Friday, October 28, 2011

New Beginnings

I move house tomorrow. And it will likely be my last time moving from one rental to another; the next move would be 2 years down the line, into my own pad.

The house is currently in a mess. I cannot remember how I managed moving homes so many time - the next stop would be my 7th place in a span of 9 1/2 years. And no matter how I keep throwing things out, I am still finding things that I have managed to hoard over the years.

As I take a moment, have a smoke and list down the things for the movers tomorrow, I am taking stock that this move was not scheduled for this year. And as the year unfolded, it became even more unthinkable to be able to afford a new rental. Yet, it is not only a new rental, but it is almost 3 times more than what I have paying now.

We have had happy times here, in this place in the clouds in the neighbourhood of OUG. To think that I was filled with trepidation moving from that side of the valley to this side, and now to the next place being almost a stone's throw away.

To top it all off, to have you ask for an access card and if the unit came with 2 car park bays to let you have the other ~ We have come a long way, babe!

But more importantly, I have come a long way.

So thank you this lil box in the sky. We made it through without any nights staring listlessly at the moon.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Disappointing Child

We have started the renovations on the house in Subang. It is now Week 2 and the workers are going head-on full-swing.

Very few would understand when I say this effort has taken the biggest toll on me. My schedule and my budget have already gone out the window. But that aside, it has wrecked me completely emotionally. And as I sit here this morning, I have never felt more alone - yes, not even my Camino beats this.

I keep thinking, maybe I jinxed my own self ~ this year at my birthday, I didn't write my usual yearly reflection on whether I make my parents proud. I assumed that after everything I had done this year, I have already proven myself. And thus, it was a given fact. *Beep* WRONG! Nothing in life is a fact except perhaps death and taxes.

If anything these last week (and it's only Wednesday!) has taught me is this: I would always be that disappointing child. The one that can never do right, no matter how hard I try.

And so today I stand and say "I'm done." 36 years of trying is a long hard time to try and to swallow it all in. When some don't even need to try, and in their not "trying" they get rewarded. So why should I bother?


If I were to not see the sun go down today, let it say on my head stone

Here lies the one who tried and failed.
The one who was always the let down.
Here lies our disappointing child.


Saturday, October 15, 2011

Clarity

I came to realize this evening that sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind. And again, that money is not the "be all and end all" of life. Since the beginning of this year, I have been waking up frustrated with myself, and my life when I should be waking up feeling joyful. I have been grumpy, frumpy and behind on most things that are important. Simply because I felt obligated. I am still obligated but now there is light at the end of this tunnel. And while I know this decision will irrevocably make life a little bit harder, it is also a necessity. For I am not like you, decent as you are. My beliefs are different from yours. And frankly, I do not like your beliefs and as such, I do not like jumping when you tell me to. And so, my countdown begins. To the day life as I know it returns to normalcy and decency.

Monday, October 3, 2011

By the wall

Today was a wretched day.

As I stood in the mid-day sun by the letterbox, tears streaming down my face, text messages flying back and forth with Ben, I realised in the midst of my despair, just how much I miss my friend.