Roadtrip

I'm doing a roadtrip wif my folks and kids back to the hometown. As my mum said - it's been years since we've all ridden in a car together. Monday calls it Doing The Adult thing, and says it's about time I kept my family cued in on my life. Oh well - nothing like being in a car at night for hours to get that sorted eh? Have a great long weekend y'all. I'm off for some good homestate chow.

Higher Ground

I heard a familiar story at a convocation ceremony over the weekend – a tale of a jar, filled with golf balls, then pebbles, then sand and finally two cups of coffee. While I think that the audience at which the tale was targeted at might not have gotten the jist of it, it wasn’t a waste of the Dean’s time – someone heard what his message was.

It has been a bit of a topsy-turvy time, making me question a lot of my judgment calls and the decisions I have made. Things that I clung on to my dear life, turned out to be nothing but pebbles and sand.

Walk me over this horizon
Let the sun’s light warm my face
Once again the times are changing
Once again I lost my way

What have I learnt in these 32 years of living? A whole lot of lessons, I must say. I have seen and done things that others only read of, or watched on the telly. I have always thought that it was these trials that made me the strong person that I am. But in actuality, I did not just land, hitting the ground running ~ I was burying myself deeper into the ground each time, losing a bit of my soul.

While the words of ancient poets
Fall like dust upon my shoes
Greed has robbed me of my vision
Turned my heart from higher truths

They say carpe diem – seize the day. And I realize that I was holding out for one big day to seize, grab and call my own. I forget that each day is THE day, and there is something in it for me, to call my own. A laugh, a smile, a thought, an idea, a memory recalled, a memory made, a hug, a kiss, a compliment, a pat on the back – it is what makes each day.

I have walked too long in darkness
I have walked too long alone
Blindly clutching fists of diamonds
That I found were merely stone

Each year since the day I was born, has been filled with nothing but it. Yet I have failed to see, to appreciate, to cherish each and every one of them. As I count the next 24 hours, to turning a year older, I would like to count all my blessings for once ~ to really sit and take stock of all my achievements and gifts.

And they are:

I have been given more time to be with my angels and my family. I have missed out on so much, sacrificed so much, telling myself that it was for their greater good – their future. What I had forgotten is that their present is equally important, and without the present – there would be no future. By the time I am done providing for them, they might not be my side any longer. Mum’s so psyched that I’m going home tonight for dinner to celebrate my birthday that she woke up early to go to the market, to get my favourite food.

I have been given a new path in my career, allowing me to learn to lead rather than do. What I do today may not be as glamorous as what I used to do. But here’s the thing – I have lived out of suitcases and airports, I have power-lunched with head honchos, I have railed and banged my fair share of conference tables and I have signed enough documents. None of them brought me the sense of fulfillment I sought. I am currently doing the ONE thing that I am passionate about. As a wise bread man once said – there is nothing to be envious about when it comes to tones of emails to reply, phone calls to return or mountains of paperwork to tackle. It’s not the amount of time I spend in the office, or the amount of walking I do. Yet each minute I spend at it, might change someone’s future just that little bit. And no amount of frequent flyer miles can bring about that.

I have been reunited with friends and I have strengthen the bonds of existing friendship, growing that wee bit more, behaving less like a child (I think!) and shifting it from being the mundane, to being the diamonds that I would proudly wear. I have always said I have enough friends and am not here to populate my phone book. But I have never lived it out. For those who are on my phonebook were nothing but names and contacts. And it was a pity for they are indeed the best people I could think of in the world, to have standing by my side. They hurt when I hurt or even when they think that I could even be remotely hurting. They take the time out to sit me down, look me in the eye and tell me things in a way that only they could make me see.

Last but not least, I am finally casting aside some rotting potatoes that have been weighing me down. I surprise even myself at that when I picked up my phone during drive-home traffic, asking a friend to convey a birthday wish today. And for once, it was remembered without a touch of sardonic twist of “I hope you’re happy.” 40 is a big milestone and sincerely, I wish said person the best in the path he walks.

I would trade the world of ages
For a warmer hand to hold
The path of light is narrow
But it leads to streets of gold

I used to think I know it all, having been there and done that. But I do not. So many of life’s lessons I wrote off as inappropriate or old school traditionalist way of living. And the words of Michelle Obama’s speech about her husband, American Presidential Candidate Barack Obama comes to mind – there is a way that the world is, and a way that the world should be. And that if we work as one, together, the way the world should be, would become a reality.

I think almost everyone who reads this, has at some point or other, spoken till they were blue in the face, trying to thread me back into the way my world should be. I have been walking against the tide, driving myself nowhere, trying to prove a point to everyone when I had no need to. I am my greatest enemy, undermining my own self without reason but with the false logic and rationale that that is the way my world is.

It’s not to say that my demons hiding in the closet have been absolutely cast out – that would be an exaggeration of the truth, for they still lurk in the dark recess of my mind. But the dust bunnies are no longer accumulating, and those that remain – they are progressively getting bored idling around.

In this world we move through shadows
Never sure of what we see
While the truth that lies between us
Come and share the truth with me

We only have once chance at this thing we call LIFE. And it is pointless to be a year older, and a year wiser, if all that we do is lose sight of what is real and now. For that would not be being wiser at all. And so, what then do I hope to achieve in the year to come?

I haven’t quite figured it out yet. There seems to be so many things that I feel I should do. But for starters, I’d go with a stab at being ME, and being alright if the real ME was less than. I think I’ll even try my hand at being honest at admitting that I am fallible and being alright with not being infallible. And last but not least, I would definitely go after what I want.

So take my hand and lift me higher
Be my love and my desire
Hold me safe and honour bound
Take my heart to higher ground

I feel free and light ~ as if I have the world at my feet and seeing the skies, the clouds, and the stars for the first time. And so as the calendar turns to a new page and the computer printout changes my age, I am looking into the mirror and alright with what I see. To borrow the words of a puppy – I may not be all that I am, but I’m alright being me.

Happy Birthday Me! Welcome to the rest of MY life!

Higher Ground

Barbra Streisand

Bumper Stickers

4 years ago, on my 29th birthday, Pups and I came up with this fantastic line, inspired by one too many brandy-soaked moraschino cherries. We thought it'd be great as a bumper sticker ~ It didn't quite qualify for being a Hallmark card cos of the 18SX implication.

Imagine - 4 years on, the phrase gets inspired to mind once again! Must be a sign to finally get them printed.

*grin* It's been a great day and a great year. Nothing beats a birthday that's come early!

Apollo-Gee

My niece has this nasty habit of uttering the word “sorry" for every single thing that she is chastised for. She can go up to 10 “sorry" in a span of half hour, on a really bad day. One fine day, after her 5th one, I dragged her aside and asked her why she thinks that by apologizing, she’s gotten way scot-free? Needless to say, she couldn’t give me an answer. And I don’t blame her cos she’s only turning 6.

Maybe it’s just me with a chip on my shoulder. But I believe that the word sorry should not be taken for granted and strewn a thousand times a day. Yet it seems that everyone else has the mentality and maturity of my young niece there.

To me, the word is a form of apology, and thus should be treated with some form of reverence. It is afterall, an expression of one’s regret or remorse or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured or wronged another.

I’m sorry I’m late.
I’m sorry I can’t make it.
I’m sorry I made this mistake.

As I sit and write this, I cannot help but think back to some people that I know of, who I am close with, who now seem to be as young as my niece is. Cos like her, they throw a "Sorry" one way and go and repeat the same act again, in the not too distant future.

Have we become so superficial that we actually believe that one word, made up of 5 alphabets are enough to communicate or demonstrate that we regret having done something that caused another to be upset?

It’s a situation that I have an issue with and maybe we should all sit and ponder a bit there. Are we behaving like the adults we’re supposed to be? Or are we all behaving like a child, thinking we could get away with murder, just because?

For if you are really regretful for being late, your behavior in the course of the time to follow would communicate in more ways than one sad lil word can do.

For if you are really remorseful for having to cancel, your determination to ensure that the next time round is kept to, would demonstrate that you are contrite for having done so initially.

For while you may behave like a 6 year old, doesn’t mean that the receiving party has the gullibility of a 6 year old as well to believe you.

Don’t forget – say it often enough without any real intention, it becomes just another word heard in the course of a day. And words have a habit of being soon enough forgotten. And so might the same apply to the one doing the uttering.

Eventually they too become nothing and forgotten.

The First One

I'm one of those persons who measures the weight of a friendship by the amount of thought and care that goes in.

Got my 1st birthday present today from 2 such persons. I am not surprised by their choice - a book for the word devourer. But the choice of title was a surprise - the 3rd Stephen Clark that I've yet to read.

They didn't have to ... but I'm glad they did. And that is the joy I derive from it - that I count them as my good friends.

And if it's the only gift I get this year, all I can say would be this:

Which Is IT?

pseu·do ~ adjective

1. Not actually but having the appearance of; pretended; false or spurious; sham.
2. Almost, approaching, or trying to be.

The English language sure is a funny thing! How could one word have 2 very opposite definitions?

I mean, pretending and trying to be may seem the same, but it's not. In my humble opinion, the former definition connotes some form of deception of already having achieved while the latter promotes a sense of working towards, and will get there eventually.

Imagine, if someone says you're in a pseudo-relationship. Are they insinuating that

1. You're not but living in fairy-land inside your head by pretending to be? OR
2. You're not but exuding all the characteristics of one?

Go figure!

*Sigh* No wonder everyone is confused and never on the same page!

Author's Note:
This post is not meant to be taken seriously nor as a declaration of anything of that sort.

32 and 1 more

I am 32 years and 51 weeks old… Every year, I make it a point to sit down and reflect by myself on the year past. And with 7 days left to go, I suppose I should not put it off much longer. Seeing how I have just celebrated my birthday in advance in a very impromptu fashion and having a very expensive 4 shots of premium coffee liqueur tequila traversing thru my system – what better time than now eh?

Patron XO Cafe (Coffee Liqueuer with Tequila)

I don’t have to go thru my blog to recall what it was I thought of the Year that was 31. I can still remember that on a whole lot of achievements and one big disappointment. In a way, one could say I had almost everything a year ago – a good tight circle of friends, great colleagues, and a job I adored and immensely enjoyed, but I was not happy (tho for the life of me now I cannot recall what the ONE BIG DISAPPOINTMENT IS!!)

In comparison, this year – this year appears to be the reverse - not a whole lot of achievements and seemingly, nothing but disappointments. I mean, I don’t see as much of some of my close friends as I used to do. Some days, I don’t particularly feel excited about going to work. Plus, 3 years on I still unlock the front door and the only sound is the sound of me taking off my shoes by the foyer shelf.

Yet, it doesn’t quite bother me as much as it used to. So it must be this (and it’s not the tequila talking) – I am contented.

I wake up each day and wonder what surprises the day would bring. And I’m beginning to find joy in the little things like teaching my kids the word “apocalypse” and its meaning (a big disaster that could bring the world to an end where everybody dies!). I don’t go without dinner, even if it’s just a piece of toast and a glass of chocolate milk just cos there’s no one to eat with me. And when I lay my head down on my pillow to sleep each night, it’s with a smile on my face cos it was a good day.

I used to think that we should not jinx the flow of good fortune by pondering on it. But now I count each day as a blessing – that I had a genuine reason to smile, laugh and walk with a spring in my step.

I have a feeling it’s gonna be a thrilling year – being 33. It may not be all good days, and as life goes – there’s bound to be instances where the phrase “it’s my heart, my liver and my sanity” would be uttered at least once. But for once, I am pretty sure that I will walk out of whatever challenges that come my way this year, with my head held high and my soul still intact.

If you were to ask my mum tonight if she thought I was happy – I can bet you my bottom dollar that she would say yes. Cos she’s not seen the ME that I have been off-late in a very long while.

The best bit of it would be - It’s got nothing to do with a boy. But everything to do with me being ME.

Miss-Medication

I am feeling so whoozy, it's not funny.

Not So Blue

Ohmygosh... what a crazy morning this has been! Been fiddling with staplers, staples, photocopiers, doorbell and telephones! Yes - am the only one in the office today and it's been exciting, juggling all the above so that the needful can be done before my colleagues over on the other side of the world clocks in.

I must say, even though I have managed only 1 ciggie break since coming in at 9, it does not show any potential of reaching the dizzing heights I have been used to. As one of my boys used to say when things got crazy back then - Sampai s'pender pun basah! Was just thinking to myself as I took my drag of fag about an hour ago, my hair is still in place, despite all that jazz!

But it does feel good to be productive (for once in a long time!!) and I have 3 lil bits of paper sitting on my desk that needs to be address - which would make today, THE MOST PRODUCTIVE DAY I have had since joining 6 weeks ago!!! *Dance of Joy*

Yeah, it's about time anyways - to get into the groove, not just at work but overall. Imagine - I actually spent an hour at the gym last night! And if you're thinking that THAT was compensating for something else - you're right, I shall not argue with you on that point.

But I think I'm alright... sure, there's a bit of a void but it's not the end of the world. Afterall, if I asked to learn how to let go of fears, I need opportunities to be present where I can be fearless!

So yeah - Monday's not around but it's not making me so blue...

Failure to Launch

im·ple·ment ~ verb (used with object)

1. To fulfill; perform; carry out
2. To put into effect according to or by means of a definite plan or procedure.

Anyways, as I said in a quick post while having my late first fag of day, I only manage to sleep at 4 this morning. What was I doing from the time I turned off the lights at half 11 till then? Well... there was a bit of pottering around the house.. there was a spot of reading (how I have missed reading Bill Bryson!!) ... there was some staring up at the ceiling fan and planning ... and then there was a whole lot of thinking while playing high stakes computer poker.

In the span of some 4 1/2 hours, I must say, I came up with this brilliant scenario of What-if. And in my head, it was pretty much foul-proof. It had all the right elements - what I would do if this happens, and what I would do if that happened. I kinda went to bed, pretty smug that I had it all planned out.

I will always remember at my farewell dinner, my ex-boss paid me a compliment when he mentioned that his friends felt our outlets were paper transformed ~ i.e. I had successfully taken what was on paper and materialised it. I had implemented it as closely as I could and that was the end result.

So here I am, this gloomy London-skied morning, wondering HOW ON EARTH COULD I HAVE SCREWED UP SO BADLY AN HOUR AGO?! Especially when I had the what-ifs drawn up!!!

It's not even a poor attempt with lots of erms-and-haws! It was a complete failure to launch! A complete failure of implementation! Now we have to find a way to bin the plan away so that I can sleep tonight!

I'm so lame!

No Can Do

It's a tad bit ridiculous that I fall asleep only at 4a.m. and wake up late for work. I look like a freaking panda! This can't keep up. I NEED MY SLEEP!

Happy Feats

It’s Friday already and this week has been a great week.

Had a fantastic dinner outing with old friends last night, despite me being smugly sitting in front of the wrong hotel for 10 minutes and subsequently getting lost (again!) in pursuit of the right hotel.

There’s something about being around familiar people – makes you realize how much times have changed and how much you have changed. I don’t think we had that much fun when we were 16 as we do these days. Thoughts are more coherent, opinions more pointed – the elements of good conversation and a great laugh or two or three even!

hap·py ~ adjective

1. Delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing
2. Characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy
3. Favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky
4. Apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.

I was asked (or rather interrogated) on the above subject matter. Then I had to defend to death my justification for my answer. Which is kinda ridiculous cos “happy” is an emotion – something has to happen for you to feel happy. And thus, being with old friends – the planning, the looking forward and the event itself – of course I was happy. And the thing with “happy” is this – you can never get enough of it. One could be happy now, and happier still IF …

We don't say “when” because there's something
About the possibility, of “more”.
More tequila, more love, more anything.
More is better.

This was where the question then switched to if I was contented. And again I had to defend my answer to death.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I love these 2 people to bits, and as they rightfully said – they only have my best interests at heart. They would be the only people who would sit and ponder as to why the great Barbsie cave-in took place only 3 years delayed. And I am grateful for reconnecting with them once again.

But in the last month, I’ve come to realize that life does not revolve around one activity (work!) or one person (let’s not mention names). As a wise man said on his recent blog ~ it is about being close enough to touch but far enough to grow. And so, I should not let any of these single factors determine if I am contented or not.

It is a package thing – the sum of pleasure I derive from all my activities, and the presence of all the people in my life. Hence, don’t find it so hard to believe that I am contented as well as happy.

Maybe being grateful means
Recognizing what you have
For what it is.

And so, it’s been a great week not only cos of Monday, but cos of all the good people and good things that has taken place this week – Including dinner with the both of them at Ah Ping’s!

Screwing Up Parenting

er·go·nom·ics ~ noun

• The applied science of equipment design, as for the workplace, intended to maximize productivity by reducing operator fatigue and discomfort. Also called biotechnology, human engineering, human factors engineering.

I was looking thru my daughter's mid-term test papers yesterday evening. She's done pretty well this term - marked improvement in all papers except for the Chinese Language and Art, where the latter came as a surprise - she's gifted in that area. But well, seeing how she chose to do a collage instead of a drawing, a B is good enough for mum.

Anyways, as I was saying - I was going thru her test papers and imagine my surprise when I note one section of the Computing paper. She had to fill in the blanked out spaces of 8 sentences with words from a box. And one of the words listed was Ergonomics.

I sat, bolted upright from a reclining position on the couch cos she's like 7, in Primary 1 and I was blown away that she was taught such a big word (4 syllables mind you!). So I asked her how did she learn this word and if she could tell me what it meant. She said that she didn't know. But here's the catch - she used it in the right sentence!

I had to get to the bottom of it - did innie-minnie-mini-mo work? Or did she know the meaning of it but was too shy to let on?! Persistence is a trait that every parent must have - it comes when you fill your name in the space on the birth cert. And so I did not let it go.

Long story short - apparently, she really didn't know what ergonomics meant and no, she didn't resort to IMMM guesswork. Rather, she noted that the blank space was at the start of the sentence, and ergonomics was the only word in the list that started with a capital letter. Putting two-and-two together - she reckon she couldn't go wrong.

Now, while I am amazed at her rationale and logical line of thought, it does concern me. I mean - unless you're in the field of ID or reads a lot, you'd probably won't know what ergonomics mean. I only learnt it myself some years back when I was involved in the office re-dec exercise and had to select proper chairs. And Primary 1 students are expected to know this?

Looking ahead, if her vocabulary grows at this pace, talking to her about the birds and the bees a couple of years from now is gonna be hell! If only the Education Board realises that as well!

Join Me?

I was wondering what I wanted to do for my birthday this year. And I wanted it to be something special, meaningful cos I truly feel very blessed in so many ways.

It's been a long while since I threw a birthday bash for myself - the last being 31 at Ivy's (and yes, Sen says there are pictures of it floating somewhere in someone's phone still). But I was thinking - do I really wanna grab a bunch of people and get everyone wasted on booze?

And so as I was driving in to work this morning, thinking about a conversation Monday and I had yesterday about 1) Second Harvest, 2) Corporate Social Responsibility and 3) my B&B plans moving ahead, it struck me that I didn't have to wait till item (3) to materialise before I do (1) via (2).

I'm not a wealthy person, in terms of possession and bank balances. But I believe I am wealthy in other areas. And so, this year, as I turn 33, I plan to share the special day with people that I don't know. The nameless, the faceless, the homeless.

I would like to prepare x-number of meals and drop them off to the streets where it would fill the tummies of a stranger for at least a few hours. It doesn't matter what their backgrounds are - drug addicts, beggars, mentally-ill, etc. They may have opportunities to come into contact with some form of money that could tie them thru the day but be mis-using them - that's not my business.

It may be a one-off (for now) but I believe - all we need is that ONE touch, ONE exchange. I might not change the course of their lives after that, but I'd like to think that I would have made their day somehow for a brief spell.

I haven't quite figured out the logistics of how I want to achieve this yet. Gotta think it over a bit more, talk to a few people and see if they are willing to come on board with me. But here's my invite to my birthday bash this year - my kitchen, my house. There would likely be some chatter, lots of laugh, a bit of chow and a how lot of goodwill being packed up and delivered.

Lemme know if you're joining me in on this.

Wait

wait ~ verb

1. To remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens
2. To be available or in readiness
3. To look forward to eagerly

The sun is setting and I have had THE MOST enjoyable day off. I cannot for the life of me recall another day off that I had in years that was as good as today. Yes, took the day off cos if I didn’t, I’d be saddled with a whole load to clear when the time comes - 22 1/2 days to be precise. And mind you, vacation days are a concept that is new to me – the same person who goes back to work even though she’s on break, so I had better get a head start with a day off here and there.

Gave my house a nice, thorough clean – not an inch was left unturned, undusted and unmopped! It was long overdue seeing how Lydia’s dust allergy is getting worse by the day, and my own as well. So between putting aside some physical work and an hour or two of my time versus an escalating doctor’s bill – there was only wise choice to be made.

Chilled out with Pups this morning over a leisurely brunch at the neighbourhood Starbucks. It was good to catch up with him. Got to say a texted Hi to Nat, learnt what a reel and sausage was in a diver’s term (apparently there’s a bagel in there somewhere too!) and got me self a new cuddly friend in the form of a beady-eyed turtle, who will stare at me from the top of my bed, as a birthday present.

Had a surprise today though. As when I say surprise – I really mean surprise. Just spent the afternoon with Monday who played hooky when he heard I was on leave. I guess after 3 weeks of not seeing him, I was kinda expecting him to cash in on yet another rain-check this evening, particularly when he had a con-call at 7. So for him to walk out of the office and come hang out with me – it’s well and truly a surprise.

Author’s note:
I know a number of ya would be shaking your heads going “It’s about bloody time!” but hey – let’s not judge kays? Like I’ve said before – give people the opportunity to surprise you, and they might just take your breath away. And frankly, I don't think I've been big on the giving side - of opportunities, that is.

I’m also mighty pleased to note that pressie was a hit – a BIG HIT! I don’t think there’s another superhero out there today who is more pleased and surprised with my selection. So all that mall-cruising for the darn shop, the foul-up of the alteration shop and the 2 weeks of not looking under my table cloth – well worth it! Good thing too that I thought ahead of where said t-shirt is gonna be end up used for and had the sleeves taken off - it's precise what's gonna be done.

As Monday trots off to save the world, one investor at a time and Barbsie floats back down to earth, I cannot help but think about last night ~ when I sat down before turning in, thinking about what Buds said and jotted down in all honesty what I was suppose to think about.

Some things and some people are worth the wait. Today is a fine example of them. If I had caved and followed through with any one of my broken behaviors like I used to, today wouldn’t be the great day that it is. I have gone 3 weeks without a drop of alcohol consumed in the house (really big achievement there!) and not done a thing that would cause me to wanna systematically break things in angst. I sat, I did my own thing in the meantime and I have today to account for it.

So as I say goodnight, be glad to know that Barbsie is all good… … very happy… and at peace.

Buds-wiser..MD?

I once wrote about an old friend of mine whom I was really close with when I was 16 – half a lifetime away. We’ve recently caught up with each other and in the space of the few months; I think we’ve found our rhythm again. Just spent the last hour on the phone with him (and I think we’ll call him Buds). I so would like to say it was just like before but it’s not. We’ve each evolved and become grownups. Needless to say, the things we talk about are no longer surrounding school, friends, etc but more towards ourselves.

He’s in town for the week and we’re catching up over dinner on Thursday with another old friend. He’s been kept abreast during the Barbsie Loaded week and the whole Monday thingy. But yet, while we’re meeting up in a few days, he thought it necessary to ring this evening and ask if I’m alright, if I’m happy. And how he thinks this whole FB thingy is just an utter load of BS.

I’m reveling in the joy of having a buddy who knows me so long and so well that he can ring and instead of saying “Hi, how are you?”, go straight into a “So tell me about what’s going on there?!” You have no idea how comforting that feels – especially as I reflect on the year past and the year forward. Add to that, the untimely realisation that it appears to be much more convenient to “catch up” on Barbsie by reading my blog, rather than picking up the phone to ring me, or using the time to drop me an email.

Author’s note:
I know time is very precious these days when turmoil and uncertainty reigns – but still?! Doesn’t quite make sense to me!

In line with this fact that Barbsie actually spent an hour on the phone, talking to someone on things not related with work, I cannot help but recall what I read on Yahoo today ~ a concept of communication called “Tennis” – you serve the ball, and wait for the serve to be returned.

It’s supposed to create an atmosphere of healthy communication – no one person dominates the flow and you return the play based on the move of the opponent. I have to say, this concept fascinates me quite a bit! Imagine – likening something that can be quite personal to a game! Maybe it fascinates me cos once again, I am learning to communicate – to speak, to listen. A bit hard to imagine, I know. But as most of my friends would say – I can talk about everything under the sun but never about myself. I’m a good orator but a lousy communicator.

Now having had some time to think about this concept, I must say, it is quite true. You can go into a game with a set of strategies but sometimes, all strategies can go out the window as well. How well the game turns out then moves towards how adaptable you are in changing and adjusting.

I’m not very good with change. I hate change, and in line with that - I love chaos cos chaos allows me to exact the actions needed to maintain status quo. And in the last month and a half, I have been deprived of chaos. Overtime, I have become a wee bit more flexible at adapting, but overall, it still resides in my nature to abhor change.

Author’s note:
Maybe that’s why I’m so bad at tennis cos I tend to be a baseline player, refusing to chase after the ball, no matter what.

The year of 32 appears to be nothing but a series of changes, which I agree are needful and necessary. A lot of people have come and gone in my life in the last year. If I had to name another year that was this momentous in featuring people, I can’t. Some relationships were re-established, like with Mandy moving back into town, with this dude that I spoke about above. Some relationships stabilized, like with Pups (and Nat) and with Bear. Some relationships evolved from one form to another with Garlic (who now wants to be known as Ballz here) and Whites, from colleagues to friends – good friends at that. And some relationships were formed in ways that took my breath away cos I had it lodged good in my head that we don’t make new bonds at our age that are strong from the onset.

Anyways, I have been tasked by Buds to go do something - some thinking to be precise (yes, I know – me being asked to THINK!!) and I’m suppose to update him on Thursday on what I’ve thought out. And I’m supposed to think like a real person, be honest-like and really think about that which I want. Even hand over the key-card and keys, if I thought that was what I wanted to do.

Author’s note:
I WON’T cos while it might save me a thump on the head from Buds, I’ll be thrashed and put in a bag by Ballz, Whites and Mandy. But more importantly it won't happen cos neither the giver nor recipient is ready for that! And once the card is given out, getting it back is gonna be a bitch from hell to do!

I suppose it’s ironic that Buds and I just had that conversation and for me to be having this other conversation right now with Monday. (Seeing how it’s Monday and I’m writing a blog, the conversation with Monday is not remotely even close to bunnies of any kind.) And today he got the brunt of the rain-checks cashed in, which is a first cos Barbsie has been nothing less than a nice, sweet, accommodating doll thus far – not the hell-raising witch that you know her primarily to be.

And that’s what the conversation is about – not the witch part (I did apologise for that), but the part of understanding that at this point in time, work takes priority over plans and self. And THAT we can do cos we’ve been there before – we know what it’s like. And I’m doing it the tennis way – throw a ball across and see what comes back.

I have a series of set-plays that I have been using (I’m so tempted to say my whole life)… but you know what – if they didn’t work before, why should I hang on to them? Why am I not trying out a new series of play? Cos the old strategy sure didn’t help put me where I am right now on that note and where I would like to be (which in itself is a darn good question of where!)

Buds thinks that since I screwed it up on the on-set, I should fix it if I want it. As he says – you win some, and you lose some but you don’t go anywhere by not trying. While I’m not sure what I want, I do know what I don’t want. Glass half full is better than glass half empty. And in line with half full - as I think to the year ahead (which is 17 days away *hint* *hint*), I think that’s what I wanna do for the year – give LIFE a try.

It might just surprise me, like it is now.

Beary Bother

It has been somewhat of a relaxing week - at work, at home and in my head. But yet, something's been missing, and missing for a good long while now.

I know - doesn't mean that I don't have my day jammed packed, everyone else is sitting and twiddling thumbs as well. And while I have filled my week with things to do, people to hang out with, I cannot help but truly acknowledge that the presence of a certain someone has been greatly missed.

It's becoming a Beary spot of bother. And though this week, the calendar after 5 looks to be packed yet again (Tuesday with the kids, Wednesday a visit to Ian's new house, Thursday dinner with old pals and Friday with the kids again) - I do wish my beary friend had time to squeeze me in somewhere somehow.

It's been far too long Bear, don't you think, since we had tea or foodie under a tree?

A Price For Everything

I learnt today that you could earn between RM 3 to 5 grand for every young person you convert to a particular Christian sect.

Needless to say, I'm aghast by the intel. I mean, here we have Christians who are less-than, and there's money to be made in making more of them?! I always knew there's a price for everything and everyone but THIS takes the cake.

Talk about selling your soul to the Devil!

So-not Barbsie

Just sent my brother and dad this text message: "Guess who signed up as a volunteer for Assumption Church's Golden Jubilee Celebration :o)" Ironically, both replies came back with a "ha ha" at the end of it.

Now, don't get them wrong - it's not a laughing matter. It's just funny when you associate Barbsie with Church work. I mean, that was like so 16 years ago!

But nonetheless, it is the truth *grin* Heard it at service on Sunday and for once, I did something about it *lol* (Yes, there have been times when I thought about it but never got down to action).

I guess, with time on my side now, I can indeed go ahead and do stuff like that. Well, at least I'm putting my experiences, knowledge and skillsets to good use, other than watch DVDs. Plus, I'm certain the experience will put for good blogging material *wink*

It's rather nice actually - to do the things that Barbsie doesn't normally do. It's actually making me having the shits and giggles all to myself :o)

Moment of Truth?

truth ~ noun

1. The true or actual state of a matter
2. Conformity with fact or reality; verity: the truth of a statement.
3. A verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like
4. The state or character of being true.
5. Actuality or actual existence.
6. An obvious or accepted fact; truism; platitude.
7. Honesty; integrity; truthfulness.
8. Accuracy, as of position or adjustment.

Reality TV is going way over the top. And the one that’s got me whopping mad is The Moment of Truth, hosted by Mark Wahlberg. Google it and you’ll find a whole load of write ups about it. But essentially, contestants are asked a series of questions prior to the actual show, hooked up to a polygraph.

According to Wiki: Without knowing the results of the polygraph, he or she is asked 21 of those same questions again on the program, each becoming progressively more personal in nature. If the contestant answers honestly, according to the polygraph results, he or she moves on to the next question; however, should a contestant lie in his or her answer (as determined by the polygraph) or simply refuse to answer a question after it has been asked, the game ends.

Now mind you, this being reality TV – there’s money involved. Great huge sums of money too! 6 levels of questioning, starting from USD 10,000 and culminating (if you’ve cleared the 1st 20 questions) at Question 21 with USD 500,000.

You’ve probably seen the ads on the telly – the sobbing mum, the devastated husband, etc as the contestant chooses between honesty and dishonesty. But wait - the pain from the honesty could be seriously cushioned by the comforts of having half a million buckeroos.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for honesty and telling the truth. But there’s a time and place for it – behind closed doors. And it should come from motivations other than that of being paid to tell the truth. In front of international syndicated television, is definitely not the time and place to tell your hubby that you slept with someone else after you married him, or to let your mum in on the fact that you use drugs. No matter how much money you stand to win. But then again – half a million dollars - that ought to buy a lot of therapy sessions.

We must be a sick lot of society if watching people air their dirty laundry is fascinating.

Sex in the City

I decided yesterday that after missing 3 cars on the road, due to my own neglect, nothing could really go wrong with the day. No – I didn’t see no peeky-pok-cutes in the trees enroute to Banting (which is past the airport by the way). And so it was a day of almost kicking back and taking it easy.

~**~

Did my 1st proper enquiries session and 3 hours later, with aching feet - I’m glad to report that Barbsie is back in the saddle again. It wasn’t all that stressful as the kids I met yesterday are all scholars, bound for Ireland as it is. And so, it was more of telling the kids what to go out and expect. Some of them were focused and all out there. But some were well and truly lost. And I couldn’t help thinking that this is the crème de la crème!

I knew I was in like Flint with the group cos they kept asking if I had an email address they could write me at, or if they could have my business card. AND the funniest bit would have to be how most of them looked at our company name and jumped to the conclusion that I was the unis’ rep FROM Ireland! *lol* When I said I was from JB, Johor – their jaws dropped. I dunno what was so “Irish” about me but they kept going on that I didn’t speak like a Malaysian. *lol*

~**~

I finally watched Sex in the City – The moofey on DVD.

A fictional tale of 4 women, each successful in their own right, living up the high lives in New York City.

I’ve never been a fan of the series – can’t really remember ever sitting thru one full episode either ~ I’m quite the loyalist when it comes to being a series-addict. There’s only so much space for one female character and it’s been Meredith Grey all this while. Yet last night I watched the whole movie version of it mesmorised.

I can more or less identify why people all over the world, for a great many years, stayed glued week after week. Afterall, Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha live the lives that every girl aspires to live – independent, successful, beautiful and confident. Make it all happen in New York and that’s a double whammy. And the icing on that cake would be the friendship and love of good friends.

A sidetrack - New York is one big fascination of mine – the buzz, the lights, and the endless motion. I have been told by Monday who lived and worked there for a year, that it’s not all as great as it’s painted to be. But then again, Monday is the kind of guy who wants more out of life than just slaving away.

Anyways, while the hype on the movie was quite about the fashion, I thoroughly enjoyed the camaraderie the ladies had. I could only wish I had a circle of friends like they do. Though, if I really think about it – I do. We might not hang out everyday like these ladies do, but they are there.

~**~

I have been thinking a lot lately about my circle of friends and I realize that I have been too hard on them as well. I’ve not been adaptive enough or humble enough. And if I allowed them, they will surprise me in their own way.

But anyways, tonight – I’ll be having my own sex in the city (shame on you if you’re thinking of something else that involves creaking bed springs!!!) Tonight, we will form a circle at a table somewhere, to usher in a new year for one of us.

Cos that’s what friends do – they sit with you at the curbside when your world falls down, they dish out advice to you, saying the things you don’t wanna hear cos if they don’t, no one else will, and they come together to toast the day that you were born. For without it – you wouldn’t be here today to share a laugh, a tear, a cuppa teh tarik and some recipes with.

So here's an early toast - Happy birthday GarlicBoy! May this year bring you the things that you seek! *Ahem* AND lotsa sex in THIS city *grin* Have a good one Ballz!

And the Aussies Say...

I nearly crashed my car this morning heading towards Jalan Tun Razak. It's the bit where we downers take the left turn and have to swirl our way into the crawl heading up the flyover.

As a creature of habit, I have been taking this way in to work for.. oh, a little coming to 5 years now. Yes - my last 2 jobs were all around this area. And as such, I have developed a talent for spotting the driver who is going to be slow getting their foot off the brake pedal and surge forward, creating that wee bit of space for the WiNK Mobile to inch in.

And so, it's flabbergasting that I nearly crashed into a bike, a lorry and a car all at the same time (if it did happen lah). Not only that (swear you'd never repeat this bit!), I patiently waited in line for about 30 seconds, till I was pretty sure the driver next door was gonna let me in without a fight.

But rewind and back up a bit. This post is not really about how I nearly rammed into 3 other persons on the road.

This post is really about how I woke up this morning, went onto my balcony, looked up into the sky, took a deep breath and was thankful I was alive, with my first fag of the day in hand.

And as I was thinking that (again!) it's great to be alive on this gorgeous day, fighting for my spot among the multitudes going in for yet another workday, I got a surprise ding-dong on my phone that really, well and truly came out of the blue!

Despite the fact that the ding-dong nearly resulted in a crawl that would have clogged up Jalan Kuching till 10 this morning, funnily enough, my thoughts are not entirely focussed on the message sender. Well, it is - a wee bit.

But more importantly, it's centred on these words that were told to me - Let go and you'll find that everything will fall in place.

I'm off to a busy day in a lil place called Banting for today. And as I sign off, I hope you've the lesson from this: Never look at your phone messages while driving, unless you're pretty sure it's 1) your boss from work or 2) your best mate. Anyone else might be hazzardous!

G'day y'all, as the Aussies would say. Maybe I'll see some peeky-pok-cutes (aka koala bears) enroute to Banting!

Shine

The day has ended. I left the office drained from fighting my ownself.

You, you’re such a bit star to me
You’re everything I wanna be
But you’re stuck in a hole
And I want you to get out
I don’t know what there is to see
But I know it’s time for you to leave
We’re all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out
All your anticipation pulls you down
When you can have it all

But that's all gone now, not cos it's Monday. On the contrary instead.

Stop being so hard on yourself
It’s not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good
And you might want to smile
Don’t let your demons pull you down
Cause you can have it all

I wish I could note down this epiphany, put it in words. All I can say is this - when we speak, and is listened in earnest, we'll get the answers we seek.

So come on, get it on
Don’t know what you’re waiting for
Your time is coming
Don’t be late
See the light on your face
Let it shine!

It's not listening closely. You just have clear ya mind and it'll be so clear in front of you, it'll leave you in a state of awe!

Let me know you
Let me show you
Let me love you
You’re all that matters to me

Shine
Take That

A Plan-less Day?

Almost half the day is gone. I have done some work – or what work that is available. But truly, the mind is not here at this desk today.

I woke up this morning, feeling upbeat and on the right side of life. Yes, it is a daunting day but I was not going to go into it with a feeling of dread. I was going to liberate in the freedom of being honest. I was going to take a risk and take the outcome as it comes.

On the drive in, I could even sing along to the radio. And I took a moment to feel the warmth of the sun on my face as I drove alongside strangers in cars, thinking to myself – why do you look so harassed when it’s only Monday?

How did in a span of 2 hours all those sentiments of peace, serenity dissipate? I have been telling myself inside my head, regardless of what happens – I do today as a plan-less day. If so, then why do I feel an invisible vice tightening its grip around my heart? Why am I thinking of "what ifs?”

Save me a place, down in your heart.
But don’t let the road, take you too far from me.
And late in the daylight,
Turn your head slowly, turn it away.
Call me when you need me
but please believe me...

A big part of me wants to scream and turn back. Make a stand – THIS IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA. I can do many other things but I cannot do this – be plan-less and surrender. My brother told me to go read today’s Word of God. I did. And what struck me was the contemplation note that I’m not alone and this fear is not felt by me only.

And if you get lonely, part of the time.
If you start losing, part of your mind.
Down in a mystery, you live and you learn.
You breaking so easy, everywhere you turn.
Come on and call me when you need me
But please believe me...

Why then do I feel so alone, so abandoned, not just by one person but by everybody else? Why do I feel that I'm speaking English but everyone I talk to only understands Greek? Have I been talking to the wrong people?

The silence is so deafening. You have no idea how crazy it's making me!

Because I came around for everything I never told ya.
How could I know that you were leaving?
These days are falling out,
I’m stuck inside my self and I can’t see it,
But I believe it.

I don't ask for much... for today... Besides, I feel so fragile, I don't think I can do more than a pat on the head and a smile.

Believe me that you’re standing
On the edge of something good.
And it’s the hardest thing you ever had to do.
Truth be told your begging on your knees
Singing please don’t let it
Please don’t let it

Please don't let it be
The Alternate Routes

Author's Note:
I'm not even going to think I can engineer today so that I can get even that!

The S-word

I can hardly believe that it’s already Monday morning.Where did the last 48 hours go to? Someone once told me, that as we grow older, and the world shrinks, what we achieve in a year is equivalent to what used to be achieved in three. Looking back at this weekend, it sure feels that the statement is true.

I have been posting a number of short “notes” to my blog in the last few hours. All thanks to this lil tool I downloaded to my phone called Opera Mini. With it, I am able to check to see if I’m a multi-millionaire while waiting for my laundry to dry. With it, I am able to formulate my thoughts in a structured manner and expunge them to a virtual box so they don’t clog up my brain. With it, I am able to immortalize snippets of insights that my kids give me, providing proof that they are my equals in thinking, if not in size.

Overall, it’s been a quiet weekend, doing things around the house though looking at my study room right now – there’s still a tonne more to be done!! I also caved and brought a desktop back from my folks’ place so that I have a proper computer to do stuff off. Like I told Garlic, kick me in the head and call me Byte-Addict.

It’s also a weekend of deep self-reflection. I know, I know… I really shouldn’t be thinking cos I’ve done it way too much already. But it has to be done cos right now, I feel like I have no idea where I am heading, how I’m gonna get past from one day to the next, yet I am to stay on this course and not sway from it.

I came across this blog the other day in the office. It’s by this chap who wrote a book called The Principles. And apparently, if you apply these principles of living, everything would be smooth sailing. And the one principle he keeps coming back to is to “surrendering to a higher power”, which would be God, if you believe in Him.

Now, for someone who lives in black or white, surrender is not a word that exists in my extensive vocabulary. I told Bear and my brother last week that I have been the Rainmaker – I make things happen, I bring order to chaos, I put out the fires that others start. Which is probably why Al has me described as Orchestrator on his blog-link!

I do not go into a task without seeking out all its parameters. I do not play a game unless I understand all the rules. I do not fight a war or join a cause if I am not at least 75% confident of my strategies and tactics. And if I am less than confident, I walk away from it, regardless of the cost or casualty.

How can I then let someone else be my Rainmaker?! It is not a possible thing to accomplish, particular when it asks of me to live in the grey, to put my trust in a plan much bigger than my own and have faith.

But apparently this is the lesson I have to learn at 33 ~ To do more than just say I have faith in God and that He will lead me on to the path He has intended for me. It looks like it’s crunch time between the Man and I – lip-service is no longer sufficient. And in doing so, I must face my greatest personal hurdle – that of living in the grey, not expecting a certain outcome that I have formulated in my head.

I would like very much to believe that at the end of this journey, I will come out a better, more wholesome person. Lord only knows (pun unintended) how scarred and damage I am. I mean, if Mandy can ask me a question like “Are you pro-longing it cos you enjoy the suspense?” something must be seriously wrong with the ME that I AM! Cos this girl has credibility in knowing me, how I work, how I think. (For the record girl – I was not!!)

And so at church yesterday, I prayed, really prayed. Prayed not so much for guidance, but for strength to surrender. There may be things that I want to do this week, but I think currently, my interpretation of how I should be, is to go into these situations with an open-mind.

I have much to learn about living. I feel like I have been asleep. Do you see that? Do you realize that? Cos you should, then maybe you can cut me some slack. Things that are common to you and the person next to you, feels so foreign to me. From talking to someone about what and how I feel, to picking up the phone and dialing, to breathing. All these things are foreign to me even though once upon a time, I probably did do them.

Before I sign off this proper post, I have to say this - don’t be confused as there is difference between this S-word and Hope (lest you think I’m living in denial yet again!). To surrender is to entrust on to someone or something other than myself, without thinking of the end or the outcome. To hope is to believe in the positive end or outcome. One is about the path itself and the other is the destination.

I wrote yesterday before Mass that far from here (which is a song from the season finale of Army Wives that have stuck in my head), is a Barbsie that is an open book, with its ending waiting to be written.

Enjoying and being in the journey - this is the first step.

The Young & Fearless

My kids and I are waiting in line to get the car washed. It's one of Luke's fascination cos he dreams of owning one someday.

He's been counting each one we've passed so he'd know what the competition is. And he's just told me to observe how the men do it - so we'd know how to do it right. It's his dream. If only his mum had half his courage and spirit.

I hope his fire never goes out ... not even wif big buckets of water and endless washing.

Far From Here ...

Is a Barbsie who is happy at her Sunday breakfast.

Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it
Bite down and then pray,
You'll make it through this
To sing and say you hold life dear

She has some of the things she wants, and is alright for not having the others. She's planning out her week, what she'll do at work, for Garlic's birthday, for going to watch The Dark Knight wif her friends, for the friends she'll catch up wif on phone and in person.

Rise high out of this whole scene

Look down and separate yourself

From your worst dream

Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay

Out of the way until the coast

Is clear and safe

She has no ghosts and her life is a book wif an open ending, waiting to be written.

Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?

Moments turn to hours that become years... And now I'm
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Far from here ... but I'll get there this year.

Far From Here
Alissa Moreno

Where ...

The weekend is coming to an end. I have 1 less thing to plague my mind. It's a relief. It was a place I didn't wanna go back to. I'd probably lose all my soul if I had to.

I woke up this morn wishing an old buddy of mine lived in the same town as I do. That way, I could call him and he could come sit wif me. Except this time round, we'd be all grown up and loading up on fags and alcohol as we watch my world fall apart again.

The Time Has Come ...

I've taken decisions harder than this. I've accomplished things tougher than this.

It's not what I want, but I've never looked after my own self before this either. I deserve better than this. More than this. It's gonna be bad. BUT Barbsie will be fine. At least, she won't be hanging like a yo-yo at the end of a string anymore.

Life will be black or white again. She'll be able to vegetate in front of the telly on Mondays! Woo-hoo!

Cold Play

The mind plays tricks on us at times like this.
It has to. We need it to.
It's how we're able to power on
And do what needs to be done.
Even something as mundane as doing the dishes

that are piling up in the sink,
or going out, getting up and doing

what needs to be done for your loved ones.

I cannot hold my breath while I sit and wait. I'd probably turn blue. And a part of me says that it would be ridiculous for the world to stop turning, my weekend becoming a ruined one... Just.Because.

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side?
That you don't want me there in your life?

I'm trying to keep up my optimism - trying to keep up being bright and shiny. I know one part of me is being downright silly. And the other is being downright realistic.

Every step that I take
Could be my biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that I take

Whatever the action... Whatever the reaction... You know I'll still be standing, at the end of the day...

The future doesn't stop.

What If
Coldplay

Off the Couch Allez!

I'm not sure if I'm having the onsets of a migraine or a baby-hangover if there is ever such a thing! I'd like to think it's the former cos if it was the latter, I'm gonna be kind stumped cos I only had 4 watered down vodka redbulls at Raw.. and WHAT IS 4 vodkas for Barbsie eh?!

Nonetheless, what was intended to be a quiet outing to the neighbourhood mamak with Garlic, turned out to be another mid-week-party-like-a-rockstar outing with Garlic and Whites.

You've gotta hand it to Whites for sussing out the on-goings in this city that he doesn't quite belong to. And you've gotta hand it to Garlic for knowing the right people who gets you into private parties and such.

But these days (or nights!) are gonna be winding down pretty soon as Whites head on back to the mountains (pronounced mont-tanes) that he hails from. *Sob* *Sob* *Sniff* *Sniff* .... I sure am gonna miss that dude!

And finally, here's a picture of my 2 dudes... who is who - I'll leave it to ya to figure out *grin*

I have to say, despite the 1 dwarf thumping away in my head right now, I can't think of a better way to end the month of July and mark the month of August! It was about time someone told me to Get Me Butt Off The Couch! Allez!