Wrong

I learnt a new word today, while watching telly just after waking up at 10 a.m.

pro·pin·qui·ty ~ noun

1. Nearness in place; proximity
2. Nearness of relation; kinship
3. Affinity of nature; similarity
4. Nearness in time

To put this word into use today, I would have to say that I have been sorely lacking in propinquity, not just in the last week but in reflection, a lot of the times in my life.

I just had lunch with Pups and it was good, chatting over meatballs, coffee and Sampoernas with a familiar face, who I do not have to explain very much and still know where my point comes from and lies in.

I am raising a feud with my best buddy, tho he'd probably read about it only here. And for the silliest reason to boot. He's probably gonna tell me to "grow up" and I'm probably gonna get hell raising raging mad with him when he says that. Which is why it's coming on here, instead of somewhere else. Cos I really don't wanna get into a disagreement with him. I'm miffed cos I had rung him for an opinion, as someone I respect and listen to, and got blown off in under 10 seconds. *grumble grumble, curse curse*

I am slowing getting increasingly irritated with Monday.I don't really have a beginning point on elaborating this. I just feel that certain expectations or assumptions have been made and I do not like it. I know, it's really partly my fault for not demarking the zones and areas and I can't really cry hell and sunder over this. But nonetheless, I am seething and it will blow at some point in time. (And right now, taking Charlie's offer up seems to be the best return I can serve up in my wee bit lil head!)

There are a whole list of other things I can state there which are falling on the wrong side of me. But there's no point to it cos at the end of the day and line, I am lacking in propinquity only for one reason and one reason alone ~ a total thorough lack of communication on my part.

I think I'll go bury my head in the sand for the rest of the day until I can think this one thru again.

On the Sidelines

This is Day 5 coming to an end.. I cannot believe that I have actually survived 5 days without having a computer at my instant disposal. Needless to say, it's one of the drivers in clocking in Tuesday morning at my new work place.

The days have as I predicted gone by in a blink of an eye ~ that's what having kids does to you, i.e. they make time fly by what with all the running around after them and watching one cartoon series after the other. You cease to count the minutes after the 3rd one and before you know it - it's already time for dinner.

Now despite not having a PC for my restless fingers, I have been able to keep tabs on my mailboxes. And as the computer gliche at the hospital has yet to be sorted out, I am still privy to all the stuff going on down there by virtue of copy mail.

It's a horrible thing - I wish they would just delete my email account from their server. Cos there's a whole lot going on down there and I feel like bashing my head in for missing out on the excitement. Top that all off with text messages coming in, keeping me on the latest Italian adventures.

*Sigh*... I need for Tuesday to come quickly... I need to step off that pitch and step on to a new one.

I absolutely hate standing on the sidelines!

Free at 1

It's almost half past one in the morning and I'm sitting at the cyber-cafe outside of my apartment after downing a strawberry milkshake, apple pie and oh, only about 9 pieces of chicken nuggets.

Day 2 of Sit-around-and-do-nothing has come to an end and Days 3 to 5 is gonna fly by as Lydia and Luke are coming back. Not that I have a lot planned for them, save for the house cleaning (cos Lydia is quite the cleaning elf ~ if only she tells me when she's done it and where she's hidden the cleaning cloth!)

~ ** ~

I've been getting bits of gossips fed back to me from the former place of BJJ. And because I am still the victim of a poorly managed and staffed IT department, I get to read about it as well. It comes as no surprise that Italian dude is taking a lot of pains in erasing all traces of me ever being there. It comes as no surprise that my boys and girls have become victims of irrational thought and a severe lack of sex - on his part.

I am trying to hold on to the wise words of one of my former colleagues - I have to remove the commitment cos I have broken the bond. The relationship no longer exists in its former state, and that I have to accept and move on.

I shall try...

~ ** ~

I've been doing some reading. Finished a book already and on to my 2nd. Like GarlicBoy said - I'd probably finish my current stock before I start my new job. Pace - I keep telling myself. If only it'd stick in my thick head!

My latest enjoyment is called "My Horizontal Life" by Chelsea Handler. Had wanted to get her new book - Are you there Vodka? It's me Chelsea. But then, it's still in hardcover and comes close to a hundred bucks. As much as Monday says the book cover is literally screaming out at us ~ I'm gonna wait and lay it on him as part of my 2nd bet winnings *grin*

Coming back to the book, it's not all that brazen and in-your-face as I thought it would be. As all books I read does to me, this one has me wondering if there is any joy at all in notching up the scores. Gotta remember to ask WhiteBoy this the next time I see him, considering he's the only person I know who stands outside a club at closing time asking, "Would you like breakfast in the morning?"

I am currently reading tho a mystery semi-spiritual thriller. Not normally a book I would pick up, but well I reckon if 2 people are gonna share the spoils of one book purchase, I've gotta pick something in favour of the other person at some point in time. "The Malice Box" so far has been engaging and I am trying very hard not to let it's concept of "souls entertwining" get to my head.

~ ** ~

I had dinner with GarlicBoy and Peps last night, and with JL earlier. Very sedate outings on both occassions. Yes I am surprising even myself. I would have thought that I would have carried on the 'partying like a rockstar' gambit for a few more days this week before shutting it down. Oh well... I guess it's all good.. in a way... IF I can get my itchy feet to stop whining!

~ ** ~

All in all... There's something to be said about being "in-between jobs". It's a sense of being "lost". Yes - you heard me. But then again, maybe it happens only to me - I have not had the opportunity to talk to my friends about it (of course nobody else but me has to the time to talk the last few days).

I feel like I'm floundering. Like a big chunk of me has been ripped out. I know I am suppose to take this time to recaliberate and relax before I go into the unknown. But - this is not ME. This is not how I'm built.

Work should not be an anchor. But look at me and tell me, apart from work - what else have I got? And so, instead of respite, I face frustrations. Which explains the nuggets, milkshake, apple pie at 1 in the morning.

Life, should not be like this - a pile of books by the bedstand, a loaded astray on the coffee table, MacDs at 1 and a blog written at a cybercafe.

I don't wanna be free anymore. It no longer makes any sense.

Time is on my side..

Woke up at half past 9 this morning with the sun shining on my bum. Note to self - pull curtains close before turning in.It's the 1st day of a 6 day break for me before I start on my new job. And by 9.40 am, I was already bored out of my wits.

The grand plan for this 6 days is to 1) spend time with Lydia and Luke, 2) catch up on my sleep and 3) sort the house out - no more showering in the dark! And of course, get the laundry done cos after being pelted by 30 raw eggs, handwashing ain't gonna cut it.

So far... half the day is gone and I am praying for it to be Monday already (*ahem* not for the reason(s) you're thinking about!!!)

Ah.. so this is what it's like for people who do not have to work. I'm so thankful I have a job waiting for me. I wonder if my new boss would keel over and die if I ask to report in for work tomorrow, instead of Tuesday...

Time on my side - seriously over-rated!

The End of A Chapter

It's Tuesday already. After 3 months of talking about it, the DAY is here. The signboard says "Exit 39" and doesn't follow with "100 metres ahead" but rather a fork in the road.

Another chapter of my life is coming to an end. A very happy ending.

I'm just sad cos I'm gonna miss all the people I have grown accustomed to and their presence in my life.

But we must move on, come what may. And next week - a new chapter will begin. Hopefully, it'll be the one that would take me to a wonderful finale in this thing we call MY LIFE.

A Happy Summary

The weekend's come and gone.. and here's a round up of happy notes:

1. Lydia and Luke's debut as Lil Tandoor Chefs. Brought them round to the office for the last time so they can say their goodbyes and my boy, Asyraf decided to teach them how to do the naan bread. Brings a whole new meaning to knowledge transfer, considering Asyraf himself learnt it from the chap who was cleaning the floor for us way back then.
2. Like a mother-hen preparing for the child to leave home for the 1st time, I went and got small stuff that my boys and girls have been lacking. A bit late in the day, but well - at least this will tie them over for a bit.
3. I finally bought myself a proper astray, after living with the bottom half of the mosquito coil tin can for the longest time. Yeah - it's plain, it's white and it's less than 3 bucks. So much for agonising over what my 1st astray should be.

It's gonna be a great week. It has to be - it's my last at the original place of bad-ju-ju. And as insurance against the BJJ, there's chocolate sauce and 2 squeezy bottles for tomorrow.

Put a Sock on It Charlie!

I got woken up at 3 am yesterday morning. By none other than Charlie.

Seriously - that was the last straw. I know, the last straw should have been a week ago. But well... the buttery residue from the flattery didn't quite all washed out yet. Fortunately, waking me up at 3 did the trick.

I mean, I tried the polite thing, though WhiteBoy says I didn't have to. And yeah - in the haze of sleep, the polite thing went out the window. And I have my fingers, ears and toes crossed that THAT did the trick.

So go on Charlie - Put a sock on it! Bugger off and don't freaking darken my mobile phone again.

Not even when you've finally learnt the meaning of the word R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

You Know You Can Die Happy When...

I just had to write this down right now cos no other moment would fit it, quite properly. And it's the realisation as to why WhiteBoy says when he reaches 33, he wants to grow old like me. Cos you know you can die happy when:

1) You look back upon your job and feel an immense sense of achievement in a very short period of time.

Everyone has said that education is a big change from F&B. But I correct their thinking that F&B is my background, when Education is. This present job that I am leaving, was my fresh experience. But for everyone to think otherwise - I have done my job well.

2) You can sit with your last ex-boyfriend and the woman he is going to marry, on the eve of his birthday, and with her, drink a toast to his turning a year older.

Pups and I will always have a quirky relationship that quite possibly, no one other than Nat can understand and appreciate. And tonight, I'm glad I am not out having drinks with some dude, but instead, exchanging opinions about the Euro Cup and how the kids are faring with Pups and Nat.

3) Your boss is gonna host a party at a seafood restaurant, inviting every person in the deparment to it.

Now, even at Fairview, where I worked for 4 years, we only had butter cake and tea. So this - this is a testament of where I stand in the entire scheme of things. And their appreciation over all the sweat, tears and love I have put into growing their business.

4) You have someone who chooses your friendship over everything else.

And this is my realisation about the Bear. No need to say anything more about that. That's a whole different blogsite which is now silent cos Barbsie and the Bear will go down in history as the bestest buddies ever.

And last but not least...

5) You have lil wonders, in both the physical and metaphoric sense of the word.

My angels, who cried when they hear I've lost my voice cos they didn't know how to get it back. And Monday, who is everything but what everyone thinks he ought to be.

For that, and many more, I cannot for the life of me, fathom why once, many moons ago, when I sat down to write about the same, I could only list things I hate.

I am loved. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

It's Almost Time

I've just been reading all my blog posts labelled "Work". Yes - feeling just that little bit melancholic tonight. Can't really blame me, I have 2 days left to go in my workplace. And I had to say my first rounds of good-byes today already. Add to that, I had to bust two rings of conspiracy to soak, dunk and wash-me-down in butchers' waste, flour and rotten eggs.

It's finally sinking in that I'm leaving.

My new boss told me when I signed my new contract, that the first two months, I'll suffer from a culture shock. She was referring to the hours that she keeps, which is strictly a 9-to-5 timing. But now as I walk towards that direction, it's gonna be a whole lot more than just the hands on the face of a clock.

Someone once remarked to me, that as we grow older, we don't really have friends. We end up having colleagues who become our friends. And sometimes, if we're really lucky, they also become our second families. And that's what I feel as though I'm leaving behind.

I started out there, when both the hospital and my employing company were just lil growing buds. We now do not have sufficient space in our HQ and my outlets have more people coming from the outside to eat, than internal staff itself.

It has been a rough and rocky ride. And everyone says moving on is the best thing for me. I do not disagree with it. Yet as I sat at both Tarik Cafe and Galleria this afternoon, taking it all in.. for a moment, I cannot help but think - Is it?

I don't have very much left to do in the next few days. I plan to surrender my notebook on Monday evening. Gotta have my group pictures taken Monday as well cos some of my boys won't be around Tuesday.I also plan to go round the many departments and wish everyone well and say "Thank You."

There's also the standing arrangement with the whole department to meet on Tuesday evening at 4.45 pm at the Receiving Bay in some really old clothes and my flip flops, ready to be pelted with rotten eggs, and washed down with butcher's waste.

Gotta show my replacement around the place and do some handover, but all my babies have been adopted and passed over. And it was hard - hard to hand over things that I built with my sheer grit and determination, to someone else to look after.

I think I shall do all that on Monday so that Tuesday, I can spend the whole day, sitting in both my outlets once again (and maybe even my former baby The Prinz) and just take it all in again.

I have earned that right. And besides the living and breathing, I have to bid farewell to my three babies which I grew from a blank sheet of paper, into what they are today.

This now belongs to you. Grow it and watch over it with all you have. Do not let me down.

The Brain Messer-Upper

It’s been an awfully long day…. And I can’t believe that I just got home at half past 3 in the morning on a working day night. What Was I Thinking?!

GarlicBoy’s got a mate in town. Cute looking bloke with shaggy hair and a rather sexy Aussie accent. Pretty fun too! And so, the Three Stooges of the department are showing the boy about town. Definitely in red from Bar Twenty.One to No.Black.Tie to Sky Bar and just only Velvet Underground. Before you wonder further – yes I am making up for months of non-clubbing, as in serious dancing!

It has been great fun, and Lord knows I have needed this break to just chill out and unwind. Yet.. all the time in the club, which was steaming with people (being Mumbo-Jumbo night!), all I could do was nurse a drink and be bored. Seriously? Seriously!

Maybe it was the fact that my alcohol tolerance level has gone up - 1 vodka, 1 champagne cocktail, 1 Long Island and 2 tequilas - the floor didn’t even move! Maybe it was the fact the music was good but the dance floor a tad bit too crowded. Maybe it was the fact that there were two decent looking chaps getting right on heavy and all smack in front of me.

Or maybe, just maybe, it was cos Monday was out of town and couldn’t make it. (Yes – believe it or not, the I-do-not-text-unless-in-reply Rule went out the window. I mean, come on – Sky Bar is just across the road! I had a legit rationale to it *grin*)

I should really just pack it in, have a shower and go to bed – after all, my staff is gonna ring me at half 6 to make sure I get in by 8 later. But I know that even as I do all that, sleep is gonna elude me for a bit… Cos right now, all I want is to see a certain smile from a certain face, with them sparkling eye and the roughed up hair… and all I want is to have those arms hold me to sleep.

I am so freaking screwed in this certain instance, aren’t I? I’ve let him dog-gone done and screwed up my whole freaking brain now!

De-activation

There's something to be said when one wakes up in the morning and consciously go thru the various pages one checks out in the morning and remove themselves from it all. Pups would know what I mean here. And while there is nothing seriously concrete to warrant this on my part... I still want it done.

And It.Is.Done.

Sex in Shrink Wrap

Monday and I made a bet last week over the Netherlands and Italy game. Needless to say, with Van Der Sar and Van Nistelrooy playing for the Orange, I was rooting for them to win, while Monday believed that Italy would prevail in the face of the young. The stakes ~ a present to the winner under 20 bucks. Apparently mine was sex in a shrink wrap.

Fortunately, it turned out to be a bloke-lit fiction entitled What Men Think About Sex. *Phew* And contrary to some "hidden meaning behind the title", it's just a plain simple British humour fiction. Which happens to be what I'm into right now in reading (Stephen Clarke and the Merde series!)

So far, I’ve been able to read quite a fair bit of it, in between ciggie breaks and all, and I’d have to say – this book is spot-on! Light-hearted with occasional wanderings off into the philosophical and the workings of the male brain, it’s also filled with frequently-heard-from-Barb type phrases. Top it all off – it’s written in a manner, pretty similar to my own style. And I'm wondering where in heaven's name did Monday 1) find this book and 2) find the time to find a book right up my alley!

It’s a pretty big co-incidence actually – this book and Charlie. Being a person who speaks before the brain filter kicks in, I of course, made that remark out-loud. Then do all I can to placate Monday from driving to where Charlie works and bash his brains out. (It would have been quite the sight tho – two investment bankers on a show-down!) WhiteBoy is of the opinion that it was Plain.Sheer.Stupidity. on my part for letting rip that bit. Go figure!

Anyways, as the day winds down, I think I’m gonna leave all my troubles in an old-kit bag and try to smile, smile, smile. And if I can’t – I’m sure some bits of the book is gonna somehow find its way in making me laugh.

Attitude Charlie

Okay. This one is coming on ChemicalShooter cos GarlicBoy says it's Blog-worthy-material.

It's been a hellish day... with staff playing me out and all that jazz. Worked the floor nice and hard for a solid 3 hours and walked off it at the end of service wondering if my legs could carry me any further.

And in the middle of all that, the phone beeps in my pocket. And the following was what it said: "Can I see you this evening? So need to screw you. Been screwing this sweet young thing but jerking off to you."

**Behold silence and hear the pins dropping** (Pins! Not Pants!)

Now, Charlie, as I had said before, is the Ultimate when it comes to FB-ing. And I honestly have not seen Charlie since March *ahem* and I had no doubt that Charlie had moved on as well. But this?! This takes the cake!

I mean... what the fuck was he thinking of?! That a chic is gonna be so floored that some dude is getting high on weed and wanking off to an image of her? Serious? Seriously!

GarlicBoy says Charlie takes honesty to a whole different level. I'd say this back: There is a fine line between honesty and pure stupidity. And that Charlie Boy, was Pure.Plain.Simple.Stupidity. No sane gal is gonna say yes to a proposition like that. A sweet young thing maybe - but sweet I ain't. Young I ain't either. As for the thing bit - Let's not even go there!

So anyways, here it is.. my 5-second humour of the day.. While it is flattering to note that I'm a good shag in Charlie's books, I'll have to say Pass to a free-ride to AidsVille for sure.

You're on your own for this one boy!

Metalica Wisdom

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

The clearest recollection I have of this song, is actually of Pups… sitting on the edge of his couch, with his guitar and singing this song… For some strange reason, I thought it was a really sad song (maybe cos of the tune)…

I have been asking myself one particular trend of questions this week ~ How does one know when two people have reached a point where 'moving on' is better than 'staying put'? When 'moving forward' is the way to 'move on'?

I have also been listening to this song over and over again this week.. not really reconciling why.. until now… And in one stroke… I see it now – what this song means, and how it answers my one question.

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Maybe it's cos I didn't wanna address the issue, work had become priority #1 this week past. I know, been dressing it under the guise of the impending departure and what-have-you-not. But it's simply cos I didn't wanna think anymore. Not about this anyway.

Nobody quite understands as to why.. why I'd rather leave things hanging in the air and talk about the frivolous and the everyday, when there's something more important to be discussed.

The reason is pretty simple actually - cos I think I've been a really bad judge of character, situations and the future. I mean, I've been there and done all that (and seriously, with 2 kids - it is really ALL THAT) and look where I am today. I'm not complaining about all that's happened in my life. I'm just not quite convinced it wouldn't happen again.

Yet despite all the above, I think the Bear phrased it best once, not too long ago when we first discussed this issue and I vehemently swore that it would never be. Can't seem to find the mail in which the epiphany resides.. but yeah Bear - I remember that warning now, about moving parts and fluidity.

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

So here I am, with answer in hand, standing at a threshold of Life ... to say that I am standing here and wondering if crossing over is the right choice, would not be accurate at all.. cos I'm just standing here.. and pretending that I'm not there yet...

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play

The dust bunnies have accumulated to a point where the noises they are making are becoming extremely loud and incredibly close. In the dark recesses of my mind, there is a part of me that wonders how all this bliss would eventually end and go away. I cannot foresee how it ends. And a part of me is seriously beginning to fight down the urge to bring it on – make that happen, shake the shoe till it falls off.

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
and I know

I read somewhere today that for such a thing, one has to be brave enough to look it in the eye, and strong enough to let yourself fall. Maybe that's what Mandy has always meant when she said in February that first and foremost, I need to learn to love myself before I can love or let anyone love me.

So while WhiteBoy says that it's pretty obvious I'm estatic and the world takes on a whole different hue on Monday, which progressively brightens as the day at the office draws to a close, I also have been running the opposite direction in actuality.

All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

I don't need to make a list... I don't need to think too much... I don't even need to sit Monday down in 3 days and say "We need to talk." Not now anyways. Not when I can't even take that first step and be brave or strong.

But here's the difference tonight ~ It's alright cos no one's putting a gun to my head and saying "DECIDE" right now. We'll all be pleased as punch as it is that Barbs has decided to stop pulling on the brakes and jumping off the train. As the Bro said it before - sometimes you've just gotta ride the train. I.Get.It.Now. And I think I'm just about willing to take the risk.

I'm not going anywhere and neither is Monday. And so... I don't really have to do anything with Monday, except be myself, and see where that road takes me, eh?

Nothing Else Matters
Metalica

Merde incroyable!

Sigh... This is the 4th time in an hour that I had written oodles and deleted them all away. WTF?!

Why can I not put down something real and concrete for my own blog when I have been spewing rubbish the whole day?! *Shish*.. and it's not them Turkish Kebabs either!

I'll just give up on it and go fry some bacon to slap on my bread and call it a day.

Tomorrow... tomorrow I think I'll demand control back on my own sanity.

Planning.. Strategically?

God works in mysterious ways they say... I say - He sure does! I mean.. how else can I rationalise waking up at 4 am and instead of doing my usual (sitting on the balcony and talking to the moon), I ended up fying bacon and eggs, and finishing my book (Oh Stephen Clark! Must read! Merde indeed... or Actually!!!) And mind you - the former, habitual behaviour would have been the sure-bet in this instant... sheep and all that jazz.

Anyways, it's been a weary long day that started at 20 past 6 and ended 1/2 past 5. And, I didn't do any of the things I had listed down to complete today. Instead, I learnt how to do Cashiering and Hostessing, right and proper! A bit late in the day, seeing how it's T-14.

Coming back... yesterday I ranted about letting my boys and girls drown. Drown indeed they did! And not the struggle-struggle-bubble-bubble type of drowning... more of the sinking-straight-to-the-bottom type instead. *Sigh* If only I can stand by and watch - keep it at spectator sport level. Obviously I didn't (and why are you not surprised?!)

I think my boss is also pushing the panic button, rapidly. Cos I've been getting mails about needing this and that done - which just adds on to my objectives for this quarter - like I give a blessed damn! Nonetheless, as my former mentor told me - don't leave things half-baked - it will get done... within the 14 days time-frame.

Among these new items include participating in the department's Strategic Planning exercise, scheduled for Friday and Monday, 3 pm. Oh ~ So.Not.Good. And he has specified that we are go to armed and ready for brainstorming. Translation - come with full tummy, tumbler of coffee and empty bladder. And these 2 sessions will then lead to a working luncheon next Thursday with the Grand Madame and the rest of the department.

Now seriously - why should I spend at least 15 hours of my time, participating in something, creating a master plan, in which I will have no control over its success or failure?! Add on to that, being the Morning Manager on Monday, it would literally mean I'd be doing another 14 hour (at least) day at the office. On.A.Monday. Seriously? Seriously!

I have utter respect for the big Swiss German dude. Despite everything, I do, honestly. But when he sinks to this level - I think I need my head examine. Imean, an SP session is one that is highly confidential and limited to only those privy to high-level information. I am freaking leaving - turning in my season pass, access card and pager type leaving! WTF?!

*Fume* *Fume* *Fume*.... Ponder.... Or is he trying to teach me one final lesson before I go? Milk the cow for what its worth before you lead it to the slaughter house *hmmmm*... Nah, I doubt it. Afterall, with 8 managers to his belt, my presence surely wouldn't be missed, right?

Strategic Planning eh?... Well, Boss - all I've gotta to say is this: Anyone can google and give you the solution to your problems. All you need are the right keywords. Cos if I am going to be made to go spill my brains for 15 hours over 3 sessions, I'm gonna make damn well sure I don't have to reinvent the wheel!

Yeah.. I think I'm gonna tell him that... and conclude it with a wink and a gun-finger and walk off saying "Here's looking at you kid!"

Floundering Sheep

I'm thinking of calling my mum up.. and asking her if she thinks I would ever be happy again...

It's been one of those days... the ones where you wished you stayed in bed, with the curtains closed, the doors remaining locked and the phone shut off... Unfortunately, despite coughing like a cow and sneezing till kingdom come, I trudged off to work nonetheless.

Just when I think it's all cut and dried with the champagne chilling already, I get a message from the boss's wife, asking me if I would reconsider leaving. I know they have not found someone to replace me as yet, and I know my boss is now thinking of someone I recommended. But to throw me this curve ball at this late hour of the day? What gives?

3 Tuesdays from today, I would be heading home from my new job. Monday asked me last night, if I was ready for it - the leaving and the going into. My honest answer - I have refused to think about that day cos I don't think I'm ready to. His caution: better start thinking about it now cos it ain't far off.

As always, Monday is right. I have to harden my emotions and let go of that string. If my boys and girls drown, it's their own doing cos I have given all I can give. If they haven't learnt fast enough, it's not cause I'm a bad teacher. If everything I built in the last 15 months collapses after I walk, it was never mine to begin with.

I can tell myself a thousand reasons why I should look forward to the end of this tunnel with a cheerful stride. That this new step I am taking - I would be building something that would be partly mine. But believing in what I say is a whole different ballgame, ain't it?

I should be, right now, cheered up cos Monday just rang - and it's a rare chance that he does. It should perk me up, especially when I have been walking around with a lil glum Monday cloud over my head the whole day, thinking I have said something that didn't go down well with him. Even then, I am still blue.

Maybe I should go home.. go sit with my kids and my folks.. But i'm afraid.. afraid that my mum will again ask me to share with her what I have been dreaming about.. I might end up telling her that sometimes my heart hurts so much, I wanna rip it out with my own hands.. and if I said that outloud to her... I might truly fall apart and she might fall apart with me.

And so... I think... I think I shall just dose up on another round of meds, watch the sun go down and go to sleep...

Tomorrow's a different day. Hopefully the floundering would stop by them. And if it doesn't - just slaughter the damn sheep and put her to sleep.

To be or not to be...

It's a topsy-turvy day that began when my alarm went off at half 6. I think I went back to sleep - as always. Then woke up and decided, I'm at the tail-end of my stint and I'm not feeling well. I should just call in sick. And so I did.

And as I sat down to breakfast and a whole candy-store of medicines for my cold and my elbow, I suddenly felt sad. Or was it fearful. One or the other, I can't remember. In anycase, I have decided that I have gone slightly mad today.

And... I think I just found the reason to... I'm done holding it together for the month.

Don't wonder why people go crazy.
Wonder why they don't.
In face of what we can lose in a day,
in an instant,
Wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together.

Going Green

en·vy ~ noun

1. A feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.
2. A longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another

It is apparently one of the seven deadly sins. I am using the term "apparently" cos the Bible doesn't exactly states that these are the seven that would condemn you straight to hell. In any case, it is a wrong-doing in the eyes of God.

So anyways, I am gonna burn in hell for this then yes... going green.. and for the silliest of reasons as well, and of people I know exist but do not know personally.

I'll hear you laugh
I'll see you smile
I'll be with you just for a while
But when the morning comes
And the sun begins to rise
I'll lose you

So.Not.Good. What am I gonna do with Monday?

Ow.. Ow.. Ow..

Yeay it's Saturday already! Like I said earlier this week, time would just fly by and before I know it, it'll soon be Monday.

I am a little concern tho, that this Monday would be a wash-out. Not cos of anything else other than the fact that I am still having the sniffles, which is progressing quite rapidly into a head cold and throat infection. Plus the fact that I can barely bend my left arm.

Went to watch futsal last night - this Euro Mini-Tournament thingy and had 2 players from Croatia and TNT crash into the net and me. My elbow to be specific. And now it hurts like hell.

Hmmm... I think I should do something about both... I have not waited 6 long days to have my Monday ruined. ... Until then, I'll just "ow" away.

It's Definitely June Already

I have only been awake for half hour but here are the wonderments of life so far...

The True Guru Of..

Got a call at 5.46 am. Stupidly picked up without looking at the caller ID. This was what the voice said, "Good morning. It's almost six. Time to wake up and stop by before going to the office." I think I laughed. I most likely did. If I didn't - I should have! Anyways, said person - I think he needs his head checked. Seriously checked. By a professional. Or else, write a book and call it The Art of Being a Master FB.

Food Psychology of ...

My Best Buddy told me this morning that his burger (which is from my restaurant) was the worst so far he's had. And I am really confused by that cos I had the same burger, made at the same time with his and mine was delicious! We've not changed the recipe, plus the process was over-seen by a lot of senior chefs.

I'm not denying that maybe our food can sometimes be bad - I have had bad food thrown back at my staff before by my own self. But, this burger thing - it's been progressively sliding downhill in his books. And I think with that one last night, I'm done trying out redemption. We'll just go for refund instead.

After all, with food - there's a certain amount of psychology involved in it. And I think this bun's reached the end of its line.

Acceptance & Moving On

The Grand Madame of the workplace rung me not too long ago. Something bout one of my boys. She wanted him removed. But yet, she didn't want me to do it ~ my guys have got to learn how to deal with things. While I am kinda pissing in my pants over what has happened before I woke up, I am also mightily calm about it in the same token. She's right. With less than a month to go, she's gotta start storing THEIR phone numbers in her mobile so they get their arses chewed out instead.

I am so pleased. She is right ~ It is cause for celebration! And yeah - she's even bringing the champagne!

An Ill Day Ahead

And so, as I wrap up this post for this morning, in between the sniffles and the sneezes ~ I am quite horribly ill right now, all thanks to a certain day of the week! ~ I can't help but wonder what else today would bring my way... Oh well - they don't call em Spring Bunnies for no reason eh?

It's definitely June already!

Time versus...

It's been a dreadfully long day. It's almost midnight and I've just gotten home from work. This.Is.Not.A.Life! Add to that - it was quite irritating that a normal journey home at this hour took twice the time due to cars lining up to tank up.

Yes - our government (whom I firmly believe have gone to the dogs) announced today a reduction in the fuel subsidy, thus increasing petrol prices by MYR 0.78 per litre. I betcha the announcement came in close to knock-off time as that was when nearly all mobile phones in the office went on a rampage of *beeps*

There are pros and cons towards the reduction of the subsidy ~ it might cause people to think twice before buying a bigger, more luxurious car that they can barely afford. It might also cause people to start taking the train to work or car pool. Lord knows our small city has enough of smog ~ according to Monday, it's all plain CO2 out there for us.

The cons would be that it adds to an already increasing level of living in my country. What with the rice shortage and all, a meal out easily knocks MYR 7 off your wallet. I can imagine the conversations that have been, and would be going on about this, and how difficult it's become to make ends meet. Oh and about the country going to the dogs.

While I recognise the fact that this would impact my lifestyle somewhat, I, however did not join the queues of cars that took 20 minutes of my rest time tonight in the delay getting home.

And the reason is quite simply this: I have about another 125 kilometres to go out of my current tank. On average, my lil WiNK mobile does mileage of 450 kilometres out of 30 litres. If I joined the queue, I would have saved about MYR 16.90 for today but it would mean that I'd probably spend 45 minutes waiting in line. Add that to the 20 minutes it's already costed me - you go do the math.

So yeah - being the stubborn arse that I am, I came straight home instead. Cos seriously - an hour of my time, is worth more than MYR 16.90. Afterall, that translates to 2 1/2 packs of my fags. So I'll smoke less that amount this week. I'd probably gain 250 minutes of productivity in that process of smoking less as well.

So there you have it folks. I am not in favour of the country being ran by dogs, but hey! Life - it's all about comparative perspective.

Said Quietly

I have officially been awake for coming close to 24 hours. Crawled to work at 6 yesterday morning with only 2 hours of sleep and I am still wide awake now, almost 2 in the morning.

My mum was right – when she said I have been alone for too long. But she’s right in a way that I don’t think she knows, realizes. Being alone, has taught me to recognize things in an acute manner that I never did before. Maybe it’s because I am finally comfortable with myself, that I am more aware of my surroundings.

What I recognize tonight is this – there are some people that I clicked with instantly and in a level that went way beyond that which most people try achieving. Bear, Mandy, Pups are these people. They are the people that I know who would catch me when I fall off a chair, or at least laugh with me about it. Trust was built in a moment and has lasted. But this thingy with Monday – it’s different and I am slowly beginning to appreciate it for what it is.

Maybe I have always jumped into things, and sometimes it leaves me with battle scars without really knowing why and breaking flower pots that don't belong to me. Or else it leaves me with a bitter after-taste for my condo complex.

It’s not a rat race against time – time is nothing but a perspective that one holds. Bear told me once that you can know a person as well in an hour of play, as in a lifetime. It all depends on your concept of quality and quantity.

I have known Monday for 3 months now, and while it isn’t life changing, I would have to say that Monday has been a breath of fresh air. Last week this time, I was ecstatic ~ could hardly contain myself. Tonight, it’s a quiet calm and Monday became somebody that I sit and talk with, not to. Something’s to be said to the barrier of a name. Feels as though something’s different – in a calmer, quieter note.

All that pent up anger and disgust over the last few days have dissipated. Being the dark and twisted soul that I am, I am wondering where they have all gone to. Did I have an epiphany when I felt that it would all disappear when I tell Monday about it? And if it’s possible that this one person could blow them away and make them seem insignificant, with his questions, not answers or opinions?

And so as the clock turns the hour to 2 am… as I get ready to pack up and head to bed… as Monday drives home with a fever that’s fast burning up… I recognise the following:

1. I don’t always have to drive fast.
2. I don’t always have to have a black-and-white moment of answers.
3. If I have to work hard at making work work out, then I have to apply the same principles to life as well.

What I deem as effort on my part is merely my own interpretation of it. I think if you ask Monday, between his first hot meal in a week (and he’s a hot meal freak) and knowing something about me that he didn’t know before (like how I envision my kids turning out), he’d place the latter as my effort.

I don't have to tell ya this - I think you'd figured it out by now for yourself - the week's gonna fly by and before I know it - It's gonna be Monday yet again. And it's nice to know that no matter how my week turns out, Monday will come round again in 6 days. While it may use to rattle my nerves that it's 6 days away - tonight, it doesn't.

It's nothing but time. And what is time when mere hours make the days in between disappear.

Fish Sticks & Frog Legs!!

Honestly, I think people set out to ruin my day, week AND LIFE! WHAT-THE-FUCK?!

I have just received some very not happy news - NOT HAPPY AT ALL! The one person that I do not ever wish to see, hear off or even be within a hundred metres radius has just very nicely informed me that he has moved into my condo complex.

I'll freaking say it again - WHAT-THE-FUCK?!

Of all the thousands of establishments, he had to bloody go choose mine! This is well and truly shoving his face up the wrong alleyway.

I'll never feel safe going to the shop or my car ever again. I'll have to make sure I do not run out of food or cigarettes. I have to find another place to take my kids swimming.

My life here is ruined! RUINED! All because some idiot didn't have more sense to go "Nah - I shouldn't live in the same place as her." FUCKING HELL!

This is precisely why I choose to rent than buy. At least if it gets bad, I can terminate my lease and move.

I'm gonna have to say it again - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Some Things...

I'm snippy today. I've been biting people's heads off with nasty words and retorts. I woke up on the right side of the bed.... But the day has been a wash out, thru and thru.

I hate it when this happens. When you've waited a really long time for something to happen, and it does, but not in the way you had thought it to be.

Some things.. no matter how many years are in between... they just don't change.

I didn't wait all these years to find it now today. And no, I do not want to talk about it as well.