AA

Somebody said to me just... "Why am I telling you all this.. All these plans that I have in my head and the things that I have been thinking about?" And I didn't have anything to say in reply. And I think I know why...

~ ** ~

I have not written anything in the last few days. Partly because I have been busy with my kids, catching up with them and all. There's something priceless about lying in bed at 4 in the afternoon on a Saturday and facing your kid and talking. Just talking.

Partly also because work has been crazy. And the pile has not grown smaller. Like I've said before - I think there are gnomes in the office who crept up when the lights go out and replenish your in-tray to keep it at par level.

~ ** ~

I filled in for a colleague the other day. Went full on, leading my own services and hers, which I might add, in one in deep merde. And yet again, the base illness of "finger-pointing" that plagues most organisations and teams, happened in ours. WTF?! Missed a meal tray? Fucking get cracking on cooking then!

Stood next to the Boss-man thru it all and watched him physically turn red, as red as the shirt he was wearing (and the Boss-man has been sporting some pretty vivid coloured shirts off-late). Told him as much and his reply ~ You would be too if you were in my shoes! Dude - I feel for ya. Truly I do. Cos even though it's your company, it has been my baby too. And to think that 6 months down the line, baby still hasn't learnt how to say "goo-goo-gaa-gaa", I'm pissing in my pants too!

I have also been interviewing people for my job. Yes - weird sounding I know, but then again, my Boss trusts my bloodhound instincts. As he said before - when Barbara smells blood, she goes for the kill. We have not hired anyone from there as yet. Maybe it's cos I have not been going for the kill. Hey - even bloodhounds have something called "honour" - we do not attack those who are already weak in their own rights.

I have been asking tho in the process: Who do I benchmark them against? The expectations of the job description? My boss's expectations? Or my expectations of what this role entails? I have been asking my friends. And they have all told me this: Never benchmark against my own expectations. Cos 30th June will then come and go without me having a replacement.

~ ** ~

I went and stocked up on my library the other day. Bought some books that I would normally pinch off Sen but never buy myself. But hey – what’s life if we do not live dangerously once in a while on the words of some funny people. Needless to say, 4 books purchased and I am down to my last one. A book called “Soul Mountain” bought for two reasons: 1) The book is set in China and I think I’m hoping to relocate my roots before I lose them all completely, and 2) The title of the book.

I’m hoping to be able to indulge in my resolution of 5 new books a month. Maybe give up smoking some and eating some. But hey – reading brings me joy and widens my perspective. Plus now that I have a new book buddy, who has nicely embrace all 6 books that I had picked out for him (wowzers!), I think the book club has been reinstated. Except for Bear and the book with too much veges in them.

~ ** ~

It's also been a quiet few days. I guess the quiet gave me time to recalibrate my thoughts, get my bearings right. Kinda mentally prepare myself for life as it is. And here's a funny thing that I have come to realize: One you pick someone to be YOUR PERSON, no matter what happens, the changes that takes place in both your lives, THAT person, remains YOUR PERSON. Nothing becomes real until it's said outloud to YOUR PERSON. And that happened over the weekend, over a cigarette smoked in my parents' garden.

~ ** ~

I have been giving quite a lot of excuses, reasons, etc as to why things do not change. HAVE NOT change. But the only one that is true is the one I shared on Sunday. There just isn't enough time and time is way to precious right now to be spent on other things.

I have always wondered how other people did it. The jet-setters, the corporate leaders, the head hunchos. And I realise now the amount of acknowledgement and acceptance that goes into it. Once you get there, life is actually not all that bad. Cos you're okay with the fact that to win some, you gotta give some.

~ ** ~

And so it’s a brand new week. There’s loads of work to be done, reviews to look into, milestones to reach. And there’d probably be some great amount of stale air hidden in there as well.

But you know what, I think I’m gonna be alright with that. Cos sometimes, you don’t need to see something to believe in it. You don’t need to hold something in your hand to know it’s there. Sometimes, you just know it, and you go with the flow, trust in it. And if you believe that you “don’t have to”, it’ll be alright.

To quote somebody, “It’s looking to be the start of a magical week.” Someday you think that I'm might kill ya, but you know what - it's alright cos at least you think that if I did, you've died and gone to heaven.

And that is winning some.

Drive to Nowhere

Those of you who know me, would realise that when Barbsie starts spewing chaotic thoughts in a semi-random manner, things are not all rosy and pink as it should be with her.

I have come back to sleepless nights and restless days. I am using the flu as an excuse when people ask me why my eyes are dull and my face pale.

I don't really wanna write anymore. I don't really wanna crack lame jokes of my leg turning green then black before falling off, to compensate for the lack of life. I don't really wanna think anymore. The maggots are just getting way out of control.

As the Bear said rightfully, I am a volcano waiting to blow. And I think I should just hibernate until the underground storms blow over by themselves.

When I finish work today, I just wanna head out to mum's to get my dose of unconditional love from my angels. Then I think I'll fill up the tank and drive ...

A drive to nowhere with my phone off... maybe then I'll be alright again. And if that doesn't work, I'll just keep on driving till I run out of roads.

Atonement

I wanted to see a friendly face. To hear words from someone who's known me far longer than anyone I know today. So I went and sat at J&R with my old school chum after work yesterday over wine and Guinness.

Maybe she made sense. Nothing she said hasn't been said before. (At this point of my writing, I am laughing hysterically cos of a typo that I have just corrected ~ muscle memory I was told before)

I can't make sense of why I woke up at 4 to watch footy and then a movie I've been wanting to catch. I can't make sense as to why I am watching dawn break over the dark blue sky and I am crying. I can't make sense to what I am crying for, or who I am crying for.

I am sorry. So very sorry. I didn't know, didn't see that you tried. Nobody can tell me otherwise in a manner that I would believe. Not even you then. Maybe in another time, we're both not where we are today. Maybe in another time, we really did manage to work it out.

I'm just sorry... so very sorry I didn't try harder.

What dreamz

I’m not the sort of person who dwells on dreams and what-have-you-not in that general direction of seeking answers in life. Yet I am apprehensive about going to bed tonight. And it’s only 8 pm.

I can’t recall all of it. Which is strange cos normally I can recollect my dreams very vividly. I can remember who was in it but not quite what it was about.

All I can recall from it is this: I felt safe, happy and calm.

I dare not look forward to bedtime cos I am fearful that I will get the same dream again (tho Jay says it doesn’t happen) and at the same time, fearful that I won’t.

Doesn’t make sense does it? Nothing seems to anymore off-late. Adam says it’s cos the force is drawing me to the darkside. Resist I must!

I think I should go get some books to read. Tuesdays are becoming a real tosser!

Spring Bunnies

Haven’t you heard I’m stuck on a verse
I’m stuck on a boy who fills me joy
I knew I was wrong to jump straight on into
This picture so pretty but he is so pretty to me

It’s fast becoming a trend ain’t it? Me blogging past midnight… I know.. I recognize it too.

But I couldn’t tell you
Just how long it takes you
Cause words don’t make
What I make with him

I think it’s the conversation. The damn conversation. And when there’s a lull in it, it’s the comfortable silence that fills the space in between. I reckon if I sit really still, I can rationalize this, right and proper ~ come up with a list of “Why I should not”

But do I want to? I’m not too sure. Right now, it’s all good… If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it right?

*Sigh* I hate April… I hate spring… I have to remember what Bear said under the tree.. I have to remember why I hate April and spring.

Your Song
Kate Walsh

Mall-ratting

ther·a·py ~ noun

1. The treatment of disease or disorders, as by some remedial, rehabilitating, or curative process
2. A curative power or quality.
3. Any act, hobby, task, program, etc., that relieves tension.

I have been shopping. Not an activity that I should particularly indulge in. But it’s been a what-the-heck mode. Doesn’t help that there’s aiding and abetting going on as well from all quarters of my social circle.

See who am I to say this situation isn't great?
It's my time to make the most of it

While it has been getting things that I have been putting off getting… like a proper pair of shoes for work (in the form of Crocs Islander with 2 jibbitz for good measure) and a new pair of slippers (seeing how the old ones were from the Year of the Dog)… we all know that Barbs been hitting the malls for reasons other than to dress her feet.

Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me ~ not that easy.
If all along the fault is up for grabs why can't you have it?

Jay calls it getting big plastic pills for the tired heart… Me – let’s just say it’s therapy for dust bunnies …

If it's for sale what is your offer,
I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for

For now.. it's easier to get lost in the weekend crowds, deal with kids who wants everything they see in sight.. and pulling price tags out of merchandise when I get home.. Whatever floats my boat – I’ll buy it for now.

And I will make sure that I…

Pay no more than absolutely zero

I'm not cut out for stuff like that... Who the hell are we kidding?

Reality

Never heard of the group before but hey - they sure know how to read my thoughts and put em into words...

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Guess I'll never know

Yups - the real world prevails yet again. Oh well.. one does tend to get use to it after awhile.

Too close for comfort
McFly

Cinderella Man

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone who's as positive as I am sometimes

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone as closed down as I am sometimes

Despite all that, 4 hours of yet again great conversation in a very relaxed environment.

Amazing what pumpkins can turn out to be before midnight.

Everthing
Alanis Morissette

The Sweet and the Good

They say that time flies.

It’s something like I apologize
It’s something I still can't decide
But I know it gets better
It only gets better

Friday, my son will turn 5. Which means 5 years ago, tonight, I found out that their dad was shacking up with another woman in Singapore. Tomorrow, he would have told me that himself with a text message. 4 hours later, I would drive Lydia and myself in the pouring rain to my folks’ house to drop her, and then on to the hospital myself. At midnight, I would take the decision that Luke was going to come into the world the day after, with only me to lean on.

~ ** ~

They say that over time, one forgets and get better.

And I want to say that it's not always easy
But it's simple that way
And I want to stay and play it out
But I still have my doubts
So you say it gets better
Maybe it's better this way

The other day, I was cleaning up the files on my notebook – 5S-ing it *grins*. I came across the postings I had saved before I deleted an old blog. It was from 2 years ago. I marveled at how dark and twisted I was back then. And all from breaking up with Pups. (Those who had the pleasure or torture to read it then, would know what I’m on about.) But here’s the thing – I was able to read it and laugh at how absurd I was back then. If you think I am bad now, you should have seen me then.

I think the events of the last 2 years feels a lot closer to home as May draws near, cos it’s a lot more recent, compared to 5 years ago.

I had forgotten the poignancy that has always been tied to Lukey’s birthday. I think I managed to forget it last year completely. I tried to search my blog for some sign that I did not. But no – last year it was all about my boy. Not that this year it is not. Just that for some strange reason, this evening, the thought re-appeared in my head all by itself.

~ ** ~

They say that if pain doesn’t kill ya, it only makes ya stronger.

Beautiful things they never stay the same way
They pass and they always change
Who are we is who we are

A lot has changed since then. I recently asked an old friend – Am I still the same Barbs from back then? She thinks I’m still quite the same. Yet, I don’t see myself as such. I may have always been tough and strong, but somehow I feel a whole lot stronger. And I also feel a lot lighter, knowing that much about myself.

But it’s not about being stronger tonight. It’s about how I am finally coming to terms with my wins and my losses. How I no longer have a bitter-aftertaste in my mouth when I think of some people or hear some names. I no longer walk around with a feeling that I have to prove a point, play to win.

But these changes are good. I am more comfortable speaking my mind and I don’t think I have ever been more honest about who I am, how I am, how I live my life, and the things that I seek to achieve.

~ ** ~

They say that the next generation will be better than the current.

When the act of love can get us so far
So good I wish you would think twice on me
Cos it only get better

My grandma recounted on the phone to me today of a conversation she had with Luke during his last trip home. They were waiting in the car for my folks and aunt to grab supper from the stalls. He told my grandma that there was a man sleeping along the five-foot-way. He asked if he could get out of the car. And when asked why, he said “Pity the man, sleeping without a pillow or a blanket. I want to go give him my nappy (his version of the Linus Smelly Blanket) so that he won’t be cold.”

My children are a reflection of me, of my values, as I am a reflection of my parents. I think with that, I can safely say that if my parents sought for me to be better than them – they have achieved it through my kids. For they are a reflection of their selflessness AND MORE. And it is thru them that I know, in the last 5 years, I have become a better person. For if I didn’t, they wouldn’t be who they are today, despite being deemed as not-as-complete-as-the-child-next-door.

~ ** ~

It only gets better, better this way
Just give it some time
Just give it some space
Just give it some time, maybe it's better this way

I can still remember my thoughts that night, if I were to go back in time. I wondered how I was gonna shoulder the responsibility of bringing up Lydia and Luke on my own, not so much financially but rather, emotionally and spiritually. I skipped in my mind, 5, 10 years down the line and I could not for the life of me, see the future at all. But lately when I see my kids, I see the future and all the goodness it will bring.

So I’m saying it here as I said to the Bear earlier:

Pat me on the head
Open a bottle in my name
5 years ago, my world shattered around me
5 years on, I’m still standing

No matter what curve balls life throws me, if I keep my wits about me, and think back on all that I have been thru… remembering this moment – I know I will survive it without losing a piece of my soul.

Promise me you'll always be better

Some people search a lifetime for such peace. I’m not yet 33 and I’ve already found it.

I will always be better - that I have come to accept as fact now.

Theraphy

Vodka, wine, Guinness, Chocolates - you name it, I have it.

It's called Therapeutic Shopping.

Beary Buddy

I have been wanting to write this down for a few days now. Unfortunately, the brain was lost somewhere. Now that the fog has cleared somewhat, I think I should.

I have a friend, affectionately known as the Bear. We've not known each other long but I reckon, he's one of the few who knows me. We're fast coming up to have known each other for a year, a full 365 days.

Just went and had dinner with him - our Foodie Friday. And as I drove home tonight, I felt a burst of joy ~ cos I think Bear and I have reached a milestone in our friendship. And in this long journey of strangeness, it is something indeed to be joyful about.

The countless times that we've had near spats (that itself being only happening cos Bear is highly tolerant!!) and the countless times that I have written here and elsewhere saying "bye-bye Bear", our friendship has not only made a come-back, but to come back even stronger than before.

Here's to some 330-something days of good fun, good cheer, many bumpy rides and what-have-you-not Bear! Effectively as of today - we officially have no more secrets from each other *lol*

I truly hope that in the years to come... he'll remain as my Bear (yes - am trademarking that and making it my IP!!) .... that he'll continue to watch my back, and my cooking will still keep his tummy happy.

And yes - I'll be that best buddy to you by setting it all up for ya!

Lights Out

Today has been a wonky day. So wonky, almost each of my staff asked me out for a ciggarette break. One of them even insisted I go have my BP checked again (that would be twice in 4 days) cos he said my face looked strained.

I am strained. Jay calls it "self-imposed misery". Everyone else who has known me longer would just say it's Barbs being Barbs. Hell - I'm having yet another battle in my head, of course I'm strained!

I have tried to break out of this whinging and bemoaning (actually I have not done much of it!!)... had a fun lunch at the Galleria with Adam and Ian - teasing Ian to high heavens and even finishing an entire slice of cheesecake... sat thru 90 minutes of some departmental management exercise on perception and made it hilarious with answers like "The Staff is King" and emoticons thrown in as illustrations to each of my answers....

Yet... nothing feels right. Not even sitting here at home before 7. Not even cruising thru evening traffic without having to really stop-go-stop. Truly.. someone's stole my bounce and sold it to the Far East. And I am a bit lost as to how to ransom it back.

There seems to be only one solution to all this bad-ju-ju. A simple enough solution but which is one I refuse to take. Mandy was and is right. But I also have every right to preserve myself. Pickle it, can it and store it at the back of the cupboard.

If that is really so, what I want to do, as the Bear says... then why is it that there is one smile that I seek?!

I think I should stop thinking for the rest of the day, finish up my drink, smoke my last fag and turn off the lights and sleep.

Tigger without the Bounce

ob·liv·i·ous ~ adjective

• Lacking conscious awareness

I am down in the doldrumns. As Jay says - "big change from dancing around about 1 or 2 nights ago, to this...." I wish I weren't... I wish I was oblivious... I wish somebody would just hit me on the head really hard just so I snap out of this.

I really don't wanna address what's going on in this head of mine... That is causing me to stare at words of the many work emails and not have anything register in my head. That is causing me to spend 3 hours at a pub and walk out without finishing my drink. That is causing me to wanna throw my phone against the wall, just so I have a logical explanation - On.My.Side.

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked
They've kept me small
They've kept me safe in my own shell

At the end of the day, I'm not conditioned to do the things that everybody says I should be doing. 'Bright and shiny' is nothing but a myth. But then my best girlfriend had to go ask me this.. "You're just forcing Cynical Barb to be back so that you wont get hurt..."

Why don't you try out a new Barb?

I wish I had the guts to.... So until then, it's like Tigger without his bounce...

All things starting with "C"

Sometimes I think I stand in the wings so often that I miss my cue to come on. When I do, it's a nice feeling. Really nice feeling.

Under normal circumstances, I think I'll probably be writing a rant blog... I have been "lectured" in a sense for the last hour or so as to why I should not have procrastinated this long to get things sorted and move on.

Under normal circumstances, I would have said, "You, who have only known me for this long, have no right to be so condescending."

But these aren't normal circumstances are they? Not when the hours fly by over coffee, cake and conversation. Not when it's been said "Let's do this once a week" but then decide mid-way that "Hey - whatcha doing today?"

These are definitely not normal circumstances. Not when there's all my boys rolled into one *lol*

Bring them on I say... nothing like a sugar-rush and a caffeine high early Tuesday morning!

It's yummy... so it's all good :o)

Exiting Measures

Finally. It.Is.Done.

A decision I have been putting off from making, I have finally arrived at a resolution.

It's off to new pastures and new lessons come 1st July. And of course, St Stephen's Greens twice a year *grin*

It may be familiar territories but I am going there in a different capacity. I have to remain open to learning new things so that when the time comes, I am ready to stand on my own two feet.

I have 3 months, 10 weeks to be more precise, to make sure my team reaches the level that I have charted for them. So that my legacy in that boomerang shaped building would remain as the best food outlets in town, for a hospital.

That I have 3 months to accomplish. Then I am done.

They should not be...

Every Sunday morning, after dropping my kids off to Sunday School, I would head off to my Sunday mamak stall for my cuppa joe and tosai. Armed with my music and my book, I have been oblivious to my surroundings at the shop until last weekend.

There was nothing very extraordinary about that Sunday, save for the fact that there was a girl, about 9, lugging a backpack and a younger child in tow, going around the shop with a clear folder. It was pretty obvious she was a child beggar, asking for charity for a specific reason.

Today, they stopped at my table. To my surprise, she spoke very good English. And this was a shock cos I had expected her not to be able to. Seriously - in my 4 years in meeting locally educated kids, very few spoke as well as she did.

And in her fluency, she explained how their family was in need of help for her brother who had an eye condition. Held in the tattered clear folder were his medical records, patient records from a local hospital as well as a doctor's letter explaining his condition. I asked her where her parents were and she explained they were working part-time in the coffee-shop nearby, washing dishes.

And both siblings have stayed with me in my head for the rest of the day, like they have been since last weekend.

I can't help but think of them as I picked my kids up and we headed off to the nearby bakery for brunch. I can't help but think of them as Lydia and Luke ran around in the playground after tea. I can't help but think of them as Luke turns a page and asks me what "has" is and as Lydia sits on the couch reading her fave book.

My kids will go back to school tomorrow and if asked how their weekend was, they would say it has been great with lots of laughter, fun and food with mumsie. I cannot imagine what this girl and her brother has to say when their friends asks them in the morrow how their weekend was.

How do you tell your friends at school that you didn't have a weekend cos you had to go shop-to-shop asking strangers for help in curing your brother from a dreadful illness?

I am not faulting them, they are only doing what they have been asked to do.

I wish I had more in my power to do something really concrete for these children. Maybe I can.... Maybe I should... Maybe I could speak to someone at the hospital, tell this story and see what can be done. I might not be able to save the whole world. But if I can do something within my power to save these two - I would have done something.

At the end of the day... They should not have to grow up this way... they really shouldn't.

I wanna...

Work for this dude.

Have him yell profanities at me left, right, front, back and centre. And then tell me that I've done a great job!

That's it - that's where I wanna be.

Then and only then would I be ready to start my own B&B.

For Goodness Sake!

ac·count·a·ble ~ adjective

1. Subject to the obligation to report, explain, or justify something; responsible; answerable.
2. Capable of being explained; explicable; explainable.

This is something that they should teach in school - around the world. Cos it is sorely lacking in the working world today.

Managing Good Barbsie

My white boy said the darnest thing today. It went something like this:

Not too long ago, at my interview, you only asked me one question, which was: Can you handle serving sick people. This week you asked me, "Boy when are we gonna get it going before we both leave the company?!"

I have to admit (and tis only here that I would say it) - I have gone utterly bonkers this week. Or maybe off-late.

There seem to be a sort-of bounce in my step. Very few things would tick me off (Italian dude included!). It's easier to go to bed and sleep at night. And the voices in the head seemed to have moved neighbourhoods. I have way much fewer dramas and everything can be sorted out with a double-espresso or a moscow mule.

But looking upon it, I'm not too sure if this side of Barbsie is a side that everyone is used to. The I-couldn't-care-less-what-the-world-thinks side.

Well, you know what - just go with the flow I'd say. Whatever floats my boat, shouldn't really sink yours. At the end of the day, it's like what I've just said : I'd probably just run or laugh it right off. And if that doesn't work - it really ain't my problem.

And that's how you manage Barbsie on a jolly good day.

Ta's!

Life is..

Very good. No complains at all.

Well... there could be, but hey - this is what it means by them who say "chill"...

We can address the complaints tomorrow instead.

Good night world.. don't forget the smile now :o)

2 years on...

One fine night, about 2 years ago, I wrote about finding some old friends of mine whom I have lost absolute contact with. Excerpts from it are in italics...

Sad.. sad.. sad.. not the heart broken, stuff my heart thru a sugar-cane press type.. but just a melancholic gloom that looms cos you know that somewhere out there, under the big blue sky.. is someone you were once so close with.. and yet, tonight, you don't even know if you're still breathing the same air.

I spoke to the one missing longest today. I got hold of his number yesterday and well, I didn't have the guts to call. Yeah - lil chicken shite that I am. So I dropped a text instead. And I got a call back today.

I do sit and think about these friends lost.. randy and kwan seng.. wondering what they have done with their lives (they were both great bummers in the time i knew them).. and if they have gone on to make the successes of themselves as was the parents' dreams. I wonder if we walked past each other on the street.. would we stop, turn and stare in shock? And would we resume the great friendship we once shared during days when it was alright to have a guy as your best friend and they were my best pals..

It wasn't that long a call. And apparently, he's back in the country. It's just surreal to hear a voice that I can still hear in my head, ten-years on; to actually hear it in person, on the telephone. Wow is all I can say.

This year (2006), i don't ask for many friendship miracles.. afterall, last year i found my rin-tin-tin man - Kong!.. another friend found this year would be great... either one of the 2, i don't mind.. just to see the familiar smile and hear the familiar voice would do me fine.

And while I have ranted slightly that it was nothing but awkward silences, I suppose given time and the effort to keep in touch, now that the number's there - maybe the silences would go away... And in this time of utter chaos and turbulence, I cannot help but wonder if the closing thought then, still hold true :

Maybe finding you is my way of finding me again.

Whatever it turns out to be - it's still an amazing feeling to know that we've reconnected. My once best buddy and I...

Learning Day

Here's what I learnt today:

Changing a light tube is not all as easy as they say it is.

I should know - just tried to do it and nearly killed myself. For some strange reason, I yanked it out of the casing and then let go of the tube. *Duh* Naturally, it went crashing to the ground, narrowly missing my head by a whisper. Yes - the hair *whoosh* effect did happen.

Everybody say it with me now - So Clever!

Now, not only do I have to continue to shower in the dark, I'm gonna have to get a new casing as well. The Bear said I should just stick to accounting, finance and F&B management.

I think I should listen to him.

Volunteers, anyone? *grin*