sor·ry

~ adjective ~ Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc

I was commenting.. or lamenting this evening, how one of my closest friend and I can walk right smack into an argument, even when we see it coming. We’ll each know and actually state it out loud that the line of conversation should switch before we end up arguing. Yet it still happens.

And the increasing frequency of it scares the living daylights out of me.

Much can be placed down to me being fast-finger-Freddy, but then again we have never really been able to determine the definition and expectations of this friendship. And more often than naught, that becomes a pain in the arse.

It hurts each time we have a fight. And being the darling that he is, he often backs down and apologises.

And tonight, I ponder… how many more ‘sorry’s is he gonna say before it becomes just another word in the day-to-day conversational vocab with me?

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

Sometimes I do wish I knew more of him. Just so.

vin·di·cate

This post was actually written on Friday night and published. But after sleeping on it overnight, I decided to take it off. Anyways, words that have been expunged, should remain expunged. And so, it makes its appearance once again. Somethings and some thoughts just doesn't change, no matter how many nights it's slept upon.

~ ** ~

One has to be warned at this point that this is a rant, an unleashing of anger so deep, dark and twisted, words are going to be spat out like a machine-gun. And with bullets, it is going to tear apart and draw blood, at the guilty and the innocent.

Hope
dangles on a string
like slow-spinning redemption
winding in and winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in, so
mesmerizing, so
hypnotizing, I am
captivated, I am

For anger, like hope, is a very captivating and mesmerizing emotion and it feeds on itself like oxygen to fire. No amount of fast driving the lil Wink mobile thru Jalan Damansara at 140 kmph has driven it out of me. It has only added to it.

To clear of accusation, blame, suspicion, or doubt with supporting arguments or proof

I wrote earlier “Oh the fool who thinks that Barbara Er Guek Meng does not possess any intellect or common sense.” Apparently a number of people seem to think that of me, I have come to realize. Correction – I have realized it all this while but have been fooling myself into thinking that I am not being fair, just and objective.

So clear
like the diamond in your ring
cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
the shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
isolated, so
motivated,
I am certain now that I am

To provide justification or support for

And since we’re on the path of being honest and confessions and what have you not, let’s just throw in the 2 things I hate most in life – 1) Being pushed into corners (as was apparent in last post) and 2) being made to feel as though I am an obligation. Call me Miss Hyper-sensitive. I don’t really give a donkey’s arse for the last time.

And I have just been made to feel that. AND I am sick of it – sick, Sick, SICK! Let me illustrate – ask me why I don’t see my former best buddy anymore. It’s because 1) he only has time for me when his girlfriend is not around, and 2) when that happens, I have a lil cow-like timer ticking away until the buzzer goes for time when she finishes work or come home.

To justify or prove the worth of, especially in light of later developments.

And so, for fuck’s sake – don’t freaking spend time with me if my company is only worth 60 minutes or 90 minutes of your fucking time. Please – if it is only worth that much, just go sod off cos there’s a long line of people who place no time limits on my company.

So tie up
the corners of your lips
part them and feel my fingertips
trace the moment fall forever
Defense is paper-thin,
just one touch and I'll be in too
Deep now to ever swim
against the current
So let me slip away

To defend, maintain, or insist on the recognition of

Like I said earlier – I’m just sick of the way things are right now. And yes – Mandy – you told me so. And yes, for once I am agreeing with you whole-heartedly.

And it doesn’t really matter right now that it’s probably me against the rest of the world. So what if I danced to my own tune, or live by my own set of definitions and rules? Which by the by would include the definition of important. Cos Important doesn’t mean giving me your time of day when you have nothing else better to do, or when the girl you like leaves you heaving on the bathroom floor.

Important is freaking trekking thru 4 fucking crowded shopping malls to find the right gift. Important is fucking stopping at 2 pharmacies and then driving the same distance to the office and back just so you fucking have your medication and get better soon (which is by the way the infamous FIB of not being where I was suppose to be.) Important is feeling pain when you feel pain.

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right - I swear I'm right
swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself

To exact revenge for; avenge

Like I said before – this posting is going to draw blood. For I am done bleeding by myself – done, Done, DONE.

No one – NO ONE should have the power to bring me to my knees in anger or in anguish. NO ONE should have the power to twist my arm and make me sit by the curb, pondering over my future. NO ONE should have the power to make me feel inadequate and flawed.

Not the Madam. Not the Italian Dude. Not the boy I would go to the ends of the earth for.

I’m vindicating myself. I’m laying the blame on someone else’s door, FOR ONCE. Like it was said before - Ain't gonna let what happened before, happen again. No way.

And with that, I am spent. I am emptied and I am tired. And I have cut the string and flying loose. I am sad but I will FOR ONCE not let that sadness overcome me.

I feel and see MY OWN worth now. Tis a pity the rest of the world never did before I had to pull the trigger.

Goodnight world. I hope you feel as liberated as I do...

Like Hope
dangles on a string
a slow-spinning redemption

My Rock

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

I’m not really what one would call religious. In fact, about a year ago, when my dad first published his book on his Faith Journey, a colleague had asked me – how did such religious parents have a child such as me.

My tears have been my food day and night,

while men say to me all day long,

"Where is your God?"

I may not lead the life of a saint, nor abide words inscribe in the Bible as the Ten Commandments. But I have always stressed that I do know who my Anchor is and where my Rock lies.

These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

Tis no secret that the days at work has been a bundle of turmoil, and the nights at home has been less than peaceful. And just the other day, Loic-ky asked me how I could believe that God exists when all things bad had happened to me.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan,

the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Now, religion has been a topic that I have refrained from expanding my thoughts upon, as I have always held firm the belief – To each their own. Yet tonight, there is a deep sense of peace that has not been felt in a very long time.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

Maybe it’s cos I went home to mum’s and dad’s, had dinner with Lydia and Luke.

By day the LORD directs his love,

at night his song is with me—

a prayer to the God of my life.

Maybe it’s cos I only spent 7 hours at work and this week is a short week.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"

Or maybe.. just maybe… I know that I’m not alone, and have not been alone thru it all.

My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

I’m glad my mum led me to this Psalm at our family altar tonight before I left. While it may not have given me the answers that I seek, it has given me the assurance that my thoughts not said out loud, have been heard.

My prayer(s) had been heard. I was told so in this subtle manner. And with time, patience and faith… it will all pan out the way that’s been planned. Just like everything else that has been with my life.

Strange isn’t it – to see this side of me so seldom shown.

Turning Back

I have a job interview tomorrow.

Even before I've gone for it, I know deep down inside, that it ain't the right one for me.

For work is more than work, and a job is more than building a career. With the amount of time and effort I put into the things I do to make a living, it sort of becomes my second home. My colleagues becomes my siblings and my bosses, my surrogate parents.

And my boss's wife didn't have to tell me what she did today - I already knew it.

And so, this birdie ain't leaving the cuckoo's nest just yet.

The Dark Knight

Having slept on it.. this is all that remains to be said..

You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?

Very Obviously

Drunk like a skunk.. or donkey..

Take your pick.. I don't really care.. I'm gonna go crash on my table instead and hopefully wake up happy again :o)

Locked Doors and Moondance

So here I am on a Friday evening, sitting in the office with my Walkman plugged in and pondering on a “discussion” I had an hour ago.

To put things in context, I got a call slight past 3, summoning me to see the Client at 5 pm. Wasn’t told why and the secretary couldn’t suss it out for me at all. As the clock ticked towards 5, I tried to cover as many of my bases as possible cos I have had many exciting shags in that office.

Finally being called in, I was surprise to see the door being closed behind me. *Gasp* THIS was definitely going to be worse than any shags I have ever had before. And even though many bases were covered prior to it, I would never ever be prepared for what ensued.

Witch hunt ~ noun ~ An intensive effort to discover and expose disloyalty, subversion, dishonesty, or the like, usually based on slight, doubtful, or irrelevant evidence.

And yours truly is smacked right in the middle of not one but TWO hunts!

And so… as I wait for my sate dinner… I am thinking – How?! How the bloody hell did I, a mere low-level manager, in a building of over 600 people, get picked out for this stupid shit?! There are 75 of us in the F&B Department and I had to be the one on the path that has lead me down this rabbit hole.

I am upset beyond belief as in that span of 30 minutes, I was asked to do things that I should never be asked to do! It fucking goes beyond – way beyond – my entire value chain. But what is more upsetting is the fact that somebody else thinks that they can scare me enough into doing their bidding.

Oh the fool who thinks that Barbara Er Guek Meng does not possess any intellect or common sense.

Right now, I guess as the dust settles, I can only be grateful for 2 things – a boss that has got more sense that I have occasionally taken credit away from, and this being a Friday night.

All I need now to cap today off in the style that I had wanted it to would be for the drinks seller at sate stall to be carrying a bottle of whiskey or vodka *grin*

Let the evil chants begin!

Pray Tell

Here's one for all you followers of the Chemical Shooter, and who actually bother about what's written here, enough, to ask me about it..

What is IT that MEN want?!

I thought I used to know, but lately as I observe the men / boys that I have known in my life, and the way their lives are today - I'm not sure anymore.

So please... do pray tell... cos Barbsie is just plain ole confused! And do it quick before she takes a gun and shoots herself again.

I...

I think I spend by far too much time thinking about things I should not be, and neglecting living life as it should be. It struck me in a moment today as I sat in my soon-to-be opened restaurant that “living life” means to live in the NOW and not in the THEN. And while I know what I need to do to move from Then to Now, I cannot seem to be able to take that first step.

I thought that by accepting life as it is, Fate might finally be conned into believing It has beaten me and decide to give me a break instead. It occurred to me today that there may be a lot of things that is within my power to change, but Fate is not one of them. And that I will continue to be one of its toys, stuffed in its pocket where it will take me out to fiddle around with, when it feels like.

I won the respect of people much more learned than I am, and of people with much more experience than I can pool together. All just by being myself – honest, affirmative, accepting and giving. Yet, today all those things don’t mean very much to me cos the prize that I seek still eludes me. And day in, day out… I fight another battle.. hoping that for once, the announcer would finally say that I won that one.

I lost sight of my goal, the objective which I had settled on obtaining for the year, the first half of the year. Lost it absolutely and utterly, even after knocking my head hard to drum it in. And today, I realize that soon, I’m likely to be losing my sanity and hold of life yet again.

There is chaos in this roller-coaster ride. But unlike the amusement game, I did not engineer this track. And so, I do not know when the highs will drop and where the twists are.

I think... I thought... I won... I lost... *Sigh*

Please Sir, I’ve had enough of this ride. I wanna get off before I have enough and release the safety bar myself. But until that happens, I'll just hang on.. for just a lil bit more... For the highs have so far been much better than the lows.

Fib

Okay... so I told a fib... *cringe* *cringe* *cringe* No one got hurt, no one is gonna get hurt. And it wasn't a bad thing! Honestly - it wasn't! But nonetheless, it's been done.

I'm mortified. But I'm not remorseful. At least, not until I'm found out.

Fingers, ears and toes crossed it will not be found out. Tho' I know.. afterawhile, the cat's gonna come out of the bag and then I'll go hide under my bed for a bit. That's the sad bit! I cannot fib on this account!

God I'm so embarrassed! Somebody take a gun and shoot me!

Everyone Should Have...

Someone who makes them wanna be a better person.. to give up whatever nasty habits that they might have, just so they could live a little longer, laugh a lil brighter and smile a lil wider.

Someone who can chase the rainclouds away with a kind word, a touch of the hand, or the inclination to call out the Mafia and have the perpetrator done in.

Someone who accepts them for who they are, appreciating the quirkiness, understanding the twistiness and weathering the bluntness.

When you have someone like that in your life, it really doesn't matter who this person is, or how small a part of this person's world you make up to ... For all those things make up for more than enough of not having some...

For you can be YOU and it'll be alright for once.

Can't smile without you

Yeah - beaming like a cow... laughing my head off mid-drive home... The world is bright and shinny today!

Standing Where I stood

Understanding

You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth
And lay there for the night.
Then you said, "wait for me we'll fly the wind,
We'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him"

I shouldn't be awake so early. I mean, it's a rare day off and I could sleep in till 8. But I woke up early to sit and see dawn break. And in the light of morning ... my life has never been clearer to my eyes that it has been in the longest time.

But oh, now my world is at your feet.
I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I've drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong...

I am nowhere near where I really wanna be today. And that breaks me, and everything that I held on to, have been holding on to.

You sighed and I was lost in you,
Weeks could've past for all I knew
You were there blanket of the over-world
And so I couldn't say, I wouldn't say "no".
But they all said, "you're too young to even know,
Just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him"

It's broken. Finally broken. And it hurts so much, I cannot breathe.

But they weren't there beneath your stare,
And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.

So please don't blame me for running away. I need to go be someone else while this person heals. And it can't be done with you around. Cos I'll just go back to square one.

And they weren't taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
So I couldn't say "no".

And that cannot happen anymore.

Funky Barbsie

It's not all that hard to understand me. That's the conclusion I have come to today.

Occassionally I go into this cycle where nothing I do is right enough for me to the ones around me. And in the midst of that, I tend to live my life as if it is short and I died yesterday.

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

Some of those closest to me have learnt how to just let me be and slowly test the waters to see if I have come out of it. And then there are some, who after a while, just plain gives up. And so, I don't like it when it happens. But it does and it's ugly cos I become this mean person who doesn't give two-hoots about how damaging I can be.

Don’t close your eyes
This is your life
And today is all you’ve got now

Sen once told me that I can become so difficult to talk to. And today, somebody else close to me said the same thing. And I am sitting here wondering if it's me subconsciously pushing people closest to my heart away.

Are you who you want to be?
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

I feel like crap. Absolute and utter crap. So crap that I'm going home - which is a rarity! That's how crap I feel.

And no, this is not who I wanted to be. I did not for a moment in growing up, anticipate that life would get like this.

There are lines that I have sworn never to cross, yet I find myself tempted to. There are people whom I have sworn to always cherish, yet I find myself saying things just to incite spite in them. There are levels which I have sworn I would never stoop to, yet I find myself going way that low just to get thru another day.

How do I get back to where I once stood? Please - tell me. I'm so lost you would not believe me if I told you the half of it!

Screw NIKE

ri·dic·u·lous ~ adjective

1. Causing or worthy of ridicule or derision
2. Absurd
3. Preposterous
4. Laughable

Today ranks as one of the longest days of my life. Never have I been so conscious of time that I could literally hear the clock ticking in my head.

And the reason for it is so damn ridiculous that I'm gonna go knock myself around the head a few times.

So much for "Just Do It" when it's missing the swoosh.

The day's gone now and I can only console myself with the thought that minus this one person didn't make any damn difference anyways.

So yeah - maybe I'll just go knock myself around the head once. Which would be once too many.

Turning Thirty-something..

Sometimes... somewhere... when you lest expect it... someone comes along and changes your whole world. Colours appear brighter, scents are more inviting, tastes are sweetened.. the list could go on.

And after a while, you sit and you ponder on the wind that blew this good fortune your way... and you cannot help but be thankful... Especially so on this day - the day of your birth...

I am thankful for the existence of YOU.

Happy Birthday Bear!
May each of your days to come
Be filled with as much sunshine
As you shower along your way!

My Fren

Friend ~ noun

1. A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. A person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
3. A person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.

Call me strange. Call me weird. But there are two words that I find over-used and it is 'my friend'. It's terrible and quite the sin in my view cos friends are the people you know you can count on to go the mile with you.

It takes time, a healthy number of exchanges and mutual experiences and a lot of common ground before one moves from 'someone I know' to being 'my friend.' Read the definition above.

This maybe one of the reasons why I am quite the loner that I am. However, it doesn't quite bother me that the people who do fit the bill are not many. And those who are in like Flint, I would say I have no qualms on laying down my strength behind them.

I may be a bit harsh here. And being quite unfair. But hey - to each their own and this is the path of my choosing. My time is precious and my emotions scarce. I'm not on a mission to enlarge my social network - I hardly have the time to spend with those I truly care about.

People should realise this before they embark on a mission of accumulation. Especially before they start counting Barbsie as their fren.

THAT I could so do without!

P.S. Before you start thinking of it - lemme just come out right to say it. Barbsie is a reserved terminology. And right now - only 2 have the right to it.

Spinning Outta Control

I would like to say I found my 'voice' today and unleashed the devil within. But I'm not proud. In fact, I still feel like I'm only 2 milimeters' tall.

So.Not.Good.

I'm like a freakin tornado today, spining out of control, growing from strength to strength with every touch-down. I should lock myself up on days like these, shut everything off and just disappear.

I know at least one person who would be grateful if I did just that today. Alas, turn back time, we can't.

One can only hope that this too, shall pass.. SOON! Before more innocents lose their lives!

The Wolf in My Bed

I’m in a mode. A place where even I cannot reach myself.

Don't be so hard on yourself
Those tears are for someone else
I hear your voice on the phone
I hear you feel so alone

I cannot find the meaning to life right now and it’s sickening cos I have the reputation of knowing everything, big picture or small. I know I once said that it’s alright not to know things. Yet, right now – it doesn’t feel alright.

When we were young and truth was paramount
We were older then and we lived our life without any doubt
Those memories ~ they seem so long ago.
What's become of them?
When you feel like me I want you to know

They say the universe revolves around the sun. It’s a phenomenon. It’s an act of God despite many books being written about it and all. It’s a magnetic pull they say. And right now I so agree with it.

Today I dreamed of friends I had before
And I wonder why the ones who care don't call anymore
My feelings hurt but you know I overcome the pain
And I'm stronger now, there can't be a fire unless there's a flame

I really don’t wanna blog. Not right now. Not this way. Like it was said to me earlier this evening, it’s only Day 5 and I already sound so tired. And while I don’t ask very much of the people around, it has been said to me enough times that I am emotionally draining. And so, I don’t really wanna put my thoughts in the mess that they are, down here. But then again, if I turn away from the one I really wanna talk to and my blog – where am I to go?

Limousines and sycophants
Don't leave me now
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me
Is now the wolf in my bed … in my head

*Sigh* It doesn’t really matter does it? Where I go? After all, at the end of the day… nobody would know anyways otherwise.

Empty

Tried to take a picture of love
Didn't think I'd miss her (him) that much
I want to fill this new frame
But it’s empty

Tried to write a letter in ink
It's been getting better, I think
I got a piece of paper
But it’s empty, it’s empty

It’s weird.. really weird.. how over a cigarette along a staircase, I could come outright and say what’s locked in the vault of my head. And that to someone I would call a colleague but not quite yet a good friend.

My day was long. Long and in a way, quite empty. I don’t really have to state the reason why it felt empty even though it was fulfilling work wise.

Instead of saying that.. I am staying silent.

If something is indeed nothing, it will remain but empty.

And THAT my dear half Swiss / half French boy is the precise reason why I am choosing to do the things I told you today. It is why I am not able to listen to you, tender-aged though you are but having grown wise in a span of weeks.

There’s nothing to give right now and it wouldn’t be right to be empty with somebody else.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.

One would think that with serious motivation and concentration, one would be able to will one’s mind to do one’s bidding. Well, whoever who came up with that theory is way off the mark. Cos sometimes, one’s heart just over-rides the mind, no matter what.

I spent my life learning to feel less. Everyday I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?

You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow,
To no place in particular

I could not look at myself in the mirror the whole weekend. A mix of utter disgust and angst. Disgust cos I’m turning myself into this machine – this mindless, logic-less and conscienceless machine. Angst cos if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what else will.

I felt suddenly shy. I was not used to shy. I was used to shame. Shyness is when you turn your head away from something you want. Shame is when you turn your head away from something you do not want.

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way
I used to listen
You always had just the right thing to say

Not a bloody day goes by without me thinking this one particular thought about this one particular person. And it’s just getting to the point where I am so tired with myself for going after something I cannot have.

I wondered if I should stop him. If I should wrestle him to the ground and force him to love me. I wanted to hold his shoulders down and shout into his face.

I used to follow you
Never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow
To anywhere at all

But more importantly, I am tired of the fact that while my world does not revolve around him, not anymore, my mind does. And it’s frustrating cos nothing else seems to matter.

I can see – my eyes are crummy but I can see.

I look around me
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared

It has to change this year. It bloody has to. And it has to before I lose myself in the whole scheme of things. As it is, I do not really recognize the me that I am these days. And it really shouldn’t be the case. Being in this state of higher consciousness should make me want to be a better person, not to be the complete opposite of who I am really am.

It’s a shame that we have to live, but it’s a tragedy that we get to live only one life.

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see
We used to have this under control

I’m even losing my words, finding solace in the words of others. Cos I’ve buried mine so deep inside my head and my heart.

There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.

We never thought
We used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

How frustrating. How pathetic. How sad.
If I’d been someone else in a different world I would have done something different.
Sometimes one simply wants to disappear.
There’s nothing wrong with not understanding yourself.
How sad.
Don’t cry.
Broken and confused.
So sad.
Something.
Nothing.
Something.

It is indeed very sad. But the saddest bit would be this: For me to ultimately get out of this rut that has been going on for far too long, would be to change my name and move to another city. Even then, deep down I know - it still ain't gonna work.

It's a bloody bastard of a life when someone could be this extremely loud and incredibly close, and how Something could still be Nothing.

Sleuth

I am having a massive chuckle.

People often tell me that I'm quite smart. Where they fail to estimate is that I am also very resourceful. Put the 2 together, and what you get is a highly intelligent individual who can get things done the way other people do not often see.

I'm laughing about it because I can two-and-two together more acutely and accurately than one could ever give me credit for. Despite having travelled the world over, educated to the high heavens and having a high-profile job, one is still beaten and exposed at the hands of this mere being.

*Sigh* When are people around me gonna realise that it is pointless - utterly pointless, to even attempt to lie to me in my face?! That I would eventually find out the things that were meant to be kept hidden?!

This sleuth-playing thingy - ain't gonna get me no where in particular. Vengence is not my decree. These days, it's just something to laugh about. And when I can't laugh about it, no matter how hard I try to brush it off, it's just another thing that would deepen the wedge that exist.

But I'm having my laugh nonetheless. I'm just satisfied knowing otherwise.

Monkey see, monkey do

de·test di-test ~ verb (used with object)

1. To feel abhorrence of
2. Hate
3. Dislike intensely

It was a long drive home. Something about rain and people forgetting how to drive right. But then again, they could just be cautious and slowing down to avoid skidding on the slippery roads. SO.NOT!

I absolutely detest drivers who have to slow down to stare at every single bump and grind that has taken place on the roads on a rainy day. I mean - Dude! You've probably cursed and swore at the queue! So move it along why don't you?!

As I signalled to cross lanes, a bike that was 2 cars behind me starting tooting his horn. Now that is also something I detest - motorcyclists who think that their lane is along the white lines on the road. I mean - get with the programme - there were no cars to my left so swerve left!

I'm ranting I know. And it ain't gonna change anything in this world tonight. Well, not my world at least. But it has to come out before it carries over to tomorrow. And my chef has already warned me that he did not wanna hear how I did not have a Friday night.

Well Chef - there ain't gonna be not much of a Friday night from hence forth simply cos people don't remember the things they say very often. And frankly, I'm getting quite tired of that. Especially when at times they themselves wonder how others could do the same.

But then again, they could be like the rest of the world - ask questions, get answers and not do a damn thing about it. Kinda like this 360 degree appraisal that's going down at the office. When I got to my 6th appraisal (which was of my GM), I kinda sat back and pondered on the wisdom of it all. I mean - what the hell kind of change is exactly gonna take place despite hearing the thoughts of other people?!

Call me bitter. Call me irational. Call me anything you want. It ain't gonna make much of a damn difference to me simply because of two things - 1) I don't really care for what your thoughts are of me right now, and 2) I detest the ME that I am right now.

So yeah - Smack me! Spank me! Throw me a banana and call me a Monkey.

Cat and Mouse

There's a cat-and-mouse game that's going on right now. It's quite fun in some ways, though at others, it's quite nail-biting; hair-pulling even. It's not a game that I should be involved in. It goes against most things that I hold as my belief system. And something tells me that it's not gonna end pretty.

I should just throw in the towel and walk off the pitch right now. Cos I've been here and back before. And I know that there is a ceiling rate to the price to pay. And I'm not gonna be the one paying cos I've already paid my dues.

The signs are all there, despite all the "Eyes-wide-open" bits. Skip to weeks down the road when all game plays have been exhausted, someone's gonna get hurt big time. And it's not me cos I'm not the only who is extending play. I'm not the one walking away and coming back. Yeah - that's right. It's not me this time round.

I feel sorry for the poor sod. I do. Really. Cos while he can be quite the bastard, he is also quite a nice bloke, in a way. Maybe there was a reason as to why we never met as kids back home. We're just plain bad news for the other.

And trust me - being round the block and doing the cups and all, ain't nothing compared to meeting this doll. Especially not when she's out for the kill. Tame puddy-tat, this one ain't.

So be the wise one and slink away. I'd really hate to break a boy from back home.

Number One

I was asked what my resolutions for the year was earlier this evening. While most would stick with things like drink less, smoke less - or quit altogether, I was going for a more general one of "Doing less stupid and idotic things" for the year. And I was really gonna go and give it a big shot at succeeding! Hey - I did my last conscious dumbo thing yesterday, before the year ended, just so I could start clean!

Unfortunately, in the span of the 5 hours into 2008, I have already been confronted by the ghosts of a one last dumbo and I am sitting here at 5 am, reeling slightly from it.

I cannot really write about it. For if I did, I would incur the wrath of many people I know personally and Amanda would fly back to bash my head in (and girl - you would do so just for the thought of it and not IT itself!).

Whatever it is, the baseline of my thoughts right now is this: People these days do not have much values in life anymore. That, which should hold utmost sanctity, is as easy-come-easy-go as the next shot of alcohol.

And that is just downright sad. Afterall as Sen said on his blog:

What is the thingy you mumble when you get married?

A vow.

Oh.

Yeah - Oh indeed! Just freaking leave me out of it I say!

16 past midnight

The clock has turned and the calendar's changed.

It's a brand new year and the crowds are whoopee-ing away outside as the skies light up with the pyro show that's going on. Lydia is bouncing up and down in awe of the fireworks and Luke's too tired to even stir.

I could be out there, among the crowds, half way out of the land of sobriety with my Swiss colleague, his girlfriend and a bunch of people I don't really know. But instead, I chose to stay in, have a quiet pizza dinner with my folks and kids. And I am glad of this conscious decision.

For as the Bear rightfully said earlier - the year starts with the family. And I have not been doing enough of that lately.

As I hugged Lydia close, I found my eyes tearing up, hardly daring to believe that this gorgeous creature in my arms is half of me. And indeed - there was no better way to usher this year in - a year with many big milestones to mark.

While many things may seem like it was only yesterday, I know that I cannot wait to leave yesterday behind and stride into tomorrow. For tomorrow is them - Lydia and Luke.

And at 16 minutes past midnight, tomorrow looks awesomely bright already!

Happy New Year... may you be as blessed as I am!