Halle Halle

So, a year has come and gone.

For some of us, it has been a fantastic year – a year where all our anticipations, our commitment, our hard work – they all took off and brought it home.

For others, it has been a year of endless pressure, facing life changing decisions – one after the other. A year where it may have felt like we had nowhere to hide.

And again, for others, it has been a year where the never meant to happen happened. The unexpected took place. It may have left us reeling from the aftermath or it may have left us wanting more.

I have run from the truth

Since the days of my misspent youth

I was hungry for kindness

I was lost in life's blindness

It has been my tradition, since I started blogging, to do a capping blog for the year. As I sit down to reflect upon the year past, I cannot help but ask myself – Where does the end of 2009, and this decade, leave me? BUT better yet, as we end that sentence, follows the thought – Where has this year BROUGHT me?

When you're born without wings

All you dream of, all you want

Is that feeling of flying

Of rising and climbing

The start of the New Year sees me standing on the precipice of an awesome new adventure – one I had dared to dream but never dared to go after. It is one that has been in the making for the last 18 months. As we go into the home-stretch, I am so filled with awe and at the same time, packed with trepidation. For a person with a multitude of commitment phobias, the strokes of the pen on the spots-marked-X come Quarter 2 2010 would be the biggest commitment I would have ever made.

If we left this year’s reflection at that, it would pass muster and join the ranks of years past. For in re-reading the cap for the last two years, I must admit that life has been kind - not one year has yet to end on a bad note. And to mark 2009 as my final year as an employee would definitely not qualify as a bad note. But the depth of what 2010 would come to symbolize would be lost if not for this year.

For this year, I understood and welcomed what it meant to love myself first; a notion that has been droned on and on by those in my circle. That it was not selfish to put myself first in all things. More importantly, that I need no other reason or motivation to go after what I set out to achieve – me, myself and I are reason solid enough to climb mountains.

We can all give the excuse that with living comes obligations - to our families, our employers, our friends. But surely, as this is our life, we owe it to ourselves to fulfill obligations to our own self as well. As an old friend mentioned over tea last weekend – I AM my most important person for if I were to collapse, everything and everyone who stands with me, collapses as well. Hence, I should be my NUMBER 1 priority.

I recall my ‘auspicious’ word (demanded at gun-point) from the love of my life (OMG! Did we just come out and say that?) said the day I turned 34 – the best thing to celebrate for the day, is the fact that I am ALIVE. Not just living and breathing but experiencing and embracing.

Always thought I’d die young
In these hands I help the gun
But it's too late for dying
Now there's nothing worth hiding

It was a scary step to take, especially when somehow, somewhere along the lines, you convince yourself that you’re “arrived” and there is nothing more to learn, no one credible enough left to teach. I am grateful, that these half-blind eyes of mine, was pried open to see the error of my ways; that I did not have to suffer a great fall to acquire such wisdom. Especially when the year brought so close to home the realness of human mortality.

I've lost love, lived with shame

I was humbled by my fall from grace

On the steps of decision

It's revenge or forgiveness

For this year also saw me burying one of my own. Yes, I know – but hey, we have to call it as it is and acknowledge that he was somehow one of my own. We cannot close the year without remembering that close encounter with the hooded one holding his scythe.

As I had corrected Mandy when she categorized it as being “happier times”, we will always remember it but as of “happy times.” My world and views have changed since then, that even the simplest of things brings me much joy, which probably explains why I was able to grieve and really close that chapter we used to call “being young and naïve.”

Halle Halle - We're one breath away

With the CIA World Factbook giving the 2009 estimate of the Malaysian female to live up to 76.21 years – I have about 32 years left out of this thing I call life. Tomorrow, Regret, Failure – these are not the things I want to be left thinking about when my time runs out.  

Halle Halle - From our judgment day

At the end of the day, of the year, of the decade – there can be so many lessons that I can scribe down. But nothing is as important as being fully conscious of the fact that this life is transient. What I achieve and amass today, I cannot take with me on the morrow when the sand in my hourglass runs out. 

So as I make our plans, set my goals for 2010, make that personal commitment to be better at who I am, and what I do. As I work toward it, I would do well to not forget to every now and then, look around. Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

AND I know I can do it – cos I am not going into it alone. While as this year passes, I may have been physically alone, experienced loneliness of a depth that cripples you – yet, my persons were always there. And though I have said it many times before, I will say it again – Because you, you and you (you know who you are), I am grateful to be alive.

You leave it all on the table

If you lose or you win

In closing, I will borrow the words of Brazilian writer Paulo Coelho and say: May love fill your heart, compassion guide your mind, faith rule your soul!

You got to learn to love

The world you're living in

Happy New Year folks! Experience and embrace everything 2010 throws your way – You might just Be Amazed!

Learn to Love

Bon Jovi – The Circle

Author’s Note:

The words in italics are taken from the NBA’s “Where Amazing Happens”. It is on this campaign that the tenets of “Study in Ireland - Be Amazed” was drawn upon. Needless to say, when it involves a round bouncy orange ball, it is inspired by none other. "Instead of fear, be inspired!"

Fractured

It has been a very long time since I felt that I was not worthy to go and stand in church, in the presence of God. For the last 18 months or so, when things have gone so badly wrong, it has been my sanctuary, the only place where I can find peace. Yet, today, when I needed peace most and the silencing of the demons in my head, I did not feel that I had the right to be in the presence of holiness and serenity.

I have been trying to figure it all out in my head the last 24 hours... why my own mother hates me so much that nothing I do or say in her eyes would ever be right. That is the only reason I can assign to her meltdown yesterday where I bore the only bulls-eye target in the house. That my existence must pain her so much, its name must only be HATE.

I admit as much, I have never been the perfect child. Never the brains of the family, I have always been mediocre in my studies. And with my headstrong ways and living an unconventional lifestyle, I must have brought to her a certain amount of shame in front of the relatives as well. In choosing to hold true to my values of a professional life, I have never really made it up the corporate ladder, bringing home only sufficient bacon but never the caviars or the trimmings of a hearty meal.

Perhaps as she looked at me, she is reminded of the child that came after me that she had to abort cos they just couldn't feed the both of us. Perhaps as she looked at me and all my failures, she wished it was me that she had chosen not to keep. That he might have been the perfect child, giving her less worries, bringing her only pride and joy.

Traditionally, by today, the 4th last day of the year, I would have my reflections all scripted out and ready for publishing. Yet this year, even though right up to yesterday has been one of the best years of my existence, I cannot get past this blockade.

The LegalBeagle said over tea that the beginning of a new year is always a good time and a good thing. "People are always hopeful" he said. Right up to yesterday, I would have agreed with him. But not right now.

For what's the point of having hope when the person who gave you life believes that there is no hope for you?

Author's Note - 30th December 2009:
I had wanted to delete this post now that the incident leading up to this is water under the bridge with mum. But to do so would be to deny that these vile (yes, I know they are vile) thoughts never existed in my head. So, this post shall remain as it is. But don't get me wrong - I love my mum and I know she loves me. When we do rub each other the wrong way, it tends to end up so ugly it puts Mafia Wars to shame. I have to admit, when it comes to her, I have a chip on my shoulder. Maybe in time to come, I will get over it ~ Accept and live with it.

Oasis

There's just 3 people in my life who can break me, bring me to my knees. Today 1 of them did so. As the bus trotts back north, I'm trying to forget that everyone else is being warmed this cold night by a Jap dinner and family love. Cos remembering is more painful than the last 2 seasons spent by myself. Perhaps folks remain by themselves cos they know letting people, family in only brings nothing but pain.

48 Hour Limit

No one has thot to ask me why I set a 48 hour time limit with my return trips. 

As much as they say to bring it out in the open is to jinx it, I've learnt it doesn't have to be that extreme. And the plain truth lies not in this city. But it being the duration my mum and I can be in close proximity without ending up in an argument. 

I thot pulling it a few hours would be fine but I've thot wrong. 

No matter how I try, I WILL NEVER be good enough.

Felices fiestas

As each of us make our way to our destination(s) today and tomorrow, here's a lil wish from me to you this season:

The light of the Christmas star to you
The warmth of home and hearth to you
The cheer and good will of friends to you
The hope of a childlike heart to you
The joy of a thousand angels to you
The love of the Son and God's peace to you.

Merry Christmas!

The Spirit of Christmas

"It's definitely very seasonal weather going on here," said my colleague Kathryn as we caught up quickly over the phone this evening. Temperatures are at a high of 7 degrees in Dublin with blasting cold winds and frost ~ it doesn't really ever snow in Ireland. And unfortunately for us, the rains seemed to have stopped crossing over our valley here in the tropics, bringing with it the same ole level of humidity and sunny rays.

I must say, there's something about the sight of people huddled deep and down in their woolies that make Christmas a wee bit more Christmassy in those parts of the world with four seasons (and winter being in the right time of the year). The twinkle of the lights on outdoor tree decorations seem to sparkle just that little bit more, possibly cos our eyes are watering from the exposure to cold. Perhaps wintery weather drives the spirit of the season a bit closer as we hurry along our way to get out of the cold, in the hope of a warm home awaiting.

And that would be my point for tonight. Cos Christmas, as my religion teaches, is a time of hope. For the birth of Christ was the beginning of our salvation. As God-turned-man, he was also given free will - as with all of us. Hence, to me, it is the essence of hope - hope that he would make the right choices as he grows to be the man who ultimately allows himself to be crucified on the cross, to redeem us lost souls.

While we now know how the story did eventually turn out, we should try and recapture the emotions of the world back then - when they did not have the Bible to fast-forward the chapters and pages to the end. And so they had to wait. And wait with heart overflowing with hope. To the point that kings traveled from afar and shepherds with their flock came to pay homage upon his birth.

And so as we open our year-end pay slips, read through our performance reviews, empty the bank accounts for the start of a new school year and put up that new calendar on the wall. As we steel ourselves for next month's credit card bill, where the indulgences in line with the festivities catches up with us and our partners start planning for next year's getaway.

Perhaps it might do us some good to have some of that hope that the people did so many thousands of years ago. That somewhere down the road, our salvation (in whatever form that applies to you) awaits us as well.

If we but have a little more faith and resist the urge to fast-forward this, as we tend to do with so many other things in our live - our patience and perseverance might just reward us in the end.

Happy days ahead folks! Happy days indeed!

Pussy Licking on a Sunday Morning

I recently did something really impolite in the cyber world. I removed a friend (and yes, I have come to consider this person as a friend) without saying so beforehand. 

Back-tracking into the week past, I have come to conclude that perhaps, it was a bit of jumping-the-gun on my part. But then again, when it comes down to having to face with really nasty people, I tend to not want to do battle these days anymore.

I woke up today to an email from said-person, asking "why?" and for the life of me, I could not formulate all my justifications and rationalisation into a proper sentence.

A week has gone by and in all honesty, not a day has gone by that I did not log on and think of my friend. Watching "You've Got Mail" in the midst of this wave of melancholy I have to say - does not help. Cos it is a movie, albeit only a decade old, set in a different time and space. Such notions can no longer survive in our space - notions of honesty and eloquence.

I chose not to deal with psychopathic dramas and so I chose to run away. And in that process, cost a friendship. I can claim that I'm doing him a favour - so he didn't need to get a guard-dog that is trained to kill or deal with hysterics on the home-front.

But the simple truth is I cannot deal with nasty people anymore these days and would not want any part of them in my life, in any way - even the remotest of all possibilities. But to say that would essentially mean saying in not so many words - choose. And it is not something I would want anyone to have to do. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

So while I am able to find laughter in me this wistful morning with the comments my friends are giving me over this grief, it remains as it is - a spot of bother this season.

Perhaps I should have added "I have missed you my friend". 

Alas, the morning handed me a pussy licking and the damn cat did not just stop there but ran away with it as well. And so it is only said here on the Shooter and not anywhere else.

Oh well. So much for "honesty, trust and integrity". 

Question Not

What a whirlwind the past few days have been. Going home always take a bit of a toil on my sanity - different environment, different roles. Not the adaptive person that I am, it puts me out of my elements, this environment that I have no control over.

But I am glad I made the trip - even if it was for the biggest day of someone I have only met once.

"Why do you have to go early? And why is it your responsibility to make sure your friend eats before the festivities begin?" my mum asked with a hint of wrath. And I know she's not the only with so many questions of "why?" Even our close circle of friends has asked the same.

These are not questions I can answer. Nor are they questions I would choose to answer. I can string together words that might seem justification enough for you. But the truth is - there isn't any.

You never ask why you're there when a friend calls on you. And do forgive me for taking a stand that departs from yours - if you call yourself a friend, a close friend, you do not really wait until the moment you are called upon.

I may not have done much but hearing folks who have known Alex longer than I have exclaim surprise and disbelief when he whipped out his speech from his jacket pocket "He prepared a speech?!" is enough for me. To be sitting there with a drink ready for him to gulp down in a moment's of respite is enough for me. To answer his text in the midst of the dinner, waving the pom-poms in the air and saying "It's all going well. Worry not." is enough for me.

Besides, Alex has done more for me these last 5 months than most folks I call my friends. He stopped mid-way wedding photo shot to call me and let me break down by the side of a road. He welcomed this position of BFF with arms wide open and judged me not once, despite all my moments of insanity and quirkiness. 

So the lil that I think I have done is nothing really.

Sometimes, we do not have to walk to the ends of the earth to make a contribution of sorts. Perhaps if more people realised that, then our world might be easier to live in. Perhaps if more people realised that, life would not always seem like such an uphill climb.

Journeys

It's been almost 11 months since I've been back to my hometown. It wouldn't have been another couple of months, except that BFF1* is getting married and the bride hails from the next suburb to grandma's house.

This trip breaks a number of rules.

For starters, I have only met Alex once. We have heard of each other's names and escapades through our mutual love, Mandy but we had only met at her wedding earlier this year. For someone I've only spent a day with, for me to be helping out at his biggest day - now that's definitely a rule-breaker. And let's not even go to where he wants to "present" his bride to me before Sunday so I can give the BFF seal of approval.

Secondly a WEDDING. As Donald said when I rung to make plans for tomorrow evening "I thought you DIDN'T DO weddings?" For the life of me, I can't even recall attending the wedding of one of my closest cousins ~ still not sure IF I had gone, and too embarrassed to 

ask to clarify.

Lastly, I am actually announcing ahead of my impending return. Trying to see as many friends and family as possible. Which is unusual to say the lest! And judging from some of the responses I've gotten - family seems pretty pleased that this prodigal one is going back, even if it was for just a weekend.

"I didn't realise your return was such a big deal," said the groom. Yes - not many people would either. Simply cos not many people knew how I was back then, how prejudiced I can be and how strongly I can be defiant when the maggots form preconceived notions in my head. But the family always did, and kept their own counsel.

Add to it, most know why I have always resisted going home and to hear of me voluntarily, eagerly and happily heading down south - perhaps they can all breathe a little easier knowing that I am no longer as damaged as I was when I left.

Perhaps as I get older, I realise that while I may have chosen a separate set of individuals to call my persons, it doesn't mean that I have reason to neglect those I am connected to by blood. As such, it is once again a joyous thing to look forward to - sitting with the family and talking into the wee hours of the morn as we once did as our tradition.

As an old friend from the days of school on top of the hill said to her sisters ~ Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or that smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still family.

So yes. A wedding may bring me home. A bond of loyalty may make the stay sweet. 

But it would be the blood that runs through our veins that would make me leave with a twinge of sadness.

Pet Shop Bouys

“You were right” I said to LB this morning as we spoke about my final contract. I have come to realize over the weekend that perhaps sometimes in my haste and suicidal need to save the world, I make a horrible judge of characters and situations. And in the end of it all, I gather unnecessary stress and jitters on to myself.

It’s December. And we all know that December is always a bad month for me, to be left to my own devices.

Perhaps I was being selfish in retrospect. Thinking that by playing a superhero of sorts, my own cold winter could be kept at bay.

Now we learn otherwise.

A Few Good Men

A friend of mine is all up in bolts right now as his family court hearing date draws near. It is perhaps a bit of a tough situation to comprehend seeing how my friend is the father parent. 

Traditionally, the physical raising of the child rests on the shoulders of the mother. She is expected to give up whatever she can afford to, to ensure the child is properly taken care of. Yet, traditions are changing. More and more fathers are stepping up to play their role. Doing everything within their powers and abilities to be the best parental figure possible.

I must say, I am somewhat prejudice against this changing tradition. Perhaps, I defend my stand simply because I have known fathers who have been nothing but selfish and irresponsible. And I know I must change my perspective soon enough.

After all, as my circle of friends change, I am presented with an increasingly evident set of dads who are far more capable of taking care of their own than most mums I know. 

And it is in them that hope remains.

These few good men.

The Task

My deadline ended today. I'd probably still have about another week to get my task done but it bugs me nonetheless to be this tardy.

For 6 days, I have been staring at a blank page. A blank page that should be easily filled with words - after all, stringing together words are supposed to be my forte. Yet, the page remains blank. And while that page remains blank, this blog and my Facebook notes, have been getting filled.

It's not to say I am unclear on my task - on the message that I am suppose to craft out of thin air. It could not be more clear. In fact, what has been said here, and on my notes page, has been nothing but revolving around the message, the theme.

Yet the task remains undone. For I am inundated with fear, fear of getting it wrong. Scared of writing a page and a half worth of words, knowing that I can do it with my eyes closed. Frozen, still, with my fingers poised over the keyboards, waiting for the freezer to unlock and the fingers fly into motion.

Yes, I am scared. Because in this task, I have to become you. And that scares the hell out of me, even though you are utterly sure I cannot get it wrong. I will not get it wrong simply cos I have not gotten it wrong todate. 

Don't you understand that everything I do,
I do it for you?
Anything that might be special in me,
is You?

And so I am scared. Cos if I get it wrong, it might just mean that time and distance have come between us - that I no longer know you.

And if indeed that has happened... I really don't want to know.

Add Me On!

Earlier this month, the word ‘Unfriend’ was named word of the year by the New Oxford American Dictionary. Defined as a verb that means to remove someone as a "friend" on a social networking site such as Facebook, it was said to be chosen because "it has both currency and potential longevity." 

Running a search on Google on this word, I must say I am most surprised to find loads of instructional entries on how to ‘unfriend’ someone for whatever reasons you may have. One of my favourite lines would have to be this: “Assuming you're sure that you no longer want to be friends, click on "Okay" and after a moment or two that connection is broken and the two of you are no longer friends.” 

Wowzers indeed! 

In the years that I have been a FB member, I think I had only had to consciously remove people from my listing a grand total of about 3 times. The first was an utter act of silliness – very High School Musical which I shall not bore you with. The second was really an act of kindness – said person did not have to know how accidentally upsetting he can be from my status tweets. But in these two instances, in an off-line world, we were (and remains) good friends, on good terms. 

The third was however a seriously conscious decision in both on-and-off-line worlds. And it was a hard and painful one to make. But what needed to be done had to be done. Though not in the manner that FB and New Oxford has so callously painted it out to be. And so, after two long email exchanges, one final attempt at finding if there is anything that could be salvaged, the button was clicked and she was outta of my life. 

We’re not at that age where friends come by so easily ~ the phrase a dime a dozen comes to mind, simply cos we have already peaked in formulating our opinions, our lifestyles, our convictions – any one wanting into this category would have to fit these criteria we have painstakingly established over time. 

I can’t say cyberspace has not done its part in better enabling us to find people who meet some. if not all, of these criteria. And of course, being a world that never sleeps, it enables us to find these matches crossing geographical boundaries and time zones, without disrupting our normal lives. 

But here the deal breaker - with such unlimited freedom from our normal parameters, it has also given us carte blanche to hurt. 

Irritated with their constant mindless banter? Click ‘Hide updates’. Not wanting to hear how their day went? Click ‘invisible’. No longer interested in having them keep you company late into the early hours of morning? Click ‘unfriend.’ And the best bit of it all – as Facebook would warn you if you ever embark on this new verb: “Your former friend will not receive any notification that you have unfriended them.” Which means, there would be this one person, sitting at their computer, somewhere out there wondering – Gee, have I gone and done something I should not have? 

Go back a millennia or so, you’ll find that the Old English word for ‘friend’ was simply the present participle of the verb frēon ~ to love. So while what has become a daily part of our lives and is indeed extremely useful – it has also cheapened and demeaned the true definition of a friend. 

Perhaps Facebook should relook at the way they have categorized relationships. Add in categories like “acquaintance”, “cyber buddy” or even “game neighbor”. Just so that everyone knows everyone else’s boundaries. 

And perhaps while for us purist who awaits the people over at the Facebook office to wake up and smell the degeneration – maybe we ourselves could be just that lil bit more cautious and think once, twice, thrice to the n-th time whether we really want to click on that button that says “Add as friend.” 

Call me a lemon. Call me a pessimist. Call me anything you want. But trust me on this – you’ll be saving yourself a whole load of grief from being ‘unfriend’ once your flavor has worn out.

Pillars

A few weeks ago, at a function, when one of my Irish friends introduced me to this young lady and asked if I could help mentor her in her business, my first thoughts were "Wow - and there I was thinking her husband was so damn hot as the guitarist of the band!"

We met for the first time today, for a proper sit down discussion after being on email for about a week, and I must say, I walked away from it, feeling as if I have been the one handed the gift, and not the other way around.

Very rarely do we find young people, in this day and age, who are willing to go the distance, in fulfilling what they want to do deep down inside. Having read their (her husband and her's) story, and this dream they have created, I am really psyched to be allowed a part of this.

And I do this cos it's time I start taking some of my own medicine.. as I told Ben early Monday morning - time to start believing you're capable of so much more than what you're paid to do. "Believe I can fly... I can touch the sky.. Be as big as Sly...But more importantly, always believe in truth and not lies... for they are the pillar of life."

And the way they are living their lives - it's the truth. So if the foundations they have built on is a bit weak, no harm in my helping prop it up whatever way I can. It's not everyday that I get the honour of meeting people who dare to dream and are honest and humble to admit that they are in the midst of pursuing their dream.

All About Towels

I have been making an effort to wake up on time, as I used to do. Doesn't matter that I don't really need to. But to know that I can set my mind to something and do it, gives me some relief and self-assurance that I've not lost all of my lessons learnt.

I stumbled into my bathroom this morning after barely enough sleep and the first sight to greet me is this two bath towels hanging on both rungs of the towel rack. There is nothing ever odd about having two bath towels hanging in such a manner for most people. But I live by myself and in the 11 months I've lived here, never before have I come across such a sight.

Here I sit at my desk, refusing to take the other towel down to be put into the laundry basket, simply cos it reminds me that though I am by myself, I am not quite alone. It reminds me that when he's not here, there is something of his that is here. And that yes, when there is a chance, he comes home.

So there it is. All about towels. What's the state of yours?

Making Excuses

I recall having this discussion once with LB - about laziness and how it is a trait that can be cultivated. And I've been re-evaluating my own performance, my throughput levels at work, at my projects and how productive I have been. Sad to say, I have slacked so much I want to dig a hole and bury myself in it.

At the end of the day, I can make all sorts of excuses - culture, environment, time-zone difference - but they will remain what they are: excuses. And when I've realised that my own achievements have been below par, really - no amount of excuses can make me rest easy at night until that is sorted.

And so, as much as I wish I could take my traditional long vacation at this year-end, I know for a fact, I do not deserve one.

I no longer have the luxury of having a big team of folks where our roles can be segregated such that I am the thinker, the planner, the strategist and to pass them on for implementation when my part is done.

I am now all-rolled-into-one. And if I want my business to succeed so that I can say I made something for myself (and for certain crazy people to be less tied to a job) then I'll have to make sure that my plans, my programmes come to fruition.

December is almost near.. no more time for resting on laurels and hibernation.

Besides as Ben says - Tortoise pace is really not me.

The Hope

BFF-II is thinking he needs an iPhone cos he gets lonely without his MSN. Our short weekend catch up across the borders on his lousy lappie, we mutually agreed that people don't talk anymore. Which is one of the things I marvel at.

Ben once asked why do I need so many instant chat applications running - yes, I have 4 (Yahoo, Windows Live, Skype, GoogleTalk) and that number would increase to 5 if you were to include the built-in one on Facebook. And my reply was that different friends use different applications and so it's best if I had an account in each one and ran them all.

Sadly, that is indeed the harsh realities of our lives today. Instant chats and short-message texts. Folks asks for your number these days, and you can bet you'll never quite hear their voice on the other end but will receive a deluge of beeps from them.

Once upon a time, I was well and truly happy to not speak to another human being for days on end. I recall how Sen asked if he should step out the door, sit in the car and for us to continue our conversation via SMS cos the cat really got my tongue. But now, I'd much rather hear the voice and laugh on the other end of the line or table, sense the warmth of a smile and all that jazz that comes with actually knowing the you're not talking to yourself.

Everyone is different and thus engages different ways of staying connected. My best buddy can go for weeks and months on end not seeing me in the flash cos we start almost each day with a short "Good morning" beeped in. BFF on the other hand, would be there on GoogleTalk from the start of the work day till the end, but we'll still have a physical face-to-face lunch thrown in at least 2 out of 3 days in the week. And Ben just beeps but makes it a point to not go more than a couple of weeks at most, work permitting. 

And that, to me is my hope. 

An iPhone may be a solution, but it is NOT the only solution. So long as more people realise that - then perhaps we would not all lead such disjointed lives at the end of the day.

Evolution

Plato, who said in 300-something BC that you learn more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. I supposed he would be the authority on this subject matter as he was surrounded all the time by philosophers, scholars, astronomers - persons who thought living and knowing was all done in conversations. Perhaps, it was through the daily intellectual exchanges that Plato felt that he had witness sufficient twisting and turning of thoughts to appreciate the simple joys of merely engaging without wanting to strike a point at the end of the hour.

Nat, after a particularly trying day at the office yesterday quoted Tennessee Williams as saying that the the only thing worse than a liar, is a liar who is also a hypocrite. And this would have been at the start of the 20th century. When the world was just coming to terms with materialism and consumerism. Where people realised that certain needs exploited, would bring about gains undreamed of. 

My day was more or less ruined at the start of the morning because of a callous thought spoken. While I am willing to give the benefit of doubt, strange as it may sound, that there was no malice intended, I am still nonetheless miffed at how people and society has evolved to the way we are today. 

As Akon said in his song, "Sorry, Blame it on me" - How was I meant to know she was underage? Which is a fine excuse Stan when all is said and done. But hey buddy boy - I would bet my bottom dollar that the question did cross your mind but you willfully cast it away, sweeping it under the carpet, playing the odds that you might not get caught. 

As night draws nigh, I cannot help but ponder if indeed the world were to end tomorrow, could we truly blame it on higher authority for giving up on us as a species, as a society, as a race. For while there may have been many improvements and innovations in the century past, there have also been a much higher rate of erosion. And I'm not capping it merely at what we are doing to the environment. But extending it to our values and norms.

I may not be an angel nor a saint. But hey I'm at least willing to admit that much.

In Another Life

In another life, I organised conferences - international ones - where over 2000 people came from around the world. With their partners having a separate agenda. And it wasn't just one that I have done. To fit them all in my  resume would be just too much. But that's precisely it - it was in another life.

Which was why I sat through a long meeting at the end of today, biting my tongue, resisting the urge to say "Give me one day with this paper and you'll have the programme, titles and to-do-list all drawn up to execute".

It's gonna be a long 6 weeks so I need to be mentally prepared for this. Lots of standing in front of my mirror saying "Shut my trap no matter what!"

It's gonna be a long 6 weeks so I need to be physically prepared for this. Tongue has got to be ready to be chomp down a fair bit.

I wish I didn't have so many other lives.

Lessons from Beyond

I’ve never been one good at receiving compliments of any kind graciously. Somehow, when pointed out, the things I do don’t seem extraordinary in my eyes.

Earlier this week, a 3^rd party commented through my friend how amazing a parent I am when Mandy recounted something Lydia remarked last week. Something about feeling bad cos she’s the only one going to a school that was a fee paying one. And that she had said it was alright if she didn’t go to her school just so I wouldn't have to put aside huge amounts of money for her schooling.

Of course I am almost amazed by how Lydia and Luke are. But never once have I credited it to me. And what was said over the end of the week – bout Little Nyonya being Lydia’s fave show and her having a maturity and how I have done well in that respect – made me seriously sit down and think if perhaps there is some truth to what everyone says.

At the core of upbringing, the most important thing one can ever impart, I feel, is a sense of respect. Instill that in anyone and everything else will fall into place. But how does one teach respect? For if we force it upon them without any understanding, then it is only but a mere watershed ~ it will not last when they form their own way of life. Yet, I believe that if we lead by example, coupled with explanation and rationalization, then yes it will stick, and not just stick for the now, but for life.

And so I do it my way – a vast difference from the culture and environment that I myself was brought up in. Many have doubted if my way would work. My best friends shell me for telling my kids that we cannot buy a particular toy or eat at a certain place cos we have to be careful with our finances. My parents want to kick my butt when I send the kids to a corner or make them wait out their dinner when they misbehave. My aunt wants to take a cane to my behind when she learnt that I have Luke earning his way around the house for a toy (needless to say, she went and bought it for him when I wasn’t around!)

But people can say whatever they want cos I have validation that my way works. Not just in the comments I get about the two but because I know one such person who has benefitted from quite possibly a somewhat similar upbringing. A person who is kind-hearted, intelligent yet humble, focused and successful, and of course, adores his mum!

They say the best way to learn is to go to the source. Unfortunately, in this instance it would be rather impossible and frankly, quite eerie to think that I could actually go to the source :o)

I believe that children are our one and only legacy. Not some business we leave behind, the bungalow on by the beach, or the many kind acts that we did in our lifetime. For those are transient – existing only when we exist. But if they continue, under the banner of one’s off-springs, then that would be the ultimate legacy.

So there you go – yes, Lydia and Luke are great kids. The best as they can come. But how much they have grown emotionally and mentally in the last year and months is really not all credit to me. If you have ever wondered why I offer Masses for a particular lady whom I have never met – it would be precisely for the parenting lessons she imparts from the great beyond – through her son.

While it may have sounded strange to any of you who heard - He talks to his dead mother - you must admit. If you had a child and after you've gone, you would want your child to still felt that bond you shared. You'd be damn proud if that happened, and not wonder if he was losing his marbles.

So there you go. Why I do not think it strange. For this lady, whatever she looks like, how she was, etc etc etc - I know this for a fact - she left one heck of a legacy, despite all the odds she had to overcome. 

If I can achieve one-half of what she did, I would be damn proud of myself! 

Perhaps only then would I graciously accept all glowing remarks about how beautiful human beings my kids are.

Conversations at Midnight

"When is all this busy-ness and madness going to end?," she asked.

"When I quit my job and come out on my own?" he replied. 

"You know.. Engleby, the book, said that this 'busy' thing isn't a commitment, it's an evasion," she added.

“When I tell you I’m busy, I really mean I’m busy.”

And she couldn't think of a suitable reply until now..

Jika ini hakikatnya 

Aku serahkan jiwa & ragaku 

Menantimu walau sengsara 

Jika ini ketentuannya
Kau kan jadi milikku
Jua 

Big and Empty

I've been sitting on my couch, looking at my apartment, wondering why is it that it has somehow managed to retrieve the feeling of being big. And empty.

This was how it felt when I first moved in about a year ago. Though it is smaller than the old place, it actually feels huge. Over time and months, it no longer felt such a distance to get from the front door to the window.

Yet, that feeling is back.

"Why?" I am asking myself. How did I let this happen?

TnT

"Someone must have cursed our family's name," said Bernie yesterday evening as we caught up across the miles. Her dad was admitted to the hospital and as of this afternoon, no signs of improvement.

So yes, at a glance, with 2 family members brought down healthwise, it sure does look like there's a whole voodoo clan out there with our names on it.

But as I sat and looked around my nephew's space in the ward yesterday, I realised that whatever voodoo hulla-bulla that is assumed placed, it's not really working all. We have gotten it off light.

When you see those around you bearing more - you'd count your lucky stars.

Amusing

Someone told me yesterday, that I should extract the best of my posts and compile them into a book. 

In this midst of all this chaos, I thought the idea was proporterous and definitely way out of this world. I mean, who would actually pick up a book of musings from an unknown, written usually in angst or alcoholic haze? Hello - I am not Chelsea and I never meant to ring up Vodka.

Amusing ain't it ~ madness in chaos?

The Grim & I

The months past, I feel like I've a new best mate. Invisible to the living eye, Terry Prachett cites that he comes with his skeletal horse and a pet - Death of Rats. Last night my youngest nephew, my only Godchild, was in Intensive Care after an auto accident. Adult human error for sure. So while the Grim may have been winning in our recent showdowns - I'm telling him THIS child is not fair play. God will pass my message on.

Fiel

I'm trying very hard to find a solid reason why I keep coming back to this place. Why I keep revisiting this one issue, challenge. And why sometimes when I do, I can easily brush it aside, while at other times it can crumble me into a messed pile on the couch.

Maybe it's true...

I suppose what we see, what we hear, what we witness bears some weight to what we decide. And yes, while we may have made a decision once before, the world doesn't stay still and as such, pathways and futures in tandem, do not stay the same either. 

Maybe two is better than one...

If for nothing else that the last month has shown me, it would be that life is short and I am wondering if I am letting my life waste away, waiting for circumstances to come back into favour, waiting for control to be gained once again.

Everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

Yet, if I were to truly examine it from all points - I can't really say that I am wasting my life away. If anything, I have never been more in control of what I want and going after it. And while I would love to take absolute credit for it, I know I cannot say for certain that without my all-spark, I wouldn't be here.

But there's so much time, to figure out the best in my life
And you've already got me coming undone

There is a Spanish saying: Si quiero ser fiel a alguien o algo, primero debo ser fiel a mi mismo ~ To be faithful to someone or something, first I must be faithful to myself. And if I were to follow that saying, then I must admit that I have already made my decision - so long ago. And because I don't know how to deal with missing a piece of me, I go round  the mulberry bush, finding a ruse to disguise it.

Perhaps rather than muddling the issue, I should just look it straight in the eye and face it for it really is. Two is really not better than one. You don't have to tell me that. I know.

When I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay

So this is the last we'll hear of this, in this fashion. Making it count with those who count is what makes it all worth it.

And finally now, believing that
I can't live without you...

Okay... I can do this.