Friday, December 28, 2007

Capping 2007...

I know.. There’s still some 3 days to go of 2007 and this type of posting should really take place at the very last day of the year. But you know what… there’s so much bad-ju-ju going on, I am hoping that by capping the year off early, I’d be able to put a stop to any more dramas and send the year off in a quiet fashion.

This is a year that really puts the other 31 years before it to shame. And we’ll try to give it the credit it deserves as we go along..

January – Time to say Goodbye

Time to say goodbye
To countries I never saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them
I'll go with you on ships across seas
Which, I know, exist no longer;
It's time to say goodbye

It may only be some 300 days ago, but I honestly cannot remember how I ushered the New Year in. Guess it’s a sign of growing old. But nonetheless, I suppose January should be remembered as the month where I signed my former life at Fairview away and had my fingers, ears and toes crossed for bigger and better things to come with my present job.

February – Wasted Passion

Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you

Ah February – the month of love, hearts, roses and what-have-you-not. It would always be the month where in 28 days, I learnt that passion placed on work is definitely mis-placed passion. For as I slowly tied up any loose ends that needed to be tied up, I realize that 4 years of my life was more or less wasted on a building and someone else’s dream. And that when you turn your back on that dream, it’s akin to taking a scissors and giving the thin thread a snip with more strength than is required.

March – Of Drunken Days and Lousy Leisure

I can't say that I'm not lost and at faultI
can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show you tonight

As I look back on March, I am somewhat amazed at how I could be so foolish and mis-guided at times. Evenings and nights spent in clubs, pubs and anywhere that had the license to serve alcohol. Sure – it’s good at times to eat, drink and be Mary.. but to think that I thought that was all life had to offer – God! What the hell was I thinking?! But hey – if it wasn’t for March, I would never have discovered the Chemical Shooter.

April – Ever Onward

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face it's all wet 'cause my day was rough
So do what you must do to find yourself

April is somewhat of a blur. All I can remember of it would be the lunches I took to having by the park and watching the world go by, the many sleepless night. It was also the birth month of my new blog – the one place I go to, to release everything that lies dormant but raging in my head. God! That was good. Really good!

May – Learning to Breathe

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated,
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles.

Maybe it’s because it’s always bright here in Malaysia, we do not appreciate the full extent of the start of the Spring season. I suppose I will always look back fondly on the month of May where a warm breeze blew my way and God decided that Hey – this girl needs a break from all the crap. Right up to this day, I am still counting my blessings in the small ways that it comes.

June – Mad Hatter

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe…

It was dark.. and it was quiet.. I sat there on my best bud’s porch and broke his flower pot. June, alas, is best committed to the vault of things we’d best not remember, ever. And that’s all we’ll say to that.

July – The Falling

I tried to be someone else,
but nothing seemed to change
I know now this is who I really am inside.

I have a tendency to leave when things go bad inside my head. If I had to really think about, I would say July would be the month of mammoth departures – attempted or otherwise. It was a sad month.. another one of those that I would not to remember.. Too many long hours spent seated on my balcony and talking to the moon… And I still didn’t find myself. But hey – in all that madness, I also attempted to seriously quit smoking and was rather successful for a spell.

August – Making me feel brand new

Maybe I'm amazed at the way
you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

I have never really been big on birthdays – especially my own. But August 2007 made a big difference. If there has to be one day I would choose to remember – it would be the 28th. Best damn birthday of my life ever! And it’s all thanks to one particular individual. Amazed – STILL, I am.

September – World Falling Down

Well maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

Ah – the end of summer.. and boy was it a long wait that was over, with the return of Grey’s Anatomy Season 4. I mean, it was sheer torture – waiting and hanging in mid-air, not knowing what was going to happen after “It’s over… So over.” But yeah… as the month turned, on hindsight, sometimes it’s better not to know. That way, we don’t have to call ourselves Chicken Little.

October – Moments of Truth

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

October was the start of the move of my kids out of the house. From staying out one night a week, they went to coming home one night a week. But the most poignant moment to be remembered of October, would be of the longest email conversation I’ve ever had, and I think anyone would ever have. And then of the world falling down.

November – Devil’s Barrel

And I say one thing each day
Before I lay me down
I thank god for your sweet smile
Although you're not around

I guess when one sucks the gut in and holds their breath for a long time, it’s only a matter of days or moments before they explode. But you know what – when I laid there on my balcony floor, drunk out of my brains, my friends caught me from my fall. And yes - me and Pups close a chapter of our lives together and going our separate ways, somewhat. And that folks – was my November rain.

December – Across the Universe

Let me take you down,
Cos I'm going to Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever

This month seems to be not about me. Almost everyone I know well has taken on BJJ-transference. And while I should be grateful that for once the drama is not all mine, I felt pain in ways that I did not know. Helplessness. Lost. Almost makes one feel as though they have traverse the whole universe and gotten no where fast indeed.

Moving on...

But as we gear up to a brand new year, I cannot help but a bit awed with what 2007 has brought my way. And I have every reason to smile back in memory of it, this time next year. For many a good thing did happen, despite the fact that only a few months out of the year sounded happy. But those moments - it makes all the hell on earth worth putting up with. And it brings to mind this quote from Grey’s (where else!):

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begin?
It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year.
It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us.
Ideally, that gives us hope,
a new way of living and looking at the world,
a way of letting go of old habits, old memories.
What's important is that we never stop believing
we can have a new beginning,
but it's also important to remember that,
amid all the crap,
there are a few things worth holding on to.

And yes – this year has plenty of reasons and a few people that I think are worth holding on to into the New Year.

If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy

So there you go folks – the epic posting of Chemical Shooter. Where if you stick around long enough while going thru the blue sour and bitter crap – the sweet comes rounds again. With just a hint of crazy.

May our ju-jus be all good
And the cocoa cup be always full
Happy 2008 y’all!


Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Blessed I Am

Here's the low down about parenting and Christmas. Apart from losing your identity as a person and becoming "So-and-so's Mummy / Daddy", at Christmas time, you also lose your gifts as they go on to your child instead.

And while there are piles of gifts under the tree awaiting the return of Lydia and Luke to open, I cannot say this year that I was not as blessed as they are. And here's what Mummy got for the year from Santa:
  1. A book entitled A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. This one caught me and everyone else a bit by surprise. 1) It's an author that I nor my circle of friends read. 2) It's a story set in Afghanistan. We turned the book cover inside out, reading each of the reviews written on it but hell, it puzzled us enough to open another bottle of wine. Anyways, having Wiki-ed it, I am not really surprised at the choosing of it. It may not be a Bill Bryson, but it is definitely a book right up my alley in terms of plot and characters. And yes, I would totally enjoy reading it for sure!

  2. 2 t-shirts, one with Captain Yahoo on it and another with a green frog. This one is another one that set me back a little. But that was until I remembered that one-half of the gift givers gave me a gift last year that was his way of saying Break Out of Your Box. So yeah, while I may never own another piece of clothing similar to it, I would wear these 2 on the days when I need that extra boost to break out. And maybe when I run a too-long a delay to doing the laundry. *grin*

  3. Jamie Oliver's latest cook book called Jamie at Home. This one, needless to say is from my Executive Chef Adam and he's a doll for getting it for me. Yes - he knows I'm a Jamie girl and not a Gordon girl. And you know what, I think he's a Jamie boy at heart, having worked with the chap for a spell. Most certainly, this will be one gift where the benefits would be enjoyed by those that I feed.

    And there is one more gift that I would like to write about tonight. As the saying goes - save the best for last, my latest toy is one that came completely by surprise.

  4. Sony Walkman MP3 Player in PINK!

    As I close off the list with music coming from it, I am part embarrassed by it (not cos of the colour) and part awed with it. Embarrassed for what started out as a casual remark in a passing conversation about wanting an iPod for Christmas, which lead to reply remark of my gift being bought and wrapped already, I still finally got a darn MP3 player that's not from one of em rip-off brands. Awed because person who gave this to me thinks me worth the while to go out and get another gift, similar to what I had expressed want of.

And so, while there is more, much more to Christmas than the material nature of the gifts we receive, I am glad that all these people who are a very big part of my life, thought enough of me to have some meaning to what they all wanted me to have.

I may not possess riches untold... I may not have gotten a Tiffany jewelry or a sports car.. But tonight, I know I am rich in ways that many others search all their lives for. I am loved. And that is the most precious gift one could ever ask for.

I once wrote that I envied my former colleague Alwyn for being blessed enough to have a line under the picture of his missus and him on his blog. But tonight, I think I am in a standing good enough to use that line myself here..

Amor, Ergo Sum
I Am Loved, Therefore I Am

And the emotion that those lil words has inspired in me, has more or less saved me from taking a wrong step that I could so easily have stride towards.

So yes... therefore, I am.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas Morn

I sat up in bed not too long ago and did what my friend Donald told me to do - pray to the good Lord.

Even though I do not think Donald had thought a prayer should be all that specific, I decided that it's Christmas morning - one should take the chance.

While it's only been minutes since it was exchanged between God and me, and while I seriously do not harbor any hopes of this one prayer actually coming true (yeah - go on and call me Thomas), I am glad I did what I did.

As odd as it sounds, it's outta my hands now and outta my head as well. And maybe, just maybe, life can go on now the way it should have yorns ago.

Happy Christmas y'all. Here's hoping Santa brought you all the things yer heart had desired.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

My Flipside

I realized this morning over breakfast and a catch up with my girlfriend, that there is a lot that I have kept bottled inside of me. And it only takes the right person and the right moment to unleash it all.

I have been ranting. And Mandy thinks that there have been somethings that I have said, when I shouldn’t have. But the thing is this – I would not be who I am, if I had just kept my mouth shut.

I, I am so unsure
Every minute that waits
Every second that I'm away
From you

I spent the night sitting up on my balcony. The famous balcony where last week I told my dad I spent quite a bit of time on, of which he knew nothing of. That plus the bit of how he knew other people’s daughters more than he did his own, and if only day he would wake up and realize that for a fact.
And love is a way that
Has no rules
Know that I'm loving you
Even if it's a fool that waits in vain

I cannot blame anyone for the way I feel today. And oh trust me – I am feeling down right rotten. I do not want to celebrate the festivities. I do not want to see anyone, be with anyone. If it didn’t look too queer, I would hole myself up at the office from tomorrow, right thru to Boxing Day. Things that I was excited about, I no longer feel any emotions towards. I am empty, devoid of almost every ounce of energy and passion.

Yesterday it hit me
I felt we were slipping away
Say you if you can it's okay
Just like you said way then

I am not angry. I may sound angry, but that would not be the right emotion to describe what it is I feel inside. I mean, I don’t think I would have been sitting in my car at 11 in the morning, crying while listening to U2 play on my stereo at the stop-lights.

Now, my days become long
Okay - I know I'll never feel the same again
So please don't let my lows bring you down
Always know that I need you

I hate change. But more importantly, I hate lies. And I hate the lies that people around me feel they have to tell just to accommodate my non-acceptance of change. It’s an act, that to me, redefines the word “pretence” – brings it to a totally new dimension altogether.

Sometimes I fall
And I feel likeI don't know the way
Say if you can it's okay
Just like you said then

Don’t ask my how I got here. I wished with all my might I knew how. So that I could go back to that point and un-do it all. It's not a rut. A rut is something you can get out of with a bit of help and a bit of alcohol. A rut lasts at most, a few weeks, a couple of months. So this - this is not a rut. This is pure HELL.

Sometimes I fall and I feel like
I don't know the way
Won't you say if you can
It's okay ~ just like you said then

A year ago, life was not a bed of roses but it wasn’t this painful. I was lost but being lost had its benefits. I could go out, get pissed and write it off to being in a phase of life that everyone goes thru. I could do things and wake up the next day being dead to the consequence of it and call it being blasé. It’s when you’re no longer lost with no where to go – that’s when the real pain starts.

I said it before and I’ll say it again now:

Breathing – seriously over-rated.
Seeing – seriously over-valued
Loving somebody – seriously the fastest road to hell on earth.

Seriously - short of moving out of the country, changing my email address and my name, I really do not know what else I can do.

Sham I am

For some strange reason today, I just had a sinking, stinking feeling hit about me. Call it being psychic. Call it a six-sense. I’d just think it’s basic instinct. Your inner self telling you that something bad is gonna happen to you, and your own self-preservation sense kicks in. Unfortunately, it didn’t leave me enough time to run and hide.

Everybody go ~ the party's over
I want to be alone in my head, in my bed tonight
You never show - you must really love her
You think I don't know
But I do, yeah it's true I think over is over

My best friend asked me a question that I could not lie my way out of. And well, try as she may to convince me this time that I am a diamond – well, we pick the worst of battles.

I know where I'm going
I'm tripping I'm sliding around
That's ok ~ at least I'm excited
It wasn't how I planned it
Feet are where I landed
At least I understand it now
My feet are where I landed
Feet are staying on the ground

How could I be so blind?! So damn blind?!

I'm right back where I started
When it comes to wanting you
I can't have what I wanted

I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to get in my car and drive out to the port so I could sit and watch the ships go by.

But I did, I can I was, I am
Only human ~ living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind, if love's a drug
It always is ~ it always was and
Maybe it's the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream
But love was surely made for fools

But you know what – I swear on this day, this moment ~ I.Am.Not.Gonna.Let.THIS.Happen.To.Me- AGAIN!

Never again. This girl is so done picking up pieces of herself.

I’m a great sham, I am. And I'm done lying about it.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Of hollies and buddies

And so, we’re 3 days to Christmas Eve. I cannot put my frame of mind to it and I’m trying to induce the spirit by downloading Christmas songs onto my notebook and have my tree lights turned on from the time I walk in the door, till the time I go to bed.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

I’m trying to figure out why I am so lackluster this year. I mean, this is the only festivity that I observe and celebrate. This is the one occasion where I actually joyfully look forward to attending church service and hearing the bells peel out at a particular point in the ceremonies.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

Everyone at work today was surprised to see me in. Well, considering my leave has been cancelled. And they will be even more surprise to see me in the Monday as well, on Christmas Eve. I really cannot figure out why I cannot find joy to embrace the season.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

I suppose as the hours pass, and I re-ignite the stalled process of buying and wrapping presents, I will find the holly for the jolly. Maybe I need to start drawing up my Cold Supper menu – that might do the trick.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.

Cos at the end of the day, even though my family and kids are not going to be here with me – I’m still gonna be with my best mates. And that shall be the highlight of this year.

Have yourself
A merry little Christmas now..

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

LTB Part Deux

So another year is coming to an end. It seemed like only yesterday that I was drinking 2007 in.

Well I should have told you I sold my soul to an angel
I should have told you this world is not my own
I should have wrapped you ~ wrapped you like a present
I should have gotten to you before you were grown

Where did the time go? Why does it feel like if I closed my eyes barely, I could still remember days from the start of the year – some hundred of days ago? Am I living in a time warp?

I should have whispered in your ear when you were lonely
I should have taken you, taken you by the hand
I should have told you ~ you are worthy
I should have shown you ~ you are a beautiful man

The last few days have been kinda surreal. I do not really wanna pint point my finger to the exact reason why. Some things are best left not thought thru.

I should have told you I would be difficult
I should have shown you the scars on my soul
I should have told you I wanted you to take care of me
Without allowing you any of my control

While the year may have had some really fantastic, out of the world and body experiences, I do know this… it was far too short-lived.

I should have told you I was not good enough for you
I should have whispered I am unkind

I do not want the next year to be like this year ~ A year where I stood on the curb waiting for traffic to come to a standstill before I walked on across the road. The few times that I actually jay-walked, it turned out to be an adventure which left me wanting for more.

I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to save you from myself
I am doing the best that I can
For a beautiful man

And I think I should have more such adventures – carefully chosen of course. And I guess, there’s not better way to start an adventure than here..

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way… this is the way

Some things.. just don’t change. And I'm fine with it. No expectations, nor hope. Just living and regalling in the knowledge that I am breathing. And that's fine.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Pastry Pro

I have no idea what the devil that possessed me the last few days to think that I could bake!

I mean, I've been told that I'm quite the cook *ahem* but to think that those talents extends to baking - I was so wrong! For I've just spent the better part of this evening putting together the bits required for a walnut pie.

I'm sure it'll taste pretty okay - not too sweet, not too rich. But the look itself - now that's gonna be quite the sorry story. Cos moulding pastry - shortcrust pastry - takes real talented fingers. And that is something that I have discovered tonight I do not have.

After all the reassurances that my Exec Chef Adam gave me - the damn thing fell to pieces. So instead of a smooth lid where I could snow in my Snowman stencil - it's like a kid who had a bad case of chicken pox!

So yeah - even though it's now in the borrowed oven for the next 40 minutes, I am quite certain I am gonna chuck it into the bin when the oven goes *ding* It is too ugly to face the light of day. Any one who is daring enough to wanna have a bite, will have to do it with blindfolds on.

I'm just gonna take the easy way out of this one - Pull ranks and get the highly paid Pastry Chef to do the pastry and bake it up for me.

This girl just can't bake to save her soul but hey - at least she's got a darn clean table to show for it *grin*

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Readiness

The house has been cleaned. The tree has been put up. I'm sitting here in my living room, wondering to next week...


I hope the house will be filled with laughter and love this Christmas, with all the people I cherish the most coming by to infuse it with warmth.


The Art of Giving

It's been a relaxing Sunday ~ considering that I have been into 4 shopping malls in the last 24 hours. Yeah - finally got my butt off procrastinating about getting the Christmas present buying done and out of the way.

So far, it's been a pretty good spree ~ getting the things that I think are great gifts, which would be appreciated by the ones receiving them. All but ONE! Yeah - there is one item on the list which has been eluding me.

It's not to say that it's something so unique that it cannot be found. I know what I want and I can see it so clearly in my mind the item. Finding it, is a totally different story altogether. When I'm being this specific about something, I guess one could say it falls into the "utterly unique" category of gift-giving.

So yeah.. 4 malls and 24 hours later, I am still on THE mission. I know person receiving it would probably think I am brow-beating myself about it over nothing. And that I should just get him what he said he needed. I could take the easy way out on this one.. and I am keeping that option open right until Christmas eve. But, I really don't think I should execise that card.

Afterall, it ain't every year that it's the first Christmas gift to be given. And it wouldn't be Barbsie's style to get anything less than.

And so the hunt will continue.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Rock the Boat

I'm tempted. For some strange reason. So tempted to finish off a blog posting that was done yorns ago. Yet to do so would create waves that are unnecessary right now, or even ever.

Yeah - why rock the boat when it's sailing along calm waters?! Afterall, there needn't always be a moral to the story. So long as things are beautiful, that's good enough I suppose.

So this is the way that I ... leave it unchanged.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I Can't Make Ya

I am currently reading this book by Lionel Shriver called The Post-birthday World, where it’s a tale of how one kiss might change a woman’s life, running in a parallel universe sequence. If you’ve watched Gwyneth Paltrow’s movie called Sliding Doors – this is the book version of it.

I’m in the thick of the book right now and it’s another one of those that causes your mind to ponder after you had long put it down, turn down the lights and snuggle deeper into your smelly blankie, waiting for sleep to come.

For Irina, the main character, had everything a woman would want – a good looking chap with a noble and stable job, a career of her own, a pop-corn eating ritual carried out daily, but yet she was not content. And in one of her parallel moment, where she tells her man of 10 years that she was leaving cos they didn’t kiss anymore, the book goes on to say this:

Any images she might have conjured of being beaten about the head or slammed against the wall revealed themselves as the stuff of fantasy, not what she feared but what she craved. Because what he did instead of hit her was far more brutal. He cried.

Yet it did not stop her from running out in the rain to her new man.

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize me

It seems strange. That these thoughts and the one last night, have been stuck in my head. Alongside the one where – What if I hadn’t plucked up the courage last year and walked out? Where would I be right now?

We could all pretend that we’re happy. That we’re content. That the monsters in the closet are nothing but our imagination. Yet sometimes, we know they are utter lies that we tell ourselves, just so we can face our reflection in the mirror in the mornings.

I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

We all know the sense of forbearance, when something has reached the end of the line ~ I'ld like to call it waiting for the other shoe to drop. For some strange reason that each of us hold sacred, instead of doing something about it, we let it go on to the point where it hurts – emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically as well.

What’s the point in doing that?! I ask today. Does it get you any where? Are you doing anyone any favours by martyring yourself in such a manner? If pain has to be inflicted, it has to be inflicted. After all, there have been so many times when we put off going to the dentist until it’s way past opening hours and we’re left suffering ~ shouldn't we have learnt the lesson of the dentist chair by now?!

Sure it’s no walk in the park to come home to an empty house, to have to put up the Christmas tree all by your self and to carry a book to dinner with you. But isn’t that a luxury – the silence of the moment ~ when compared to a self-imposed silence instead?

I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t

I’m not being cynical. Nor am I attempting to rain on anyone’s parade. I’m just being realistic. Life is too short to have your bags packed, placed by the door and then unpacked again. And we owe it to ourselves to do what we have to do, even when it's the last thing we wanna do.

Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t...

And over time, we'll learn to forgive ourself for coming so close to ruining our own life.. and in the process, the life of another. But hey - it's taken me this long to see all this.. someday, you'll see it too.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Great Mis-adventure

A few weeks ago, at a pub outing with 2 of my colleagues, one of them said something really profound that has stuck in my head. And it goes like this ~ Do whatever you feel like doing. Go out, have fun! And when you lest expect it, you’ll find what you’re looking for. I’ve been listening to this 25 year old’s words of wisdom (never thought I would say that of him) cos there is a whole lot of truth in it.

In the past, I have watched my friends who have someone and envied them – turning seven shades of green. But as my wise-boy said that same night itself – Do you think they are really happy? They may look happy and seem happy, but do you think they are really happy? And that is another truth cos we’ve all done the same before – With a coffee in hand, and a smile to go. Who’s to say that they aren’t faking it?!

And so, it has been quite a bit of an adventure off-late ,though each outing leaves me even more tired than energized. I mean – dating is supposed to be fun. Fun to the point that one of my colleagues who is attached declared today that he should start dating again cos he feels that he’s missing out on the fun that we, the singletons, seem to have!

Needless to say, I told him “boy who has gorgeous girlfriend, sit down under the table and partake not in this conversation!” Cos regardless of “it being all in the name of fun”, there are some lines that we should not cross. And throwing away what you have right now, without giving it a right and proper go, is just shite action.

Someone asked me the other day – "how do you draw the line?!" While I may have laughed it off by saying that it’s simply done with a swirl of the wrist – it is not so. And as the misadventures go – I find that it is not that simple to most people. And it irks and disgusts me to the extreme!

But as the saying goes from Private Practice (my latest addiction!) – Dating is a numbers game. You’ve gotta go out and hit the numbers. And somewhere in there, you might just hit the one that makes you smile.

But having said that – I think what I’ve learnt best the last few weeks would be this – sure it’s a numbers game. But if you’re not ready to take on the masses, you’re just not ready.

And yes – for once, I understand the term “Not ready”. I have come to appreciate my freedom, my time, my quiet. I have come to appreciate being alone with my head and I have come to appreciate even more, the conversations I have with my close friends. And though it would be great to have a special someone - I have come to appreciate that it should not be anyone who comes my way.

*Yippee* I’m not flying blind anymore. And so – my sanity is not at risk.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tired Overkill

wea·ry ~ adj.
  1. Physically or mentally fatigued.
  2. Expressive of or prompted by fatigue
  3. Having one's interest, forbearance, or indulgence worn out
  4. Causing fatigue; tiresome

I have come to realize today that I am just burnt out of Life. I cannot foster any form of interest, what more passion for anything that comes my way. Be it work, be it friends, be it food and here’s the clincher – be it Grey’s Anatomy.

It bothers me to a point that I’m tired of being bothered about anything that I have no control over.

Oh dear…

Heck – I don’t even wanna finish that sentence.

That’s how weary I am. What do I do?



Discovery Living

Here's a list of funny things I have discovered today and I just had to put it all down before... before.. oh well - just had to get it out of my system and we'll start with the easy ones:

Plants need water

Okay.. okay.. common known fact. But considering how it has been raining cats and dogs, you'd think they'd be more resilient to you not watering them.

Weight matters

My last ex-bf has put on massive amounts of weight. I have seen pictures of him chubby, but he was quite the skinny dude when we met and in the time we've known each other. As they say - it's a sign of prosperity. But here's my chuckle - for once, I weigh less than him and it sure as hell feels good!

I'm highly invisible.. to some.

The same person above, who was for a spell my best buddy as well.. asked me today if I had cut my hair. *Duh* I cut it like a month ago and it's now time for a trim. And it's not like he's not seen me in this month. So yeah... obviously, he's been seeing me but seeing right thru me. And that is about that.

Friendship takes very little effort

And on that note, I have to add that friendship takes very little effort. Somebody said today that I personify the phrase "a friend in need is a friend indeed." I am quite befuddled as I did not do anything out of the ordinary. But it must have been something really extraordinary cos this same person told me that no matter what, we're chums for life, that there ain't no getting rid of him. Period.

Conclusion:

Looking back up at the list - I could be all upset cos "best buddy" ain't best buddy no more. But it's not a loss I have any energy to mourn for. Sure, it's kinda sad that things have turn to such a state. Cie la vies is all I'm gonna say.

Cos at the end of the day - I've learnt to pick my battles. And so far, the ones I've selected the last few weeks have been winning ones.

I am a diamond. Pity the fool who can't see it to be so.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Understanding Fear

It's been a long but quiet weekend. Being the MoD (Manager-on-Duty) is not very good for this girl cos the corridors are long and quiet. So quiet to the point that the words in my head actually come quite alive. That plus the fact that it was also time to catch up on my 2 favourite tv shows and how the writters of these shows, almost always seem to know what is going in my head, and writes the shows to reflect them.

So okay. Here's the deal.

At some point during the weekend, it became quite clear what the issue on Barbs is. And once it is written down, it is not up for discussion. No - this is merely an emptying of the head before it becomes like a broken record and I slip into another alcoholic parallel universe.

I am not without any hope in life.

Yups. That is just a very sad excuse that I have concocted to mask the fact that I am scared shitless if I were indeed to come across somebody that doesn't bore or irritate me. Mandy calls it "receive-reject" but at the end of the day, it is plain ole bloody fear. And it makes me run. And those occassions where I do not run, or have no place to run to... I becomes ugly.

But here's the thing that the lil light bulb brought along with it this weekend - Being scared is good. Being scared means that I actually think that there is something to lose. Be it myself, my sanity, my heart.

Whilst many people would be quite easily fooled by this fear hidden without a bitchy aloofness, there have been some who saw thru it. And tonight, I don't know which is a sadder thought. That I was thought to be aloof and a totally nasty gal.. or that I was not ready and should not be pushed and then the ship sailed away.

A bit late in the day to see all these things.. especially when there have been very many nights spent with me sitting on my balcony staring at the moon for answers as to "Why?"

Oh what a fool I have been... but as they say - better late than never.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Musings for a broken heart

I was asked “What are the signs of depression?” just. It was a text received that was both puzzling – Am I THE expert on depression because 1) I work in a hospital or 2) I’ve gone thru so many cycles of it, I’m the expert on it, and sad cos it came from someone who I would only want to see smiling.

But in any case, the clinical signs of depression are:

  • Exhaustion on waking
  • Disrupted sleep, sometimes through upsetting dreams
  • Early morning waking and difficulty getting back to sleep
  • Doing less of what they used to enjoy
  • Difficulty concentrating during the day
  • Improved energy as the day goes on
  • Anxious worrying and intrusive upsetting thoughts
  • Becoming emotional or upset for no particular reason
  • Shortness of temper, or irritability
If I was asked my honest opinion, I would say that person who asked, is not depressed. Sure, thoughts go round and round and round like a broken DVD in the head, but that’s only cos it’s all stuck in there and we’re searching, seeking for answers despite knowing that answers are not our solution.

I know where he’s coming from... wasn’t too long ago that I was rolling on my balcony after 4 valiums and half a bottle of vodka. And it sucks big time, yeah ~ you’d almost wish you could rip your head off and stash it at the back of the closest so you don’t have to deal with it.

Cos when it’s there, stuck to the rest of you, you cannot help but recall how it felt to actually feel as that your life has some form of meaning apart from work and family.. to know that what you do, think or say matters to someone who is not directly obligated to accept… And to have that all taken away, especially when you’ve put yourself out there.. it’s not the Thing that we all expect would happen to us.

When it happens, we hurt in a way that we thought we’d remember. But it never is the case is it? This “learning from experience” and “what doesn’t kill ya, only makes ya stronger” crap. And so we feel stupid about ourselves, thinking "I should have known better" and we feel let down with the "after all that.. how could you?!"

There can be a thousand and one ways I could suggest to get thru this, daily...until one day you wake up and find that you can smile again. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. So far, I’m about as far down the list as I can go, ending with my 3 very nasty things to be done in one night and to do it consciously whilst saying “heck care” and “just do it!” And it bloody doesn't work either. You only end up feeling 1) ill, 2) even more stupid and 3) hallowed out.

Said person has read enough of my blog to know that one of my favourite line is the one which goes like this “Everybody leaves ME at the end of the day, so why should we even bother in the first place.” Given he’s been on the receiving end of that statement as well, his reply to me has always been that “if you don’t give life a chance, you’re not being fair.” And as such, it was harrowing to hear it said out loud that you’ve told yourself "never to get into these situations and to have gone against it yourself.

I’m a bit at a loss. Not too sure if my friend would prefer it if I allowed him to wallow and waddle thru this puddle and just being there… or to be the firm one and say “Snap out of it”.

Life’s a funny thing… fate and destinies are even funnier…and we’re helpless to their humour. All we can do is lie a little in it, and then suck it up and go on. It’s not easy, I know. And because you're not a robot and you have emotions, you are allowed time to wallow, rant, break things, cry, go silent.

*Sigh* All I can say is this - if you can, don’t let it grow into maggots in your head cos it will begin to eat into your soul. And that’s a beautiful soul you have there and a wonderful heart as well. And it would be a shame to see pieces of it being eaten away.

And so, it is the great hope of this person who cares a great deal about you, that you do not let this set you back so much that you become like her… for life lived the way she’s doing it now, is just not worth it – not when you have so much to receive from the world that you live in.

Like the picture on the left - right now, you're like a broken bottle.. but over time, with patience and with care, you'll mend back together again.



Strawberry fields of rabbit holes

I am wondering a bit today, about me, myself and I; of where my motivations stem from.

Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out
~ It doesn't matter much to me

People often say to me that they won’t do something if they didn’t want to. Some days, I seem to comprehend clearly what it is exactly that they mean. But other days, I cannot seem to fathom the root meaning of that. And even then, would it be that bad of me, to do something I didn’t want to do, but felt obliged to one reason or another? Am I cheating anyone by doing so?

No one I think is in my tree
I mean it must be high or low
That is you can't you know tune in but it's all right
~ That is I think it's not too bad

Today is one such day. I should have just backed out of dinner. Instead, cos I didn’t want it to be said that I was a prude who was playing hard to get, I decided that it should be at MacDonalds (just cos it’s so casual, it could at best be considered having dinner together and not a date!) and I ranted about the horrible week at work. Add to it, I texted my girlfriend mid-way from under the table to call for “help.”

Always, no sometimes, think it's me,
But you know I know when it's a dream
I think I know I mean a "Yes" but it's all wrong
~ That is I think I disagree

Needless to say, I’m probably never gonna hear from this chap again (Hallelujah! Praise the Lord) .. I mean, I can’t even bring myself to send a text apologizing for my bad behaviour (ugly bitch would be what I would call it).

And as I sit here and write out my thoughts… I really don’t wanna deal with where my motivations come from tonight. Cos if I did.. I’d have to go kill myself, after Mandy is done stabbing me with a knife, over and over again.

Let me take you down,
Cos I'm going to Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever

And yes girl – you will knock me on the head, nice and good… it’s another rabbit-hole that I’m falling down into.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Not alone...

I am feeling melancholic tonight. And a little bit pensive. Add to it, lost for words. Yes – I for once, actually don’t quite know what to say.

Went and had dinner with one of my best mates.. our usual Foodie Friday, which of-late has not been quite consistent for one reason or another. I would have loved for it to be under better circumstances, but alas, it was not quite to be. For my dearest friend had quite a blow this morning. It took me quite by surprise, reading his first mail of the day, at one particular para and I kinda sat staring at the screen for a while.

And while I did what any friend would in these situations (which is texting a mobile hug across), it didn’t really occur to me that it WAS a big thing. One where I, as one of his closest friends, would stand by and watch.

Look at them running off the sidewalk,
Look at us falling off a building,
Look at them reading lights,
Look at me, look at you

As the day progressed, it did leave me wondering, why this person was dropping one IM after another. But as I sat there tonight, despite the up-keep of trying to be upbeat and smiles… my Bear is in pain. And there is nothing I can do to make it stop. To put it simply, if my mate was a drinking person, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now. Instead, I would be buying him round after round, just so he would stumble home and at least, get thru tonight. But he ain't.. so yeah.

Look at the sidewalk cracking under,
The under side is black,
Look at us broken, bricks are falling,
The shades of grey

I just wrote somewhere that I’m currently searching for the sense in this world that I live in. But despite of everything I wrote above, tonight.. I can’t make sense of the world. For Bear – I don’t have the answer to your question. I could tell you what I think, but that would not mean that as a person who shares my name, it would be the same reason. And in all honesty – I really hope it isn’t.

We ourselves have often done things, said things that days later we forget or no longer hold the same quantum as it did then. I don’t think we’re the sort of people who do it with the intent to set out and hurt someone. Each person’s perspective moves at different speed.. maybe this one particular perspective is moving at the speed of a “Len Seng” bus.

Look at the shallow water,
That comes on me
Walk to the water
Shed through the looking glass

To go thru life as we have had.. and to hold out for hope and have hope happen, then taken away.. “shitty” is being polite in describing it. But we do the best we can.. and sometimes, we lose against fate and destiny. And all we can do is suck it all up and go on. Maybe for a short bit, it’ll be like going thru life in another’s body and soul.. but as we know it – eventually we become whole again.

Could everybody standing around us,
Could everybody drown us here
Just looking through the looking glass

These thoughts.. it really shouldn’t be here. It should instead be in my last email reply for today. But for some strange reason, I think my mate is preserving his last ounces of stability and emotional balance.. and reading it there might make it all seem more real.

If I had one wish tonight, it would be that this Bear has something to smile about tonight and for the days and weeks to come. Maybe the porcupine door-stop with the flat top did it for a bit, but I know Bear… it freaking bloody hurts.

All I can say is this… If we let – we don’t always have to go thru life’s shitty aspects by ourselves. It took me a long time to realize that. And this mate is one of the 2 who taught me this fine lesson in life.

And so with that…

You’re not alone ~ not alone here…

Cos that's what best mates are for.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Splitting Quirks

quirk (kwûrk) ~ noun

  1. A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy
  2. An unpredictable or unaccountable act or event; a vagary
  3. A sudden sharp turn or twist
  4. An equivocation; a quibble

It's been raining the whole day. While most have bemoan this fact, to me, it is but another day, albeit with some natural sounds added to it with the fall of the drops to the ground.

I have been reading my postings here with the label Mango Liquer and some of them made me smile. But at the end of it, I can't help but think that there really is 2 sides to me. The dark and twisty side, where everything lays as it is - straight out and stiff as a dead body. And then, there's this up-beat childlike side which is so lightheaded, you could almost say it is giddy.

And today was one of those giddy days. I mean, I blasted Time of the Season by the Bryds at full volume at 6 pm in my tiny office that I share with 10 other people. Not only was I blasting it, I was singing out loud to it and bobbing as well. And I actually told my beary friend that he should go talk to his car, just so it won't act up on him in the mornings!

So yeah, while I may have left the house not wanting to say a word in the drive in to work, I sure ended the day on a high note. A very high note.

I'm hoping it'll carry over to the weekend, cos I am blastedly working 2 full days the entire time. And if the hope doesn't work out, there's always migraine pills with espressos!

So enjoy it folks. Soak it up - Mango Liquer is the flavour of the week.. it doesn't happy often.. so come on in and have a laugh with me. Lord knows there has not been enough of it lately *grin*

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Seeking.. balance

doubt ~ verb / noun
  1. To be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.
  2. A feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.

It hits you when you lest expect it. And once it is there, it ingrains itself so that you can think of nothing but IT.

It's destructive. It's manipulative. It's dangerous.

I've gotta get it out of my head.


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Being Real

I had a most amazing email today, from a college mate that caught up with me on Facebook.

On a day like today, that mail was something that kept me buoyant. On a day like today, when I had to take a huge fall for the incompetencies of people I respect and work for, at 8 in the morning, that mail was something that made me stand tall despite having had the 40 devils descend on me.

For someone I knew from long ago, before life became LIFE... I am amazed that my musings went across the virtual space and made him sit and listen to this broken head being poured out. And from what he wrote, yups - he heard me alright.

I have to remember this day and take it all in. So that the next time I feel false and like another person, I can recollect that my friend from the land where there are more sheep than people, told me that inspite of it all - I am trying to keep it real.

And that to me, is by far, the most important thing to do in life. Cos it is a sign that I am not merely surviving. That I am not getting by through escapisms and what-have-you-not. It's a sign that I'm not just existing but living.

And THIS my friend - is what you get after the Blue Stuff. The sweetness of seeing the rainbow after the rain.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Choosing Impulse

Sometimes.. it's good for one's self to "just do it" - don't think, don't hesitate. Just do what comes to mind when it comes to mind. Cos when you do, there's an immense sense of liberation from your surroundings, your restrictions, your box.

And right now.. there is none more exhilarating then.. the feeling of being free - to do what I want, when I want. Because it is by MY choice.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Eyes Wide Shut Unopened

I must be getting old. For I am getting so horribly sentimental. Either that, or the honest truth that I have been shutting myself out to the point that it's spilling over.

I have stayed away from unleashing the thoughts in my head, simply because I did not want to think about things that make me sad, melancholic and weary. Life is hard enough as it is and I should not have to add on to it by my own thoughts.

Sometimes for the last few weeks, I find myself consciously focussing all the thoughts in my heads, all the emotions in my heart and chanelling it out in the way most unbelievable, that even I am surprised by how good I could be at this thing called acting.

We can all live a life of great pretense. Go through the motions of work and play in a 3rd person sense of things and hey - it's another dawn and another day. Keep going till you're ready to drop on your feet, and it ain't all that hard.

But this is the thing, I could say that... I cannot remember the last time I had real reason to smile... I cannot remember the last time I used my sunglasses to really hide out the glare of the sun, and not to hide the life-lessness in my eyes.. I cannot remember the last time I had a real conversation with someone, not hiding between the lines...

The sad truth would be that I do. I do remember all those times ...But I really shouldn't.

And so I should just live life eyes wide shut but unopened.




Saturday, December 1, 2007

My Red Ribbon Way

It’s a Saturday night. Yet another weekend with Lydia and Luke away.

In a span of 48 hours, with the kids being away a common knowledge, I have had the following invites to spend my Saturday night as a single person:

  • Watch a movie on a 42” plasma, lying on a suede recliner sofa and sipping Jack Daniels with Cola
  • Welcome a visitor into my home, whom I have never met and only chatted idly for 10 minutes at most
  • Come out and “play”

While most people would go “Wow” at the list of invites that I have gotten above, I don’t think they are aware of today being World AIDS Day. As such, I think the following facts wouldn’t have even been something they stop to read before heading out to party:

  • Around 33.2 million people are living with HIV
  • Each year around 2.5 million more people become infected with HIV and 2.1 million die of AIDS
  • The number of people in Eastern Europe and Central Asia living with HIV increased 150% between 2001 and 2007
  • The most common occurrence of HIV infections are transmitted through sex between men and women
  • Nearly half of all adults living with HIV are female
  • Many Western countries, such as the UK, have increasing rates of HIV transmission through heterosexual sex ~ In America, where more than a million people are living with HIV, heterosexual sex accounts for one third of new diagnoses.
  • Of the 2.1 million people who died of AIDS during 2007, more than one in seven were children.
  • Every hour, around forty children die as a result of AIDS

And it’s sad that these facts do not mean jack to a lot of people in this world, when it should. The reason of “My eyes glaze over when I see numbers” should not and cannot apply in this instance, as people recklessly and foolishly live for the moment, possibly foregoing their tomorrow.

A few months ago, in presenting my Outlets Marketing Plan, I had wanted my outlets to join in and commemorate today with my staff wearing the Red Ribbon, and setting aside an amount of today’s proceeds towards a facility that takes care of people dying of AIDS in Malaysia. I had wanted to give out information flyers and talk to our patrons of the importance of “living for tomorrow”.

But my plan was not passed. And sadly, business went on as usual in the hospital that I worked in. It was not something I had expected cos we’re in the healthcare business. We should do prevention, nor cure. Cos when it comes to HIV and AIDS, there is no cure, currently.

I am not out tonight. Instead, I am staying in with my phone shut off, a good book in hand and soul music playing on my stereo. It is my way of commemorating today, and remembering those who lost their lives because of one moment’s folly.

I wish I have a red ribbon today which I could pin on. The visual symbol to demonstrate compassion for people living with AIDS and their caregivers. The color red was chosen for its "connection to blood and the idea of passion ~ not only anger, but love, like a valentine."

While I am aware that sex is only one of the many means of transmitting the disease, it is the foremost thing on my mind tonight cos of the way we are today and our outlook on “seizing the day and landing the lay.”

Sure, I am just like you and every other person on the street. But by putting my thoughts down and standing my ground tonight (and most other nights in fact), I know I am gonna be one less person from that statistics that seem to be going thru the roof.

We all have a choice. And as with any decision-making model, let’s always think it thru nicely and wisely before coming to a decision that could potentially change our lives, and the lives of those we love forever.

Let not the Vodka, nor the beer be the tipping point of our lives.
Let not the weed, nor the coke be the killer of our hope.
Eat, drink, be my guest at being merry
So long as you support the Malaysian rubber industry
Or contribute some blood and money towards the testing industry
Live, love, shag for all I care


Support World AIDS Day

And if you really cannot keep to the above, then stay home, lock the doors, shut off the online chat, stash your phone away and get a very expansive showerhead or blow-up doll.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Fix you

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

One of my boss’s favourite question is “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” It could be anything under the sun, doesn’t really matter. But what it does indicate is that you have a goal that you want to work towards.

It irritates me when these candidates goes “I want to be somebody” but cannot exactly tell you who. Those who try would end up quantifying it by saying that “somebody” would be one with an office, a department to run and staff to manage.

And as I was having my shower just, it occurred to me that in one aspect of my life, I am just like these blubbering fools that I abhor.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

I spent the whole day alone today. And I think it was needed, necessary even. So that the mind calms down and I am in a position to think clearly where I have been going wrong, why am I on a downward spiral, when I didn’t have to be.

And this is what I have come to. I know a lot of things. But I do not know what I want for myself, my own happiness. And because I am one who does not know how to say “I don’t know”, it’s been nothing but an illusion that I have been chasing.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

There is this place that none of us want to be in. This state of mind, which is to be alone. And when we’re unwittingly there, we do all sorts of things to get out. Clutching at straws even when it is not what we know we want.

And that’s when we become the blubbering idiot from the interviews we hate and swear never to go through again. We become fixated on translating the picture of a home, a person there to sit on the couch and watch tv with, the garden with the sun shining through into what we want.

When in actual fact, we should be focusing on defining the person we envisage in the picture and our emotions that we want to feel when we get there.

Tears stream down your face
I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes

As I look back on the week past, I hang my head in disappointment for all the things that I have done, just because I do not know what I want. If I had more guts, I would stand in front of the mirror and call myself all sorts of names just so my friends do not have to do it.

The sad thing is this – I’ve been here before. I have been at this point in life before. Only this time, I severely crossed the line with the 3 things I resolved to do mid-week.

But I have faith. Cos this time, even though it has not made me feel better about myself, I am not deluding myself into thinking I am feeling better. Nor am I lulling myself into a state of recluse by saying I am feeling much worse.

Maybe the bit that Amanda neglected to add on when she tells me I need the time alone, is this “that over time it would help me think clearly on what I want” so that I don’t go into my MO of “receive-reject”.

And so for now… I am alright with not knowing what I want. Nor will I strive to find out what is it that I want. For now… I think I should live life as it comes, giving life the time it needs to show me what I want.

For at the end of the day, the opposite of “what I don’t want” does not equate to it being what I want. And I should stop thinking it does.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Committing to memory

A random person told me recently that "life is not all about work. That if it was, then there would be no need for the living, that we might as well all be robots."

As I sit and write this, it may be a coincidence that I have Rod Stewart singing "For the first time" on my stereo with their added on speakers. This was the song that the children's father used to sing for me. And for once.. I am able to smile at that memory, without any of the anger or vindictiveness that lingered.

I have to commit this moment to memory. This very sober moment. Yups - no alcohol at all, even though the glass has been poured out since 3 pm.

Life is not like work.. a schedule of deadlines and goals to meet. It's what we create on a day to day basis that makes it LIFE. And there's no recipe for it. No manuals. No courses or degrees to take.

I have to stop making it to be like work. There is no checksheet, nor Standard Operating Procedures that I have to follow.

I had wanted to close this with the line "I can do this. I seriously CAN do this!" but that would be saying that I am living with a set of rules and a timeline.

So instead.. I'll close with the thought that... over time.. I will be able to live life not as a procedure, but as life is.


Thursday, November 22, 2007

Damaged

I breezed into work at half past 9 this morning. Yeah, I know. Amazing isn’t it, considering I have been in every day for the last couple of months by 7.

I had yet another meaning conversation with my boss over lunch that lasted an hour, and yes that man wants me to do the dirty for him. The drilling and the grilling. Apparently, when I smell blood, I go for it and he wants to see more of that.

My best friend rang me up at 6.30 pm to check up on me. Just to make sure that I was in my car, on my way out of the office and head on home to sleep.

I also sailed thru the day – nothing could ruffle my feathers. I was in absolute control, even in the most trying of situations. I was in my elements as they would say and was the perfect Retail Manager in the whole city for the day.

But at the end of a perfect day like today, I cannot help but wonder where did I learn to build up this bank of fakeness and the ability to dish it out like the day’s special when inside I am feeling like the worst roadkill on the highway.

In a span of 10 days, I have pushed 2 very important people out of my life. Just like that. One probably couldn’t care less, but another, well… I could lie about it and say I don’t give two-hoots of the other. But I do know that by putting the cart before the horse, I have probably hurt one of the people closest to me considerably.

I embark on a path of destructive actions. Doing things I should not be doing. Telling myself and everyone else who have asked, that it’s time I live life dangerously. Just so those who know me for who I really am would turn their backs and say they do not know me at all.

The tarrot card reading for me today says this:
The Nine of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in realization. I am not my mistakes. I can't do this alone or pretend any more. The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine. There is no shame in my suffering -- no healing in silent self-torment. It is here at the surreal crossroads of the "soul search" where dawning truth meets the anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that I can finally wake up, change my mind, let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices. I am empowered by intense acknowledgment or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition.

Life is pitiful when one takes a step back and looks at it from the point that it really ought to be seen.

Hate me. Please – just bloody hate me. It would make me feel so much better. Cos right now, I just need some unity in this self-loathing on why I cannot trust myself nor the world.

And as a result of that, people get the raw end of my deal, when they should not.... they really should not.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Listen

I've been silent. Cos I have been pretty good at keeping my head intact and such.But when all Barb's hell breaks lose, it ain't a pretty sight.And that is why I do the things I do and I stay away from the people that actually do care. Cos if there is one thing is life I have not learnt to do, it would be how to get on with life without the concept of "reckless self endangerment".

I know I should be far more responsible than this. But sometimes, one just cannot find the reason to be. No matter what they say - sometimes, you just can't.

I don't think the ME that is going to be, is the one you knew and found right to be called someone you know. THIS IS the beginning of the end as we know it.

Listen to the rustle of the leaves in the wind.. listen to what they are saying on behalf of this girl. It's time for another season to change.

Goodbye life as it was.. it was fun being among the living for a spell.

Resolve

This is a list of things that Adam and I have decided I should do tonight. Or rather, within the week:

  1. Get absolutely plastered - nothing like alcohol to dull the mind
  2. Smoke some weed - apparently it makes everything comes alive!
  3. Go out and land a shag - doesn't matter who. Just as Mandy says - just don't give my phone number
And after I'm done with Step 3, I am to repeat Steps 1 to 3 again. Over and over and over.

Until..

And if that doesn't answer your question - I have serious doubt about your intellect.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Hilarious

This was so funny.. I just had to put it over at my blog... My dating personality according to OkCupid:

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure.

You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

Tell me - didn't you find that funny as well?

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Licking the bottom..

Here are a list of things that I have engraved to memory the last 48 hours:

1) Valium and alcohol do not work - trust me on this one... something about the alcohol stopping your bloodstream from absorbing the sleeping drug.

2) People will always let you down no matter what - and the lesson behind this one is - how far you are let down lies in your own hands, not theirs.

3) When you are on the way down, you just need to hit rock-bottom.

4) It's okay to have only 6 days in a week - some days are just not worth committing to memory.

5) Real friends are those who would walk 1km in stilettoes and pay for their own latte.

6) Nothing beats talking to someone who is busy as hell but still sets time aside for you.

So yes. I've been to hell and back. It was not something I had expected to happen to me, but it did. And well, as it was said by the Bear - I've licked the bottom of the devil's barrel - and survived.

I'm whipping out the compas and the map... time to chart my own course.

Afterall, if I don't start listening to Mandy soon, she's bound to wanna kick my ass in those heels too!

Thanks you two.. for holding my hair from my face one stormy night, even from afar.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Famous Last Words

The Chemical Shooter has always been about the journey towards the sweet, if you persist thru the bitter and the sour. Unfortunately, this writer does not have the will-power nor strength to go the entire journey. And so it ends here.. with the bitter and the sour.

Understanding...

When I was 16, I had a best buddy. We did everything together then as kids in high school. And not a day went by without us doing something or other.

When we were 19, I introduced this girl to him and finally, my best buddy had a girlfriend. God was I pleased for him cos she was my friend as well. We even spent 1 magical Christmas together with me and my then-chappie. When he left for Australia, I sat with her as she cried her heart out. And I continuously reminded him how not to let her down and all that.

One fine day, I remember a call from him.. in a chillingly cold voice, he told me that he didn't think we should be friends anymore. Cos his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with our friendship. She felt threatened. And so, he was not gonna be keeping in contact anymore.

So many years on.. I still remember him.. and I do still wonder how he is and such. I heard they didn't last long after that.

I never understood why he could let me - his good old friend go just like that. For a girl. And I have always wondered if our friendship was that non-plus that he could drop me like a hat.

13 years on.. I am trying to understand it again. Cos it's happened again. And it's funny cos just today, another one of those I call close to me said in his mail, that no matter what happens, he knows that I will always be one of the people closest to him.

As so I painfully remove all traces of evidence of ever being friends with my once best-buddy just so his girlfriend would not go all trauma-like by the presence of me... I am wondering why do people use the word "always" as though it doesn't mean anything. And also this...

If everyone's intent was to leave in the end... why then in the first place, try so hard to convince me to believe what I otherwise believed?

I am seeking to understand. Dear God.. I honestly do.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Balancing Baby Steps

My best buddy has been away for most of the week. But even before he left, I stayed away from him, making excuses for him ~ that he’s at the height of romance and would not want to be disturbed. And in the midst of all that’s been going on in my head, in my life, at work, I kept my Person at bay.

Tonight, we all caught up for dinner – him, the kids, his girlfriend and me. Even at the last moment, I wanted to back out, thinking that it would be better for the kids to dine with just the two of them, that he would want the time to catch up with Nat and didn’t need me around to spoil that. Him, being him, pressed on and so dinner happened.

Afterwards, as with all the other times, I went to his place and sat out at the back, chain smoking and watching the traffic. And slowly but surely, everything that has been bottled up over the last few weeks, came spilling out to my Person.

Take your head around the world
See what you get from your mind
Write your soul down word for word
See who's your friend who is kind
It's almost like a disease

I have been progressively becoming unraveled cos my two sounding boards have been missing when all hell broke lose. And being the stubborn mule that I am, I refused to back down and restore the balance when I needed to cos I thought ~ if they wanted to hear from me, they would have called. If they wanted to see me, they would have come round. If they really care, they would have asked.

And in the whole scheme of things, I overlooked the fact that I was indeed asked but turned everyone away by saying “I’m alright” when every single cell in me was crying out the contrary.

Try as I may to deny that I am not dependent on any one person for anything, it is as it is – a damn wide river that floods over, bursting its banks in the process – the damn river called The Nile.

I don’t think I have felt such release like I do tonight. And it is in part the result of 3 things:
  • My Mandy from across the sea, telling me that it’s alright to feel this way and that I will eventually come out of it, but that it’s alright for now to be this way,
  • My best buddy telling me again things that I have forgotten, putting things in perspective, and
  • An email sent earlier this afternoon in apology and in utter honesty about everything else under this lil rock that I’ve chosen to hide under.

Take your straight line for a curve
Make it stretch, the same old line
Try to find if it was worth what you spent
Why you're guilty
For the way you're feeling now
It's almost like being free

People need people, and I am no exception. Why I hide behind this facade of false niceties or of being bright and cheery, escapes my mind tonight. I have gone on and let everyone think that I do not have the time of day for them, when all I have is time on my side. And even when I don’t – I can still make the time.

I have been putting my thoughts down here on my blog, thinking that someone is gonna pick up on it. But 2 persons whose opinions matters the most, have stopped reading it cos they know this is not how real friendship works. You do not have to read about something afterwards, and I should not have to go on this round-about way when all I needed to do was to say, “I’m drowing. Help.”

Take yourself out to the curb
Sit and wait
A fool for life

Oh what a fool I have been. And it’s the first step for me. To say and see for real that I have been only a fool to think that people do the things they do for me cos they are obliged to. In retrospect, I am a wee small person of little faith. Cos I have been told often enough that the nice things done for me, is out of a genuine want of doing. But I never believed.

Mandy was right and I see her point now ~ I must realize my own worth before other people can begin to do the same towards me. I may be smart and intelligent but when it comes to being a person, a human being, I fail so badly at it. Right up till just now, I struggled with doing what she was asking me to and not making any headway.

But the essence of it is that if I do not appreciate myself, I will never be satisfied with the level of kindness and care shown towards me.

I will never feel that I am worth the time of day for her to call and text me, telling me to put my phone off and go to sleep.

I will never feel that Sen was sitting out with me cos he felt he had to, and not cos he was really concerned that something was not right and that if he was patient enough, I would come round to talking.

I will never believe that every piece of advice given to me by the 3rd person is cos he doesn’t want to see me being stepped over like a beaten rug and not get anything in return, when it is my right to.

I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love
And you will carry on

I have left a trail of mess and hurt in the run up of bringing myself to this point. I have said things that should not have been said, forgetting that not everyone is the same, and as such, do not know me on the same degrees.

It’s gonna take a hell lot of effort to clean up the mess. And another first baby step when if the moment ever arises, would be to not sweep it under the carpet as Sen says I am most famous for doing. For the written word cannot stand up to the measure of the spoken word.

I have hidden behind the line ~ “everyone is gonna leave me in the end, why shouldn’t I be the one to take the first step” so often that I had forgotten that I would be the one letting them down time and again instead.

All I’ve gotta do is come round to the fact that I am ME and that this ME does indeed have some qualities that are worth having around to other people. And that I cannot be everything to everyone. But to be something to some people, that says a lot… especially if they are all still around when I was down.
I've just gotta remember that the next time I go off-balanced.

My spirit may be broken, totally and utterly right now and all the fight may have gone out of me. But with my People around me, and being there - I'm pretty sure I'll find it again. And someday soon, maybe you'll read about how I am finding my voice once again.