A Chorus Line

I only have one prayer today and it goes something like this..."Please make the right decision, the one that you know is the one I want you to make - Not because you think I'd be pissed if you didn't do so. But because it's what you want to give me." 

Options are there because that is who I am - the one who goes and purposely opens windows and doors, just so the feeling of being trapped doesn't have the opportunity to arisen and awake. Yet, I know now, that giving options are more dangerous than opening doors. It builds walls that then create a box, leaving you feeling more trapped than ever.

It's all finally sunk in. Or rather, the demons have finally caught up with me over a week of hide-and-seek. My lil head has wrapped itself over the magnitude of what was said over the weekend. And my lil heart is not ready for that - it's cracked and in the process of breaking to a million pieces.

So please.. as the clock ticks away towards the end of your seven days, please, please, please make the right decision....

Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love

Untitled

In about an hour, I'd be sitting down to dinner with Ben - something we have not done in like a month. Yeah - precisely! And that's just the physical "I haven't seen you in a month!" part. Cos in my imperfect world, that also includes a whole month of being conversation-less.

And I guess that is the hardest part - the "when I don't see you, work is almost all I do" bit.

But here I am, wondering if I have been any worse off the last 30 days. Sure, there were days when it became utterly unbearable. But for the most part, I do not recall being unhappy. And if you really asked me, I'd tell you that the dips came when my colleagues left KL after concluding their business. So that was 2 dips in the 1 month. 

Which brings me then to my next line of thought - Have I conditioned myself to withstand the distance and the lack of communication? Or it doesn't matter either way to me? Both the former and the latter scares the hell out of me.

It really truly does.

From the heart

"What's the median score looking like?" I was asked by one of my colleagues a couple of days ago just before lunch. "There's this one candidate that we may need to adjust the scores a little to make sure she gets in."

It's normally unheard off. But this is what I've learned in the last few days when it comes to getting into our group of universities to study medicine - whatever you say, it has to come from the heart.

And it's not always the easiest thing to do, especially when you're a young adult and the people you're opening up to are absolute strangers. And this is the separation point - those who can, are deemed to have what it takes - cos 90% of the time, your patients would be absolute strangers.

If you can prove to these seasoned physicians and surgeons that you can cross that chasm, you would have proven that you are here because you really want to. You would have proven that even if you lack some smarts, you will work your butt off to make up for it. You would have proven that you will not be mediocre. You would have proven that you have the heart to achieve greatness.

And the same principle applies in everything that every one of us does - it has to come from the heart. Or else it would mean nothing.

Borrowed Words Again

Such a grueling day - physically and mentally. And I shudder when I think of the next 2 weeks, and the months ahead. Let's not even go to where we reach deep inside and think of the years ahead.

In all honesty, I have been drowning these past couple of weeks, living some kinda of hell that lies in the land of denial. And it all came crashing down this evening, when I looked at my phone and saw a familiar name and number.

Because it's so late into the day (or early in the morning), and because I've just written a detailed report for the bosses, I have but to borrow words again...

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

I've said it before.. and I'll say it again.. I love you but I bloody hate your job! And I'm now adding to it your complex rules for living a simple life!

Things from my head

I'm in a whining mood tonight. Well, I haven't exactly winged it out as yet but it's there, boiling slightly beneath the surface of things.

There can be so many things for me to complain about tonight. And yes, right up there would be the cause of a bag that taunts me each time I drive by. But here's the thing that's stopping me from having a right go: my number whine would be about a billboard? WTF?! Besides, haven't I already decided that I like the look of a bag that was described as a "Hermes look-a-like" at under RM 90?!

I've gotta let it go. Accept the fact that if I want to bask in that, I can always go lie on my parents' couch instead. Which would always be better cos 1) it's a nice comfy couch to have a lie-in on and 2) it brings me home.

I've gotta let it go. Accept the fact that some people can be so self-righteous on the outside but so hypocritical on the inside. Which is good cos it taught me first-hand never to trust the hand that fed you, especially if it was ill-maintained just to show.

I've gotta let it go. Accept the fact that if I'm having a bad day, week or moment, I do not have the luxury of running off to a corner, picking up the phone and dialing a number. Which is good cos it forces me to sit down, take a moment and think it out on my own, exercise that rationale a bit on my own. And if I can't fight it over, I always have the option of tipperty-tapping it away in an email for you to read at your leisure. And knowing me, it'll still be beef to me then.

It's the 6th day of the new year - and I do not want to set the tone for the rest of the year to be so. Especially when there are so many other things to concern myself with. 

I shall sleep tonight, forming things (thoughts) in my head and visualise it bit by bit, piece by piece. Then as I drift off to my la-la-land, I shall release these things out into the world.

Tomorrow, it shall be.

Tennessee Lines

I didn't expect my first posting of the year to be one of this nature. A recounting of how I lost my first battle of the year with my demons.

When a call goes unanswered, a text unresponded to ... I go into this battle with my past.

I don't know why it's come back to haunt me. I truly don't. But if I don't get to the bottom of it, I know of only one path that it will lead to.

I feel stupid right now. Stupid and silly. And only that wee bit tall. And I grow smaller as the drums (literally) play back in my head.

Some folks are built for relationships. Some folks are not. Question: which folk do I belong to?

I need to cross my Tennessee line so that I can let go off my demons and start living without.

I'm so sorry I  doubted you (again!).