Peek-A-Boo

I have pondered and lodged my thoughts here in the past year about many things. Some of them happen as random thoughts, and some inspired by someone, something, I had come across. And I would write them down in my own fashion, knowing that it is safe here - untouched, unknown, undiscovered by the people that matters.

Yet, at some point in time, these thoughts and perspectives cross, without warning (and trust me - I have booby-trapped this sight so red flags would go off when it has too!). And in such a fashion, it gives me a feeling of deja vu, goosebumps and all.

It feels as if someone's crawled into my head / installed hidden cameras in my room taping me mumble in my sleep / planted a chip in my head to download my thoughts.

But you know what.. after the goosebumps have settled and the bubble of "OhMyGawd" has settled, it is THE most wonderous feeling in the world... cos when that happens, it's the closest you can feel to another person.

And life... doesn't feel so alone anymore. 

3 Rooms & 2 Baths

"What is home" I asked myself as I waited at the airport, in the hour long flight and on the train back into town. I said I was coming home, but what is home to me? I have a house but the only space I have in it is my bedroom. Every other room and space has a barrier, a block.. maybe cos the emotions have been there for so long, I can't get rid of it anymore."

I wished with all my heart, I didn't have to hear those words being said out loud. It serves as another reminder that sometimes, people bury themselves so far in, it'll take a whole lot more than 4 nights of rigourous workouts to be able to fit into that wee tiny hole they have pushed themselves into.

Doesn't matter how tough we are

Trauma always leaves a scar. 

I have been living in my present place for 3 months now. And since the day I unlocked the door by myself, it has had this calming effect on my soul - I knew it in my bones that I could and would call it home. That it would not matter very much if most days I go back to it empty ~ I would be able to sit, sleep, play and rest in it without feeling out of sorts. But that's only happened cos this place is brand new - it has no balconies to sit on and have conversations with the moon, it does not have ghosts lurking in closets, and it wasn't the result of something bad happening in my life.

It may not belong to me, be listed in my books as an asset. Yet, there are those out there who are envious of me and my lil cubby hole in the sky, simply cos it's bright and shiny - like a newly minted penny coin.

It follows us home, it changes our lives. 

Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. 

I dunno how else to make things right, to make things better. I know I should not try to be Atlas - taking on the weight of the world on my shoulders. But I cannot also stand by and do nothing, not even a tiny bit. This is my people we're talking about. And to know that my people is choosing to live out of a suitcase instead of home ~ it's not done.

But as I said - I do not know how else to make things better, without seeming to be Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction (dead rabbits and all!)

All the pain and the fear and the crap. 

Maybe going through all of that
is what keeps us moving forward. 
It's what pushes us. 

So for now, I cook. I cook what I think would whet the appetite, even tho it's 12.30 in the morning. And I put together lil bits and pieces of this and that ~ CARE Packages to bring about a smile. And I write, all the things I dare to say here but not outloud.

It's not meant to make me a hero. Nor is it meant to carry any hopes.

It's just simply being there for my people, so that they know that even if their own 3 rooms and 2 baths feel strange, they can go right ahead and make mine their own.

Cos there is not worse feeling in the world, than feeling as if you have no home.

Maybe we have to get a little messed up,
before we can step up. 

Experience Used

We have just observed Earth Hour 2009 in our lil box in the sky.

It started with all of us going around the house, putting off power switches and light. Then it was sitting down to the dinner table to light the candles (yes - I went all the way!)

I had readied some crafts for the kids to do and they now each have an Earth Wreath - made from a cereal box and bits of wrapping paper I had lying around the house - 1st lesson of recycling. The Earth Wreath is an excellent tool to teach kids about 1) Recycle and 2) The Ozone.

Once we had that done, I started on my ice cube experiment - 1 in my astray and another in a glass. The astray being used as an example of a damaged ozone and its impact on climate change. And yes - the exposed ice cube melted at twice the speed of the one encased in the glass.

My kids surprised me tho with their ability to understand and commit to memory. Luke especially as he closed his video session of the whole experience ~ a stern reminder to put off all your lights especially when you go to sleep. And Lydia - in her typical show-princess fashion had to do a redition of "I've got the whole world in my hands."

I'm pretty pleased with myself right now cos I think I've done a whole load of good with these two youngsters than their school had in helping them understand the concept of Earth Hour and the purpose of environmental protection.

I had wanted to take them to places like Dataran Merdeka or even KLCC to observe these places with the lights off. But when I heard of how more electricity was being expanded in THIS hour of conservation reminder (they were having open air concerts for crying out loud!!!) - I said screw it and embarked on this project.

It might have taken some work on my part - but hey, isn't that we parents are suppose to do? And it's really not rocket science re. teaching kids and for that I'm grateful to my experience of 5 years in the school, which I am now using with my kids.

Videos will follow next week once I get them uploaded!

In The Midnight Hour

I have not slept very much in the last 36, coming to 48 hours. Woke up at 7 to go to work yesterday and didn't hit the sack till after Lydia's Sports' Day this morning at 11. Needless to say, I got a shelling when the cat was let out of the bag, from a person who's never said a sentence to me starting with "Don't..." So yes, I know when I get a "Don't ever do this again girl" it was to be taken with no salt.

But that's me. Person who does not want to miss out on life. What more when I know it's not idle chit-chat, and in the risk of possible arguments and differing opinions, middle ground will somehow be found. And the importance of 'life' and 'perspective' becomes more profound.

I have this thing with rice / Chinese food. I can go for weeks on end without having any. But once I break that cycle, I find myself craving for it at almost every meal. 

This cycle has been broken. And I find myself craving for it, barely 12 hours on. Yet it has to be tamed, cos there are only so many hours within a weekend. 

So while I may have to spend the next few days, sitting at the bottom of the pit of withdrawal symptoms, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Every waking minute of it past the midnight hour has been well worth it.

Seriously? Seriously!

Which Grey's Anatomy Character Are You?

More on Grey's Anatomy. Created by BuddyTV

Tale of Two Cities

It's Friday. And we do so love Fridays. Cos it means that the work week is coming to an end, and someone gets to come back home.

Looking back, I sure was blaise in saying "Go. If you have to be based somewhere else, you have to go ~ work comes first!" In the last one month, I have had more meltdowns than I can count, and more tantrums than I have ever thrown. So much for being tough.

But nonetheless, today's Friday. As it was said yesterday evening "One more day to go before I get to come home" ...

Well, 2 hours at the gym, 3 hours spent travelling here and there, 6 hours of sleep ... we only have 12 hours more to tolerate. I'm sure I can suck it in.

Should. Must. Do.

"What should I do with my life?"

In these turbulent times, a lot of people seem to ask the same question. Yet, it's not rocket science what it is that one must or should do ~ anything and everything that would keep food on the table and roof over your head. 

Then when you've got that bit nailed down, go out and network. Get your name out there. Cos in our society and culture, some opportunities might not come your way unless you indicate that you're open to it.

Like I said - it's not rocket science. It's merely a question of not losing your head to anxiety and then running around like Chicken Little.

Real MONSTER

YOU are now OFFICIALLY my WORST NIGHTMARE!

Q&A

I put in my Facebook, a status of ponderous this morning. And as the sun set over the city skyline, that could not be further from the truth. For today, I helped a friend bury his younger sister, and afterwards shared the joy of another friend in welcoming her 1st niece.

The LegalBeagle asked when I told him of this two conflicting events happening in my world in the span of one day: "Can't you have an ordinary boring life like the rest of us?" My reply is that I wished I could cos Lord knows how I cannot get a grip on the amount of empathy that flows from me.

I didn't have to be there for the first. I had already paid my respects. Yet, something in me felt compelled this morning as I woke up, to ring the church, get the priest to go by, and then taking time off myself to attend the cremation of a total stranger. Walking the round of respect, holding up his girlfriend as grief overcame her. Steeling my heart against the wails of a mother as she watched her child gets taken away (trust me on this one - you do not want this to happen, even to the worst of your enemies!). 

Why? Why did I get myself involved in such a close way? Brie is not exactly the closest of my friends. And the family are virtual strangers. Could it be that cos the saying for today on my never-ending calendar says that "Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness"?

And in the aftermath of death, comes the news of birth. A pretty lil girl, a first born, a child who is born to live out every dream that she can think up. Though not much was said on this news, I can picture the smiles on the grandparents' faces as I was there when this lil girl's cousin came into the world. 

I suppose this happens, every second, every minute, all around the world. Yet for it to take place, in the span of 12 hours, in my world - it goes beyond irony.

I asked Ben to give me perspective on it. Cos as I drove home, all I could think of was "Where's the balance?"  Two households in the valley has two empty beds tonight. One awaits the return of its owner and a newcomer to the family. The other will remain forever empty. Two sets of parents. One beaming at their child, the other sent off their child to eternity. Where is the fairness in life?

LB says it's just a day I need to get thru, without understanding why or needing perspective on it.

I would like to think that there is always a reason for things to happen, and that there's a lesson in it for me to become aware to, and learn from. Not to say I'm reaping from the sorrows of others, or stealing the joys of some. But for these two contrasting events to happen in my two bit wee small world on the same day ~ it's as close as the spirit smacking me on the back of my head.

Ben says I really shouldn't ask why, that it's all been pathed out. The stories are unfolding, one page at a time and that Brie's family is merely unfolding some very sad pages but not for long. And that we should all be grateful for all blessings.

To every thing there is a season, 

and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; 

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; 

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; 

A time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; 

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; 

A time of war, and a time of peace.

I guess there is truth and wisdom in the perspectives of both LB and Ben: It's one of those things that have been written, but unseen to the human eye. And I can only take it as it is as try as I may, I may never understand the timing of things. It is not my place to ask why, what more demand for an answer to it. If anything else, it only goes to further prove that there is a God somewhere out there. And it is to HIS will, not ours that things happen.

Veronika

I finally caved and decided to spend a week's worth of fags on another Paulo Coelho book ~ Veronika Decides to Die. It's a must read for me, not only cos it's a PC book, but cos it's gonna be one of the books I will discuss over lunch, 3 months from now with one of my colleague who is also an avid PC fan.

A small book i.e. less than 250 pages, I had to pace myself to not devour in one sitting ~ I sometimes feel that I insult the author's days and months of slaving when I do that. And the ending was one that surprised me. Cos contrary to the title, Veronika doesn't die. In.The.End.

I have just returned home from the wake of someone I did not know. A friend's sister. Someone I have heard spoken off, but never actually met before. A young life, extinguished at the tender age of 27. As I stood there, saying my prayers for the repose of her soul, I observed her mother, sobbing still some 12 hours later from her passing. As a mother, I cannot imagine how it must feel to have to bury one's child. And I tried to think of all the things this young lady had done, and would not do. Simply cos her time had run out.

Not ten days before, I consciously took a handful of valium and washed it down with a full mug of whiskey, then sat down in the darkness of my living room, waiting for the eternal sleep to enfold me in its arms while the telly played my fave series of Grey's Anatomy. And I say consciously cos before I went home that night, I took my kids out, bought them whatever they wanted with what lil money I had left and told them I loved them before I left.

And these two incidents brings me back to my book. For Veronika was a young lassy, who decided that she had nothing left to live for, and decided that she would call it a day. Just. Like. That. No drama, no fuss, no heartache, no pain. Just simply cos life was like that and like that was unbearable.

It was a strange experience ~ to know only my friend in a room full of strangers, and a wooden box. But yet, there is a lesson to be learnt, and it comes in the form of a para extract from page 209:

"Dr Igor pondered the arguyments long and hard and decided that it didn't really matter. She would consider each day a miracle ~ which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences."

I told Ben once that life was too short - that we are already dying as soon as we were born. And his reply to me was simply this "Pray then for me that I may live while I am dying." Maybe I should pray the same for me too.

Wanderlust

"I dare not leave and proceed to do the things that I have always want to do...  I've always wanted to backpack & see the world...Are you sure I can go away for a few months and come back?"

These were the thoughts of my staff on her Facebook in the last couple of days. We have not spoken about it in-depth cos I've been on leave. But gathering from it, I reckon some of her friends have made that decision to up-and-at-em, and the feeling of "How I wish I could join them" has been on her mind.

We have all heard many sayings and quotes about how to strike while the iron is hot. My fave todate is this: In life, the moment of absolute certainty does not exist. And that is the message I am trying to impart to my colleague who has become some sort of a friend as well.

It is a daunting decision to make ~ putting what we know as LIFE aside to pursue another aspect of it. What would we do for money? Can we survive the ardous demands of backpacking travel? What if crisis arise at home while we're away? And can we successfully resume life again, after we release the pause-button?

As her boss, knowing that she is entertaining this thought weighs heavy on my mind. Afterall, she is the main artery of the office. Can we manage without her? And if we do, can she fit back in once her wanderlust has run out? And I guess it is the latter that concerns me...  Where do I draw the line as her future employer and as her friend on this note, especially when economic viability comes into play?

I have taken a long time to come to accept that different folks have different strokes. That while I may have my own ambitions and goals that I want to reach, I may not be able to take my team with me cos it's just not in them to reach for the same stars. And she is one of them. She will try her damnest cos it is in her supportive nature. But jet-setter, high-flyer, go-getter she is not. 

So yes, I have given her my encouragement for her to seriously consider taking up this option of doing what she wants, and yes, I will hold the door open for her. Simply cos  I have taught her all I can, the rest is really up to her, if she wants to be a part of the A-Team that I am trying to build.

And I am hoping that by seeing the world, she will learn the lessons that one cannot learn inside of an office and organisation structure. Perhaps this is the adventure she needs, to grow and rise to the place that by tenure and seniority, would be rightfully hers when the time comes.

Best and Worst

"Today is the most wonderful day ever!" exclaimed my daughter Lydia as we drove back in lunchtime Friday traffic from town.

What made this day the most wonderful? I suppose it's cos she's back home after two weeks away, and she has me all to herself (Luke's gone off back to JB with the folks and would only be back tomorrow). Add to that, she lunched at a very posh restaurant with her godmum, and even got to pick a gift at Toys R Us. This being her mid-semester break, today would be her 1st outing to do some mall-ratting ~ a far cry from her years when she would mall-rat at least once a week. 

I'm winding the day down with her after we made an attempt at some clay art, a dinner at KFC and more mall-ratting to buy art supplies. And I cannot help but compare her statement to that made by my niece a day before of "This is the worst day ever!" simply cos she was stuck in the car in mid-day traffic.

We have all lamented at some point or other about a day being bad, or a day being good ~ our use of adjectives, dependent on the level of BMW-ness (bitchy, moany, whiny) that we're in. And as we get caught more and more in the rat-race of life, I find that there seem to be more bad days than good.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is this: Life is not all that complicated or fussy, if only we continue to look at the world and LIFE itself thru the eyes of a child. 

Perhaps then, we'll be able to take the lil good things and allow them to make our days the best ever.

What a Day!

They say, there would be certain moments in your life, where you WOULD KNOW that the things to come would change your world. Forever.

If that be true, today would be one of those days.

My last lodgement wrote of how the gun was jumped and how awkward it was with my superior. I suppose that was a premonition of things to come, tho not on the front with her. Cos after 9 months, I had my 1st official review with my Irish bosses, and the outcome of it was the mandate to have my plans for the business, which is to include geographical expansion, as well as the partnership contract drawn up by summer so we could have them signed off by January 2010. To think that I had only interviewed for this job a year ago ~ Things sure are moving at a faster pace than I had grown accustomed to.

I am excited and eager to move forward. And I am mightily pleased to say that my folks were with me all the way, before and after the review with some 340 kilometers in-between. And I am also mightily pleased to say that while I have to throw in a few more kilometers for a certain somebody, he was also a part of that joyous tho brief few minutes after I came out of the room. 

My long day is just ending, what with the observation of St Patrick's Day (which is also Ireland's National Day) at the embassy reception. And as we wound down the night with a glass of wine in the lobby lounge of the Shangri-la, I couldn't help but appreciate the truth in the statement: Success is made even sweeter when you have people to share it with.

So while I may have turned the keys to the door of an empty house, it didn't at all feel bad cos I know these persons are with me, despite whatever song they have to sing.

Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig oraibh!

Out of the Bag

"Congratulations! You deserve this!"

"So YOU're the person to watch and to get to know eh?"

"We're so glad you're going to be taking over."

I am rarely one who loses her tongue, in front of her clients. Yet, last night it slipped past me and skitted away to hide in some dark corner after the Chair of the Consortium made public the pending retirement of my boss and my impending succession of her at our Annual Reception.

And trust me - it sure was an awkward moment or two, standing there with my boss afterwards, watching her try to address the comments directed at her, while accepting my own falicitations.

*Eeks* If I had known this was coming, I would have encamped myself next to the bar and drank wine out of the bottle(s) with a straw! But I didn't. And neither did she.

And I guess, there's no turning back now... that the cat's out of the bag. And I have but no choice, then to rise to the occasion.

God ~ I am so dreading my review tomorrow!

Twenty-Eight Minutes

I had a Dark Night - a very dark night, a few days ago. It was so dark, it's best left where it ended. But as all things goes, there's a lesson to be had in all twists and turns of life. Mine? The Dark Night has to end at some point, when the sun comes up and day dawns a new once again. No matter what happens in my lil sphere - the world continues to turn on its own axis and will continue to bring me along with me, without me realising it.

And having gone past that, I'm working my way towards heading to feeling good; "heading" being the operative word.

If solutions offered, cannot be accepted - it is beyond me.

If calls, texts, mails goes unanswered - it is beyond me. 

As my cousin Paul said on one of his blog postings: I have to stop going around thinking I'm Atlas, by carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder.

So yes. While it may be Friday the 13th, and while I may be dressed from head to toe in black, and while I add another day of silence to the growing number of days ~ they are all beyond me. And I think, I shall just live with that, without doing any more harm to my ownself.

As it was said in Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes:

If I must be faithful to someone or something, 

then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself

As to why twenty-eight minutes? Simply cos that's precisely the time I have to lodge my thoughts and get out of the office to be on time for a function.

Big Day

It's a big day today... for me... at least!

It's been talked about till kingdom come, blogged about till the alphabets ran off the keys, and it's been agonized about over too many cups of tea. But nonetheless, if I put my head down to it ~ I will and I can.

He's finally legit and I'm darn proud of it (even though it's only a piece of paper) cos it's a phase of life that I have always hoped of arriving at, but never had the guts nor confidence to push on to. 

And who exactly is he?

Well, a few more nights at the pc and you'll find out about it.

But for tonight - I shall go on to my pigeon hole in the sky, and ...

Put the bloody lime in the coconut and drink a toast to my reflection in the mirror and me!

It isn't afterall everyday that one becomes a business owner :o)

Can Anybody Hear Me?

"Be your own best friend" said Paul in his comment that he left to me, from some 400 miles away. And tonight, as I sit here at my desk, drained - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically, trying very hard not to go camp next to my fridge with vodka on my left and my fags on my right - they are the only words that hang still in my mind...

There's a little boy waiting at the counter of the corner shop

He's been waiting down there, waiting half the day,

They never ever see him from the top

He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground,

He gets to his feet and he says...

"It's one of those days" I told the LegalBeagle earlier on when I asked him for an online hug. Imagine that - asking an almost stranger (no offense mate!) for a virtual hug just to feel better about myself and my day. "What's eating you" was his reply ~ after giving a virtual hug of course. And I thought - how do I even begin to unravel all these things that needs to be ravelled?

There's a pretty girl serving at the counter of the corner shop

She's been waiting back there, waiting for a dream,

Her dreams walk in and out, they never stop

Well, she's not too proud, to cry out loud

She runs to the street and she screams...

They say that blood is thicker than water. Yet all my dad could think to do while I ran all the way home was to surf the net. I'm an adult, not one really prone to whinning and whinging. But I cannot help compare of how he rallied the phone lines to our family when my brother was in crisis. So what am I doing wrong that all I get is a cursory "yes", "no", "patience"?

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough, now I want my share

Can't you see, I wanna live

But you just take more than you give

I am standing on the edge of venturing into unknown pastures - of setting up something of my own.. well, technically I would own half of it. And I can't even tell my folks cos I cannot anticipate how they would react. And really, the last 4 months of working on it, has given me enough heartache ~ I do not think I would be able to take another one.

Take a step back and see the little people

They might be young, but they're the ones that make the big people big

So listen as they whisper: "What about me?"

I asked a year ago - how is it that people, who do not have the same DNA as me, nor the same blood running through our veins can see so much in me, yet those that share the basic human commonalities with me, CAN NOT? My partner in kyrme, trusts me so much with how I will give shape to his dream, that he can give me absolute decision making power. My girlfriend can drop everything she had to do, without me even asking, and not just to sit by me but to make sure I eat.

And now I'm standing on the corner, all the world's gone home

Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved

And I'm feeling cold and alone

So somebody please tell me - why is it in that lil box they call home, nobody sees me? Nobody hears me?

I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot

But sometimes I wish for more than I've got...

What is it that I have to do, to achieve, to accomplish... to get equal footing in that lil box, everyone else calls my home?

I am so tired of all of it, of everyone, and bearing everything on my own that I do wonder if it would all be far better if I just downed a whole tab of valium, wash it down with a bottle of CC and go off to sleep for a lifetime. Right now, it sure seems a pretty appealing prospects cos I have tried everything else and nothing's worked.

Under~Stand

It was a disturbed sleep night. Can't say I am well rested at all. So I am very thankful that today is a holiday and that my brother has taken the kids to the beach for a break. I guess that is what happens when one goes to bed fuming and raging.

un⋅der⋅stand ~ verb (used witah object)

1. To perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend
   
2. To be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of
   
3. To assign a meaning to; interpret
   
4. To grasp the significance, implications, or importance of
   
5. To regard as firmly communicated; take as agreed or settled
   
6. To learn or hear
   
7. To accept as true; believe
   
8. To construe in a particular way
   
9. To supply mentally (something that is not expressed)
   

With a clear head this morning, waking up to a drizzle (correct me if I'm wrong, but our weather's gone way wonky hasn't it?), I have been trying to wrap my head around the whole concept of "dishonesty" and "betrayal". On one hand, I cannot get past the fact that given countless opportunities to wipe the slate clean, it wasn't taken. WHAT GIVES?! Yet on the other, I can fully comprehend... no wait, there is nothing that I can comprehend. 

Carrying on from late last night, I suppose I can say that I am anger and upset because I was the greater fool. And that doesn't sit well at all with me. And to have someone can make light of having misplaced my trust so easily and callously, just adds fuel to the fire.

I am sick and tired of all these half-truths. Truly - it wears me down more than anyone else can fathom. It doesn't throw me into a spiral of despair, but it does dig up a whole dejavu sensation of "having been there and done that."

Yes, I am having severe beef with something so trivial. But that's because I have been taken on one ride too many, and honestly - I am perfectly capable of driving myself off the edge of the cliff.

So do me a damn favour and stop jumping on the hood!