From So Far

I turn 37 this year.

As I sit here and post my thoughts on the year past and the year ahead, I do not feel weighed down by the wonderment: If my parents are proud of me. I know they are.

I placed my last student for the new academic year this morning at 5.46 am - that's79 doctors to be and 10 dentist to come. At this poignant point of life, when grave illness has hit the family in a hard way: I am filled with hope as I recall each of these 79 faces.

A week ago, I sat in despair and cider, wondering where did I go wrong in Year 36 - it was suppose to be bigger and better, ending with a bang so loud, it'll make the New Year's Eve fireworks pale in comparison. And this morning I am exclaiming - Let the Fat Lady Sing!

It's all a question of perception. And not giving in to fear while giving out absolutely to hope!

Hope used to be my bogeyman, my monster in the closet, my bad 4-letter word. But I have come to see, that without it, life is not worth living, not worth my space in the world. Much like love - it'll take your breath away if you allow it too!

And so, as I step into another year of life, feeling extremely grateful for my health, my family, my friends, my work - My Life: I am hopeful.

And because I have that, and God - I know that come what this year brings: I will be fine!

Happy Birthday Me - you've come so far from licking the bottom of the Devil's cauldron!

The World Keeps on Turning

Traffic is moving as it always does on a Monday morning, along the highway, just by my apartment. The backfire of a truck, the sirens of an ambulance and the horn toots of inpatient drivers late for work.

The world keeps on turning....

I have bundles of bags standing by the door - my clothes for the next 3 days as I stay over at my folks, the puke-bucket, wet wipes, boxes of tissue, plastic bags, all in readiness in case Dad feels sick on the way back later today after his 1st chemo run.

The world keeps on turning....

As we prayed together as a family on Friday night, mum had a vision of me, sitting by the cliffs with a storm raging around me. I was apparently sitting still, knees clutched closed to the chest - looking lost, forlorn and alone.

The world keeps on turning....

A colleague from Ireland wrote last week, asking if I would be available to meet her in 2 week as she stops over in her first visit to KL. We have plans for breakfast since I did not think it was appropriate to tell her that I can no longer make plans longer than 5 days ahead.

The world keeps on turning....

I know deep down that while many thinks and believes that today is the start of the road to recovery, I know differently. Today is just the start of one long road. Whether it ends in recovery or it ends in us picking up a suit, shirt and tie for Dad - it remains to be known.

It is not that I do not have faith. It is not that I do not have believe. It is simply because  the world keeps on turning and to ensure that it turns as smoothly as it possibly can, I have to think 10-steps ahead and be on the ready for whatever the turn brings.

The world keeps on turning - Can you blame me then for feeling like I am all alone through it all?

In These Lil Hands

My world has gone upside down, inside out, left and right - all at one go.

Exhaustion. I thought I knew what that meant. But in truth, I did not - right up till now. And I suspect that as time goes by in the near future, I would begin to know that word with deeper insight.

Physically, the body and mind is tired. Tired of travelling close to 1000 km in under 8 days. Tired of researching, reading, digesting and summarising.

But the champion of exhaustion would have to be the emotional state of mind. Of having to be constantly up-beat, slightly non-nonchalant (but not too much now) and well, basically be the complete opposite of what it is really is. For when no one is around, I sit and stare off into space. If I thought I could afford it, it would be done with a bottle of wine in one hand and a carton of smokes in the other.

And apart from this lil box in space, I can only be all that I really truly am when I am with my persons. The one who saw me through all 7 levels of hell - hey, we didn't think there would be an 8th did we? And the one who still remains here, despite having me shatter into a million pieces.

If there is anyone that can save me from self-destructing, it would be them. So in these lil hands of mine, I'm collecting the pieces that have chipped and broken off in the space of the last 1 month. And I am asking you to keep them in a lil box somewhere. And when the time comes, to help me piece me back again.

Please always remind me that through all this, you've got my back.