Friday, January 29, 2010

Crashed

I decided to do the responsible thing the last couple of days and get the computer at home sorted in terms of virus protection. 

Installed one programme and ran it for about 48 hours. Worked quite fine until I decided to do some reading and found out it wasn't one of the best - it didn't resolve a number of the protection issues I had. So I decided to uninstall it and download another.


Lo and behold, in my drug-induced haze yesterday, as I booted up my pc and the new antivirus system ran, I clicked to delete this particular file, causing the whole damn thing to crash and not want to boot up afterwards.


It's apparently salvageable but I am running the risk of losing all my data. And that to me is the saddest bit of all. Cos it consists of all the photos I have ever taken of the kids.


Everything else can be recouped - my work data, my financial files, my music ~ it's all a question of time and some burning of midnight oil on my part. But these pictures are priceless. It traces the memories of the kids. If they are lost, I'd really bawl my heart out from the heartache.


Monday, January 25, 2010

Reality

I spent the better part of my weekend pouring through my contract and staring at multiple spreadsheets on the computer.

BFF Mandy told me not too long ago, that the only concern she foresees me ever having when it comes to running a business is the worry about cash flow and funding. She reckons, everything else I have it pretty much nailed down. 


Anyone who thinks that the position I am in, and am moving towards is gonna be a walk in the park - they've gotten it wrong. Sure, it's almost like being handed things on a silver platter. But it's not an easy platter to carry cos a certain amount of silver polishing is required from where I stand and observe.


At the end of the day, I suppose I cannot really do justice to my thoughts of the weekend and the morning. So perhaps, if you would allow me, my cousin's gone and said it better in his posting this morning.


As Don Carleone says in the Godfather: 
It's nothing personaljust business.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Wishes

I wish...

  1. I could rant my heart out on most of the things that have been bugging me.
  2. I had someone to clean my house for me.
  3. I had a bigger and faster car - or at least one that doesn't feel as if it was flying when the needle hits the 100 kmph mark.

Luke's standing next to me and have just remarked that I was wishing for a lot of things.

I suppose I am. And that they are mostly very trivial or materialistic things.

Pardon me for being self-indulgent this evening. It has been a mentally grueling week in seven levels of purgatory!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dad's Wisdom

I rarely get an occasion to sit down and have a talk with my dad. Perhaps it's cos as time passes, he spends more time in prayer, deep thought and service to others and being a full-time grandpa getting up at 6 a.m. - napping.


Today, since I haven't been home much these past 2 weeks, I decided to take the evening school run drive with him and then to the optician so he could get his glasses fixed. On the drive, we spoke about work, the progress that has been made and the bright future that awaits yonder in the horizon. 



As I took the driver's seat to move the car in the mad streets of Taipan, I realised just how badly we needed this bright future. His junk of a Volvo is literally held together with all sorts of tape, glue and stitches. As I sunk my butt into his seat, it.literally.sank. 


I wish time could go faster so that this future would materialise sooner. But I know that is not going to be the case. And I can continue to frustrate myself with the passing of days, it is not going to change anything. If anything, it would only make life harder to live.



"Be patient," dad advised. "It is nothing but a timeline that you're living out."



Yes, I must remember that each time I have to swallow hard. My dad may not be very much in stature and material wealth, but he is full of wisdom.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Absence

I have been tardy in keeping my blog updated. I know that and I apologise to those who check in every day for an update of sorts. It has just been slightly crazy these last few days, with my Irish colleagues in town. Happens twice a year and when it does, I run almost on empty towards the end.

This visit was not physically grueling. It was more of a mental marathon, especially as we had set aside time to discuss the way forward for Synthesis (yes, that is the name that w have chosen and which has been endorsed) to come alive. And as we await economic recovery, it was a numbers game, pitching at each and every level, hoping that each small victory in the process would solidify my rice bowl.


And yes, that has been accomplished. The wheels are turning that wee bit faster now as we count down to March where the 'i's will be dotted and the 't's crossed and the money comes in. At this point, I have to admit that I will never be able to be a humanitarian worker - the stress of not knowing when money will arrive in the bank will kill me ultimately!


I am glad though that I am now working for a set of individuals who believe strongly in the words of Charles Schwab ~ I have yet to find the man who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism. As much grief that comes with each email, no effort goes unrecorded (which is more than I can say for the rest of the remaining days in the year!)


I wish I could be more heroic and report that my lack of time was spent providing some contribution to society. Alas, that time has yet to arrive. But hopefully, the throngs of students we've been meeting and interviewing the last few days would help me in some way, fulfill that longing, that need.


And to close, it sure is good to say that after 8 years, I have finally caved and treated myself to a new pair of spectacles. Not only is it good to have a fashion update of sorts, it is also good to be able to see clearly once again *lol*


Yes, small joys in life! Beats the big ones anytime of day!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Turn of a Dime

It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting at my desk, in my cubby-hole in the sky, listening to the kids argue about what cartoon they want to watch.

It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting at my desk, knowing I must spend the next few hours, plowing through a pile of reports sent through by Enterprise Ireland, building my case why the business funding can be cut, but not at the levels I have read.


It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting at my desk, trying very hard not to remember that some 10,888 miles away, people are suffering at a depth that I have found so hard to comprehend.


Our generation are no strangers to news of natural disasters, heart-breaking calamities. The first thing most of us do when we wake up in the morning (if we have the luxury of time) is to turn on the global news network and our computer, to see what's happened in the world while we slept soundly in our beds.


When the Tsumnami struck in the Asian region years ago, many of us stayed glued to our tellys, watching re-runs of people getting swept away, home-movie makers screaming as they filmed these moments of life OR death, joining queues of people packing aid items much needed.


I'd be very honest with you and admit that prior to the last week, Haiti was a blur thing in my knowledge vault. It still is. All I know about it is what I have read on CNN, BBC and Wikipedia. We have poor countries here in our region as well. Philippines, India, China and its shanty towns. So really, Haiti would be no different.


Yet it is. It feels vastly different to me.


And while I know I should not question why God has allowed such a stroke of pain to befall an already sad country and her people, I find myself nonetheless asking "Where is God is all this?"


As I read the blogs of individuals who have chosen to dedicate some part of their lives and skills to the people of Haiti, even before the earthquake struck, I am hoping I'd find the answer to my question (before I march up to my parish priest tomorrow morning, that is and ask him in his face). As it is, it is a strange sensation - as a blogger - to read of a seemingly normal life in a foreign country, and to have days of silence in between and a fresh posting telling of the destruction and loss. But I will continue to plow through these silent thoughts of these individuals, feeling the pain in the words they have chosen.


Perhaps through it all, I will find some sense in this madness. Sense that will ease my ever-growing feeling of helplessness and selfishness. And hopefully, my faith will be restored and be used for the glory of the Almighty.


As one blogger's moment of irony says:
Avec Jesus Tout Va Bienwith Jesus everything is going to be alright.



At the end of the day, when we can do nothing more or nothing at all, perhaps the best thing we have left are the very words of our Lord ~ Into Your Hands, I commend my spirit.


Follow the situation as they unfold from those who had chosen to devote their lives in a way you and I can never do:



Life can change at the turn of a dime. Let us do well to remember that.







Saturday, January 9, 2010

A Dark Day Passing for Malaysia

When I started the day with a status tweet of “Barbs is looking out at the sky and feeling dreadful, simply dreadful” little did I think how far that statement would go as this 8th day of the New Year unfolds.

There has been recent uproar in the country, over prohibition of certain quarters of the community on a certain word of the Malay language. Something that should never have started, escalated over the course of the day to a near boiling point, fueled (pardon the pun) of course by both tunnel vision and a lack of vision.


Being a Christian (and a Catholic for that matter), of course it angers me that my house of worship, my sanctuary was violated (Yes, I’m an Assumption parishioner). It angers me that my dear Father Voile, in his state of immobility could have been hurt if the attack had really worked. It angers me that there are folks – individuals who could be neighbours, friends, dudes from the next table at the mamak, audacious enough to think that my faith would be weakened, threatened by a few bottles of petrol.


But most of all, it angers me that both parties had allowed this to come to head as it did over the course of time.


The first – the powers-who-be at the helm of the publication Herald. Fine and well that they are transcending beyond the lines of religion and playing their part in racial unity by wanting to bring the word(s) of God closer (in a communication context) with the insistent usage of a “sacred” word. But I think that entire nobility behind the idea lost its steam when its insistence made it way to the corridors of law. That, my friend, to me stinks of nothing but ‘personal assertion’ and egotism.


Mind you, these are learned men (even if they are men of the cloth – do you know how many PhD holders there are in the realm of the Church??!!) and so they must know that the sociological impact of such a move. It would be shameful if they wake up tomorrow and read the papers then go “Oh I didn’t know that bit.. hmmmm…. What should I do now?”


The second – the powers-that-be in the running of this country. Fine and well that by virtue of majority, we are a Muslim country. Yet, if we prided ourselves extensively on the fact that we are a multi-racial society, then the issue of language falls out of the scope of religion and comes under that multi-racial unity bit. If this were not true, then why did we then in the 80s (or was it the 90s) change the naming of the language from Bahasa Melayu to Bahasa Malaysia, just so that citizens not of the Malay race would feel encouraged to use the language more extensively?


Add to that beef, people in office should bear in mind that everything they say and do, reflects on the running of the office, the country. Having individuals come out with nerve-jarring statements – did you really pick the right person for the job there?


The papers have termed this as a dark day for the country, for the nation. They have categorized these acts of violence and violations as taking a step back from progress and development. And I agree. People – we’re no longer in the deep dark ages. Education is now compulsory up to a reasonable level. It may not be a great one, but being able to read and write does bring one a big step further than being held at ransom at what others tell you. Attacking one Christian place of worship every 4 hours is not gonna get you anywhere – not when there are over 3000 denominations of Christianity in the world. (At this point, I must applaud the perpetrators for being impartial and not just targeting one denomination. Thanks for spreading the luv mates!) It is nothing but a simple act of cowardice and puts your learning (regardless of the level you stopped) to shame.


Christianity is no longer a repressed religion. Hell – the Catholic Church has our own state for crying out loud – what more advancement can we ask for? Heaven on earth? God playing a round of golf with you on Sunday morning? And honestly, if you know your Holy Book well, you would know that the Old Testament speaks of a race being oppressed. Their religion was not the cause of that oppression. So don’t turn this into a song and dance about our basic rights being repressed in our country.


As my long, Long, LONG day ends and an even longer month begin, I hang my head in shame. Not because of who runs my country. Nor is it because of who leads the order of my faith.


I hang my head in shame for the loss of rationale and humility in my community.


I hang my head in shame for the loss of solidarity among friends, among neighbours.


I hang my head in shame for the emptiness of words that I should hold in high esteem from persons whose office I respect (I may not respect them but hey, it’s the chair that matters.)


But most importantly, I hang my head in shame at the flagrant breakage of the commandment – Thou Shall Not Use the Name of the God in vain.


I don’t know about you. But I for one know that I have solid reason to ask for forgiveness from Abba / God / Tian-zhu / Allah as I stand contrite for letting emotions of fear and anger overshadow my fear of His commandments.


And I will take comfort in knowing that regardless of what I call Him, God listens to the language of the heart and the soul. And that He will overlook the bout of temporary insanity and know in our heart of hearts, He is all that matters.


With that, sleep tight Malaysia. The dark day has come to an end. Tomorrow is yet to be written. And it's all in our own hands, how we want it to end. 


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

In and Out

The Bear rung me late last night, whining about how he couldn't feel his feet. One of his resolutions for the year is apparently to spend more time with me, his supposed best buddy.

The Bear has not been mentioned much here off-late simply cos he has been almost non-existent for the better part of the time. It got quite apparent just how far gone the carcinoma of this friendship has taken root when I opened my Christmas gift from him and found it to be a right smack in the face. It was a book that I had read and written a review for sometime last year which was also my 1st review published in our national daily. 


I have a bottle of bath salts sitting in my car that I am to drop off at his place on my way home today - something to ease his poor feet, since the bottle has been laying around my house without being touched.


And that, I shall take as my one and only effort for him for the year. If I am expected to do more, to keep the cancerous cells from spreading, he's gotta put in his two-bits as well. 


Making it a resolution is a start. But seriously, I am quite insulted. While friendship needs work, it really should get to the point you resolve to do it at the start of the year. Furthermore, as with everything else - we all know that 359 days from now, them resolutions are usually never kept.


So while it sound hurtful and hateful, Barbsie is taking it one ear in and the other year out. I can just as easily write it off as a resolution of mine to no longer be hurt or let down by the people I care (or should it be cared) about.

Friday, January 1, 2010

THIS Side Please


Unknown to a lot of folks, I am a brooder. I lie awake most night, twisting and turning, this way and that, turning thoughts, ideas, dreams over and over in my head. When close friends throw me an opinion opportunity, I would mostly likely assume automatically the role of Devil's Advocate.

My last day of last year started with a long conversation with my partner, my sounding board, my cricket; him showing me the picture in his head for the decade that lies in waiting, and me trembling in fear at how he could be setting him (and us) up for plenty moments of failure.


These are grand times ahead of us. Both of us as I step forward to assume a role that I have worked towards all my professional life. As I said in my last posting - it was a dream I dared to dream, but never dared to go after. In my last 3 jobs, it was the "secret" hope that they would come to this bountiful harvest. And with each let down, I pushed that dream a little further away until this one came along.


Even with a mere 273 days left standing in between me and this life-changing moment, I am half-convinced that something, somewhere would creep up out of the ground like a cheeky gofer and trip me over. 


"If you want to change the action, you have to change the thinking" says Zig Zigler in my never-ending calendar for today. And I know this saying is very true.

And so if I were to consciously make a resolution for the year ahead, I guess it would be to choose to stand more often on this side of the fence - the side of positive thought and energy. 

As Paulo Coelho says: When our heart wins the battle against our fears, wonders lie ahead.

And indeed, grand times awaits me. And if ever I forget, my Chief Whip Officer will not hesitate to remind me.