In a few hours, 2012 will end and a new year will begin. Recalling the words of a close friend, "Nothing ever really ends, does it?" And so, try as I may to think that tomorrow will be different, simply because it is a new year, I know deep down inside that nothing will really have changed.
Bless me Father I have sinned,
I'm not sure where to begin.
I won't name names or where I've been,
But I've been there and back again.
It has been the most tiring and trying year of my entire existence. With barely a month in, I had to bury my grandmother. And in the midst of all that, realise that it was also time to step up - that the next generation was the 'now'. Ready or not, we had to take our turn at the reins. Ready or not, responsibility was thrust upon our shoulders.
No Hail Marys will save me,
You learned to live with memories,
Here, slip this sinner up your sleeve,
Just stay inside until I leave.
Bless me Father I have sinned,
I'm not sure where to begin.
I won't name names or where I've been,
But I've been there and back again.
It has been the most tiring and trying year of my entire existence. With barely a month in, I had to bury my grandmother. And in the midst of all that, realise that it was also time to step up - that the next generation was the 'now'. Ready or not, we had to take our turn at the reins. Ready or not, responsibility was thrust upon our shoulders.
No Hail Marys will save me,
You learned to live with memories,
Here, slip this sinner up your sleeve,
Just stay inside until I leave.
It has to be said, this thing called responsibility. I have come to likening it to opening the Pandora's box ~ all sorts of vermin will come running out, scaring the living daylights out of you. And because you know it's Pandora's box, you have to find it in you to go back in and shut it. So that hope remains.
And that is what I will carry with me in moderate amounts into 2013 - HOPE. For have I not had an extra 40 days with my dad? Did his oncologist not give him a mere 2 months to live way back in September? From not knowing if we would see his 64th birthday with him, we ended up celebrating Christmas and the year end in a grand fashion - with the family safe in my lil hole in the sky, singing the 12 days of Christmas in our own individual way.
The hands of time may tick no more
Let darkness fall upon this door
No waves will wash up on this shore
I won the fight but lost the war.
I must say, most days this year, were not easy ones. With less than a handful of people I can call my own, I am walking into the new year feeling a little less for wear. I am run myself ragged, trying to accomplish this, that and again - the other, all at once.
There were roses I have loved
Who've given or have given up
I pushed your patience and my luck
But I stand proud and tall tonight as dusk falls across the KL skyline, as folks make their way into the city to ring in the new year, surrounded by friends and strangers. For while I have been at my worst, I have also been at my best in terms of my own emotional self.
While there can be many moments to recall, I take with me tonight, the memory of biting the bullet and admitting out-loud that I am human. And because I am human, I am capable of feeling love. And because I am capable of feeling love, I am able to once more (after 6 long years), come face-to-face with it and say it out loud.
It wasn't love I didn't trust
It wasn't you, or me, or us
You've shouldered 'ifs', and 'ands', and 'buts'
It's that way ok, I've said too much
I like to think that it is that honesty and vulnerability that has seen me through this year of near-deaths, disappointments, exhaustion and despair. It is that honesty and vulnerability that has enabled people to catch me when I fell, jumping off balconies to snatch me back from the clutches of hopelessness.
But I've been running, always running
Never had both feet on the floor
And so while tomorrow may be 1st January 2013 and I will need to put a new desk calendar on my desk, I know my road will remain much the same: bumpy and dusty. But if anything this year has taught me, I know that whatever 2013 brings, I will be able to face it with courage, with dignity and with honour. And I will be able to look myself in the mirror 365 days from today and say to myself that "I did the best I could and that was it enough."
To quote my favourite tv show, after 9 years - There's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are. A little self awareness never hurt anyone. Because when you know who you are, it's easier to know what you're about, what you really need.
I've been running, always running
Now I ain't running anymore
2013 - I will not run from you, even though the prospects of you scare the shit out of me.
Happy New Year everyone!
~Not running anymore~
Never had both feet on the floor
And so while tomorrow may be 1st January 2013 and I will need to put a new desk calendar on my desk, I know my road will remain much the same: bumpy and dusty. But if anything this year has taught me, I know that whatever 2013 brings, I will be able to face it with courage, with dignity and with honour. And I will be able to look myself in the mirror 365 days from today and say to myself that "I did the best I could and that was it enough."
To quote my favourite tv show, after 9 years - There's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are. A little self awareness never hurt anyone. Because when you know who you are, it's easier to know what you're about, what you really need.
I've been running, always running
Now I ain't running anymore
2013 - I will not run from you, even though the prospects of you scare the shit out of me.
Happy New Year everyone!
~Not running anymore~
By Jon Bon Jovi
