Watch the World Come Alive

I wish I could put down into words, what it feels like to be alive today.... like the wealthiest person on the face of this earth.

Today - this could be - the greatest day of our lives!

Ordinary and Extraordinary

o∙ver∙whelm ~ verb (used with object)

To overcome completely in mind or feeling.

I have had about a whole day to digest:

• The present explained and the past shared,
• Thoughts exchanged and dreams woven,
• Questions asked and answers given,
• Hands held and hugs lavished,
• Fears allayed and peace obtained

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away

To cover or bury beneath a mass of something, as floodwaters, debris, or an avalanche; submerge.

Everything came together… Sentences finished by the other, without any leading on… The allowance of being one true’s self, without any mask… Emotions felt without it being portrayed.

I am wondering if there were some kind of unseen force, moving about the house last night – the energy levels just swept you away on every account, and it pulled you the harder you tried to fight it, unless exhausted and resigned, you give in to it carrying you along.

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now

To load, heap, treat, or address with an overpowering or excessive amount of anything

I am sitting here, and I am sobbing. I am drowning in a sea of joy, an ocean of comfort, a heaven full of confidence, a valley of peace, and also a forest of acute loss. Each and every emotion so sharp it lifts me, so deep I feel the physical pain.

To overpower or overcome, esp. with superior forces; destroy; crush

I started out being the pom-pom girl, the cheer-leader ~ I ended up being the one rallied to carry on. He broke me ~ Broke me completely with simple words. All the words that we have all sought to quell my dust-bunnies, my demons: he had them all.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you

When you consciously relinquish your trust to somebody else, is when you realize that there are bigger things in this world than you. I have always heard it said that if you allow it, life will surprise you. But I never expected it to be this way or in this form. I was always the giver of words, but I’ve been a stranger to receiving them. Which is why this has to be recorded down here.

You and me
We can ride on a star, we can light up the sky
If you stay with me girl, if you stay by my side
We can rule the world

I have always known deep down inside, despite all the self-doubt and fears, that I was not ordinary. I didn’t think I’d live to see and hear the day when it’s said that not only am I extraordinary, but I make someone else extraordinary as well.

I have only one wish tonight – and that was that I could paint. Cos no amount of words can paint the clarity of this picture for you. A picture of someone once broken, slowly being pieced back together again.

"I won't let you fall ~ trust me on this."

Rule the world
~ Take That ~

Time to Sew

How do I know?

Because this time, it's about ME - doing it for myself.

Because this time, I am going back to the moments when I got stuck and getting unstuck there and then, so that history rewrites itself to my present and my future.

Because this time, I am being ME and I'm not afraid of it, nor are the crowds laughing at me.

I cannot find the words to describe this whole thing. I have been sitting here for a while now, and I can't. And I'm questioning if I even want to. For sometimes, some things do not need words to define it. To put words to them would lessen its value.

This is one of them.

I understand now what it means when it is said: I am everything, and I am nothing.

Getting There

I asked my friend a most interesting question last week: Do you think I ought to seek out a psychiatrist? His reply: Only if you think you need prescribed medicinal help. Otherwise, you’d be alright with just someone to guide you in a structured thinking manner.

I spent my lunch, sitting by the steps leading to my building, with my coffee on my side, cigarette in hand and book in lap. I’m currently reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho and it’s making me see, think and feel things in a way that connects in my present frame of mind.

The Bear, who has been away, has been catching up on my postings and it has been a lot. But the truth is: NONE of them were rants! Writing has always been a form of therapy to me. When I sit down and write a posting for my blog, it reaches into the deepest recesses of my mind and encapsulates all that I think, feel and fear into words. And it is only here that I feel most comfortable letting it all out, in the manner that it has manifested itself. Cos the things that I think, feel and fear - they are not things which people talk about ordinarily.

I have to say this and say this here: I feel like I’m going on a different road – the road less traveled. One where the aim is to find the things that have made me stuck, standing still and admitting that I am stuck, and staring that acomodador in the eye and then moving on.

Saying “I don’t know why” or “I don’t want to talk about it” or “If I stay very still, it will pass me and go away” is no longer good enough. It drains me, it destroys me. I destroy me. And I give up control of myself to me.

I want this so badly, I can taste it in my mouth, feel it in my gut. But it doesn’t happen overnight. Even realizing something is not going to change things immediately. I have to mull it over, let it rip, let it out – over and over and over again, until it FEELS like the someone else’s story.

Then, and only then, will I know I’m there.

In Hidden Places

I had a bit of a tough time deciding what to do for dinner. I have a freezer full of food, but yet, the thought of coming home, fixing a plate and plunking in front of the telly did not appeal. Not today.

In that space of time, whilst driving from out from church, deciding which roads to take, I thought of all the people who, like me, were deciding what to do for dinner. To say that it comforted me - knowing I was only one soul amongst millions, it did not. To say that it sadden me - knowing that I do not have anyone to ask "What shall we do tonight?", it did not.

Not too long ago, each time the kids went away, I would fill my days with endless activities - just so I didn't have to do these things by myself. Not too long ago, each time my then-circle of friends had their own plans, I would go without food. Not too long ago, come Friday nights, I would ring up people I do not normally speak to, to ask "What's going down tonight?"

I am not thinking too much. I am thinking with a purpose - an intent to spring clean and clear out well and good, the thoughts that should be thought of. Some of them are pretty as peach, but most are nothing but rotten potatoes. I am seeking wisdom and guidance in all the places and things that are around me. I have to sort out the good from the bad, the worth remembering from the devil's advocates.

And I came across this that said: This will pass. But it is not in the main posting itself that I found some ounce of wisdom worth remembering, but in one of the comments were it says: My love, you must always remember, that everything in this World, good or bad, has an end.

I have never known reconciliation with the word "end", the finality of it all. Maybe I should - make peace with this lil word. For that which ENDS, it will have a this that will BEGIN.

Author's Note:

If you have not read any of Paulo Coelho's books, and you're floundering in life like I am, maybe you should pick up a copy. And my hope for you tonight, is that you will find words and phrases so often said to, and heard of, shining thru in a fashion that makes sense, bringing peace and depth of understanding.

34 and counting

My parents celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary yesterday. Imagine that - 34 years!

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here

I suppose it is something I often take for granted. Simply cos I do not really come from a circle of family friends their generation, where things don't work out. Even if it has broken down, they persist with it, till time naturally runs out.

If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I sometimes sit and compare my parents' generation with my own. How much more tenacity they seem to have. And how the word "vow" has the meaning to which it has been assigned.

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I'll be here

Sure, my folks have their fights. Some days, my brother would ring me up and go "Dad's at his wits end on this cold war that Mum has started." Some days, my mum would be wiping down the dining table and going "Your F.A.T.H.E.R!"

Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I will be here

Life has not been easy for my folks. And I wonder, if they were of my generation, I seriously do not think they would still be together, after all the crap that they have gone thru.

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

I will be here

A lot of people have been wondering the value, purpose and meaning of LIFE. Must be all that Oprah that goes on. And more often than nought, we hear that "all the successes in the world would be worthless, unless you had someone to share it with." And I ask myself - is marriage really a pillar, against which we should benchmark our success in life, and living? And how does that affect your success indicators, if it doesn't work out?

I will be here... When you feel like bein' quiet
When you need to speak your mind ~ I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin
'Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'
We'll be together cause I will be here

I am at this point in my life, where I am only just starting to understand what it means to 'love myself'. And looking back, the longest relationship I have ever had, lasted as long as it did, simply because we were too far apart for it to crumble. I do wonder, if I would be as blessed as my parents, to be surrounded by grandkids, in-laws, to be celerating even a 10th wedding anniversary at any point in the future. Right now, it's one of those things that fall into the 'unforseeable future' category.

I will be here....You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older, I will hold you
I will be here ... To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

If there is one thing that I have learnt, watching and living with the two grown-ups that I can my parents, it would be that marriage is something you've gotta keep working at. But no matter how bad, or how long a spell of a patch is, it is never worth the sacrifice of giving up the many blissful, ordinary days just for the pain to be over and done with for the moment. Cos living a lifetime without - it's just unimaginable.

The White Elephant in the Room

There are two key things you need to know about me, if you are to continue reading the Shooter, and understand anything of it; of me.

I do not want my mind / thoughts to spiral out of control each time I hit a brick wall.

I have been walking around for years, feeling ashamed. Ashamed of my own stupidity 8 years ago.

If anyone were to ask me, what I consider the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life, I would tell them, it was for not asking the right questions at the right time. For being so naïve as to believe that everyone in the world was as pure of heart as I was.

I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore.

I have been able to brush off the question of “How did you end up with two kids by the same chap and not be married?” Easy! He was already married to begin with. I do not consider myself a home-wrecker. Sure, I was the ONE that his ex found out about. But in all honesty, I was just that – the one he got found out with.

I did not see it coming. Truly! All my friends asked me over and over again – "Are you sure?" And it didn’t occur to my educated head to ask the king source himself. I don’t know. And when I did find out, it was a bit too late as Lydia was already on the way.

I want my children to know that despite not having a normal family, their lives can still be normal.

Sure, we could have made it work. We sure were trying our guts out to. How could you not when you share a child between the both of you? Days were long and hard – two adults and a child surviving on my salary. That’s how I know how far a couple of thousands can stretch in a month.

They always say, you learn from your mistakes. And I was so determined to this time round that I consistently asked. Asked to the point it wore him out. And when someone who didn’t make life that eventful or tedious came along, he took the easy way out. *Cue the drum roll* AGAIN, I did not see it coming. How could you, when you have your son on the way?

For the last 6 years, “asking” has been for me a damn if you do, and damn if you don’t situation. Maybe people mistake it as me being 'restful'. And the toil it has taken on me to be this restful – only a handful know. For because I cannot vocalize my thoughts, my curiosity, my gut feel – I go on a self-induced spiral of “What-ifs” scenarios that ends in the only outcome I know: me failing.

There will always be things beyond my control and IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Last week, when I dipped, I didn’t think of popping the entire bag of valium on the dining table (yes, I am fast achieving Charlie’s dining habits!), nor did I wonder how many times I would need to throw myself off the balcony before I could no longer get up. But here’s the scary thing – I sat on my balcony, with a lit fag in my hand, and watched it go towards the billowing balcony sheer curtains, wondering how long I had to hold it there before it catches fire.

They say, you always treat the disease and not the symptoms. I guess we’ve all been going about it the wrong way – pining the blame at the doors of people with names. When at the heart of it, it was my name and my shame.

No one can control my life’s direction except MY OWN SELF

They asked, 'Why are you always your biggest critic?” So here you have it folks – the answer. Cos I let MY OWN SELF down.

I am not going to wake up tomorrow arriving at that ‘point’ – the point where we all wanna be at. It takes time. I acknowledge that now.

I AM UNIQUE.

I have 3 pieces of blank big square paper stuck on the wall on my dining room (and don’t worry – I used blue-tack since I’m moving soon). Two of them are filled with post-it notes in all sorts of colours. One of them has a header but is blank.

I will not doubt myself – my abilities, my judgment, my decisions.

It doesn’t have to be blank. But I have left it blank. I cannot complete that last one. I can try and I have tried. But at the end of the day, what I have tried to do was based on my assumptions. And on this sheet – assumptions are not going to fly. And I am going to say as much. For while I feel like my assumptions did not fall too far from the tree, I cannot say I am 100% sure.

I will not fear the future and happiness.

And I am not going to go by the fly of the seat of my pants anymore. Nor do I want to live in doubt or play multiple-choice questions. It is not my responsibility to fill in the answers. But it is my responsibility to ask the questions.

The brick walls are there to stop the
people who don’t want it badly enough.
They are there to stop the other people.

Randy Pausch

I will believe that I too deserve to have a joyful and meaningful life.

Photo Shot

Today, while I was in my car, enroute to church, I had stopped in front of a yellow box, behind a long line of cars. All about me were grumpy looking people, trying to inch their way out the traffic mess that has ensued after the brief rain (Yes - when it rains, we forget how to drive right!). But to my left, was an African young couple (college-looking), trying to have their lovey-dovey picture taken ~ together ~in front of the water feature of the condo complex. I watched the image thru the display screen which was facing me, and I knew it was gonna be horribly awful ~ the girl was much shorter and the guy was the one holding the camera.

I watched as the lights turn green and readied to move. And when traffic lost their senses again, I decided - screw it and put my passenger window down and called out to them. I told the guy - I could help you do it again, if you want by prompting you where to move. And so, in the midst of all the grumpiness - we did it and the picture was one that put a smile on his girl's face - at least there's all of her in it now.

I didn't do very much except shout "A bit lower!" and "To the left, to the left - NO! MY left!" But, many years from now, they might come across this picture and remember how hard they tried to get it right. And perhaps, they might remember the weird girl in a wee WiNK mobile who had put down her window and shouted directions.

That's what living is all about isn't it? Finding opportunities to create simple pleasures that might eventually bring much joy.

And so, while I may have missed out on a few hundred buckeroos by not buying my lotto numbers - It has been a great day, nonetheless!

All About Shoes

I went out tonight. With a guy friend and 3 of his friends. To sit and watch them play pool in a fancy joint as I sipped my Diet Coke.

During the course of the night, 2 of the chappies had a conversation in Cantonese, wondering where the "chics" were. One of them pointed to me in the corner, and the other replied "She doesn't count." At this point, I couldn't help myself but burst out laughing and asking in English, "Pray tell why I am discounted."

Apparently according to my friend, if I had on a skirt and a pair of sling backs, I would definitely have qualified. And the funny thing was - as I got dressed in my torned jeans, and a simple top, I made a conscious choice to put on my Crocs (with its Leprechaun, Mickey Mouse Hand and Brother Bear Paw jibbetz) instead of my heels.

I have been pondering on a lot of things today. And had a long honest chat with one of my old friends by phone. And as I brushed my teeth just, I looked at myself in the mirror and the face looking back at me - it wasn't all too bad, afterall.

I think I am finally at that point in life where I don't need to put on a short skirt, a slinky top and a come-hither pair of heels to have a good time out. As the night wound down and we downed out 'teh tariks', these guys were my friends, and that's all well and good by me. This doesn't mean that I would allow myself to degenerate to the point of being an 'Ah Soh'. But at the end of the day, I am who I am, and it really shouldn't matter very much what I had on the 1st time or everytime you see me.

So while it may be all about them shoes - this girl is saying "I'll put on them shoes when I feel like putting on them shoes."

From Others

A long time ago, I met this copy-writer from one of the international agencies. Over drinks, as he learnt that I blogged, he called me a "whiner" and that my blog writing was my silent call for help.

I wouldn't exactly disagree with him. But these days, I'd like to think that it is my connecting point to the world out there ~ if someone chances across my blog, and can relate to something that I've written - I would have somehow made that person feel less alone.

I am staring at a weekend ahead alone. A lost weekend without my kids. My friend asked me this morning what would I be doing and I gave him a long list of things. But I'm pretty sure none of it would work out cos everyone in my social circle have become accustomed to leaving me alone on weekends with my kids. I am not looking forward to the weekend in all honesty.

I know we don't have to be surrounded by people to feel less lonely. But the bottom line is: people need people, no matter how independent you place yourself to be. The feeling that someone out there can connect with you, despite everything else - it is unbelievable.

And if my blog can accomplish that, much like the way the blogs I read accomplishes with me:

then I suppose, life wouldn't be all that bad.

Thanks Paul - for the inspiring and ponderous posting this morning!

Six Words

I was scouring Amazon.com for books to buy yesterday and I came across this one book that was a collection of statements made with 6 words. No more. No less.

It has been a topsy-turvey last 24 hours. And I am fighting the urge to go to where it all began. When curiosity found the cat, killed it and hung it by the tail to the fan, without even asking if it was the right cat.

I.Don't.Want.To.Go.There

Many, many moons ago, over a cuppa Joe, someone told me - a poet needs the pain. I did not think then that it would be something that I might possibly turn into my mantra for my art of living. But looking at the events of today, I think I subsciously already have.

Despair. Pain. Remember. Pain. Forget. Pain.

It is a wee funny thing how nobody I spoke to was directly on my side. Them who listened, listened and loved. In the best way they could when I am in that place. Somedays I truly think I need some happy-pill help. But then I sit back when the dust has settled, and the voices of them who love ring in my head, and it's basically that ain't it - it's all in my head. From start to finish.

Think. Right. Wrong. Lies. Truth. Ponder.

Why can't we make our own luck? Afterall, the future lies in our own hands, doesn't it? We always have a choice - to do or not to do, to speak or not to speak, to hate or not to hate, to believe or not to believe, to hope or not to hope. The last statement that was on my mind before I drifted off into euphoria-land was this: SOMEONE needs to have some hope when it comes to dealing with you. Am I always that hopeless?

Believe. Change. Try. Try Again. Harder.

I think at the end of the day, Whites said it best: Do nothing or do something. You can sit there by yourself and let all this happen to you. And no one would have been the wiser. And it is so true cos there is no way to bring up today's events without spilling the beans.

Smoke. Drink. Weep. Rage. Sleep. Silence.

I don't like being in this place. It makes me feel sick. Diseased. Less than what I am. And I don't like to swing from one end to the other either. It makes me give up control and I hate that. I can't say I do not know where to begin, for I do. But at the same time, I cannot say I am ready to begin. But I want to.

There's only so much we can help,
and so much we can hurt.
Forgive yourself.

Find. Communicate. Evaluate. Release. Go On.

Like a Phoenix

I have wasted an entire day, guzzling down vodka with apple juice ~ calling it food, alternating between ranting, raving and weeping. The skies are dark and threatening to pour down heavy. I've finally dragged myself out of bed, pushing the pull of the valium into the deep recesses of my consciousness, showered, went and got some food and downloaded some documents.

Mandy asked: It's a long time coming before you are six feet under - how many more times do you want to do this to yourself? I do not have an answer. It maybe wrong to say I did not choose this, but we all know there is always the choice. And perhaps, I once again made the wrong one.

I am pushing myself forward. There are many things I want to complete before today is over. None of them were anywhere near my mind at 2 am this morning. But nonetheless, we soldier on. Simply because we are people who do not do things half-baked, nor half-way. And if we have decided to do something, we give it our very best - because that's who we are. We can go down in history for the many things that we have done wrong. But I would also like that we go down in history for the few things we have done better than no one else.

And I am looking at the piece I have just written - a concept brief, and I am sitting here, knowing that I have captured everything that has been said in the last 2 weeks, give it a structure and give it sense. It is an immense undescribable sense of accomplishment, more so in this instance. And I know deep down in my bones that this is MY talent - this is why employers in the past have hired me, and people in the future would want to work with me.

I wrote one Sunday morning not too far back that far from here, is a Barbsie waiting for her life to begin. I had a choice this morning, and I still have a choice now. To believe in this 50 or to cast my lot with the other 50. I have yet to decide. But more importantly, I have decided I do not have to decide.

As it was said in Elizabethtown - it is the journey that is important, not the destination.

Great Expectations

Life's not a movie. And it's not in colour. It's in mono and no matter how you try to stereo it, it's still Life, and not a movie. Happy endings belong in movies. Never in real life.

Apple Juice for Breakfast

By the end of today, I'll either be blissfully happy or consciously numb. But I think I know which way that one is gonna go, so let's give it a leg-up with a nice tall glass of apple juice to get the vibes going

SS is right - I haven't done all I can, and that being out in the clear and the open is a far better place than hiding in a bubble and going la-di-dah.

Yes. Horrible things DO happen.
Happiness in the face of all of that?
That's not the goal.
Feeling the horrible and knowing that
you're not gonna die from those feelings...
THAT's the point.

Whatever the outcome is, I think I'll be alright. Cos AT LEAST I won't be grey anymore. And while this is the least responsible thingy to do, who are we kidding that everything else that I've been doing HAS BEEN the most responsible thing either?

I owe it to myself.

When Push Comes to Shove

I was doing my routine daily read of the usual online papers and this one article caught my eye.

This is Paul Nawrocki who is 59 and lives in the vicinity of New York City. He made the papers cos he's been walking around the business district with a sandwich board, advertising himself for a job. Yes - he's jobless. Monica Gagnier wrote a piece about him in Business Week last week and this is his story.

Almost every week, there would be someone I talk to who is either

1. Looking for a job
2. Knows someone who is looking for a job
3. At risk of losing their job or
4. Not making ends meet with their current paycheque.

Yet, not many of them are doing anything that puts them ahead of the rest in this restless weary world. Sure, you send your resumes out. But like the Paul says: when you're sieving through hundreds and thousands of resumes, it had better be something good that goes *bang* if you want that job.

At the end of the day, the question that beckons would be this: When push comes to shove - how far will your donkey move?! Can you see yourself doing what Paul did? Or are you gonna Chicken-Little it?

Bear of Reason

My best buddy leaves for his travel in a few hours. The last time he went away, all hell broke lose and I was floundering without an anchor.

Tis a strange relationship we have. The unlikeliest pair of best buds. I smoke too much, he doesn't smoke at all. I drink too much, he won't offer me a glass of his vintage on display. But yet, we are able to find middle ground and when push comes to shove, assume the voice of reason when all others fail.

I was spiralling out of control today. Look at the postings in the last 24 hours - need we say more. All cos I went and stuck my foot in my mouth in one silent moment too close to midnight. And needless to say, Barbsie being Barbsie - who in the words of the Bear: Barbsie is a control freak - could not sit still and wait.

Fortunately for me, my voice of reason kicked in, and I would have to say, if his office was any nearer, some actual kicking would have taken place with his sized 12 shoes. And as I close off this tiring Tuesday, I am thankful for it.

I'll try to keep on behaving Bear while you're away. Wouldn't want ya to try swimming from the Harbour right to Port Klang now.

Love ya bunches!

Land mines

Where we advance, retreat, try to remove all the land mines...

I'm in this place today. This place where nobody can reach me. I know. I couldn't find a rock, so I decided to wedge myself into this place instead. It's been a long time since I came back to this place. But you know what, it's comforting.

Just like my smelly blankey is. Or the numbness that creeps up your body as you load it up with one kind of drowsy medication after another. Or the euphoria that sweeps over you as you down one shot of vodka after another.

I must remember today. I must. For to forget it would only bring about my own downfall.

And just when you think you've won the battle,
made the world safe again.

Never again, will another person bring me to my knees and make me seek out that place. Never again, for as long as I shall live. I cannot self-destruct one more time. There would be nothing left to destroy.

Along comes another land mine.

I know I'm being irrational. And I'm probably making you feel frustrated that you can't pull me out. But you know better than to try and do that. That given time, and space, I'll find a reason to come out again. And as for the rest of you - welcome to Wisteria Lane! Hope this makes for good reading. Lord knows how boring I've been lately without my dramas and what-have-you not!

Yes, we all love Barbsie when she's dark and twisted like so. For doesn't it say in Famous Last Words:

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone

Sod It

Very occasionally, I'd go and shove my big feet into my mouth. Royally. And THIS is one of them royal instances.

*Sigh* I wanna crawl under a rock and hide.

I'd much rather face the music than the silence. Just scream at me, why don'tcha?!

Dog-gone and Done it Again

“It’s all looking good Barbs,” said Garlic as we sat there with his dinner. “I dunno, Ballz” was my reply.

Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll tell you that as much of a speed bullet I am, I am also the last person alive to take risks – big or small. I can hem-and-haw my whole life thru, if not for my brief burst of “oh heck it!”

I have had a whole weekend to think thru this new “adventure” that I have climb aboard on. One part of me says – Yeah, let’s do it! But a voice in my head still asks if THIS is what I want to do. Am I again, living out someone else’s dream for them?

There’s a whole lot of clutter in my head. And clutter is no good for a systems-driven person.

I need to know how this will play out, or at least, how it is envisaged to be played out. I need to know the hours committed; the scope and roles. I need to know how much leeway I have to move things in the right direction.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not afraid of the work that lies ahead to make this happen. In fact, as the Bear rightfully said – I welcome it with open arms cos right now, the last few months, I have been vegetating.

I just need to see the big picture so that in my own way, I can fit my lil pictures into it. Cos that’s what I do best. Alongside holding up pom-poms and uttering cheers at the tops of my voice.

I never thought I'd see this day come - this day when I'm gonna have to say seriously - Please sit down cos we need to talk. Except that maybe, all the things we're gonna have to talk about would be everything but THAT which should be said.

But then again, that's another day waiting to be written - so why am I sketching its storyboard already?

*Argh* What have I gone and gotten myself into this time?!

A Different Brand of Crazy

Garlic asked me this: How are you gonna tell your folks you're doing this?

I am still laughing at that question simply because, Garlic, is a dude who knows me well, worked with me before, knows what my character and acceptance levels are like. And he knows my folks. Hence, for him to have asked me such a question, it is a clear indication that Barbsie is stepping away from her norm.

How so, one might enquire? Well, for starters - I only deal with qualitative products, things that brings about internal pleasure. And secondly, I do not take risks - and this is a very, very big risk!

I am sitting here wondering if I am so hungry for something serious and heavy to do, hence I'm going on this adventure. Or is there somewhere in here, a person who is ready to leave her comfort zone?

Well, whatever my reasons are... I do know one thing: It's a different brand of crazy and so far, I'm kinda enjoying the ride. At some point(s) in time, there would certainly be occassions where both must agree to disagree and I must move aside. But it's a nice check and balance going on. Hence - I'm saying it's a different brand of crazy.

Maybe for once, round hole might be able to fit into a square peg.

What Sells

I read the newspapers online. And because it's the People's Paper, The Star Online is a daily must-read. As with most online newspapers, there is a "Most Viewed" column, to help those who just want the hottest bits.

Among the listing today is this article entitled: Two single mums turn to prostitution to feed kids.

At the end of the day, isn't that what you'd rather to hear about?
If you've got one drink and one friend and 45 minutes.
Slow rides make for boring stories.
A little calamity. Now that's worth talking about.

There you have it folks! I wonder where I can go get my one drink to accompany this!

Unloading Barbsie

Last Sunday, the priest at confession asked me to say something good about myself. He said I was telling him all the things I failed at. He wanted me to say something I succeeded at. Needless to say, I couldn’t.

Cos I was so hung-up over the fact that I cannot give my folks, my kids, my family the sort of life that they deserve.

Cos I was so hung-up over the fact that I have taken so many wrong turns in my 33 years of living, that it has almost ruined my life ahead.

Cos I was so hung-up over the fact that if I am not in the position of giving, I am merely a charity-basket-case.

At the end of the day, it’s always a lot easier to blame someone or something else. Cos it makes me less hung-up about my hang-ups.

It’s HIS fault that I’m here.
I have done all I can to show, the ball is now on HIS side of the court.
It just GOD’s way of playing with me.
I’m still stuck here cos THE boss can’t see just how good I am.

I was at the mamak last night with two brothers. Both of whom are in their 40s and in very different stations of life. We talked about life, about being tired and the lack of weed supply in the world. Food crisis indeed! It was meant to be a bitch-slapping session and bitch-slapped me they did when the brother from Penang asked me this: Why are you in this situation and this game of "I won’t say it, if you don't" with him?

As with tennis, when someone gives you a backhand, you volley it right back and mine was turning around and told him it was HIS entire fault. That if he hadn't told me 6 months ago that "sometimes, you've gotta ride the train", I would have gotten off the "train" then and would be fine today.

I am here, sitting in the train, watching the scenery change, the colours of the trees change, and I’m going “Wow – that’s gorgeous! I wanna be there!” but when the train pulls into the station, I sit and wait while the door opens, standing up only when the bell offs goes, signaling the doors are closing. Just so I get to the door as it closes. Just so I can say “Darn it, I was a second too late.”

And that leaves me wondering IF I am so safe in my “blame it on XYZ” blanket that I wanna just make like Linus and stay there? Cos in truth, there is nothing new that no one has told me in recent years or months, that I didn’t already know or realize: Yes, I am scared. Yes, I live in the world of “What-ifs”. Yes, I don’t think that good things CAN happen to me.

I am re-reading Tuesdays with Morrie yet again. It is the second time I am picking it up. And it was a conscious decision when I drew the book off the shelf. I wanted to be reminded that life is short, and that a meaningful life is not about a bigger car, a bigger house or more money in the bank. It’s about giving, and not just to everyone else but also to myself.

This morning, I’m all smiles cos I made the day of a former colleague by asking if he could make the birthday cake for my dad’s 60th this weekend. His comment of “Jared Cjl so excited now! Gateau le Blanc going to born this Sunday! Thanks Barb for giving me such an opportunity!” is giving me so much pleasure, I could cry. But more importantly, I realize that in giving Jared this opportunity, I am taking pleasure for myself of having done something out of the ordinary for someone else.

As it was said by my SS brother:

Sometimes you have to take some happiness for yourself.
It’s alright to say ~
“It’s now my turn to give something to myself”.

I think I shall start recognizing that sometimes, in giving, I am also receiving. And I should not deny anyone and ESPECIALLY myself that opportunity.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that I am a charity basket case. And I can find better things to do with the shoulder space than carry a chip around on it.

I am not naturally dark, twisted and loaded. It's time I stop trying so hard to be.

Can't Touch This!

I drive a modest Malaysian made car that's tall and narrow. If it was a lady, it would be described as willowy. But since it's not, it's called Winks!

My Wink Mobile has just turned 3. In its short life with me, it has gone thru got a bit of trauma:

A month old - I miss judged a corner turn in a carpark and knocked down a STOP sign, scratching the side of the Winkster.

6 months old - Some idiot decided to rush ahead, causing the 2 cars in front of me to come to a sudden stop. And cos it was a wet morning and a curvy downhill path, the Winkster had no other choice than to fornicate with the one in front before the sun came up. Smashed the front bits of it and Winks was out of commission for 3 weeks.

For a period of 2 weeks in its 2nd year, it was used as the Village Bike for work with anyone and everyone needing to head out to get stuff, coming along and asking to use it.

And for a long while last year, it went with only one head light - hence its name of Wink Mobile.

More recently last Friday, a truck carrying natural fertilizer had to come to a sudden stop beside Winks. Needless to say, it showered its affection for my lil grey roadster.

But I think the worst thing it has had to endure, happened yesterday. When some dude tried to break into it at my office carpark.

Yups - my poor Winkster. It nearly got raped yesterday.

One can only hope that its luck will turn for the better after this. Or it might decide to stage a strike on me and leave me wheel-less!

I think for its sanity preservation and my own selfish reasons, I should make a sticker and stick it on the Winks. It shall say this: Can't Touch This!

Yes, I am going quite mad! Wouldn't you be if you found out someone tried to violate your car's modesty?!

Ark! Do You Really Wanna?

In life, the one thing we can be assured of is bad days. But as we grow older, we learn to variate the quantum of things. And thus, is born bad days and BAD DAYS.

And the stupid thing of it all is that today should actually be a good day – an exciting, exhilarating day. A day of “new”s. So why do I feel like someone threw a rock at me and this wee lil pebble is weighing me down?

Spoke at length to an old friend this morning ~ I didn’t think it was fair to pry him from the arms of his girlfriend at 2 in the morning. And I listed 3 things that are making this day a bad day. And his conclusion: I am terrorizing my own self.

We like to think we're fearless, eager to explore unknown lands
and soak up new experiences, but the fact is,
we're always terrified.

I have had 5 days to digest this BHAG, and 12 hours of having this BHAG thrust on to me. And while it is a BHAG, it is not to say it is not manageable. Nor is it financially scary. Hey – I don’t even have to put in any moolah! Just my time, brain cells (like I have any!) and mental support. Yet, I am in agony and anguish and wish I could crawl under a rock and hide while the search parties call my name.

Maybe the terror is part of the attraction.
Some people go to horror movies.
We cut things open.
Dive into dark water.

In the last 12 hours I have done a whole host of things, which contradicts my sentiments and emotions. I have googled. I have emailed for estimates and consults. I have set up the tarik sessions to explore possibilities.

In the next 24 hours, I would be doing more – putting down on paper bubbles of thoughts, ideas and action plans. And then I will mail it off and it would be in a span of 36 hours, more than the conceptualiser has done in his entire lifetime for his BHAG.

We don't always know what we're doing, but we act like we do.
We walk into a country, plant a flag and start ordering people around.

And this leads to what I am actually most terrified about. That it would be the bolt that instead of doing its job of tightening things up, will cause the entire mechanism to fail. That my professional strength might become my personal weakness.

Cos this is ME – throw me the ball and I run on the Get Go. If you say it has to be done, I’ll tell you it should have been done yesterday. I do not have an “OFF” button that you can push to slow me down. And I will invigorate you with my astutuity and I will terrify you with my pace. I will irritate you with my drive and you will frustrate me with your alternating lack of.

I have been here and done this before. And one reader can attest to it. So my question for today would be this:

It’s not if you can handle putting your dream into motion.
But rather, can you handle me when I’m at it?

Two Dogs and a Happy Frog

People rarely surprise me, especially those I count in my inner circle of friends. Maybe my blessed big ears enable me to pick up on the subtle innuendoes that eventually lead to the big story. Or maybe my years of bitter-sweet torture at Fairview has sharpen my skills of seeing the Big Picture almost instantaneously, that nothing surprises me very much anymore.

It's very hard to describe the multitude of emotions and thoughts that are going thru my mind right now. It's like a freaking roller-coaster ride and I'm torn between screaming "I wanna get off RIGHT NOW!" or throw my hands up in the air, close my eyes and let the thrill run its course.

Sometime last week, I wrote about Dreams - and that we should all take time to indulge in them and muster the courage to go after them. But I never really thought I'd see someone actually pick up that challenge and pull me along as they run after the ball.

Sure, I have big dreams - like opening a variation of Fifteen here in Malaysia and doing the two things that I love most - F&B and Help Change lives. One fine day when it happens, I've been told I should call it 20ne (twenty-one for those who didn't get that). There's also that big old tired dream of opening my own Spanish-styled B&B. But if ever there was a Big Hairy Audacious Goal (BHAG), I heard it today, tonight, right here in the living room of my pigeon hole.

Why did I buy in to it? Was it so audacious to the point of being infectious? I mean, it's freaking half past one and my mind is working at warp speed here while I try unsuccessfully to slow it down so I can sleep tonight. Is this another instance of "If I could do anything at all, I'll do it for you"? And if it is so, where in damnation have I gone and left my sanity at?!

Alwyn wrote in his latest posting that we could either choose to do things within our Circle of Concern or within our Circle of Influence. And that if we chose the latter, it expands and reduces the former. I’d like to think that if applied correctly, my skill sets and my experience would form this Circle of Influence and thus over time reduce my Circle of Concern.

At the end of a day like this, when I have jumped right in eyes wide shut... try as I may not to, I still ask "Why ME"? What have I done that made you think you can entrust this on to me, and making me a part of it? What have I done that made you think I can see what you see, and I can feel what you feel?

But more importantly I ask – What if I let you down?

Like I said – it feels like a freaking roller coaster ride. And it’s massively freaking me out – throwing me to the deep end of the pool and I’ll either sink or swim. And I am farking scared shitless. How could it be that ONE person can have such an impact on my life that there is nothing that I would not do, just to see that smile on that face…

*Sigh* I suppose I’m just overwhelmed at half past one in the morning… overwhelmed with the thought of two dogs and a frog.

I think I shall just go sleep on it.

Walking Bananas

My niece is starting Primary 1 in January. As the eldest of 3+1 kids, she going to a public school about 5 minutes walk from the house. She was all excited to progress on to school proper. UNTIL she found out that it was a public school and thus, would be predominantly Malay medium.

As parents, we all want the best for our kids. I remember how mum and dad used to put every single dollar by just so I could have the new examination model electone organ at home to practice on. And whenever dad had a bonus declaration, we would all pack our bags and teddy bears to scoot off to some foreign destination for a holiday.

I am living practically on fresh air and sunshine to put my daughter through a private school education cos she is severely handicapped in the Malay language. Casting her in an environment where most of her circle would be speaking in the language, school would be living hell for her. And if 12 months down the road, my circumstances improve, her brother would follow suit but as a luxury and not as a necessity.

My kids speak only in English to me and their entire social network. Hearing Lydia speak Chinese is like hearing Whites speaking Mandarin! My grandma speaks to them in our native tongue, and they reply in English. Do something nice for them and they would give you the reaction of "Oh Mummy! That's simply wonderful!" Ask them a question and they would ask for a minute to think about it with a "Lemme get back to you on that."

I wonder where and IF we had gone wrong in bringing up our kids: for them to be the yellow bananas that they are right now. Is it the bane of Astro's 24-hour Disney Network? Or simply because our generation had evolved too drastically, and this is the result of it.

For now, I don't have a resolution to the situation of helping my kids improve their grades in our national and native language. Nor do I have the solution as to how to address these young'uns going "I'm not Chinese! I'm English!"

Hopefully over time, these yellow bananas would go brown in the sun and become nationalised.

And if they don't, I guess we'd just have to up and move to somewhere like Manchester or New York or Paris.

The Road of Ten

"Enough is enough!"

How often have we heard our colleagues, our family, our friends utter those words? ~ Often accompanied by the throwing of hands in the air and followed by the slamming of a door (or chair against the cubicle wall in these modern day boxless offices).

According to Gregory P Smith, renown author and founder and President of Chart Your Course International, a talent management firm located in Atlanta, Georgia, here are the top ten reasons why good people quit their jobs:

1. Management demands that one person do the jobs of two or more people, resulting in longer days and weekend work.
2. Management cuts back on administrative help, forcing professional workers to use their time copying, stapling, collating, filing and other clerical duties.
3. Management puts a freeze on raises and promotions, when an employee can easily find a job earning 20-30 percent more somewhere else.
4. Management doesn't allow the rank and file to make decisions or allow them pride of ownership.
5. Management constantly reorganizes, shuffles people around, and changes direction constantly.
6. Management doesn't have or take the time to clarify goals and decisions. Therefore, it rejects work after it was completed, damaging the morale and esteem of those who prepared it.
7. Management shows favoritism and gives some workers better offices, trips to conferences, etc.
8. Management relocates the offices to another location, forcing employees to quit or double their commute.
9. Management promotes someone who lacks training and/or necessary experience to supervisor, alienating staff and driving away good employees.
10. Management creates a rigid structure and then allows departments to compete against each other while at the same time preaching teamwork and cooperation.

My current job is my 9th in a span of 10 years and I can say for certain that all ten reasons above have been my own reasons for leaving. And often than nought, when these reasons are made known to Management, it comes a step too late for THEM to change OUR minds. These ARE the points of no return.

As pioneering American psychologist and philosopher William James once said: The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. And if we examine each of these reasons closely, we'll be able to identify an underlying trend: APPRECIATION.

In these wee challenging times, when unemployment rates from country to country are soaring to levels never before seen in the last century, these reasons will still be the straw that broke the camel's back; the reasons where one would rather starve than drag themselves off to work for a bunch of sods!

As I step day-by-day, month-by-month towards the point charted out for me, I have to unlearn many of the ways of managing people that I have come to adopt as my own. Simply because, each company has its own culture, and each person requires different motivators. What works for person A might not work for person B, due to their background differences and value-chain. Just so the people I work with feel their worth in its weight of gold.

So go on ~ if you have good people reporting to you currently - be the good guy more than once. Cos a working relationship is still a relationship - much like that of a husband-and-wife, a boyfriend-and-a-girlfriend, a parent-and-a-child: It needs to have that appreciation affirmation done. No matter how tedious it may be.

And if you are finding it tedious: Maybe it's time you sit down and reflect if you are 1) ready to be a boss and 2) heading down the Road of Ten yourself!

Back in 1927

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Simply because I do not this day to end. This way when the world did belly-flops and what-have-you-nots.

If I could paint ~ I'd paint a portrait of you
The sunlight in your eyes a masterpiece of truth
And a single tear like a silent prayer
That's shining so much brighter than a diamond ever dared
If I could do anything at all,I'd do it for you

I was the one he wanted to call. I was the one he had words to tell to cos he was afraid he might not have the chance to do it. And I was the one he asked.

If I could write ~ I'd write a book for you
A tale of hidden treasures with an I.O.U
And a million words couldn't say a thing
That won't be said in three words
Where love's the central theme
If I could do anything at all, I'd do it for you

And all this while I was driving home. With my kids in the back seat. And all the time he was talking, I didn't know if I wanted to jump up in the air and just do a whoop-dee-do or sit on the sidewalk and cry while smiling.

If I could play, I'd play up a storm for you
A raging sea of passion that you never knew
Every whispered sound would touch your heart
And maybe for a moment I could be your favourite star
If I could do anything at all, I'd do it for you

So yes, I don't think I would be able to sleep tonight. And I'm sure you'd understand why. Cos never did I think this would actually come true.

Sometimes I feel so second-rate
Seems loving you was my greatest mistake
I know I'm insecure
And love don't keep score
But I wish I could give you more

I wasn't in the frame of mind to answer another curve ball question. But here it is, in the borrowed words of another (cos we all know at times like these, my words fail me!)...

Darling can't you see
What you mean to me
Anything that I can do ~ I'll do it for you
And darling don't you know
Just how far I'd go
Anything that I can do, I'd do it for you

Just for today - I feel like I'm standing on top of the world! And the view from up here is FANTASTIC!

1927
If I could

How Far is FAR?

On days like these, I do wonder just how far I’d go to sell my soul.

Fact:
To own a decent sized apartment (let’s not even talk about landed property) in the Valley, one needs to be prepared to put down about RM 800 a month, excluding management fees towards the mortgage. And if you don't have the capacity to own, even renting would amount to that.

Fact:
To own a decent car (Kancil), one needs to put aside about RM 300 a month for the installment, and another RM 250 or so for fuel.

Fact:
An average meal out for lunch these days cost about RM 5.00 that is if you do not have a fizzy drink along with it, but Chinese tea iced or something to that effect. Most of us have at least 1 meal a day out, which comes to RM 150.00. Multiply that by a factor of 2.5 to cover all meals, you’re spending RM 375 a month on food for yourself.

Fact:
Most of us belong to a generation of parents where the term “Retirement Planning” does not exist. This essentially means that our roles in life have reversed. We no longer wait each month for our pocket money, but we instead give out pocket money to our parents. On average, for them to live decently with no other income at their disposal (cos let’s face it – the EPF was probably used up for something else already), we’re realistically looking at RM 800 for them.

Fact:
If you’re a smoker, and you’re doing a pack a day, you’re spending RM 300.00 on smokes a month.

Fact:

As the world turns, minimum expectations of life changes - kids need to study beyond the traditional K12 in order to get ahead. A local public university degree's tuition fee cost under RM 4000. A local private university college degree cost RM 50,000. A foreign twinned university degree cos RM 100,000 in tuition. And for a full-overseas degree - it stands at RM 250,000 - excluding living expenses.

Without taking into account things like rates, electricity, astro, etc – you’re looking at a blatant fact of spending RM 2825.00 out of whatever pay it is you are drawing. On Bare Necessities. Throw in the education fund savings (which would be at least RM 1500 per each child's golden dream) - that's it you're blown for the month.

That’s really not too bad if you’re in a two-income family, or earning 5-figure salaries. But when you’re in a single-income family, and you have mouths below, above and to the side waiting to be fed, TRUST ME – life becomes a living hell.

Everyday when we open the papers, we read of the Global Economic Crisis. But seriously - we don't need world economies to go into a slump to be in a crisis. If left to one's own devices, one could do it spectacular well with a wrong turn here or there.

I suppose one can be optimistic and look for the silver lining in every cloud. And mine would be an increase of RM 150.00 disposable income a month come January's pay cheque. Recall the scene from In Pursuit of Happyness - where Will Smith's character bangs on the gates of his friend's house, asking back for the loan of $14.00. Yeah - RM 150.00 would sure eliminate that possibility of "begging".

No matter how we try to console ourselves (or how our parents try to console themselves), I guess the fact remains ~ our generation will BE the generation where dying-in-debt becomes the norm and where the middle-class is actually poorer than the lower-class.

Maybe I should quit my job, marry a native of the land (and if I do it in Melaka, we’ll get RM 1000 instantly!) open a small contracting company and live off the government.

Or maybe I should get loaded up on Speed, Ice and everything else lying under Charlie's coffee-table and just throw my existence to hell for the next year or two. It wouldn't be too bad actually, considering I'll probably shorten my life-span by decades with whatever crap that the nasty boy would contract. So that would be less of such days.

Neither of these options will give me THE bed of roses, but it sure beats the hell out of being the minority church mouse.

Like I said when I started - on days like these, I do wonder just how far I would go to sell my soul.

Dreams

Dream

1. A succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep
2. An involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake
3. A vision voluntarily indulged in while awake
4. An aspiration; goal; aim
5. A wild or vain fancy
6. Something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence

In 1958, The Everly Brothers sang that “When I want you in my arms, When I want you and all your charms, Whenever I want you, all I have to do is Dream.”

In 1963, Martin Luther King, Jr stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and said “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”

The world is still abuzz today, 24 hours after America made history by electing it’s first African-American President. Many claims for it to be a milestone – a bringing to life, Marin Luther King Jr’s dream. For the man himself – it was never a question of doubt for he believed that together, the answer would be “Yes, we can.”

Our dreams could be big or small. It could be wildly out of this world or it could take place in our own backyard. It could be something for us (like my brother’s dream of hitting the RM 20 million jackpot) or it could be something for other people. And today, our Prime Minister says that ANYBODY can be holding his office, even if they are from a minority ethnic group, which would be a dream for many Malaysians out there.

Or it could be just plain simple and straightforward of being at peace and contented with my life.

I like to think that the world feels the electricity in the air because what was accomplished yesterday, many thousands of miles away, is another testament that what dreams may come. For if truth be told, many of us seem to have shied away from having dreams.

We adopt the safe route of sticking to “wishes” instead, with the difference being the materializing of a dream lies in our own hands. And wishing, on the hand – implies the presence of a higher authority, a Fairy-Godmother-like-type who has the ability to make it come true.

But whether we choose to be the owner of our own destiny and dream, or be like the ostrich and Cinderella it all the way thru - in the words of Annie Lennox ~ Who am I to disagree?.. After all, sweet dreams are made of this.

So go on then. Regardless of the nationality that is stated on your passport, give yourself 30 seconds to revel in YOUR dream! Then take the stand to put it into motion. After all, wasn’t it the King of Dreams, Walt Disney who once said:

All our dreams can come true -
if we have the courage to pursue them.

According to Nikki

I heard on my way home on the radio that the secret to a long-lasting relationship is to not go more than 7 days from not seeing one another. This is apparently the golden key according to Nicole Kidman.

It's funny that she would cite this. Why 7? Why not 3? or 4, for that matter? With technology being so rampant these days, I'm sure there are ways where one can cross this time-bound-factor, eh?

I got out of church this evening to a text message awaiting me. And it was not in manner or tone that pleased me at all. No sir. Not one bit. For starters, it started with "Please don't be angry with me" which in any communication class, you'd be taught, is not the way to start a conversation. Add to it, it had not one but TWO "So sorry" thrown in. AND THAT was not what I wanted at all.

I remember how I used to rail into the Bear when I do not hear of him catching up with the name-sake for a while. Or when I hear of him being home on weekends, instead of being out with her. On hindsight, it was pretty wrong of me to have done so, cos as the saying goes ~ Different strokes for different folks. And Bear belongs to a different kettle of fish altogether.

It's taken me a long, long time to get to this level of understanding. And it's a place that I am quite happy to be in ~ despite all the fears that my friends have about me not being happy, and me stubbing my own toe. It just goes to show that these sort of strokes do not form the majority. And perhaps, the majority are the people who cannot stand being apart, and a minute into Day 8 would see them pulling their hair out, going crazy / grumpy / psychotic, etc. And from the looks of my messaged received, I was deemed to be one of them. Go Figure!

Now I won't say that I have not been one of them. But I would like to think that I have grown out of that dizzying, looking at the world thru rose-coloured glasses phase of life. And it's not to say that I have lost the zeal to be one half of two. It's just plain simple acknowledging that life is such, and sometimes the effort is not worth the strife.

This is not a superficial act of adding on more dust bunnies. But truly, having been there, done all that and using the t-shirt as a rag cloth now: I would rather have all of him (mind, body and soul) than to have just half of him. And honestly, the pressure of having to "make it somewhere, despite needing to be doing something else" is going to crack even the toughest, most got-it-together egg someday. Last but not least, I like a strong sense of responsibility in a chappie, especially when it comes to work. Anything less than that - he'll fall into the losers-and-wankers category in my books.

Anyways, to each their own. Maybe there is some truth to what Ms Kidman thinks. Maybe it might well and truly be the secret weapon to curbing the rising divorce rates and short-lived relationships.

But then agan, so long as I know what works for me, I'm quite happy with my kettle of fish. It is, afterall, getting me more hugs and smoochies :o) So let's all be happy and not complain.

Have At It

Not a day goes by without us reading of people dying. Apparently, approximately 153,000 people die everyday.

Some people can't wait for it to happen. Some people have the time advantage of knowing beforehand and thus, prepared for it. Some people don't even know what hit them before they went *poof*. And some people would do everything within their means and power to prevent or delay it.

It is indeed a frightful thing when one quietly sits down and thinks about it, about everything we've done and not done. For how would we know that our number is not among the 153,000 called each day, or the 107 called each minute?

If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I'd be torn between deciding what to do with the remainder of my time. Goes to show how much procrastination I've been doing in the last 2 years since I wrote about this. And it scares the living daylights outta me.

I guess there really is no reason why I should NOT be saying "Pick a day, any day where you'll have more than just a couple of hours to spare. I'll cook up a feast with lots of dead animals, and we'll kick it back with funky cocktails and loony games."

The only way to stop the fear is by living.
Just living, being with your family, your friends, your community.
There is nothing we can do about it - except to seize the day.
We live while we can,
laugh while we can,
love while we can.

So, there you have it ~ Go on.. pick a day, even if it's a Saturday. And we'll make a grand production of it. It's been far too long since we've each had a grand laugh.

What Would You Do?

A few years ago, an acquaintance of mine gave me a never-ending calendar as a Pick-Me-Up pressie. And tomorrow it cites a Zig Ziglar quote:

The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.

So indulge me ... what would you do if you knew you would never be found out?

Me? I'll just be my happy self, talking to my bears and letting all hell break loose in flatulence city.

Happy Tuesday y'all!

*Shush* Silence Please

I have been spending a fair amount of time in church off-late and the experiences have been mostly one of obtaining serenity. However, on a number of occasions, it has also been on that is most trying on one's patience. Sunday was no exception, and it left me short of going up to two sets of parents and slapping them squarely across the back of their heads. For they were entirely oblivious to the fact that their rugrats were behaving exactly as the term use: RUGRATS!

Now being a parent of two young-uns, I fully appreciate that it is difficult to get children to sit quietly through anything other than a cartoon or a story-telling session. And that would have to be within the 30 minutes time-frame. But surely, there must be ways where one can make the child understand as to why they should not be playing Ultraman while others are trying to worship.

We have all, at one point or another, come across the lament of "What is society becoming to?" or that "Young people these days have no values." We blame the media, the entertainment industry, the Internet, the schools, etc. We blame everyone but ourselves - the parent. And Sunday's outing in Church is a fine example as to why the adults out to be smacked and sent to the corner, and not the kids.

One of the 6 Pillars of Character Education is none other than RESPECT (alongside Trustworthiness, Responsibility, Fairness, Caring, Citizenship). And the Josephson Institute seeks to use this pillar as a basis in teaching children to:

• Be tolerant of differences
• Use good manners, not bad language
• Be considerate of the feelings of others
• Don’t threaten, hit or hurt anyone
• Deal peacefully with anger, insults and disagreements

I am a firm believer that children are not as ignorant as we make them out to be. Their minds work at actually an amazing speed - explain something to them in ways that they understand, and it goes in forever. Which is probably why most feedback from my friends and family with regards to Lydia and Luke are that they are extremely well-behaved.

I know for a fact that I have not found the secret recipe (or weapon in some cases) to handling my kids. Afterall, I learnt it from someone else. AND it is merely a case of not shoving values down their throats without helping them understand why things should be the way you want them to be.

Alas, not everyone has had the good fortune of citing Early Childhood Educators as their group of friends. So if only they had Character Education for adults. Maybe then the world wouldn’t be in the state that it is. Or at the very least, I wouldn’t have to go around giving strangers dagger looks in church while muttering in my head a vehement *shush*

Which in itself, is meeting the tenets of this pillar of CE.