise all this because I know myself. It also comes with some amount of disappointment because the pattern of behaviour is slowly coming to light.

I am pushing the self-destruct button. Again.

I can say ‘old habits die hard’ but truly – this is not a habit to inculcate or even hold remotely close. And I’m disappointed with myself.

I’ll go sit in a corner and repent for a mo. Wake me up when September ends….

Passerà

My best friend Mandy is going off to Europe next week for a holiday. Funnily enough, I have been covering my tracks since her itinerary was drawn up, making sure no opportunities for drama can occur. Yes - recall the last time she went on holiday in February of last year, innocently thinking that all will be fine and well while she's away. Only to come home to a right mess of a best pal.

And that's how unhappiness is: it doesn't really come without a warning. It brews but you ignore. It screams but you shut it down. Until it comes right at you, and catches you in what you think is a state of unawares. But hell, you can't really blame it when you've been living in a state of denial.

It used to be easy to know how to tell when someone you're close to is unhappy. They'll cry, they'll sulk. Some may even skunk around a little bit. But as we grow older, we shut these reactions down. Perhaps it's cos we've sang the song "Pack all your troubles in your old knit bag and smile, smile, smile" too many times it manifests itself as actions.

Which is why one of the phrases I am always telling my best mates is this : No matter what you do, I'm the one you call when you need someone to come get you off this end of the bar. Cos at the end of the day, when you're swallowed up whole by that big bad emotion, there really isn't any place for the 3Rs - Recrimination, Reprimand and Rebuke.

And whether you're the cause of it, a party to it or an innocent collateral damage - there's really nothing much else to do except breathe. 

Passerà - it will pass.

Tradition and Change

It has been a tradition of mine, to take time out and reflect just before I supposedly become a year wiser. And in my reflection, it has always been asking my parents if I have made them proud.

Perhaps I have always carried this chip on my shoulder. And in the last couple of years, I have deluded myself into thinking the chip away. Alas, delusions are what they are - a mirage that you will yourself to have fixated in your head. All it takes is a strong gusty wind to come and clear the fog away. And what you see, is not what you want to see. What you feel is not what you wished you felt.

I am quite done asking that question this year. Year in, year out - the answer remains the same. Year in, year out - I have chosen not to acknowledge that it is the WRONG question to be asking.

For I know now, pride has no place in this unbalanced equation. How can there be pride when there is hardly any existence?! Or acceptance?!

So this year, tradition changes. I will cease to ask. I will cease to work towards achieving the answer that I had hoped for. I will cease to ask the question.

I will cease.

Perhaps when I cease, it will hurt less, or not at all, the crystal clear fact that you allow me to be insulted and leave me standing out in the rain, to bear the insult by myself. Telling me in not so many words that I am not worth defending. That the fact that it is your blood that runs through my veins, doesn't matter. 

Perhaps when I cease, I will be able to tolerate my rightful place in the history of our culture. That I am worthless, a negative number in your books - regardless of what else the rest of the world thinks of me and what I can do.

Yes, I shall cease.

Crappers

I would like, for now, to know someone with a vacation home somewhere far, far away, indeed of some major long-term house-sitting.

What was suppose to be a time of joy, quiet anticipation, jubilation and celebration is now a time worse than sitting shiva.

As I told Mandy - I feel like I'm just surrounded by folks, waiting in line with a knife, dagger, machete.. waiting for their turn to have a right-go at me.

I am exhausted. Exhausted to the point that I have nothing more to give.

Exhausted to the point that if the only surprise on Saturday morning was that my life was only 34 years and 364 days long - I would gladly go YEAY.

This and That

I've been thinking all day (and all night) how to make sense of all this. Of the fact that for a good hour, you talked and I did not even want to look at you (though some may say "Well Done Barbsie!") Of how I was on the verge of walking to the door, opening it and saying "Please leave and don't ever come back!" Of how I waited and waited and waited for the stabbing pain right in the pit of your tummy to hit, and it never did.

I was told last night that my BFFs were not Mandy and Alex. But trust and commitment, with disappointment and risk trailing behind. And how we're gonna work through them, one at a time but eventually we're gonna returned me whole and healed.

I laugh now as I recall that. I laugh still at how you disregard my warning - many have come before you and tried and they have walked away, failed.

Oh dear God. How did I come a full circle? Right back where we left off - where we worked so hard to stay away from. Do we say then now that nothing's changed? Do we say we've tried, and it didn't work and perhaps this is rightfully where we're meant to be?

So many questions in my head, and yours. So many said out-loud in the open, in the still of the night. With it, so many answers I am trying to squash in my head - silence them back into the deep dark recesses of my mind.

Yet, try as I may, there's one that just won't. And not because it's the one that I need to hear, dark and twisted that I am right now. But it's the one that I'm gonna put down and lock forever in my virtual metal box. Cos it's the only one that's gonna keep screaming louder and louder and louder until I break it down. And this one - I do not want to break down.

You're still here cos you chose to.

If only I can believe it myself.

Branches

I'm not great at remembering facts and details of history. But I believe way back then, before the days of advertisement and all, the way of getting new business was to do your existing one as best as you can, so that the experience would create publicity for you. Of course, with the evolution of learning and marketing, it's now given a nice name of word-of-mouth marketing or the acronym WOMBAT.

As I go into the last mile of this journey (27 working days to go!!), I am taking a moment to reflect, the positioning of the business and how we can create additional value.

I am thankful that it has given me glimpses over the last 48 hours, to remind me of the value-chain that once existed purely only in my head. And what has happened in the last 48 hours? Nothing very much save for:

1. A potential that I did not manage to convert, now seeking Irish business partners in his field
2. A new customer passing on a new lead to follow up

Ben said the other day that we may educated in the Western world and operate in the Western world, but we'd do far better if we incorporated some of the principles of business that the Eastern world inculcates.

And yes, I'd like to think that this is what I am doing, we are doing. And what we will continue to do.

Even if it means I work a full day, across 2 different timezones, just to nurture and water this tree as its branches sprout.

Every Breath

I told mum yesterday evening that one of the things that I will do if I go a nice bonus this year was to change her living room.

The house they live in is in dire need of a sprucing. The walls needs painting (which perhaps we may put off until the youngest comes goes past the crayon-hand-wall stage), the furniture needs changing (the sofa is so sunken it's no longer comfy for my cat-nap) and the walls needs expanding (seriously?! a 20x60 feet house is not meant to hold 4 adults and 6 children). Let's not even go into the dining table that has legs that moves on its own - not hocus-pocus here. Just wee humans pushing the table to get off their chairs and not the other way around.

I have often sat on one of those sunken seats and ID-ed the place in my head. And it's nothing fancy really. A L-shaped sofa so that when folks come round to speak to dad, there's a proper setting to talk in. Some shelving with pull-out containers for the children's toys. A tall shelve with doors so hold mum's cookbooks and the odd bottle of brandy (which is used for the Christmas cake, not for my consumption!). My electone with its broken keys and pedals would have to go and so does the musking-tape patch work cabinet.

It doesn't sound like many items but yet they would amount to some 4-digit receipt. And honestly, if I get a bonus this year (which Ben tells me I should not be hopeful for seeing how things are going - bad divorce, remember?), these things would be right at the top of my list. Not my new mobile phone (yes, a decision has been made on model). Not the oven for my kitchen. Not even a new pair of trainers for my workouts.

I have been to houses of the parents of my friends. And their living rooms screams that life, at this golden era, is all about them. It holds nick-knacks from their travels, it boasts of rosewood furnishings that aren't afraid of pudgy crayon-wielding fingers, it glitters and it shines from the glass cabinets and such.

Mum says it doesn't need to be on my bonus-wishlist. That she's alright with the state things are. And that she knows it will happen with God's blessing. My folks aren't complaining. I know it is a joy for them to see the lil space packed with strewn toys and laughter from their off-springs.

Perhaps I am losing myself - forgetting that to have a living room to call their own, and having it filled with love and family, is more important that Wedgewood china displays.

I suppose then every breath we draw, every second of everyday is a already a blessing, eh?

Forgotten and Blurred

Yesterday marked the final 2 months of this long and winding road that I have been on. I must admit - off-late, it had become to feel more like a walk with a stubborn mule, than a stroll towards the end of this rainbow.

I have ceased looking forward to 1st October with any joy or excitement. I could not muster the buzz than Ben felt and still feels. It had come to a point of thinking that it was a bargain that I had struck with the Devil (though I think that if that was the case, it wouldn't be this difficult a journey!)

As I sit here and force myself to acknowledge the ugly truth before I go to work, I am trying to remember words I wrote 2 years ago, when it was just pain and frustration. I am forcing myself to reconcile to the fact(s) that I had definitely lost sight of what is good and real.

I had let arrogance, greed and envy (AGE) overcome me and those are not the list of things that I want to be counting as my traits. As a person. As a Christian. As one who follows the path that was written even before I was born.

I had let the feeling of smallness of parking my lil WiNK mobile alongside the Beamers, the Mercs and the SUVs, get to me. I had let the shame of a rented 940 sq ft in the sky hung so heavy on my shoulders it has made me stoop so low I am almost face-to-face with the dirt of the earth. I had let the gluttony of lunching at the best places in my building fill me to the limit, there was no more space left for clarity and humility.

"I have lived out of suitcases and airports, I have power-lunched with head honchos, I have railed and banged my fair share of conference tables and I have signed enough documents. None of them brought me the sense of fulfillment I sought. I am currently doing the ONE thing that I am passionate about. As a wise bread man once said – there is nothing to be envious about when it comes to tones of emails to reply, phone calls to return or mountains of paperwork to tackle. It’s not the amount of time I spend in the office, or the amount of walking I do. Yet each minute I spend at it, might change someone’s future just that little bit. And no amount of frequent flyer miles can bring about that."

I used to pride myself of my ability to walk the mile in someone else's shoes. But in the midst of everything, I had allowed AGE to think that it was my own two hands that brought about these results. I now stand at this journey marker, humble and contrite, and say that I am wrong to have thought so. And I apologise.

I may have had a long arduous climb towards getting here, but the truth is this: I did not do it by myself. All these that has happened before me, and all that will happen from here on out - it is given to me indeed on a silver platter. And again, I apologise.

Two months. Much to do. Much to clear. Much to create. 

But more importantly, much to keep close at heart, mind and soul.

vi·o·late

One of the definitions of the word violate is 'failing to respect someone's peace, privacy or rights' and that about sums up my entire sentiment over the Wink Mobile getting broken ito yesterday evening. 

In my head, I had taken every precaution - I drive a non-descript locally made vehicle, there's no flashy sound system on display, nor shiny sport rims on the tires. It was parked at allocated parking spots by the side of a major road in the neighbourhood, and to top it all off - there was a security guard no more than 50 metres away. I would be running around the tracks, with almost a hundred other folks in the early evening, with the car in plain sight.

Whilst everyone says that it was a good thing that only cash and my mobile (and my thumbdrive) was taken - to be read as my identity card, drivers' license and other cards were not taken, I cannot see it as the silver lining on this dark cloud.

Perhaps I have been brooding (and whining) over my perceived 'violation of space' with a houseguest on board the week past. Perhaps my claims have been baseless and groundless, I needed to be taught a real lesson as to what 'invasion of property' really meant.

I almost ran to my car this evening after work in a near deserted carpark - something I have never done in the 2 years of working and parking there. And I cannot bear to look at the seat next to mine cos the thought that a total stranger may have rested his bum on it without me even knowing his face, gives me goosebumps.

I have never felt this kind of fear before. And even though Ben says we've gotta evaluate my security policy (actually he said I can't be going around having come mug me painted all over), it does not address the root of my beef.

I am no longer comfortable in my own property, my own car. How on earth does having the ownership of my cards and everything else be a good thing?

In Between

The husband of a former colleague passed away today. I read about it on her Facebook tweet.

It is news that on one hand, doesn't come as a surprise - he was much older than her. And yet on another, saddens me to the depths of my soul. For theirs is a great love story and as I recall her telling me about it, I find my eyes welling up with tears.

In this world, where relationships come and go as quickly as the seasons, it almost makes me wish that he was still alive, frail as he was, just to fulfill my own selfish need, to have evidence that exceptions to the rule of our modern times, still stand.

They made that conscious decision so many decades ago and they made every single day count. In a way I'm glad she met him when she was at the tender age of 20. They had a lovely long run and while they may be relegated to the status of mere memories now, it is a testament that truly, life only has one beginning and one ending. It's the in-between that counts. And mind you - there is just one, albeit a long one.

Which is probably why we're planning for next summer, before this summer has even properly begun. Cos at the end of the day, if the ending comes before the next 11 months are through - at the very least, there was the shared anticipation, excitement and joy.

Rest in peace Jim. And thank you for having given Lini so much joy.

Choices

It's the 2nd weekend of the 7th month of the year. I'd like to think that after 2 years, I have learnt to brace myself for the silence that rings louder than 10 church bells peeling away simultaneously.

There is nothing particularly special for this said weekend of this month, except that it is the time that you steal yourself away from everyone else to go and reflect. Or rather, you call it reflection, I call it self-flagellation. All done under some tree, in some cemetery up north, looking over some small hill.

And one can't help but wonder - how long must it be, before you can actually come to this weekend, without any sense of remorse or regret? Has time not passed sufficiently for you to come to a point of realisation that no - you did not let her down, you're doing alright in her eyes and yes, she will still be proud of you and who you are today?

Many things have changed. And yet, some things remain the same.

The human life is made up of choices.
Yes or no. In or out. Up or down.
And then there are the choices that matter.
Love or hate. To be a hero or to be a coward.
To fight or to give in.
To live. Or die.
Live or die.
That's the important choice.
And it's not always in our hands.

I can tell you this in all the ways I can think of, and using all the words I know. Yet, it will come to nothing if you do not choose to let go of the regret and live in the pride of the joy you had been.

It is the 2nd weekend of the 7th month of the year. It is the weekend where you delayed returning home and hence missed saying goodbye to your mum before she left this world. I hope this year, you only had good things to tell her and that it ended with you telling you're okay and really knowing in your heart that you are.

Intervention

I often wonder, how is it that people would rather live with anger and angst than to speak out or up?

It's a bit of a silly thing to wonder, cos at times, I too am guilty of the same. But if I had any say in it, I'd rather someone put in a bit of intervention, than to let sleeping dogs lie.

Cos at the end of the day, I'd rather go to bed satisfied that a situation has been resolved, than to wake up with a cloud hanging over my head.

But then again, that's just me. And I can't really say the same for what someone else might prefer. Perhaps, there are those who do like waking up with a dark cloud following them around, just so they feel there is something going in their lives.

Plans

One of the grand plans for the time I was to spend away was to start on my book project. Yes, the same project that I've been going on about for the last millenia or so. But hey - the bright side of it was I got on the plan with a file full of notes and thoughts. Only problem I did not factor is was the lack of time ~ last year I had so much time on my hand I ran up a grand on my mobile phone bill!

I hate making plans. Okay - that may not be utterly accurate. I love making plans. I just hate having to carry them out. As it was once said of me - I make everything look so darn good on paper. And of course, I do. It's easy once you set up a grid and meticulously plonk things into them. 

I currently have one new grid running. Hell, who am I kidding?! It's more than a grid. It's pages full of information drawn from countless people, strangers. And it's more than just one file - it's grown so much in size, I had to open a folder for it. And this lil folder is named "Summer 2011" - some 11 months away. And the grand plan of it would be that a certain someone would be coming with me, on my business trip and finishing it with an outing to Paris to celebrate the big 4-0.

It is a "grand" plan simply because for starters - we have never been folks who makes plans. Not to say that we go whichever way the wind blows. He has plans in his head. I have plans in mine. They just never had the chance before to come out and say "Hi! Nice to meet you." So the fact that this one actually got that far ~ I don't need to tell you I do occasionally pinch myself to see if this is real or not.

And here's an example of why I hate executing plans; of how I will somehow get it in my stupid lil pea size brain that it will fail, or not happen at all. On the drive back home last night, I got to thinking - if this doesn't take off, if you do not show up on the appointed time at the airport, do I still go ahead with everything that's planned or do I walk away miserable as hell?!

I know 11 months is a long time, and so many things - expected and unexpected can happen, would probably happen. But for now, I shall simply revel in the fact that me going off 3 days before you, and you coming after - was not part of your plan. 

Like I said - we're not planning folks. But I guess, plans do change afterall.

How Do I Begin..

This visit to Ireland is turning out better than I thought it would be. Perhaps, I am filled with less worries this year round and that has allowed me to soak it all in.

I have done more travelling and experiencing this trip than I have done in a long time. Travelling, whether far or near, has been a series of "going thru the motions" but the last few days, I have seen, tasted, walked and chilled out more than I have.

I know Ben would probably clobber me on the head - all these comparatives, but it is a fact that I must acknowledge.For everything that I have done, I can have photographs to show you, stories to relate and synopsis to provide. YET words and photos would never be able to show you the feeling of "being there" can. And that really is the heart of it.

We all go through so many experiences day in, day out. Some of us may have a habit of recounting it back to the ones who share our lives. And some other don't. I have always through it offensive and excluding - the latter category. But now I realise that sometimes, once the moment's come and gone, the emotions exhausted - there really is nothing left to tell.

And maybe... just maybe... in attempting to encapsulate it in words, mere words, would not do it justice. No, no justice at all.

Perhaps that is why they say - somethings are better left unsaid.

Two chaps basking in the side street of Cork City Sunday morning, playing familiar tunes - but the point of this would be that grey clouds hung overhead, and this pic was caught in a moment when the rest of the town cast grey and gloomy.

Quickie Update

It has been a whirlwind of a trip and I am just finding the time and space to lodge some thoughts that have been flying through my head. It'll have to be short cos I wanna run downstairs (am at a bed and breakfast) and have a last smoke before turning in:

• Sights of tenancity - all over Dublin, Galway and likely Cork city, restaurants are plastering their shop front with promotions that hopefully would fill tables and meet covers. 
• Sights of rebellion - all over the street light shafts, you'll find some call for protest.
• Sights of a time gone past - as the bus zipped past the countryside, a lone cottage stands in the middle of a field. Its owners either died of starvation in the potato famine or immigrated before they died. From the size of it - I'll wager that it was the former and not the later.

That's all that's coming to mind for now. Maybe tomorrow night I'll be able to draw out more!

Trust and Leap

A year ago, I was looking towards going away with trepidation, anxiety and fear. Lots of it. Not only was it for the business that was to take place, but also the maggots in my head.

A year later, my step is light and my heart is afloat. The stakes are higher this year - every business exchange would be in my own name, for my own future - no one else can be held accountable or responsible. But it is all water under the what-ever. 

It has been a long long long journey to this day. But the end is not even anywhere near. I took my offer letter out last night in the midst of packing, and recalled how then today felt so far away.

If I have learnt anything - ANYTHING at all - in these past 2 years, it is that patience pays. Motivation helps. And a silent smile does so much more than a thousand pats on the back.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap! 

And we'll trust that whatever is in the lil green bag, would be enough to catch my fall.

My Day

I'm taking Lydia and Luke to watch Toy Story 3 this weekend, before they head back to school and I off to Ireland.

It's not really an expense that I can do with, with the trip coming up and all that. But yet, I thought to myself - it's Father's Day weekend. And while other kids are probably making cards and such for their daddies, my two would be slightly at a loss (especially with Sunday being a Sunday school day!).

So we'll celebrate Father's Day our own way - a day for the 3 of us.

Priceless

They say the best things in life are free ~ and the last two days have proved exactly that. While it may not have come without its own dollar amount, as I put aside the various entrance tickets for the eventual scrape book ~ the priceless item of the family's first "holiday" is really the quiet moments of one-ness, unity and family-union.

I may be a grand down. My feet may disown me once again. My body might retaliate by refusing to move without protest. It was all worth it!

Months of planning, keeping cool and calm when well-intent protests came up from the folks ~ The Highlands Adventure has come and gone.

And I'm thinking - Doggone it! It was something I should have done a long time ago (cos seriously, the savings from the many bottles of alcohol would have more than paid for it!) - but I'm glad that I still had the chance too.

Barbsie is off to bed tonight a very happy camper!

Gains

 “Would you still be here, if there wasn’t the business?” the words finally came out of my mouth, after some 3 hours and 2 years of trying to find the correct tone, the correct words, the correct moment.

The skin is the largest organ in the body - it protects us.
Holds us together.
Literally lets us know what we are feeling.
The skin can be soft and vulnerable.
Highly sensitive, easy to break.

One of my saddest memories is that of a woman I’ve only recently seen in person, telling me how I was supposed to be the “winning ticket”, the person of influence who would turn her family life around – bring them out of the rags and back into the riches. It is the saddest because the person who told her that, her husband, was also the man I love.

– verb (used with object) 

• to get something desired, esp. as a result of one's efforts
• to acquire as an increase or addition
• to obtain as a profit
• to win in competition
• to win someone to one's own side or point of view
• to reach, esp. by effort

Amanda told me that one time, how she thought that decision of mine was a big mistake. Perhaps she knew how my mind worked more than I do. Perhaps she just knew me. That I would be standing at this question mark, all my life. Perhaps she even hoped that someday I would have the guts to bring it out to the open, hoping that I would have grown in strength to do such a thing, knowing I never did before.

I’ve fumbled through life enough. Been over-indulgent when I shouldn’t have been. Been over-compensating when there was nothing to make amends for in the first instance. Been collecting dust bunnies when I haven’t an inch of space to spare.

– verb (used without object) 

• to improve; make progress; advance
• to get nearer
• to draw away from or farther ahead of the other contestants

We’ve watched enough movies, read enough books to know that there is a fine line that is drawn between celluloid fantasies and daily realities. We can try as we may to reconcile ourselves with the past, and make peace with the present. But we all know that what is accomplished in months of script writing, years of planning and shooting, and mega-millions of dollars in marketing – does not come to real life even with a thousand positive thoughts and many hours of mental strengthening.

We may think that we’ve made progress – we have seen the pits of hell and licked the devil’s cauldron – everything else is bumps and bruises only. And because we want that peace so badly, we cannot let today be the bad day. We cannot say put off saying ‘tomorrow will be a good day’. And what do we get at the end of that day, if we do that?

– noun 

• profit or advantage.
• an increase or advance.
• gains, profits or winnings.
• acquisition.

“I never thought I’d still be here. And even if there wasn’t the business, or if that one ran its course, I would still be here. Cos each time I see you, there is something to be gained.”

No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in there.

What could have been quite possibly the worst answer anyone can give me in that given situation, has in fact, achieved the opposite effect. In another life, it would have possibly driven me to finishing the 3 bottles of whiskey that sits on our lil make-shift bar – though we all know that would have only been the surface of what I can do, and have done.

Open and exposed and feeling way too much.

But it had to be done. And as you exasperatedly declared - it took me so bloody long to come out and ask, because the result could be so otherwise scary. Knowing there is a fifty percent chance that you would prove to be my haunting of my worst nightmare. Knowing that my old adage holds water - if I stay very silent and very still, I can let it pass me by another cycle of the moon.

Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable.

Everybody uses everybody at some point in their life, be it for financial, spiritual or emotional gains. Some do it intentionally, some do it without knowing. Yet, all achieve the same result – gaining.

The most important thing that I have gained from this insane yet stable adventure is not the mental and emotional growth. It is not reaching a paradigm shift.

I’ve gained back trust in my life. Trust in myself, and trust in someone else.

Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling.