A Picture of Thousand Ills?

This is a picture of Malaysia's Health Minister Datuk Liow Tiong Lai at the press conference of my country's latest effort to reduce the number of smokers. (Click on pic for article)

I have bought ciggarettes from different countries (thank god for global branding!) and yes, in places like Vietnam, Thailand, Singapore - one has to make do with ghastly looking lungs everytime one reaches for that box of fags.

Fact remains - are these pictures going to deter us smokers from lighting up? It might encourage us once in a while. But *psst* here's a secret: half the time, we're not even looking at the box as muscle memory takes over in the pick-open-pull-stick.fag.in.mouth action.

Now what might really work would be to have a lil imp implanted in the box. An imp trained to quip the words "Are you sure you really smoke that ciggarette?" complete with raised eye-brow and waving small pics of the smokers' loved ones.

Yups - I think that might increase the reduction of smokers a whole lot better than pictures of throat lesions and wrinklly lungs.

Anyone out there with connections to Discworld so we can get our hands on some imps?

F&F - the Uncensored Version

Al’s last piece entitled “Two Clicks” is a very interesting one – one that hits home on more than one base. It in he says:

“Never mind I may never do anything other than glance over your photo or one-liners. Never mind I'll probably ignore every message, invitation and request you send me and vice-versa. Never mind we may never communicate or do anything resembling what humanity considered a 'relationship' over thousands of years”

I am still trying to decide if the satirical tone this posting of Al’s is meant to say more than it is saying, or is just another musing or observation by Al since his foray into the world of Facebook. I do know that it brought me back to remember my #1 online social community rule – do not add on people you’ve only met once and have 2 lines exchanged. Nor do you add on those you used to know but no longer have any common bonds, except maybe a class photo or two. Those are not friends. They might use to be, but these days - they are just acquaintances.

I’ll admit it here and now that I’m a hard nut to crack on this topic. If you were to ask me to pick twenty people to celebrate an occasion with – I would be very hard-pressed in rustling up them twenty names. For I firmly and strongly believe that I do not need tens and thousands of friends, when a few rare diamonds are enough. And yes, while it is true that diamonds have flaws as well, I believe what we want to look out for are good flaws – flaws that add value to the stone itself.

Lewis B Smedes starts his book ~ Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve with this: If you live long enough, chances are you’ll be hurt by someone you counted on as a friend. And it is a statement that is so true – there’d be times when opinions clash, words are exchanged, feelings hurt. But the words that caught my attention are these: Counted On.

My circle of good friends – Bear, Mandy, Whites, Garlic, Pups – we’ve had our share of “silences” Mandy and I even went for a long period of time of pretending the other was dead cos she told me her opinion of Lydia and Luke’s biological dad and I refused to accept at that time. But over time, I came round to seeing that her intention was good and she came round to seeing that as my friend, she had to be there for the good, the bad and the unmentionable. And years on in - she still is.

Sometimes friends care too much to the point that what you go thru, personally affects them. Pups used to say I drain him each time we speak. I used to wanna poke his eyes out for saying that. But now, I see where he comes from and I’m okay with that. And I know that despite me being draining, if I were to need his help, he's there with Nat in tow!

At the end of the day, people who are genuinely your friends – you know in your heart of hearts, that there was no malice intended. That at the end of the day, it was for the betterment of one or the other, or both. And that if one were to fall, the other would be there to break the fall, no matter what.

And that brings me to something that has been plaguing me. To the point of giving me weird dreams – the sort that leaves you waking up with a bitter aftertaste in the mouth that no amount of mouthwash or toothpaste can take away. And that only happens to me when I try to brush something aside. Dust-bunnies ~ they have their way of getting your attention no matter what.

I really should do the grown-up thing and address the situation in its face but I do not know where to begin cos it is one which makes me feel ugly, hypocritical even. And because of that, it makes me hostile, abrupt and stand-off-ish.

They say, a vase once broken, would never look the same again no matter how well it is put back together. And this is one of those instances. I cannot count on a certain someone, no matter how hard I try and as such, a reclassification is going on in my idealistic mind. And it bothers me, cos I'm just one of those easily bothered persons.

I guess I just wanna stop trying to ‘get back’ to where it was left off and lack the guts to say it out loud.

I guess I do not want to admit that while it is water under the bridge, the corrosion remains.

I guess I do not want to face up to the fact that short of having my head bashed in to the point of being concussed, there is no way in all eternity that I am able to do the latter of “forgive and forget.”

I guess I do not want to reach a point where I have no more benefits to give to doubt, and turn around and spew out the Malay phrase of “ada ular sebalik batu.”

Why am I putting it all down here? Cos I am frankly exhausted of going thru this scenario. It. Is. Draining. And. Exhausting. And I have no more energy left to expand, even though I sit here and twiddle thumbs all day.

Maybe some things were better left as they were. After all, people grow, evolve and change. And over time, one would come to accept it as part and parcel of life. I suppose if I try really hard, I can move from my ideals and accept this as one of those Two Clicks and leave it at that.

I shall think about if I even wanna try to do that. Or just leave it at that as everyone tells me to.

*Sigh* This is just getting way too Jane Austen for my liking!

Chances Are..

Love is passion, obsession,
Someone you can't live without.
If you don't start with that,
What are you going to end up with?

A very good friend asked me recently over tea when was the last time I said “I love you” to someone who was 1) not related to me by blood and 2) not part of my circle of good and dear friends. Truth be told, it’s been yorns and this realization part surprises me and part scares the living daylights out of me. Cos this is ME – the Miss-Terms-of-Endearments. How could it be that years have gone by just like that?

Fall head over heels.
I say find someone you can love like crazy and
Who'll love you the same way back.

I often wonder how at times, when my friends tell me how eloquent I am, and how good I am with words, my words can fail me so badly by running away and hiding so well that I become all speechless. Like when someone says to me “Being here makes the hell of the last couple of weeks, all worth it. Being able to be here – gives me something to look forward to.”

And how do you find him?
Forget your head and listen to your heart.
I'm not hearing any heart.

I have done so many things in the last 8 months that I never thought twice about. Taken so many risks… crossed so many bridges… stared at one full moon too many. Yet, I always come back to this one junction where I stand and watch the traffic goes by, without crossing. One excuse after another.

Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back.
Because, the truth is
There is no sense living your life without this.

I wish I had done the Carpe Diem thing and said outloud what was going thru my head. "Run the risk" cos right now, the risk levels seem so much lower than it was say a quarter back. So why didn't I? Was it cos I couldn't? Or more of I wouldn't?

To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -
Well, you haven't lived a life at all.

I wrote earlier about life and mortality, and how if I were to die today, I cannot say that I do not want for anything. Maybe I should keep that in mind the next time a conversation takes place. Or maybe I should not think at all, and let what comes to mind, come naturally.

One thing's for sure - Life - it does indeed give you more chances than one! What we do with it, it's up to us.

Death and Taxes

mor•tal•i•ty ~ noun

• The state or condition of being subject to death; mortal character, nature, or existence.

A very dear former boss of mine suffered a heart attack last week. I nearly fell off my chair when I heard it. He may be half a century old, but he’s by far, one of the fittest 50-year old dudes whom I know who can run rings around a futsal pitch of 20-somethings.

Fortunately, the damage was repairable. But I will never forget the angst-filled words of his missus: Please remind him that he has 2 boys and a wife who needs him to be around.

I have always thought this boss of mine had it all together. A dream that he has turned into reality, a challenging job, and a nice balance of work-and-home, despite the 14 hour-workdays. He’s one of those parent who takes time off work to come for school functions, cheering his boys on, taking on the teachers in deep debates on quality education, and putting a lot of pride in his home.

Yet, on that fateful Thursday afternoon, he nearly lost it all.

HBO has been showing Meet Joe Black again. It’s a good movie – one of those I could watch once a week and not be bored of. And last night, the following phrase stayed with me:

And I'm going to break precedent and tell you my one candle wish:
That you would have a life as lucky as mine,
Where you can wake up one morning and say,
"I don't want anything more."

I have been spending a lot of time, trying to piece together my life the last 5 years (From Fairview to Swiss Concept). The memories are hazy. Some events are etched firmly in my mind, but others escape me completely.

Take for example, my car registration card. I had apparently given it to my mum for safe-keeping last year. Yet, I was so sure I gave it to my brother to return to the leasing company. Or how I used to rush out of the house in such a hurry, I would end up sitting in the 4 feet space between the grill gate and the front door, waiting for my spare keys to arrive from Pups. Though I think the best one of all is that of a cousin of mine who moved to Australia, re-married, had a kid and all that, and I only “found out” about it when I saw them at the last Chinese New Year celebrations.

We often think that we’d have more time to do the things we want to.. later… After we’ve saved that million bucks in the bank… After we’ve snagged that corner office suite with the park-view… After we’ve bought that 8000 sq feet plot of land to build our 5-bedroom bungalow, with a connecting guest-house for the in-laws… After the kids have finished college and embarked on their own rat-race.

But do we ever stop to think of what if “Later” comes before “After”?

If time were to stop for me today – dare I say in all honesty that I don’t want anything more?

I cannot. For I have not had enough hugs, kisses and memory snapshots of my kids and the darnest things that they can say. For I have not had enough laughs and smiles and cheers with my good mates – Bear, Garlic, Mandy. For I have embraced enough opportunities to repay my parents and family for the love and support they have shown me. For I have not said “you’re important and you matter a great deal to me” to the one person I cherish.

At the end of the day, it’s not really about the number of contracts I bring in for neither the company, nor the size of the house that I live in.

It’s about living in the HERE and the NOW.

It’s about making the effort to do something that would bring a smile to someone’s face.

It’s about being extra-ordinary in ways people do not expect you to be.

It’s about putting your head on the pillow and thinking “Today was a GREAT day”

There are 60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours in a day. 365 days in a year.

That’s a lot of time on our hands. What are you going to do with yours today?

Fur and Ash

How time flies (even when one feels that it is not moving!) for it's already Thursday. And for a week that started out alright, crashed to the ground mid-way, it has gone on an upward swirl as prettily as the twirling ribbons on a rhythmic gymnast.

My brain is not working all that well this morning... my words are once again failing me.. and so I have to resort to borrowing the words of another by the name of Dean Blehert... hopefully you'll recognise the small blessings (follow this link to read full poem) in your life as I have come to see mine.

Blessed are the stones I tread,

for they hold the universe together with their faith in gravity,

while I indulge in levity.

Blessed is the weather,

for it enables polite discourse among strangers—

which can lead anywhere.

Blessed are the falling leaves,

for they steep in the wind and flavor it.

Blessed are the tortured,

who endure much so that

even torturers can be good at something.

Blessed are the walls—

they turn space into places.

Blessed are the windows,

for they allow excess buildup of PLACE

to leak off into space.

Blessed are doors,

where walls can change their minds.

Blessed are ceilings,

for when we lie on our backs with our eyes open,

they become the walls within which

we feel safe enough to dream ourselves anywhere.

Blessed are the children,

for though they are much smaller and frailer than I,

they trust me to roam freely.

Blessed are fathers,

who must love deeply to believe this hocus pocus

about how babies are made.

Blessed are mothers,

for our visits to earth greatly inconvenience them,

yet they greet us with a smile.

Blessed are the signs on the road,

for they tell me that someone knows

I am here.

Blessed are the music makers,

for they create holes in time

to be filled up with the words of poets.

Blessed are the lovers,

for they so thoroughly saturate each other with admiration

that the rest of us are free to look elsewhere.

Blessed are the hands,

for where I am too far away

for the hands that would reach out and touch me,

they touch each other loudly.

Blessed is the beggar,

who wakes us from our unseeing

by giving the street corner a shadowed intricacy

that MUST be looked at or looked away from.

Blessed is the Lord God Almighty,

for we must have been taught to say this for SOME reason.

Blessed is my head,

for when I am inside it my thoughts resonate,

just as do my songs in the shower.

Blessed are the readers,

for they make this voice in my head a voice in many heads,

freeing me to find new voices.

Sometimes we wonder if anyone is listening when we speak. Sometimes we wonder IF there IS anyone at all that we can speak to. But someone has gone out on all limbs to prove to me that not only am I heard, I. Am. Heard.

And so my own lil contribution to the poem above would go something like this:

Blessed are the fuzzy bears,

whose fine fur lands amongst the ciggie ash on my coffee table,

as I pluck at his ear while I let my head wonders.

For even tho he has cotton in his belly

he's made me feel a lil taller, a whole lot better

And definitely very much loved!

You know who you are... and truly - all the languages in the world, would not cover what it is I want to say!

Commit to Memory

There are 4 things I must commit to memory for good. They are:

1. Patience is a virtue. I mismanaged my expectations badly today and that caused me to fall. And no where feels further a drop that when you think you were right at the top. And while it seems like I'm not being heard, I am. Indeed.
2. Trust is the basis of all. I let my trust wonder, forgetting the lil things I've learnt, that what we see on the telly might not necessarily be the bubblies boiling under the surface.
3. Blessings do come in big packages and size 12 shoes. Need I say more?
4. Last but not least, I got thru today and will get thru the month, God willing

Being alive is a miracle in itself. So long as I have tomorrow, I'll be fine.

Phoney Baloney!

For some strange reason, someone, somewhere, thinks I have oodles of moolah sitting under my mattress. Enough for me to rent my own private island!

It's a real laugh considering I am wondering what I would have to do to get a respite from the endless paying of bills and for one (see - I'm not greedy! I'm only asking for ONE) month, I can go without living from-pay-cheque-to-pay-cheque.

The latest spanner in the works of achieving the above would be a backlash from our wonderful government in the form of the fuel rebate. Which to my surprise, was paid out to "me" in September. Lo and behold - I had just renewed my roadtax last week! Now how did that happen, I wonder?!

*Sigh* I guess whoever it is who thinks I have enough to rent my own island, would probably be the same bloke who thinks I can do without the six hundred bucks due to me as my benefit of being a Rakyat.

I think I'm gonna go hide under my cardboard box cut-out of a coconut tree now .. while I live off fresh-air and sunshine, after being scammed by my own government.

Guardian Angels

What a crazy week it has been. So many things have been happening, within my world. So much so, taking time to hide is a risky thing cos the world moves not one notch but a whole nine yards. It’s hard to believe it’s only the middle of the month, and with 2 more months to go before the New Year, I cannot determine which way the winds would blow.

Add to all that, the weather hasn't been my favourite kind. I know ~ I should be jumping for joy for the big fat droplets that have been falling from the clouds – allows for deep, melancholic rain walks. But here’s the funny thing – it didn’t even cross my mind to attempt it, until I heard it as a line on the telly. We’re an equatorial climate country – we only have heat and rain. Yet I have been having the winter blues!

I have been seeking refuge in the Bear (that’s why we call him the Bear *wink*) and in prayer (right down on me knees!) and sitting in church like the people you see in the South on the telly. I couldn’t go back home to mum’s cos a whole new war zone has broken out there. And whilst being with my kids would have lighten my day, I really couldn’t tell them another lie when they ask “Mummy why are you looking so sad?”

I can do so many things, take so many things in my stride but the two things I cannot fight off is deafening silence and the lack of ability to turn things around. To change darkness to light, tears to laughter, worries to solution. I’m a thinker and an implementer. I have to see things to the end. And everything is always needed to be done “yesterday.” Which accounts for why this week has been Mournful Monday, Testy Tuesday, Lost Wednesday and Turdy Thursday.

My folks cannot understand what it is that has driven their out-standing Catholic of a child to storming Heaven so fervently. Never in my hour of needs, even when I was right down on my luck and starving with two young kids in tow, have I consciously asked for graces such as I have been this week past.

When I see your smile, tears run down my face
I can’t replace
And now that I’m strong, I’ve figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I’ll find deep down inside me
I can be the one

While there are many more miracles that I seek to right this thing I call my Life and my World… While the rains will continue to pelt down on our window panes, clogging up traffic and drains… While the roads ahead lies dark, twisty and ridden with potholes… The clouds have given me one burst of light and warmth.

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow long
I can show you I’ll be the one
I’m here for you

I have fought my monsters in the closet and I have come away with some scratches but nothing that would leave permanent scars. And with that experience, comes a realization.

Any assurances I give…. Any promises I make …. Any emotions that I express… They would be nothing but the most honest truth ~ Truth that comes from within, and without any fears or anxiety. Nothing something done or said, to cast me in a better light, to make me out to be someone I think I should be, and most importantly, not out of desperation.

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you send me to Heaven

See I told you so… I’ll get round to it… soon-ish and eventually *grin*

Your Guardian Angel
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Hush Lil Baby

Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's going to buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring.

I visited with Mandy and her baby recently. Lil fella has grown a fair bit since I saw him aged Day 2. For the first time in many years, I held a newborn baby in my arms. While I was doing the crazy-Aunt-Barb talk to him, I thought to myself: What is it going to take for me to ever wanna come back to this place.

And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's going to buy you a looking glass.
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's going to buy you a billy goat.

It was a pretty strange, yet not foreign thought. Garlic has asked me numerous times - is it something that I would consider doing again, especially with L&L old enough to do their own thing as it is. Diaper bags, baby prams, interrupted sleep??? ... yeah - I must be crazy!

And if that billy goat won't pull,
Mama's going to buy you a cart and bull.
And if that cart and bull turn over,
Mama's going to buy you a dog named Rover.

But I think at the end of the day, it's not really up to me to decide ~ if I wanna be doing the whole pacifier-rattle-nappy scene. Afterall, even with advanced bio-technology, it still doesn't guarantee you'd get what you want. So while I may say "No-Way Jose" now, and there chance upon a time when I change my mind, I might not be given what I want then either.

And if that dog named Rover won't bark,
Mama's going to buy you a horse and cart.
And if that horse and cart fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

Kids: one of those things in life that you wouldn't know what you're missing out on, until you're actually missing them!

Which is probably why, we should remember to treat each one of them as a special gift with a tag that bears your name.

One of Us

If God were one of us, He would probably have smacked me by now. I've gone from one request to another. But I think I finally hit the right one. For my world is calm once more, in the turbulence.

Ask me again ... I have your answer ready. And this time, it'll definitely be the correct one to give.

It's the hardest, yet easiest place to arrive at. But I'm glad I'm here finally. And if I stumble on this way, I'm not alone.

Aye Cap'ain

I left the office yesterday evening, in the great search for candles. Not the fancy ones that you would find scattered around my house but plain white ones. Finally found them in this wee lil mum-and-pop shop out in Section 5 and headed on to my next destination.

Last night was spent in front of the telly. Not being used to watching the telly on Monday nights, I instead spent it trying to beat my already high score on Channel 882. I also tried to convince the Bear that he should invest in a caravan, paint it purple and go on a great driving adventure to no-where with me. We'll be the 1st in town to have a purple caravan, and it'll create a sense of community spirit as we'll have the Barney song blaring out of speakers attached to the roof.

Paul said this morning : Conquer your fears the Nike way ~ feel it and take action anyway. Very similar lines to the context of the book: Tuesdays with Morrie, where he says - recognise the emotion, embrace and then move on.

But these are not ordinary days of our lives. These are unchartered territories. We're no longer talking about dust-bunnies and carpets. This is REALITY. And as my favourite character (perhaps, once upon a time) says in her latest attempt at being bright, shiny and whole:

Reality is much stormier.

Much murkier.

Much scarier.

My action: Sit very, very still and draw pictures of my purple caravan. Ask anyone who's been out to sea ~ the best thing to do in a storm is to do NOTHING but let the waves carry you. Which is why I have not consumed a drop of alcohol nor popped any z-type pills. And I must say, I am feeling darn proud of myself for that. No lolling on the balcony either.

It may not seem much, but sometimes for a person of action, the "inaction" itself is a big step.

Then when it's all died down, I'll slowly make my way back to course and hopefully, land once again.

Slaves & Free Men

I'm a FREE person. I'm not a SLAVE. I should behave like a free person, and not one with chains. ... I'm alright and come what may, I will be alright. Seriously.

Free Bird

I spent the weekend at home with the kids, alternating between reading, hiding under my blanket and engulfing the young’uns in mindless trivia. We could have done more, such as go mall-ratting or hit Lydia’s school carnival but I couldn’t find the energy to go beyond what I have to. Not this weekend. And I am frankly disappointed with myself for I have made sure the past month or so that their time with me has been quality time.

The book that I’ve just finished is called “Goodnight, Beautiful”. It should not have been something to pick up and read. Maybe that’s why I have refrained from buying new books. Old ones re-read don’t contain many surprises to throw you off your seat. New ones – they tend to do that to me.

I am spiraling yet again. And I hate it. It’s a place I have not been back to in a long while (well, six months or so) – and I haven’t missed it long enough to be thrown back in here.

PEr comments in his latest posting ~ Where are the classes for dealing with the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, the failure of a relationship? No wonder so many people feel lost and alone when they are going through hard times. No wonder many turn to alcohol and even suicide. How many times have you heard someone in distress say, "I can't see a way out."

I sat next to a couple of strangers last week at the café downstairs. With my walkman plugged in, they thought my ears were oblivious to their conversation, during which she brought her friend up to speed with all that’s been going on in her life, ending with “I’m seeing someone I should not be seeing.” And in that moment, I wished with all my might, I had her good fortune ~ of having a friend to sit and talk to like so.

Yet, it is not to say that I have been abandoned by my friends but they are not what I seek. Not when they treat my life as something of the drama that is lacking in theirs. And because I can smell their need for gossip, drama and everything-else-Wisteria-Lane, I shy away from them and their mindless insensitivity.

LB goes along the same lines, albeit in a 1st person scenario ~ Spare me the madness. But the desperation is there, the moments of despair, all-engulfing loneliness - total and complete, even when I'm not alone it seems I'm still behind a pane of glass, unreachable; removed; untouchable.

I’m at my wits end. I have taken to storming heaven – my brother calls it a rampage of novenas but even in that, I do not know how to put into words my need for help in this downward free-fall.

I need to get away. I feel like a big black cloud has engulfed me and I am choking. Everywhere I turn, I am surrounded by dread…

I need to find my spot of serenity before I well and truly hit rock-bottom and no one can reach me once again... September's ended but I've obviously forgotten that it's time to wake up.

Dread

I jump each time my phone beeps in the early evening. I dunno if it would be the text that I'm dreading. It's a deep fear, one I don't wanna live with. And I'm stuck with it all in my head.

I can't bring it up with him - his world is mad enough as it is.

I can't tell any of my friends - no one would understand.

I hate being here, in THIS place ... please somebody - TAKE A GUN AND SHOOT ME!

As We Know It

change ~ verb (used with object)

1. To make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone
2. To transform or convert (usually fol. by into)
3. To substitute another or others for; exchange for something else, usually of the same kind
4. To give and take reciprocally; interchange
5. To transfer from one (conveyance) to another

Call it what you like, but there is a change in the air around us. The world as we know it, is changing, be it in big, bold, life-changing strikes or subtle nuiances that could escape the naked eye if unobserved.

Nobody likes change. I, especially abhor it. If I can, I would choose to live in a vacuum with no one but those who are important and the essential things to get me by. And while I have strived to build my world as tightly insulated as possible, I too am beginning to feel the effects of the falling dominoes in my wee lil world.

While I write this posting, I have four other windows open on my screen (sadly, I do not have the luxury of having 4 computer screens as a telly on my desk!):

1. The 1st is the live US Presidential Debate that's on-going ~ everyone loves a good cat-fight and this one is no exception. As McCain said - It's gloves off! So bring it on dudes! Pity tho neither of the candidates have a head full of hair for full appreciation of hair-pulling.
2. The 2nd is MalaysiaKini to watch for the latest decision by our PM if he is going to continue this headless-chicken-in-a-coop thingymajig he's got going ~ Let's face it this man went off the deep end of the pool, floudered badly and is still going "I'm alright. Don't need no floaties! *Bloop* *Bloop* *Bloop* Somebody just put the poor chapie out of his misery so he can enjoy married life once again!
3. The 3rd on Bloomberg ~ The screens have gone from Wall St Crisis to America's Crisis to World Economy Crisis. As Bernard Lo said this morning ~ he's gone on a two-week vacation only to come back into a black hole. Yeah - I've missed you too Bernie!
4. The last one on my email inbox, waiting to see if my best buddy is going to cave and send some long email for me to ponder on until we meet for dinner later today.

I do not have direct vested interest in any of these screens. Yet, the outcome of each would bring about some sort of shift in my life.

-> I do not want to worry about changing geographical boundaries, policies and direction that the Land of the Free becomes too much of a radical.

-> I do not want to worry about having to stock up on food in case the streets gets too clogged with unhappy persons wielding weapons against the men in blue.

-> I do not want to worry about how much more I have to cut back today so that tomorrow Lydia and Luke would have enough funds to study where they want, and what they want.

-> I do not want to worry that in the middle of the night, I'm gonna get a text saying "I'm being shipped off tomorrow cos it's just gotten too bad on the scene."

-> I do not want to worry that I would one day find my best buddy evolving to a level where I can no longer anticipate what he says and think.

Frankly, I am so worned out by these shifting sands. I wish everything would bottom out once and for all so we know well and truly, where it IS that we stand and what sort of foundations that we have to depend on.

Even then, Life as we know it, would never be the same again.

Dey Who?

Not too long ago, I was told not to get anymore goodies. I defied that instruction yesterday as I headed over to Hock Choon and bought bucket loads of cereal bars and Pop Tarts. I reckoned all the way thru the hour long drive home, that I was sure to be smacked on the head for it. But I was armed and ready with an explanation that couldn't lose ~ I'm bad at taking instructions and I'm stubborn.

They say that what you DO is sometimes worth more its weight in gold than what you SAY. And if you were to ask any of my closemates, they would probably tell you that I'm more of the doing-kind than the saying-kind. Yes, I have a lot of words to use per day but when push comes to shove, I am almost always out of words.

So yeah, there was a lil baggy stuffed with all kinds of grab-grub that would hopefully see the end of the week. And no, I didn't get smacked in the head but got great bear hugs instead. Which is very, very nice (see - told ya I sometimes lose my words).

All in all, it was an excellent start to the week and month. I can hardly believe it's already October. Something in my bones tell me, it can and will only get better. Afterall, it ain't everyday that someone tells ya he would buy you a house if he 1) remembers to buy a lotto ticket tomorrow and 2) picks the winning numbers! Nor is it everyday that someone says that having a security pass to my new place would be a great thing.

Sometimes, you've gotta take the risk to enjoy the rewards.

Through the fire, through the rain
Through the joy and the pain
Through the fights, through the change
Through the nights, through the days

It damn all remains the same
I'm gonna you the world

The "world" right now seems contained to great bear hugs, knowing my thoughts before I speak them out and a whole lot of love. But that's rewards enough for this girl.

Give you the world

The Dey

Small Wonders

There's been a change in the air around me. I had thought it was a brief spat of appreciation. But it's still going on. I really shouldn't question this turn of events. I should bask in it, counting it as the small wonders of LIFE. It's all good. I should not turn away goodness.

Dashed Beaver

It's a rainy Friday afternoon. The skies are gloomy as I look out the office windows.

And someone out there is just as glum as the skies are. It just has to happen with the weekend round the corner, eh? Talk about rotten tomatoes and timing!

I think I should go buy that elusive lottery ticket tomorrow. Twenty million buckeroos would go a long way in terms of restoring smiles upon that face. Or at least, it'll bring back the car that could at least sit in the house when I can't.

All's Sorted

I have been harping the last month or so about noisy neighbours, beeping-car-alarms and The Bold & Beautiful type soap dramas outside my room window. This would all thankfully come to an end in about.. oh.. 11 weeks or so.

Yups! The unimaginable has been achieved - finding the right place to move to on the right side of the Valley! This is after looking at almost 10 units in different locations and a whole lot of frustrations.

It's not a big place - enough to have space to move and not too big that I'd feel lost in it when the kids are not home. There's no balcony but hey - hopefully there would be no need or reason for me to wanna loll on one anyways! It's less than 15 minutes to work and 7 minutes to Mum's. And yes, there's no more need to trudge thru 2 toll gates and some 20 kilometres *grin*

So there you have it folks - Barbsie and kiddies are moving house after Christmas! Hip-hip-Hooray!

Volunteers to do more than carry the flower pot are most welcomed! Apply within *wink*