Ready, Set... Go!

Luke has been muttering that today is the last day of December and how tomorrow would be January. The concept of tomorrow being the 1st day of 2009 and today being the last of 2008 has yet to kick in with him. Lydia on the other hand, is worried with the change of year tomorrow; people she loves are going to start dying. Me – tomorrow appears to be coming around as just another day. I just need to remember to sign off dates with ‘09’ instead of ‘08’.

But it is more than just another day isn’t it? For most people, it would be the starting block to push off in new directions, goals, promises and dreams. But as I wrote on Christmas Day, it should be Christmas every day, and the same applies for the New Year.

“Every choice has an end result” says Zig Ziglar on my never-ending calendar for the day. And 2008 I would have to say, would be the year where I made the most conscious choices since 1975. Oh okay – maybe not 1975, but probably since 1990. Yes – I am one of those, who ‘go with the flow’ even though I am a control freak. But the last 365 days saw me thinking things thru very thoroughly and then making my choices based on the best set of circumstances and consequences.

As with all decisions, there have been the good, the bad and of course, the dark and twisted too. But to take stock, on an overall count, I would have to declare 2008 a pretty good year to me.

There are plenty to be grateful for and I cannot let the date change without making a list of them. So here goes:

1. My family – mum, dad, Lydia and Luke who has been my constant driver to do better than I have ever done.
2. My best buddy – The Bear who has also been officially adopted by Mum and Dad as their “eldest” son, and who is still my best buddy despite it all.
3. My best girlfriend – Mandy whose life has changed in so many ways we did not expect a year ago, but nonetheless have remained my best girlfriend in between pumps and nappy changes!
4. My bosses – Past and present. These are two individuals who have helped me see that I deserve more than a casual “Um” and broke me out of that box.
5. My ex-staff – They have become my adopted family and even tho time have moved on, they still remain the 2nd home that welcomes me back with open arms and yummy food, no matter what the weather is outside.
6. My unexpected surprise of the year – Who shall remain nameless and faceless, but without him I would not be a sack of potatoes lighter and looking forward to the dawn of each new day. 
7. God – for constantly catching me every time I fall and always opening doors, windows and crevices, AND pointing the follow-spot towards that direction.

The Jews call it Lezikaron: The importance of looking forward as well as remembering the past. And while the list can go on and on and on, as with the Oscars, we shall place a limit on it.

For at the end of the day, of this year we call 2008, as with every other day of our lives, let us always live it knowing that each second, each minute, each hour and each person we encounter – it is always a blessing to be still alive, breathing and living.

Happy New Year’s to one and all. 

May we move forward towards more of the joyful 

and strength to handle the sorrowful!

Green

“On the morning after your first night there, wake up and look out the window. Just enjoy the peace, the quiet and the fresh air. Then go make yourself a nice breakfast.”

And indeed I did. It’s kinda warm and not quite as breezy as I expected it to. But then again, I’m only on the 7^th floor.

Cornflakes, eggs, bacon, yogurt and coffee. That’s what I just had and it was strange to cook without having to fight the food from sliding off the pan.

I’m still getting used to the idea of living on this side of the Valley. Most of you might be wondering – what’s the fuss about? Let’s just say it’s one of them things you would find hard to understand, unless you’ve lived there.

I am also having a bit of an orientation issues. Most of the places I see near where I now live do not appeal to me. I had to fight the urge to run back to The Curve just to buy drinking water and eggs. Ended up in Subang cos at least there’s some familiarity in those shops.

I suppose it’s a question of time, taking the time to get use to things. I have a whole different set of friends who now live nearby. And yes, I do so look forward to hanging out more with them. As for the old ones living on that side of the Valley – heck, we work round the corner from each other so it’s no biggie.

The house isn’t exactly 100% there yet. For starters, gotta give it a clean and find the rubbish chute to chuck out the unpacking junk.

But we’ll get there… soonish!

From the Heights

Hello all.

I’m writing to you from my new study in my new home. Amazing, the move was completed in under 3 hours. And in sure Barbsie style, loaded with excitement.

Not having spent a night here, I have already had to ring for a locksmith. For some strange reason, my front door locked on its own and we (The Bear and I), couldn’t get the key going. But ah – what’s Barbsie in a new home, without locking herself out eh?

So far, almost all the rooms are done. And for once, nothing is left in a box. I’ve even got two living area! And yes, it is done in such a manner, it shows off the space that I now have.

I am very proud and pleased with myself, I must say. It was no mean feat, accomplishing this.

And on that note, a very, Very, VERY BIG “THANK YOU” goes out to the Bear who lived true to his word of helping me move!

Come on round soonish ya? Right after I reload my fridge with foodie!

Up, Up and Away...

I.Am.Pooped.

Tired beyond belief. But I am damn proud of me, myself and I. Oh yes – and my wee two hands.

This is the last blog that I am going to be posting from this pigeon hole that I have called ‘home’ for the last 2 years, 6 months and 28 days.

Every box is sealed and ready to go. I am quite pleased actually that I have kept my junk down to a minimum of 5 boxes. A far cry from the time when the numbers spanned into double-digits. The fridge is shut down and the telly will be unplugged in the morning. Every item that needs to go has been moved into the dining room.

There is a pang that is slightly bittersweet. I can still remember the day I moved in here, with my pillows in tow and a few pieces of RM 20.00 foam mattresses. Mandy was helping me carry my stuff and it must have been quite the sight that she told me to go stay with her instead.

Many things have taken placed in this house. Many conversations with myself, and with others.

In the midst of all the harrying here and there and smelling like something the cat dragged in, I told Ben I was quitting this shift. That I was gonna ring my landlord up and say – Oops, I’ve changed my mind! But as he rightfully said: The next place I move to is gonna really be HOME, and that would be where life would start a new chapter. And that it was about time I lived properly, and not falling down.

So yes, in that light (and the light of all my other friends) – we say farewell to unit A213A of Palm Springs. It’s been real super occupying this space in the sky with you. I hope you give as much pleasure to the next occupants as you did me. And I hope they give you as much laughter and cheer as I gave you!

Onward bound now ~ till I update next from the Pearl Tower!

 

 

Is It Ending Already?

Life is full of sweet surprises, everyday's a gift

The sun comes up and I can feel it lift my sprit

It fills me up with laughter, it fills me up with song

I look into the eyes of love and know that I belong

I’m not one of those who send forwarded festive messages. No two years would you find a text greeting from me sounding the same. And there would always be that small handful of people who would get one that hopefully encapsulates all that they mean to me. And this year’s message goes like this:

It’s said that Christmas is a time of HOPE and JOY.
Here’s an early wish to someone who makes it
Christmas every day for me!

I couldn’t have said it any better cos the persons, who received them, did indeed make this day without my blood family, a much easier one to go through. Each of them surprising, carrying and pushing me in ways that no one else can do better.

Bless us all, who gather here ~ the loving family I hold dear

No place on Earth, compares with home

And every path will bring me back from where I roam

Bless us all, that as we live

We always comfort and forgive

We have so much that we can share

With those in need we see around us everywhere

Let us always love each other

Lead us toward the light

Let us hear the voice of reason

Singing in the night

Let us run from anger

And catch when we fall

Teach us in our dreams and please, yes, please

Bless us one and all

Somewhere in my hazy memory, I recall this line of thought: You don’t really want the day to end, because that would mean one more day of your life is over. It’s a strange concept to us who would sometimes do anything, just to get the day over and done with.

Bless us all with playful years

With noisy games and joyous tears

We reach for you, and we stand tall

And in our prayers and dreams 

Christmas Day is coming to an end. The official day that is. Cos if truth be told – it should be Christmas everyday!

We ask you ~ Bless us all

The Spirit of the Season

What is Christmas to you?

Is it the load of presents that await your eager fingers to rip them open? Or the boozing and the chow that lay warm and aromatic on the table? Could it be the fancy new dress or shirt that brings out the snazzle in you? Or the presence of loved ones from far and near surrounding you?

I started the day, bright and early with a conversation first with my best buddy, and then with my folks and my kids. It’s a long, long day ahead. Gotta run out for some fortifying chow, and get some errands done. Then it’s the great loading of the car for the 1^st run to the new home.

Yes – and it’s Christmas Eve. And I’m trying to put the thought that my brother and his family, along with all my cousins in Singapore, are packing up their cars same like me – except that they are going home.

I left the office, somewhat drained and strained yesterday. So I did what I could do – go home, to my 2^nd home: the hospital / restaurant. Sat and had coffee with my ex-boss, surrounded by familiar faces, voices and smiles.

I think for the first time in my life, I am truly embracing the spirit of the season: the spirit of HOPE. For while I could empty the bottle of vodka, bury my head in the cushion and wait for the next couple of days to pass me by, I will not. For I must keep my sanity and wits about me. Get the home ready, so that when everyone is home and near me once again, it would be in this new place.

It is a big deal. My 7^th move in 8 years. Not so much because it is the 7^th – but rather, it is the 1^st time I have consciously chosen where my head will lie at the end of the day. And while it is not said very much, I know my folks feel the same sense of elation: as if I have walked this long, long journey and have finally reached a resting point.

As it was said by someone: It’s about time baby. New place – new experiences awaits!

So while it would be lovely to be surrounded by laughter and merriment, I have found my peace in the solidarity and silence of the night.

Have a blessed Christmas y’all.

 

 

A Ray of Light

I so very nearly went and committed a cardinal sin yesterday. Thank goodness for threats of flying shoes and a fury bear.

I suppose I could put up a multitude of reasoning and excuses on the “Why I should” and “Why I shouldn’t” and I can lay the blame on everyone’s door. But ultimately, it would fall back on me, my shoulders and my reflection in the mirror.

As the LB said: Think Happy Thoughts. And so indeed I shall. 

Last night at this Christmas party I attended, one of the questions asked was “What would you like for Christmas?” And while I would love a BMW, a Villa and a truck-load of bling-bling, I would really truly love to have is all the people who matter, there with me. But there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

The great MOVE has been bumped up and I will step into my new home hours before Christmas. Yes, I am finally psyched. Even though I just found out some dude died in front of his unit, 4 floors down of me. But well, we did search far and long for this, and the day is finally dawning. 

There is sight of when the kids come home and I cannot wait. Cos along with them would be mum and dad. And hopefully, new place would be all ready for me to usher 2009 in surrounded by my family ~ the people who love me, warts and all! 

So yeah. It’s 3 days to Christmas and the roads are showing signs of the long holiday coming round. 

And IF I am occasionally fail to see that light, I shall at least remember the words of my darling Mandy - This time try something different. Try saying ... "Yes this is the hols and people get blue when they're alone  ... But it's ok to be alone and blue." 

But most importantly, through this break in work, and time of absolute solidarity, I must, Must, MUST always do this, when it comes to good ole Charlie: 

Run, baby, run

Don't ever look back.

We're all about moving forward and Charlie would be going backwards. Very, VERY far backwards!

 

 

We Can Always Count On..

Charlie.

Yups - sweet boy has resurfaced again!

I really don't know what else to do with him anymore! He's like the ghost of something that just won't go away, no matter what I say!

Oh well - in this dreadful times of a lack of cheer, I suppose I shall not complain.

At least there's one person out there who would risk his ego for my company *lol*

Deadlines Plus More

I am exasperated.

I do not understand why some people go "Could you get this done by tomorrow LATEST?" and then not look at it until it's Deadline + x-days!

Might as well not give me a deadline at all! Afterall, at the end of the day, them who know me would know that I never miss a work-related deadline!

Goes to show said-person doesn't know me at all!

I'll say it again - I'm exasperated!

Timing

So it's 3 days to Christmas, and 6 days to the start of the Big Move.

The house is a right mess, and despite having spring-cleaned less than a year ago, I am still up to my 2nd Extra-Large thrash bag, and given away about 10 bundles of stuff - clothes, toys, crockery, etc.

It's an odd feeling - to be consciously packing up and gearing up to moving. Yes - all of 33, and I have never really been here, save the time when I had to leave Surrey and come home. And mind you, I'm the Mistress of Moves: OG Heights is gonna be my 6th home in 7 years. 

In the beginning, when I decided on the date, I didn't give much thought that it would coincide with Christmas. Either I 1) wasn't thinking right or 2) wasn't thinking I'd be wanting to celebrate Christmas. But now, as the carols ring louder, the timing of it all is kinda getting to me.

I wanna be able to lie under my tree and try to drink my wine on Christmas Eve night, without having to open box after box looking for the glass or the wine-opener. I wanna throw my usual Christmas luncheon and get my friends horribly sloshed as we always do, without having to look for more newspaper to re-wrap all the dishes afterwards. I wanna pick my church clothes out of the cupboard, without having to ruffle thru my suitcase, looking for something that's not horribly creased!

So yes - timing of it - couldn't be worse. And it's pushing me towards the edge of going Bah-Hum-Bug!

Maybe I should take up LegalBeagle's offer of a plane ticket to JB and back as my pressie. But I'd probably land myself in the hospital at the end of it all from the lack of rest.

Well, if you're wondering what to get me still for Christmas - let's make life easy for you - offer me something to do on Christmas - just so I maintain my sanity!

Choices

choice ~ noun

1. An act or instance of choosing; selection
2. The right, power, or opportunity to choose; option
3. The person or thing chosen or eligible to be chosen
4. An alternative
5. An abundance or variety from which to choose
6. Something that is preferred or preferable to others; the best part of something

Every day, every hour, every minute, every second - we all have a choice to make.

In my books, the most famous perspective on choices comes from Lewis Carroll's character of the Cheshire Cat:

Alice came to a fork in the road. 

 "Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." 

It's a week to Christmas - my first Christmas where I will have no plans other than attend morning Mass. Where I will not have my family nor friends at my table, sitting down to a home-cooked roast luncheon. Where I will not be wondering what's in that box under the tree that has my name on it.

I could choose to say "Bah-Humbug!" to it all and lose the spirit of things.

Or I could choose to say "It's only this year cos of the timing of things. And it is in to help me prepare for bigger, better things to come!"

As it was once wrote here on the Shooter, and also one of the features sayings in a certain Christmas pressie:

Contentment is not
the fulfillment of what you want;
‘Tis the realization of
how much you already have.

I'm gonna go with the choice of remembering that Christmas is about HOPE. And so it's alright that it's just my snowmen and me on Christmas Day this year.

There would be bigger and better things in my days to come!

Have a happy one y'all!

Me Mam Used To Say

My mum used to say - Unless you have something good, tis best not to say anything at all. And that's what I'm doing. 

None of the lines I've come up with can redeem. And so I'll stay silent. 

I do wish I could know tho ... How it feels to have someone know you so well and thru, when you know them not at all ...

Decode

How can I decide what's right

When you're clouding up my mind?

I can't win your losing fight

All the time.

I just gave out the most important Christmas present of the year. And honestly, the feeling after – leaves me kinda deflated.

They say giving a gift is not about expectations. Maybe I mismanaged mine badly this time. And yes, I have no grounds for complaining. Yet, you can’t compare something with a price tag with something that doesn’t ~ Even if I say so myself.

Not gonna ever own what's mine

When you're always taking sides

But you won't take away my pride.

Not this time.

The gift was well received, with shaking hands – yeah, never quite imagined the reaction to be that, and very much appreciated. Each saying that was picked was deliberated and the rationale didn’t even need any explaining done. But the gist of it all was horribly lost. Very, very horribly.

The truth is hiding in your eyes

And it's hanging on your tongue.

Just boiling in my blood.

3 weeks of stressing out and days of running about. And this is how it goes.

But you think that I can't see

What kind of man that you are

If you're a man at all.

Well, I will figure this one out on my own.

Sometimes I think I complicate myself, and thus my life in the process.

I'm screaming, "I love you so."

My thoughts you can't decode

I should have just given an empty box, with a password to the Shooter.

Do you see what we've done?

We've gone and made such fools of ourselves.

Or I should have just bought the video to Twilight, put it in a box and tied a ribbon to it.

There is something I see in you.

It might kill me.

I want it to be true.

I know - don't say it. Just don't. You've said it before. Please - considering it's a week to Christmas - spare me by not repeating yourself.

How did we get here?

When I used to know you so well, yeah.

But how did we get here?

Well, I think I know.

I have left a text message unanswered. The first time ever. It's not one of those that needs sleeping over. I just don't have it in me to give anymore. That was my last. Wrapped up in a box with a snowman on the top. I've given all I can give. There is nothing left. You've actually emptied me rather well.

It's for you to go decode it all now. I have said all I can say, without saying too much.

A Pair of Shoes

It's been a crazy morning! I think in the entire time I have been with the company, we have never fielded so many phone enquiries in one morning. As the day wears on, of course, the sound of silence reigns yet again.

But it's not the quantum of activity that has picked up today that weighs on my mind. Rather, it is the image of a pair of shoes that belonged to the courier guy who stood next to me in the lift as I skipped out for a fag-break.

It's the Yuletide season - a season of giving and sharing. And with all year-ends, the season of out-with-the-old-in-with-the-new. I should know - I did a Sunday marathon of shopping myself, albeit a finely budgeted one.

And yet, there stood this man, with his big toe sticking out from the right-hand corner of his left loafer. Discretely scanning the rest of the shoes, it was seriously in danger of falling apart mid-stride.

I can't really say why this is in my head, especially as it sits alongside the text I got this morning that said "Breakfast is served to me on the beach!"

All I know is this: if I had no care in this world, no worries of my own, I would have loved to take the man by the hand and bring him to the nearest shoe shop and gotten him a pair of shoe, even without knowing his name.

But alas, I am not without the above. And as evil as it sounds, that pair of shoes makes me feel grateful for 1) having both feet and 2) a decent level of living that enables me to have a proper pair of shoes.

The Christmas Feel-good Moofie

"If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspision love actually is all around."

If there's one movie you have to watch this season - make it an old one. Go back to 2003 and pick out Love Actually.

Despite it's chick-flick title, it's one that even the blokes will love. Simply cos it's British and it's got the word "Bug'er" and "Wanker" and "Fuc' it!" most every five minutes.

So go on - catch it if you can.

If all else fails - there's Denise Richards at the very end!

Marathon

Shopping.

It is a marathon, not a sprint.

In order to do well, one must be mentally prepared - to push thru the discount bin in order to find the right size, to walk away when the price is not right, and to keep going to your list is done.

I am hardly one for shopping. The only place I vigilantly go to each week would be the grocers across the road from the office, to buy the food I need for the one dinner I would cook.

By some stroke of good fortune, I had the opportunity to go replenish the clothes I gave out yesterday - yes, in the midst of packing up the wardrobe, I came across a whole load of long-lost items which I reckon - since they were long-lost, I could do without.

They say the early bird catches the worm - and indeed it did. For how else could I have bought 11 pieces of stuff for two-hundred bucks? And mine you - these were not from the hypermarkets!

Yes - I'm mighty pleased with myself. Stayed out of the house for 11-hours straight but well - let's just say my style has been updated :o)

Considering how out of shape I am - I would have to say - I did pretty well in today's marathon!

X-Days to go

It's been a bit of a crazy week. Didn't really expect the year-end to be this mad, but alas it is.

The Move to the Boon-dogs

The packing for the great move has begun. One would think that after 5S-ing the place, I would have fewer things to pack. *ha* NOT! I still find junk after junk hiding under sheets of stuff and what-have-you-not. The packing has been expedited cos the demand for the stuff I have hocked on the various websites has been overwhelming.

So yeah, my wardrobe's gonna go, along with the kids' furniture by early next week. Hopefully that would put me in a better frame of mind to take on the task ahead of stuffing the rest of the stuff into boxes.

And yes, from mid next week all the way till end of the month, I would be LITERALLY living out of boxes!

Ho-Ho-and-ho?

It has been confirmed - I would be the sole ER in town from my family tree this Christmas. No - it does not sound good at all. For some strange reason, my folks thinks I'll fend well enough for myself to survive the holidays alone. Hello! Someone ought to tell them that in some countries, suicide rates go up during the holidays! And to think they are leaving me alone!

But on a lighter note, I have finished sorting out almost all the pressies. The wonderful nature of our country has to be extolled here. If not for something called the Supersavers' Sale - no one would be getting any presents at all this year!

Seeing how the folks would be away and 11A USJ 2 would be empty, I can go ahead and put up my tree. What a consolation that would be. I think I shall leave it to Tuesday and task it to someone ~ it's long overdue anyways - I ought to be pulling more of his weight around!

The Year Ahead

And in the midst of all this, I have decided that I should be like the LegalBeagle and do some planning for 2009. Cos it is gonna be a big, Big, BIG year!

By next week, I would know if my Irish bosses are okay to start our local office transition plan. And if they are, come January, Barbsie would be a business owner *gasp* It was very heartening to read my boss's management report and recommendation. I have to get used to bosses singing my praises. I have lived too long under the shadow of the Great-D to be able to accept that I can live for more than a "Um" as approval. Words - great sentences of words - that's what's due to me these days!

Come January, I should also be kicking off the Billie-project. Everything is there and done. Thick-arse of a business plan, quotations, financials - the works (done by lil ole me, I might add!). All we need know is hit the market and get some intent listed down on paper, find an angel investor (Anyone with RM 10K to spare?) and we're off!

Last year I wrote that it's not so much a change in the date or a page in the calendar to bring about changes. And in reflection, it is so true. Nothing in 2009 will happen if the planning, the laying of its foundation didn't happen sometime over my life time.

It's gonna be a great year ~ I can feel it in my bones! And I can't wait as the Xs dwindle and we'll be looking at the clock click midnight and usher in a new era!

I'll say it again - It's gonna be a great year!

The Art of Giving

It's the Christmas season. My buddy - the Bear - has been busy doing up his gifts buying. I, on the other hand, have barely started. And I doubt I will get very far. It is afterall, the Great Recession!

But more importantly than the price tag or the brand label, one question I always ask myself at occasions such as these would be ~ what can I give that could encapsulate how much the receiver means to me?!

Most of my recipients are kids. So I can almost always get away with murder. But for the adults ~ it's not so cut and dried. And it's the men that's always the hardest.

Which is probably why this year I have decided that the best chappies in my life do not get store-bought stuff. Might take a lil bit more work and effort on my part. But then again, one doesn't become the best of the best for no reason.

Hopefully on Christmas morn, when they individually unwrap their gifts in their own homes, it'll bring a smile to their faces and the thought of "This is so Barbsie!"

That would be so achieving the art of giving for me :o)

The Need to Feed

"If I thought you'd be alright with it, I would cook all sorts of soothing and appetising food, just so you'd eat."

And that was what I had wanted to say.

Instead, I bought 2 kinds of vitamins and 1 other something else, and said "Sleep, fluids, dvd - lots of it."

I am so lame. So very lame indeed!

MYOB

It's truly disgusting to find people logging on to my blog site the day after they think I have caught up with a certain someone.

There are reasons why people are cut off from other people's lives. And them who have been cut, should really move on and stay out of my life.

I am so seriously considering closing this blog, just because of this!

Oh go sod it and Mind Your Own Bloody Business, why don'tcha?

Does it Matter?

I finished up work today and rung the LegalBeagle out for tea. He was afterall already chilling at the Bucks. Plus I didn't feel like coming back to an empty house and the thought of a hot latte on a chilly day was too darn appealing to ignore.

At this point I have to make note that this is blog worthy simply cause LB and I have never met. We didn't even know what each other looked like or talked on the phone. All we've ever done was chat online.

As I was taking my shower after I got home, I was trying (and still am!) to recall - where and how did we ever come across each other? I mean, this so-called virtual friendship has evolved to this point that the beginning doesn't quite matter.

I'm not one of those people who make friends easily. I have lines clearly marked and drawn and each person is slot into one of the many categories. It's a sad thing but life is complicated enough without weighing it down with the even more complicated thing called "relationship" of any sorts.

So I am glad that today I finally meet face-to-face a kindred spirit (not that he is as antisocial as I am) - kindred in the sense that he is one of those who is able to accept and not judge, nor try to change.

So yes - you've been marked and crossed out for a space called "friends" in Barbsie's books now *grin* See - you should've thought twice before accepting that hug! Till the next coffee and secondary smoke session, where I will tipperty-tap out conversation lines to you as you sit across and sip your coffee!

Donkey Blues

Yups - it's one of them days where...

I've got the donkey blues..
Quicky throw me some booze..
So that all the yuckiness that ooze,
Can be washed away with a snooze.

I'm tired. Exhausted. Spent.

"Why am I feeling so empty?" Eeyore would wonder aloud, if Eeyore could speak!

Headed Home

Saturday was quite the blur, after being woken up bright and early by the Bear. As I strolled around Tescos before 10 a.m., I found myself wondering why I was cracking my head, wondering what I could do this long weekend when I could just hop in the car and go on back home.

And that was what I did.

The hugs, kisses and tears at goodbye was well worth the 8-hours spent on the highways.

"Go back home."

I did and hey-ho: Tomorrow's already Tuesday and the long weekend became a tad too short.

*Beep* Darn It

Someone just told me - take it easy, just do your best.

Oh bugger! The "Do your best" button has just been pushed, simultaneously with the "Take it easy" button. And them who know me would know that if nothing - these 2 buttons should not be pushed at the same time.

It's the definite sure fire-way of getting Barbsie to go all out for whatever it is.

Oh bugger!

Slow

Someone told me last night that I have slowed down tremendously, that I do not have my eye on the ball tho am still on top of things.

I pondered over this cos it's not the first time that someone has remarked that to me in the last few months, and had an ind-depth discussion with the LegalBeagle about it.

I thought I was getting lazy - just plain don't want to get my ass off the couch, and without Whites being around to shout "Allez!", I am not going anywhere. But the LB thinks otherwise for he feels that laziness is nothing something you learn - you're either born with the trait, or you're not. We could not come to a conclusion cos I think I've lost my mojo, and LB thinks it's cos of my present environment and my need to blend in.

I hate to think that I'm dragging my feet - I'm not the feet dragger sort, yet even all attempts to push my buttons ~ "think of the kids who are missing out 1 more day cos you're not getting your game together!" ~ is not working. The fact that I would hate someone else thinking I am dragging my feet is not working!

We don't have to deliberate this very far, and really there is no reason for me to be this 'poh-mah' wishy-washy about getting my head down and getting a moving. And hey - I have been doing that the whole of today, maybe at a slower pace, but at least I'm getting now.

I guess all I have to do is shove my edge back where it belongs and stick it in with all the superglue I can find, while I hide away all forms of materials that can do slashes, draw question marks and basically turn my work upside down.

I think I shall watch HighSchool Musical 3 tonight for inspiration to Get in the Game!

Lil Green Men

al•ien•a•tion ~ noun

• the act of alienating
• the state of being alienated
• the state of being withdrawn or isolated from the objective world, as through indifference or disaffection

Christmas is 20 days away. Normally, plans would be under-way for the big Christmas brunch, thoughts put in for what gifts would be given, and the traditional year-end get-together to remember, rejoice and be grateful.

This year, nothing of the above has been done, and I very much doubt it would be done. For if truth be said outloud - I would be hardpressed to name 5 people to fill the rest of the chairs in my dining room.

Everyone seems to have gone about their own way, and the thread of connection seems to be fuzzing out. And I can't say I have not contributed to that deterioration with my self imposed exile.

I suppose there would be times when one feels like they are in a "Me-against-the-world" phase, and this would be one of them. It's just bloody bad timing that tis the season for glad tidings.

I ain't got nothing very much nice to say about anyone right about now. So I shall slink away and just talk to them who have cotton in their bellies.

When...

Someone told me last week that no matter what happens, one must always go back to one's family.

I have always been the sort of person where my family members would be the last people on earth to know.

But I'm learning to take that advice and I see the validity of it now: No matter what, my folks, my brother ~ they will always have the time to take my call or reply my text message. It can be 8 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon or 12 midnight. And I never have to worry if I'm intruding on them.

Cos blood, no matter how thin it is, still runs thicker than water.

Stranger Things...

And we all thought we've seen it all!

Picture compliment of Whites all the way from Switzerland.

Built To Last

Life really can be this simple.

A simple tune, simple words, and a simple video too for the MTV junkies.

For What was Said

hon∙es∙ty ~ noun

• The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness
• Truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness
• Freedom from deceit or fraud

I have always written about my persons, with the definition of person coming from my all-time favourite drama series Grey’s Anatomy. Nothing is real until I tell my persons. Nothing sinks in. And so for the entire weekend, it was spent vegetating in front of the googlebox, watching re-runs of Ms Grey and her stupid-to-hell antics in the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital. Wondering “Should I?” or “Should I not?” Hesitant because I know regardless of who says what, it really isn’t going to change my mind about what I have decided to do.

Yet, it all seemed surreal simply cos I have not spoken to my persons.

In all honesty, my hesitancy is simply becaue I really didn’t wanna disappoint them. Cos deep down inside, I know for sure that I would be disappointing them, regardless of what they say – about me knowing what’s best, and that it’s my heart, liver and lungs that suffers at the end of the day. They would have their own opinions and judgments on this: on what was perpetrated and what the following decision is. And these opinions and / or judgments might include things that would be said ~ words that could potentially either set me back or break a bond. Neither of which was what I wanted to happen. And I most certainly didn’t want to feel that I had to make that choice.

I haven’t been sleeping well at all, laying awake half the night thinking about “Should I?” or “Should I not?” and about the value of honesty, and what I should do. I was very tempted to go about our business as if nothing’s happened. I was even tempted to slink away, cut myself away from my world who might most certainly not understand my “Whys” and would only give me the “What Gives?!” But one person broke that one down with a simple text message of “You okay ah?” And that reminded me that this is why these 3 people are my persons.

And so it was done. And the result of it is this posting. Quite simply cause I am trying very hard to explain myself – though I do not appreciate why I have to. But then again, people are people and friends will always stand on your side no matter what. And thus, an explanation must be provided. I owe you that much, simply cos you have been thru hell and back with me, and you care.

I know your worries, your fears. This is the ONE thing that would send me underground, thrown myself off the balcony, finished an entire shipment of booze, etc. And yes, didn’t I say I choose to do only the best for me. But my point is this: When was the last time you have seen me really, truly happy? When was the last time you saw me so energized and looking forward to each day?

I can’t say I have absolute clarity of thought and action now. But I am at the very least grateful that I am not in my former state where I would be embarking on all the above. And I am proud of the fact that I reached a point where I can rationally and consciously weigh it all down and in.

And my options were these:

1. I can let the truth sit there, turn into my Zahir. If I do that, 99% chances are my history will repeat itself when I start to rot and slowly kill whatever this is. And I would be back at one, having learnt nothing from what my personal history can teach me.
2. I can acknowledge that this is the truth, appreciate the honesty and then put it aside. It might come back from time to time to haunt me, but if I bear in mind what was said, I shouldn’t allow it to kill me, to stop me from living life, being happy and just taking what is given.

It has been a very long week, mentally. I had a meltdown and I had an epiphany.

I have been struggling to come to terms with this change in me – of how I see the world, the people in it, my surroundings, and how I feel about certain things. How I can sit on my couch, bring my mind back to deep dark places, and my breathing doesn’t get faster, my heart doesn’t seize up and my eyes do not tear up or my anger rise. And I don’t know how to communicate this to you ~ my friends – my buddies. The very persons who make up the essence of me. But this is how I try, and at the one place you would think to look - for my rationale, my point of view, my perspective.

Paulo Coelho wrote in the Zahir:

Absolute Freedom does not exist –
what does is the freedom to choose and
then commit yourself to that decision.

And this is mine: I have my right to not fear the future and happiness. The future is yet to be written and happiness is now. History has its ways of repeating itself. And this is not my way of substituting it with hope. This is about here and now, and what is real, what exists. And what exists is what I see, before my eyes, not what I hear or feel. It's what I see and I'm only sorry that you cannot see what I see.

I have lived the last five years chasing after a Zahir. Simply cos I ignored what I saw before me, and chose to believe what we saw in my mind's eye. I will not spend the next few days, weeks or months creating another, and then another period of time chasing after it. I may be the fool, but for once, I am trying not to set myself up to be the loser.

This is what I choose to do. And I can only hope that you do not be too disappointed in me to stop calling me your friend. I can promise you this much - if at the end of the day, it comes down to my heart, liver and lungs - I will allow you to say "I told you so."

Watch the World Come Alive

I wish I could put down into words, what it feels like to be alive today.... like the wealthiest person on the face of this earth.

Today - this could be - the greatest day of our lives!

Ordinary and Extraordinary

o∙ver∙whelm ~ verb (used with object)

To overcome completely in mind or feeling.

I have had about a whole day to digest:

• The present explained and the past shared,
• Thoughts exchanged and dreams woven,
• Questions asked and answers given,
• Hands held and hugs lavished,
• Fears allayed and peace obtained

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away

To cover or bury beneath a mass of something, as floodwaters, debris, or an avalanche; submerge.

Everything came together… Sentences finished by the other, without any leading on… The allowance of being one true’s self, without any mask… Emotions felt without it being portrayed.

I am wondering if there were some kind of unseen force, moving about the house last night – the energy levels just swept you away on every account, and it pulled you the harder you tried to fight it, unless exhausted and resigned, you give in to it carrying you along.

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now

To load, heap, treat, or address with an overpowering or excessive amount of anything

I am sitting here, and I am sobbing. I am drowning in a sea of joy, an ocean of comfort, a heaven full of confidence, a valley of peace, and also a forest of acute loss. Each and every emotion so sharp it lifts me, so deep I feel the physical pain.

To overpower or overcome, esp. with superior forces; destroy; crush

I started out being the pom-pom girl, the cheer-leader ~ I ended up being the one rallied to carry on. He broke me ~ Broke me completely with simple words. All the words that we have all sought to quell my dust-bunnies, my demons: he had them all.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you

When you consciously relinquish your trust to somebody else, is when you realize that there are bigger things in this world than you. I have always heard it said that if you allow it, life will surprise you. But I never expected it to be this way or in this form. I was always the giver of words, but I’ve been a stranger to receiving them. Which is why this has to be recorded down here.

You and me
We can ride on a star, we can light up the sky
If you stay with me girl, if you stay by my side
We can rule the world

I have always known deep down inside, despite all the self-doubt and fears, that I was not ordinary. I didn’t think I’d live to see and hear the day when it’s said that not only am I extraordinary, but I make someone else extraordinary as well.

I have only one wish tonight – and that was that I could paint. Cos no amount of words can paint the clarity of this picture for you. A picture of someone once broken, slowly being pieced back together again.

"I won't let you fall ~ trust me on this."

Rule the world
~ Take That ~

Time to Sew

How do I know?

Because this time, it's about ME - doing it for myself.

Because this time, I am going back to the moments when I got stuck and getting unstuck there and then, so that history rewrites itself to my present and my future.

Because this time, I am being ME and I'm not afraid of it, nor are the crowds laughing at me.

I cannot find the words to describe this whole thing. I have been sitting here for a while now, and I can't. And I'm questioning if I even want to. For sometimes, some things do not need words to define it. To put words to them would lessen its value.

This is one of them.

I understand now what it means when it is said: I am everything, and I am nothing.

Getting There

I asked my friend a most interesting question last week: Do you think I ought to seek out a psychiatrist? His reply: Only if you think you need prescribed medicinal help. Otherwise, you’d be alright with just someone to guide you in a structured thinking manner.

I spent my lunch, sitting by the steps leading to my building, with my coffee on my side, cigarette in hand and book in lap. I’m currently reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho and it’s making me see, think and feel things in a way that connects in my present frame of mind.

The Bear, who has been away, has been catching up on my postings and it has been a lot. But the truth is: NONE of them were rants! Writing has always been a form of therapy to me. When I sit down and write a posting for my blog, it reaches into the deepest recesses of my mind and encapsulates all that I think, feel and fear into words. And it is only here that I feel most comfortable letting it all out, in the manner that it has manifested itself. Cos the things that I think, feel and fear - they are not things which people talk about ordinarily.

I have to say this and say this here: I feel like I’m going on a different road – the road less traveled. One where the aim is to find the things that have made me stuck, standing still and admitting that I am stuck, and staring that acomodador in the eye and then moving on.

Saying “I don’t know why” or “I don’t want to talk about it” or “If I stay very still, it will pass me and go away” is no longer good enough. It drains me, it destroys me. I destroy me. And I give up control of myself to me.

I want this so badly, I can taste it in my mouth, feel it in my gut. But it doesn’t happen overnight. Even realizing something is not going to change things immediately. I have to mull it over, let it rip, let it out – over and over and over again, until it FEELS like the someone else’s story.

Then, and only then, will I know I’m there.