Monday, July 30, 2007

Setting Precedents

I'm staring at a cost estimation received and it ends with a whopping total of RM 38,650.00

This is the projected cost of how much we would need to spend if we engage a creative house to do our menus for us at work.

I'm in particular looking at a column, saying Menu Design & Visual which comes to RM 12,000.00 cos right now, my boss is asking me for a template of it.

I'm not sure in the event that my work for the next hour is good enough, if he's gonna send it in for approval and we roll with it. But when it comes to that... would he allow me to invoice for at least 10% of what it would have cost us?

I'm really apprehensive cos the last time I got myself into such a situation, I saved the school a lot of money, but it also took up a lot of my time.

It's called setting precedents.

Do I really wanna be sucked into this, here.. again?

Let's be ponderous for a mo'...

Sunday, July 29, 2007

You're very welcomed here

I took a chance today to socialise with my 2 kids. And it was a big chance cos it was with my new GM and his wife. AND it was to a road-side stall selling wanton noodles.

I was very apprehensive and right up to this morning, I was thinking of pulling out. But hey - you do not pull an aeroplane with your new boss *grin*

Seeing how the boss-man is new in town, from Switzerland (the Italian side) and nothing has been said about his wife, I wasn't too sure what to expect. Add to it is the fact that they do not have kids, hence I painted this picture of a pair of expatriates who might be a bit on the hoity-toity side.

But they surprised me! Totally and thoroughly as they played with the kids as if Lydia and Luke were their very own. My boss had no qualms of finishing Lydia's leftover. And they called her Princess and Luke - Champion. Needless to say, the kids opened up to them in a way seldom seen.

As we drove thru the city and I pointed out the sights, they looked around them taking in everything. It made me realise that cos we live here, we never take the time in the traffic jams to observe the intricate architecture of years past.

But my highlight of the night was when we drove past our workplace and I pointed it out to them. His wife let out a gasp and my boss had this excitement in his voice. Then he turned to me and said - Thank you. They do not have a car and I guess she has been trying to imagine what the place her husband works in looks like. So if not for tonight, she might have had to spend a few more weeks wondering.

My boss's wife speaks very little English and he had to stop mid-conversation ever so often to translate for her. But in whatever halting English skills she had, I knew for certain, tonight was the best night they both had since arriving here 2 weeks ago.

And I'm glad to have gone the mile to do this, to take them out, to get to know them.

As they say in Ireland as a standard greeting to any foreigner, "You're very welcomed here."

You bet ya Swiss-Italian butts you are *grin*


A Ponderous Fruit

It's been a rough and long-ride professionally, and to some extent personally.

No one believes that their life will turn out just kinda okay.

We all think we are going to be great.

Like a fish out of water, the last 5 months have been nothing but a roller-coaster ride with feelings of inadequacies, awkwardness and thorough ineptness.

And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.

But life doesn't always turn out the way we believe it to be. And when that happens, only "I" can turn the tides and move smoothly thru the shifting sands.

I know it's probably pained those closest to me as they tried to reach thru my cloud of doom and gloom. Many a times the past few months, I guess there have been occasions when they had probably wanted to slap me across the face and say - This is life! Get real!

Maybe it's cos I've had a time-out on Friday. Or maybe all the chantings surrounding me have finally sunk in.

ob·jec·tiv·i·ty ~ Noun
  1. The state or quality of being objective.
  2. External or material reality.
  3. Judgment based on observable phenomena and uninfluenced by emotions or personal prejudices.
In light of all the chaos that has been happening, I got caught up in the churn.

But you know what... many durians later.. I think I've gained objectivity.

I cannot carry the weight of the world on my shoulder. I'm not big enough for it.

I am but one. And I can only do so much.

I cannot try to save the world. But what little I try to save, I have made a difference in my space.

For like the fruit, get past the thorns... and a world full of rich flavours awaits!

It ain't called the King of Fruits for nothing!

Friday, July 27, 2007

Off

I'm on leave today.

I.Cannot.Bloody.Believe.It!

It's been so long that I've actually taken a day off... it's almost surreal! I'm almost afraid that my mobile would ring anytime now, with the office, asking - where the hell are you?!

Fingers, ears and toes crossed that it won't happen. That it's actually real. And I can go mall-ratting with my kids with peace of mind!

*Dance of Joy*

I'm on leave TODAY *Big S.E.G.*

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Quiet Chuckle

It's a rare quiet day. Well, not quite, but heck - I'm deciding it's gonna be quiet. And I'm here putting a quick entry into my blog.

I'm having a quiet chuckle to myself after checking my blog statistics.

I cannot help but feel this ~ how quickly one learns!

Here's the funny - what one seeks, might not necessarily be here. That's why flashlight and roadmaps are equally important too!

Yes - Al, this posting is intentionally being "fuzzy".

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Alone

As I was driving home today, at the end of yet another long day, with endless demands made on me and my sanity holding on by a thin thread.. I couldn't help but think that life was no good this way.

I have never felt so alone as I did today. The thought that there was no one I could turn to, who would understand where my fears and feelings of inadequacies are coming from. Who would understand the frustrations and the pain. Who would understand?

If I went missing today, did not make it home, would there be anyone who would know that I've gone missing?

Would you know that I've disappeared?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I truly, truly, truly... just wanna fade away and disappear....

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The whole point...

I've always had a strange relationship with my dad.

As a child, we were really close. Dad was always the one there cos Mum had to take care of my brother who was rather frail. It was Dad and me, everyday, after school. Of course, I didn't know then that he probably didn't have enough in his wallet for very much. Yet, without fail, he would ask me as he picked me up from kindy, if I had wanted my fave noodles for lunch.

I remember, this one time, when I was in Primary School, I didn't do too well for my mid-terms and I was so afraid to show my report to him. I even went to the extent of forging his signature on it but he caught on. I will never forget the way he smiled and ruffled my head as the teacher spoke to him. And how not an angry word was said afterwards at home in private.

Dad was always the joker, using his strange sense of humour in his effort to diffuse the situation.

I remember when I got my university offers to do my year in the UK. We hardly had enough to go by, yet he said to go and embrace the world. He even went the whole mile by letting me pick the one that was a 2 year programme, saying that the Lord would provide.

I am sitting here, running a fever and yet writing all this down when I should be in bed cos I feel so shitty that I got mad with my Dad this evening and cut him short. I felt bad that I thought, I could never do right in his eyes - have never done so and never will.

I cannot remember a time when I didn't want Dad to be proud of me. I used to think that it was only Mum that favoured my brother. I don't know when I felt I had to prove a point with my Dad as well.

And so it hits me hard and bad when I sit down, think about and realise this. That despite everything I've done wrong in my life, Dad will never think badly of me. In fact, if not anything else, Dad would probably give his life that nothing bad had ever happened to me.

I'm 32 this year. My dad is a year away from 60. For everything he's done for me in the last 32 years, I don't think I need to go give him grief just cos he doesn't say it.

To him, I would always be his lil girl at 10, and he would ruffle my head and say I'm good and did alright.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Glum without gum

What's worse ~ new wounds which are so horribly painful?
OR old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did?

The following is an excerpt of my thoughts from a year ago..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last one month, I have been living like an ostrich, keeping my head in the sand whenever something I don't like comes my way. Occasionally, I do poke my head out, to sniff about, but darting back in is what I have become good at.

It is good at times to know what the hell is going on, especially when the truth is an ugly dragon, waiting to bite me again in the arse. It's my stop-gap measure until I think I am ready to live and breathe amongst the living once again. Because being amongst the living would mean that I would be subjecting myself to external elements, of which I have no control of, particularly that of the state of mind and emotions.

In putting all these down, it is a statement that I am still around and I still know what the hell is going on with me, my life and I. Though I may seemed warped up, I am not. It is there, at the back of my head, in a cloud following me around. I am not that screwed up. Nor am I so insulated I do not feel happiness and joy, sadness and pain.

I am simply screwed in. But no worries mate - it ain't stewing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A year on, I can't confidently say anymore that I am simply screwed in and that it ain't stewing.

Maybe our old wounds teach us something ~ they remind us where we've been and what we've overcome.

Life seemed so bleak a year ago. And I remember telling myself that if I fast-forward a year ahead, everything would be fine.

They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it?

I am here. Now. A year ahead.

Some things we just have to learn - over, and over, and over again.

I must have been a dum-dum to have believed myself then.



Mac Tonight


For some strange reason, while walking from my car to my apartment block, I had an overwhelming urge to go sit at McDonald's tonight and have breakfast at 4 in the morning.

It's been a long time since I've done something like that.

I think it's about time I did it again.

Maybe, not tonight. But some night soon.

McMuffin anyone?

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The Acid Test

A friend of mine once commented about the state of my life, re the intricate web that I have weaved for myself when it comes to Lydia and Luke having a father figure via their relationship with Puppy.

His comment went like this:
"You can see the measure of a guy when you put him at the dinner table with Lydia, Luke and Sen, and have him watch them call him "Daddy" over and over and over again."

I didn't have to go that far. I think it was enough that after greeting hello, Lydia followed it with a question to me of "Is Daddy coming as well?"

Needless to say, the Acid Test was as it is called - acidic. And it wasn't even a social call. It was just a drop-off visit.

I suppose in reflection, it's alright. Especially when we've had such a good weekend already with the kids having really quality time at home.

As far as I can see it, it's not a bad thing. The picture is already as good as it can be for the children.


We as adults, will just have to adopt a cat and cope.



Saturday, July 21, 2007

Churning ID10Ts

It doesn't take a lot to convert potentially smart individuals into pure, thoroughbred idiots these days.

Just take them, stuff them into a room that's lined with pew after pew of tables and chairs, make them write as some older person spews out lines of text from a book.

Keep doing this for about 11 years without asking these individuals for any form of financial commitment. And throw in another 4 for good measure. Once again, without any form of financial commitment from these individuals.

At the end of the road, throw a big conferment event where you deposit into their open palms a scroll with a wax seal, and there you have it folks: A brand new bunch of IDiots with their license to ruin the rest of your life.

I know it's probably an extremely unfair generalitsation of the Malaysian education system. But I have good reason for this rant, so hear me out.

I am still in the process of interviewing candidates for various positions without my charge at work. A couple of days ago, some CVs that I am reviewing for interview shortlist, had some questions that I wanted to clarify. Being the do-er that I am, I picked up the phone and rung. Out of the 3 calls I made, I only managed to speak to 1 in person and left 2 voicemails. 1 rung back by the end of the day. The other rung me this morning. 10 times. From 1.03 am to 1.25 am.

Not only could she not speak English well, she had utterly no common sense as well. I mean, if I didn't pick up the first time, leave a message and I'll ring back. NOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo! She had to keep ringing until I picked up.

To think said-person holds a Bachelor of Science in Food Technology, with a CGPA of 3.40 out of 4.0!

So yes, with my sleep disrupted this morning, can you seriously blame me if I think our education system, base and tertiary, has failed the rest of us?!

What good is education when it's only book-learning? What good is education when it's a one-way knowledge transfer? What good is education when a graduate cannot tell the wrongness of ringing a potential employer at 1 in the morning?

Education should be about teaching one to develop a sense of thought. For what use is education when it's only meant to create a nation of paper-holders without any form of rationale and logic? And yes, the government should start charging so that they could employ decent people who understands the meaning of education.

It just ain't right I tell ya.

Someone should stand in front of the entryway to Putraja with a card saying - Save the Trees! Stop Mass Education!

As for the girl - the first words she said when I answered was "Good Night". Yes- good night for sure! I had no choice but to be brutally honest by telling her that I had rung 48 hours before in consideration for a job, but as such she is no longer considered for an interview.

She's darn luck I was only in mid-dream and not in mid-shag.

It.Could.Have.Been.Very.Bloody.

Life's simple pleasure

Sometimes, our brain chooses to store up certain tastes, smells, emotions, etc for no particular reason or rhyme. And it's one of those things that you can recall with crystal clarity anytime you want.

One of such things for me is the taste of peppermint cake, which I had once, when I was 10 years old. It was light, airy and cool. Not too sweet and not too minty. I remember feeling like Oliver Twist, wanting to go up to the hostess and ask, "Please Mam, may I have some more?" but didn't cos I was sure to be frowned on by my gramps.

And over the course of 22 years, I have lingered at cakeshop windows, hoping that one of them have gotten adventurous and started to make this delight. But, I have yet to be surprised.

Until yesterday ~ a box with a red ribbon, arrived bearing a big butter cake with peppermint sherina icing on it.

Right up till now, the morning after, I still feel like I've died and gone to Mint Heaven.

For both the cake and the thought of it.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Mad-house

It's quite amazing how the presence of THE government can be so severely imposed onto one's life without you realising it.

The last 2 days has been absolutely a mad-house cos the Ministry of Health was coming round to the hospital where I work to check-it-out prior to issuing the license to operate. I could try to be funny and say that in its present state, it would really be giving us the License to Kill *grin*

So far, 4 hours into the visit, all I have observed is the amount of eating that goes on with governmental officials.

Welcome morning tea took 2 hours. A 30 minute walk round the 1st 2 floors so that it ends with lunch on the 3rd floor. From the looks of things, I could have spent my last 48 hours inserting anti-governmental slogans into my standard operating procedures and gotten away with it!

Am I shocked? Am I disgusted? Not really. Afterall, everyone kinda assumes that while we've been pushing stuff out for the past 2 days, slaving into the night and all, some of these chaps have properly been going car-shopping for the latest Beamer.

Anyways, enough said.

That's what I've been up to for the last 2 days anyways.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Imagination

If I let my imagine run wild its course...

It'll probably soar through the skies and everyday would be a darn fine day.

It'll probably feel as if I can do anything, and can get anything that my lil heart desires.

It'll probably feel as if I am eternally loaded up on happy pills.

It was good today.. to just let go.. no fears.. no inhibitions...

It's been far too long since I've been able to be just myself.. without worrying about what the other thought..

And it's the first time in weeks since I actually laughed out loud *smiles*

Down Barbsie Down

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Shooter Count

Looking at my labels, I have had more Blue Stuff than Lychee Liquer in the last 2 months.

It's time for a change. Things cannot always be so blue.

And while it's my favourite colour, I don't think it suits me well at all.

It's time to take control back of my life, my mind, my thoughts and my emotions.

So maybe it's apt that I remind myself of words I came up with 3 months ago... which went something like this:

So yes. The time has come today ~

To be brave with a focus on the end.
To be vocal with a message to share.
To stand up and be counted for who I really am.
To cry with real sorrow, and not hurt or pain.
To laugh with joy, and not cycnism.
To let go of a big sack of potatoes.
To sit down and let time heal all wounds.

For time is perpetual. And it resets itself to where your present is. And it moves only when you do something about it.


Toasted

When I first started my blog(s), it was more of a platform for me to put my dark and twisty thoughts down before they grew into maggots in my head, and chewed me inside out.

As far as I can remember, the written word has always been my preferred form of communication. A then-boyfriend even once asked, "Is this where I go sit in my car and we continue this issue on SMS?" when I decided to clam shut during an argument.

So for those who know me, when Barbsie's humour or self goes AWOL, the first place to look for the
sign of times would be here.

It's funny then this morning, that I sit and write about The Thinking Blogger award which was kindly bestowed on to yours truly by Puppy - he who once refused to venture onto my blog-site and who has since decided I write good enough to add me onto his list of frequently read blogs *grin*

Anyways, as part of this toast, I am suppose to:
  1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
  2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
  3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote
I'm sorry to say that I do not read enough of blogs to be able to come up with 5 that makes me think. But those that do are:

Brain Spillage
Needless to say, this is fast becoming one of those merry-go-rounds that Puppy would not be able to get off from *grin* Let's face it, there is no one else that I know of who has the time, energy, interest and ingenuity to search for pictures that make your sides ache from laughter, but yet wonder - how did i missed that? Additionally, when he feels like it, the way he looks at his world, can be quite insightful.

About Nude Not Naked
I came across this blog cos a good friend of mine says that the author is kinda like my mirror image. I went into reading it cos of her
miniboyfriends, but once I got there, I did not want to leave. Raw, down-to-earth, this girl has got no qualms about writing down the stuff that we girls think about but never say. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry.. and yes, she makes you think!

Alwyn Lau
One of the smartest dudes I know (yes - currently ranking as smarter than his boss *wink*), Al's blog veers towards theology, religion, God-and-I. And it's worth a visit, especially if you're one of those without a religious anchor in life. Go on.. give faith a chance by letting Al start the clogs in your head moving...

So there you have it folks ~ a short list of my online influences *grin*Now, if you wondered why I'm
sounding more and more 'surreal', fuzzy... could it be that it's cos me thinks too much and doesn't think enough?

Anyways, it's a great way to start off the week... I've been toasted Silver!








Saturday, July 14, 2007

A rush of blood, to no where

im·pulse ~ noun

  • An impelling force; an impetus.
  • The motion produced by such a force.
  • A sudden wish or urge that prompts an unpremeditated act or feeling; an abrupt inclination
  • A motivating force or tendency

Earlier this week, I decided that my world was getting way to fuzzy and grey. And because I cannot handle areas of uncertainty, and because I am too proud to talk about them out-loud, I took the easy way out. It was an impulsive move. For in the ensuing silence and self-imposed isolation, the questions only ring louder.

At any given moment, the brain has 14 billion neurons firing at a speed of 450 miles per hour. We do not have any control over most of them. The body naturally follows it's impulses, which is part of what makes it so hard for us to control ours. Of course, sometimes we have impulses we would rather not control, that we later wish we had.

This also had to be this same week that the sky is falling down for the one who did not see it coming, nor deserved bearing the brunt of a Brash Barbsie episode. I think the one night when he needed me to be there for him, as his sounding board, I decided to put my isolation plan into action, and head off to bed.

Judging from his stance today, I suppose he took it as a signal that I was really into going into my spirals of dark and twisted-ness. And that all he's written in this last week has resulted in nothing.

So yes.. Once again, damage is done where damage was not due. At least, not when the haze has cleared up and all.

The body is a slave to its impulses. But the thing that makes us human - is what we can control. After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment has passed, we can cool off and clean up the messes we've made.

So yeah.. I suppose I had it coming. And now faced with the opportunity of a quiet weekend, being caged out, I guess I just have to learn..

We can try to let go of what was. But then again..

Some things and some people are just not worth giving in to the impulse.

Friday, July 13, 2007

All worth it

So quickly it's now Friday. And it's been a tough week at work.

But you know what? It was all made worthwhile yesterday, near 5 p.m.

For the simple reason that I was able to start the ball rolling on changing a 40-something-year old chappie's life by convincing the team to give him a shot at a job opening.

It's just the beginning, I know. And the rest is very much up to him.

For me - it's really simple to see where I'm coming from. I tried my best and my best is good enough for now.

And that, is good enough for me to look forward to the weekend ahead.

And by gollyme! It's been a long time since we've had a Mango Liquer here *grin*

Happy Friday the 13th y'all!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Blurred Visions Sealed

un·der·stand ~ verb

  • To perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend.
  • To be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of.
  • To assign a meaning to; interpret.
  • To grasp the significance, implications, or importance of.
  • To regard as firmly communicated; take as agreed or settled.
  • To learn or hear.
  • To accept as true; believe. wrong.
  • To construe in a particular way.
  • To supply mentally (something that is not expressed).
I do not understand any of it.

I tried.

I didn't get it and I still don't.

I am befuddled.

I'm suppose to have escaped into my lil cocoon to recover.

I'm trying not to over-analyse it.

I'm failing.

I do not understand.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Au Dieu

It's gone all lop-sided. I hate it when that happens.

And because I am not as cool as you are .. Or as adapt at compartmentalising life... And cos I honestly never meant to harbour any addiction... I'm cashing in your exit pass. As much as I cannot justify it logically, I'm gonna do it anyway.

The only thought that comes to mind, is how I can never explain to you how sorry I am for doing this. As time passes... this too shall pass from your memory as you go on your way.

I wish I could be more eloquent about it... to give departure some form of poetic justice and send-off.. But I can't. My words are failing me. My gift is gone.

And it's ironic... that it's the 9th of July.

I barked up the wrong side of the tree. It's should have been the left side of the cedar, not the right.

I'm sorry for being the one to say goodbye.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Great Expectations

Expectations kill ~ Anything and everything it touches.

I hate having expectations.

I need to shut down that part of the brain that formulates expectations cos I cannot handle it. Having expectations on others, and others having expectations of me.

Yet, I do not know how to live when there's no expectations in life, and of life.

Maybe that's why I'm destined to be always chasing my own tail.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

The First Branch

In order to know where I'm going, I need to know where I want to end up at.And you cannot think or figure out the way, when there are noise about you. As such, this morning is the start of a self-imposed sanction. A time-out.

And I'm gonna do this the scientific way by using a 7-step critical thinking process. 7 days. 7 days of possible ups and downs. But it has to be done. And the plan is:

D1 - Saturday: Identify why you want to make the decision, and how it will impact your life.

  • Do I think will change or happen in my life as a result of making this decision?
  • How will making this decision affect significant others in my life?
  • Do I have any ulterior motives?
D2 - Sunday - Look at a wide range of alternatives. Don’t limit yourself to just a few obvious choices.
  • What are the alternative courses of action that I have examined?
  • Are there any other possibilities?

D3 - Monday - Consider all the negative consequences as well as the positive consequences that might flow from each alternative.

  • Pay special attention to the pros and cons involved in each of your alternative.

D4 - Tuesday - Search for new information that will help you evaluate your alternatives.

  • Are there any alternatives that I haven’t considered?
  • Is my information current?
  • Have I spoken with others who have made a similar decision?
  • Will this decision have a positive impact on my life?

D5 - Wednesday - Pay attention to all new information, even if it doesn’t support your first preference.

  • Have I carefully considered the options that are not my preference?
  • Am I too scared to consider any of the other alternatives?
  • Am I being as open minded as I possibly can around this decision?
D6 - Thursday - Re-examine the positive and negative consequences of all your possible choices – even the ones you’ve already rejected – before you make a final decision.

Positive consequences do not outweigh one negative consequence
if that negative consequence is something you just couldn’t live with!

D7 - You make your decision.

D8 - Saturday - Make plans for carrying out your decision, paying special attention to problems that might come up.
  • How am I going to carry through with my decision?
  • Are there other supports that I need to acquire?
  • Do I have a back-up plan in case this decision does not go through the way I think it will?
It has to be done.

The Right Side of the Cedar

We often find that we drift because we've lost our anchor. And today was no exception yet again for me. I have been feeling this way a lot lately. And it bugs the living daylights out of me - it's a grey area. And I don't do well with grey areas.

However, I am a little bit more at peace with myself, after having spent the last few hours sitting with my best buddy, getting bitten by mosquitoes, drinking mildly flavoured bourbon with coke. It's not so much that I had spent quality time with my person, but cos we spoke of things that we've kinda skirted around the last few weeks. And as they say - acknowledgment is the key to recovery.

Welcome into my house, come along and follow me
To a place that you've never been, a mystic fantasy
Take a ride and go with me in a time and a space
I'll show you things that you never knew, existed in another place
~ Welcome into tomorrow by Snap ~

Analyse this

When you make new friends in a brand new town
And you start to think about settling down

The things that would have been lost on you are now clear as a bell

And you find yourself ~ That’s when you find yourself
~ Find yourself by Brad Paisley ~

Someone whom you can say is close to me told me from Day 1 that I over-analyse things. That I am always flipping the rock over to look for the creepy-crawly that is hiding in it. And while I may brush it off, it is true. And that is what Chemical Shooter is for - my space to turn things over and over and over again out loud. And while it's good that I stop, gain perspective and put things into its proper scope, it can hamper life's progress as the eye tends to create the image of flaw, when there really isn't any.

Pushing yet needing

Doubts of our conviction follow where we go
And when the world's compassion ceases still I know

For your every touch I thank you so much

For your every kiss I wish you love
I wish you heaven
~ I wish you heaven by Prince~

Partly cos I am always thinking steps ahead, trying to determine how to bring the bat to the curve ball and make it into a home run, I push away the people I need the most. I have done it so many times, that it's become almost second nature to me. And it hurts me so much whenever I think that it's time I start to push someone away.. cos deep down inside, I know that it means the person has reached a level in my life when I need them so. The people I love will not always walk away from me. It's not always going to "freaking happen." This line of thought has to stop somewhere and sometime... soon.

Building relationships

I rolled on as the sky grew dark
I put the pedal down to make some time

There's something good waiting down this road

I'm picking up whatever is mine
~ Running down a dream by Tom Petty ~

And from the above, I have to accept that I am not all that emotionally damaged. Try as I may be, I'm actually not. Call it being hopeful. Call it being forgiving. I should have known earlier - much earlier - that if I didn't know how to build relationships, the very same people I push away, would not still be here today. They wouldn't feel the need to convince me that the relationship is worth something. I should know that in receiving, I have also been giving. And that these people I hold dear to me, are clear-headed enough to know that for a fact. And that is why the relationship is not lop-sided. And that as much as I need and love them, they too, love me.

Ac·knowl·edg·ment ~ noun

  • An act of acknowledging.
  • Recognition of the existence or truth of something.
  • An expression of appreciation.
  • A thing done or given in appreciation or gratitude.
I think it's time, as the countdown towards becoming 32 begins, for me to give credit to some things in my life that has always been, is as it is now, and will always be.

We're just who we are, there's no pretending
It takes a while to learn to live in your own skin
Say a prayer that we might find our happy ending
And if you're in ~ you know I'm in
I'm ready and I'm willing
And I ain't got no halo hanging over my head
I ain't gonna judge you
I'm just here to love you
I AM
~ I am by Bon Jovi ~



Thursday, July 5, 2007

Till we ain't strangers anymore

I had yet another near fall-out with my best buddy this morning… as we stood over the ledge of a drain, he grew increasing frustrated at how I am intentionally disobeying his wished, and I grew increasing disenchanted with how everyone thinks I should lead my life.

I wished we didn’t have to have this scenario play out at least once a week. But for it not too, would entail one of the following:
1) Best buddy or I cutting each other out from our respective lives,
2) Best buddy coming to terms with Barbsie’s world,
3) Barbsie doing what Best Buddy wants her to do.

I’m not complaining, nor am I bitching. I’m just frustrated cos Best Buddy and I parted ways as we did not want to continue walking on eggshells around each other.. and here we are – back at square one. Bon Jovi sang it in a song - It might be hard to be lovers but its harder to be friends. And it's so true in this instance.

And as I have the song play over and over and over again, to silence the maggots screaming in my head.. I want to laugh out loud. Cos isn’t it funny how some songs, just have all the right words in it? Maybe that what make songwriters good and albums sell. Cos 8 lil notes, strung together with words made up from 26 alphabets in someone else’s hands, can project what is hidden in your head.

Don't mind me today. I’m just sad. Sad that my best person on earth, who can share every other aspect of my life with me, cannot share this phase of my life with me. I don’t know how else to say it… I just don’t. Each time we try to talk about it, it just escalates into an argument.

I just wished that we could talk till we’re not strangers anymore.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Chances are

chance ~ noun

  • The unknown and unpredictable element in happenings that seems to have no assignable cause.
  • The likelihood of something happening; possibility or probability.
  • An accidental or unpredictable event.
  • A favorable set of circumstances; an opportunity.
  • A risk or hazard; a gamble.
I am known in my circle of friends and work associates to be one that often does not favour taking chances. A financial way of phrasing it would be to say I am extremely risk-adverse. And it is not contained purely to the professional environment, but also extends to my personal life.

To take a step forward would entail many nights to endless discussions with myself, and many conversations with the moon. Often than naught, I would find myself back at square one; where things are black and white to me, and sometimes, me alone.

On my drive home today, I sat in the heat and traffic and thought about how I have not yet to do anything about my Grand Plan of building my own bed & breakfast (B&B). In less than 2 months, I will be turning 32 - that's a total of 11 years of talk, and nothing to show for.

When I interviewed for my present job, my answer to the question Where do you see yourself 5 years from now, I had boldly stated the coming true of my Grand Plan. Yet, I have not done anything about it. Not even commit my thoughts to paper. Maybe it's not so much the business risk that I fear ~ I believe in a couple of years to come, I would be more than ready to commit to a project of such proportions. But the truth is, I'm afraid to take the chance risk of actually being a position to fail myself and my dream.

Likewise, the highlight of my day today was a 30-second slash-and-dash encounter. Why it was not more, one can only hazard a guess that maybe work commitments had beckoned. But the truth is, while it was something to look forward to (I actually wore my good suit!), it was also me negotiating around the risk of seeing a bright smile light up as I cross the foyer of the center, and tomorrow or the day after not being the same cos of this 30-seconds.

Napoleon Bonaparte once said ~ The torment of precautions often exceeds the dangers to be avoided. It is sometimes better to abandon one's self to destiny.

I can talk until the cows come home but if I do not change my stand on life and face up to my fears by putting it for the rest of the world to read, except for those whose opinions matter ~ I will almost always err on the side of caution.

At the end of the day, the words of Walter Anderson rings nothing but truth:

Our lives improve only when we take chances - and
The first and most difficult risk we can take is
to be honest with ourselves.





State your intentions

Thurgood Marshall, an American jurist and lawyer once said:

Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experience is the intent behind the words.


When we intend to do good ~ we do.

When we intend to do harm, it happens.

What each of us must come to realise is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it.

What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent.

And I cannot help but reflect on his words, and its meaning to ChemicalShooter's existence, and the words of a wise-woman said over lunch today. For as much as we say that it was nothing, it never is nothing.

I guess I have to sit and ponder... do I really wanna know where I stand.. or is where I'm standing fine enough for me? Are things really all that black and white, or am I imagining it to be turning grey? And if it is really turning grey, am I alright with dealing with grey areas and leaving my cards behind?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

I wish I had the wisdom of Mr Marshall. Maybe then, I would have the answers to these questions.

Maybe all will be clear once I acknowledge what my intent is.

Maybe I need to cut all wires and be a mini-mouse.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Girlfriends

I realised today that in a year from now, two of my closest girlfriends would be too far away to catch me when I fall.

The 2 ladies who I have come to trust enough, to bare my soul to... Oh what am I going to do? Who am I going to call when I overdose on vodka and 7Up? Who's going to understand when I go off the beaten track of life?

Sure, I have my boys.

But somethings, only a girl would understand...

I never thought I would come to rely on girls.

I must be growing old.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Goo-goo-berries

per·spec·tive ~ noun

  • a technique of depicting volumes and spatial relationships on a flat surface.
  • a picture employing this technique, esp. one in which it is prominent.
  • a visible scene, esp. one extending to a distance; vista.
  • the state of existing in space before the eye.
  • the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one.
  • the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship.
  • a mental view or prospect.
Things have been a bit of a blur. There really is no reason for it to be. Despite the weekend that has been. Maybe it's cos I've gotta really good at sweeping things under the carpet.

I'm not one for great, long conversations. I can write down everything that's been bottled up in my head, but try getting me to say things out loud, and nothing comes to mind. It irks the ones closests around me for they find themselves having to sniff out the true state of my mind, thoughts and perspective thru my musings. Sometimes it works out well. Sometimes it boils over like a weak, tasteless broth.

Maybe I've grown lousy at speaking my mind cos my perspective of my own thoughts are skewed. Skewed to the point where I know that there is probably no one else in this world would be able to 1) understand, 2) accept, 3) not laugh out loud, and 4) shake their head in despair.

Maybe that's why I wanna move to Spain. At least that way, when people don't understand me and my thoughts, I can conveniently write it off to the language barrier.

I know. It's another load of bull.

Well, for now.. bull's a lot easier to sleep with at night than the raw facts of life.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Alienation

Last night, I watched the night play out in front of me in a state of surreality.

I took myself out of my lil pigeon hole box, lest I had another episode. And headed off to the house-warming party.

I shall be eternally grateful to my girl-person Mandy for coming along to hold my hand. She didn't have to. But she did when I asked. And she's always been there. From the time when I first packed up my things and moved out of the house I tried to build a home with Lydia's biological father. To the time when I lived out the boot of my car. She offered me a bed for the night, and a shoulder to cry on. She was there when the things in the boot finally found this place to call home. And so, she was there again last night.

It was a great party and we had a lot of laughs. I surprised myself that I took questions like "Barbara - may I use your bathroom?" and "Barbs - do you guys have any ketchup in the house?", with good humour. It's been 13 months. Time to put that behind me. Or maybe, time to really let go of the fact that it has been 13 months already.

It was surreal cos at the back of my mind was the memory of how I let my thread of reality go earlier during the day and so nearly went off the edge.

And it was painful cos another person was caught up in the whole process of me breaking down the barrier and being honest. Sometimes I find it hard to reconcile him to a lot of the scenarios in life. But when he said that after reading A Glass Full of Bitter, he went and sipped his drink at a cafe for the longest time, it tore at me cos the visual of it was too vivid to bear.

I'm not getting too involved. Nor am I in love. It's just a state where you cannot find a definition to put to it cos everything is either too cheap or too serious.

And maybe it was because I know that a definition could swing things either way.. I run. Run for the life of me to hide. And because I think that it doesn't matter when I run and hide, I forgot of how the found actually anguish over the lost. I forgot of milk cartons with pictures of people and the words "Have you seen her?" in bold across the top.

I alienate people cos they can only tolerate the wait for me to come out of my hell-hole for so many times. Cos even though you say that you've got your torchlight ready and a map builder in hand, and how you will learn to read my signs as they come along... I know that you can only sit and sip your drink for that often. One fine day, you're gonna end up feeling as helpless as Pups did, for even he could can only reassure for so many times before he started to question his own ability in all the helplessness.

I see so many things now this Sunday morning. And if I had a thick leather belt, I'd take it to my own behind.

Sometimes, I question my own sanity. And my own ability to love and cultivate relationships.

Today is one of them.

I think I should go back to bed.