Not Growing Up

My lil girl grabbed my arm in church today and whispered in my ear with a solemn look: Mummy - I don't want to grow up. Cos I always want to be ME. And if I grew up, I'd have to die.

Caught off-guard, I could only hug her and tell her that she'll live to a ripe-old-age.

Now that I have some time to myself, I can't help but wonder if 1) she's trying to tell me something, about school or her friends... and 2) a young child coming only to 7 years of age, is able to see that grown ups are not quite themselves.

It would be really sad if she is able to see thru all the masks we wear and it was the latter that she was trying to tell me.

Innocently..

In the beginning... it was just 2 koalas sitting under a fake coconut tree...

And then... it being a cool Saturday afternoon... things got funky.. REALLY FUNKY!!

I swear - the whole time, I was behind the camera and had nothing to do with it!

A Lil Word...

Think

~ verb (used without object)

1. To have a conscious mind, to some extent of reasoning, remembering experiences, making rational decisions, etc.
2. To employ one's mind rationally and objectively in evaluating or dealing with a given situation
3. To invent or conceive of something

~verb (used with object)

1. To have or form in the mind as an idea, conception, etc.
2. To consider for evaluation or for possible action upon
3. To analyze or evolve rationally: to think the problem out.

Sometimes, it's not so much the notion of whether someone can stop me from doing something or not. But rather, it is the notion that there is something to think about.

"I'll think about it"... simple words around the word THINK...

This is going to cause me so much grief for the week to come! Oh why can't life be simple?!

Light & Darkness

con·tent ~ adjective

• satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

Yes, I am definitely feeling that today. Can't really explain why. But it's one of those things that you just know it.

And hey - the phrase works.. the one that goes "Six months down the line, I'll be saying - Oh that lil thingy-ma-jig"...

It doesn't always have to be light or darkness. Greys can be good too!

Seeing Light

Tis not a known fact that every major decision in my life, I have left it to the will of God. Yeah - I am religious in that sense. From the choice of study, to which job to accept or reject, heck - right down to walking out with my two kids. But I have always left that praying bit to my dad and my brother, thinking that I was not worthy to hear the voice of God.

Today was quite the day I must say. Had my new contract negotiations meeting in the afternoon and well, it didn't go quite as I had planned it to go. In the words of the Bear - as soon as he saw my message on Stalker Dude being in the same Starbucks where my meeting was scheduled to be held - it was off to a rocky start.

For the next few hours, my mind was a blur, teetering between going forward and staying put. I even said this to Jay - I wish my boss would get rid of the Italian dude and put me in his place, which is a very, very nasty thing to say or do. And it was just wishful thinking on my part because 1) I'm not white, 2) I'm not qualifed and 3) I am not meant to stay on in this present job as indicated from Above.

I was so desperate for a way out that I told my dad - This is not the job to get rich on.. please pray for me again. Needless to say, Dad wasn't too happy with that remark.

Lost as I was, I headed out to church - seeing how today is Holy Thursday. And as I got there, I sat and I just said - Please God - show me the right thing to do. And HE did, in the following verse:

From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.
I have become like a portent to many,
but YOU are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your praise,
Declaring your splendor all day long.

Some of the reasons why I was so torn between staying or going would be 1) the pay isn't as great as I had wanted it to be, 2) my new boss made it very clear that it's a 9-to-5 job and there was no real necessity to work beyond that required, 3) I would be saddled with a lot of free time on my hands that I know not what to do with, and 4) which is last but not least - I'm not sure if I can heck the whole thing, i.e. running the show by myself.

But right now, all those reasons no longer stand as valid reasons for me to put the old slipper back on. For I think in the whole scheme of things in the last 4 years or so, I have been putting my heart and soul into building someone else's dream. Always standing in the wings, never on the stage itself. And at the risk of my own sanity, life and future.

Stepping out from Fairview to my current place, I now see, is my stepping stone onto this new job. To ease the way of coming out of my god-father's shadow, into something of my own against the likes of the corporate giants that I have been pitted up against. And NOW - it's time for me to come into my own. My very own.

And so the Lord has spoken. And I will listen. And my dad will sing the praises that his daughter is finally seeing light, on her own.

But you know what - I think thru it all, while I may be anchored the way I am anchored, the dried palm will still spontanouesly combust when I touch it *grin*

So yes - 3 months from now, it would be the start of yet another new chapter. Hopefully, this would be the last of it until I build my own dream of the B&B by the sea and in front of the hills of San Sebastian.

For me.. just this once

If you're reading this, know that you're privilleged to share in my joy of having landed a new position that I want, and can do well. It is a position with a very clear cut career path that would see me running the ship by 2010 - 2 years away. As the Bear says - it's my rocket to the moon.

I can't help but recall Pup's words in his blog. That people who blog are at most times, lonely, unhappy and needing to reach out. I have always said I blog cos I need to empty my head into what another friend calls my mental box. But this morning, when the sun should be shining god-damn-brightly for me, I have but to agree with Pups.

I should be jumping for joy. And everyone else who knows me and loves me, should be feeling the same joy for me. Lord knows the last one year has been absolute shite and the last few months have been nothing but hard-work, heartache and a whole lot of butt-shagging. But I am not.

I am sitting here, crying tears of disappointment cos the folks at home seem to be less than happy or estatic. I am deflated. I am disheartened. Again, I feel let-down.

I am thinking how I am going to go over in a while and sit and be non-chalant about it, when all I want to scream out is this:

Why can't you be proud of me and my achievements for once?! Is it so bloody hard? Don't you see how good I am at what I do? Why do strangers, absolute strangers see the value in me, but you who gave birth to me and brought me up, do not? What do I have to do to finally win your approval?!

For me.. just this once - give me some sign that you understand how hard I have to work each time, to hit the ground running.

For me.. just this once - acknowledge that I am not always the warrior by luck, but thru sheer grit and determination.

For me.. just this once - tell me that I do make you proud.

A time.. A place.. A spot..

There are very few blogs that I follow. And one of them is (was) Pups' Brainspillage.

It has been disappointingly quiet the last month or so. So much so, I stopped checking it for updates. It was just heartbreaking to see this dude not share his view of the world, with the rest of the world. So it is to my surprise to see new updates taking place again. Which.Is.Good.

In one of his new postings, he explained his absence. The reason he cited for not blogging, which I have heard before, is one that has left me in a bit of a twist. I have someone to talk to and share with at home. Funny how seeing something in print and hearing it draws two distinctly different emotions and reactions.

Whilst I am profoundly happy that he has found someone who loves him exactly the way he is... it's also left me sitting here wondering this - he blogged consistently while we were together. Does that mean....?

But you know what Pups - Barbsie ain't gonna ponder too much about that one. It's just a 10-second thingy. Cos such is life... there's a time, a place, a spot for everything and everyone.

So welcome back fellow tipperty-tapperty-typer! Looking forward to your regaling tales of cats from the neighbourhood, golf and bad drivers everywhere *grin*

Exhilaration

Somebody I know recently told me that there must be more to life than as we know it. My answer then was - No - this is as good as it gets when you've tried them all.

I take that back now. Sometimes, the simplest thing could be just the very thing you need.

And I have Jay to thank for that tonight. And my vodka drinking friends should thank Jay too. Cos if he hadn't driven over and taken me out for a ride on his big green machine - there probably wouldn't be anymore vodka left *lol*

But beyond all that, I think I am finding the most exhilaration in finding out that there is pleasure - alot of it - in being free and single! I can do anything I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want! Nothing - I'll say it again - NOTHING beats that right now.

And with that, I'm scooting off to prance on my balcony like a crazed woman *grin*

The Grand Let Down

You.

You let me down today in ways I never thought you could.

You did not stand up for me, when I stood next to you in solidarity. You let me take the fall for the sake of all, when I am not even accountable for 10% of the mess. You did not think to clear my name, and instead left it tainted as it is now.

I've given you everything I could in the last 1 year. And this is what I get in return. I continued giving you everything I've got even tho I've lost some of that loving feelin. But it appears, it wasn't enough.

You left me to sink on my own.

That is the grandest let down I've ever had. You most certainly take the cake on this note.

Thank God I don't have to see any of you for the rest of the week.

Before you fly...

And here's another one for the night:

People should realise that before they can fly, they need to learn how to walk. Unaided. Without tripping and falling over.

It is just amazing how many young people (and that would be anyone with the maturity of a 6 year old) think that just cos they have done somethings, it is beneath them to do anything else. And they whinge and whine about having to do "secretarial" type work, when somebody else could do it and they oversee it.

Now here's the clincher kays? I would perfectly agree with such thoughts if.. and ONLY IF you have done that job so well that it's mistake free. Then, and ONLY THEN can you be qualified to oversee the work of someone else doing it. When you take forever to do the task assigned, and send it back riddled with so many bullet holes - trust me my young man - you ain't ready to be given any prominent position of power.

Ain't it funny... how people think that just cos they wear a tie and long-sleeved shirt to work, they are worthy of being called a manager?

Me? I'm having my first waitressing position at the age of 32-going-on-33 during normal working hours and pushing papers at half to 11 at night.

Now that's called learning to walk before you fly - no matter how old you are!

The Question Tonight..

I was asked the question "Why do you have to" tonight like a gazillion times. And well.. it's fairly simple to explain if only you see it from my point of view. Which is this:

It had to be done. Somebody's gotta do it. And if the Somebody did not think of it, then Someone else has to.

It's not called proving a point. It's not called boot-licking. It's called stepping up to the plate when it is required.

Now if only more people saw that. Life would be so much easier then eh?

The Warrior

in·dom·i·ta·ble ~ adjective

• that cannot be subdued or overcome, as persons, will, or courage;
• unconquerable

I learnt a new word today. And it was used in the strangest of ways, which goes like this:

Barbsie: I think there's just ay too much churn going on in my life the last month or so and I'm just starting to reel from it. The will and focus is not there and I can't find it under the bed either. Not very good and I need to get my head screwed back on right.

Bear: You're one of those people who fall and land on their feet, and probably hits the ground running, so whatever it is that transpired in the past few weeks...the indomitable Barbs shall prevail...

It's great to know that one of the people closest to me thinks I'm a survivor, that nothing can shake or break me. Yet it's scary cos it does happen. And when it does, is the pride and ego of this pseudo-warrior gonna hold out and hide everyone from the pain? Or is she gonna just let it rip?

For once, the next time it happens, I think I'd just let it rip. Just so I do not stay within the defined.

Crappy Barbsie

Okay so I'm feeling crappy and irritated. And I can't freaking go to sleep even tho it's past midnight. What else is new?! It's not that I do not know the source of my irritation. I just haven't figured out a way to be rid of it as yet.

Call me shallow. I don't really care. Everywhere I look around me in my pigeon hole serves as a reminder as to why I need to get out of this crap - SOON! I mean, I didn't come this far in life, thru truckloads of crap and what-have-you-not to settle for this! Pups did not go out, get me my special loo-roll holder, unscrew the plastic one he put up and put this one in for nought.

I do not need reminders of the past. And this one cuts just a tad too close to that nightmare when I lived on Elm Street. There was a reason why I moved away and I have to keep that in mind.

A friend says it's the heart of the matter that counts. And under different circumstances, I would agree. Hell - under any circumstances for anyone else I would agree. But not for me.

I would like to say that I have just become way to attached to my own space, my own time and my own tune. I would like to say that I don't do shite like cooking, picking up and what-have-you-not anymore. But that would not be true.

I think I could be convinced to share my space, my time and my tune. I could be convinced to cook the occassional meal and everything else under the sun. I'm just not wanting to be convinced at this point in time.

Cos in doing so, it would mean I have slipped a couple of notches down the ladder. And so far, the only one who gets it would be boy-nick-named Charlie. Does this mean that it takes an emotionally stunted person to know another?

Damn it. I'm just being crappy. Hit me with a size 12 shoe why don'tcha?!

Regardless

Most of the time, the intent is more important than the act itself. And today is just one such day.

Regardless of the outcome, the mere thought of offering is good enough for Barbsie.

You know who you are. And you know all the thanks in the world cannot sum up the extent of my appreciation for your thoughtfulness.

You made my day!

Self-Indulgence

I really should stop these early mornings blogging before it becomes a way of life once again. oh yes - we've all been there and we do not want Barbsie to go back there again. But at 5 in the morning, I can't possibly ring somebody up and ask stupid questions, now can I?

I really have a lot I want to say at this hour today. It is afterall Tuesday and in 10 hours time, I've gotta sit like a criminal being tried for things that I supposed have done wrong. And I really don't need this rain on my parade. Particularly when I do not feel like I have my bosses on my side.

But anyways, coming back to my point... I have a lot I want to say this morning... But do I really want to indulge myself on it? Is it important that I do? Do the words I want to say have a space here? Or should it be said out loud in person instead?

I'd like to think that through the years, I have come to some form of full circle. Maybe this is one of them. I do not have to prove myself, my life, the way I see the world to anyone. At times, it's better to keep my knowings to myself. That there is such as thing as T.M.I.

This is not getting off to a very good start is it? Well Mandy - here's another one of Barbsie's infamous R&R in action then eh?

Best Said Words

For an absolutely shite week, it has started on a good footing. Nothing extraordinary took place. Just people popping up and well, balancing the stabs in the back I got last week with pats on the head. Here's a collection of the best in the last 24 hours:

Making amends

You've never given up on us, don't do it now.

Two boys whose moment of haste and frustration had led to all hell breaking loose on me. It's made the "Best of" list cos they have redeemed themselves. And I too have redeemed myself for I have kept to my end of my word to them by the end of last week. Thus proving them very wrong in judging me.

Water under the bridge

(In teary-eyed manner) It's been far too long and I've missed you so much!

I didn't expect her to cry. I didn't remember her to be the sentimental tearing sort. This was my best friend for 10 years. This was also the girl I have not spoken to nor heard from in the last 5 years. Goes to show what a lil note on email can do today. Yes - in the words of Adam - yet another Facebook story.

Going the extra mile

She made some calls and hooked this up for you.

Sometimes people surprise me. A whole lot. And this is one of them. My ex-bf's current gf. Yeah so she may be in the field of HR, but she really didn't have to do this for me. And yes - Pups is right - she is a gem!

Not letting go

You're one of my best friends and sometimes I don't now how to 'handle' you so I just keep silent, doesn't mean I don't care..

I think what made this one the best of the weekend is the term that was used on the sign-off... And all I can say to it is this - I know Bear. And you're wrong Bear. Apart from Pups and Mandy, you're the other person who do know how to handle me. i.e. If I walked to the edge of the ledge, you'd be one of the 3 who could convince me to come down.

~ ** ~

I don't really care how this week plays out. It wouldn't be anything new from tomorrow onwards (I'm on leave today you see) - the great Mussolini torture continues and it's been stepping up notches.

I have my phrases and that's good enough for me this week.

The People Speaks

It's the morning after the General Elections of my country. The sun is still shining. And hopefully, the streets (and people) have remained calm. Reading the newspapers online, it appears that the People have spoken. In loud voices to boot!

The country's National Front wins only with a 61% stake in the Parliament. They lost 27% of the opportunities to represent to what was formerly known as the Opposition. I say this after reading Alwyn's Blog - that they are no longer the Opposition - they are now part of the Government. They will represent 39% of the House, and manage the running of 5 states - including the one which I call home.

I am trying to reconcile now how these numbers will affect and impact my life, and the lives of my kids. I am trying to download their manifestos and figure out how these changes would come about. Reading the parties' manifestoes and all, it all seems pretty frivolous and superficial. What is even scarier is that people appear to have actually bought into all of it.

My folks voted for the opposition member cos she wanted to improve the traffic situation in Subang. Oh please – there is nothing wrong with the roads there – it’s all to do with the bloody people who live there, and their I-own-the-right-of-way attitude! I lived there for 8 bloody years – I should know! And you think that a 29-year-old lawyer chic is going to be able to brainwash everyone in that place called Ulu Subang Jaya to drive courteously and better!

My sister-in-law and her family did not vote for the incumbent cos when her brother fell ill, our then-MP told her mum he did not have the time to help raise the funds. Now that’s a bloody-no-brainer to me cos why did he have to? He’s the MP – not the Saviour of the World, the solver of ALL problems! And for them to turn against him.. it's got nothing to wanting change is it? It's all gotta do with vengence for being snub.

I am not a registered voter. And it was my choice. I am not a fence-sitter. I am just oblivious to the words, promises of change, and the personal hope that each neighbor carried. I am also a firm believer that how your life goes, lies in your own two hands – not those of the government or the party that rules the policies, standards and processes. It is our OWN values and attitude that shape the way our world turns. Not theirs.

All the talk of being a ‘clean’ government and transparency, yadda-yadda-yadda – trust me, one fine day someone is gonna turn and accuse the newbies of the same. For in business, someone has to profit and prosper. And if it ain’t someone they know, you’d still be in the wrong and stand accuse of the same anyways.

A friend asked me this morning - did I really think there would be no impact of this shift in powers? I guess I would ~ I just don't see how or where or when. And here’s a list why:

• I do not see the prices of petrol coming down – what’s done is done, what’s spent is gone. Taking funds from somewhere else (like building the bridge) would only hedge the rising cost temporarily. Wouldn’t we be better off seeking ways to be non-petrol dependant instead? (err.. don’t think anyone has mentioned that as yet on this petrol issue!!)
• I do not see the quality of education improving – it’s all got to do with attitude and sadly, there ain’t many out there with a genuine passion for teaching, learning and children anymore. Giving them better salaries is not going to inspire that passion. It comes from within, not without. Giving them training is not gonna qualify them in being 'fit' to educate.
• I do not see the streets being any safer – unless all the criminals out there belong to underground societies where our newly elected reps are members of as well. Then maybe they could exert some form of in-society code that would reduce the criminal activities.
• I do not see the possibilities of many more minority races holding more positions of power. I would be darn worried if that suddenly happened, especially if they are not equipped with the intellectual tools and knowledge to carry out the task(s) at hand. Wouldn’t that then be a form of racial-nepotism/cronyism? Shouldn’t it be that the best man, in terms of knowledge, perspective and intellect wields the sword?

I am no pro-government. Don’t get me wrong. I am just fast feeling like I’m a foreigner living in my own country! I can't be bothered with who sits in the House unless there is concrete evidence that my quality of life would improve significantly under the powers of someone else. If not, it’s all the same anyways.

In conclusion, in all honesty: Five years from today, I can bet my last dollar, that my state would not have grown by leaps and bounds. And that the People will once again speak. For there is nothing worse to raise the expectations of the People, and to not live up to it.

As the saying goes - Hell hath not the fury of the person scorn. In the moment of the chase, the passion of the moment, our representatives have sold their hopes and dreams to the People. They had now better live up to it. Or it would be a very expensive divorce 5 years down the road.

Bigger and better things to come? It remains to be seen.

Boys Like Girls

I have a song in head. Those who know me would know what I mean. Oh the agony!!!

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway

I don't know why the urge to break free and breakout is reigning so strong that this song is in me head 24 hours a day. I even hum it to sleep!

All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind
The answer that we'll never find
Don't mean a thing tonight

Maybe I should try blasting it out loud on my player and dance like a mad woman to it. That might work it out of my system *grin*

Spare Me

Ah.. There’s something about catastrophe that makes one more conscious of how much difference a second, a minute and an hour makes. How at the break of dawn, the world is bright and shiny.. and at the end of the same day, it's gone all dark and twisted.

Okay, so fine – maybe I’m being all melodramatic and red-hat about the current state of affairs. So maybe I am tossing my green, yellow and blue hats out the window. And I am surely ignoring the fact that there is a white hat lying somewhere around.

As I sit here, in a corner of my restaurant (well, not exactly mine, but who cares?!) this is me saying, I’m done fighting battles I cannot, nor want to, win.

It is sad though, that things have come to such a turn. When I give in and give up the fight, contrary to what everyone else thinks I should do. The song from Depeche Mode comes to mind – Try walking in my shoes ~ I bet you’ll stumble and you’ll fall.

A few nights ago, I wrote that my staff at work was one of the 3 reasons I had to smile. On this sunny but bleak day, some of them still are. And while it may be a handful only, it justified my thought last night that everyone deserves the benefit of doubt.

I have always said – I love my job. I love what I do here. And so it is with much sadness that I’m moving away from it. But I have to. I should. Before it consumes me like a love-hate affair and eats into my soul. And by George, the money's not good enough for me to sell my soul to the Devil.

Without passion, loyalty and commitment, it really pointless to carry things on in a manner that makes everyone in the room look like the utter fool. How would I know that I’m there? Simple – if I could hang up my phone when my Italian boss is talking to me – Lecturing in fact! – The relationship has definitely strained beyond the point of redemption.

As I look around me, I have very little to ask except this: I’ve already given up the game.

So please ~ Spare me all your drama and let me live out these days, creating nothing but good memories. Maybe that way, I can learn to forgive myself for my abilities that form my pride and joy, but which you have turned and used against me.

Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it.
Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you.

I will rise above this. One.Fine.Day. By myself, without the help of anyone else. Cos even on that note, I'd say - Spare me. I've taken enough crap to know that there is no such thing as Be there for the Good, be there for the Bad.

There's only be there WHEN it suits you.

And it all fell apart

It's been a rocky week so far. And being a person who have so few friends, I have been kept bouyant by my Bear. But today, the sky fell down hard on me, in a manner so unexpected.

My heart is broken. My spirit snapped in two. Everyone says not to take it personally. But it only goes to show they who said it, do not know me. For what I am, and the work I do, if it is not my personal touch.

I wish I could say I am done crying, but I am not. It doesn't seem real until it is said out-loud to my sounding board. But he's not here and I'm banging my head against the wall over and over again.

If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me to
Before you went away,
if only for a day.
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me back to
The tune we played
before you went away.

Goes to show... at the end of the day, there's no one you should depend on except for yourself.

Yawns

Sleep was created for a reason. So that we do not sit at McDonalds and have breakfast at 5.30 am, and then crawl to work at 6.30 am only to be locked out of your own office. This is so not good.

Not.Good.At.All!

Oh well. I'll just blame it on footy.

It's ONLY Tuesday!

In the words of Bart Simpson - I didn't do it nobody saw me do it you can't prove anything.

Seriously now - if it was the Boss-man, I'd be singing a totally different tune!

3 Reasons

Okay.. maybe it's because it's the end of another marathon day, with some sprinting in-between but I find this terribly freaky. Here's the extract of my tarot reading on Facebook today:

Queen of Wands
The Queen of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in liberation. I radiate or communicate personal power, passion, and allure and am not dragged down by trends. I have a bold magical flair and a spirit of innovation and pride. I am secure in my identity or performance and thrive on creating, designing or fostering new or equal opportunities for aesthetic or personal growth, expression or awareness. I am empowered with gratitude, attention and reputation to go beyond the call and I transform through exploring or initiating change.

I am reading this just at the end of the workday, yet all of the above seemed to rang true.

The Bear told me to go home and sleep - that I looked dead, in a good way (???). But before I do, here are 3 reasons that I am able to go to sleep tonight with a smile, despite today being a terrible bad day of fire-fighting:

1) At a function held this evening in celebration of the CEO's birthday, the Chief Medical Officer (who has a reputation for being snobby) and his wife flagged me over towards the end, as I was clearing up after the guests. And they told me this - that if I didn't work at the hospital, they would both give me a hug for I'm one of the sweetest, most genuine person they have met. In that moment, I knew I was truly living the values that my boss wants the company to symbolise.

2) My staff from another outlet came running up at the very end and insisted on helping me clear up. He came up cos he heard that I was running the service of the function by myself after a long full workday, and so he came to help. In that moment, I knew for sure that I have definitely earned the respect of my staff by leaps and bounds. I will always be remembered by them as the Boss who was not afraid to roll up her sleeves and get her hands dirty.

3) I got a text message on my way enroute from Bear's house telling me that the burger from my restaurant is Amazing, Really Good and Way Better than his own. Now, this burger has been subjected to a number of occassional disputes between Bear and me, him being a pseudo chef. To win such accolade for the food that I am ultimately responsible for (without sticking my hand in the making of it), is definitely something to shout about.

I've always said I'm a simple girl, with simple dreams. I live not for myself but for others. I believe that respect has to be earned and earned it I did. I may not have very much to show for the efforts that I put in. But at least tonight, as I shower up and turn in, I know that my personal capital of goodwill is riding right up there, and that is good enough for me.

Oh. And by the by - aren't we all thankful that I am not into politics?! *grin*

Conversations with Myself

I wrote a whole lot over the weekend but I have gone and deleted them all. It was nothing but rants, so WTF should it be doing here?!

It’s been raining. Heavy, big droplets that go splat instead of splash. It’s a nice sound to wake up to, provided one does not need to go to work. Yeah – considering I didn’t have to go to work on Saturday, IT WAS NICE!

It’s been a strange and partly surreal weekend and I am resisting the urge to go sit on my balcony and think about it. Yes – I have found the “pause” button on my brain and it’s helping. But nonetheless, the wonderment beckons. Maybe I should blog it out, just so it gets out of this wee head that’s already jammed packed.

Crazy, now what'cha doing?
Just the same, well I think I'm right
Crazy how fast you're moving
As our friendship pays for your lonely night

One of my wonderments revolves around a tale of 31s. Yes – a tale of 31s ~ the number being an age and the ‘s’ signifying more than 1 person of that age. And my thought goes like this – how could two people, who are quite alike in some ways, be so different in others?! Honestly, if they were both rolled into one, I would be one happy girl this week, month, year – whatever. But they are not and I am caught in the middle.

Loverboy, lovergirl,
You need a song to sleep to and morning to sleep thru
And have it your way.

One has no right to neither stay nor play, yet so desperately wants to. The other, has all the freedom and opportunity to, yet chooses to pick and bid his time. One I would run the opposite direction from, and the other – I would give up my sleep to drive and have breakfast with on my day off.

For a brief spell in the last two days, I have been wondering how did I land here?! *Hmmm* maybe there is some truth in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book when it was said that once the barrier has been lifted, the world would rush in to fill the vacuum. For I have known one for coming to a year now (Wowzers – has it been that long?!) and it is only now that we’re actually getting to know each other.

So.Not.Good.

It's okay to dance around it and have it your way
Laugh about it, oh for goodness sake
Don't believe in anything that's keeping you awake

I really should not think about this. Life has been without drama and it has been good. My stride has been lighter and my head less messed up. My smile has also been wider and well, my words less sharp.

But nonetheless, despite all that good, healthy things listed above – I am still cold. Oh yeah. It is a fact when I can so non-chalantly state that I am cruel and cold, but hey – don’t take it personally.

I'm feeling all sentimental and feeling all thru my head
I'm feeling all very sexual but feeling all by myself instead

*Sigh* I hate to say it. But I am a little intrigued as to how this lil game is gonna play itself out. Maybe it’s the psycho in me. Maybe it’s some unfulfilled dark wish to vent and exact pain. Maybe it’s me becoming unraveled a lil late in the day.

You better have it your way anytime.
You better have it you way with yourself and only yourself
You better have it yours and baby you know that I'll have mine.

Oh well… Like I said – really shouldn’t think about this. Should just shut off the phone and go underground and let all this be just as it is ~

This is a conscious conversation with myself