There to Here

It’s Saturday. The day's work is done. I just had my dinner. I even did my laundry of the week and gave Benny-Blue a wash. It looked like it was gonna pour but the load did get some some sunlight. And it didn’t pour, which is good. There is nothing I hate more than the stale smell of half-dried laundry. And Benny-blue would then have to be washed again, and I hate doing that cos it's big and heavy.

An old friend rung this afternoon. I’m still getting used to seeing his name pop up on caller-ID. I have not seen him in .. oh ... a mere 12 years and he's now in town. We've made arrangements for breakfast tomorrow, which is great. I'm waiting for that whole excitement of "Whoopie-doo!" to kick in.. It hasn't.

I have a bit of mise-en-place to do... mash up some garlic, melt down some onions ~ that sort of stuff. I am wondering if it can wait till Monday after work seeing how I'd be done by half 3 and so plenty of time to get some food ready. Yes, I think I should leave it till then - it'll give me something to do other than watch telly.

I am pondering on the wisdom of lodging this post. I am becoming self-conscious once again, wondering what people will think or say when they know what’s going on in my head. Someone’s put a cramp on my style yet again and I do not like it. And because I do not like it, and it’s not the ME that I want to be… here this goes…

It’s not any ordinary Saturday. But then again, looking at it now, it is a mere Saturday – the last in May. But this post is not about Saturdays (cos Monday's the only day of the week we'd ever talk about here)... it's about jewelry.. or accessories as one calls them.

I wear only one piece of jewelry on me. It’s a bracelet that I’ve worn for a year to the T. I’ve only ever taken it off once, in a fit of fury and threw it somewhere in the house, only to hunt high and low for it a week later. It’s not something expensive, nor is it flashy. In fact, it’s very sedate and very possibly just the thing I would have chosen for myself, if I were one to have accessories.

Never really said this out loud to anyone, though I was asked some time back… But this piece of silver reminds me that I am worth the time and trouble, at the best of times. Call me a sentimental schmuck. Or so lacking in self-faith that I need adornments as reminders of the diamond that I can be.

Time flies. Things change. I’ve gone from ‘there’ to ‘here’ and I am wondering how that happens. How people move across time, days, minutes, seconds and wind up where they are.

But more than wondering, I am certain of one thing ~ ‘forever’ and ‘always’ is a concept of time, space and perspective that shifts from one end of the scale to another. What exists today will not exist in the same quantum tomorrow, the day after, six months down the line.

A year from now... I might be thinking the same thing - How did I get from there to here?!

Fuzzy Buddies

The animals are home ~ Blur Dog and BoBo!

I got Blur some 7 years ago - just before Lydia was born. My best furry buddy, been thru the good, the bad and the ugly with me. BoBo was a prize I won at some fancy dressed thingy at Fairview. He has a brother named FiFi living in Paris.

They've been living with Sen and Nat. Seeing how it's getting kinda quiet at home.. I thought I have them back to stay.

It's good to have them back.

Creative Thinking

Should have posted this days ago... just didn't get round to it... But here's creative thinking for ya!

The game is called RushHour and the objective is to move the red car out of the grid by moving other cars around. This was challenge # 36 and this was the solution to a really blocked grid.

If you can't figure out what's wrong with the picture - you're probably not doing very well on the roads, when it rains and it's rush-hour *grin*

Where-ness day?

Very few people can draw me out of my shell and actually get me to talk about myself. Very, VERY few.

Just had dinner with one such person. But we go way back when I had too-darn-big glasses and weird hair. She thinks I need to '"go back to a place that I have buried away, make peace there, before coming back to here and now...."

I told her, this place does not exist and I didn't really wanna go there.

Having said that, I am scared shitless over nothing. Absolutely N.O.T.H.I.N.G. I think maybe there is some truth in what she's said... but here's the question then ~ Where is THERE?

Darnit! Life is one big riddle ain't it? And apparently, I don't cuss as much as I think I do..

Go figure! It's a Where-ness-day afterall.

Resources

I am always amazed at what one can find on the Internet these days. And I'm having a mighty hearty laugh over a picture I found online. It's a picture I heard about before. But chancing upon it - it's a whole different story.

So yeah.. here I am, having a quiet chuckle and realising at the same time... that... nope, can't do it. Cos if I could, I'd pick up the phone and send the following message through ~ You're right. You're not very photogenic at all! And hair is better left at current lenght, than short! ~ and burst out laughing all over again.

Well, I'm sure one fine day it'll come up.. then I'll say it out-loud.

Sense & Sensibilities..?

I am suffering from what you call information over-load. I now know:

1. The breakdown of the different areas of the United States of America, what to expect from it and how to travel it
2. The actual horsepower a Beemer puts out, compared with a locally made car
3. How to plan my finances in such a way that I can buy a Beemer in the next 2 years. And apparently, I should consider getting a 1-series (only?!)
4. The name and life story of one's uncle (don't ask how that got there, it just did)
5. The breakdown of one's monthly expenditure (errr.. I didn't ask this one either!)

I think in a past life, I might have been a journalist. Either that or my folks went off tangent when they named me after Barbara Walters, that her ability to draw people out when she wants to, got somehow transfered with her name. But too much information - not particularly useful information (Uncle Jamie *duh*?) kinda leaves one going... "Errr.. Huh?"

I was sitting there in my living room, going “Barb – get a grip on reality!” And saying it over and over again, like a freaking mantras. I don’t do mantras. I am staring at my phone… not sure what the reply should be… Seriously… I am at a loss for words…. Well and truly loss for words.. my words are failing me… WhiteBoy would hit me on the head again for this, I am sure of it.

I know.. be just as confused as I am... Blurrness loves company... Just don't push me into sitting down and ploughing thru all that, just to make sense of it... Long and short of it - nothing unusual happen. Just another Manic Monday. YET... didn't quite feel the same. And I know pretty much that I wasn't the only one weird out by that.

Like I said on Sunday, I won’t have a straight, clean answer. And because WhiteBoy hit me on the head, like I said he would - TWICE ~ I didn’t need no pointless plan. YET it panned out better than I thought. No way would I have been able to take my imagination to this point.

I feel like I’m standing on a field, in a house of candles… “Belissimo” just won’t cut it.

The heat from all the candles burning will probably burn after a while… I can end up scraping my knee real badly, tearing my jeans in the process and all that… but I ain’t pulling on that emergency brakes right now… And I won’t stop now. I can’t stop now. Even if I go tumbling down the hill…

Cos the view of IT… From here on top of the world… IS… BRILLIANT!

A Different Tune on a Monday

The Author would like to start off by declaring that she has been awake since Sunday lunchtime... as such, her thoughts, as normal as they may sound, should not be taken seriously. At.All.

I think today… tonight.. I’m gonna do things differently. Can’t really elaborate in great details here.. and if I told WhiteBoy (who is probably the only person I would likely ever tell what the Grand Plan is), he’ll smack me on the head and walk away.

It’s the only way I know how… apart from doing the unthinkable… or serving the Barbsie Usual (it’ll come to ya soon enough what the Barbsie Usual is)… it might work, it might not… and a great big part of me says that even if it does work, I wouldn’t really hear about it… but I think I’d know it.

Monday always tells me – only I can assess my own risk portfolio.. That bankers can only analyse so much… and so, this is me… Having assessed my own risk portfolio and deciding that I can tolerate a wee bit of risk. At the end of the day, I can’t lose… not cos I’m confident of the outcome – I’m shaking like jello right now… but cos you can’t lose something you never had in the first place. And hence, I can take a bit of risk, just this once for starters.

I know I’d probably feel differently hours from now. I know I’d probably end up not doing what I have decided I will do, when the sun comes up. But for now… it’s the right thing to do for me.

Cos for once, I think I’d like to know what it’s like to be FREE.

Habitually Yours

It’s almost late afternoon on a Sunday, a Sunday where I had lined up a whole pile of work to be done for our Culinary Euro project. Why in heaven’s name did I commit to all that to be cleared by tomorrow, I wonder now. Cos with a system pumped full of painkillers since 4 am, I am in no shape to do any proper work.

I am the one winged bird for flying
Sinking quickly to the ground

Then I remember, it’s cos my kids have gone back to the hometown for the weekend and I was readying myself to be lost today.

~ ** ~

On Friday night, I had dinner with my colleague and my best buddy. Two quite different dudes. But it was quite the laugh and the thing about introducing new people to an existing circle – it shows you a different side to things.

For instance, despite knowing the both of them quite well in the year that I have individually known them, I didn’t know how much creatures of habits they both were. And trust me – it’s not something that has been obvious in our day-to-day course of interactions. And because I’m a simple person, I derive simple pleasures from knowing lil things about my friends that I never knew before.

~ ** ~

We all have our habits, like it or not. We fall back on the tried-and-tested every day in our lives. There’s a way we write, a way we speak, a way we carry ourselves, even the way we make decisions. And these are all habits – our habits.

Just texted my girlfriend a really weird message, that would probably leave her scratching her head and wondering what I am high on. Cos even knowing me for so many yorns, I don’t think I have been this straight-forward with her.

It has to be said tho, that while it is out of the norm for me, I think she’s giving in too much into historical data and letting her habit of thinking get in the way. So much so, that while it has been shown to her that the world can stop for a split second, she’d rather let it go on turning as it used to.

See your faith in me subsiding
See you prime for giving in

But then again, who I am to comment on what she’s thinking and what she’s doing about it?

~ ** ~

It’s a brand new week tomorrow. I should be excited cos once again, Monday’s coming round.

I am the sound of love's arriving
Echoed softly on the sand

But then again, I haven’t been feeling the same since Friday night. So much so to the point, I laid awake (or at least I think I was awake!) and thought of this whole possibility that Monday has shown signs and similarities to a bad-dream I lived for a while. A very long while. And despite what Monday has said to dispel any myth of correlation, it’s still there in my head.

Lay your head upon my shoulder
Lay your hand within my hand

Maybe it’s cos there are many things that I don’t know of, which is a situation that I can easily reverse. I know I should. That the unanswered are harmless enough, it wouldn’t be misconstrued in a manner I do not want it to.

Bear asked me, how it is that I do not hold many facts about this one person? And my simplistic answer was – it never dawn on me to ask. And even if it did, I didn’t. A part of me hems and haws at it ~ Asking person, I am not. Calling person, I am not either.

~ ** ~

Be extraordinary, I always think to myself. Go to my grave, knowing that I have done everything I have wanted to go, gone after everything I have wanted. And die having tried. Yet I live exactly the opposite of what I want to be.

I am the white dove for a soldier
Ever marching as to war

I am so fearful of the monsters lurking in the dark recesses of my mind, that I have allowed myself to blend into the walls of long corridors. And nothing can pry me away from my spot in the wall.

~ ** ~

I have been thinking a lot lately as to where some of my mistakes have been. In part, it’s cos I don’t want to be standing “here” no more. The wall and corridor-view has become boring. I want to know what’s the picture like outside the windows.

I would give my life to save you
I stand guarding at your door

But as we know, sometimes there are no answers to be given or received. And I do it so that I can tell myself that “here” is safe. That no matter how good “there” may be, it’s also been hell-and-back.

~ ** ~

I am the blind man for a watchdog
I am prime for giving in

*sigh* I hate it when I think too much. When I let go of my own guard and be frank, with my own self. And then I go off on my own mis-adventure of pulling and pushing.

For every question, I have my own answer and my own doubt. For every eventuality, I have my own rationale as to why it should be the path I should not walk, and my own temptation as to why it might be fun and worth the trip.

It was once said not too long ago, “Here are all my cards laid on the table. This is me and all that I am. You have to decide if these are enough for you, cos right now, this is all there is to me. This is all that I am. You have to decide if you can live with them.”

And I breathe so you breathe
Let me stand so you'll stand
With all that I am

While I feel that I should stop thinking and start living…. I can’t until I know the answer to my own question… Am I happy with all that I AM? Cos if I am not, then how can you be?

I am a creature of habit in thought…. Cos here’s what I think ~ Many have thought that “all that I am” was enough, but they thought wrong…. Why then would you be any different?

I may not line my clothes up for the next day… I may not take the same route to work every day. I may not even wake up at the same time. But when it comes down to it… I have my habits too…

And I hate having habits.

All that I am
Rob Thomas

Distance and Freedom

My best buddy wrote this in his last email to me, a quote by some dude named Bacon ~ Dolendi modus, timendi non item. Apparently it means - To suffering there is a limit; to fearing, there is none. It has for some reason stuck in my mind. Quite possibly cos I think he’s trying to say something – in not so many words. And I can hazard a guess what it is… but question there then would be, do I want to?

Scream out all the ways you notice
The past is gone, forget what you had

My mum commented yesterday that quite possibly, I have lived alone for far too long, that I have made the sound of silence, the only sound I am now accustomed to. I am still finding it hard to believe that my mum, who rarely ever comments on my life, came up with that statement.

If you’re the only one who knows it
Then you can’t come back to me, I know

My girlfriend from school rung me up yesterday and recounted this scenario she is facing off with this chap. Apparently, he’s one of those she can live without. My question to her was this – if you can live without him, then why are you ringing me up to talk about him?! Why are you letting him bug the hell out of you and disrupting your disposition for the rest of the day?

Do whispers of lovers always hold your way
Underneath the tide in our minds?

Denial – Meredith Grey says it’s a bloody river. Those who live in it would without a doubt agree with her. Cos each and every day, each waking moment, you’re trying your damn best to swim against the current – consciously aware that the fight is already lost and you’re soon going to be carried away by the tide. Each and every moment, you’re consciously aware that you’re gonna reach a point where you have to decide if you’re gonna go with the flow, or die trying.

You say you believe in all this
But you can’t pretend for the sake of faith

I have to ask this out loud ~ is the view downstream that bad that we fight to stay up-stream? Is it so bad to lose control over where you end up being, that we strive to stay alive where we are? In an environment, where everything is moving, is fluid – can we really stay in a vacuum, in a bubble?

Are we the only ones who mean it?
For all you give you take from me

I am taking a moment to reflect upon the two profound statements that have been said to me in the last 48 hours, and the situation that my girlfriend is going thru. And I am thinking of my own expressed views to all of it… and asking, do I really mean it? Or did I say the replies I did cos it’s the expected, the known? How much do I believe in what I say? How much CAN I believe in what I say?

Don’t you wish you were?
Don’t you wish I was?
Something more than mystery to uncover

They say the only people who know you best are one’s mother and one’s best friend. The former, being that her blood runs within you and her heart beats for you. The latter because they are the ones who are there for you no matter what, good and bad.

Don’t you wish I was?
Don’t you wish we were?
Lovers without distance from each other

For all the truths in a lot of things thought, there is also one very blatant lie.

And I had wished you were
And I had wished we were
Lovers without distance from each other

They also say that acknowledgment is the key to recovery.

Would it? Is it?

Am I even ready to hazard finding the truth in either of them out?

Distance
Neverending White Lights

An Excellent Ending..

I'm sleepy... but it's been worth the while.

My fingernails are also now quite uneven... but again, it's been worth the while.

It's a RED-letter day and I don't need to tell ya why!

The Worth Of...

Worth ~ adjective

1. Equal in value to something specified
2. Deserving of; meriting
3. Having wealth or riches amounting to

There’s this song by Frankie Valli playing in my head.. and it goes something like this ~ “Late December back in '63, What a very special time for me, 'Cause I remember what a night…” Okay, so it’s not 1963 but 2008… but hell – it could be 1963 for all I care. Cos everything that I did in the last 24 hours paid off – and NOT in the way your dirty mind is working right now.

I mean, I’ve cooked or hosted luncheons and dinners before. Yet as far back as I can recall, no one – I’ll say that again, NO ONE has ever like stared at the food on the table, wide-eyed and dropped-jaw. And it was a good stare. And no one has savoured food like I’ve just watched it being savoured.

So while there’s a load of dishes to be washed, many thanks to be given to my kitchen crew… right now – it’s all worth it.

I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder
Spinnin' my head around and taking my body under.
Oh, what a night!

Barbsie’s matched the challenge to top the week before. And the smile is reward enough for her.

Gone to Town!!!

A week ago, I wrote about putting together an outstanding Ploughman's Platter. Okay, so I ain't putting together a platter per se. But in it's place is a 5-star hotel standard and styled canape platter. And as the clock ticks down to T-4 hours, I am about speechless for words.

I just had a peeped at the chiller and what I saw, blew my mind away. Quality beef being roasted and tucked into neat parcels with lightly sauteed asparagus, peppers and carrots... Smoked salmon twisted into a flower with horseradish cream and salmon row... 3 types of cheeses creams and piped onto a bed of sliced grapes and rye toast..

WOWZERS and you would agree with me, right?

I am, in a sense, quite relieved that I actually took the time to give the house a thorough cleaning. Cos food like this - deserves a clean floor and table to be laid out on. Now all I have to ensure it that my own inoki-wrapped-in-bacon and lamb sausage turns out not too shabby. If they do, I might just have to resort to dining in the dark.

My colleagues have gone to town with this one. Lord help me if this is the standard that is to be set! Can't freaking do this every week now can I?

Baby Leaps

Okay. So it's been a bit of an exciting weekend.

Took Lydia and Luke down to the pool all by myself. We've not gone there since.. I can't remember when. And even then, I was always the towel lady. Seeing how I realised that if I didn't take them, no one else was going to - it was splishy-splashy time.

I was amazed tho that Lydia actually went in without a fight and that she even floated away on her own (with arm floaties and board of course) without a peep. One person got a pic of it, and I hope he's darn proud cos he's almost been the victim of near-drowning due to child-grabbing-neck-and-cutting-off-airflow, once too many.

What brought this about? I think it's cos she set her mind to it. I recall a couple of weeks back, when she said that Luke was much better at swimming than she was. And I told her that if she let go of the fear, trusted me, she'd be fine. And she was! *Beams all around now*

And I think I've learnt a lesson from Lydia... if you don't try, you wouldn't know... and so it was with that, that I set about doing something I've never quite done before. And hey you know what - it wasn't so bad, afterall.

Yeah.. the water's cool - let's all jump in now.

Something's Gotta Give

WhiteBoy asked me this week, "Whatcha going to do when your kids come back and live with you?" My honest answer - I don't know. It's NOT the responsible parent thing to say, I know. But it's the honest truth.

Right now, they come home one night a week. One night a week where I sit with them, tuck them in, read them a story, give them their milk and share my bed when they get nightmares.

I wish I could give them more than just one night a week. It seems so not right, that they share the same amount of time that CindyMan has of my world, or even Bear, when we have our Foodie Fridays. It seems not right that my angels are on par with the rest of the people who are important, who should not be as important as they are.

But I'm not quite ready to grow up and go back to doing the whole full-time parenting thing either. Having been here for a while, I have grown quite fond of being able to head out for food or a drink or a drive, whenever I like, be it alone or with friends. I'm doing things that I used to do in my early 20s and I'm not ready to go back to the whole cooking and cleaning thingy again.

Maybe that's why CindyMan says I'm fearful, that I can't handle some things in life. That while I'm different, I'm really actually quite handicapped.

Something's gotta give, I know. What exactly, I haven't quite figured it out yet. I suppose in time, it will come to me, and I will do the right thing.

But NOW doesn't appear to be it.

The Becoming

Here I am sitting here awaiting the download of the latest Grey’s Anatomy episode, entitled “Becoming”. With its return after a 6 week hiatus, the show has really taken on a turn. I’m not too sure what to expect, with another 3 episodes to go before the season’s finale. This season has been really, really confusing ~ it’s a little harder to identify, and not identify, with the characters of the show.

Change ~ letting go of the old and embracing the new.
Redefining who you are and struggling like crazy
to be that better version of yourself
that you see in your head.

According to the writer of the episode, it’s about “Becoming who you want to be, who you know you could be if you weren't quite so screwed up or preoccupied with kissing when you need to be thinking about surgery (or work for the rest of us).” Apparently, all the characters (and humans in general) are trying, really trying, to become these people they see in their head, the versions of themselves who are strong and successful and happy, their best selves.

While I have always said that life is not the goggle box we call tv, and as such, life should not be lived on a celluloid level, I cannot help but feel a very strong connection with Ms Grey and her crew. That there comes a point in time, that we have to sit up, and listen to ourselves – to what we want, where we’re heading and how we’re gonna get there.

Becoming is hard ~ it hurts like hell
And can cost you friends and lovers

and career advancement.

A lot of changes have been taking place in my life... from my impending departure from my current job, to a new one that’s suppose to take me sky-high… from coming to terms with certain characters in my life and learning to accept new ones in… from throwing myself into my work when I get home, to switching off and finding that there are other things to do besides work. All big changes, none of them baby steps.

Some will succeed, and others will fail.
But all of them will try.

It’s hard to discern which of these changes would be the biggest in terms of impact. All of them are rather profound and all will likely have good outcomes to it. The most surprising commonality of them all is this ~ that I am trying. Trying to see the good in each of these changes and embrace them.

Some of these changes I can take in my stride. But one of them scares the hell out of me, and it is the one that I have pushed to the very back of my head. Unfortunately it always creeps back up in on me. I suppose, I have improved on this area, in the sense that I have not gone and done a Barbsie-usual but still hanging in there.

I suppose at the end of the day, one has to take the leap of faith, somehow, somewhere and not think too much about it.

Because the alternative ~ standing still
Just.Isn't.An.Option.

Maybe someday, if I'm honest enough with myself, I might just come outloud and say it... who knows eh? Afterall, it's all about Becoming... Barbsie.

Food, food and food...

People these days, it seems, congregate over food. The better the food, the greater the atmosphere. Of course, with some ho-ho-ho, hey - it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

I'm marvelling over the pictures that have come up over today from WhiteBoy's party. (Check it out here @ Kim's and Grisela's) There were some amazing shots taken which bears testiment to one hell of a great night for the year 2008. And it was all centred around food - a whole bunch of strangers coming together for some cheese from WhiteBoy's hometown!

I have always hated eating alone. One of my fave phrases had always been - to eat alone, I might as well not eat. Somewhere along the lines, either the hunger pangs got to me, or I decided that to go without food just cos I didn't have the company was utter insanity. I think it's precisely cos of where I used to stand, that good company - quality company, over nice food, doubles up in brownie points.

It really shouldn't surprise me, as I reflect on the groups that have come thru the doors of my restaurant since its opening - people who come in pairs or groups, tend to linger longer than single diners. Plates gets passed around and mouthful of food leave your plate and into someone's mouth.

As it was just said ~ it only seems to get better, week after week ~ hence, it's only apt that at least one week gets spent on a mutual fave past-time of eating and nothing else (*ahem* yes - nothing else)

And so, the search for the perfect Ploughman's Platter starts tonight (or morning!).. I have 7 days to put it together. I'm psyched, I must say, though I'm not sure why. Maybe cos the last couple of hours have been spent planning what goes in on it, and what doesn't. That's crossing the line, I know.

But heck - we'll just write it down to enjoying a good hot meal with a dead animal on it. Or we'll call it plain Vengence Dining.

Failing Badly

dis·ap·point ~verb (used with object)

1. To fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of
2. To defeat the fulfillment of (hopes, plans, etc.); thwart; frustrate

It’s Mother’s Day today. I have yet to ring my Mum. Not only have I not rung her, I have set my phone profile so that it only rings for one person in my entire phonebook. I was supposed to be cooking lunch for her and the family this afternoon, but that has been called off. I didn’t even tell her in person. I just texted my brother to tell him so.

I do not want to talk to anybody or see anyone just right now because I am tired of being disappointed by people, and myself. I think in one physical week, one’s mind, heart and soul can only take so many falls… and this week has far exceeded its allotment.

Pain. You just have to ride it out.

From the folks at home (dad didn’t want to take up my invitation to lunch cos he had to go to church!), to the people at work (got whacked for something and again the MEN didn’t do jack), to the person closest to me (and I really don’t wanna talk about this cos if I did, I wouldn’t stop at that)… everyone has had a right go at me.

I have been keeping it all in cos I’ve been telling myself, “It’s cos I’m not good enough … hence this.” But I can only say that so many times. And I’m tired of being a broken record.

I know I am being rather ungrateful in all this. That with the exception of my bosses, everyone else probably deserves the benefit of doubt. A serial bride told me over tea, that people, who are so used to being alone, become very selfish. I think, as screwed up as she might be (she loves getting married, she hates being married), there is a whole lot of truth in her statement.

You can only hope it goes away on its own,
Hope the wound that caused it heals.

But for now, I really don’t care if I am indeed being selfish. If I don’t look out for myself, ain’t no one else is. If I don’t stop and ask myself in the mirror “Are you okay?” ain’t no one else is.

Somebody asked me last week, “Why do you always go underground?” I have yet to reply that note cos I have been searching for the answer(s) to that myself. And I think I found it.

There are no solutions, no easy answers,

It’s cos I cannot stand being hurt over and over again by myself when I set my expectations of how it is to be part of something ~ a family, a workforce, a circle of friends, and when those expectations fail me, when the people in those communities fail me.

You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.

Save the Night

I am rather amazed that after only 5 hours of sleep, I am fresh and wide awake for the weekend. WhiteBoy threw a wine-and-cheese-fondue party last night.

Was going to sit it out, but snaked my way there nonetheless. Quite simply because my so-called Best Buddy took me out for dinner with 2 other people, 1 of whom did enough talking for the whole world, and it was over and done with in under 45 minutes. Anyways, enough about that gripe ~ let's all just pretend that yesterday didn't happen on that note.

Coming back, cheese. Hot cheese. Oh and don't forget - The Europeans and their cheese. Hot Cheese! I wasn't too sure what the fuss was all about initially. Cheese, is cheese, is cheese, ain't it? Sure, we had fun eating it while we were kids - the tubes, the slices, the cubes. But here's the thing - it's more fun eating it as adults over a tippy pot and a whole lot of sloshed people.

Denise and Grisela who is the lower blob of cheese, fighting it out for garlic

And sloshed we were - don't even begin to ask how many bottles of wine were there when the Absinthe was brought out. Now WhiteBoy has (also) been raving about the bottles that his bro brought for him from Czech Republic. And now, I think we'll all rave about it with him.

I have had some serious shit poured down my throat in this lifetime but drinking something that was banned for a great number of years, and once thought to contain hallucinogenic properties? Bring it on Charlie! And don't stop at one too darling!

A burning cube of sugar being melted into a shot of absinthe

And so as all party goes, I would have to say, never has a party been more timely than WhiteBoy's European Blast. A roomful of strangers, save for Adam and Loicky, French phrases flying loud and clear over my head (Merde anyone?), good food and good alcohol.

I think phone numbers were exchanged towards the end of the night ~ between you and me, I think it was the ladies' ploy to get hold of Adam's number... and I'm sure we'll all have another blast like that sometime soon.

Ignore the fact that we all have red eyes like vampires. The people in the picture are one heck of an excellent bunch who didn't mind sitting around with me till late into the night. Goes to show you don't really need to have known someone for a long while to call them your friends.

All you need is for the right ingredients to come together, at the right time.

And that saved the day!

Finger Food

I sliced the tip off my left thumb today at work. At the most inopportune moment when the restaurant was smack in the middle of lunch service. Now if I did that while filleting a side of salmon or deboning a chicken, at least I'd have something to brag about. Unfortunately, I did it while slicing bread. Yeah - b.r.e.a.d. *duh*

It's just been one of them sort of week. Nothing anyone says or does comes across as music to my ears. Everything seem to take on a whole new bleak, dark meaning.

So much for being smurfing happy.

Senandung Malam

I was talking to a brother last night at Bodega and this was what he said: Sometimes Barbs, you've just gotta take the train, even if you don't do trains.

It's taken me a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGggggggggggggggg time in arriving here. But ya know what? It's a nice place to be.

And that shall be my personal highlight of the day.

Run, Forrest, Run!

Back to School

So it's been a while since I hit the books - about 13 months thereabouts. And so, even I am quite surprise that one fine Sunday afternoon, I decided the time is NOW.

Since then, I've have found the programme I am gonna pursue, sought the consent of my folks (yes their consent) and sorted out how I am gonna pay for it. Wasn't too much of a rocket science that couldn't be sorted out and here's the final deal:

1. The University would be Monash (a Group of 8)
2. The programme would be Masters in International Business (or rather, my unfinished business from the days of UK)
3. Tthe folks were sold the minute Monash was mentioned (blame their partialiaty towards sheep and the outback), and last but not least,
4. Here's a big thanks to the Malaysian Government and the compulsory EPF contribution.

The 2nd half of this year is gonna be one of big changes then with this new wheel in motion. New job (starts 1st July), shorter working hours (in the words of Dolly - 9 to 5), weekends free (woo-hoo!) and night school twice a week.

As WhiteBoy says... Night school twice a week, L&L two nights a week, massive partying with him once a week, shag like a rabbit once a week - I'd still have one night to sleep and re-charge.

Sounds like a plan I say... hand me that backpack and my lunchbox.

Barbsie's heading back to school and can't wait!

What Dreamz II

*Lol* Talk about vivid dreams.. this was one I could do without... 15 hours on, I am finally able to laugh about it, and wonder what brought it about... Cos honestly, it's not something that has been in this head! Trust me on this one.

And well, the Bear rarely ever invades my sleep. So go figure my choice of staring characters..Have yet to tell him what it was about yet... Errr.. let's just say, I don't need him smacking me with another dinner napkin just yet *lol*

But hey - I am now able to have a good, honest (did I just say honest??), hearty laugh before I go to bed.

It's a brand new week... and hey - trust my best buddy to be the one to put a smile on my face (oh so the wrong thing to say in context here) so I can ring in the new week with good cheer.

In My Pad

Here's the best way to come home:

1. Head straight to the freezer
2. Whip out the vodka
3. Pour ya self a nice ice cold shot
4. Top it up with ya fave mixer
5. Putting the best trance tracks
6. Light one candle
7. Take off your top
8. Down ya drink
9. Light up a fag
10. Dance ya heart out without a care in the world

Works all the time - EVERY TIME!

Hey - I'm entitled to it. After the crap week I've been put thru, and I've put myself thru - I DAMN BLOODY HELL DESERVE IT!

Go on - judge me all ya want.. I don't give a rat's arse about what you or the neighbours think.

This IS Barbsie Loaded. Can you handle THAT?

I didn't think so too.

The Bag

For today... just call me Bozo the Clown and punch away. You wouldn't be the only one. You'd just be one of the many.

Go on.. it's not gonna hurt. When one gets hit that many times, one learns how to shut off the pain.

Nothing I do, will EVER be good enough. To anybody. So I think.. I'm just gonna stop trying.

I'm tired of this thing we call Life.

Closer

A good friend told me about a year ago, that I should watch this movie. I just caught it, 365 days later.

“Twisted” was what one of my old friends said last night when I mentioned it. It’s apparently one of those movies that make you wonder why the world is such, why we are such, and that everything in the movie is quite true.

And so I came home after a wonderful dinner with two old friends and downloaded the movie.

~ ** ~

It’s a holiday today. I got to sleep in a lot later. But then again, I woke up at half 4 to watch the game and to see a text message come in at quarter past 5 from Charlie.

It was funny cos Charlie comes and goes as he likes. I tried for a very brief moment to figure out what make Charlie ticks and why Charlie keeps on coming back. And then I stopped. I stopped trying to figure Charlie out cos WhiteBoy gave me my answer.

No one will ever love you as much as I do. Why isn't love enough?

I’m as perfect as anyone of them could ever ask for. I know that for a fact. I think at times, they can’t believe their good fortune on this note. And so now I ask a new question ~ at what price do I pay for being so perfect in another’s eyes?

You don't know the first thing about love, because you don't understand compromise.

~ ** ~

We sat around last night, trying to piece together a joint memory. Each one of us seemed to only recall bits and pieces of the 2 days and 1 night that we all shared together. It brings a smile to my face especially when I recall how carefree we were back then. No pretense. No excuses. No pauses.

Why do memories fade away? Why do we only remember the things we do? What qualifying criteria do we subconsciously apply when we have to free up space in our head and let go of things that we now forget?

Don't stop loving me. I can see it draining out of you.
It's me, remember? It was a stupid thing to do and it meant nothing.
If you love me enough, you'll forgive me.

~ ** ~

I’m having a late lunch with an ex-boyfriend in about an hour. We’re heading out to this suburban neighbourhood that we used to hang out in. As I said in my text to him just, “You used to try and kill me by making me walk up those hills early Sunday mornings!”

And we’re gonna talk cos in the end, he’s one of those people that I can sit and tell the truth to. One of those people I can risk bearing it all to cos he’s seen me at my best and he’s seen me at my worst. One of those people that I have said things to that I can never take back.

And I’m gonna tell him that I’m tired. That years on, I’m still tired. That I’m tired of being tired. But that I don’t know how to rest.

Everybody wants to be happy.
Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed.
If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore.
They'd have to go out into the world and live.
Which can be depressing.

~ ** ~

I live for 2 days in a week.

Sundays cos I can lie in with L&L, horse around with them, walk with them by my side and hold their hands. And lately, Mondays cos that’s my name. Yups.. not Barbs or Barbsie but Monday. And strangely, it’s a name I’ve come to like.

The rest of the week – it comes and it goes. The sun rises and the sun sets. Work goes on and so does the traffic and the rain clouds. I fill them in with dinner with old friends, chill out sessions with my staff, my books and the Astro remote control.

Mondays are as perfect as days can be. Everything seems balanced and for a brief spell, I know that life is indeed a mystery. For a few hours, I know that I am a victim of Fate yet again.

How can one man be so endlessly disappointing?

~ ** ~

I think everyone seeks something in life when we almost have it all. That one big thing that eludes us most of the time. Some of us, when we find it, find that it’s not enough and we go on seeking it out. And for the rest of us, when we find it, we resist it, telling ourselves it’s not what we want and we go on.

Charlie’s text went unanswered. Knowing him, it’ll leave him pondering for a bit, then he’ll probably hit it up and drift off to sleep. That’s Charlie. Strange ain’t it? For someone I do not know well, I can bet my bottom dollar that I do know that much about him.

And in that moment when I chose to turn my phone off so he gets his answer in ways other than words, I became the Not Perfect person, without you knowing it. Just like everything else. And now I do not look forward to Mondays, at least not the next one.

There's a moment, there's always a moment,
"I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it",
and I don't know when your moment was,
but I bet you there was one.

I think I chose the wrong option in my moment. The very wrong option.

But then again, I think you already knew.