Sunday

My cousin Paul wrote on his blog that "ecause his "dialect" with which he communicates love is different (perhaps his is by tell her how much he loves her), these deeds she does for him didn't seem important to him, and she feels unloved."

I am quite possibly able to write this posting tonight only because I have had nothing to eat since lunch and half a bottle of vino in.

I turn 36 on Sunday. And this year, it should be something I am looking forward to. To borrow an expression from Mandy - I have "arrived" after having licked the very bottom of the devil's cauldron.  But not only that, since knowing a certain someone since 2008, this is the 1st birthday of mine that we are celebrating together.

Try as I may to tell myself to not make a fuss about it - I know deep down that he has made efforts to shift his life around, so that he is around this Sunday. I knew it 4 Sundays ago. (Though at that point in time, I was miffed big time but yes, the light bulb did come on eventually).

And in order that I do not end up disappointed, I have been telling myself that it is a coincidence. That it was not intended.

BUT if I know him, like I have come to know him and as Paul wrote - I am denying myself joy. Real JOY! Fore he has made effort and I am not giving him brownie points for it. Simply because I have been left out in the rain far too many times.

I have been asking myself today, playing scenarios in my head, wondering "Who am I to you?" when I didn't have to. Wasn't it said before not too long ago?

"I shake the hands of my friends when we meet!"
"But you don't shake mine!!!"

"What nonsense are you going on about?! Please - you are miles ahead of all of them!"

I am such a fool. I shall enjoy the rest of my wine and look forward to turning 36.

Life awaits!

The Sweet Smell

I am done for the operational year. My first. And we have a full house. And then some!

If you asked me a year ago, could I see myself in the position I am in today? I would have told you NO. In fact, I DID say NO, it won't happen! Yet it did.

I have had to work my arse off. But you know what - it was what I had to do that makes this day, this moment so much sweeter than it would have been!

Some would say, I didn't aim high enough. And in all honesty, it may have started out as such. But towards the middle - it wasn't enough anymore.

I shot for the gold and got it.

I must remember this day. And this smell. And this smile. Baby I'm a firework and they are going Oh-oh-oh!

Breaking Habits

After my last posting, I went back to read how I felt last August. And I realised something - I have been going towards this trend, with this year being the 2nd year running.

Have I not learnt anything the last 365 days to know that despite the maggots in my head - they are what they are - maggots in my head! If not for anything else, this year should be further testament that I am my own spiral downfall catalyst.

I need to break the habit. Break these chains that hold me, tripping me up when I give it the opportunity to.

Another Year…

Another year is coming to an end – both on the work front and also on the age side.

So much to think about and reflect upon, yet my thoughts and head is all over the place – where do I begin?

I was overwhelmed by a deep sense of loss last night. Perhaps it was because with most of the sales seats sold, the deluge of emails that has been keeping me occupied almost 24/7 is dwindling down to a trickle. Soon it would be a small cry from being absolutely silent. What do I do with myself then?

This year has been all about work – getting the business off the ground. And off the ground it did take, and not stopping at just there. We could be slightly snobby and say that we shot for the moon and got the stars. Yet I do not feel the sense of accomplishment and achievement – not when I think that how maybe I got lost along the way.

I “FBeed” this morning that I was feeling weepy. I still am. If I had it my way, today would have been a day where I stayed holed up at home, the blue bottle in hand and the sampoerna in the other. All because I have counted the losses and it has stacked up so high against me, it is too much to bear.

If I could have one wish for the year ahead it would be this: That I could grow some coldness in me – so that I can be like them out there who could easily take things up and put them down. My work has drained me. Squeezed me dry. And I allowed it to happen by taking such a deep personal interest in each and every person who came through that door.

It is not the draining of energy that I am wallowing on about. But rather the reminder of something someone once said to me: How could you be so wonderful to a customer, and so rotten to those who really are in your life?!

Sunday looms large and lonesome ahead. I can’t even begin to think about how I can go about filling the day so that I do not start a new age all red-eyed and moped out.

Cos at the end of the day, I may be going into 36 far wealthier than I have ever been financially, but my life is so empty, invoking the bankruptcy act won’t even cut it.

Lost Highway

An old and dear friend messaged me on FB last night. And it was only then that I find out that he has been going through a lot of pain in the last few months.

Despite what people may have been thinking or saying - I have not been on a rampage of forgetting where I "came from" nor cutting ties with those who sat with me at the bottom of the devil's cauldron.

I suppose this is where "cultural" (for lack of a better word) differences comes into play. I have been associating and working with folks who have no qualms in coming on board and going "Have you got a minute?" And I forget that our culture is one where if we see the other going round like a headless chicken, we say to ourselves "Let's not bother them with our troubles."

I am disappointed in my own self. For all the walking I do, I am still like a horse with its blinders on. I should be more intuitive and know when a simple "Hi" may mean more, need more.

It now seems that I have been running on this lost highway. I suppose there is no time like the present to get myself back to the main roads.

The End of an Era

I had a big pow-wow with Mandy over the weekend.

Even writing that line was hard as I couldn't write "BFF" anymore. And it makes me think - the acronym is just an acronym. It went out the window as fast as acronyms are created.

I am 36 this year. And that would mean that I have known her for over 16 years. It sure didn't take long to dissolve something that many years took to build. But then again, we wouldn't exactly be lying if we didn't admit that it has been brewing and fermenting for the longest time.

I have realised that a friendship is just the same as any relationship - it takes a lot of work to keep it going and to keep its shape intact, especially as we grow and change. Perhaps I forgot that cardinal rule in this instance, choosing to ignore that even between friends, sheets must sometimes be aired before the stink sets in so hard, no matter how many times you wash it, you will never be able to get the musk out.

16 years - come hell or high water, we have always been there for each other. And yes, she was always in my corner, waving my flag for me. Have I come to think that I have 'arrived' at a point in my life that I can do without this staunch supporter? Alas, I have not. Cos who else knows more about me in my circle of friends than her?

Yet, it was a point and a decision that I had come to reach. And despite what another friend Dzul tried to remind me, it was a painful decision to take. My colleague Sam just told me that perhaps I too have changed. And maybe that it is. I realised that we have both branched out in different directions of life - so far apart that the chasm seems too wide to cross.

These are all decisions that I have taken on my own. In all fairness, she has not had her say. And I cannot apologise enough for breaking her heart the way I did.

But that era has come to an end. And I'm sorry it ended the way it did. I can only wish her well and that all she has her heart's desires set upon, she will be blessed by them.