Sunday, November 25, 2007

Fix you

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

One of my boss’s favourite question is “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” It could be anything under the sun, doesn’t really matter. But what it does indicate is that you have a goal that you want to work towards.

It irritates me when these candidates goes “I want to be somebody” but cannot exactly tell you who. Those who try would end up quantifying it by saying that “somebody” would be one with an office, a department to run and staff to manage.

And as I was having my shower just, it occurred to me that in one aspect of my life, I am just like these blubbering fools that I abhor.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

I spent the whole day alone today. And I think it was needed, necessary even. So that the mind calms down and I am in a position to think clearly where I have been going wrong, why am I on a downward spiral, when I didn’t have to be.

And this is what I have come to. I know a lot of things. But I do not know what I want for myself, my own happiness. And because I am one who does not know how to say “I don’t know”, it’s been nothing but an illusion that I have been chasing.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

There is this place that none of us want to be in. This state of mind, which is to be alone. And when we’re unwittingly there, we do all sorts of things to get out. Clutching at straws even when it is not what we know we want.

And that’s when we become the blubbering idiot from the interviews we hate and swear never to go through again. We become fixated on translating the picture of a home, a person there to sit on the couch and watch tv with, the garden with the sun shining through into what we want.

When in actual fact, we should be focusing on defining the person we envisage in the picture and our emotions that we want to feel when we get there.

Tears stream down your face
I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes

As I look back on the week past, I hang my head in disappointment for all the things that I have done, just because I do not know what I want. If I had more guts, I would stand in front of the mirror and call myself all sorts of names just so my friends do not have to do it.

The sad thing is this – I’ve been here before. I have been at this point in life before. Only this time, I severely crossed the line with the 3 things I resolved to do mid-week.

But I have faith. Cos this time, even though it has not made me feel better about myself, I am not deluding myself into thinking I am feeling better. Nor am I lulling myself into a state of recluse by saying I am feeling much worse.

Maybe the bit that Amanda neglected to add on when she tells me I need the time alone, is this “that over time it would help me think clearly on what I want” so that I don’t go into my MO of “receive-reject”.

And so for now… I am alright with not knowing what I want. Nor will I strive to find out what is it that I want. For now… I think I should live life as it comes, giving life the time it needs to show me what I want.

For at the end of the day, the opposite of “what I don’t want” does not equate to it being what I want. And I should stop thinking it does.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Committing to memory

A random person told me recently that "life is not all about work. That if it was, then there would be no need for the living, that we might as well all be robots."

As I sit and write this, it may be a coincidence that I have Rod Stewart singing "For the first time" on my stereo with their added on speakers. This was the song that the children's father used to sing for me. And for once.. I am able to smile at that memory, without any of the anger or vindictiveness that lingered.

I have to commit this moment to memory. This very sober moment. Yups - no alcohol at all, even though the glass has been poured out since 3 pm.

Life is not like work.. a schedule of deadlines and goals to meet. It's what we create on a day to day basis that makes it LIFE. And there's no recipe for it. No manuals. No courses or degrees to take.

I have to stop making it to be like work. There is no checksheet, nor Standard Operating Procedures that I have to follow.

I had wanted to close this with the line "I can do this. I seriously CAN do this!" but that would be saying that I am living with a set of rules and a timeline.

So instead.. I'll close with the thought that... over time.. I will be able to live life not as a procedure, but as life is.


Thursday, November 22, 2007

Damaged

I breezed into work at half past 9 this morning. Yeah, I know. Amazing isn’t it, considering I have been in every day for the last couple of months by 7.

I had yet another meaning conversation with my boss over lunch that lasted an hour, and yes that man wants me to do the dirty for him. The drilling and the grilling. Apparently, when I smell blood, I go for it and he wants to see more of that.

My best friend rang me up at 6.30 pm to check up on me. Just to make sure that I was in my car, on my way out of the office and head on home to sleep.

I also sailed thru the day – nothing could ruffle my feathers. I was in absolute control, even in the most trying of situations. I was in my elements as they would say and was the perfect Retail Manager in the whole city for the day.

But at the end of a perfect day like today, I cannot help but wonder where did I learn to build up this bank of fakeness and the ability to dish it out like the day’s special when inside I am feeling like the worst roadkill on the highway.

In a span of 10 days, I have pushed 2 very important people out of my life. Just like that. One probably couldn’t care less, but another, well… I could lie about it and say I don’t give two-hoots of the other. But I do know that by putting the cart before the horse, I have probably hurt one of the people closest to me considerably.

I embark on a path of destructive actions. Doing things I should not be doing. Telling myself and everyone else who have asked, that it’s time I live life dangerously. Just so those who know me for who I really am would turn their backs and say they do not know me at all.

The tarrot card reading for me today says this:
The Nine of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in realization. I am not my mistakes. I can't do this alone or pretend any more. The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine. There is no shame in my suffering -- no healing in silent self-torment. It is here at the surreal crossroads of the "soul search" where dawning truth meets the anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that I can finally wake up, change my mind, let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices. I am empowered by intense acknowledgment or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition.

Life is pitiful when one takes a step back and looks at it from the point that it really ought to be seen.

Hate me. Please – just bloody hate me. It would make me feel so much better. Cos right now, I just need some unity in this self-loathing on why I cannot trust myself nor the world.

And as a result of that, people get the raw end of my deal, when they should not.... they really should not.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Listen

I've been silent. Cos I have been pretty good at keeping my head intact and such.But when all Barb's hell breaks lose, it ain't a pretty sight.And that is why I do the things I do and I stay away from the people that actually do care. Cos if there is one thing is life I have not learnt to do, it would be how to get on with life without the concept of "reckless self endangerment".

I know I should be far more responsible than this. But sometimes, one just cannot find the reason to be. No matter what they say - sometimes, you just can't.

I don't think the ME that is going to be, is the one you knew and found right to be called someone you know. THIS IS the beginning of the end as we know it.

Listen to the rustle of the leaves in the wind.. listen to what they are saying on behalf of this girl. It's time for another season to change.

Goodbye life as it was.. it was fun being among the living for a spell.

Resolve

This is a list of things that Adam and I have decided I should do tonight. Or rather, within the week:

  1. Get absolutely plastered - nothing like alcohol to dull the mind
  2. Smoke some weed - apparently it makes everything comes alive!
  3. Go out and land a shag - doesn't matter who. Just as Mandy says - just don't give my phone number
And after I'm done with Step 3, I am to repeat Steps 1 to 3 again. Over and over and over.

Until..

And if that doesn't answer your question - I have serious doubt about your intellect.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Hilarious

This was so funny.. I just had to put it over at my blog... My dating personality according to OkCupid:

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure.

You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

Tell me - didn't you find that funny as well?

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Licking the bottom..

Here are a list of things that I have engraved to memory the last 48 hours:

1) Valium and alcohol do not work - trust me on this one... something about the alcohol stopping your bloodstream from absorbing the sleeping drug.

2) People will always let you down no matter what - and the lesson behind this one is - how far you are let down lies in your own hands, not theirs.

3) When you are on the way down, you just need to hit rock-bottom.

4) It's okay to have only 6 days in a week - some days are just not worth committing to memory.

5) Real friends are those who would walk 1km in stilettoes and pay for their own latte.

6) Nothing beats talking to someone who is busy as hell but still sets time aside for you.

So yes. I've been to hell and back. It was not something I had expected to happen to me, but it did. And well, as it was said by the Bear - I've licked the bottom of the devil's barrel - and survived.

I'm whipping out the compas and the map... time to chart my own course.

Afterall, if I don't start listening to Mandy soon, she's bound to wanna kick my ass in those heels too!

Thanks you two.. for holding my hair from my face one stormy night, even from afar.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Famous Last Words

The Chemical Shooter has always been about the journey towards the sweet, if you persist thru the bitter and the sour. Unfortunately, this writer does not have the will-power nor strength to go the entire journey. And so it ends here.. with the bitter and the sour.

Understanding...

When I was 16, I had a best buddy. We did everything together then as kids in high school. And not a day went by without us doing something or other.

When we were 19, I introduced this girl to him and finally, my best buddy had a girlfriend. God was I pleased for him cos she was my friend as well. We even spent 1 magical Christmas together with me and my then-chappie. When he left for Australia, I sat with her as she cried her heart out. And I continuously reminded him how not to let her down and all that.

One fine day, I remember a call from him.. in a chillingly cold voice, he told me that he didn't think we should be friends anymore. Cos his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with our friendship. She felt threatened. And so, he was not gonna be keeping in contact anymore.

So many years on.. I still remember him.. and I do still wonder how he is and such. I heard they didn't last long after that.

I never understood why he could let me - his good old friend go just like that. For a girl. And I have always wondered if our friendship was that non-plus that he could drop me like a hat.

13 years on.. I am trying to understand it again. Cos it's happened again. And it's funny cos just today, another one of those I call close to me said in his mail, that no matter what happens, he knows that I will always be one of the people closest to him.

As so I painfully remove all traces of evidence of ever being friends with my once best-buddy just so his girlfriend would not go all trauma-like by the presence of me... I am wondering why do people use the word "always" as though it doesn't mean anything. And also this...

If everyone's intent was to leave in the end... why then in the first place, try so hard to convince me to believe what I otherwise believed?

I am seeking to understand. Dear God.. I honestly do.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Balancing Baby Steps

My best buddy has been away for most of the week. But even before he left, I stayed away from him, making excuses for him ~ that he’s at the height of romance and would not want to be disturbed. And in the midst of all that’s been going on in my head, in my life, at work, I kept my Person at bay.

Tonight, we all caught up for dinner – him, the kids, his girlfriend and me. Even at the last moment, I wanted to back out, thinking that it would be better for the kids to dine with just the two of them, that he would want the time to catch up with Nat and didn’t need me around to spoil that. Him, being him, pressed on and so dinner happened.

Afterwards, as with all the other times, I went to his place and sat out at the back, chain smoking and watching the traffic. And slowly but surely, everything that has been bottled up over the last few weeks, came spilling out to my Person.

Take your head around the world
See what you get from your mind
Write your soul down word for word
See who's your friend who is kind
It's almost like a disease

I have been progressively becoming unraveled cos my two sounding boards have been missing when all hell broke lose. And being the stubborn mule that I am, I refused to back down and restore the balance when I needed to cos I thought ~ if they wanted to hear from me, they would have called. If they wanted to see me, they would have come round. If they really care, they would have asked.

And in the whole scheme of things, I overlooked the fact that I was indeed asked but turned everyone away by saying “I’m alright” when every single cell in me was crying out the contrary.

Try as I may to deny that I am not dependent on any one person for anything, it is as it is – a damn wide river that floods over, bursting its banks in the process – the damn river called The Nile.

I don’t think I have felt such release like I do tonight. And it is in part the result of 3 things:
  • My Mandy from across the sea, telling me that it’s alright to feel this way and that I will eventually come out of it, but that it’s alright for now to be this way,
  • My best buddy telling me again things that I have forgotten, putting things in perspective, and
  • An email sent earlier this afternoon in apology and in utter honesty about everything else under this lil rock that I’ve chosen to hide under.

Take your straight line for a curve
Make it stretch, the same old line
Try to find if it was worth what you spent
Why you're guilty
For the way you're feeling now
It's almost like being free

People need people, and I am no exception. Why I hide behind this facade of false niceties or of being bright and cheery, escapes my mind tonight. I have gone on and let everyone think that I do not have the time of day for them, when all I have is time on my side. And even when I don’t – I can still make the time.

I have been putting my thoughts down here on my blog, thinking that someone is gonna pick up on it. But 2 persons whose opinions matters the most, have stopped reading it cos they know this is not how real friendship works. You do not have to read about something afterwards, and I should not have to go on this round-about way when all I needed to do was to say, “I’m drowing. Help.”

Take yourself out to the curb
Sit and wait
A fool for life

Oh what a fool I have been. And it’s the first step for me. To say and see for real that I have been only a fool to think that people do the things they do for me cos they are obliged to. In retrospect, I am a wee small person of little faith. Cos I have been told often enough that the nice things done for me, is out of a genuine want of doing. But I never believed.

Mandy was right and I see her point now ~ I must realize my own worth before other people can begin to do the same towards me. I may be smart and intelligent but when it comes to being a person, a human being, I fail so badly at it. Right up till just now, I struggled with doing what she was asking me to and not making any headway.

But the essence of it is that if I do not appreciate myself, I will never be satisfied with the level of kindness and care shown towards me.

I will never feel that I am worth the time of day for her to call and text me, telling me to put my phone off and go to sleep.

I will never feel that Sen was sitting out with me cos he felt he had to, and not cos he was really concerned that something was not right and that if he was patient enough, I would come round to talking.

I will never believe that every piece of advice given to me by the 3rd person is cos he doesn’t want to see me being stepped over like a beaten rug and not get anything in return, when it is my right to.

I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love
And you will carry on

I have left a trail of mess and hurt in the run up of bringing myself to this point. I have said things that should not have been said, forgetting that not everyone is the same, and as such, do not know me on the same degrees.

It’s gonna take a hell lot of effort to clean up the mess. And another first baby step when if the moment ever arises, would be to not sweep it under the carpet as Sen says I am most famous for doing. For the written word cannot stand up to the measure of the spoken word.

I have hidden behind the line ~ “everyone is gonna leave me in the end, why shouldn’t I be the one to take the first step” so often that I had forgotten that I would be the one letting them down time and again instead.

All I’ve gotta do is come round to the fact that I am ME and that this ME does indeed have some qualities that are worth having around to other people. And that I cannot be everything to everyone. But to be something to some people, that says a lot… especially if they are all still around when I was down.
I've just gotta remember that the next time I go off-balanced.

My spirit may be broken, totally and utterly right now and all the fight may have gone out of me. But with my People around me, and being there - I'm pretty sure I'll find it again. And someday soon, maybe you'll read about how I am finding my voice once again.


For the bear

And this says it all... just remember - when all else fails, breathe in and breathe out.. I too shall pass.

A Thousand Reasons

I won’t believe you
With what you have to give
I’m just lying here..
In a corner, waiting for death

I had thought that if I sat still long enough, and let my thoughts argue themselves out, I’ll be able to see things clearly and what I must do to survive today. 7 hours later, I am still no where near the end and the sun has already come up.

I won’t believe again
With the rising of the sun
Who can lighten every corner
Of this dark and twisted heart

I can think of a thousand reasons why I must make it through today. And not just make it through, but to make a great day out of it. It is after all the weekend and I’ll have 24 hours to spend with Lydia and Luke. It is after all the weekend and I am not obligated to step into a cold concrete building and put on a happy face cos I’m paid to. It is after all the weekend and the world has not stopped turning for everyone else. Just me.

I’ll stop hoping and pining
And just wait for the dark to come
Until the moment
When I can no longer feel anything

I can think of a thousand reasons why I must be angry. To carry my non-plus face and snap at everyone who crosses my path today. To lash out all the pain into the emotion call anger and just let it rip, without a second thought to how it would ruin another person’s day. After all, I am damage and everything and everyone who comes near me ends up getting damaged as well.

Why must there be hurt and pain
When happiness is achieved?
Why must the darkness always follow
The calming white light that shines thru?

I can think of a thousand reasons why I should apologise and take back what I said. The rawness of the voice would provide all the explanations needed. I can also think of a thousand reasons why I should not take back what I said. Cos until I stop creating damage to me, only then can I be worth calling someone you know.

You taught me what joy was
You reminded me what pain was as well

I cannot for the life of me think of a thousand things that I taught you or reminded you of. But I cannot look back with regret. For if I do, it would be my un-doing. I cannot be around shiny, happy people cos my darkness would only encroach into their space and they too would turn their back on me.

I’ll be back someday
Without vindication
I’ll accept someday
My loss, my pain

If I focused hard enough, I’d like to believe that I can fast forward to 1 month, 2 months, 6 months from now and go “Oh that lil thingy”… but for now I can’t. And so I will just live in solitude.

Solitude, come and envelope me like a warm blanket. For until I learn to be in my own skin, and live, play with my own shadow, only then can I learn how to play with others.

Solitude, come and encase me in your sweet sorrow. For until I learn to deal with pain without alcohol, without cigarettes, without pacing the hall, without running away, I’ll never be able to close my eyes again.

Solitude… where are you when I need you to fill this space that I have just cleaned out? Where are you when I need you to call company?

Solitude where are you when I need to believe in all that I once believed in? Where are you to help me see that there is a rightness to all this pain... that it is correct to believe that if everyone would leave me at the end of the day, why I am then not wrong in taking the first step away.

Solitude.. I need you.. so that I can believe in my thousand reasons.

Untitled at 4

I wrote a lot of things tonight. And I've gone and erased them all because at the end of a day, like today, they are nothing but words without any real meaning.

So this is was they mean when they say that you're "spent". In all my life, in the faces of all the adversities, I have never had this sense of being in a space where there is a keen sense of empty, all turned out.

A friend of mine once commented to me, that he's never known anyone whom he's liked so much that he couldn't bear to have even just a little of that person over nothing at all. Well Danny-boy.. you're one of the lucky ones then, I guess. To never know what that feels like.

Cos right here... right now... it feels like hell. And I don't know which is worse. To live my life as lucky as Danny-boy, or the way it is now.

I've drunk way too much. I've smoked way too much. And yet, I cannot conjure up any form of emotions at all. And now was I sit here, as I have been since I got home at midnight from a drive to no where, there's nothing worthy that's left to say.

For once, I am in real possession of emptiness. And I cannot find any meaning to it. Any real meaning to it.

They say... you can't really miss something until it's gone from you. How did I get here...?

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Tears from onion peeling...

Now I see the time we had before
Is just a passing moment
That we can't share anymore.

I am one of those people, who, while on one hand is able to mix well with people – be the ultimate PR officer, is on the other hand, a complete recluse when it comes to what’s going on in my head.

And I've learned that
Written words are not the same
As when you take the time to say it
And let the clouds release the rain.

It takes hell of a lot for me to come out right and speak my mind on matters concerning me. I realize that now, and I also realize that when I do, it is usually when I am at my lowest. When nothing can hurt me any further, than I am already hurting.

And I say one thing each day
Before I lay me down
I thank god for your sweet smile
Although you're not around

I am also one of those people, not built to be alone. Some people can heck it, find things to occupy their time with. I am unfortunately, not one of such souls. Try as I may to isolate myself in a vacuum of work, I am slowly collapsing underneath the weigh of this self-imposed exile.

And I can't overcome
Your memory in my mind
It's a bridge I'll never cross
Until the end of time

And it is for this reason that I have been silent for the last 48 hours or so. And it is for this reason that I went and sat by myself for a good hour or so in the basement of my work building, where the I cannot be reached and cried over this barrier that I have built about myself.

As I sit here now, tired as hell from a day of grocery shopping, peeling onions and cooking up a storm yet again, I think I have to sit for a long while tonight and ponder what is it that I want for myself.

And I wish my dreams alone
Would bring back my old friends
Yesterday's just something
I can't mend

For I cannot keep going back and forth in this manner. One fine day soon, if I completely lose it, I’m gonna have no qualms at all about leaving here and never coming back. And that’s gonna hurt so many people who do not deserve to be hurt, least of all by me.

I told my mum last night as I had a slice of pizza for dinner at her insistence.. that I was so very tired. That life was not fair. That why was it some people didn’t have to strive very hard and got everything that they wanted. Yet, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to get what I want.

It was not fair of me to unload it all on my mum. And as she blinked back tears of sadness for me, she said brokenly that she knew how I was struggling with life but that I should hold on cos God will smile on me one day soon.

'Cause I've broke down for my lost father
And I've cried for sister, too

I wish I could tell mum everything. But even skimming the surface already brought on so much hurt for her.

I guess I’ll just have to keep it all in then. Cos if Momma can’t handle the pain of me, no one else would.

Now my tears fall down for you
For you

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Missing...

I wish I...

*sigh*

What's the point of wishing...

Monday, November 5, 2007

Barbs the Builder

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts that had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things I wish I could do all all over again

It’s yet another long day start to the new week. I was very apprehensive as the day started and I drove into work. Apart from today being the true test of my newest retail baby, it was also the start of a new week. And I wondered if it would be like the last. Weary, dreary and everything else in that vicinity.

But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

In the past week, I have thought much in whatever time I had that didn’t involve work the question of “What if?” So much so, sometime towards the end of last week, my colleague who rides with me, looked me in the eye as we stopped at a light and asked, “What’s on your mind? Something’s bugging you.” I can’t really say. I wish I could. But I can’t. Cos saying things out loud is not allowed. Not anymore.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds that I wish
I could have one more chance to mend

People who know me for the first time are often surprised by all that I have accomplished in the span of the last 6 years. How I lived thru the challenges that God somehow seemed fit to put my way. That I didn’t crumble to the floor and is still standing. And making something of myself.

But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

It’s called learning your lessons and making sure you never repeat them again. And this was something I forgot. My own survival skill. The one thing that has kept me going in the face of whatever personal adversity I have gone thru.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all lessons learned.

I have not been as unbalanced as I have been the last couple of months. No matter how rough things got, I have at least, been always able to fall asleep and stay asleep. And the thing about not sleeping is this – it allows you to sit and stare at the open skies and think things clearly. In the way that it should be thought of. And to see things as they truly are, and not falsely brightened by the mid-day sun.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart

I had always liked to believe that coming thru life, I have never lost bits of my soul. But this is not true. I have been clutching at pieces that no longer exist. Whatever traces of it that remains, it really shouldn’t. Cos I am not made for a world like the world today, with the fair-weathered people that resides in it.

I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned

But they say it’s better late than never. And I've been here often enough to know that it's as easy as getting back on the bike and just start peddling again.

And so now, I have remembered the lessons that I have learnt ~ That it is far better to keep what’s beneath the warm exterior hidden from any living and breathing soul. That it’s okay to be superficial and really not care very much about anything and anyone. That it’s okay to live life in a fleeting manner.

I have nothing but time on my side. And it is long over-due that this facet of me surfaces again. It really shouldn’t come as a surprise how easily I am able to detach myself and be non-chalant about everything that should be important. One just have to see how far down the last mile I would go once I am committed to something, to see that I could also turn this on a roundabout.

I’ll get there eventually.. soonish.. brick by brick, I’ll piece the wall back together again. Cos living is way too over-rated in this girl's books. And breathing - let's not even go there. As for praying - well, there are prayers and then THERE ARE PRAYERS. You've just gotta learn to pick the right ones to say. And this girl's just remembered which are the right ones and which are the wrong ones. And she's definitely gone and said the wrong one. So very wrong one.

It used to be said that underneath this warm exterior is a very broken interior. It can now be said that underneath this warm exterior is a very cold interior. And I think that should suit me just fine.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Barbs Defined

I was reading Sen's blog, which he wrote on my notebook this morning. And tonight, instead of writing what's really in my head (cos I am trying to keep that thought at bay!!!), I shall follow his suit and define ME, instead. For like Sen, I am a Leo / Virgo Cusp - born in between moons and thus exhibiting traits of both. Have a read... I'm sure it'll make ME easier to understand.. and in eventualiaty, accept *grin*

The Leo/Virgo cusp combination, also known as the Cusp of Exposure. Here, there is an interesting blend of the introvert and the extrovert ~ a mix of the practical and earthy qualities afforded by Virgo coupled with the more intuitive and fiery traits of Leo. The end result is often a quietly inspired individual who keeps his or her light within.

Some of these cuspians emit a muted or even nondescript first impression which often conceals a far more flamboyant tendency. Others come across as exhibitionists, but are really sensitive and private individuals. There is a tendency here to hide certain personal qualities or facts, possibly for years.

Many Leo/Virgo natives eventually come to realize that self-concealment is futile since the more they attempt to hide, the more those around them appear to be taking notice of what they are (or are not) doing. By aiming to be more transparent and allowing others to see what they truly are instead of going into hiding, these cuspians may well be able to even out their swings between introverted and extroverted behavior.

Leo/Virgo natives born into unremarkable surroundings or at the bottom of the social ladder. Even when such ascension is initiated, it is only through tremendous tenacity and willpower that they can maintain momentum. Indeed, it is not unusual for these cuspians to succumb to their worst fear - a life of boredom and mediocrity.

The belief of Leo/Virgo subjects in themselves is frequently inversely proportionate to the belief of the world in general regarding these individuals. In short, as soon as they begin to gain self-confidence, it seems as though others begin to take less notice of them and while applause is not crucial to these cuspians, they do possess a burning sense of their own worth no matter how quiet or self-contained they may be.

Thus, they are often outstanding observers and judges of character. They know how to watch in silence without drawing attention to themselves. In addition, they frequently excel at recording their impressions in thought or word and then expressing them at a later date after long periods of rethinking.

Subjects of this cusp combination are never altogether happy or content with less than the very best.

The natural leadership found in many of these subjects, coupled with their administrative prowess, helps to ensure that any project undertaken will be successful. These are people who are very good at understanding the deeper meaning of what others say. They rely on logic rather than emotion in making decisions and are reliable and diligent individuals. However, they can sometimes appear "picky" or overly critical toward those who are not as discriminating. Being decisive and direct, the Leo/Virgo cuspian is optimistic regarding personal successes.

They do have a tendency to exaggerate problems and overreact to stumbling blocks, but are generally positive people with an inherent pride and streak of stubbornness which keeps them from giving up. These individuals have the ability to analyze and then take appropriate action. They are selective and discriminating, but are constantly and quickly moving.

The personality of these cuspians is warm-hearted and outgoing. They are cheerful, self-assured, studious and sensible in business dealings. It should also be noted that the female Leo/Virgo native in particular is likely to be easily convinced by arguments set forth in a plausible and persuasive manner.

These individuals will meet with success in the business world and possess great executive prospects since they are sufficiently forceful to command interest and respect. In short, they apply a methodical attention to detail and adhere to a practical and well-organized routine. Leo/Virgo cuspians are good organizers and tend to be quite popular people who are even inspiring at times.

With regard to relationships, Leo/Virgo cuspians are devoted but can, on occasion, be rather jealous souls. However, they are not particularly flirtatious.

The greatest strength of Leo/Virgo cuspians is probably to be found in their creativity, attention to detail and inherent desire to be of service. They will pick up on the "little things" that others most likely miss, and thoughtful gifts or unique solutions to problems are second nature to those who fall under the influence of this cusp combination. In addition, the committment of these natives to help others makes them one of the most giving characters to be found in the Zodiac.

Though I have never been one to believe in how the stars affect our personalities and such. But in reading thru the above, and bolding what I think is me, I must say - this has been quite spot on, don't you think?

Friday, November 2, 2007

Fraud

I am shocked and aghast!

Someone, whose blog I chanced upon some time back, is copying my postings and putting it on his blog, passing it off as his own!

I have known about it for some weeks now, when one fine day, I caught up on my blog reading and found that I was reading my own words, thoughts and emotions on someone else's page. WITHOUT ANY REFERENCE!

I feel violated! Especially with what he has selected to steal from Chemical Shooter this week. Cos these were my deepest emotions, over issues which haunts me the most! And for him to have done this, it belittles the importance of these issues that I deal with. Especially when he does it in a way that is meant to potray him as a hurting boy to his ex!

How dare he! Blog Thief!

If you're reading this Chris - I hope you feel as small as one could ever feel! You call yourself a poet?! You're nothing but a big Fraud! So big, I wonder how your ex-boyfriend would feel or think about you when he finds out that what you proclaim to write with him in mind, was taken from someone else. You do not know how to feel or what emotions are. If you did, you wouldn't resort to taking someone else's!

The Value of Money

My first public outlet made 213 Malaysian dollars in its short 3 1/2 hours of operations today.

213 bucks.

In the past, I used to spend that amount of money (or more!) on a clean Friday night out. Usually in about the same amount of time as well. For someone out shopping, that would be like a new pair of Levi's or Cros Islander with 1 jibbetz.

It was painful - the run up to that operation time, without only 2 hours to turn the place around. Plus - the cash register was late and I finalised my prices with 60 minutes to go, and menus to print. But hell - it's the sweetest 213 bucks I have ever held in my hands. Cos I played a big part in rolling it in.

Sure - I am only some 25,750 bucks short for this month's budgeted revenue. But hey - the month's still young. With 28 more days to go, I'm sure I'll be able to cover half of it *grin* And I will definitely not look at 213 bucks the same way again.

Come on by if you're ever in the city of KL. We're not that difficult to miss in that monster of a hospital. Just look for the brightest spot in the lobby and that'll be us pulling you on to spend some moolah on some excellent food and drinks!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

No, I'm not well.

My café had its testing and commissioning this afternoon. What a joke it turned out to be. It never fails to mystify me how people who earn tens and thousands of dollars suddenly become absolute greed-heads when they have the provision of free food and drinks. What was meant to be a closed testing for 10, max 15 persons turned out to be an absolute 90 minutes from hell of 60 persons, which each person wanting the best and most expensive drink on the menu and a selection of each food category available.

~ ** ~

We also had this round-table discussion at the office in the afternoon on what sort of values and behaviour we wanted our department to hold as our personal set of rules when it comes to work. Among them includes integrity, ethics, no double-standards, personal hygiene (??!!), pro-activeness and needless to say, accountability.

I am having a quick chuckle as I reflect on that hour-long session cos just 3 hours later, my big boss broke one of them when he sent me an email that was unwarranted, and definitely unwanted on a day like today. To cut the long story short, he basically sarcastically accused me on being a non-team player cos I had sent him and the lady boss an email on steps that my crew has come up with to resolve the 60 people / 90 minutes of hell situation tomorrow. I was apparently “drawing lines and boundaries and not allowing other people to give their inputs.” I am miffed cos I think I was being pro-active and being accountable for the mess that ensued today on the shop floor.

~ ** ~

I have an 8.30 am meeting with the lady boss of the department. I have been summoned. I am thinking of my strategy in going into this meeting cos I know at the end of it, I might as well just walk in there, drop my pants, lean over her desk and say “Fuck me in the arse why don’tcha?!” And here’s the thing – it’s gonna be 90% about how I didn’t provide a low-fat milk option and why there were so many people at the testing.

~ ** ~

My colleague tried ringing me twice as I drove home. His girlfriend and him were dining around my area and he thought to ask me to join them cos he knows if I went home without dinner, I would end up not eating. It’s heart-warming to know that someone I’ve only known for a couple of months, can recognize the times when I need to be not alone and thought of sharing his private time with his lady, with me – the colleague from the office. My best buddy dines around here often enough with his girlfriend as well. But never once have I been asked along. Goes to show then yeah – friendship labels don’t go very far when you need it most.

~ ** ~

I need to get some time off somehow to get my foot looked at by a foot doctor, nice and proper. Not in the corridor of my kitchen when the lunch crowd is going in and out. The swelling has not gone done and now I can’t even run. Yeah – tried it this afternoon and ended up clutching the banister, wincing in pain. Well, I tell myself – maybe after a month or two, the foot will die on me and I’ll have to have it chopped off.

~ ** ~

All this – all these paragraphs above, would normally not be on my blog. It would have normally been in an email (or a few, depending) sometime thru today to the one person I talk to about everything (almost!) under the sun. It’s here cos that’s somehow stopped. And that was the thought heaviest on my mind as I trudged out of that hell’s hole earlier at quarter past 8. How long the days have become and how laden I feel at the end of it.

And how I miss my sounding board.

When is this all gonna end? The work? The misery? The living hell? The sadness?

Trust me when I say that I am not prolonging my misery just for the sake of having something to blog about when I get home.

It's not funny at all.