Saturday, June 30, 2007

The Ballad of a Bitter End

I had no idea how words, made up of 26 lil squiggles could bring about such pain.

I had always thought that to write it all down, was to expunge the psychological tumours before it consumed you.

A Glass full of Bitter has turned out to be a can full of worms.

So fine - I went and probably pushed the envelope... I made the jump. And yes, there was a bloody ferret at the bottom. So take a gun and shoot me. Trust me - you'll be doing me a favour right now cos I do so wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

For I've gone and done it again. Not say what is meant to be but the complete opposite. I sat and waited, knowing that somewhere there is a shoe waiting to drop. And because I cannot stand the wait any longer, I pulled at the string till it broke. Just so the bloody thing would fall.

So you think my silent friend would resign from being one of my boys when he's read A Glass. And that you saw this coming.

And you - you think you should just stay away for my sanity's sake? And you rail at me for not letting you read it, when I allowed the rest of the world to.

Is everyone so pre-occupied with having their say that what I say no longer has meaning or place?

I'm tired. Tired of walking on eggshells.. broken glass and everything else.

I'm tired of being there for everyone when they fuck up royally, yet having only Mandy to turn to when I fuck up.

If I had more guts, I will climb the rail and jump. And even with broken limbs, I would get back up into my apartment, and jump again. Until I can get back up no more.

That is the state of my mind right now.

But who gives a shit. This is just my ballad of a bitter end. And I'm singing it alone. Cos there's no one else about.

It's now a broken mirror.

Do you see what I see?

A glass full of bitter

I have so many things I want to blog about today. And it’s only half past 11 on a bright and sunny Saturday morning. I have my rum mix next to me, a glass half empty and I have Jared Leto screaming his lungs out on my stereo, saying “Don’t save me, cos I don’t care, cos I’m not okay.”

I should have a spring in my step. After all, when I woke up this morning, I realized that a chap that I have great levels of affection for actually does have some ounce of honour in him. For he knew where to draw the line and bring truth to the statement he once made about friends with benefits, which was “One must know where to draw the line.” So yes, it doesn’t matter that some truths were omitted in the beginning, maybe there really was nothing very much to tell.

And I have a house-warming to go to. The house where I am supposed to live in, in a perfect Happy Family scenario. It’s not a really big house. The last house we lived in was much bigger. But this has a garden. And we had even planned to buy the children bicycles so they could cycle in the yard. We had even talked about the parking configurations for an oh-too-short driveway.

And I have tea-time plans with Grover, which would be a good laugh, if not for anything else.

But yet, I am sitting here, with tears running down my face and drinking mug after mug of Bacardi cos I can and I so desperately want to.

A song comes to mind…

I'm right back where I started, when it comes to wanting you,
I can't have what I wanted
But I did, I can, I was, I am,
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind, , If love's a drug
It always is, It always was and
Love was surely made for fools like me


And I laugh as I sing out loud to it. Cos you once commented that I have this dual personality. And you said it so correctly – “One side that puts on this defense mechanism and you express it as and when you think you need to, to avoid the past to repeat itself. But then there's another side to you...one that is the total opposite... the hopeful side that put the tag line love was surely made for fools like me.”

And you were so right then, as you are now. And I wonder if you came to these conclusions yourself, or did I push you to it?

My girl-person said to me yesterday that we are runners. But we keep coming back. And I hate it. That we kept coming back. I would be equally contented to sit on my balcony, with mug in one hand, and fag in the other, looking into nothing cos then I know that I will never fade away.

I once said in another blog life the following words:

It's no longer a question of having hope. For what good does hope hold when you're not the one saying when, saying who, saying how.

It's now a question of me stepping up to the plate and going after 110% what I want, what I think I deserve. What I know is rightfully mine.

I say WHEN.
I say WHO.
I say HOW.

I don’t know what I want, so it’s bugging the hell out of me. I don’t know if there is something out there, that I want to pursue to the ends of the earth. And when I lose that battle, I will at least be contented in having tried. But because I don’t know… I dangle like a yo-yo.. back and forth, up and down. I don’t have a When, Who nor How.

Last night didn’t have to end feeling as empty as it did at 1 in the morning. But as I drove back from work just now, I can’t help but wonder if I would be feeling any worse this morning after, if I had indeed again had the chance to hold you in my arms, tight as if the rest of the world didn’t matter.

It’s no longer a game. I know that for a fact now. No once drives across the valley and town just to get me for dinner I’m an independent girl and you know it. You know you could have asked me to meet you there and I would not throw a fuss. It throws me off when you say the company was well wroth the drive and effort and that if I missed that fact, you don’t know what else to say.

I also asked once.. Have you ever been a situation where you are destined to meet someone but not fated to be together? Like the invisible hands somehow brought the both of you together but the circle is meant to be left three-quarters complete only. And try as you may to make the circle smaller so that maybe, it would come round by itself... it does not happen.


My life is fast becoming a ridiculous joke of fate – everything coming almost close to a circle but never quite.

~ Pause ~

You just rang. A burst of sunlight and salvation thru my dark hour. It was to check if I had fixed my one broken headlight. I cannot remember anyone else who would actually take such pains to nag me for 2 weeks to get a light fixed. Nor can I remember anyone else who would think to wish me luck for a silly, simple presentation that brought on a migraine attack.

My best buddy asked me the other day ~ why is it that despite everything that you’ve done wrong, I still continue to associate with you.. and sound so happy doing so. Well Pups – I am plain sucker for pain. That’s all I am going to say about that.

DAMN IT! This wasn't supposed to happen!

It was suppose to be nothing more than a game, between you and me. And it didn’t have to be said out loud, cos we both know the rules and neither was suppose to have crossed the line. But well Stan, I’ve dog-gone and done it, by golly me! I'm suppose to be still standing on the edge of the bungee platform, or maybe after standing for so long, still at the edge of it, still wondering to jump or not to jump.

WHO PUSHED ME?! Did you? Or was I so lost in my own thoughts of don'ts that I fell without realising?


~ Pause ~

I just love my girl-persons. They say the wisest words. Some of the things said just includes:

Barbs – we both know that no matter how hard we try not to do the things we say we won’t do, we end up doing it anyway. And when the weight of being crushed actually becomes a reality, you hole up, drink, cry and blog.

Barbs – you choose to leave the house. Remind yourself then as to the reasons you did what you did. And if you can't find happiness today, there's always tomorrow.

~ Pause ~


Alas, in this modern world where the rat race is suppose to wear one down to the point that you ought to have someone at home waiting for your key to turn in the door, and water you up like a dying wilting plant.

I suppose that's where I am different.

Sure, I would love to come home at the end of a long day and have my aching feet massaged. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle me up like I'm a soft teddy bear. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to go to tescos to help me pick what fabric softener we want our clothes to smell off.

But all that doesn't guarantee that I would go to bed at night a lot more satisfied with my station in life, nor would that it guarantee that the wary days end. If there's one thing I have learnt in my wee dreary life of broken hearts and broken dreams, it's that I want guarantees. No more playing around, wearing my heart on a sleeve.


And because a life of guarantees would mean developing expectations… and expectations inadvertently leads to heartache, we shall remain as we are. Back right where we started.

~ Pause ~

I have expanded all I have to expand. My neighbours must think I’m crazy. To be crying tears of anguish in the middle of the day…

You had no idea that I was so freaking drunk and trying to maintain my composure in front of you, just so you don’t know the kind of mess that goes on in my head. And how much I need it to be raining, so that I can go and walk around my complex, trying to gain perspective.


There's a light at each end of this tunnel

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, boys

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe…


Life for people like me will always be as it is. One big giant circus with all the acts coming on at the same time. They say that a clown is saddest with their painted faces.


I feel like a clown.


And it is so apt that the song Throw it all away by Brandi Carlile comes on my lil black box.. and it goes..

When you're near me I have no fear

When I'm untrue you see right through me

You know me as deep as the sea goes

Calm my head whenever the storm blows


In my restless hour I'm holding

The words you say that lay my soul to sleep

I dream of buildings that burn

The sky turns black I toss and turn


When the stars, and the moon

And the sky, fall through

I'd throw them all away when I'm hollow

Deep as the sea goes, all I know is

I would throw it all away...away


~ Pause ~


You’re online now.. and we’re discussing the virtues of a hug. And I’m laughing thru the tears. And I am asking you questions I would normally never do. But I do it anyways.. cos I would throw it all away.. And you're saying that I'm acting weird and different.. and I try to cover it all up.. but alas, I do the truth about the apple juice..


Why? Tell me why?


~ Ends ~

Lame-o

My words are failing me.. and I was once so full of them, rich ones that evoked the heart and the soul...

And because my words are failing me, I have to rely to what I once had..

This was posted over a year ago on another blog life..

Did not make it thru as what i had set out to do yesterday evening. All that's left of me this morning is a dried out Barbsie, with a nasty hangover and the knowledge that i had to take my medication at the end of it all.


Did i disappoint you my friend now that you know Barb is not as strong-willed as you thought she would be? That when it rains too hard, she gives up walking in the rain and seeks shelter even though she is already soaked thru?


I am but another human being, just like you. And when the pain gets too bad, and the cries becomes the tear-less sort, I look for my medication just like any other person would.


Stand there and judge me all you want. Stand there and chastise me till kingdom come. I am sorry if i had disappointed you.


I just asks that you give me time.. time to rehabilitate myself. For once, I do not want to go thru pain without taking pain killers. Nor do I want to trade one addiction for another. So let me go thru the motions of someone whose sands of time is running out, and just let me live and .. let leave.



It's strange that something written over a year ago, still applies today... Goes to show, one never really changes...



Friday, June 29, 2007

Realisation

I realised tonight that I have a lot of pride. And I have a lot of fear. And as much as I resist having traits of my cultural roots, I place a lot of emphasis on "saving face".

It's a lot for a girl with a spinning head to come to conclude.

I stood on my balcony and looked up at the full moon just. And as I was looking at it, a breeze blew a patch of dark clouds by and it covered up my moon.

I wish that I had better things to do with my time, other than ponder over the state of life.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Why?

Why is it that each and every time I try to do what I have to do... to put aside what my heart tells me not to... you have to go make me smile.. and laugh..?

Why...?

Please tell me why... cos it's fast rising from a whisper ... to a scream.

Life ~ According to Granny Sugars

Granny Sugars believed in bargaining with God; that he was that old rug merchant.

And according to Granny Suagrs
  1. God expects to be conned more often than not, and HE would be a good sport about it. But only if you con him with charm and wit.
  2. If you live your life with imagination and verve, God will play along - just to see what outrageously entertaining thing you'll do next.
  3. God will cut you some slack ~ IF you are astonishingly stupid in an amusing fashion.

But you must never do hard to others in any serious way ~ you'll cease to amuse HIM if you do so.

Granny Sugars is definitely a wise-woman, even if she's a fictional character.

And largely, I do believe Granny Sugars is right. How else can I account for the way life is today *grin*

NB: Granny Sugars is mentioned in the book Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Crazee Crazy

In a fit of utter madness, the following was written and sent:

I have decided that you shall ask me anything you want .. about "cards" or anything else and I shall answer without hesitation, without fear of judgment and the likes of it. Even this short email.


WHAT in heaven's name was I thinking of to have gone and done a "Barbsie-laid-bare"?!

Oh well... it is done...




Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Possibilities


How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman
whom he kept at a distance
so that when she was gone, he would not miss her.
Only then does he realize that wanting part of her,
and not all of her, had hurt them both and
how he cannot justify his actions
except that... well... it was life.

Those are possibly the saddest lines that I will come across this whole week...

Monday, June 25, 2007

Lessons..

They say that men and women are wired differently.. but it was something that I never thought was true.. UNTIL I was watched Shopgirl last night.

It was the bit of the morning after Steve Martin shags Claire Danes.

And he goes, "I wasn't really looking for anything permanent right now. Though I really liked seeing you. I'm just traveling so much right now. But I thought maybe we should just...keep our options open." He further stresses that it's a "We're not dating only shagging" basis by asking her - Do you understand?, to which she replies "I do."


Now that would be something that is pretty normal by our standards.. well, maybe not so normal cos people don't make "speeches" anymore... but it's the next scene that really had me laughing.


He, being the chappie that he is, goes and visits his shrink. She, being the young girl, goes and have lunch with her friends. And the 'speech' is recounted, in the following fashion

He to his shrink

He:
I told her there was no possibility that this was a long-term relationship. She's.. you know, she's really too young for me.
His shrink: But you wanted to sleep with her.
He: Oh yeah. And I said that even if I know that this is not long-term, I still want to see her.
His shrink: And she understood?
He: Oh yeah.

He: ..I actuallty said that I like to sleep with her when I'm in town.

He: ..That it's a sexual relationship....we still should be able to meet other people.

His shrink: So you were really clear with her that this relationship has no future?
He: Absolutely.

She to her friends


Her friends: Yes, Mirabelle, the fourth floor. How do things go with the glove man? Oh yeah! Tell us all about it! Spill it ! You like him ? Does he like you ?
She: What.. He said he was surprised he was interested in me. He said he wants to give it a try.

She: He said he wants to cut down on his traveling..

She: …he might..you know, stop traveling-- completely.. ..and then we'd decide what to do it at that point.

Her friends: So he was really talking it with you?
She: Yeah, it seemed like it.

And I've been thinking to myself since the show ended.. are we really like that? Do some of us modify what we hear just so that we have something, someone to anchor to in life? Are anchors really that important?

Oh, I'm sure I'm guilty of the occassional getting carried away.. but after a while, you should gain perspective of it and grab a hold on reality again, right?

I shudder to think that it maybe possible that one fine day, I will be as clouded as Mirabelle Buttersfield, and exist in a paralel world all by myself.

Let this blog be then a reminder .. of the things that should never happen... to me.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Tomorrow's sunrise

It's hour # 48.

I am amazed at myself and the last 48 hours. Cos this time, my efforts to quit smoking is done very consciously. And with that, I am seeing things differently.

I'm pretty much braced for the daylights of tomorrow cos it's the run into 72 hours. And that is most crucial. It's when everything my system has been used to, comes back with a vengeance.

But as my mum said when I told her today - and it's the first time I'm admitting to her that I've quit smoking, "Today is done. You did it. You can do tomorrow as well."

So yeah.. bring it on... I'm ready and waiting..





The next few minutes

It's been 33 hours and counting.

Yesterday was just bad, Bad, BAD. Of course there was the whole hoola-bala to add to it in the night. But yes - I did not pop down to the shops and buy a pack of fags. I hugged the bottle instead *grin*

Nonetheless, it is Day 2 and you can bet your cute bottom that I am darn proud of myself.

Technically, all the carbon monoxide should be eliminated from my body as off now.

I should probably cut down on the cups of coffee ~ did you know non-smokers only need to drink half the coffee as smokers, to get the same amount of caffeine kicks?!

And I have saved RM 11.80 so far.


The number of cravings that I am to go thru today is gonna be more than yesterday. But as my smoke-free-moderator* said yesterday ~ Whatever nicotine withdrawal you're feeling right now is not really physical, its more mental or rather a placebo effect which is the tussle between your physical and mental senses. I am sure you'd ride it out.

So yeah, it's all in my head.. and that is the one lesson that my god-pa has probably been trying to teach me thru this quit-smoking thingy. I have come to see now that his driver is not so much just for saving my life, but another way of him imparting to me the knowledge that I need to focus my thoughts, energy and determination to put aside the mental barriers that I put up for myself.

As I sit here at home, having my coffee and breakfast (yes, time saved from 2 fags equals to time to make and have breakie!), I shall remember the words of my SFM* ~ hang in there young padwan, for peek into the dark side you must not..

Crazy Horse (6/22/2007 11:57:51 PM): and barbs
Barbs Er (6/22/2007 11:57:55 PM): yeah
Crazy Horse (6/22/2007 11:58:00 PM): am proud of you...24 hrs ciggie free

Breathe deep, hug hard, live long,

Friday, June 22, 2007

Eva

In the midst of your night.. you hear a tune.. and you think of me, enough to call me and say we've gotta go watch it.

It doesn't matter if it's everything and nothing.

For while I'm a substitute person with everyone else, I know I'm not with you.

As I sit and watch the Devil set his table, I'll take nothing anytime of the day.

Substitute People

Substitute People - the sort of people who are always looked at by others "in the moment", or to brighten up the room and spread cheer, or to fill a transient moment of emotional emptiness in someone else's life, but who are rarely remembered on their own merits.

If you've watched the movie ~ Elizabethtown, you'll find it sickeningly familiar.

I know it's absurd to be wrapped up in something you see from a movie.. but tis a sad concept and unfortunately one that rings true in many instances of my life.

But since we're going to try and be bright and shiny, I am gonna try my damnest best to not think that I'm impossible to forget, but hard to remember.

15 hours in..

It is strange.

The yawns have gone away.

It's now the giddy-head and the chest-tightness.

Oh good lord.. I've read that it's a 72 hour cycle..

No matter what.. gotta keep going..

Yawns

9 hours and counting... I had my last ciggie at about 11 p.m. last night before turning in...

Which means that as of now...
  • My blood pressure and pulse rate has returned to normal, and
  • My nicotine and carbon monoxide levels in my blood has reduced by half, AND
  • My oxygen levels return to normal.

But damn... I am yawning like a cow ...

Picture courtesy of news.thomasnet.com

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Smoke 'em

The TIME has come ...




Friday, 22nd June 2007

It's a conscious decision that I'm making. And in fact, it's been in the pipeline for some 3 weeks now. I think it started to hit me when I was specifically tracked on the duration between 1 fag and the last. I did not realise that I had about 47 minutes between one cigarette and the next. That is if I'm at home or not among my circle of smoking friends, which of course reduces the time lag.

So the plan was put into action.. and the argument to me was - I only have a medium addiction to nicotine, which is easier to give up now. So the Grand Plan (with capitals G and P) is:

  • Choose a quit date and stick to it - Yups, Friday 22 June 2007. It's being brought ahead by about 2 weeks. But what's 2 weeks anyways *grin* More reason to celebrate on the 10th of July!
  • Plan how to deal with temptation - I am gonna replace my balcony fag with a cup of hibiscus tea or water. I am gonna load my phone with good music that I can rant to. I am gonna lay off hitting Becks for a while.
  • Get support from my family, friends and experts - Here it is on me blog! It's now official! Plus, I have a smoke-free moderator, who has been doing a darn good job actually in encouraging me cut down.
  • Throw away all of my ciggies - that will happen tonight, together with all the lighters and the pot that is being used as an ashtray right now.

I will likely be snacking a bit more, coughing a bit more, yelling and screaming a bit more... but heck, it's gonna be worth it.

By Monday, I would have saved RM 17.70 which is good for a chicken chop and a drink at Becks.

By end of the month, I would have saved RM 53.10, which is good for a new pair of shoes

By10th July, I would have saved RM 112.10, which can buy my good friends a dinner at the Korean Restaurant.

Why is this time gonna be any different, you say?

I guess, it would be nice to be asked "How many sticks today?" and actually reply "None" with pride. Or not to have people cringe and go "Yew - cigarette smell" when you give a hug.

Plus, the RM 177 a month from it is gonna help put Luke thru kindy *grin*

And THAT is always a good reason to quit!

Moo-moo

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

No Jamaica Ma-ma

I had a shot of Bacardi Apple, which was compliments of Grover, last night in a fit of utter angst and disgust. Woke up with a nagging hangover headache and well, it wasn't good considering today is a working day. Last time I had 2 shots, I took 5 types of painkillers to make the pain in my head go away.

Conclusion - I cannot drink this stuff, no matter how great it taste and the kick it gives!

BUT. I'm still keeping it in my house. Just because of one line. One threat.

So go on - come get the bottle to flush it away *grin*


Life is indeed sad when I have to hold a bottle ransom.

Sir Renity

Serenity ~ noun

  1. A disposition free from stress or emotion
  2. The absence of mental stress or anxiety
A wiseman once told me that Serenity is a Hope...
But what use is Hope when the facts lay open on the table?
And trust was displaced and would never be gain again?
What use is Hope when the mirror has been shattered and no matter how you piece it back together again, the image would not be the same as the one you saw this morning?

A wiseman once told me that Serenity
is a Prayer...
But what use is Prayer when turning back time is not humanly possible?
And when the Prayer will not provide you the guidance that you seek?
What use is a Prayer when a prayer will not change how people are, their very essence for being?

A wiseman once told me that Serenity
is a Place in my head...
But what use is having a Place when it's been invaded by many?
And it's no longer mine, and mine alone?
What use is a Place when I cannot bring order to chaos?

If I shut my eyes really tightly, I can make believe that I have Serenity. I've broken my glass. I have done my yelling and shouting. I have expanded and I'm empty.

Unfortunately, I see things miles and miles ahead. And the picture is not one which I had hoped to see. But it is there.

Clear as untainted waters of a hidden brook. But as the brook expands into the mains... everything that you once thought to be... shifts and changes.

If I owned one wish tonight, I would waste it on not having gone thru the last 2 weeks. Where betrayals did not take place. Where hurt was not inflicted, over and over again. Where deceit did not reign like the supreme lord of all.

Maybe then I could always live in a brook and be protected by the rocks and riverbanks.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Short Story

There's a competition going on for short-story writing. A friend and I have been tossing ideas on how to come up with a winning word. With 16 words or less.

I think I finally hit a good one today.. and it goes like this.

A chicken. An apple. A hunt for a microwave oven. Mouthfuls later, I declare tummy satisfied.

For clarification purposes - no, I was not trying to chase a chicken, stuff an apple up its arse before chucking it into the nuke box.

It was my lunch for crying out loud!

Well, let's see if it gets me a trip to Bali anyways ya?

Top of the morning

Here's my wish for you today...

That the morning sun will be good to you..
That the afternoon skies will continue it on
Till the moon comes up to light up the night sky
Just for you!

Yes ~ I am trying to be Bright and Shiny *grin*

Monday, June 18, 2007

Say Nothing

I'm exhausted. Exhausted at trying to keep people's spirits up.

I've come to realise that one can only say so much. And if the other chooses to sink, rather than grab the float, there ain't nothing that I can do.

I'm your friend, and so I stand on your side.

I'm your friend, and hence you can only do partial wrong.

I'm your friend, and so I will always wish that the sun will shine for you.

But because I'm your friend, I will also shut up now.

It's nothing something I'm very good at.. but because I'm your friend, I will try even though it's probably gonna kill a bit of me.

I wish I'd stand up straight
I wish I'd said things different
I wish I'd said nothing
Things would be so perfect
I wish myself to keep
I pray my soul to sleep
I wish myself away
I wish I was blank

~ Blank by The Smashing Pumpkins ~

Light Shines

After a somewhat drab and dreary 2 weeks, the sunshine has broken through the storm clouds. In the form of shared happiness.

Today is the 6 months anniversary of one of my best bud's blossoming relationship. I am happy for her. That it has lasted this long. But then again, I heard it from the horse's mouth that said horse is going to do everything within her power to not botch up this relationship. And yeah, he's a nice guy for once! If only they can decide where to go for their dinner!

Today is also the day that another good friend's relationship has taken a turn for the positive. It's of course scaring the living hell out of her as it is a big step and an even bigger commitment. But I think at the end of the day, she'll do what she has to do when it comes to going after her happiness.

I went and sat at the park with my girlfriend today. And she asked.. what about you Barbs? Where's your life headed? My reply? Plain, simple and factual.

I have 2 kids.

And my kids have a daddy.

Right now, that's enough for me.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

New Light

Eyes ~
They seem to be seeing things
In different colours, textures and dimensions.

Ears ~
They seem to be hearing things
And picking up on words and tune once not heard.

Mind ~
They seem to be processing things
And stretching them beyond the normal boundaries of before.

Voice ~
They seem to be forming phrases
And actually letting them come out loud for all to hear.

I'm not really the same person as I was before, am I?

Is it good? Is it bad?

The jury is still out on this count.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Irony

I am ripping CDs from Puppy's collection. It kinda feels a bit like deja vu... like I've done this before. Recently. And I did. Just not from Puppy.

The irony of life.

Both so different, yet so much in common.

But then as they say - you only need 1 factor to separate the two. And that one factor is enough.

So while the songs may be the same, I know who's the Better Man.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Silence Perspective

I've been silent the last couple of days.

It's been a mix of work over-load as well as not being able to organise my thoughts.

And maybe it's also cos I've not been holding back my thoughts and letting it all come out the way it should - face to face *grin*

But silence is good at times. It allows you to take a step back and gain perspective.

And one of the perspective I've gain was on friendship cos for a while back there, it felt as if it was Me against Barbara's Circle of Buds.

Just when I thought enough was enough from the circle, I gained perspective thru the words of one, who told me quite simply ~

Having friends does not necessarily mean that you do productive stuff together. It could be the simplest thing such as eating, smoking and whinning, and trust me lotsa best buds do that. Whether or not you participate is a different matter. What's important is that they make the time for you and are THERE for you. That is the mark of a good friend, and you are blessed with many.

Yes, indeed I am.

And maybe that's why the blog has been silent. For one can't really say anything more than the perspective gained.

No bitching. No whining. From me for now.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

A Modern Myth

I chanced upon this group on MTV on fine Friday night, where I was told that the lead singer is a chappie named Jared Leto. After much argument, it was established to be 30 Seconds to Mars. And yes, the lead singer is Jared Leto.


And I've come to learn to like the way their song writers thinks and the way their music is crafted.


My personal fave - A Modern Myth


Did we create a modern myth
Did we imagine half of it would happen in a thought from now
Save yourself ~ The secret is out
To buy the truth, and sell a lie
The last mistake before you die
So don't forget to breathe tonight
Tonight's the last
So say good-bye

The story of my life (Yet another 30 seconds to Mars song!) ~ a modern myth indeed!

The winner takes it all

There's nothing more apt than the words of this song to summarise how I felt going to bed and waking up this morning..

Share my life,
Take me for what I am.
'Cause I'll never change
All my colors for you.

Take my love,
I'll never ask for too much,
Just all that you are
And everything that you do.

I don't really need to look
Very much further/farther,
I don't wanna have to go
Where you don't follow.
I will hold it back again,
This passion inside.
Can't run from myself,
There's nowhere to hide.
(Your love I'll remember forever.)

Chorus:
Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there.
Don't walk away from me.
(No, don't walk away from me. Don't you dare walk away from me.)
I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I don't have you, you (you, you, you./If I don't have you, oh, oo.)

You see through,
Right to the heart of me.
You break down my walls
With the strength of your love.

I never knew
Love like I've known it with you.
Will a memory survive,
One I can hold on to?

I don't really need to look
Very much further/farther,
I don't wanna have to go
Where you don't follow.
I will hold it back again,
This passion inside.
Can't run from myself,
There's nowhere to hide.
(Your love I'll remember forever.)

You know what it means..

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

My Favourite Mistake

It's a bit of a topsy-turvy day. Just when I thought things were finally going to go back to normality, like I've known it for the last few weeks, it all goes haywire.

My best friend just stormed out of my house. In a huff and in a puff. Cos he said I didn't stick to what I said I would do. That all the anger expanded last week was a whole load of bullshit. When he asked me to explain myself, I couldn't.

This is the one person who I could be totally honest with, except I could not find the words to explain why I made the choices I made.

This is the one person who sat at the same table with me last Thursday while I fought with myself, my brain, my sanity.

Here's the thing - I am not infallible! Never proclaimed to be so. If anything, I am the complete opposite of one who is.

It's not condoning. It's not accepting. It's not settling.

You just have to know. And when you don't know? No one can fault
you for it. You do what you can, when you can, while you can. When you can't, you can't.

If not anything else, please try and understand that I am only human.


She-dogs

All.Women.Are.Bitches.

We bitch and we whine.

We gossip and we stab.

We do things that ruin and hurt, and call it in the name of friendship.

Sometimes, we don't know where the line is and we cross over.

And that's when all hell breaks lose.

And the best part is ~ we can innocently stand by and say "But it wasn't me!"

I'll say it again ~ All.Women.Are.Bitches.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Afternoon Tea Wishes

I just had my tea and biscuits. And the following thoughts popped into my head ~

I wished that I
  • Wasn't so nice to everyone
  • Didn't fear hurting people's feelings
  • Wasn't so emphatatic, that I end up looking pathetic
  • Could be bitter, and truly dark and twisted
  • Could have more guts to stand up for what I want
  • Dared to go after the dreams that seem out of reach to me
  • Was not invisible to the rest of the world

Maybe if the last wish did come true, I wouldn't need the rest of the wishes that came to mind this afternoon.

Author's Note:
I know that a lot of you think I have plenty of good stuff to be thankful for, instead of a wishlist spiked with bitterness. I promise you that I will write a Be Grateful list soon... But just not today.

The original scribble

Last week, I posted Un-rhyming Scribbles, which is actually part 2.
Since good words are hard to come by, and seeing how I've just spent 2 hours in the freaking traffic coming in to work.. Here's Part 1, for what it's worth.

As kids, we were probably told - you could be anything you want. As we grow older, and become more observant, we learn to read the signs. The signs of WHO and WHAT anything really meant. And some of us go on to be successful, contributing members of society. Which is all good. But very few of us actually define and shape our own WHO and WHAT. And while we may be successful and contributing members of society, we remain prisoners of our own lives.

I'm not saying how we turn out are the faults of our parents, our society, our culture. If anyone is to be blamed - it is the famous ménage à trois players of me, myself and I. For I allowed expectations to take precedent in MY life, living by its rules and suffocating ME slowly but surely.

We are OUR OWN worse enemies. For we are the ones who set these assumptions of what is expected of us. And because it is an assumption - something that lives only in our heads, we cannot fault another.Some people learn over time, to let go of these assumptions and forget about expectations, our own and those of others. And it is only when we do, that we are able to live and breathe, well and truly, freely!

Afterall, life is too short to play by any printed and published book.

Everyday should be a fresh, clean page, waiting to be filled.
There should not be any draft plot.

For only then, when we come to the end, will we be able to have the moment of unadulterated satisfaction, and rest at peace with ourselves.

i AM an open book
Waiting to be filled
With tales

Of chicken-chop chats
with coffee in hand
and my good friends in tow.

Of dreamless nights
with a balloon bursting head
and monsters in dark corners.

Of work's success
with pride, not prejudice
and definitely no politics.

Of far-off places on the beach
with the sun at even's tide,
and walks at midnight.

Of hopes whispered
with only the moon as my witness
and a bottle of vodka to seal the vow.

i AM an open book
Fill me with truth, fll me with lies
Tear the pages out if it makes you happy
But i AM always ready
To be written and re-written
Till the pages run out

Sunday, June 10, 2007

As you like it

One thought.

One call.

One piece of information.

It lingers and weigh heavy on my mind tonight ~ the contents of a phone call from a dear friend - giving me the down and dirty on a situation of my life.

Oh she meant well. This is her way of telling me - Barbs, don't keep it up. This is her way of telling me - It's not as you like it. This is her way of telling me - It's your heart, liver, lung and sanity that's gonna go.

I wish I could believe her and everything she said.

I wish I could give heck care to benefit of doubt.

I did, I can, I was, I am
Only human, living, dying,
Just like any fool who ever breathed

For if what she said was true, then I am only a fool.

A fool not for falling, but for having faith that people do occasionally make mistakes and that they should be given opportunities to make amends, and make right. A fool for believing that if you ask nothing but honesty of others, it would make life so much easier to live by.

I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to keep it in my head. I need to get it out, and get it out now cos it will eventually come to a point where I will type the words "Question" and it will all come out in a way that should never be if I believed in absolute honesty. And while I will get an answer, I will also be more conscious of the fact that I have no right to ask in the first place.

I know nothing I do, think or say now makes any sense to you.

The sad truth is - I am done with hating people when they hurt me. There's nothing more tiresome than the emotion of hate. All you end up with is a sack of potatoes and Venomous Wednesdays.

And I am also done with settling. Settling with the idea of being 50 and living with an ungrateful cat. Settling with the idea that life is no longer within my reach and I can only watch it go by.

I'm not sure if I want my friend's information to be true or false. I don't know.

If it’s any consolation to you ~ there is still some of ME inside. For I’ll have you know ~ if by some stroke of luck (or good karma!), that my darling friend turned out to be wrong, I will not be gleeful, nor whoop for joy. Cos we've all been there and done that ~ having to lie to avoid living up to her harsh realities of life.

Maybe I'm just way to idealistic to be allowed loose among the rest of the world. Maybe I should live in a bubbled enclosure where nothing good nor bad can touch me. And nothing good or bad from me can touch the rest of the world.

It's pouring outside. My mind's a jumbled mess. But I've got a smile pasted on my face. And it has to be done. No other way about it. And out there somewhere, is someone else who is probably feeling the same way as well. After all...

All the world's a stage
And all the men women merely players
They have their exits and their entrances
And one man in his time plays many parts

Life is not always, as we like it.

Migraines

There is no greater misery than that of waking up with the back of your head feeling as it it was in the midst of filling up like a balloon and splattering your brains all over the wall. And in your half-asleep-half-awake state, you do what you can to make it stop. To make it go away. And that's what I did.

1 vasograin, 1 cataflam, 1 keto and 2 uphamol 650 and an additional 2 hours of sleep later *poof* it's gone.

It.Was.An.Accident.

Yes, it's been a shitty week and all. But hey, that's life. And it goes on. I am ending the week without any venom nor hate nor regret. I'm even wearing the bracelet for what it is, a gift in a moment. So why would it be anything other than an accident of sleepiness on my part?

Trust me. It well and truly was an accident. I have no other logical explanation for it, other than that.

And yes - I am glad that I'm still alive and kicking to write this down.

Karma - A new theory

We've all heard the infamous saying or caution ~ What goes around, comes around. And we've conveniently summed it up as karma.

We're suppose to be conscious of all our acts and deeds, keeping in mind never to do anything bad, because it is bad Karma and hence, one day, we will receive retribution by having bad things in our lives, as an effect to the bad things we have caused.

Now, hear me out on this.

Supposedly, if a group of people did bad things to you, and the rules of karma reigns, they are all in danger of having karma come back and bite them in the bum, right? But what about you? You should now technically have karma brownie points in waiting.

While it is assumed that karma brownie points exercised would equate to having good things happen to you, what if you chose to exercise it in a different manner?

In the world of accounting, there is a debit and a credit to every transaction. But there is also the concept of contra - knocking off against whatever balances you have.

Suppose, just suppose for a moment here... what would happen if YOU did some bad karma?

Would that mean that it'll come back and hit you one day? Or does it just dock off the good karma brownie points that you have in storage?

Everybody now ~ *hmmmm*

Think about it.

Author's note:
This posting is not meant to cause alarm. It is merely for intellectual discussion. Afterall - I'm not a practicing accountant for a reason *wink*

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Full House

Lydia and Luke has been away for a full 2 weeks. And they are back home today.

While it's been a blast for me as a swinging single for the last 2 weeks, it sure is good to have the children home. For it got to a point of being unbearable to walk thru the doors of my 1004 sq feet of space.

Even though within 10 minutes of coming back home, they've already gotten me on my hands and knees mopping up spilled chocolate milk... nothing can compare to the feeling of walking out of the shower and noticing that their whiteboard, which has been empty for the last 2 weeks.. was finally adorned


As a point of clarification - house in corner: that's suppose to be representing Daddy. And smiley flower is for me.

Yes, Daddy lives in a house. *grin* Mummy ~ she lives on fresh air, sunshine and lurve.

Our kids love Puppy and I. We are loved.

Everyone should experience that once in their life. To be loved unconditionally and having nothing expected in return.

And yes, Daddy and Mummy loves the both of you too!

Un-rhyming Scribbles

I had actually just spent half an hour, crafting a piece, which should have a place here on Chemical Shooter for it contains thoughts from all 4 shooters in one. But that shall remain unpublished for it was written as food for thought, for one who is in need of some Mango Liquer.

However, as I ponder back on what I wrote, I realised that while I can speak of things that are simple, truthful and rationale, I do not always live by it. And that shall be what is shared today.

Once upon a time, I swore never to live my life by any other person's rules, except my own. While I may have tested the waters on that on more than one occasion, I AM still my own worse enemy, with the many great assumptions and expectations in my head.

Fortunately of-late, I think I am beginning to understand what that 16 year old meant then. And I am slowly shaping the ideals of a 16 year old into the life of a 32 year old.

Puppy says it's cos I no longer fear the need to be fiercely independent. I didn't say it then, but I would now. I fully agree.

Twas not the intent of the 16 year old to remain an island ~ she just didn't want to end up as one in a colony.

And the 32 year old understands that now.

And so, with acknowledgment, comes acceptance.

And with acceptance there must be responsibility.

Responsibility to ourself to live our lives as a book, waiting to be written and not as a book already published.

And that's all I've gotta say about that.

*oink*


Friday, June 8, 2007

Wishes

In a moment of absolute despair, I wrote to Chris after I read his last posting. And being the wonderful boy that he is... he told me to look up this song.. and while it is raining outside, it has made the day brighter somewhat..

And this was what the song says..

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.


Two Sundays ago, I sat at church and said a prayer for myself... I asked the Lord above, to open my heart, to take away my fears and to help me learn how to let go and live again.

And while life has thrown me a curved ball, I think I shall have faith and believe in the decisions that I must take.

Afterall, life is passing me by as I sit under my tree at my Spot of Serenity.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Just a girl

An Original! I'm quite pleased with myself I must say. For it's been a while, since I've been this dark and twisty...

I’m just a girl
With a pair of eyes
Who has seen a side of life
Of slums and scums
But never the writings on the wall.

I’m just a girl
With a set of ears
Who have heard
Dreams and fairy-tales
That which has yet to come true.

I’m just a girl
With a pair of lips
That has tasted kisses
As sweet as red berries
But also bled from tears unshed.

I’m just a girl
With a set of hands
That has held a child
And clutched at straws
Only to have to let go at the end of it all.

I’m just a girl
With a pair of legs
That has walked countless miles
Towards goals and dreams
That took off in hasty flight.

I’m just a girl
With a heart
That’s still beating
Though so scarred
Yet still wanting to give.

I’m just a girl
No different from any others that you’ve met
For they too have heard the tales
Or sung the songs
Or read the books
Except that what they heard, sang and read about
Were all authored by ME.

Author's Note:
Thanks is given to person who said that I am amazing. You inspired this scribble. Now do you still want me to be amazing, I do wonder.


Musings at 5...

It's 6 minutes to 5 am and I'm at my desk, working away at a deliverable.

So much has happened in the last month or so. And for a person who detest changes, abhors it and resists it till kingdom come, I can't help but wonder how I've sailed thru. Intact and unscathed.

As I take my cigarette break on my balcony, I can't help but think back to the words of a song that I've been familiar with for over 15 years... And I smile to myself as it plays on my WinMedia...

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details

Someone who'll stand by my side, and give me support
And in return, he'll get my support
He will listen to me, when I want to speak
About the world we live in, and life in general


Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
He'll hear me out, and won't easily be converted to my way of thinking
In fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all, he will understand me


I want somebody who cares, for me passionately
With every thought and, with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things, in a different light
All the things I detest ~ I will almost like


I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep, I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly


Though things like this make me sick
In a case like this, I'll get away with it


It's the one wish everybody has in common, yet so many fails at catching that falling star... And so after a while, we come to a crossroad... Do we give up? or do we press on? What if it's round the corner and we missed it, walking by?


I don't want to let these thoughts swim in my head for the rest of the day. I have enough potatoes to last a lifetime. And so, I will let it go...


Maybe it's part of growing up.


Maybe it's just me finally learning how to pick things up, and letting things go.


Maybe it's me giving up the eternal search for nothing, and going for instant gratification.


I'll take whichever one of the above for now. Until I pack my bags, grab the children, say my goodbyes and move to Spain.

Yes - I'm back to moving to Spain.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Let go

I did a whole lot of blogging today. And then I came back and I deleted them ALL.

You see, I blog when I have maggots in my head. And maggots - if you don't let them go, they'll just grow and Grow and GROW. So blogging is my way of expunging them from my head, before I have to go see a pakar sakit jiwa.

I suppose, every time when something bad happens to you in life, you're left with choices. Two to be precise.

You could either allow it to consume you, turn it into Zahir, and be lost in it all eventually

OR

You could learn to recognise the emotion, ride with it for a while, then say "Okay. I know what that is. Now I am detaching myself from it."

I came to this realisation after half an hour of sitting in the park underneath overcast skies. Just when I was ready to give up on life, to have the skies open up and the sun shining down on you, I would be a dumb-dumb not to go with the latter.

By deleting my rants today, I am letting them go.

While I know there are friends of mine out there who would think otherwise, I think at 32, I have enough potatoes in my borrowed back-pack. I don't need to add another one to it.

Bottomline is ~ tonight I can rest my head on my pillow and sleep easy with myself.

Right.After.I.Change.The.Sheets.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Growing up and standing tall

My dearest friend thinks he's finally grown up.

I don't think he has. In the sense that he's always been grown up, just in denial, that's all. I mean, among everyone I know, he's the most logical of us all. Wise beyond his years with so much to give. Focused and diligent. Maybe all he lacked was self-application. Cos he has it all inside of him.

And frankly, though I am younger than him by a good 14 months (ahem), I did so envy him and his ability to maintain his youthfulness. While I had riled him up endlessly about the people he sometimes associated with, it was an ability that I sometimes wished I had.

I wish him luck on this "process" of growing up. And I hope and pray to God that he remains untouched by all the things that grown ups deal with.

For while I maybe 14 months younger than he is... I feel as if I am 14 years older. And to lose that side of him in it all ~ whatever maturity and wisdom that this phase of his life will bring him, it will never compensate for such a loss.

And so, an ode...

May your days be filled with sunshine
and kisses and rainbows
May your nights be filled with joy
laughter and good friends
May the dark and twisted never come round
to form shadows in your life
May you grow old with continued respect
to life and your fellow man
Never laying a hand on those who are unworthy
And shooting only when necessary.


Bringing up baby

I looked at old photos 2 nights ago.. pictures of the home with my angels (2 small and 1 big please).. and it occured to me that time does indeed flies.

Most of the pictures were taken about 3 years ago. And when you put them then beside one of them now, it takes your breath away.

A few nights ago, someone commented that it was hard to believe that I'm a mum. That I'm not just a mum, I was mummy to two. Don't worry sweets ~ lately, I've been finding that hard to believe as well. And maybe it's because it's not always about Barbs and kids in tow, but Barbs, Lydia and Luke. 3 individuals.

Whilst growing up, I was forced to be independent cos my brother was constantly in and out of the hospital. I don't think it was a conscious effort on the part of my parents. But that's how it happened.

And today, I am bringing my kids up to be independent ~ and it's not a choice that they have. It extends beyond putting on your own shoes and clothes. It's about not having to depend on anybody to determine how you feel. It's about finding what works for you ~ yourself. And it is intended to be as such because they are individuals, not remnants of persons.

Lydia and Luke are coming into their own. You can see it so clearly from the way they behave, the way they express themselves and the way they are with the people around them. This is especially so with Lydia. And I think it's something that makes Puppy and I proud.

But coming back... In a blink of an eye of ten years, she'll be sixteen and Puppy will be ready with his shotgun. I hope by then, she would have found out who she is. Cos if she is brought up the way we intend for her to be, Daddy won't have to use the gun at all.

Blank

I have a lot that I want to write down and say. But nothing is coming out in the structured form that I want it to.

I suppose the most important thing I can say today is this:

I am fine.

I am walking tall.

I am at peace.

Maybe someday you will read about the story that's yet to be put into the written form.

A story of beautiful lies, walks in the rain, damaged souls and the great redemption by good friends who don't sit by and do nothing.

It would be a great tale to tell, when the right time comes.

One of courage, valour and honour. One of love, friendship and lives going by but persons staying on.

I'm being selfish by not sharing it with you. I should. For there would be no greater thing that you would have read from me, than this tale.

But not today. Just not today.

Today, it's all mine. All mine.

Monday, June 4, 2007

A scroll too many

I chanced upon this on one of my scrolls... as part of my attempt to sit back and relax..

After awhile you learn the difference
between holding a memory
and finding it's true meaning,
you learn that love doesn't endure
but that happiness is the real goal
and you've learned that affection are not contracts
and simple gestures are not promises,
we await the warmhearted embrace
but learn that the heart is only decorated by one,
after awhile the sun burns, if we stay out too long
and that tomorrows plans were always kept in disguise
so we learn to build our roads today
when future's ground is so full of uncertainty,
you've learned that innocence is not that pure or right
and without resolution, you're just a victim of.... time
You begin to see your strength, and realize your worth
because you've learned that there is no end to moral
no end to pursuit
no end to love
and never time to regret....

How can something so profound waddle between the fine line of truth and lies?

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Where's the rainbow?

It used to be that people say, come on out into the rain ~ only then you can see the rainbow.

It's raining.

I am tempted to go stand out in the drizzle and look around the overcast sky.

I don't think I can see the rainbow from my balcony.

Instructions

I came across this ditty in the book that I'm current reading called Fragile Things (Neil Gaiman). It's actually Pup's. But since he could not take to it, I've taken over and somehow found many profound sayings in em short stories.

And the following excerpt could not be more true of something we should all take to heart:

Remember your name.
Do not lose hope - what you seek will be found.
Trust ghosts.
Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn.
Trust dreams.
Trust your heart, and trust your story.

Far too often, it is when we lose hope, and think that all which we cannot see are monsters, that we forget who we are, i.e. forget that there is a person behind the face and name. We think that good things cannot happen to us ~ how could it when we do not even know who we are anymore?!

But if we look hard enough, and we listen long enough to the quiet, we'll hear ourselves speak up once again. And it is thru that voice that the fairy reels will start to spin again... so that what dreams may come, we will take it in our stride.